Bullied Kid hangs himself- What the ??

[TranquilMind]

What the h*ll is wrong with kids today.  Why is there so much bullying? How is the ball getting dropped?

So many questions.  So sad.  I hope these kids get in some trouble.  The school did nothing about it, even though the family complained. 

 

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/13-year-old-boy-kills-self-describes-being-bullied-in-emotional-note/ar-BBvB0HV?li=BBnbfcL

[gardenmom5]

this is hardly new. I thought about killing myself due to bullying back in the 70s - I was hardly alone.  My mother was bullied in the 40s.

 

now, it makes the news. then, it was written off as kids will be kids.

 

eta: I even had a couple teachers participate. . . .  school admins like the path of least resistance.

Edited August 14, 2016 by gardenmom5

[ktgrok]

Breaks my heart, especially when I think of the kids in my school that were ostracized. I never bullied anyone, but I know of kids that were, that I thought were weird, etc. Heartbreaking. 

[HomeAgain]

Are more kids getting bullied, are more children committing suicide, or are more stories making the news?

 

 

What this child went through is heartbreaking.  My heart reaches out to his family.  :(   I cannot even imagine their pain.  I think the issue is so much more complex than "what is wrong with kids these days".  America has done everything in its power to stunt childhood: removing free play and replacing it with scheduled activities.  Removing opportunities to teach children social graces and compassion and replacing them with scripts and carrot/stick methods.  Peppering tv and the news with constant stories of violence.  There just isn't.....there isn't one finger to point here, or even knowing where to point it.

 

 

[LucyStoner]

The schools rarely if ever do anything particularly effective about it. Bullying was one of the reasons we started homeschooling. My older son makes an easy target and I figured if it was that bad in FIRST GRADE I couldn't plan on it being better in upper grades.

 

I don't know that it is happening more often. I do know that what previously might have been a small article in a local paper can make national TV news or travel around the internet very quickly.

 

Remember that suicide was often covered up as a family shame in previous generations. My father said he had two classmates in the 1950s who died in "tragic accidents" but everyone knew the "accident" was self inflicted.

Edited August 14, 2016 by LucyStoner

[TranquilMind]

Are more kids getting bullied, are more children committing suicide, or are more stories making the news?

 

 

What this child went through is heartbreaking.  My heart reaches out to his family.  :(   I cannot even imagine their pain.  I think the issue is so much more complex than "what is wrong with kids these days".  America has done everything in its power to stunt childhood: removing free play and replacing it with scheduled activities.  Removing opportunities to teach children social graces and compassion and replacing them with scripts and carrot/stick methods.  Peppering tv and the news with constant stories of violence.  There just isn't.....there isn't one finger to point here, or even knowing where to point it.

 

Well, I don't think loads of kids were committing suicide in my youth. Certainly not in my city.  I never knew anyone at all or even heard of such a thing until I was in my late teens (and then the first one was an adult).   If a bunch of kids were picking on one (and that happened to me one time on the way home from school when some girl slugged me) then you went home and told your older brother and he scared the crap out of them and they didn't do it again.    There was at least a common understanding of what a bully is. 

 

I do agree with you that we do a lot of things wrong in society and kids are way over-scheduled today and that TV is loaded with violence. 

Edited August 14, 2016 by TranquilMind

[katilac]

I don't think there is necessarily more bullying, I observed plenty of horrific behavior and uninterested schools back in the 70s and 80s. 

 

I think that we are hearing about every tragic case due to the internet, and I also do think that social media can make the 'same' bullying worse, simply because there is no escape even after you leave school. 

 

He looks like such a beautiful, happy boy in his photo. I am heartbroken for him and his family. I hope the truth comes out about whether the school and teachers did or did not react properly. 

[Mergath]

The only real difference is that now, with social media, kids can't escape the bullying at home like they could before. And while the victim could completely avoid the internet 24/7, realistically that's not going to happen. And shouldn't have to.

[bettyandbob]

Not new.

 

I considered suicide as a tween and teen. In the 70s bullying was the fault of the person who was bullied. Someone who committed suicide was the problem. He was weak or had mental health issues. It was not usually suggested that the bully behavior was really wrong.

[TranquilMind]

The schools rarely if ever do anything particularly effective about it. Bullying was one of the reasons we started homeschooling. My older son makes an easy target and I figured if it was that bad in FIRST GRADE I couldn't plan on it being better in upper grades.

 

I don't know that it is happening more often. I do know that what previously might have been a small articile in a local paper can make national TV news or travel around the internet very quickly.

