Living with Boyfriend/Girlfriend in College -your thoughts-would you decline to support?

[TranquilMind]

Thanks for your comments.  They were appreciated.

Edited September 13, 2016 by TranquilMind

[hornblower]

I'd have no prob with a child living with a s/o in college. 

I did it. My parents paid for university tuition but I paid for my housing costs.  

 

btw, it worked well for us. We lived together in college & after;  25th anniversary is coming up next month :) 

[TranquilMind]

I'd have no prob with a child living with a s/o in college. 

 

I did it. My parents paid for university tuition but I paid for my housing costs.  

 

btw, it worked well for us. We lived together in college & after;  25th anniversary is coming up next month :)

 

Well, your personal experience is outside the norm, I would contend.  But glad it worked out for you! 

 

Was that a compromise for your parents?  Or were they willing to support you, living with boyfriend or not?

Edited August 6, 2016 by TranquilMind

[Eliz]

As a Christian who believes this would be sinful, I don't think I could provide financial support for living expenses.  I'm less sure how I could handle financial help for tuition and books.  Thankfully, I haven't had to face this situation and hope I won't.  It's so easy to say what I would do since I'm not in the situation.

 

ETA My 18 yo DD is living at home and attending a local college.

Edited August 6, 2016 by Eliz

[Crimson Wife]

I wouldn't fund housing costs unless the couple were formally engaged with a wedding date set (not thrilled with pre-marital cohabitation even for an engaged couple but wouldn't make it a hill to die on). I would continue to fund tuition, books, and other education-related costs to the extent I were able.

 

It's likely to be a moot point for financial reasons unless my daughter got very generous financial aid. We're probably not going to even be able to cover full tuition much less room & board/housing.

[TranquilMind]

I wouldn't fund housing costs unless the couple were formally engaged with a wedding date set (not thrilled with pre-marital cohabitation even for an engaged couple but wouldn't make it a hill to die on). I would continue to fund tuition, books, and other education-related costs to the extent I were able.

 

It's likely to be a moot point for financial reasons unless my daughter got very generous financial aid. We're probably not going to even be able to cover full tuition much less room & board/housing.

I kind of come down here too, about funding education-related costs.  But living costs money, and when kid can't cut it, mom and dad are going to get hit up to pay the difference. 

 

This child is in college a fair distance from home, so living at home is not an option.  I forgot to mention that, so glad you brought it up. 

[OneStepAtATime]

Not sure how these would affect things for me as I am not in this situation yet but I am curious.  Are the parents paying for room and board?  Or just tuition and books?  Or...?  Would the apartment be in both names or only the boyfriend or only the daughter?  How long have they been in the relationship?  How well did she do maintaining grades as a freshman?

[TranquilMind]

As a Christian who believes this would be sinful, I don't think I could provide financial support for living expenses.  I'm less sure how I could handle financial help for tuition and books.  Thankfully, I haven't had to face this situation and hope I won't.  It's so easy to say what I would do since I'm not in the situation.

 

ETA My 18 yo DD is living at home and attending a local college.

 

We all hope we won't face it.  I know I do.  But unfortunately, this is an ever-growing segment of society who do not hold these values.

 

(Strike the word "Christian", and insert "Anti-cohabitation" values, as some parents think this is a bad idea for many more reasons than just religious).

 

Edited August 6, 2016 by TranquilMind

[TranquilMind]

Not sure how these would affect things for me as I am not in this situation yet but I am curious.  Are the parents paying for room and board?  Or just tuition and books?  Or...?  Would the apartment be in both names or only the boyfriend or only the daughter?  How long have they been in the relationship?  How well did she do maintaining grades as a freshman?

 

Parents are paying all her costs and the relationship is a few months old. 

 

Do you think grades are relevant to living together?  I am not sure I see the connection. 

 

 Not sure about how apartment split, but most young people need to have co-signers, don't they?   I know as a landlord for many years, I won't even take people who need co-signers.  They have to be making sufficient money on their own (some states disallow source of income being a factor, but mine does not). 

 

[OneStepAtATime]

Parents are paying all her costs and the relationship is a few months old. 

 

Do you think grades are relevant to living together?  I am not sure I see the connection. 

