I'm starting to panic about social needs.

[mom2scouts]

I know the socialization issue is old news, but I'm worried for this year. My son is fine because he's an introvert. He can do a few outside activities during the week and that's more than enough for him. He prefers to stay home and read, build models, play video games, and do other solitary activities. My dd is *very* outgoing and she craves more time with girls her age. Last year she had evening activities five days a week (mostly dance), two outside homeschool activities during the day, occasional weekend things, and she still sometimes felt lonely.  This year she's focusing on something else and won't spend as much time at dance.

 

I'm not sure how to help her have more friend interaction. I tend to be an introvert and don't often think to invite people to our house. When we do, her friends seem disappointed because we have a small house and few electronics. The other girls and their parents seem to like dd and she does get invited to birthday parties, but she's getting to an age where group parties don't happen much anymore. Most of her friends from dance go to the same schools and have lots of common activities and things to talk about and she's sometimes just "out of sight, out of mind". They often live in the same neighborhoods too and I see FB photos of them doing things together. If DD is around when I'm on the computer, she always notices and I think it makes her feel left out. Even if she went to PS, she wouldn't go to school with them, so putting her into school might not help. We don't have any co-ops near us and she only has one homeschooled friend her age. We live in an older neighborood and there aren't any girls her age in our entire neighborhood. Ours is original families who have retired and families with very young children getting their first house. Even the homeschool events I've found usually involve older or much younger children or boys her age. There's also still a bit of the mom friends/kid friends at this age and all my friends have boys! Where are the 9-10 year old girls?

 

What should I do? Her schedule this year only has her at evening activities twice during the week and once on the weekend. Her dance friends will have full days of school, heavy dance schedules and homework all week and not much free time. She will go crazy and will drive me crazy too! Should I invite her homeschooled friend over for a regular get together? What about inviting one of her dance friends over after class on Friday for a sleepover? Please help me brainstorm to help my very sweet girl find a regular group of friends that she can interact with outside of scheduled activities.

[KungFuPanda]

Maybe start some sort of regular club for consistency? A weekly board game club or book club or something like that?

[mamiof5]

Is there some sort of girls' troop nearby? Would she be interested? Our dds are part of an AHG troop and have made valuable friendships there.

[myfunnybunch]

It takes work as the kids transitions into preteen/teen years! :)

 

We invite friends from the boys' extracurricular activities. It really helps cement the friendships. We've got a friend or two over at least once or twice a week.

 

We started hosting regular(ish) game nights and movie nights, inviting a group of friends over for a semi-structured evening.

 

We also invite a friend or two on family outings. We just took two friends hiking and swimming with us, and everyone had a blast.

 

I have also found that cultivating friendships with the moms means that we are all more likely to maintain the friendships. Fortunately, they're all grand folks, and it means that when we need help with transportation or weekend schedules, we help each other out, which means the kids get more time together.

[Guest]

Is there some sort of girls' troop nearby? Would she be interested? Our dds are part of an AHG troop and have made valuable friendships there.

That's my best recommendation. We are in a fair number of activities but there isn't as much time to actually make friendships as one might expect. The girls troops are a better venue for that.

[Loowit]

I found that my DD made the closest friends in youth group and scouting.  My DD has done dance for years but has never really made many close friends because it is not really designed for that.  She is friendly with the other girls, but it isn't really supposed to be a social outlet IME.  Scouts and youth group are both include a strong element of getting to know other people and forming relationships.

[tm919]

My daughter goes to public school, and it's STILL not enough social interaction for  her. We live in a small house (literally 1/3rd of the size of some of her friend's houses), no electronics on playdates since electronics are mostly weekend things, and no girls around her age in the neighborhood. I've found I need to go out of my way to have people over even though it's so far out of my comfort zone. I am a total introvert.

 

I typically have her do the inviting first, then I handle the details -- she will be 7 soon but she doesn't have a good understanding of her own schedule yet. I do want to get her used to inviting people on her own. Once she's invited someone, I send their mom an email with 4 dates in the next month that we could do. In the school year, we don't do a lot of playdates, but in the summer/breaks, I hold those dates for 3 weeks -- otherwise I keep going until I've got something tentatively marked for every weekday I know we have free. Some people won't get back to me but most do, because their child has mentioned it. This summer, it worked out so that there were 1 or 2 weekdays per month that we were totally free in the summer. But of course not all of that is for my one daughter... when you add in other activities and another child, things get booked quickly.

