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TranquilMind

Living with Boyfriend/Girlfriend in College -your thoughts-would you decline to support?

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If he hasn't proposed after 8 years of being together, he's not interested in making an actual commitment to the relationship. Moving in together is not going to solve the problem of an uncommitted boyfriend.

Why is it him? It could be her. You don't know their situation. It could be she wanted to finish law school first or something.

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Of course people date. I would not encourage my college student to move in with a guy she just met. In that case, the short duration of the relationship would concern me, not the fact that she is moving in with somebody.

But after a certain time of dating, the couple may want to move in together.

 

My sister just moved in with her boyfriend. After 8 years of dating.

 

I mentioned marriage because another poster said she was going to bribe her kid into marrying. I fail to see how this is a good idea.

 

Why?  Why not marry after 8 years?  I don't understand that. 

 

The couple can live together and no one can stop them.  The question is, who pays, while someone else is paying your bills?

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I think you and I are in the same general age range, and I, too, know a lot of folks who lived with at least one person before getting married (including me). I don't think this is as much about age as it is the social circles in which one, well, circulates.

 

Maybe.  One tends to have friends that hold the same general beliefs.   But hey, with extended  relatives, it is a different story. 

 

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I wouldnt be appreciative if the rent money went to the party fund, but mostly in my college son's circle those who are cohabitating arent giving up their own place, just in case the relationship doesnt work out.

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If he hasn't proposed after 8 years of being together, he's not interested in making an actual commitment to the relationship. Moving in together is not going to solve the problem of an uncommitted boyfriend.

 

That would be the message I would hear too.  My husband wanted to marry me in less than a month (of course....who wouldn't?  ha ha). 

 

But people can do what they want. 

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I wouldnt be appreciative if the rent money went to the party fund, but mostly in my college son's circle those who are cohabitating arent giving up their own place, just in case the relationship doesnt work out.

How do they afford to pay to maintain their original place?  Aren't aren't there rules to prevent subletting? 

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My son has been dating his girlfriend for about a year. They both currently live at home and are/will be attending local colleges. They are talking about moving in together next summer.

 

My husband and I have told our son that, if the option for him to live at home and not incur the cost of off-campus housing is available, we will not contribute financially towards keeping him in an apartment. However, we are happy to pay his tuition and basic school expenses. If he and his girlfriend choose to work and pay their own living expenses to share an apartment, I have no problem with them doing so.

 

I would feel the same/take the same approach if he were attending a local college and wanted to move in with same-gender friends or even random roommates. If living at home is a viable option and you choose different living arrangements, you do so on your own dime. And if you are paying for it, then I really don't have much say in the person or people with whom you choose to share that housing.

 

For a student who was attending an out-of-town college and wanted to move off campus and in with friends or a significant other, I might agree to provide an amount equal to what it would cost me for on-campus room and board if I thought the living situation, in general, was safe and healthy.

We agree on these general concepts.  Except for me, living with random friends/acquaintances is not the same as sharing a bed with someone to whom you are not married, so I don't feel the same about them, and feel no compulsion to fund living expenses for the latter.

 

I agree on the second statement, but likely disagree on what constitutes "safe and healthy".

 

 

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If he hasn't proposed after 8 years of being together, he's not interested in making an actual commitment to the relationship. Moving in together is not going to solve the problem of an uncommitted boyfriend.

 

Excuse me???? How dare you call a person who does not wish to get married "uncommitted".

 

My mother's college professor lived for over 40 years in a committed relationship with her partner. They never got married; their reasons are their own business. He cared for her devotedly in sickness and in health, until she died after long illness in her 80s. Many marriages are less caring.

 

My sister has no desire to get married. She is not waiting for a proposal. I consider the idea of the guy proposing utterly antiquated; a couple should be able to have conversations and discussions and decide jointly whether to get married or not. The idea of waiting for a guy to get down on one knee and surprise a woman with the question sounds ridiculous to me.

I myself would have happily continued to live with my boyfriend in a committed relationship, had it not been practical for us to get married for certain legal reasons. We talked about it sitting on my grandmother's sofa and came to the conclusion that getting married is the best course of action. That was the extent of "proposing". After six years, a couple should be expected to be on the same page about their future, without requiring romantic gestures that come as a surprise to one participant.

