Jump to content

Menu

What would you tell someone who found a text on spouse's phone. . .


Miss Peregrine
 Share

Recommended Posts

If he is cheating, unless she catches them nekkid, he'll have some kind of excuse. She needs a professional to help her get solid evidence.

Really, this is true. I don't know why most people think you can ask an adulterer and expect to get an honest answer. I would consider that the affair may become more underground and the abuse (manipulation, gaslighting, etc) to increase making the situation uglier than it already is. Again, just my limited experience, and, personally, why I think it's better to get some proof before outing. Edited by ifIonlyhadabrain
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

In person means body language and no time to think of a lie.

 

From others things you've said, I would think he has already planned/practiced a response. But honestly, from everything you've said, he's either cheating or she's gotten herself worked up over nothing. Have his accusations of her cheating been recent (last couple of years)? That would play into whether he's other behaviors are the signs of someone cheating.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Since she's already suspicious, I'd suggest hiring a private investigator to follow/check up on her husband during those days (providing him the info from the text and the makes/models of his car and the "friendly" neighbor's car. And their full names. And let the PI figure it out. It'd be way worth the $$$ to me to either put my fears to rest or get proof of the SOB cheating. That proof will be worth $$$ in divorce court, and that'd be where I'd be heading if my dh cheated, unless I killed him first. 

 

If I wasn't suspicious, I would handle it differently. I'd probably just ask WTF is this text about? And then, hopefully, I'd get a good explanation. I'm sure my antennae would be on alert from the on out.

 

If I were suspicious but couldn't afford the PI, I'd probably grab dh's phone and stick it in my pocket/purse for an hour (to prevent him from receiving texts from the woman -- ideally I'd do this sometime when dh was totally unavailable, like out for a run with no phone or mowing the lawn on the noisy mower, etc) and then go stop by the woman's house sometime very soon and ask her what the text was about. Then I'd go home, ask dh the same question, and see if the answers matched and made sense. I'd also (secretly) set up a key logger and tracking app on dh's phone(s). You could do all that for maybe 100-200. I'd do all my googling/etc about this topic on "private browsing" to avoid alerting my spouse of my suspicions. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Interesting. Wife's dd istaking care of another neighbor's pets. This other neighbor is textneighbor's boss. The dates: 16-18th.

 

Now I'm lost. 

 

Is Friend's Husband possibly looking out for the house in a let me know if it gets hit by an asteroid situation? I email my neighbors when we go out of town even though they aren't watering plants or taking care of my pets. They asked us to keep an eye out for their teens throwing parties. Our new neighbors texted us to ask about watering plants, but she texted both me and DH in a group text. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Could be a work conference. Who knows? The dates are interesting.

I still don't think I understand.

 

Does this mean your dd knows for sure that the company your neighbor gal (NG) works for is having some kind of event at a hotel, and that this sort of confirms that NG will be at a hotel during those hours?

 

And that if the husband were available and wanted to come over, he'd know where and when to find her?

 

That begs the question, what business is NG in and is it in any way related to the husband's business or longstanding hobbies?

 

(Sitting in a doctor's office waiting room, killing time...)

Edited by Seasider
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I still don't think I understand.

 

Does this mean your dd knows for sure that the company your neighbor gal (NG) works for is having some kind of event at a hotel, and that this sort of confirms that NG will be at a hotel during those hours?

 

 

^^^ yes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And that if the husband were available and wanted to come over, he'd know where and when to find her?

 

That begs the question, what business is NG in and is it in any way related to the husband's business or longstanding hobbies?

 

(Sitting in a doctor's office waiting room, killing time...)

Lol about killing time.

 

Other neighbor is the boss of textneighbor. She will be out of town those exact dates. It could be a work conference that they will both be at. Why textneighbor gave this info to spouse, I don't know. Wife is going to fish for info from bossneighbor later. Her son is playing at her house right now.Ă¢ËœÂº

Edited by Miss Peregrine
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm so confused... but I can't stop reading. :huh: :laugh:

Right?!!!