 

I should mention that when there are public schooled kids in the mix, it really can be tough to get something even one month in advance! I originally felt idiotic planning a month in advance but over time I've realized it's mostly the families with only children that are available on short notice. Maybe it shouldn't be that way but it is....

 

One thing that works for us is to find 1 or 2 friends that are eager to hang out (you mentioned she has one homeschooled friend), arrange something to do, then shoot a quick email out a couple days before that says "soandso and I will be at the [beach/playground/etc.], we'd love to see you there if you have time!" People will randomly show up and it will remind people that your daughter is "there" so they don't forget.

 

It's exhausting. I regularly wonder when my daughter (and her younger sister) will be old enough to do all the logistics on her own. My friends tell me 8 to 10 is the magic time but for now my kids are enjoying having a social secretary (sigh) -- I think for some kids it can be harder though. I doubt my older daughter will "get it" until she is 10 or even later.

 

 

Edited August 1, 2016 by tm919

[Miss Tick]

I made an effort to carpool to dance class. It gives the girls a little more time together with a purpose and a shared, regular experience.

[Bluegoat]

My daughter is eleven, and a very social introvert.  She has one friend down the street, but it isn't a reliable a friendship as it could be for a lot of reasons.  So I've had to try and find some things to help.

 

The best bets I've found are more with things that are actually in our neighbourhood and are in some ways more casual.  Although we aren't Baptist and go to church in another neighbourhood, the Baptist church around the corner from our house has a kids meet up one night a week and youth group for the older kids one night a week.  That has been great, the kids have time to talk and most are not too far away, and she can walk herself there.

 

I've also found that also around the corner, in the Anglican church, is a Pathfinders group, and we will probably try that out for next year.  (There are Guides she could join now but the troop isn't the most fun from what I gather.)  I've looked at a karate co-op that meets at the local elementary school as well.  And over the past few years, she has met local kids at the public school strings program that she participates in at the music center about 1.5km away.  Now that she is old enough to walk, she often walks with another little boy in her class on the way home. 

 

She's become interested in chess lately, and there is a chess club on Saturday at the library.  THat isn't walking distance but it is a simple door to door bus ride, at a time of day when I will be taking her brother to ballet, so my plan is to teach her to use the bus to get there herself.  If it works out, it opens a few possibilities for her to take charge of her social life at the library and community center near by.

 

All of which I to ay, I've had to search out things available as close as possible and I've tried to make her as independent in these activities as possible, because I just don't see managing all the social events for four kids as sustainable.

 

 

[wintermom]

Honestly, if dance was the big link to social interaction, then I'd keep this one in place. It's a lot of work to make new friendships, and could be hit-and-miss trying with new activities. 

[mom2scouts]

Honestly, if dance was the big link to social interaction, then I'd keep this one in place. It's a lot of work to make new friendships, and could be hit-and-miss trying with new activities. 

 

She's still dancing, just not competing this year, so she has fewer total classes. It just happens to work out that all the classes she takes will be on one day! They schedule similar level classes back to back for parent's convenience, but in my case it's a problem.

[mschickie]

Check your library for tween programs.  You could also look at Girl Scouts/American Heritage Girls/ 4-H or something like Lego League.

 

Maybe start a small co-op for girls her age at your house.  You could do crafts or a book club.  I am sure there are others in the area it is just connecting with them.  Talk to your local librarian, see if you could do something at the library or if they know of any other hs families.  Do they have hs activities at the library?  If not maybe they would start something to draw more folks in.  Check fb for local homeschool pages where you might be able to connect with others in your area.

 

I would definitely look at doing some occasional sleepovers or outings with her dance friends too but just realize that maybe hard because of their schedules.

 

Really don't worry about it too much.  I find things work out in the end.  There maybe a reason this season seems a little light for her in social activities.  I have an only at home and the years social things did not pan out it turns out in the end that was good thing because either we had difficulties in school work or something happened in the family.  Her schedule may turn out to be a blessing for her in the end.

[Katy]

Another for Youth Group and Scouting.  Especially if you choose a large church with a large, involved youth group that meets at least twice a week (or more).

 

Also, if you have a very social & athletic kid who's average academically, consider school.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yeah I don't know.  I have found this to be the most difficult thing.  One of mine is much more in need of this stuff than the other so basically I just sign him up for more extra curricular stuff.  It's a pain for me, but he likes it.  We have had very little luck with inviting people over.  A few times people said they were coming and last minute cancelled.  A lot of people are just very busy with their school lives and everything around here is centered around the schools so even after school it's all about the school sponsored activities.  As long as he is busy with SOMETHING he doesn't complain. 