Edited by regentrude
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How do they afford to pay to maintain their original place? Aren't aren't there rules to prevent subletting?

They just move in with the other, sharing bedroom but not paying rent to the that landlord. Legally, in this state, they dont have to be on the lease if the person they moved in with is on the lease.

 

It worked out great for me...my roommate, in a dorm double, parked her out of season clothes in the room, and that was that, I essentially had a single. Her bf had his own room in his apt, so essentially she just had to share a bathroom with his housemates.

 

My son has a housemate with a cohabitator....cohabitor cleans in return, and uses his rented room as storage space.

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Why?  Why not marry after 8 years?  I don't understand that. 

 

Why marry?

If I cannot be certain my partner is committed and faithful without a piece of paper, why would I believe that the piece of paper suddenly makes him so?

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If it is a mistake then the child will learn from it in their own way. My child holds no obligations to me -- unconditional love. My only obligations after the onset of adulthood is to provide guidance without judgement -- not to issue rules on how the child will now be an adult (unless mutual agreements were reached beforehand).

 

Also, I'm sorry you feel that my parenting style is a judgement of yours. I was unaware that parenting children and adults differently could be construed as judgement. Since I was raised by someone that was controlling and that still judges me as a failure since I am not a mirror of their values and personality, I made a very informed decision to parent very differently.

 

Well, it does appear you may have made some mutual agreements on how money will be used if you have done this.  Do you have college or adult-aged kids? 

 

Generally, parents do have some expectations on what sort of living arrangements they find acceptable.  Those parameters may vary.  Some may say no bad locations, or no drug-using roommates, or no job during the school year, or may have a minimal expectation for grades which they establish up front. 

 

Anything wrong with that? 

 

I didn't say you were judging my parenting.  I don't take everything personally. Besides,you do not know how I parent so you are not qualified to do so. 

 

However, you did state that your parenting has no expectations if you are supporting a college age kid because that kid has reached the arbitrary "adult" age.  I am just examining that.  I bet you do have expectations and you suggest that here in the bolded. 

 

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Why marry?

If I cannot be certain my partner is committed and faithful without a piece of paper, why would I believe that the piece of paper suddenly makes him so?

 

But no one is saying he can't be committed and faithful before marriage.  He had better be!  The paper doesn't make him faithful or committed.  But it does state publicly that he is, and (if religious) that the two have become one in holy matrimony.  That's a big thing, and the failure to do so would certainly make one wonder. 

 

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Immoral? Not committed? I see this is going down the usual "judge everyone that doesn't believe just like me path." And I was accused of being judgemental! Pot, meet kettle.

 

BTW, I'm in my 40s. I would say well over 2/3 of the longterm couples I know lived together or still are. In fact, one couple with two adult children just got married after 22 years because they had to for her to inherit his pension if something happens. 22 years of a very committed relationship. The point of the research is that a 20 year old that gets married is just as likely to get divorced as a 20 year old co-habiting couple is of breaking up. Difference is that the co-habiting couple have it much easier to move on than those that have to break the legal stranglehold of a failed marriage.

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They just move in with the other, sharing bedroom but not paying rent to the that landlord. Legally, in this state, they dont have to be on the lease if the person they moved in with is on the lease.

 

It worked out great for me...my roommate, in a dorm double, parked her out of season clothes in the room, and that was that, I essentially had a single. Her bf had his own room in his apt, so essentially she just had to share a bathroom with his housemates.

 

My son has a housemate with a cohabitator....cohabitor cleans in return, and uses his rented room as storage space.

Wow!

In my Leases, if you bring in an unauthorized person, that is an event of default and I can go straight to eviction.  Maybe college landlords are different, but the ones I know demand full documentation on every party in residence. 

 

That is a very unwise thing to permit for a landlord.  For all you know, one could be moving in a sex offender or felon.  You don't know until you screen.  You can be sued for failing to do due diligence. 

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But no one is saying he can't be committed and faithful before marriage.  He had better be!  The paper doesn't make him faithful or committed.  But it does state publicly that he is, and (if religious) that the two have become one in holy matrimony.  That's a big thing, and the failure to do so would certainly make one wonder. 

