Loss Moms...what was helpful?

[barnwife]

Warning: Infant Loss Mentioned




A family from our church recently welcomed a premature baby boy. Sadly, he did not survive. The funeral is today.

For those who have experienced a loss, what was helpful both immediately after and later on?

I believe dinner is taken care of for them at least for the rest of the week. But after that..what? And dinner seems so small. I plan to ask the parents what would be helpful, but wonder if this is one of those things that you just don't know as you are in the thick of it.

Thank you for anything you share. I am sorry there are any parents who have dealt with this. Hugs for all of you.

[BlsdMama]

Time.

 

All things seem small but all are appreciated.

 

You can ask them if they need anything, offer help, but honestly?  Time helps.  We lost our daughter in 2001 and we just buried my nephews this past February.  It brings back a lot of memories of coping........  

 

Things I loved: I didn't have a radio station in the middle of the desert - so the praise and worship CD a friend sent me was wonderful.  My MIL later had an ornament made with Hannah's name on it and it has become one of my beloved things - it gives us, as a family, the opportunity to put it on the tree every Christmas and talk about her.  We had a private funeral and I don't know if they will or not but I appreciated the cards and notes - perhaps not immediately, but months (and years) later when I would look back through them.

[bettyandbob]

Time and listen. Resist phrases some people think are helpful like "in a better place" "God's plan." Being present and not saying or doing anything can sometimes be the most comfort.

[mom2scouts]

*Listen if they want to talk about the baby. Just sit with them while they are trying to process feelings.

*Use his name.

*Be aware of trigger dates such as the anniversary of birth and death dates.

*Be aware that they may not be able to handle pregnancy and birth announcements for awhile.  Pregnancy, theirs or others, may never feel safe again and doesn't mean you'll be bringing home a baby.

*Don't try to explain why it happened or make it sound like something good may come of it. While that may someday be true, it may take them a very long time to believe that.

*One of my friends sent me a box with a card, pair of pajamas, and a couple of boxes of tissues. It gave me permission to sit around and be sad for awhile, which was something I needed at the time.

*Send a card. Send another one in a few months when everyone else seems to have forgotten.

*Buy them something with the child's name. Since so few people have a history with the baby, there may be a desire to acknowledge that he really did exist.

[3 ladybugs]

*Listen if they want to talk about the baby. Just sit with them while they are trying to process feelings.

*Use his name.

*Be aware of trigger dates such as the anniversary of birth and death dates.

*Be aware that they may not be able to handle pregnancy and birth announcements for awhile.  Pregnancy, theirs or others, may never feel safe again and doesn't mean you'll be bringing home a baby.

*Don't try to explain why it happened or make it sound like something good may come of it. While that may someday be true, it may take them a very long time to believe that.

*One of my friends sent me a box with a card, pair of pajamas, and a couple of boxes of tissues. It gave me permission to sit around and be sad for awhile, which was something I needed at the time.

*Send a card. Send another one in a few months when everyone else seems to have forgotten.

*Buy them something with the child's name. Since so few people have a history with the baby, there may be a desire to acknowledge that he really did exist.

This!

 

I will say that 1 week isn't long enough for food. I was about a month before I could really function like a human. I lost 3 children with the oldest living 5 months 5 days. They were premature. 

 

Also I am 10 years out from the birth of my children and I don't think I will ever be able to be happy for someone when they are pregnant. Even when I was pregnant, I hated hearing announcements. 

 

I would also expect them to pull away from the church for a while. As a congregation, you can call to make sure they are okay, but hopefully they will return. 

 

Depending on how much you want to spend, you might see if you can get a pot together where they could go on a mini vacation. When my daughter died, my mother came up and the 4 of us (DH and Dad #3) went up to upstate NY. It was unseasonably warm but it was something that took my mind off my grief for just a little while. When I came back, the grief was still there, but it helped to not be reminded of it at every turn for a few days. 

[SproutMamaK]

As others said, there's not too much that can help; it's mostly just time. Aside from that, I agree that a week isn't long enough for meals. A month would be way better, and even then it's hard to get back up to making meals. Aside from that, a gift certificate to a local coffee or dessert place so she can get out and have some time and space away from home if she needs it. A standing invitation to go out with her if she needs someone to talk to. NOT avoiding the topic, but also not pushing it; let her bring it up, and if she wants to talk about it, she will. And oddly, don't try to make her feel better. Nothing will make this better, but having someone who is willing to accept your grief without trying to fix it is nice. Prepare ahead of time for how you'll respond if/when she starts crying. I think the appropriate response will be individual depending on the woman, but if you expect it ahead of time and are prepared to respond well, it'll make sure you don't run in to that awkward "oh crap she's crying what do I do now we both feel awkward" thing. ;)

But really... not much helps. Grief i something that takes time and lots of space to work through. She may push everyone away for a while, and that's okay. It's just what she needs to keep going. Keep offering help, bring meals, but try not to push too hard; when she's ready, she'll open up to those who she feels can be supportive and helpful.

[3 ladybugs]

Can I just say that it is very sad how many of us there are on here. :( Not a club anyone should be a part of. 

[Hilltopmom]

Meals for a longer time.

Cards, even if people tell them in person, getting a card in the mail is really nice. Much, much nicer than a Facebook message.

[MeghansMom]

Excellent ideas here. Emily passed in 2003.

 

One of the things that touched my heart was that a lady from church sent me a memory card a year after her passing.

That an acquaintance would remember and share in my grief...

 

I second all the other posters.

[mamiof5]

Many prayers for this family, and for any in this thread who have gone through this.