 

I understand a little better now. I'm sorry Miss Peregrine, I do not delight in your friend's troubles. But it is interesting reading and thinking through possibilities. May the truth come to light, whatever it may be.

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

"Hey DH, I saw a funny text on your phone and shared it with Miss P. Well she shared it on an Internet forum and WOW did those ladies have some hilarious explanations for what it could mean. It's practically an Internet meme now - 'hotel dates - Sweet!'. So anyways, this forum is desperate to know what the real (and probably boring) reason is for these funny texts. What's up?"

  • Like 19
Link to comment
Share on other sites

"Hey DH, I saw a funny text on your phone and shared it with Miss P. Well she shared it on an Internet forum and WOW did those ladies have some hilarious explanations for what it could mean. It's practically an Internet meme now - 'hotel dates - Sweet!'. So anyways, this forum is desperate to know what the real (and probably boring) reason is for these funny texts. What's up?"

Wife realizes it's probably a boring reason and she never should have shared.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wife realizes it's probably a boring reason and she never should have shared.

 

And sometimes things happen, and we just need to be able to work through them with friends even if it turns out to be silly. That's what friends are for. Hope yours gets the reassurance she needs.

  • Like 12
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't quite understand the point of going to all this trouble to find out if your marriage is unhealthy when you already know your marriage is unhealthy. To get evidence to use in a divorce? That wouldnt make any difference in my state.

 

My marriage has gone through not-great patches. If DH had been having an affair, that would be a different level of not-great than regular not-great-let's-ride-this-out-because-everything-is-crazy-right now not-great. I wouldn't want to run the hypothetical by IRL friends because, well, they know us both IRL. "Anonymous" internet friends are different. And if you don't talk to someone, you feel like you'll go crazy. 

  • Like 10
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My marriage has gone through not-great patches. If DH had been having an affair, that would be a different level of not-great than regular not-great-let's-ride-this-out-because-everything-is-crazy-right now not-great. I wouldn't want to run the hypothetical by IRL friends because, well, they know us both IRL. "Anonymous" internet friends are different. And if you don't talk to someone, you feel like you'll go crazy. 

 

Sorry, I was unclear. My fault.

 

I mean the trouble of hiring a PI, etc that many people are suggesting.  I've got no issue with discussing or talking through issues.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wife realizes it's probably a boring reason and she never should have shared.

The wife is sounding more and more like someone who's been consistently told she's silly, overreacting, etc. I would be very concerned for my friend if she saw a text from her DH that is CLEARLY suspect, and somehow felt guilty for having any suspicions. That sounds like the behavior of someone who has spent a very long time being blamed and made to feel guilty for things that are not her fault. I would talk to friend and try to support her in getting to the truth, and try to help her see that she is NOT overreacting and that she has no reason to feel guilt. Because the wife is questioning herself already, and she hasn't done anything yet to find out the truth, I think her own efforts to find out the truth may not be the wisest idea. She's already willing to mistrust herself and her own conclusions, and she's already hoping that DH will present her with an explanation, ANY explanation, whether or not it's the truth. The more I hear, the more I think a PI is the way to go for her. It will be worth the money to have an objective third party tell her the truth she needs to hear; she won't have to debate if maybe what she saw/heard meant something other than the obvious, and if the truth is innocuous, she won't have to wonder if maybe she missed something. It's expensive but I think given how much she's already doubting herself, it's the only way she'll get answers she can trust. Plus, a PI can get a lot more accurate info than a wife who will be recognized by both the spouses and co-workers.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wife could put an app on his phone and on wife's phone like Find My Friends or one of those tracking apps.  Maybe he won't see it if he has a lot of apps?  If he's up to no good, then he will likely find it and delete it, but it has to be deleted on both phones to be completely gone, from what I remember, so she could still track where he's at.  If it's a good app, it will show the names of locations, not just areas, since the hotel is in the same area as work.  Just a thought.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry, I was unclear. My fault.

 

I mean the trouble of hiring a PI, etc that many people are suggesting.  I've got no issue with discussing or talking through issues.

