Menu
Jump to content

What's with the ads?

Scarlett

Custody changes and teen boys and stuff

Recommended Posts

So dss15 has come to live with us. Right now it is just normal summer visitation which he does every year, but I dunno it already feels different. I guess because I am taking him to guitar lessons and Dh took him to the dentist and I signed him up for school.

 

He and ds16 are only a year apart. Ds16 has his own car and his friends....and he never wants ds15 to come along.

 

How do you handle that? I don't think they have to do everything together...but I am not going to allow ds16 to exclude dss15 every time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've not been in that situation, but I think my opening move would be to sit your ds down and lay it out for him that he has to make reasonable efforts and the worse a job he does, the more you're going to end up digging in about it. In other words, to show him that it would be better for him to figure out for himself how to be kind and helpful in his own way, on his own terms before you feel like you're in a position to have to lay down the law and dictate what that needs to look like because he probably won't like it as much and then everyone will be less happy. And also just constructively brainstorm with him what makes sense and what would be his ideal relationship with his new live in step-brother. Presumably there are some social gatherings that are more open - hanging out in a larger group sorts of things probably - that make more sense to take his step-brother with him. And other things that he wants to keep his friend group his and are more intimate gatherings. Help him think through what those things are.

 

Good luck. I remember from your previous posts that there's been rocky times and stress with this dss and his mother in the past? I hope it works out.

  • Like 16

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would think that at 16 your son should be allow to have his own life without being forced to drag a stepbrother along everywhere. I think forcing them will not foster a relationship at all.

 

  • Like 20

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Is there a possibility of just sitting with ds16 and listening to his feelings first?  Just ask him how he is feeling, then talk with him about the need for the family to come together as a whole to make this work.  Then ask him to brain storm with you regarding how he could include dss15.  Make it clear this is important but respect that at 16 he needs to feel like he has some say so in how his time with his friends goes.  Give him a chance to be part of the decision making process regarding his downtime.  Forcing him to bring along dss15 is the fastest way I can think of to damage the relationship further.

 

And honestly, I would also be trying to help dss15 find friends and outlets of his own.  It can really stink to be the person who has to tag along but doesn't know anyone except an older sibling or step sibling.

 

You might even consider family counseling to help everyone adjust.

Edited by OneStepAtATime
  • Like 17

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've not been in that situation, but I think my opening move would be to sit your ds down and lay it out for him that he has to make reasonable efforts and the worse a job he does, the more you're going to end up digging in about it. In other words, to show him that it would be better for him to figure out for himself how to be kind and helpful in his own way, on his own terms before you feel like you're in a position to have to lay down the law and dictate what that needs to look like because he probably won't like it as much and then everyone will be less happy. And also just constructively brainstorm with him what makes sense and what would be his ideal relationship with his new live in step-brother. Presumably there are some social gatherings that are more open - hanging out in a larger group sorts of things probably - that make more sense to take his step-brother with him. And other things that he wants to keep his friend group his and are more intimate gatherings. Help him think through what those things are.

 

Good luck. I remember from your previous posts that there's been rocky times and stress with this dss and his mother in the past? I hope it works out.

Dss15 came here for our life. Religiously, friendships, lifestyle.....he chose us. Even though he loves his mom. And it took a lot of courage to tell his mom he wanted to live here. And yes you remember correctly there has been a lot of drama with his mom and my Dh.....it just never stops.

 

Ideally I would like ds16 to have some compassion for dss15. Include him. Help him feel a part of the crowd. But the truth is ds16 is way too caught up in his own feelings and girls to even think straight.

 

I do like the idea of sitting ds16 down privately and telling him to include ds15 in an appropriate manner or he will not like the way I do it.

 

Teens are hard.

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would think that at 16 your son should be allow to have his own life without being forced to drag a stepbrother along everywhere. I think forcing them will not foster a relationship at all.

I don't expect that. But I also don't think ds15 should be left behind every time. It just isn't kind.

