This housewife's intentionality

[momee]

(I've edited from original...putting too much out there...)

 

I could use a kick in the pants about some things and wanted to share in case anyone has words of wisdom they can bring forth to help the effort, lol...

 

Politeness - common southern courtesy is such an easy skill for some of my peeps.  Yes ma'am in a genuine way and kind, courteous gestures just roll off their tongues.  I'd like to be more polite.  

 

Being better dressed -does take more effort for me, I'm trying...  

 

Romance with the hubster - Just doing things for him that show I care, taking time to show interest in his work - he starts talking about it and my eyes glaze over.  In the same vein though I can get red hot angry if he doesn't listen to me.  Grrrr.  I hate that about me.  still working on it.

 

Entertaining - idk - it's the shopping, the cleaning up, the cooking all day, to have a dinner party last two/three hours and they're gone.  BUT - these are the days...if I don't do it who will?  My kids LOVE having families over and my man needs the companionship of other men.  However, I still drag my feet.  I have been reading some books on parties and that's a little bit encouraging.  

 

Edited July 31, 2016 by momee

[Farrar]

Some of these are things that I think it's better to accept yourself than to try to be someone you're not. If you're not "gentle" then don't try to be. It'll just make you unhappy. Manners is one thing, but that's personality. Ditto with your dh's work - if you're not interested in the details, then you're not. And you probably can't make yourself. I'd look for other things you have in common instead. And, yeah, listen for his sake when he needs it, because that's what friends and spouses do. But maybe your main topic of conversation is a book you read together, a TV show you watch together, politics, mutual friends, whatever interests both of you.

 

If dressing a certain way makes you happy, do it. There's definitely a mental thing about wearing the clothes that help you be the person you want to be. Don't judge what makes others happy though. Sounds like you're dressed the way you want, which is great.

 

Entertaining... potlucks. Always potlucks. Don't make the focus the entertaining. Be willing to have people over with a semi-clean house, not a perfect one. Focus on the companionship and not the "hosting" aspect. Which is not to say be a bad host, just be willing to not be a perfect one and don't let the ideals get in the way of the reality.

[regentrude]

I can comment on the dinner parties: let go of the idea that you need to spend all day cooking! It is entirely possible to throw together a very nice dinner party in an hour or two. It may help to remember that the most important ingredient is not a fancy mind blowingly complicated dish (especially if it stresses you), but good company. Simple food, well executed, eaten in the company of good friends, served by a relaxed hostess can make a delightful party.

To be intentional about it: just DO it. I entertain a lot - dinner parties for 6-8 or after dinner receptions for 20. Neither takes longer than a couple of hours to put together, less if I am pressed for time. Entertaining does not have to be a lot of work.

 

ETA: As for your DH: what are the hobbies you have together? Make the time to do the things together that bring you both joy. If you're not interested in his work, is that because you don't understand what he does? Or because his work is very boring and repetetive? Even so, there are plenty of other things you can do to connect. For my DH and me it is hiking; we love the outdoors and spend one day each weekend hiking together (and when the kids were little, did it as a family activity). That goes a long way towards connecting.

Edited July 31, 2016 by regentrude

[momee]

"Just doing things for him that show I care, taking time to show interest in his work - he starts talking about it and my eyes glaze over.  "

 

He's a great guy.  Even changed his task management method (I'm very into that stuff right now, planning for school, etc...) he has had on the computer to a paper method  so we can do together at home, simply because I'm interested in it.  

 

I mean nice things like that.  

 

I just don't take the time to make him a priority with all the other priorities that ask for my attention and I'm trying to be more INTENTIONAL about it.  Scheduling a date night every other week is the current thing I'm trying to incorporate.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Where are you getting your vision of the ideal homemaker? If June Cleaver and Donna Reed are setting the standard, that's not necessary. You can work on dressing the way that makes you feel good, treating your spouse and children the way you think is right, and welcoming friends to your home as is comfortable for you...while being yourself. Forgive me if I'm misinterpreting but I'm hearing "personality transplant" and if so, that's too much pressure! There are a million ways to do this well; we are supposed to be unique with different strengths and interests.

[momee]

I agree with the idea entertaining doesn't have to take alot of effort, but I make it seem like it I guess.  I have great friends too who don't care what the house looks like.  That's very important, lol.

 

[regentrude]

I agree with the idea entertaining doesn't have to take alot of effort, but I make it seem like it I guess.  I have great friends too who don't care what the house looks like.  That's very important, lol.

 

Also, your guests don't see the entire house. They see the room where you eat. 

If you don't have clutter, a quick swiffing is all you need to make a room presentable.

[momee]

"personality transplant"

 

Good point!

 

 

Edited July 31, 2016 by momee

[momee]

nm

Edited July 31, 2016 by momee

[momee]

nm

Edited July 31, 2016 by momee

[Guest]

I've made a few of the changes, including dressing better and paying attention to where I am. Re dressing, I want to dress in a way that presents me well. I decided that using W essentially the same wardrobe I had as a much younger woman wasn't the best way to do that. And I'm a lot more comfortable now, in my more flattering clothes which are also better than my old ones.

 

I listened to a couple of podcasts on Watchful Work and Rest and they made a difference for me in being more intentional about both work and rest. I also got a lot more time back in my day when I went off Facebook. It turns out that even a sort visit to FB turned into a rabbit trail all over the Internet which is refocusing. Which isn't good for paying attention. I miss my FB friends and feed--I liked it there--but I'm doing a better job at my personal life now.

 

ETA I didn't mean just to talk about me but to say that I think this isn't a personality transplant but changing as you grow and deciding HOW you want to change your life, and that I have found benefit in doing this. So you GO!