Discussing and talking through issues is great in a healthy, normal relationship. If this husband is cheating, he's already lying. He's tried to blame the wife in the past by accusing her of having an affair. He's deleting text messages from other women. There is a HIGH chance that in a conversation here, he will find some way to not only lie through his teeth about what is happening, but blame her for the whole mess and leave her feeling guiltier than ever. An objective third party can cut through the possible emotional manipulation and abuse and get to real answers.

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Discussing and talking through issues is great in a healthy, normal relationship. If this husband is cheating, he's already lying. He's tried to blame the wife in the past by accusing her of having an affair. He's deleting text messages from other women. There is a HIGH chance that in a conversation here, he will find some way to not only lie through his teeth about what is happening, but blame her for the whole mess and leave her feeling guiltier than ever. An objective third party can cut through the possible emotional manipulation and abuse and get to real answers.

 

I've done it again.  Serves me right trying to post and catch up on my filing.

 

I meant discussing it *here*.  Not with her DH.  I think it's a given that her marriage is in serious trouble.  That wasn't clear at the beginning of the thread, but I think it is now.

 

ETA:  I guess I understand the PI if she herself needs convincing that her marriage is in trouble, but I thought she already understood that.

Edited by 8circles
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've done it again.  Serves me right trying to post and catch up on my filing.

 

I meant discussing it *here*.  Not with her DH.  I think it's a given that her marriage is in serious trouble.  That wasn't clear at the beginning of the thread, but I think it is now.

 

ETA:  I guess I understand the PI if she herself needs convincing that her marriage is in trouble, but I thought she already understood that.

Not at all! I'm posting while trying to make dinner and wrangle kids, so the misunderstanding was probably on my end.

 

I just feel bad for the OP's friend. I've had those suspicions. In my case I was wrong. I was very happy to be wrong. I was also very glad that I knew the truth, for sure. Has I NOT been wrong, I would have been relieved to have objective evidence, whether it matter in court or not, and it would have been useful to know about his actions without tipping my hand by confronting him too early; it would have given me time to get my financial ducks in a row and be in a solid place to file for divorce (and favourable custody arrangements). If he had been cheating and I confronted him right away, he might have filed first and from a position of power. That's a long-term, worst-case scenario view, but it happens to many women and it does no harm to be thorough, objective, and prepared. As it was, for our marriage, the fact that I suspected something and was proven wrong became a catalyst for finding a LOT of deep-rooted problems in our relationship, actively recognizing and addressing those issues, and working through them together. While he wasn't having an affair, there were valid reasons for my mistrust that needed to be addressed, and valid reasons for him to be unhappy in our marriage. It was tough for both of us, but working through those problems was worth it. 

 

Sorry if that's a hijack, OP. I just identify a little TOO strongly with this one. It might be wise for me to back away since I see so much of myself in this. My advice to your friends: get objective answers. Brace yourself for the truth, whatever it may be. Be deliberate and methodical in what you do with the information you are given, whether is be counselling, divorce, self-help, etc. Don't let either your emotions or your husband provoke you to unwise actions. Sleep on it before making any life-changing decisions.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had a teen I suspected was lying to be about where she was going to be.  She told me she was going to hang out with a friend at the friend's house.  The friend's work [an ice cream shop] was right near the friend's house, so I drove by just to see if the friend was there working.  Yep.  She was at work so my kid wasn't at the friend's house hanging out with her like my kid told me.  I walked right in and ordered ice cream and chatted in a friendly way with the friend who looked surprised and embarrassed to see me.

Kid came home and I asked, "Where were you and who were you with?"  She told me the same story she told me earlier.  I replied, "No, you weren't hanging out with ________ I was." Then I opened the freezer and pulled out ice cream with the place of business's name on it. Grounded? Yes.  Of course I had other reasons to be suspicious before I did that.