  • Like 10

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dss15 came here for our life. Religiously, friendships, lifestyle.....he chose us. Even though he loves his mom. And it took a lot of courage to tell his mom he wanted to live here. And yes you remember correctly there has been a lot of drama with his mom and my Dh.....it just never stops.

 

Ideally I would like ds16 to have some compassion for dss15. Include him. Help him feel a part of the crowd. But the truth is ds16 is way too caught up in his own feelings and girls to even think straight.

 

I do like the idea of sitting ds16 down privately and telling him to include ds15 in an appropriate manner or he will not like the way I do it.

 

Teens are hard.

Please, please consider how you present this.  He is 16.  He should have say so in this.  You will cause damage if you threaten and that statement feels like a threat.  Work hard to find ways to foster good feelings between them, not force a relationship on them.  You can't MAKE your 16 year old like the 15 year old.  That never works.  What you CAN do is work to try and help them find common ground and ways they can work together and respect each other.  That may take a lot of time.  It may not even involve DS16 having to drag DSS15 along.  It may need to start slower than that.  Perhaps, though, DS16 could find a group activity in neutral territory where Dss15 could be included upon occasion.  Maybe bowling or something where there is something to focus on while everyone gets to know dss15 better...

  • Like 13

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Is there a possibility of just sitting with ds16 and listening to his feelings first? Just ask him how he is feeling, then talk with him about the need for the family to come together as a whole to make this work. Then ask him to brain storm with you regarding how he could include dss15. Make it clear this is important but respect that at 16 he needs to feel like he has some say so in how his time with his friends goes. Give him a chance to be part of the decision making process regarding his downtime. Forcing him to bring along dss15 is the fastest way I can think of to damage the relationship further.

 

And honestly, I would also be trying to help dss15 find friends and outlets of his own. It can really stink to be the person who has to tag along but doesn't know anyone except an older sibling or step sibling.

 

You might even consider family counseling to help everyone adjust.

Our group of friends is going to be the same for both boys. And ds15 comes every other weekend so he is not a stranger. They are already his friends too.

 

I mean, what is the balance? Ds16 spent Saturday night with his friends. Last week he went walking at the park without ds15....but those things happend naturally since ds16 was already in town and ds15 was busy with his grand parents who were visiting.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Please, please consider how you present this. He is 16. He should have say so in this. You will cause damage if you threaten and that statement feels like a threat. Work hard to find ways to foster good feelings between them, not force a relationship on them. You can't MAKE your 16 year old like the 15 year old. That never works. What you CAN do is work to try and help them find common ground and ways they can work together and respect each other. That may take a lot of time. It may not even involve DS16 having to drag DSS15 along. It may need to start slower than that. Perhaps, though, DS16 could find a group activity in neutral territory where Dss15 could be included upon occasion. Maybe bowling or something where there is something to focus on while everyone gets to know dss15 better...

Yes you are right....no threatening ds16. But ds16 isn't getting to know dss15. He has been in our life for 6 years. Visitation has been faithful. They KNOW each other. Ds15 KNOWS the friends here.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Our group of friends is going to be the same for both boys. And ds15 comes every other weekend so he is not a stranger. They are already his friends too.

 

I mean, what is the balance? Ds16 spent Saturday night with his friends. Last week he went walking at the park without ds15....but those things happend naturally since ds16 was already in town and ds15 was busy with his grand parents who were visiting.

If there is already a relationship with DS16's friends, is DS16 feeling a bit threatened?  Competitive?  Insecure?  Teen boys can struggle to share their feelings and don't always even know what those feelings are.  

 

Could you invite everyone over to your house once in a while to build some trust that DS15 can fit in without competition?  I would honestly be working very hard to help DS16 feel supported.   He may be far more likely to want to include dss15 if he feels you are listening to his own concerns and recognize that his downtime with his friends is important to him.

 

Yes, there needs to be balance but these are teen boys.  This isn't a weekend or summer visit, this is a permanent living arrangement.  I would tread carefully.  Forcing a teen to pretend to be supportive and have to include his brother, instead of working to help him genuinely want to do those things, just seems like a recipe for ongoing friction and damage.

