Pregnancy...when to tell the other kids? update #28

[ktgrok]

So, I'm 10 weeks pregnant, and I got the genetic tests back yesterday night, all low risk!!!!! I'd been holding back on getting excited due to my age (40), but there is a less than 1/10,000 chance the baby has anything wrong with it, as far as genetic issues, so I'm now actually excited!!! And, we found out the sex, it's a girl!

So...my next question is, when do I tell the kids??? I've found things that say the miscarriage risk at 10 weeks is about the same as 12 weeks, very low. Other things that say the risk is double if you are over 40..but that includes genetic issues,which we've ruled out, so I don't even know how accurate that is. 

 

We saw the baby/heartbeat at 7 weeks, and again at 8 weeks after my car accident. There was a small subchorionic hemorrhage at 7 weeks that they saw on the transvag ultrasound, but it couldn't really be seen at the 8 week one, although they did abdominal then not transvag, so maybe that's why, or maybe it had already resolved. No bleeding/cramping, anything. 

 

This is my 4th pregnancy, with no miscarriages. Other lab work is great, vitamin levels, etc. 

 

So, I could wait until 12 weeks. I could wait until 11 weeks, at which time I've got a brief appt with my midwife just to try listening to the heart tones. My first prenatal was at 9 weeks and it was too early to hear it on the doppler (I'm a bit um, thick, and we've never heard them that early). Or I could just go ahead and tell now. 

 

I'm looking forward to telling them, I know they will be super excited, and it would be an explanation for why mommy keeps saying her tummy is upset. But, I don't want to tell too early and then have to explain a miscarriage the next week. 

 

Any thoughts? (oh, and my teen knows..he's been lifting the heavy things for me, cleaning the litter box for me, and babysitting the kids when I've had appointments. It's just the 6 yr old and 3 yr old that don't know.)

Edited August 10, 2016 by ktgrok

[Wabi Sabi]

Congratulations!

I personally am not good at keeping secrets, especially thing that are exciting, so I would've spilled the beans to my kids already, especially if I didn't have a history of miscarriages or other complications. 

[mommyoffive]

I don't know.   All my kids knew at around 6 weeks because that is when I get terribly sick, so I never had an option to not tell them.  

 

Congrats on the great news and your little girl.  I am so excited for you.  

[Alessandra]

No advice, but I am glad to hear that your news is good.

[Twigs]

I can't help you with your question, but …

 

:party:  :party:  :party:

Congratulations!!!

[Bluegoat]

The only thing that occurs to me is that especially for the younger child, waiting longer for the baby to arrive might get a little tedious.

[JustEm]

We have always told the kids right away so as early as 5 weeks. My thought has been even if a miscarriage happens they deserve to know of a sibling death and be allowed to mourn it, like dh and I would mourn the loss of a child. I had my only miscarriage at 15 weeks. It sucked and my kids were bummed but we got through it as a family and still talk about that miscarriage occasionally.

[StaceyinLA]

No real suggestion on what to do about telling vs waiting, but YAY that everything is going so well, and YAY for a baby girl!!

[PrincessMommy]

We have always told the kids right away so as early as 5 weeks. My thought has been even if a miscarriage happens they deserve to know of a sibling death and be allowed to mourn it, like dh and I would mourn the loss of a child. I had my only miscarriage at 15 weeks. It sucked and my kids were bummed but we got through it as a family and still talk about that miscarriage occasionally.

 

Us too.  I could never wait.   But, I started having kids before waiting until 12weeks became a thing anyway.   My friends/family used to pray for each other and their pregnancies.  It just wouldn't have occurred to us to keep it a secret (unless family was vocally non-supportive of the preg). 

Edited August 9, 2016 by PrincessMommy

[purpleowl]

6yo and 3yo? Right before you want the rest of the world to know.

[ktgrok]

Us too.  I could never wait.   But, I was started having kids before waiting until 12weeks became a thing anyway.   My friends/family used to pray for each other and their pregnancies.  It just wouldn't have occurred to us to keep it a secret (unless family was vocally non-supportive of the preg). 

 

Yeah, I've never waited before. I only really did this time because of my age, and all the scary stats about miscarriage after 40. But now that I know the baby is okay genetically, I'm not sure I have a real reason to wait. My parents know, my sister knows, a few close friends know, my oldest son knows, really the kids are the last ones not to know. Well, and my husband's coworkers. 

[barnwife]

6yo and 3yo? Right before you want the rest of the world to know.