 

So, yes.  In order to know for sure what the friend is dealing with, she'll have to show up and see what's going on.  If everything is on the up and up she'll be reassured.  We can speculate and wonder all day long, but who cares what our theories are?  She just needs to find out for herself and deal with it.  She should work all the way through what she will do before she shows up and sees if he is in trouble.

 

 

Edited by Homeschool Mom in AZ
  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

If she thinks asking him about it will make him confess, she's wrong.  He has absolutely 100% thought up a cover story, just in case she asks. 

 

What would happen if wife approached the neighbor:

 

"Neighbor.  I saw a text about a hotel and dates on DH's phone from you.  What was that about?"  And just wait.  No explanations of why she was looking, no long drawn out story about why wife is stopping by. Short and sweet, fast and direct. 

 

How angry would that make dh?  Especially if it was innocent?  Is that crossing some sort of line, to ask the neighbor instead of the dh?  I'm not always good at these sorts of human relations types of things, so maybe that would be like adding oil to a fire and the absolute last thing she should do.

 

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The dates are a work retreat. Confirmed that it is the same place the boss is going. Wife is thinking that it's more like, "keep an eye on our house" type thing.

 

Why would she invite him knowing there is a possibility he could be seen by others he knows?

 

Wife feels silly but knows there is still a reason for what she feels, even if this particular incident turns out to be legit.

Edited by Miss Peregrine
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The wife is sounding more and more like someone who's been consistently told she's silly, overreacting, etc. I would be very concerned for my friend if she saw a text from her DH that is CLEARLY suspect, and somehow felt guilty for having any suspicions. That sounds like the behavior of someone who has spent a very long time being blamed and made to feel guilty for things that are not her fault. I would talk to friend and try to support her in getting to the truth, and try to help her see that she is NOT overreacting and that she has no reason to feel guilt. Because the wife is questioning herself already, and she hasn't done anything yet to find out the truth, I think her own efforts to find out the truth may not be the wisest idea. She's already willing to mistrust herself and her own conclusions, and she's already hoping that DH will present her with an explanation, ANY explanation, whether or not it's the truth. The more I hear, the more I think a PI is the way to go for her. It will be worth the money to have an objective third party tell her the truth she needs to hear; she won't have to debate if maybe what she saw/heard meant something other than the obvious, and if the truth is innocuous, she won't have to wonder if maybe she missed something. It's expensive but I think given how much she's already doubting herself, it's the only way she'll get answers she can trust. Plus, a PI can get a lot more accurate info than a wife who will be recognized by both the spouses and co-workers.

I agree with all of this. Thank you.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The dates are a work retreat. Confirmed that it is the same place the boss is going. Wife is thinking that it's more like, "keep an eye on our house" type thing.

 

Why would she invite him knowing there is a possibility he could be seen by others he knows?

 

Wife feels silly but knows there is still a reason for what she feels, even if this particular incident turns out to be legit.

 

So you would think the husband would pass on that info to his wife, so she could keep an eye on the house too?

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think "sweet" is an unconventional response to that type thing, but maybe I am not slang-current.

 

 

I pet sit and housesit all the time. Often times I will reply to plans with awesome, sweet, sounds good, fantastic, or some other short responses. It is usually after a long back and forth that I just want to be done with the combo but it also happens when they just send a quick last minute comment so I reply with a quick response so they know I've seen it.

 

 

But with that said. I don't ever delete texts, especially the ones with the important details about when I'm needed. Even though I write it down in my planner I keep all electronic correspondence in case I lose my planner. I'd be suspicious of the fact that the texts were deleted but no other texts were from that week.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The dates are a work retreat. Confirmed that it is the same place the boss is going. Wife is thinking that it's more like, "keep an eye on our house" type thing.

 

Why would she invite him knowing there is a possibility he could be seen by others he knows?

 

Wife feels silly but knows there is still a reason for what she feels, even if this particular incident turns out to be legit.

 

Wouldn't the husband's reply be like "sure will" or "no problem"  to that type of question? Or is "sweet" a typical response for him in that sort of situation?

 

 

 

EDIT: I see others type faster than me. :lol:  My cat distracted me....really...it's his fault.