 

Again, maybe counseling would help.  

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes you are right....no threatening ds16. But ds16 isn't getting to know dss15. He has been in our life for 6 years. Visitation has been faithful. They KNOW each other. Ds15 KNOWS the friends here.

I meant getting to know DS16's friends.  Until your later post I was not aware that Dss15 had a relationship with DS16's friends.  And the relationship between these brothers is heading into a new phase, which needs to be supported, which is also what I meant.  I know they know each other.

Edited by OneStepAtATime

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I definitely think a private talk or talks with your DS about his feelings and your expectations that he at least sometimes include your DSS are necessary. Have him put himself in DSS's shoes if the situation were reversed - what would he want his step-brother to do if he was the new kid? Maybe he knows some kids that DSS would get along with and he could facilitate them meeting at a group get together - perhaps a board/gaming night at your place, bowling, laser tag, swimming party, water gun fight, etc.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I definitely think a private talk or talks with your DS about his feelings and your expectations that he at least sometimes include your DSS are necessary. Have him put himself in DSS's shoes if the situation were reversed - what would he want his step-brother to do if he was the new kid? Maybe he knows some kids that DSS would get along with and he could facilitate them meeting at a group get together - perhaps a board/gaming night at your place, bowling, laser tag, swimming party, water gun fight, etc.

I agree.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If there is already a relationship with DS16's friends, is DS16 feeling a bit threatened? Competitive? Insecure? Teen boys can struggle to share their feelings and don't always even know what those feelings are.

 

Could you invite everyone over to your house once in a while to build some trust that DS15 can fit in without competition? I would honestly be working very hard to help DS16 feel supported. He may be far more likely to want to include dss15 if he feels you are listening to his own concerns and recognize that his downtime with his friends is important to him.

 

Yes, there needs to be balance but these are teen boys. This isn't a weekend or summer visit, this is a permanent living arrangement. I would tread carefully. Forcing a teen to pretend to be supportive and have to include his brother, instead of working to help him genuinely want to do those things, just seems like a recipe for ongoing friction and damage.

 

Again, maybe counseling would help.

Yes I definitely feel that ds16 feels that ds15 is trying to steal his friends.

 

I agree I should get ds16 to do it willingly. I have talked to him. I have appealed to his kindness and empathy etc. He basically wants to do what he wants to do.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes I definitely feel that ds16 feels that ds15 is trying to steal his friends.

 

I agree I should get ds16 to do it willingly. I have talked to him. I have appealed to his kindness and empathy etc. He basically wants to do what he wants to do.

Which makes things much harder.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Again, maybe counseling?  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Once school starts dss will probably find his own group of friends, or maybe at school he'll get closer to some of ds's friends and they will include him even if ds doesn't make the effort.  But I'd tread carefully even pushing ds to let dss hang with him. His life is changing, too, and it's probably hard for him.  

 

Our oldest were 2 years apart and they had no friends in common. They were just too competitive. It was better that they had different friends.  Not that your boys are competitive, but just saying that  it's ok to have different friends. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The teen years are full of selfishness. I would do ANYTHING to take back some of the dumb things I did. I do think that you need to help ds 16 see that even though it's uncomfortable, doing unto others as you would like done unto you is something that you do when you don't feel like it.

 

You can't expect a 16yo boy to feel compassion, but you can expect him to pretend to a couple of times a week.

  • Like 9

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Our group of friends is going to be the same for both boys. And ds15 comes every other weekend so he is not a stranger. They are already his friends too.

 

I mean, what is the balance? Ds16 spent Saturday night with his friends. Last week he went walking at the park without ds15....but those things happend naturally since ds16 was already in town and ds15 was busy with his grand parents who were visiting.

Do they HAVE to have only the same friends?  I get that dss15 already knows these particular friends but this statement makes it sound like dss15 and ds16 have to be joined at the hip with which friends they have.  Is dss15 not going to have an opportunity to make new friends?  I realize that is not the main focus right now.  DS16 is deliberately not including Dss15 in anything with his friends and that is a problem.  I am just thinking long term that both boys might really appreciate having their own set of friends as well as hopefully peacefully including dss15 in some of the activities DS16 does with existing friends that dss15 also knows.  I guess I am not seeing the entire picture here...