 

This exactly.

 

I am currently 20 weeks. We told our kids (6, 4, and almost 3) around 16 weeks. Yes, I was sick in first trimester. Yes, I was tired. But, I knew if I told them the whole world would know. And we waited until a large family gathering to tell our news. 

 

Also, the 4 yo keeps asking if baby is coming today. This is despite being told (constantly) that baby won't come out until around Christmas. 

 

FWIW, soon after being told I was running errands with the kids and we saw someone we know from church. As the mom and I were chatting, the 4 yo interjected "baby." Obviously at that point I didn't care. But, if you aren't ready for them to be telling everyone, don't tell yet.

[Um_2_4]

LOL well, don't do what I did. I had come home from the u/s where I found out TWINS and called my ob to see about a follow up appt, my DS5 heard the word twins from the other room and came running into the room yelling "AM I GETTING TWIN BROTHERS?????". Cat out of the bag.

Although he was good about keeping the twin thing quiet, many did not know until they saw me at 6mos pg (I looked ready to pop, many though I was due any day) and I had to explain, that no I have a few more months to go.

[prairiewindmomma]

I would wait until after 14 weeks. There is a risk as your body transitions to the placenta taking over.  First trimester miscarriages can generally be taken care of at home, second trimester ones often require medical assistance. We always try to wait until after that point, as as soon as we tell our kids, the entire world knows.  I don't mind grieving in front of my littles, but I don't necessarily want them to tell Jim Bob at the grocery store that I did indeed miscarry on the toilet at home.

[ErinE]

Congratulations! Wonderful news!

 

I don't know. My family found out around 10 weeks for each pregnancy because I was visiting them around that time and I have severe morning sickness. In fact, my oldest guessed for #4 because I was sick all the time.

[wapiti]

6yo and 3yo? Right before you want the rest of the world to know.

 

This.  With my #6, I ended up telling them the kids at 15w, when my oldest asked me whether I was always going to be that fat ( :glare: #5 and #6 are 13 months apart).  The very. next. day, I got a call from a kindergarten teacher about some random thing and she congratulated me on the new pregnancy, which she had heard in a round-about way through various teaching assistants who heard it from one of the younger ones.

[purpleowl]

This.  With my #6, I ended up telling them the kids at 15w, when my oldest asked me whether I was always going to be that fat ( :glare: #5 and #6 are 13 months apart).  The very. next. day, I got a call from a kindergarten teacher about some random thing and she congratulated me on the new pregnancy, which she had heard in a round-about way through various teaching assistants who heard it from one of the younger ones.

 

:lol: I once had a kid at church say to me, "Um, Miss Amanda? Do you...know something...about my mom?" As it happened, I did, but if I hadn't I totally would have guessed based on that!

 

We actually told within a few days of finding out with all three kids; I'm not much for keeping secrets. (My own, I mean. I don't blab what other people tell me!) 

[Xahm]

With this one (due Sept 1), my then 3 yr old found out immediately. She was with me when I bought the test, and the overly friendly Dollar Store cashier asked her, "so, are you going to be a big sister again?" I had been downplaying what we were getting by saying I was getting a momma thing that was probably not interesting for kids, but with the additional info from the cashier, she was full of questions. She watched the stick change, and when an old friend came by after that, she blurted it all out. She included detail and offered to run and grab the stick, so I couldn't play it off as "kids and their imaginations." My two year old knew, too, but didn't care much until I was really showing and he could put things together.

All that to say, I would have waited, but it was no big deal to say earlier. We did stress it would be a long, long time for the baby to grow big enough to come out. If something bad had happened, we would have been sad together and it would have been awful, but my kids would have demanded to know why I was sad, so that wouldn't have been much better.

[Katy]

Congratulations on every test coming out normal.  Even at your age, with those test results, risks are now minimal.  I wouldn't share until right until you want people to know, because of their ages.  But there isn't anything wrong with having people know now, since your tests all came back ok.

[umsami]

Happy that things are going so well.  :hurray:

 

I can't keep a secret, so my kids have always known early on.  But they were young, too.  Back when I wsa pg with #4, my eldest was six or seven.

Edited August 9, 2016 by umsami

[gardenmom5]

with #4, I'd told my older kids by that point. they saw how I was feelilng.  they were young - 3, 6, 9.   it was our 'family secret' until  I was ready to tell other people.   1dd called me on it later when I mentioned it to someone else in her presence.  "mom, that's supposed to be a secret!"  it's ok honey, we can tell people now.