 

 Not sure about how apartment split, but most young people need to have co-signers, don't they?   I know as a landlord for many years, I won't even take people who need co-signers.  They have to be making sufficient money on their own (some states disallow source of income being a factor, but mine does not). 

 

The grades thing was just to see if she is handling college well in general.  I guess I was asking because I had a friend in college who was not handling the college environment well.  She latched onto a boyfriend who seemed helpful at first.  He tutored her and encouraged her, but eventually talked her into moving off campus with him, started getting her to ditch classes to go do things with him and finally she flunked out and he dumped her for someone else.

 

As for co-signers, when I was in college there were quite a few of us that moved off campus eventually.  There were old houses nearby and the rooms were available for rent.  I don't know if they had to get their parents to co-sign or not.   It was never mentioned.  For some places I kind of doubt it.  Regular apartment complexes, though, I would think would have that requirement.

Edited August 6, 2016 by OneStepAtATime

[Jenny in Florida]

My son has been dating his girlfriend for about a year. They both currently live at home and are/will be attending local colleges. They are talking about moving in together next summer.

 

My husband and I have told our son that, if the option for him to live at home and not incur the cost of off-campus housing is available, we will not contribute financially towards keeping him in an apartment. However, we are happy to pay his tuition and basic school expenses. If he and his girlfriend choose to work and pay their own living expenses to share an apartment, I have no problem with them doing so.

 

I would feel the same/take the same approach if he were attending a local college and wanted to move in with same-gender friends or even random roommates. If living at home is a viable option and you choose different living arrangements, you do so on your own dime. And if you are paying for it, then I really don't have much say in the person or people with whom you choose to share that housing.

 

For a student who was attending an out-of-town college and wanted to move off campus and in with friends or a significant other, I might agree to provide an amount equal to what it would cost me for on-campus room and board if I thought the living situation, in general, was safe and healthy.

Edited August 6, 2016 by Jenny in Florida

[Joshin]

I lived with my DH before marriage. In fact, I personally wouldn't marry someone unless I had lived with them. I also fall into the camp where marriage is in the heart and the legal paper is for tax purposes. I have other values that more than make up for my "failing" here, though :huh: Generally, an adult is an adult is an adult. If, as a family agreements, were made to pay for college, then I would hold up my end of the agreement to the child. If I was opposed to the arrangement for some reason, then I wouldn't cover living expenses (unless previously agreed upon with a no SO roommates clause). At most, I wouldn't be paying for the SO's share, just like I wouldn't pay any other roommates share. But then, our parenting style is much more about letting our kids grow into being their own people, as opposed to punishing them when they don't mirror everything that we believe in or value.

[TranquilMind]

The grades thing was just to see if she is handling college well in general.  I guess I was asking because I had a friend in college who was not handling the college environment well.  She latched onto a boyfriend who seemed helpful at first.  He tutored her and encouraged her, but eventually talked her into moving off campus with him, started getting her to ditch classes to go do things with him and finally she flunked out and he dumped her for someone else.

 

As for co-signers, when I was in college there were quite a few of us that moved off campus eventually.  There were old houses nearby and the rooms were available for rent.  I don't know if they had to get their parents to co-sign or not.   It was never mentioned.  For some places I kind of doubt it.  Regular apartment complexes, though, I would think would have that requirement.

 

I guess I meant that if a parent thinks living together is wrong, then grades will be irrelevant.  I suppose other than that, it might be a factor, in that child might be doing worse if living with someone.  Or better, since the child isn't spending so much time traveling to the boyfriend or girlfriend's house. 

 

I don't know.  I guess for me, it is irrelevant.  But of course any young person doing great in school would argue that living with someone wouldn't change that.  And argue that not living together would diminish those grades.

 

[gingersmom]

We all hope we won't face it. I know I do. But unfortunately, this is an ever-growing segment of society who do not hold Christian values.

 

Which makes sense because not everyone is Christian.

[Joshin]

Well, your personal experience is outside the norm, I would contend.  But glad it worked out for you! 

 

Was that a compromise for your parents?  Or were they willing to support you, living with boyfriend or not?

 

Actually, research has come out in the last couple of years that actually backs up that living together is not a precursor for divorce. That argument just doesn't fly anymore.