 

Remember that suicide was often covered up as a family shame in previous generations. My father said he had two classmates in the 1950s who died in "tragic accidents" but everyone knew the "accident" was self inflicted.

 

Why don't the schools do something? 

 

They pay all this lip service to not bullying and then do nothing when it comes to their attention? 

[goldberry]

It's heartbreaking.  I don't think parents can rely on the schools or anyone else, unfortunately.  If your kid is being bullied, you have to be the one to take action.  (I know in some cases it's not practically or financially possible, but often it is.)

[Mergath]

this is hardly new. I thought about killing myself due to bullying back in the 70s - I was hardly alone.  My mother was bullied in the 40s.

 

now, it makes the news. then, it was written off as kids will be kids.

 

eta: I even had a couple teachers participate. . . .  school admins like the path of least resistance.

 

Me too, but it was in the 90s. I've had epilepsy since I was twelve, and kids used to pass me in the hall and pretend to fall down having seizures. Then they'd scream that I was a freak, among other things. The teachers always seemed to find this mildly amusing. Or the football players would sit on the benches along the many corridor and rate girls as they walked by. Those of us who were unpopular would get "One!" with gagging sounds for effect. One time a particularly awful boy told me I should just kill myself so no one would have to look at me again. Even my "friend" used to tell me I was ugly and how sorry she felt for me. 

 

Definitely not new.

[creekland]

I don't really see much info in the linked article.

 

It's definitely sad, but I suspect there could be another side to the story from the school's perspective.  I know our school takes bullying VERY seriously and comes down hard on kids when it's seen (even kicking kids out of school on suspension when needed), but there are also students whose perceptions are off - they see bullying when it's not really there.  FWIW, our school has a counselor who works with them too - teaching about social skills, etc.

 

This doesn't mean that happens in all schools or that all teachers see everything as kids can be good at hiding stuff - esp if the one getting bullied won't speak up. However, I'm impressed with how our school handles things.

 

This young lad was going to a private school.  Why didn't the parents change that if they weren't getting results?  No one has to attend a private school.

[LucyStoner]

Why don't the schools do something?

 

They pay all this lip service to not bullying and then do nothing when it comes to their attention?

Sometimes the teacher or administration participates in or tacitly condones the bullying. Bullies often instinctively pick the kids that the teacher finds the most annoying or frustrating to work with and thus the teachers are less likely to believe those children.

 

My son's experiences were minimized, denied and ultimately blamed on him. There wasn't, as advertised, a zero tolerance policy for bullying. There was a defacto zero tolerance policy for bullied children.

 

It staggers the imagination that anyone would be unaware of this phenomena or the very real deaths of far too many children in recent years.

 

You need to watch the documentary Bully.

[TranquilMind]

Not new.

 

I considered suicide as a tween and teen. In the 70s bullying was the fault of the person who was bullied. Someone who committed suicide was the problem. He was weak or had mental health issues. It was not usually suggested that the bully behavior was really wrong.

 

Those aren't the 70's I remember.   Bullies were jerks. 

 

[TranquilMind]

Sometimes the teacher or administration participates in or tacitly condones the bullying. Bullies often instinctively pick the kids that the teacher finds the most annoying or frustrating to work with and thus the teachers are less likely to believe those children.

 

My son's experiences were minimized, denied and ultimately blamed on him. There wasn't, as advertised, a zero tolerance policy for bullying. There was a defacto zero tolerance policy for bullied children.

 

It staggers the imagination that anyone would be unaware of this phenomena or the very real deaths of far too many children in recent years.

 

You need to watch the documentary Bully.

Yeah, I will watch that if I can find it.

I think that is terrible. 

[kewb]

The bullying has always been there.  The difference between my being bullied and today is social media.  At the end of the day I left my bullies at school and did not have to deal with them once I got home.  Today, you can't escape it.  They get your cell phone number.  They take embarassing photos and send it to everyone.  They set up websites dedicated to making fun of you.  They stalk you online.  It feels extra hopeless. 

 

It is tragic and I really wish there was someway to fix it.

[TranquilMind]

The bullying has always been there.  The difference between my being bullied and today is social media.  At the end of the day I left my bullies at school and did not have to deal with them once I got home.  Today, you can't escape it.  They get your cell phone number.  They take embarassing photos and send it to everyone.  They set up websites dedicated to making fun of you.  They stalk you online.  It feels extra hopeless. 

 

It is tragic and I really wish there was someway to fix it.