 

At least it has gotten easier with my older kid.  Now he makes his own plans.  He can get a lot of places by bus. 

[mom2scouts]

We attend a fairly large church, but she can't join youth group for another year and it's only once a week. I did find an AHG in the next county. They seem to have at least a few girls her age and the drive isn't too bad, so maybe we'll consider it. I didn't even think about the library programs. That may be something to check out too.

 

DD is very social and athletic, but she's also far ahead academically. I've already done PS with gifted kids and would rather never do it again, but we may revisit that at high school age. I guess I'll try harder to invite her homeschooled friend over in the afternoon on a regular basis. On a positive note, we got a birthday party invitation from this girl today. We had planned a family event that day, but it can be put off until after the party.

 

Someone mentioned carpool and that might help. One of her dance friends is also doing the other activity and I've talked to the mom about carpooling and she seemed receptive. I'll definitely get that set up! DD was so jealous of the group of girls from another community who all carpooled together. LOL!

 

Would it be crazy to plan a low key family activity like a fall marshmallow roast or end of summer cookout and invite a few girls without telling her? If nobody can come because of dance or school activities, dd will still enjoy the family time none the wiser and if some of her friends show up to join us she'll be over the moon excited. This is one of the problems of living in a neighborhood without other kids her age. These things don't just happen and if we plan them and people can't come, she'll be disappointed yet again. When my boys were younger, there were lots of kids their age to play with in the neighborhood and it wasn't this hard.

[knitgrl]

I can totally sympathize. Our DD is 6yo and we do Girl Scouts because that is what is available where we live. All the girls in the troop go to public school, and quite frankly, I don't really want her to become friendly with most of them because they are catty and poorly behaved. We are friends with another homeschool family who have a daughter her age, but the mother, though I love her dearly, is a bit of a recluse. We manage to visit once a month or so during the school year. There's Sunday School, and she has Tae Kwon Do and swimming lessons during the school year, but I don't think there's not a lot of social interaction at these activities. I feel badly that she doesn't have more friends. Being an introvert myself makes things more difficult that way.

[wintermom]

She's still dancing, just not competing this year, so she has fewer total classes. It just happens to work out that all the classes she takes will be on one day! They schedule similar level classes back to back for parent's convenience, but in my case it's a problem.

 

You mentioned in your original post that she's focusing on something else other than dance. Does this thing have any opportunity for social interactions? 

[Dmmetler]

I run several homeschool clubs at my house around DD's interests, each of which meets once a month. The result is that DD has a group of kids over about once a week, and while they're not all the same kids, she has a pretty consistent social group, and with a planned activity, it avoids the "but don't you have an XBox?" stuff.

[mom2scouts]

You mentioned in your original post that she's focusing on something else other than dance. Does this thing have any opportunity for social interactions? 

 

Yes, it does, but the girls come from a much wider geographic area and it might be harder to plan things outside the activity. My dd told me today one of the girls she seems to connect with is being homeschooled this year!

[wintermom]

Yes, it does, but the girls come from a much wider geographic area and it might be harder to plan things outside the activity. My dd told me today one of the girls she seems to connect with is being homeschooled this year!

 

It's a place to start, though, and hopefully your dd will enjoy it and meet some nice people. 

 

I'm not sure you'll fulfill your hope of finding lots of people your dd can connect with outside of scheduled activities. I've noticed that people are super busy, and just don't have the time for "playdates" - whether they are homeschool or public school families. Sometimes you have to make do with interaction during programs and possibly connecting with friends on-line with Minecraft or other on-line activities. 

[Ellie]

I know the socialization issue is old news, but I'm worried for this year. My son is fine because he's an introvert. He can do a few outside activities during the week and that's more than enough for him. He prefers to stay home and read, build models, play video games, and do other solitary activities. My dd is *very* outgoing and she craves more time with girls her age. Last year she had evening activities five days a week (mostly dance), two outside homeschool activities during the day, occasional weekend things, and she still sometimes felt lonely.  This year she's focusing on something else and won't spend as much time at dance.