[Jenny in Florida]

Which makes sense because not everyone is Christian.

 

And even those who are don't all hold to the same "Christian" values.

[JoJosMom]

Well, this is timely.  Just had a huge discussion about that recently here.

 

Anyway, college-aged daughter of mom in local mom group is now insisting on living with boyfriend, saying it is none of her parents' business, because only her grades are their business. She is a rising sophomore. 

 

Your thoughts, other College parents?  Personally, until you are self-supporting, your living arrangements are indeed your parents' business, in my view.  You don't get to do what you want and hold out your hand, if your parent disapproves. 

 

Some moms agreed, some disagreed vehemently.  Thoughts ranged from "As long as she makes grades, it is no one's business" to "Heck no - we don't pay for you to get l**d" and everywhere in between.   No dorm rooms available in that case, as all of those have been claimed for upcoming year, just for discussion purposes. 

 

What do you think?    Would you pay for your kid to live with a boyfriend or girlfriend in college?  Would you decline?  Why?

 

 

:iagree: So long as I'm paying the freight, you live by my rules, sister.

 

Does the adult child have the right to make her own choices?  Absolutely.  And if she were my child, I would continue to love, emotionally support, and in all other ways continue my relationship with the child.  I would not, however, continue the financial support.  IMO, the child has now elected to make her full entry into the adult world.  Which is inevitable and perfectly okay.  It is not, however, without consequence.

 

I'm a big meanie that way.

 

[lisabees]

Which makes sense because not everyone is Christian.

 

Agree.  

Edited August 6, 2016 by lisabees

[TranquilMind]

I lived with my DH before marriage. In fact, I personally wouldn't marry someone unless I had lived with them. I also fall into the camp where marriage is in the heart and the legal paper is for tax purposes. I have other values that more than make up for my "failing" here, though :huh: Generally, an adult is an adult is an adult. If, as a family agreements, were made to pay for college, then I would hold up my end of the agreement to the child. If I was opposed to the arrangement for some reason, then I wouldn't cover living expenses (unless previously agreed upon with a no SO roommates clause). At most, I wouldn't be paying for the SO's share, just like I wouldn't pay any other roommates share. But then, our parenting style is much more about letting our kids grow into being their own people, as opposed to punishing them when they don't mirror everything that we believe in or value.

Ok, that sounds pretty judgmental and dismissive. 

But it sounds as if at the core, you will agree to cover college costs (class costs?) regardless of decisions your child makes, no matter how good or bad, damaging or productive.   I actually agree with that.

 Maybe.  I can imagine exceptions, such as substance abuse, physical abuse, and maybe a few others.   

 

But I also feel that no relationship is to be all benefit to the recipient without corresponding obligation.   I mean, think about it.  Your spouse, your boss, your customers, your parents, your contractors - I can't think of anyone who does not have a corresponding obligation to you in exchange for your obligation.  It isn't merely to complete the thing contracted, no matter what other damage you do.  The person still has to use good judgment, not damage or intentionally hurt you, your reputation, your home, your property, your finances. 

 

In the case of a child, you have a greater obligation that you do not have in the other cases (except maybe spouse, upon occasion I can imagine) to try to protect him against poor judgments.  The brain isn't fully formed until the mid-twenties, and you still have responsibilities.  

 

Edited August 6, 2016 by TranquilMind

[TranquilMind]

:iagree: So long as I'm paying the freight, you live by my rules, sister.

 

Does the adult child have the right to make her own choices?  Absolutely.  And if she were my child, I would continue to love, emotionally support, and in all other ways continue my relationship with the child.  I would not, however, continue the financial support.  IMO, the child has now elected to make her full entry into the adult world.  Which is inevitable and perfectly okay.  It is not, however, without consequence.

 

I'm a big meanie that way.

 

 

I agree.  But the kid will not like it and will threaten and cajole and say you don't understand and must not want her to go to school and all that and maybe even threaten the relationship.  You've seen how so many young people are quick to cut off their parents today.  Remember that one who sued her parents for her private school payment and made a bunch of demands?  The judge straightened her out really quick, but I still felt sorry for the parents to have to go through all of that.  I always think of things like this.  

 

You know how it is.  We've all been teens at one time or another and look back and wonder what the heck we were thinking (different topics than this, perhaps). 