 

There is a way to fix it.  If these are minors bullying other kids as it typically is, the parents of said minors need to get into their business and know every single thing their kid is doing online.  It is your job as a parent; you are responsible for what is happening on your internet connection. Then you come down hard if you discover one of the little monsters is yours.  It should be easier than ever to fix it.  Back in the day, it was one kid's word against another's.  Today, there is a digital record of almost everything that happens. They just can help themselves.  They record everything. 

 

If they are 18, file a police report and hopefully they will be charged with harassment. 

Edited August 14, 2016 by TranquilMind

[Caroline]

Those aren't the 70's I remember. Bullies were jerks.

 

It's certainly the 70's I remember. There was bullying. A lot of it.

[dirty ethel rackham]

this is hardly new. I thought about killing myself due to bullying back in the 70s - I was hardly alone. My mother was bullied in the 40s.

 

now, it makes the news. then, it was written off as kids will be kids.

 

eta: I even had a couple teachers participate. . . . school admins like the path of least resistance.

Nope. Not new at all. We just hear about it more because, these days, people actually care about bullying. Back in my day, nobody cared. I was bullied/harassed for 6 years. "Sticks and stones ...". "Stop being such a target.". "It just means they like you.". "What did you do to make them not link you?". I learned not to complain because it was pointless and only served to bring me more shame. Suicide crossed my mind more than once. I seriously think it changed my brain chemistry and default thought patterns and set me up with a lifelong battle against depression.

 

That is why I take bullying very seriously and listen when it is happening and make sure that my kids know that they haven't done anything to deserve it. I may not be able to stop it myself (man, where is that Supermom cape when I need one?), But my kids know I am on their side.

 

Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk

[kewb]

There is a way to fix it.  If these are minors bullying other kids as it typically is, the parents of said minors need to get into their business and know every single thing their kid is doing online.  It is your job as a parent; you are responsible for what is happening on your internet connection. Then you come down hard if you discover one of the little monsters is yours.  It should be easier than ever to fix it.  Back in the day, it was one kid's word against another's.  Today, there is a digital record of almost everything that happens. They just can help themselves.  They record everything. 

 

If they are 18, file a police report and hopefully they will be charged with harassment. 

 

In theory you are correct.  However, many parents suffer from "not my special snowflake" syndrome.  Bullying is ultimately why we started homeschooling.  A group of girls were terrorizing my son.  I worked with the school for two years.  Somehow it was always my sons fault that he was a target.  He eventually stopped saying anything because the teachers didn't do anything.  I actually called the mothers of some of the girls after one incident. One was horrified and spoke with her daughter and called me back with "her daughter didn't do it" and the other mother insisted on knowing the names of the other girls (I wouldn't tell her) because her angel would never do such a thing.  My son told me she was the ring leader.

 

Kids on the block used to bully my son, too.  The girl would make up stories and her father would always get on my case about what my son was doing.  Other parents on the block knew what was going on but the father of the bully didn't believe it.  After awhile I just told my kids not to hang out with the kids on the block.  If they were all playing together as soon as the girl showed up I told my kids to come home.

The other bullying on the block was typical group dynamic situations that would arise.

[MEmama]

It's certainly the 70's I remember. There was bullying. A lot of it.

Yep. In the 80s too. Fights most days in the halls, several suicides most years in middle and high school, bullying an everyday fact. I had a PE teacher stand around and pretend not to watch as a gang of girls surrounded me and threatened to kill me with a knife during class. Just one case of so many. Don't you all remember the boys all yelling "fight! Fight! Fight" as others pummeled each other between classes until some bored administrator was finally forced to break it up?

 

It's not worse now, no way. Social media offers its own set of problems, but it can provide a lot of help too. I don't believe kids are more poorly behaved than they used to be, or that social media is the evil unmanageable force some people like to make it out to seem.

[TranquilMind]

In theory you are correct.  However, many parents suffer from "not my special snowflake" syndrome.  Bullying is ultimately why we started homeschooling.  A group of girls were terrorizing my son.  I worked with the school for two years.  Somehow it was always my sons fault that he was a target.  He eventually stopped saying anything because the teachers didn't do anything.  I actually called the mothers of some of the girls after one incident. One was horrified and spoke with her daughter and called me back with "her daughter didn't do it" and the other mother insisted on knowing the names of the other girls (I wouldn't tell her) because her angel would never do such a thing.  My son told me she was the ring leader.

 

Kids on the block used to bully my son, too.  The girl would make up stories and her father would always get on my case about what my son was doing.  Other parents on the block knew what was going on but the father of the bully didn't believe it.  After awhile I just told my kids not to hang out with the kids on the block.  If they were all playing together as soon as the girl showed up I told my kids to come home.