 

It may be a big thing to you. It is not to everybody. 

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Excuse me???? How dare you call a person who does not wish to get married "uncommitted".

 

My mother's college professor lived for over 40 years in a committed relationship with her partner. They never got married; their reasons are their own business. He cared for her devotedly in sickness and in health, until she died after long illness in her 80s. Many marriages are less caring.

 

My sister has no desire to get married. She is not waiting for a proposal. I consider the idea of the guy proposing utterly antiquated; a couple should be able to have conversations and discussions and decide jointly whether to get married or not. The idea of waiting for a guy to get down on one knee and surprise a woman with the question sounds ridiculous to me.

I myself would have happily continued to live with my boyfriend in a committed relationship, had it not been practical for us to get married for certain legal reasons. We talked about it sitting on my grandmother's sofa and came to the conclusion that getting married is the best course of action. That was the extent of "proposing". After six years, a couple should be expected to be on the same page about their future, without requiring romantic gestures that come as a surprise to one participant.

 

Not the person to whom you are responding, but who says that a proposal is a surprise? 

 

Mine sure wasn't. 

 

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Wow!

In my Leases, if you bring in an unauthorized person, that is an event of default and I can go straight to eviction.  Maybe college landlords are different, but the ones I know demand full documentation on every party in residence. 

 

That is a very unwise thing to permit for a landlord.  For all you know, one could be moving in a sex offender or felon.  You don't know until you screen.  You can be sued for failing to do due diligence. 

 

Curious: so if your tenant marries during a valid lease, can you terminate the lease if the spouse has undesired qualities?

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It may be a big thing to you. It is not to everybody. 

 

I guess not.  For me, I like being "one" for legal purposes.   Everything is easier.  But people can do what they want, and I hope they create the documents required, such as a Health Care Power of Attorney, a General Power of Attorney, and anything else that might be necessary that is taken for granted if you marry. 

 

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Not the person to whom you are responding, but who says that a proposal is a surprise? 

 

Mine sure wasn't. 

 

If it is not a surprise, then what is the point of the guy "proposing"? If they agree mutually that they should get married, it would be a purely rhetorical question (and an unnecessary romantic gesture which some women might find appealing; I don't). 

 

I hear that sometimes proposals are declined. Which leads me to believe that some couples do not have a conversation and the proposal came as a surprise.

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Curious: so if your tenant marries during a valid lease, can you terminate the lease if the spouse has undesired qualities?

 

Well, we are talking about living together, not marriage.

But if one marries, then I need the paperwork to add the tenant.  I've never received paperwork from an undesirable husband or wife, but I sure have from various live-in relationships.

 

If they marry, and the new one happened to be a sex offender or a felon, I would terminate as quickly as possible.  If they do not marry, they are less likely to tell me that a new person is there, but if this happens, I would require complete documentation and run a background check as soon as I do find out. 

 

You can't move unauthorized persons (or pets!) into my premises, period.

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Wow!

In my Leases, if you bring in an unauthorized person, that is an event of default and I can go straight to eviction. Maybe college landlords are different, but the ones I know demand full documentation on every party in residence.

 

That is a very unwise thing to permit for a landlord. For all you know, one could be moving in a sex offender or felon. You don't know until you screen. You can be sued for failing to do due diligence.

State law here is that people can live there without being on the lease. Theoretically, each housemate on the lease can move in his immediate family, or marry and bring in the other partner's children. The limiting factor legally would be the amount of space vs number of people.

 

A roommate not paying rent has legal rights regarding eviction. I have a family member that found this out the hard way. Original renter was on lease, died, live-in stayed without lease, then died and relative asked to live there for the rest of month while taking care of legalities around death..three years later, no lease, no rent money, just squatting.

 

Best to learn the law before renting.

Edited by Heigh Ho

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State law is that people can live there without being on the lease. Theoretically, each housemate on the lease can move in his immediate family, or marry and bring in the other partner's children. The limiting factor legally would be the amount of space vs number of people.

 

A roommate not paying rent has legal rights regarding eviction.

 

Best to learn the law before renting.

 

I know the law for my area.    I have been  a landlord for decades.   Perhaps your state law varies.