 

Edited August 6, 2016 by TranquilMind

[TranquilMind]

And even those who are don't all hold to the same "Christian" values.

 

Ok.  Well then, some parents of any persuasion are against cohabiting.  These seem to be largely Christian, but I'm sure there are exceptions.  So let's examine that. 

 

What if you disapprove of a college student living with someone while still so very young (say teens, early 20's, and still fully financially dependent), leaving the Christian label out of it?

 

What do you do?

[Joshin]

If it is a mistake then the child will learn from it in their own way. My child holds no obligations to me -- unconditional love. My only obligations after the onset of adulthood is to provide guidance without judgement -- not to issue rules on how the child will now be an adult (unless mutual agreements were reached beforehand).

 

Also, I'm sorry you feel that my parenting style is a judgement of yours. I was unaware that parenting children and adults differently could be construed as judgement. Since I was raised by someone that was controlling and that still judges me as a failure since I am not a mirror of their values and personality, I made a very informed decision to parent very differently.

 

[Joshin]

removed, double post :)

 

Edited August 6, 2016 by Joshin

[regentrude]

I pay for my kid's education (and housing) and their end of the bargain is getting that education, i.e. maintaining good grades. How they live their lives is not mine to dictate. 

What living arrangements they choose only concern me as far as whether it is financially feasible and in a safe neighborhood - whether they choose to live with room mates or with a boyfriend or with a girlfriend is their choice alone. Just because a young adult is not financially independent does not mean I get to dictate their life choices.

I find the OP's argument quite dangerous, if taken to the extreme: some people may never be self sufficient because of disabilities, and may have to rely on parental financial support throughout their lives. Do you consider it appropriate that the parents of such young people control their life choices and sexuality? Until what age?

 

 

Edited August 6, 2016 by regentrude

[Crimson Wife]

Actually, research has come out in the last couple of years that actually backs up that living together is not a precursor for divorce. That argument just doesn't fly anymore.

 

There is a lot of research showing negative effects of non-marital cohabitation. Adults are free to do what they want, but parents of adults are under no obligation to financially subsidize bad life decisions on the part of that adult offspring.

[TranquilMind]

Actually, research has come out in the last couple of years that actually backs up that living together is not a precursor for divorce. That argument just doesn't fly anymore.

 

I saw that study.  It actually does speak to this situation, as college age is very young.  Sure, if you add all the 40 year olds living together in here who may never marry or marry after many years together, you get a different result. 

 

But we are talking about teens and early 20's:

 

 

 

“The problem is that the couples are settling down at an earlier age, and settling down too young is what leads to divorce,†she told The Huffington Post.  (Can't quote study itself here, as I don't have an account - so this is from Huffpo)

[regentrude]

Well, your personal experience is outside the norm, I would contend.  But glad it worked out for you! 

 

Was that a compromise for your parents?  Or were they willing to support you, living with boyfriend or not?

 

I do not think this is so outside the norm. I know many college students who live with their s/o.

I moved in with my boyfriend when I was in college. We will be together for 30 years next February, married for 23. My parents did not have any problems, they liked him. 

 

ETA: the majority of my friends lived together with their s/o before marrying. Some married after decades, some never. Committed couples can be faithful to one another without a formal piece of paper.

Edited August 6, 2016 by regentrude

[TranquilMind]

There is a lot of research showing negative effects of non-marital cohabitation. Adults are free to do what they want, but parents of adults are under no obligation to financially subsidize bad life decisions on the part of that adult offspring.

 

I agree with this.  But the young adult who is totally dependent imagines him/herself to be an adult just because of having reached an arbitrary age. 

 

So they do not understand. 

 

(Bunny Trail:  Why the heck is "Adult" characterized so many ways in this society?  You are an "Adult" at age 7 at the pediatric dentist if you have an "adult-sized mouth" (yep, guess who paid adult rates?), you are an "adult" at 18 for contract purposes,  You are an "adult" at 21 for drinking purposes.  You are an "Adult" at a whopping 26 for FAFSA purposes...what???)  Ok, digression over. 

 

What does a parent do?  Parents I have seen are pretty split down the middle. 