 

I'm not sure how to help her have more friend interaction. I tend to be an introvert and don't often think to invite people to our house. When we do, her friends seem disappointed because we have a small house and few electronics. The other girls and their parents seem to like dd and she does get invited to birthday parties, but she's getting to an age where group parties don't happen much anymore. Most of her friends from dance go to the same schools and have lots of common activities and things to talk about and she's sometimes just "out of sight, out of mind". They often live in the same neighborhoods too and I see FB photos of them doing things together. If DD is around when I'm on the computer, she always notices and I think it makes her feel left out. Even if she went to PS, she wouldn't go to school with them, so putting her into school might not help. We don't have any co-ops near us and she only has one homeschooled friend her age. We live in an older neighborood and there aren't any girls her age in our entire neighborhood. Ours is original families who have retired and families with very young children getting their first house. Even the homeschool events I've found usually involve older or much younger children or boys her age. There's also still a bit of the mom friends/kid friends at this age and all my friends have boys! Where are the 9-10 year old girls?

 

What should I do? Her schedule this year only has her at evening activities twice during the week and once on the weekend. Her dance friends will have full days of school, heavy dance schedules and homework all week and not much free time. She will go crazy and will drive me crazy too! Should I invite her homeschooled friend over for a regular get together? What about inviting one of her dance friends over after class on Friday for a sleepover? Please help me brainstorm to help my very sweet girl find a regular group of friends that she can interact with outside of scheduled activities.

 

It is what it is. It will be good for her to learn to adjust to not having constant social interaction with peers. It will be good for *you,*  too. :-)

 

If you would like to invite her dance friends over on a weekend, that would be great, but not every weekend. Ditto with her homeschooled friend.

 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

It is what it is. It will be good for her to learn to adjust to not having constant social interaction with peers. It will be good for *you,*  too. :-)

 

The only problem with this is that extroverts who don't get enough social time get depressed and stir crazy, just like introverts who are forced to have too much social time get depressed and despairing, especially coming into the tween/teen years. 

 

mom2scouts, FWIW, I've never been able to foster relationships for my kids with friends from non-homeschool activities--dance, karate, art class, summer day camp, etc. It CAN work, it just never has for us. Between the natural disconnect between "building schoolers" and homeschoolers, the scheduling conflicts, the fact that our lifestyles are very different, it just never worked. Even the public schooled kids that were good friends for years have grown away from us (or we from them, or both!). So here's how I approached this. 

 

For my oldest, who is really an introvert but who still craved a few good friends, I had to actively foster a social group of kids her age (which turned out to be girls, even though the group was open to all) and work to maintain that group through the years (in spite of my own introvert needs). I started a homeschool playgroup, and when that ended naturally after a few years, someone in the larger group started a co-op so I joined the board there and we attended classes there, and we all hung together, planned classes and activities together, did sleepovers together, and so on. I also organized a semi-monthly book/movie/hangout/yoga group that ran for a school year--the group itself wasn't a huge success, but it helped keep those friendships tight and looped a few new girls into the core. Now that the girls are teens, they've melded into a larger local teen group and made more friends, but the core group has always been the key. I won't lie, it took work on my part that I wasn't always thrilled to put in, but it has paid off (and now they're old enough for the moms to be mostly hands off, woohoo!). 

 

My youngest, however, is my extrovert, and I've had to figure out something different--more consistently engaged rather than just good friends reliably in the background--for her. Last year she did a drop-off program on Mondays, a drop-off program run by a friend (she teaches science and history to her kids plus a few more, and they play a lot) on Wednesdays, and we went to our co-op on Fridays. A couple of times a week she has karate at night. This fall we won't be doing our science/history thing, but we'll see those kids on Fridays as well. In addition, we'll be adding a 4-H club or two at night, and we hope to make some strong friendships there as well. 

 

So my main suggestion is that if you want it, you may have to make it yourself, and in my experience, at that age, it needs to be something consistent. Some of the other things we've done with our core group plus some others were small playgroups; a mother/daughter book club (the mom who organized it actually set up a Skype session with a published author of a well-known series, and the girls LOVED that); a book/movie/yoga club (they read at home, we spent an hour discussing, then they watched a movie and the whole thing culminated with a yoga class taught by another HSing mom); a science group (experiments and then some hangout time); classes together at the local arts center; sleepovers; birthday get-togethers; and more. 

 

But in addition to that, don't be afraid to take advantage of things other homeschoolers might be offering. The Monday group youngest DD goes to is far and means a lot of driving for me, but it means so much to her to have a "community" of her own. There are also scouting groups (which I assume you know based on your name :D), 4-H, Meetup groups, and so on. 

 

 

I hope that helps. It's been a big issue for us, for both the introvert and the extrovert, and we've had to do a constant dance to meet everyone's needs, so I totally get where you're coming from!

Edited August 2, 2016 by ILiveInFlipFlops