The other bullying on the block was typical group dynamic situations that would arise.

 

Yeah, I know these people are out there.  Parents need to get their heads out of you-know-where and actually find the evidence instead of just tell other parents that their snowflake didn't do it. 

 

I was treated that way too when I informed another Christian homeschooling mom at the time that her child had graphically informed mine of all kinds of sexual acts he had heard of as soon as the dad went to bed at an ill-advised sleepover.  Her kid had been told by a third friend (not present) who had an older brother who was constantly telling the younger brother all of the things he was doing with his girlfriend (I also happened to know the girlfriend and her mom so I knew this was true).

 

This kid relayed them in detail to my kid.   It got graphic. They were both young, and I feel the other kid was just relaying what he had been told, trying to be cool.   

 

My kid told me the next day.   I told the mom because I thought she ought to know what kind of stuff was coming to her kid through this other friendship.  She was at least reasonable and listened, which is more than many will do. 

 

She talked to her kid who then of course said it was MY kid sharing all the sexual stuff not his other friend with the older brother and he never said anything at all.   Nope.  No access at all, no older siblings to share such info, no internet, nothing in the home, no other close friends at the time telling him anything.   Sorry.  Nice try. 

 

That kid never did come clean. 

 

[Rebel Yell]

Nope. Not new at all. We just hear about it more because, these days, people actually care about bullying. Back in my day, nobody cared. I was bullied/harassed for 6 years. "Sticks and stones ...". "Stop being such a target.". "It just means they like you.". "What did you do to make them not link you?". I learned not to complain because it was pointless and only served to bring me more shame. Suicide crossed my mind more than once. I seriously think it changed my brain chemistry and default thought patterns and set me up with a lifelong battle against depression.

 

That is why I take bullying very seriously and listen when it is happening and make sure that my kids know that they haven't done anything to deserve it. I may not be able to stop it myself (man, where is that Supermom cape when I need one?), But my kids know I am on their side.

 

Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk

Same here. So sorry.

[ktgrok]

Yup, we had kids try to commit suicide in high school. One girl jumped off an overpass, survived, and ended up paraplegic. 

[Ottakee]

In addition to working on the bullies, I think we need to work on teaching the kids to be bully proof. I saw an article where the teacher specifically step by step taught his wholeclassroom (1st grade I think)how to deal with bullies. It helped take the power out of the hands of the bully anf give it to the kid who was being bullied. Very effective.

 

A lot happened years ago that might have made the local gossip rounds that now becomes national news. I knew 2 kids who committed suicide in highschool and one was a bit older. None made the news for the suicide.

[Alessandra]

The only real difference is that now, with social media, kids can't escape the bullying at home like they could before. And while the victim could completely avoid the internet 24/7, realistically that's not going to happen. And shouldn't have to.

This never fails to move me. I heard a talk by the father.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_of_Ryan_Halligan

 

Me too, but it was in the 90s. I've had epilepsy since I was twelve, and kids used to pass me in the hall and pretend to fall down having seizures. Then they'd scream that I was a freak, among other things. The teachers always seemed to find this mildly amusing. Or the football players would sit on the benches along the many corridor and rate girls as they walked by. Those of us who were unpopular would get "One!" with gagging sounds for effect. One time a particularly awful boy told me I should just kill myself so no one would have to look at me again. Even my "friend" used to tell me I was ugly and how sorry she felt for me.

 

Definitely not new.

I couldn't click 'like,' but wanted to say how sorry I am that this happened to you. Edited August 14, 2016 by Alessandra

[LucyStoner]

It's even an issue at homeschooling programs, something many homeschooling parents are loathe to admit.

 

Two years ago during the spelling bee there, a child took to mimicking and making faces at my son's ASD related stimming. The room was full of parents and no one said a thing. I didn't want to embarass my son by stopping the bee because I could tell my son had no idea what was going on but I will admit that when that kid placed second behind my son after missing a fairly simple word, I was thinking "serves you right, you little punk". My son was more upset the bee was "too easy" than he was about the other kid.

Edited August 14, 2016 by LucyStoner

[ChocolateReignRemix]

Those aren't the 70's I remember.   Bullies were jerks. 

 

 

Teen suicide rates were in the ballpark of 8/9 per 100,000 in the 70s.  Currently they are running somewhere over 10.  They have increased but they were by no means rare before.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

It's even an issue at homeschooling programs, something many homeschooling parents are loathe to admit.