 

Edited August 6, 2016 by TranquilMind

[justasque]

We all hope we won't face it.  I know I do.  But unfortunately, this is an ever-growing segment of society who do not hold Christian values. 

 

 

I'd be careful not to throw the baby out with the bathwater here.  "...do not hold the Christian value of chastity before marriage", for example, rather than Christian values in general.  There is a lot more to Christianity than not shacking up with your boyfriend.  

 

[Jenny in Florida]

Ok.  Well then, some parents of any persuasion are against cohabiting.  These seem to be largely Christian, but I'm sure there are exceptions.  So let's examine that. 

 

What if you disapprove of a college student living with someone while still so very young (say teens, early 20's, and still fully financially dependent), leaving the Christian label out of it?

 

What do you do?

 

"Fully financially dependent?" Meaning the young adult in question wants to do what he or she wants and have someone else pay for it?

 

Then, if I disapprove, for whatever reason, I don't pay the bills. That has nothing to do with "cohabitating."

 

If my teenager wanted to go to a concert in an area of town I knew to be unsafe, I wouldn't buy him or her a ticket. If that teenager were 18 and a legal adult and working and able to purchase the ticket out of his or her own funds, I would express my concern, but would have no other legitimate recourse.

 

Adults get to make their own life decisions, even when others think those decisions are not good ones.

 

If I have made a commitment to fund my offspring's college education, I don't think it's appropriate for me to withdraw support because that young adult makes some life decisions unrelated to education of which I do not approve.

Edited August 6, 2016 by Jenny in Florida

[ikslo]

I had a parent funded off-campus house shared with two others my senior year. They pretty much had it to themselves, since I lived at my boyfriend's house. Parents could have saved themselves some money if it weren't for the my money, my way thing. Which is why I never even suggested it to them. Just got the house I was never going to be at. I contributed as I had a full-time job and some scholarship money, though, and I also graduated in three years with high grades/ honors - despite living with the boyfriend. I didn't marry him, but we dated for over 3 years. I did officially move in with him after college.

[Crimson Wife]

   some people may never be self sufficient because of disabilities, and may have to rely on parental financial support throughout their lives. Do you consider it appropriate that the parents of such young people control their life choices and sexuality? Until what age?

 

My child with special needs can do what she likes s*xually as an adult (provided that she has the cognitive capability & emotional maturity to consent), but I wouldn't subsidize her living with a boyfriend outside of marriage. If she were thinking of moving in with a boyfriend I liked, I might consider offering an incentive to the couple to marry like money towards the purchase of a condo.

[TranquilMind]

I'd be careful not to throw the baby out with the bathwater here.  "...do not hold the Christian value of chastity before marriage", for example, rather than Christian values in general.  There is a lot more to Christianity than not shacking up with your boyfriend.  

 

All right - I revise this to "Do not think cohabitation is a good idea in the teens/early twenties". 

[regentrude]

What if you disapprove of a college student living with someone while still so very young (say teens, early 20's, and still fully financially dependent), leaving the Christian label out of it?

 

What do you do?

 

If I disapproved of any life choices of my young adult children, I would have a conversation, express and explain my concerns, and listen to their side. Unless they are doing something unlawful, they would still have my support.

 

For example, I am not thrilled about my DS' choice of future profession. But it is his life, and as a parent, I will support him in achieving his dream the same way I supported his sister in achieving hers. 

 

ETA: I fail to see what being young has to do with it. Actually, if they are young, I would be even more in favor of NOT jumping to marriage, but of taking it slowly and living together before making a legal commitment that is difficult to dissolve.

Edited August 6, 2016 by regentrude

[justasque]

Ok.  Well then, some parents of any persuasion are against cohabiting.  These seem to be largely Christian, but I'm sure there are exceptions.  So let's examine that. 

 

What if you disapprove of a college student living with someone while still so very young (say teens, early 20's, and still fully financially dependent), leaving the Christian label out of it?

 

What do you do?

 

I'm sure there are Muslim, Jewish, etc. families that are against cohabiting. It's really not just a Christian thing.  And I can think of lots of Christians who do co-habit (or have done so in the past), so it's really more about sexual values (which may or may not be rooted in a religious belief) than about a particular religion.