 

What state?  I know of nowhere that a tenant can simply move anyone in at will without notification and approval of the landlord.  Heck no, you can't just move your immediate family in.  The Lease is limited to the named individuals (plus any children, adopted or natural of the couple).  You may have individual landlords with very loose leases, but this isn't a standard position, nor a wise one.   Yes, of course one who is already in must be evicted through the proper channels. You can no longer self-evict, though you could in Texas for the longest time.  Probably no longer. 

 

One's children are excluded, so long as said children are under adult age, of course.   I would like to see your state Landlord-tenant law.  Perhaps you are in another country?

 

Edited by TranquilMind

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Nope, I am in Ny. Google is your friend. I learned because ds was having trouble parking. Came to find out the neighbors each had people not on the lease in their apts...so 4 person apts were really 8...and nothing the landlord could do about it. Landlord is no longer renting to college students, but since he told us he would rent to us until ds graduated, he is honoring his words.

Edited by Heigh Ho

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Ds is an adult.  He is not dating, but when he does, those will be his decisions.  I'm happy to offer my thoughts if he wants them, like thinking through the questions of breaking a lease on a breakup, but I am not going to micromanage his love life.  

 

Right now we can swing the dorm cost, so we are doing so and will likely do that all four years.  I doubt we can pay more for an apartment, but he could have our contribution to put to his rent, and that is true for any roommate (rather he is sleeping with them or not.)

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Well, putting aside all the typical comments concerning someone who must not be really committed after years of living together, opinions on how it affects divorce, holy matrimony, ( aren't we all sick and tired of the ' who is real' crap??)--- I think I'd have no problem with my adult child cohabitating with their partner during college. I would want him to have a thought out plan on leases, shared expenses, what about a break-up, etc. My son's girlfriend had a dorm room to herself and my son moved in with her, but a big part of that was because my son's room mate smelled horrible and preferred to have loud sex with his gal every night and many mornings and afternoons. He has an R&B scholarship, so the money was not my concern.

Edited by Dotwithaperiod
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Nope, I am in Ny. Google is your friend. I learned because ds was having trouble parking. Came to find out the neighbors each had people not on the lease in their apts...so 4 person apts were really 8...and nothing the landlord could do about it. Landlord is no longer renting to college students, but since he told us he would rent to us until ds graduated, he is honoring his words.

So you make assertions and won't support them yourself.   Ok, I will do the work. 

 

Yes, surprisingly,  it does appear that so long as at least one named tenant remains in residence, he can move ONE other person and that person's children (??) in (along with his immediate family, which includes extended family!), and the landlord cannot prevent it.  But the landlord must be notified.  It appears that this might be limited to rent-stabilized places, but still checking on that. 

 

It's insane that a landlord in New York cannot screen people living in the apartment who come in after the original named tenants but it does appear to be the case.  So a guy gets out of prison, and he heads straight to Aunt Sally's New York apartment.  No one can do anything, no matter how dangerous he may be.  That's insane.  

 

I'm not sure what would keep this situation controllable except for the very high cost of living.  Perhaps because the responsible people who pass the screening remain on the hook, they have an interest in making sure irresponsible people don't get in. 

 

Awful. That is decidedly not the law in my state.  Landlords have control of who lives in their premises here, as it must be, since they also incur potential liability.    I can see why your landlord doesn't want college tenants, who tend to be short term and move a lot of people in. 

 

Wow.  Learned something new today. Never own rental property in New York. 

 

 

 

 

 
Edited by TranquilMind

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Ds is an adult.  He is not dating, but when he does, those will be his decisions.  I'm happy to offer my thoughts if he wants them, like thinking through the questions of breaking a lease on a breakup, but I am not going to micromanage his love life.  

 

Right now we can swing the dorm cost, so we are doing so and will likely do that all four years.  I doubt we can pay more for an apartment, but he could have our contribution to put to his rent, and that is true for any roommate (rather he is sleeping with them or not.)

 

Not sure how old he is, but you are saying he is an adult even if you fully financially support him and you would have no input on his living situation? 

 

That's what about half the people say.  Interesting how we view this. 