Edited by jewellsmommy
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So you would think the husband would pass on that info to his wife, so she could keep an eye on the house too?

 

 

 

I think "sweet" is an unconventional response to that type thing, but maybe I am not slang-current.

 

Right. And then delete the texts.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know people (distant friends) where the husband was cheating on his wife at a hotel. Somehow the spouses of both cheaters found out, showed up at the hotel together and busted the cheaters.

 

I read the initial text as two different dates/times for meeting up. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it's a little strange to have specific times if it's just a "keep an eye on the house" thing. Dates, maybe. Although given how close those dates are, specific days would make more sense to me. (E.g., "We'll be gone Thursday but back on Friday afternoon.") Can't imagine you would need specific times though, in any case.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

If my neighbors go out of town, and I keep an eye on their house, everyone in our house knows this.  This is sounding very suspicious.  Good luck to your friend.  I would get evidence first, I would not confront, you will just get lies. 

I agree...liars will never tell you more than what they think you already know.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The dates are a work retreat. Confirmed that it is the same place the boss is going. Wife is thinking that it's more like, "keep an eye on our house" type thing.

 Why would he need to know the name and address of the hotel she is staying at in order to keep an eye on her house while she is away?

  • Like 10
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've been not commenting because everyone pretty much said what I was thinking and the situation just really mirrors what I saw a relative go through years ago. But could the hubby and the neighbor girl be planning to meet up while she is at the conference for lunch/dinner since she will be next to his work? OR it could be a full blown affair or the steps leading up to one. The deleted texts and "sweet" answer are what make my "somethings fishy here" radar ping. 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

None of it makes any sense.  If it's a work conference at a hotel that is next to her DH's work, it can't be that far away from the next-door neighbor.  Why would she be staying there overnight?

 

What a complicated mess.

 

Maybe she's not, and was inviting him to the conference for some reason?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

None of it makes any sense.  If it's a work conference at a hotel that is next to her DH's work, it can't be that far away from the next-door neighbor.  Why would she be staying there overnight?

 

What a complicated mess.

 

That's not unheard-of, depending on the type of conference  People sometimes stay in the hotel for convenience even if they live locally, for late-night socializing, early breakfast meetings, stuff like that.  It can be legitimate.  

 

 

ETA:  So, let me get this straight.  Miss P's friend is neighbors with the texting woman and her boss.  The boss is going to a conference in a local hotel this week, and spending the night (because she needs a dog-sitter).  So it seems reasonable that texting woman is staying there too. 

 

Seems awfully risky for Miss P's friend's husband to meet up for an affair when his other neighbor is going to be in the same place.  Seems risky for texting woman to carry on an affair (potentially) in front of her boss, since the boss knows the guy too.   

 

 

Edited by marbel
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So you would think the husband would pass on that info to his wife, so she could keep an eye on the house too?

 

I can see myself or my husband not passing that along, just because they weren't there when asked...... not intentionally not giving info, just doesn't occur to me to tell dh every time a neighbor says "we'll be gone, if you see something suspicious, do something...". Primarily because that kind of thing isn't among my  most important things to remember to tell dh.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

None of it makes any sense.  If it's a work conference at a hotel that is next to her DH's work, it can't be that far away from the next-door neighbor.  Why would she be staying there overnight?

 

What a complicated mess.

 

I used to have a job where we had conferences to attend monthly (the job was presenting at the conferences, hence the frequency). Even when it was in only 30 mins away, we stayed at the hotel. They wanted us to attend the dinners and breakfasts, and  simply socialize in the evening with the others that were there from out of town. I don't find that abnormal.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I used to have a job where we had conferences to attend monthly (the job was presenting at the conferences, hence the frequency). Even when it was in only 30 mins away, we stayed at the hotel. They wanted us to attend the dinners and breakfasts, and  simply socialize in the evening with the others that were there from out of town. I don't find that abnormal.

 

Alright - I stand corrected.  Maybe that part does make sense.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

Ă—
Ă—
  • Create New...