 

Two years ago during the spelling bee there, a child took to mimicking and making faces at my son's ASD related stimming. The room was full of parents and no one said a thing. I didn't want to embarass my son by stopping the bee because I could tell my son had no idea what was going on but I will admit that when that kid placed second behind my son after missing a fairly simple word, I was thinking, serves you right you little punk. My son was more upset the bee was "too easy" than he was about the other kid.

 

Reading some experiences of parents on here and it is pretty clear it goes on among homeschooling parents as well.

[jelbe5]

this is hardly new. I thought about killing myself due to bullying back in the 70s - I was hardly alone. My mother was bullied in the 40s.

 

now, it makes the news. then, it was written off as kids will be kids.

 

eta: I even had a couple teachers participate. . . . school admins like the path of least resistance.

I did not want to "like" your post in case that seemed insensitive. This also happened to me in the parochial school I attended for years. I also thought about ending my life since the "teasing" as it was called, was daily.

 

That experience is one of the primary reasons why I wanted to homeschool my children.

[jelbe5]

Me too, but it was in the 90s. I've had epilepsy since I was twelve, and kids used to pass me in the hall and pretend to fall down having seizures. Then they'd scream that I was a freak, among other things. The teachers always seemed to find this mildly amusing. Or the football players would sit on the benches along the many corridor and rate girls as they walked by. Those of us who were unpopular would get "One!" with gagging sounds for effect. One time a particularly awful boy told me I should just kill myself so no one would have to look at me again. Even my "friend" used to tell me I was ugly and how sorry she felt for me.

 

Definitely not new.

OMG I am so so sorry you were treated this way. It just blows my mind how cruel children/teens can be to others.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Sometimes the teacher or administration participates in or tacitly condones the bullying. Bullies often instinctively pick the kids that the teacher finds the most annoying or frustrating to work with and thus the teachers are less likely to believe those children.

 

My son's experiences were minimized, denied and ultimately blamed on him. There wasn't, as advertised, a zero tolerance policy for bullying. There was a defacto zero tolerance policy for bullied children.

 

It staggers the imagination that anyone would be unaware of this phenomena or the very real deaths of far too many children in recent years.

 

You need to watch the documentary Bully.

 

Similar story for us as well. One of the primary reasons we started home schooling.

[Guest]

Me too, but it was in the 90s. I've had epilepsy since I was twelve, and kids used to pass me in the hall and pretend to fall down having seizures. Then they'd scream that I was a freak, among other things. The teachers always seemed to find this mildly amusing. Or the football players would sit on the benches along the many corridor and rate girls as they walked by. Those of us who were unpopular would get "One!" with gagging sounds for effect. One time a particularly awful boy told me I should just kill myself so no one would have to look at me again. Even my "friend" used to tell me I was ugly and how sorry she felt for me.

 

Definitely not new.

That is horrible.

[Peaceful Isle]

Yup, my son would totally be a target. He stuttered all the way up to about 7 years old, and is awkward at times.

He is an awesome kid, but doesn't fit the "cool" mode.

 

I don't remember extreme bullying in my schools I went to, but I do remember people being mean to me and others. It does get in a kids head, and finally they feel they are worth nothing.

 

I am so thankful I homeschool my kids. So very thankful.

[FaithManor]

The schools rarely if ever do anything particularly effective about it. Bullying was one of the reasons we started homeschooling. My older son makes an easy target and I figured if it was that bad in FIRST GRADE I couldn't plan on it being better in upper grades.

 

I don't know that it is happening more often. I do know that what previously might have been a small article in a local paper can make national TV news or travel around the internet very quickly.

 

Remember that suicide was often covered up as a family shame in previous generations. My father said he had two classmates in the 1950s who died in "tragic accidents" but everyone knew the "accident" was self inflicted.

This.

 

It has only been in recent generations that suicide was talked about openly. There are suicides in my family's history and the older generation always calls them "unfortunate accidents" and shake their heads. So I'm inclined to think that their isn't a rise in numbers so much as these tragedies are simply being more accurately reported now.

 

Since the law sides with the bully, after all Buford deserves an education too even if that means it occurs at everyone else's expense, schools do pretty much nothing. And with zero tolerance policies in place, students who end up needing to defend themselves from physical abuse, can be expelled or otherwise punished for having the nerve to stand up for themselves. The stupid is deep in the system. I can only imagine the mental trauma these targeted children endure.