 

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Some moms agreed, some disagreed vehemently.  Thoughts ranged from "As long as she makes grades, it is no one's business" to "Heck no - we don't pay for you to get l**d" and everywhere in between.   No dorm rooms available in that case, as all of those have been claimed for upcoming year, just for discussion purposes.

 

I just have to shake my head at any folks who actually think that not living together = no sex. If the couple is at the point of considering living together, the parents are almost certainly *already* "paying for her to get laid" in terms of providing a living space, wherever she is.

 

I think the objection sometimes is more "I don't want people to *know* you are having sex because it will reflect badly on me in my social circle." That was my father's objection to my living with my husband before marriage, though I was 30, and had long been self-supporting, so it was a different situation. In his case, he tried threatening public shaming and to withhold any financial, physical, or emotional support toward our wedding unless I moved out immediately. Didn't work and we're at 22 years in.

Edited by KarenNC
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My friend lived with her boyfriend through her last year of college, his grade school and the next 20 years. Then they got married. Age was the one who put off actually getting married. They've been married over 10 years. If they get divorced it won't be because they lived together 20 years. Additionally, living together 20 years didn't mean they'd never get married.

 

It all has to do with the maturity in the approachto the relationship. A twenty year old can be mature enough for such a relationship. But not every twenty year old. Likewise, there are thirty five year olds who shouldn't have live in relationships

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Well, your personal experience is outside the norm, I would contend.  But glad it worked out for you! 

 

Was that a compromise for your parents?  Or were they willing to support you, living with boyfriend or not?

They would have paid my tuition no matter what. I was welcome to live at their house & did for several years while attending university before moving out & into student family housing with the dude. 

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I just have to shake my head at any folks who actually think that not living together = no sex. If the couple is at the point of considering living together, the parents are almost certainly *already* "paying for her to get laid" in terms of providing a living space, wherever she is.

 

I think the objection sometimes is more "I don't want people to *know* you are having sex because it will reflect badly on me in my social circle." That was my father's objection to my living with my husband before marriage, though I was 30, and had long been self-supporting. In his case, he tried threatening to withhold any financial, physical, or emotional support toward our wedding unless I moved out immediately. Didn't work.

 

Really?  Did your dad only care about what people thought of him, and not have any moral conviction about it? And you were 30.  Even if he didn't like it, it isn't the same as being a teen or 20, and you were self-supporting.

 

I do know people who do think living together without marriage is morally wrong, and therefore do not wish to support something that is morally wrong. 

 

I think that's fair.   I guess the issue is who has the power to make the decision here, and what happens in the case of two opposing views.  Does the kid get what he wants, and his parents must support a morally wrong behavior (in their perspective) since he is going to do it anyway, or do the parents have final say, since it is their money.    I don't think there is any issue regarding paying tuition.  It seems almost everyone agrees they will pay tuition regardless, from what I am seeing. 

Edited by TranquilMind

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My friend lived with her boyfriend through her last year of college, his grade school and the next 20 years. Then they got married. Age was the one who put off actually getting married. They've been married over 10 years. If they get divorced it won't be because they lived together 20 years. Additionally, living together 20 years didn't mean they'd never get married.

 

It all has to do with the maturity in the approachto the relationship. A twenty year old can be mature enough for such a relationship. But not every twenty year old. Likewise, there are thirty five year olds who shouldn't have live in relationships

I think it is a very rare 20 year old who is ready for that kind of thing, don't you?

 

But you are right that some 35 year olds aren't even ready. 

 

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It seems that the question of whether or not to pay for school or housing costs is an attempt at manipulation.  One is free to assist one's children in paying for education or living expenses, on not.  But it shouldn't be based on said adult child making life choices based on parent's beliefs.  

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OP, you seem to start a lot of threads about how or whether to control adult children. That's one way to approach our kids' transition to adulthood, but for this particular issue I have an easier way:

 

My children may live at home, with free room and board, while they are in college or apprenticeships. That's all I can afford to offer them; we have no college money, or funds for living expenses away from home. (We can't afford to support significant others or roommates, either, in our little finished garage apartment. This offer is only extended to actual children of ours.)

 

So if they need or want to move away for school or careers, or if they would like to live with someone other than their parents and siblings, it'll have to be on their own dime because we have no dimes!