 

Even in parents who are OK with cohabiting in general, there are obvious concerns to be discussed with the couple.  Things like how they will handle money together, what they will do if they decide to break up during the school year, and so on.  I actually think these discussions - both with the daughter and with the couple together- if handled thoughtfully, can help either the daughter see that this may not be a good idea, or possibly reassure the parents that some of their concerns are likely to be ok in the long run.  These topics can be addressed first, without *starting* with the sinful nature of the proposition (which doesn't seem to be a winning argument with the daughter, given her plans).  

[TranquilMind]

If I disapproved of any life choices of my young adult children, I would have a conversation, express and explain my concerns, and listen to their side. Unless they are doing something unlawful, they would still have my support.

 

FWIW, I am not thrilled about my DS' choice of future profession. But it is his life, and as a parent, I will support him in achieving his dream the same way I supported his sister in achieving hers. 

 

ETA: I fail to see what being young has to do with it. Actually, if they are young, I would be even more in favor of NOT jumping to marriage, but of taking it slowly and living together before making a legal commitment that is difficult to dissolve.

 

Agree that living together is not unlawful.

 

But it is also not in the same category as future profession, which is not an immoral choice (unless he wants to make pornography or sell drugs to addicted people or something else that is indeed immoral in your view, and which you would not support - assuming that is not the case).

 

Not sure how the alternative is marriage.  How about dating? Don't people still date anymore?  Is it either marriage or living together? 

 

Edited August 6, 2016 by TranquilMind

[Crimson Wife]

 

ETA: the majority of my friends lived together with their s/o before marrying. Some married after decades, some never. Committed couples can be faithful to one another without a formal piece of paper.

 

Most of my married friends lived with their husbands prior to marriage. But for nearly all of them, their husband was not the first guy that they ever lived with. Several of them lived with boyfriends for years hoping that said BF would propose only to have their hearts broken. My middle brother has had a string of very nice girlfriends do this to him when he strung them along for several years without actually committing to the relationship.

 

[regentrude]

Even in parents who are OK with cohabiting in general, there are obvious concerns to be discussed with the couple.  Things like how they will handle money together, what they will do if they decide to break up during the school year, and so on.  I actually think these discussions - both with the daughter and with the couple together- if handled thoughtfully, can help either the daughter see that this may not be a good idea, or possibly reassure the parents that some of their concerns are likely to be ok in the long run.  These topics can be addressed first, without *starting* with the sinful nature of the proposition (which doesn't seem to be a winning argument with the daughter, given her plans).  

 

But the same financial concerns would be at play if the college student lived with friends, wouldn't they? So it is not really specific to them being in a relationship.

[TranquilMind]

I'm sure there are Muslim, Jewish, etc. families that are against cohabiting. It's really not just a Christian thing.  And I can think of lots of Christians who do co-habit (or have done so in the past), so it's really more about sexual values (which may or may not be rooted in a religious belief) than about a particular religion.

 

Even in parents who are OK with cohabiting in general, there are obvious concerns to be discussed with the couple.  Things like how they will handle money together, what they will do if they decide to break up during the school year, and so on.  I actually think these discussions - both with the daughter and with the couple together- if handled thoughtfully, can help either the daughter see that this may not be a good idea, or possibly reassure the parents that some of their concerns are likely to be ok in the long run.  These topics can be addressed first, without *starting* with the sinful nature of the proposition (which doesn't seem to be a winning argument with the daughter, given her plans).  

 

I revised the post to reflect this point, and struck the word "Christian" and added "anti-cohabitation view", because, as you rightly say, those views can be held for a variety of reasons.

 

Your second point is a good one. 

Few people seem to change their minds, once they have decided something, and I would say that is more true for teens and young twenties, you know, the years when you know everything and are invincible. 

 

[TranquilMind]

But the same financial concerns would be at play if the college student lived with friends, wouldn't they? So it is not really specific to them being in a relationship.

 

Right.  I don't understand this, as roommates do not share funds and are not entwined in any way except for residing in the same space and possibly splitting a few utility bills. 

 

Not the same at all as just living with random roommates. 

[regentrude]

Not sure how the alternative is marriage.  How about dating? Don't people still date anymore?  Is it either marriage or living together? 