[IfIOnly]

Main reason I homeschool: so my kids will never experience the culture of popularity, cliques, comparison (intelligence, athletics, looks, etc.), and bullying like I did. I spent most of my youth in the library at lunch time or in a bathroom stall. Bus rides were awful. I hate the power dynamics and rung system of public school.

 

I thought this was pretty great though: http://momastery.com/blog/2014/08/21/the-one-letter-to-read/

 

"Hey Baby.

 

Tomorrow is a big day. Third Grade – wow.

 

Chase – When I was in third grade, there was a little boy in my class named Adam.

 

Adam looked a little different and he wore funny clothes and sometimes he even smelled a little bit. Adam didn’t smile. He hung his head low and he never looked at anyone at all. Adam never did his homework. I don’t think his parents reminded him like yours do. The other kids teased Adam a lot. Whenever they did, his head hung lower and lower and lower. I never teased him, but I never told the other kids to stop, either.

 

And I never talked to Adam, not once. I never invited him to sit next to me at lunch, or to play with me at recess. Instead, he sat and played by himself. He must have been very lonely.

 

I still think about Adam every day. I wonder if Adam remembers me? Probably not. I bet if I’d asked him to play, just once, he’d still remember me.

 

I think that God puts people in our lives as gifts to us. The children in your class this year, they are some of God’s gifts to you.

 

So please treat each one like a gift from God. Every single one.

 

Baby, if you see a child being left out, or hurt, or teased, a little part of your heart will hurt a little. Your daddy and I want you to trust that heart- ache. Your whole life, we want you to notice and trust your heart-ache. That heart ache is called compassion, and it is God’s signal to you to do something. It is God saying, Chase! Wake up! One of my babies is hurting! Do something to help! Whenever you feel compassion – be thrilled! It means God is speaking to you, and that is magic. It means He trusts you and needs you.

 

Sometimes the magic of compassion will make you step into the middle of a bad situation right away.

 

Compassion might lead you to tell a teaser to stop it and then ask the teased kid to play. You might invite a left-out kid to sit next to you at lunch. You might choose a kid for your team first who usually gets chosen last. These things will be hard to do, but you can do hard things.

 

Sometimes you will feel compassion but you won’t step in right away. That’s okay, too. You might choose instead to tell your teacher and then tell us. We are on your team – we are on your whole class’ team. Asking for help for someone who is hurting is not tattling, it is doing the right thing. If someone in your class needs help, please tell me, baby. We will make a plan to help together.

 

When God speaks to you by making your heart hurt for another, by giving you compassion, just do something. Please do not ignore God whispering to you. I so wish I had not ignored God when He spoke to me about Adam. I remember Him trying, I remember feeling compassion, but I chose fear over compassion. I wish I hadn’t. Adam could have used a friend and I could have, too.

 

Chase – We do not care if you are the smartest or fastest or coolest or funniest. There will be lots of contests at school, and we don’t care if you win a single one of them. We don’t care if you get straight As. We don’t care if the girls think you’re cute or whether you’re picked first or last for kickball at recess. We don’t care if you are your teacher’s favorite or not. We don’t care if you have the best clothes or most Pokemon cards or coolest gadgets. We just don’t care.

 

We don’t send you to school to become the best at anything at all. We already love you as much as we possibly could. You do not have to earn our love or pride and you can’t lose it. That’s done.

 

We send you to school to practice being brave and kind.

 

Kind people are brave people. Because brave is not a feeling that you should wait for. It is a decision. It is a decision that compassion is more important than fear, than fitting in, than following the crowd.

 

Trust me, baby, it is. It is more important.

 

Don’t try to be the best this year, honey.

 

Just be grateful and kind and brave. That’s all you ever need to be.

 

Take care of those classmates of yours, and your teacher, too. You Belong to Each Other. You are one lucky boy . . . with all of these new gifts to unwrap this year.

 

I love you so much that my heart might explode.

 

Enjoy and cherish your gifts.

 

And thank you for being my favorite gift of all time.

 

Love,

Mama"

 

If only.

Edited August 14, 2016 by ifIonlyhadabrain

[FaithManor]

We have one school district here that is making a big difference though. They just really had a heart for tackling this issue and found out that our state 4-H program has a character/bonding/anti-bullying program that when implemented young is quite effective. They hired our program director to come in and do the program with their third, fourth, and fifth graders. It has made a drastic improvement in relationships in the schools, between the kids, etc., and the number of bullying incidents has dropped by a huge amount. It has been so successful that our county commissioners decided to write a grant to get the money to have it implemented in every school. 

 

I can't remember all  the specifics though as I've not volunteered with that program.