 

And if they are adults and it's their dime, they'll do what they want. They know my beliefs and opinions; due to homeschooling I had plenty of time to rub off on them as much as I possibly could. There comes a point where I need to trust them to be the good people that I worked so hard to raise. And if I don't agree with everything they are doing, I need to understand that I am no longer in control and I need to stop trying to parent adults. I'll have to appeal to them on a different level, hopefully with mutual respect.

 

Honestly, sometimes it really bothers me how much my children are going to have to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps in an economy that doesn't seem suited for that. OTOH, sometimes I'm very grateful that I don't even have the option of being tempted to control them with apron strings or purse strings. They are expected to grow up and make their own way, as full-fledged adults, as soon as they are able to support themselves.

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If he hasn't proposed after 8 years of being together, he's not interested in making an actual commitment to the relationship. Moving in together is not going to solve the problem of an uncommitted boyfriend.

 

This made me LOL. I know two co-habitation situations. In both cases it's the males would like to get married but the females who are resistant. To assume it's the male who doesn't want to commit seems naively quaint. Or something.

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It seems that the question of whether or not to pay for school or housing costs is an attempt at manipulation.  One is free to assist one's children in paying for education or living expenses, on not.  But it shouldn't be based on said adult child making life choices based on parent's beliefs.  

 

yes, exactly.  I was just thinking that this really boils down to how much control should a parent try to exert over an adult child. 

 

if you as a parent think a post secondary education is a worthwhile investment and you're in a position to offer it to your adult child, IMO the only possible string is decent grades &/or evidence of effort. 

 

Trying to control their clothes, diet, friends, relationships, sexual activities is IMO no longer appropriate. They're adults. They know what you think. You've raised them. You should be bowing out & letting them make decisions.... 

 

The housing is an interesting question & seems to depend on whether you think that the 'out of town/living in residence' experience is desirable/normal. If you were willing to pay for the residence fees, but the child comes up with another plan, I think it's reasonable for the parents to contribute the same amount that they were going to contribute to residence/meal plans & let the student make their living arrangements.

 

 Since I live in a city with more than one world class university within driving distance, plus a bunch of colleges & polytechnics, I'm more inclined to say "you can live here as long as you want" but if they want to move, I'd expect them to cough up the $ for it because it's not really necessary here. 

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If he hasn't proposed after 8 years of being together, he's not interested in making an actual commitment to the relationship. Moving in together is not going to solve the problem of an uncommitted boyfriend.

How do you know the sister wants to get married?

 

I've been with my 'boyfriend' for 7 years, cohabitating for the last 3 years. I do not need a formal ritual or a legal contract to know that I am in a loving, committed relationship. (At this point I prefer the term partner than boyfriend, but when I say that people mistake me for a lesbian.) We've talked about it, and neither of us feels it's necessary. If we were to have children, or if one of us becomes seriously ill, we might change our minds due to legal reasons.

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The only thing I warn my kids about is that in Canada, you actually do become common law married after a period of living together. How long it takes depends on which province you're in. This could potentially have financial implications in terms of dividing community property, assets & debts in the case of a break up. 

 

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Why? Why not marry after 8 years? I don't understand that.

 

The couple can live together and no one can stop them. The question is, who pays, while someone else is paying your bills?

My daughter and her S/O moved in together Junior year (with two other roommates) and are still living together and committed after 6 years. In their case, she doesn't want to blow money on or be responsible for a large wedding. She wants to drop the money on a trip somewhere fabulous and elope. He doesn't care either way but he comes from a large Mexican family who is expecting a large wedding. Now, they are well aware it's ultimately their decision but neither wants to alienate hia grandparents and parents as their first married act, lol. They already jointly own a house, share a bank account and don't want children for at least 5 more years so the decision isn't pressing on them.

 

To answer the original question, I'd rather they not play house so early in the relationship, but if she insisted I wouldn't die on that hill. Maybe insist that each have their own room and space/privacy to make it a little more like roommates.

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Why is it him? It could be her. You don't know their situation. It could be she wanted to finish law school first or something.

 

What does attending grad school have to do with getting married? Plenty of married folks attend grad school.

 

You are correct that she could be the one dragging her feet on marrying, but it's been my observation that >90% of the time it is the girlfriend who very much wants to marry and the boyfriend who wants to keep his options open.