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Family counseling or looking at resources for blended families might be helpful.

 

I would encourage the boys to develop their own interests and activities to help lessen competition.

 

I would not make older ds take step brother along to all of his stuff. I would though do some forced family fun times....where your family and only your family does stuff together....forced because they must go and fun because they likely will have fun. Things like long bike rides, hikes, amusement parks, geocaching, etc.

 

They do not have to be good friends, but they must both respect each other and be kind to each other. I would have separate bedrooms if at all possible .

 

These are ideas based on our foster parenting experience where we are constantly blending kids and families here.

  • Like 9

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it might be a good thing to set some family meals, walks, outings, etc that are non-negotiable 2-3 times a week.   I do think family counseling is a good idea.  Forcing a 16 year old to have a certain kind of relationship with the step can be a dangerous game in terms of long term relationship quality with both parents and the step brother.  Teens just aren't kind sometimes.  I do suspect things will start to shake out when school starts.  I would definitely be working on finding outlets for the step and if some of those things apply to both boys (like a youth club at your church or whatever) then so be it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Do they HAVE to have only the same friends? I get that dss15 already knows these particular friends but this statement makes it sound like dss15 and ds16 have to be joined at the hip with which friends they have. Is dss15 not going to have an opportunity to make new friends? I realize that is not the main focus right now. DS16 is deliberately not including Dss15 in anything with his friends and that is a problem. I am just thinking long term that both boys might really appreciate having their own set of friends as well as hopefully peacefully including dss15 in some of the activities DS16 does with existing friends that dss15 also knows. I guess I am not seeing the entire picture here...

Our friends are in our congregation and the kids are all homeschooled. Seriously, almost all of them. I can see that in this large group of friends they will naturally lean toward their own types.

 

And no I don't think the boys need to be joined at the hip. But ds16 NEVER wants to include ds15.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Family counseling or looking at resources for blended families might be helpful.

 

I would encourage the boys to develop their own interests and activities to help lessen competition.

 

I would not make older ds take step brother along to all of his stuff. I would though do some forced family fun times....where your family and only your family does stuff together....forced because they must go and fun because they likely will have fun. Things like long bike rides, hikes, amusement parks, geocaching, etc.

 

They do not have to be good friends, but they must both respect each other and be kind to each other. I would have separate bedrooms if at all possible .

 

These are ideas based on our foster parenting experience where we are constantly blending kids and families here.

They have seperate bedrooms. And they will be doing different school programs. In fact August 15 ds16 will be going to vo tech very morning and ds15 will be here with me. But we still have the evenings and weekends and just life.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I had a foster sister a year older than me who joined the family when I was 12 and she was 13. We did not have much in common. I did not share friends with her. We did share a room, and we talked and interacted with each other within the family, but we were not expected to run in the same social circles, even though we were in church youth group together and stuff like that.

 

I can't really see making your son include his brother. I would set things up so that he is included as much as possible when the family does things all together, though.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I had a foster sister a year older than me who joined the family when I was 12 and she was 13. We did not have much in common. I did not share friends with her. We did share a room, and we talked and interacted with each other within the family, but we were not expected to run in the same social circles, even though we were in church youth group together and stuff like that.

 

I can't really see making your son include his brother. I would set things up so that he is included as much as possible when the family does things all together, though.

These boys have been step brothers for 6 years. For dss that is one year less than his own parents were married. They aren't like minded boys. But they get along pretty good...and they are step brothers. I just can't see allowing ds16 to exclude him all of the time. I guess that is the question. How much do I insist he include him.

 

And btw, the other friends have no problem including ds15. It is my son who wants to run off without him.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would give your 16 year old time - lots of time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

big big difference between a step brother who visits occasionally and one that shifts in. I come from a blended family.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Melissa in Australia
  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would give your 16 year old time - lots of time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

big big difference between a step brother who visits occasionally and one that shifts in. I come from a blended family.