 

Of course people date. I would not encourage my college student to move in with a guy she just met. In that case, the short duration of the relationship would concern me, not the fact that she is moving in with somebody.

But after a certain time of dating, the couple may want to move in together.

 

My sister just moved in with her boyfriend. After 8 years of dating.

 

I mentioned marriage because another poster said she was going to bribe her kid into marrying. I fail to see how this is a good idea.

[TranquilMind]

Most of my married friends lived with their husbands prior to marriage. But for nearly all of them, their husband was not the first guy that they ever lived with. Several of them lived with boyfriends for years hoping that said BF would propose only to have their hearts broken. My middle brother has had a string of very nice girlfriends do this to him when he strung them along for several years without actually committing to the relationship.

 

 

Wow, really?

 

I must really be getting old.  I have known exactly three people who lived together before marriage, and I can't think of anyone off hand that lived with sequential people.  One married, two still live together but they are all past 40. 

[regentrude]

Right.  I don't understand this, as roommates do not share funds and are not entwined in any way except for residing in the same space and possibly splitting a few utility bills. 

 

Not the same at all as just living with random roommates. 

 

A couple may not be more likely to have shared funds than a bunch of friends do.

In each case, they have to agree on a division of bills, on handling the financing of joint meals.

Living together does not mean having a joint bank account.

 

I specifically mentioned living with friends as opposed to random roommates; friends are more likely to share meals and have more intertwined lives. So, they need to have that discussion about handling funds just the same as a couple.

 

ETA: I am very glad my parents did not meddle and sit me down to discuss how to split money with my boyfriend - we were perfectly capable of sorting this out ourselves and splitting our expenses, while still maintaining financial independence.

Edited August 6, 2016 by regentrude

[Crimson Wife]

 

“The problem is that the couples are settling down at an earlier age, and settling down too young is what leads to divorce,†she told The Huffington Post.  (Can't quote study itself here, as I don't have an account - so this is from Huffpo)

 

 

In one of my psychology courses from my first undergrad, we discussed research finding that after controlling for education and income, there is actually NO correlation between age at marriage after 21 and divorce risk. IOW a 22 y.o. college graduate has the exact same risk of divorce as a 32 y.o. college graduate with the same income.

 

20something marriage isn't inherently problematic.

 

[Pawz4me]

I haven't BTDT so I can't say for sure how I'd feel about it. My first thought is a pragmatic one -- how would they handle a break up as far as finding another roommate so that my child wouldn't be left having to pay the full apartment rent or trying to find another place to live in the middle of the school year?

[Eliz]

I mentioned my Christian beliefs because they guide and direct my decisions as flawed as those decisions may be at times.  I couldn't support a lifestyle that contradicts my beliefs. 

[Crimson Wife]

I must really be getting old.  I have known exactly three people who lived together before marriage, and I can't think of anyone off hand that lived with sequential people.  One married, two still live together but they are all past 40. 

 

You probably move in a more religiously conservative social circle than I do. Most of my high school and college friends are only nominally religious or totally secular. Lots of "Christmas and Easter" Catholics/Mainline Protestants and "high Holy Days" Jews.

[Pawz4me]

But the same financial concerns would be at play if the college student lived with friends, wouldn't they? So it is not really specific to them being in a relationship.

 

I'd be concerned about it because I think my DS and his two male friends who are roommates would be able to continue to live together until their lease is up even if they had a disagreement. They might be a bit miffed at each other but I doubt they'd have a disagreement where they really couldn't stand to see each other. It's just not as big an emotional relationship as a boyfriend/girlfriend, where if they break up one of them would likely really want to exit the living arrangement ASAP.

[Crimson Wife]

 

My sister just moved in with her boyfriend. After 8 years of dating.

 

If he hasn't proposed after 8 years of being together, he's not interested in making an actual commitment to the relationship. Moving in together is not going to solve the problem of an uncommitted boyfriend.

[Jenny in Florida]

Wow, really?

 

I must really be getting old.  I have known exactly three people who lived together before marriage, and I can't think of anyone off hand that lived with sequential people.  One married, two still live together but they are all past 40. 

 

I think you and I are in the same general age range, and I, too, know a lot of folks who lived with at least one person before getting married (including me). I don't think this is as much about age as it is the social circles in which one, well, circulates.