 

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Why marry?

If I cannot be certain my partner is committed and faithful without a piece of paper, why would I believe that the piece of paper suddenly makes him so?

 

Marriage offers legal protections that cohabitation doesn't. That was the reason that gay and lesbian couples fought so hard to gain civil recognition of their unions.

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Why is it him? It could be her. You don't know their situation. It could be she wanted to finish law school first or something.

 

 

What does attending grad school have to do with getting married? Plenty of married folks attend grad school.

 

 

 

I do actually think it's better for people to get education well finished & internships, articling, residencies, first positions well under way before marriage. 

 

Romantic me say "oh they'll work it all out" but pragmatic me says "it might be better to separate and establish our careers rather than compromise (about living in a certain city or even country)"   

 

 

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Marriage offers legal protections that cohabitation doesn't. That was the reason that gay and lesbian couples fought so hard to gain civil recognition of their unions.

 

That must be regional?  Because in many places, common law marriages have the same protections (and once same sex marriages were recognized, they too can be common law) 

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The housing is an interesting question & seems to depend on whether you think that the 'out of town/living in residence' experience is desirable/normal. If you were willing to pay for the residence fees, but the child comes up with another plan, I think it's reasonable for the parents to contribute the same amount that they were going to contribute to residence/meal plans & let the student make their living arrangements.

 

If my kid is h-e-double-hockey sticks bent on making a bad life decision, I'm certainly not going to facilitate them doing it by providing a financial subsidy for it. My money is intended to subsidize dorm living, not shacking up with some boyfriend/girlfriend. The kid wants to do that, he/she will need to figure out a way to pay for it himself/herself. The child has forfeited that money by virtue of deciding against its intended purpose.

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Marriage offers legal protections that cohabitation doesn't. That was the reason that gay and lesbian couples fought so hard to gain civil recognition of their unions.

This is true but isn't often on the minds of twenty-somethings. I think that's why you'll see more and more committed couples delaying marriage until it seems beneficial enough to go through the inconvenience of the ritual. They just aren't seeing that it's worth it yet. I'll bet the vast maturity end up marrying in their 30s or 40s as their mortality begins to stalk them.

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I do actually think it's better for people to get education well finished & internships, articling, residencies, first positions well under way before marriage. 

 

Romantic me say "oh they'll work it all out" but pragmatic me says "it might be better to separate and establish our careers rather than compromise (about living in a certain city or even country)"  

 

Compromise is key to a successful relationship. Both spouses need to put "us" ahead of "me, me, me". I know this is not what our modern society tells people, but it's what my Christian faith teaches.

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That must be regional? Because in many places, common law marriages have the same protections (and once same sex marriages were recognized, they too can be common law)

Common law marriage is only recognized in nine states here

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Compromise is key to a successful relationship. Both spouses need to put "us" ahead of "me, me, me". I know this is not what our modern society tells people, but it's what my Christian faith teaches.

"us" was a lot easier to put first when it really meant "him"

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I think the real question is:   Would you feel okay about your adult child living in a way that goes against your morals if you are supporting them financially?  

 

As far as the specific example, I think it would depend on a variety of things.  If he/she were living promiscuously or just shacking up with someone as temporary lovers, then I would not be okay with that.

 

My views have changed a bit on living together though.  I'm a Christian and I do believe that marriage is sacred and wonderful, but if the couple is committed and views their relationship as long-term and acts accordingly, who's to say that an actual marriage certificate should be the one thing that suddenly makes everything okay.  So, I guess it would depend on their relationship and how they view it.

 

If it's kind of a border-line thing (maybe it'll work, maybe it won't, we're testing it out), I'd have to give it some considerable thought before making a judgment.  Again, it depends on circumstances.  If taking away my financial support for them would cause their lives to spiral into a bad pattern of things going wrong and hardships, I would want to be very cautious.  You've got to look at the whole picture.

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I think the real question is: Would you feel okay about your adult child living in a way that goes against your morals if you are supporting them financially?

 

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I don't know that the discomfort is limited to questions of morality. Maybe I think the guy is bad news or the girl has an untreated mental illness or maybe they've only been dating for a month or two.

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