[FaithManor]

Me too, but it was in the 90s. I've had epilepsy since I was twelve, and kids used to pass me in the hall and pretend to fall down having seizures. Then they'd scream that I was a freak, among other things. The teachers always seemed to find this mildly amusing. Or the football players would sit on the benches along the many corridor and rate girls as they walked by. Those of us who were unpopular would get "One!" with gagging sounds for effect. One time a particularly awful boy told me I should just kill myself so no one would have to look at me again. Even my "friend" used to tell me I was ugly and how sorry she felt for me. 

 

Definitely not new.

Boy that makes me want a time machine so I can go back and smack some people up big time!

 

I am sorry that happened to you, Mergath.

[Melissa in Australia]

Not new.

 

I considered suicide as a tween and teen. In the 70s bullying was the fault of the person who was bullied. Someone who committed suicide was the problem. He was weak or had mental health issues. It was not usually suggested that the bully behavior was really wrong.

People still think that suicide is a weakness or mental illness.attitudes haven't changed since the 70's unfortunately

Edited August 14, 2016 by Melissa in Australia

[Melissa in Australia]

bulliying in the 70's & early 80's was so bad for me that I was suicidal. I even had a knife held at my neck as leaving the school and itching powder thrown at me. If I or any of my siblings would touch a piece of play equipment ALL of the students in the school would run screaming to the other side of the school yard. Only buy uttering special incarnations would they be free of the special germs we were said to be contaminating the with. Fortunately for me the 2 main bullies died of a drug overdose at age 12.

[foxbridgeacademy]

In the mid-late 80's I was bullied mercilessly to the point of getting beat up by a girl.  In the end the girl got expelled (I was not her only victim) but one of my teachers said "well you are kind of annoying."  What got the girl expelled was my mom, who went down to the school and raised hell she didn't stop until they expelled the girl (they were suggesting 3 day suspension.... I was this girls 4th or 5th victim to be assaulted and it was only October).  My situation was not unusual and I went to a "good" school whose students were the children of University professors and industrial middle management.  Like a PP said the victims were blamed as much as the bullies and bullying was rampant. Kids might not have been killing themselves, instead they were failing classes and dropping out (my parents pulled me out of school). Luckily I was given other opportunities and I was smart enough to get into University with out a H.S. diploma. 

 

I was determined my kids would not suffer through any of that, one of the MANY reasons we HS.

[shinyhappypeople]

It's even an issue at homeschooling programs, something many homeschooling parents are loathe to admit.

 

Two years ago during the spelling bee there, a child took to mimicking and making faces at my son's ASD related stimming. The room was full of parents and no one said a thing. I didn't want to embarass my son by stopping the bee because I could tell my son had no idea what was going on but I will admit that when that kid placed second behind my son after missing a fairly simple word, I was thinking, serves you right you little punk. My son was more upset the bee was "too easy" than he was about the other kid.

 

Yup.  It's alive and well in homeschooling.  My daughter STILL suffers anxiety when we drive by her old dance studio because of the Mean Girl ugliness she dealt with last spring.  She has to see MG this week for an enrichment class and she's already mentally prepping herself.  And MG's mom is still in denial.  I think that (parental denial) is the biggest reason bullying continues.  Yes, kids can behave badly and be jerks to one another sometimes.  None of our kids are perfect.  But if you, the parent, don't step in and take the lead in stopping the behavior you are a part of the problem.

[Paige]

 

My son's experiences were minimized, denied and ultimately blamed on him. There wasn't, as advertised, a zero tolerance policy for bullying. There was a defacto zero tolerance policy for bullied children.

 

 

 

This was our experience as well. When DS complained of bullying he was told it was impossible because it was a "bully free zone." WTH?? Saying it doesn't make it so. DS wasn't even being bullied himself at the time but was reporting attacks on other kids that he'd witnessed. He was told that he must have misunderstood the situation and that the teachers would have noticed and intervened if what he said were true. 

 

DS kept reporting what he saw, and eventually he was the problem. He became the target of the bullying kids because the admins, it an astonishing lapse of judgement and basic common sense, kept bringing DS and the bullies in for face to face mediation, outing him as the whistle blower. I would have thought they would have kept a witness anonymous and increased their supervision.

 

On the wider issue, I think it is unclear if bullying is worse or only better advertised than before, but it doesn't matter. When we know better, we should do better, and, as adults, it shouldn't be so hard to decide to not let kids be little jerks to other kids.