 

If we wanted the world to know - we'd tell mil. 

 

with dudeling - 1dd found my pg test.  right. before. I started bleeding. (it was a 'fun' pg. not.)  she was 21 and an incoming college senior.    

[ktgrok]

I can't think of anyone they would tell, that doesn't already know. The woman I meet with every week for a playdate knows, my family knows, etc. I'll probably keep it off Facebook a bit longer, but I think I'm leaning towards telling. 

[rwilk]

We told our 4 yr old right away. I was sick and weak, and there were abnomal tests. She was worried I was sick or would die, so it made sense to tell her. She also was at all prenatal apts, so it would have been hard to hide.

 

Fwiw, she did keep the news to herself until we said it was ok.

[happypamama]

I'd probably tell them now. Your risk of loss is so low now (but congrats on both no signs of genetic abnormalities and on a girl! Did you do the CVS test?), and if you do have a loss, your DD is old enough that she'll notice something wrong. We always told our kids right away, but some of them didn't get it right away, of course.

[luuknam]

The only thing that occurs to me is that especially for the younger child, waiting longer for the baby to arrive might get a little tedious.

 

This. The advice I've heard in the past is that with young kids, you wait as long as possible, because otherwise it will seem like eternity to the kid, and you'll have to keep explaining that it's still going to be x months. I think we told my oldest about 2-3 months before the baby was due.

[Seasider]

The only thing that occurs to me is that especially for the younger child, waiting longer for the baby to arrive might get a little tedious.

So true!

 

With my second pregnancy, I told people in my closest sphere at 8-10 weeks. But my out of town parents and in-laws didn't find out til I was at 13 weeks.

[Anne in CA]

That is a long wait for kids as young as your youngest two, so I probably would wait until at least 14 weeks to keep them waiting as little as possible. Nothing to do with risk of miscarriage, just not wanting to keep them waiting too long. It's already going to seem like eons to them, so I'd reduce that AMAP, lol.

[ktgrok]

Well, we told them :)

 

Honestly, I just am not great at keeping secrets (my own, not other peoples) and it's been hard keeping it from them. Plus, this is more fun, lol! They were SO excited, especially my daughter. "FINALLY I get a sister!".  They immediately started trying to suggest names (top names from the 3 yr old were "sister" and "girl" and "girla"). 

 

And then my sister told HER kids (who are the same age as my littles) so now they are excited too. The older niece is already making a shopping list...she LOVES to shop, lol. I may be able to give that girl my credit card and not do anything. 

 

Anyway, I just felt like it was time, and now that I knew chromosomes were fine, and we'd seen baby and heartbeat, the risk seemed pretty low, about the same as what it would be in a few weeks. And like I said, I hate keeping secrets. 

[Guest]

Awwww... so fun! :)

[mommyoffive]

AWWW

 

 

 

Your dd's reaction is soooo cute!

 

 

[SproutMamaK]

I am just so darn happy for you. I know how long you've wanted this for and how tough it was to patiently wait for your husband to come around to the idea, and to hear everything going well and your kids being so happy... I just feel like even through the internet you're radiating joy right now. I grin every time I open one of your posts about this baby!

[ktgrok]

I am just so darn happy for you. I know how long you've wanted this for and how tough it was to patiently wait for your husband to come around to the idea, and to hear everything going well and your kids being so happy... I just feel like even through the internet you're radiating joy right now. I grin every time I open one of your posts about this baby!

 

Aww, thanks! And dh really IS on board. He actually sent me a message last week, when he was stuck at the airport, saying that he was really glad we decided to have another, as he was watching a little toddler at the age where they are really starting to explore the world, and it was so cute. 

 

I about melted :)

[mommyoffive]

Aww, thanks! And dh really IS on board. He actually sent me a message last week, when he was stuck at the airport, saying that he was really glad we decided to have another, as he was watching a little toddler at the age where they are really starting to explore the world, and it was so cute. 

 

I about melted :)

 

 

AWWWW

 

Love it.

[ktgrok]

Yeah, he talks tough, but he's a softie. Last night when we told the kids he was really quiet...but then I looked over and he was googling baby names on his phone :)  Totally busted :)

[happypamama]

Awww, how sweet that everyone's so thrilled!

[mamiof5]

So glad everything is looking good, and everyone knows. Congratulations on your sweet baby girl!!

[TinaBlue]

Congratulations on your little girl!! 💗

[Eagle]

Congratulations!!