I know. :(. I really feel for my son.....he has been an only child for most of the time and ds15 is coming from a family with 4 kids. But still....ds16 needs to be kind right?

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

For your DS, this might feel similar to if your husband brought home a second wife and said not only will she live here (but have her own bedroom) but you must also take her with you twice a week when you hang out with your friends, who by the way will become her friends too now.

 

I dunno, I can see how your DS feels like since DSS is now a permanent and constant part of family life, at least his social life should be allowed to be as separate as he likes.

 

I don't think DS has any moral obligation to DSS at all, other than being civil at home.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok, with a little more info I've refined how I would handle it. Ds would not be allowed to be unkind to dss, but I would define that as being polite and respectful.  Also, I would not tolerate ds interfering with his friends being friends with dss.  I mean, I wouldn't tolerate my kid pressuring friends to not be friends with someone else, (unless of course the other kid is a bad influence). 

 

I hope a real friendship evolves between the two boys. 

 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

For your DS, this might feel similar to if your husband brought home a second wife and said not only will she live here (but have her own bedroom) but you must also take her with you twice a week when you hang out with your friends, who by the way will become her friends too now.

 

I dunno, I can see how your DS feels like since DSS is now a permanent and constant part of family life, at least his social life should be allowed to be as separate as he likes.

 

I don't think DS has any moral obligation to DSS at all, other than being civil at home.

Well I do. If nothing else he has a Christian obligation to his sbrother.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok, with a little more info I've refined how I would handle it. Ds would not be allowed to be unkind to dss, but I would define that as being polite and respectful. Also, I would not tolerate ds interfering with his friends being friends with dss. I mean, I wouldn't tolerate my kid pressuring friends to not be friends with someone else, (unless of course the other kid is a bad influence).

 

I hope a real friendship evolves between the two boys.

He is kind and respectful. He just wants to ditch him when it comes to friends. How much do I allow it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

He is kind and respectful. He just wants to ditch him when it comes to friends. How much do I allow it.

 

I'm assuming you have talked to him about it. What does he say? Does he feel threatened by dss? Like, is he feeling like dss is seen as the new interesting kid by his friends?   I mean, you have to figure out what's going through ds's head so you can figure out how to encourage him to be more inclusive.  

 

I'm sorry. Your heart is totally in the right place. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Instead of YOU coming up with all the ideas/limits/requirements, etc., maybe sit down with both boys and lay out the situation and tell them (in a nice way of some kind) that they need to come up with some solutions for what YOU see as a problem. But first ask them if they even see it as a problem. Maybe they don't. But if they do, or even if one of them does, then you could begin the problem-solving at that point. It may not get solved in one sitting, of course, but it will get them started thinking along those lines. And make sure they know that as soon as any of you see something isn't working, it's back to the table to work out the kinks. A work in progress ....

 

Also, your ds might be afraid of losing his privacy and your attention, too. I suppose you could reassure him, somehow?

Dss15 is mild to the extreme. He would just say it's fine, I'm fine, I don't ever need to go anywhere or do anything.

 

Tonight ds16 asked to go to friends house to swim.....I said yes, take ds15 and go. Ds16 opted to just not go. I am embarrassed and sad and annoyed by this.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

He has a Christian obligation to be kind and respectful.  He has no moral obligation to welcome him with open arms, become BFFs, or share friends immediately.  By forcing him to pretend to be friends, you're forcing him to lie.  Don't do it.  Don't tolerate any outright rudeness or abusive behavior, but don't force them to spend time together.  It might come in time, it might not.  It's not your responsibility, or even your right to control.  Chances are DS16 will make new friends in his new program and slowly drift apart from the old ones anyway.

 

If you want them to spend more time together, require more family nights per week, where you are ALL there.

 

BTW...  if you force him to include DSS15, and his friends don't like DSS15 as much, you'll ultimately be hurting DSS16 because he will not be as close to those friends, and he will lose that source of moral support that's very important.