[TranquilMind]

This was our experience as well. When DS complained of bullying he was told it was impossible because it was a "bully free zone." WTH?? Saying it doesn't make it so. DS wasn't even being bullied himself at the time but was reporting attacks on other kids that he'd witnessed. He was told that he must have misunderstood the situation and that the teachers would have noticed and intervened if what he said were true. 

 

DS kept reporting what he saw, and eventually he was the problem. He became the target of the bullying kids because the admins, it an astonishing lapse of judgement and basic common sense, kept bringing DS and the bullies in for face to face mediation, outing him as the whistle blower. I would have thought they would have kept a witness anonymous and increased their supervision.

 

On the wider issue, I think it is unclear if bullying is worse or only better advertised than before, but it doesn't matter. When we know better, we should do better, and, as adults, it shouldn't be so hard to decide to not let kids be little jerks to other kids.

Wow.  What oblivion. 

 

We do know better and we should do better. 

[goldberry]

Only a couple of years ago my friend had to switch schools for her son (middle school) due to absolute refusal to act by the school principal in an ongoing bullying situation.  The principal would agree for certain things to happen, they would not happen, and when friend would ask about it, he would make up excuses.  Nothing was being done.  The bully targeting her son had already put one student IN THE HOSPITAL with a broken nose and facial bones.  Bully was suspended ONE WEEK and then sent back to the same classes he had WITH THE VICTIM.  The school wouldn't even keep this kid separate from a victim he already put in the hospital.

 

And this was about two years ago, when you think people would know better.  This is my only local middle school, and why even before this incident I decided DD would not be going there - because I met the principal and already decided he was just a big jerk.  Boy was I right!

[Lisa R.]

In addition to working on the bullies, I think we need to work on teaching the kids to be bully proof. I saw an article where the teacher specifically step by step taught his wholeclassroom (1st grade I think)how to deal with bullies. It helped take the power out of the hands of the bully anf give it to the kid who was being bullied. Very effective.

 

 

 

Can you elaborate further about this program and what they teach? This sounds interesting.

[Samm]

There was private school my kids attended because this school excelled in a certain subject area -- a subject in which we spend a lot of additional time, money, and even other private coaches on.  My son's training goes way beyond what the private school offered, although the private school was very good in this area.  

 

There started bullying of my son at this school by a student.  Most teachers could see that the problem-child had weird violent issues but because of the pity-party case waged by problem-child's parent, the school turned a blind eye.  I didn't care the reasons or the issues of why problem-child was suddenly hitting my son unprovoked.  All I saw was that it was interfering with my son's training for a state championship.  God forbid he get injured and not even during practice!  And I saw red.  Big scarlet red because this child was messing with something the magnitude of which he could not possibly grasp.  I took names, I gathered witness accounts.  And yes, I was very annoying gathering research over a 48 hour period.  I wrote precisely one concise and itemized letter describing each event, specifying dates, times and detailed eye-witnesses and handed it to the principal in person with very little discussion.  My letter was something that could easily be handed to police or social workers, or superintendents of non-public education. My unspoken general mantra was something like:  You Now Know.  I Know You Know.  There is No Way You Can Deny that You Know.  Either Refute Each and Every Bulletpoint on This Letter or Make My Problem Go Away.  Like, Right Now!

 

Fortunately for me, the problem went away.  But it took extraordinary work, and I was already calculating what school/tutor will I'd find for him THAT WEEK if bullying happened even one more time once I figured it out.

 

The thing is, this problem-child really did have issues.  I think he quickly got mental health services because the situation improved rapidly from that point on.  My guess is that the school turned the burden onto that kid's parents.  I don't really know.  

 

I agree it's totally the adults at the school who run the show.  Kids can be mean, and even mean kids can need help badly.  Shame on the school for not intervening.

 

The deceased boy's GFM page is full of tributes and contributions from other parents of bullied kids, including one from the parents of a child who died by suicide earlier this year.  :(

Edited August 15, 2016 by Samm

[mom2scouts]

My son once informed me that he was being bullied by another boy. One day the mom and the boy were driving by our house when my son was just walking up to the house after school. The MOM yelled out the window calling my 13 year old son a vulgar name. It wasn't too hard to see where the son learned his ways.

[Denisemomof4]

I always wonder how a parent coukd allow their child to be continually subject to this kind of treatment. I would definitely pull my kid from school and never allow them to return.

 

Then I feel badly for thinking these thoughts, and repeat them again when another story comes out.

 

I just don't understand sending their kid into such a horrible, harsh environment day after day, yet my heart breaks for those parents.

 

Yes, I am conflicted.