Edited by Katy
  • Like 12

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Then, that's where I would start. Use that example and work from there.

 

Maybe think of it as mediating a group of kids and one of the kids is quiet (for whatever reason). How would you go about getting that kid to speak up?

 

When I gathered my kids to decide something, I had a couple who would do all the talking and make all the decisions - had I let them. I had to purposely ask/insist that the more quiet ones express their opinions. I would do that by saying, "OK, let's go around the table and everyone says what they think/want - one at a time." And I wouldn't move on until the quiet ones had spoken up. And they knew that.

 

Maybe if dss's father was there it would give him the courage to speak up more? No idea about family dynamics.

I don't think Dh being here would matter.

 

When ds 16 was asking I looked right at ds15 and asks him if he wanted to go. He immediately said yes. Ds16 then didn't want to go.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dss15 is mild to the extreme. He would just say it's fine, I'm fine, I don't ever need to go anywhere or do anything.

 

Tonight ds16 asked to go to friends house to swim.....I said yes, take ds15 and go. Ds16 opted to just not go. I am embarrassed and sad and annoyed by this.

This speaks volumes to me.  Your DS16 is struggling with this.  He chose not to go at all instead of bringing dss15.  I think your son is really struggling in ways you may not yet fully understand.  I think he needs help to process through his feelings.  Forcing him to bring along dss15 is only going to make the situation worse, IMHO.  I understand your feelings completely.  I really do.  I sympathize.  But your son is not doing this to be mean.  He has feelings inside him that need to be addressed in a positive way.  He needs help to process the changes that are going on.  He is not trying to be malicious, as far as I can tell from what you have posted.  He is trying to process his feelings.  He is not feeling good about this.  He needs help.

  • Like 19

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This speaks volumes to me. Your DS16 is struggling with this. He chose not to go at all instead of bringing dss15. I think your son is really struggling in ways you may not yet fully understand. I think he needs help to process through his feelings. Forcing him to bring along dss15 is only going to make the situation worse, IMHO. I understand your feelings completely. I really do. I sympathize. But your son is not doing this to be mean. He has feelings inside him that need to be addressed in a positive way. He needs help to process the changes that are going on. He is not trying to be malicious, as far as I can tell from what you have posted. He is trying to process his feelings. He is not feeling good about this. He needs help.

 

Ok I can empathize with ds16 but this is just life.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Scarlett, didn't your dh just lose his job? That's an awful lot of big changes in a short time - dss moving in, dh's job loss (and job hunt, beginning new job - equally as stressful). And your parents were moving to be near your family (or not??).

 

Just saying that all this together adds up to a lot of stress for all concerned. Maybe you, most of all. Possibly give the kids some space and do what you need to do to deal with all the stress??? :grouphug:

Ha! How do I do that?

 

Ds15 got here end of June. We have been on a dead run ever since. Our life is crazy. I Have not pressed the issue with ds16 excluding dss15....

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would think that saying he can only go swimming if he takes step brother IS pushing the issue.

 

it makes step child feel uncomfortable and most importantly it makes your child feel like he is being forced, manipulated, unworthy and a range of many other emotions. 

 

 

:grouphug:

  • Like 12

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would think that saying he can only go swimming if he takes step brother IS pushing the issue.

 

it makes step child feel uncomfortable and most importantly it makes your child feel like he is being forced, manipulated, unworthy and a range of many other emotions.

 

 

:grouphug:

Well ok I will say it is the first time I have pushed the issue. It was swimming at a family's house where the young wife has ALS. They need support and encouragement from all. Excluding ds15 was just not kind.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It wasn't kind but his reaction is telling you he may need help with this. How this situation is handled now could affect things for years to come. Have you actually talked to DS16 with no lectures or expectations? Just listened to what he had to say without judgement or indicating disappointment through vocal tone/body language? He may need that right now so he can process through what he is feeling. I know there are times that I don't make the best choices because I am feeling hurt or insecure or upset in some way. I need someone to just listen before I can reexamine my choices and actions.

Edited by OneStepAtATime
  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well ok I will say it is the first time I have pushed the issue. It was swimming at a family's house where the young wife has ALS. They need support and encouragement from all. Excluding ds15 was just not kind.

 

What does that have to do with your son taking his stepbrother?

 

And you would have been better served to address this issue where DSS could not hear the conversation.

  • Like 8

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What does that have to do with your son taking his stepbrother?

 

And you would have been better served to address this issue where DSS could not hear the conversation.

Well it it wasn't just a teen thing,

 

And it wasn't some big obvious discussion.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well it it wasn't just a teen thing,

 

And it wasn't some big obvious discussion.

 

"When ds 16 was asking I looked right at ds15 and asks him if he wanted to go. He immediately said yes. Ds16 then didn't want to go."

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Even if they were full bio brothers that were raised together, that doesn't mean they both would want to do/be together for things.  Just because you are related to someone does not mean you have anything in common with them, want to spend time with them or want to share your friends (who you do have something in common with) with them.   Pushing it on steps, who you said are very different,  who just moved in together  is certainly not going to go over well. 

 

If you signed him up for school, then in two weeks when school starts he should start making his own friends.  But you make it sound like "our friends..." like he can't make friends outside the people you already know?

 

But your 16you sounds threatened within his social group.  Is he worried 15you will embarrass him in front of his friends? Steal a girl he likes? 

 

Tell the 16yo if he helps 15yo to form his own group of friends then he won't be interfering in his circle. 

 

Edited by Renthead Mommy
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think, though I may be wrong that Scarlet is meaning our friends as in the friends within the religious congregation - and they are not encouraged to have friends outside of their religion. So forming new friends at school would be discouraged and forming friends within the group of already friends is encouraged.......

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Absolutely, Positively, NEVER force the 16yo to be friends with the 15yo.  You are asking for big, big trouble in their relationship.  

 

Do not make him take him with his friends. They are obviously not friends, do not try to define them as such.

Do not make him drive him anywhere (ie guitar class etc). He is not the parent. 

Do not make 16yo responsible in any way, for anything that 15yo does or doesn't do.  Dont ask him to help with homework or to do anything for him. Let them be completely separate.

 

These are part-time siblings. Allow them to be that, until THEY are ready to redefine themselves.

If they grow closer, then let that happen naturally.  You can't just make them live closer together and magically expect them to be buddies.  Right now your 16yo may need some space from having another teen boy around all the time. He isn't use to it.  Your 16yo has a lot going on in his life. He is no longer an only child and his life is being permanently changed due to it. His friends are where he can go to vent and blow off steam.  When he is with his friends, he can be himself and not have to 'be nice'.  He can rant about you, your husband and his new brother to his friends.  He can let his guard down and just be himself.  If you make him be a 'friend' to the 15 you are taking away his one verbal outlet for the stress he is under.  There are likely things that the 16yo talks about with his friends, that he feels are inappropriate for the 15.  He may also feel that the 15yo will tattle on him.  

There can be bigggggg differences between a 16 and a 15yo boy. He may tolerate him as a younger brother part-time, that doesn't mean he has to share every single part of his life with him.  

 

I was the younger sister. My sister and I got along fine when we were younger. When we moved, my parents didn't want me left by my self for safety reasons, so my sister had to let me tag along or she couldn't leave the house.  My older sister was NOT nice to me when she was forced to spend time with me.  Over time, she would pretend to be nice when my parents were watching, and very mean when they turned their back.  It seemed like once she got in the habit of hating me, that she just hated everything about me.  We don't even talk as adults.  She has even talked about when she would grab me by the ams and shake me as hard as she could.  She new that hitting me could leave a mark, but shaking me wouldn't.  She even admits that she didn't really have a reason to shake me, she would do it just because she was mad at our mom making her spend time with me. 

 

Being nice has zero to do with it.  

 

As others have said:

Family counseling

Family nights.

 

If they do make the same friends, then over time, the friends may start asking the 16yo to invite the 15yo.  If not, then the 15yo will make his own friends.  

 

 

  • Like 15

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...