[Critterfixer]

Any time I've started out trying to make things better for others, I often find that if I'd thought of myself first, the rest of it tends to follow. I don't think that's selfish. It just reflects the idea that if I want love to give, I'd better spend time making sure I have the right ingredients in myself to start with.

 

Using your examples:

Politeness--I never used to compliment people on their hair. Mine was a mess. I now go and get my head tended by a good stylist and colorist, and suddenly I'm noticing great color jobs (including some really bright, cool colors!) and I go up and tell them how nice they look. I do that because I started getting comments on how nice my hair looked. Then I was eager to return the favor.

 

Better dressed--can't help you there, but I'm a lot more confident in picking out things I like for myself lately. You know, things that look good with my hair. :laugh:

 

Romance--Hmm. I let go of what I expected romance to look like and worked on inventing what I like. I let go of being disappointed with things that didn't go quite the way I planned. I learned to be a lot more open about what I wanted. And low and behold, I started asking about what the DH wanted. 

 

On entertaining--I'll never be a person who wants parties, but I've been working on figuring out what kinds of entertainment I like and why I like them. I've been working on making sure that I get the kind of entertainment that leaves me rested, peaceful and energized. That actually tends to be what works for the rest of my family, but it has also made me more open to trying new things with more people. This is my business if we entertain. And I want to have fun! A lot of having fun means finding out what is fun for you, instead of trying to make fun for everybody else. 

 

Maybe a little different take on it, but it has been helpful for me in being more intentional.

[marbel]

Having company:  Regentrude is right.   But  also, think of it as offering hospitality rather than entertaining. That little mind shift might help.   A simple dinner doesn't have to be a ton of work.  Or, invite people over for dessert after dinner.  Or a weekend lunch or even just a late-morning coffee.  Cook things you are comfortable with.  Don't get caught up in what you think is needed.  Potlucks are fine sometimes but honestly there are times I prefer to make everything and let people come empty-handed.  I enjoy the luxury of being just a guest sometimes too.  

 

Not too long ago a couple from church invited us over for dinner.  It was to be a "working dinner" for our husbands who are on a committee together - to give them some relaxed time to talk some thing over.  The hosts made a nice salad, a delicious pasta dish, opened a bottle of wine, and offered a simple dessert of cookies with coffee.   It was so nice.  But it was marred by the hostess apologizing for the simple meal.   It was a great meal!  But it seemed we could not reassure her.   Serve a simple meal without shame. 

 

Dressing:  I know what you  mean about dressing a little better.  I live in t-shirts and knit pants at home and even for running errands and such.  I felt so sloppy.  So I upgraded slightly: t-shirts with a touch of spandex in them, so they don't bag out.   And a couple of knit skirts.   I didn't spend a lot of money but I feel so much better, and it's really no different in terms of comfort and fitting my "style" such as it is.  :-)   I know that's probably not the style you are looking for, just wanted to say that I get it about upping your dress game a little bit.

[KungFuPanda]

I've got this. Try:

 

 

 

Politeness - Fake it til you make it.

 

Being better dressed - add a few comfy skirts to wear with what you have

 

Romance with the hubster - Jump him more. That'll make him happier than any other, more time and effort consuming plan you can come up with. Crude. Simple. Effective.

 

Entertaining - Easier, simpler menu, potluck parties, delegate some prep/shopping to DH and kids since THEY want company, lowered Martha Stewaresque expectations, meet up for a park or pool for a bring-your-own picnic

[momee]

Kung Fu - I read your quote and was sitting here wide mouthed...asking "Did I respond to my own post??!!

Then I realized with the "jump him more" response, I didn't say that - it was your response to my topics.

 

Alrighty, I thought I'd lost my dumb mind!

 

 

[nd293]

I agree with Farrar that a lot of what you're talking about relates to personality.

 

Manners - I think the quote from (I think) the Dalai Lama "Be kind wherever possible. It is always possible.". I'm certainly not a 'gentle' person, but I do try not to add to people's burdens with my behavior. Small things, like being courteous when someone else is in the wrong.

 

Entertaining - if you don't enjoy it you don't, and if your husband needs the company of other men I'm sure he can seek that out for himself. Maybe you could facilitate it by suggesting a 'Dads and kids' outing? Dh used to go out with work colleagues or a friend and kids every couple of months when they were younger - the zoo, science museum, park or fishing were favourites.

 

Appearance - taking time to put on a little makeup can make you feel so good. Whatever you're comfortable with. I've also slowly built up a nice wardrobe from charity shops. It hasn't cost me much and allowed me to figure out what I like and don't like and make the odd mistake without breaking the bank. My 'uniform' is jeans or 3/4 denims year round, but pairing with an attractive top makes all the difference.

[KungFuPanda]

Kung Fu - I read your quote and was sitting here wide mouthed...asking "Did I respond to my own post??!!

Then I realized with the "jump him more" response, I didn't say that - it was your response to my topics.

 

Alrighty, I thought I'd lost my dumb mind!

Sorry, I was on an ipad so changing the font floor wasn't an option.

[BooksandBoys]

We love to have people over, so I'll comment on that. I clean one bathroom and straighten the kitchen/living area. If my house was really bad, stuff goes into my bedroom and I close the door. I prefer to live in a house that can support open doors, but I'm not going to avoid a chance to have friends over because our bedrooms are a mess.

 

We grill or potluck. Grilling is my preference because it gets the men outside (yes, I know how to grill...but they like it) and I have less work and less mess. We invite guests to bring grilling meats and side dishes. I make sure we have emergency meat in the freezer (hot dogs, hamburgers) in the unlikely event that there isn't enough from guests, but that almost never happens. I always provide buns and have back-up chips/salsa, but, again, I rarely need much back-up. We've lived in many places, but we always find people generous when contributing to grilling night.

 

After grilling, we eat then talk while cleaning up and play cards/games. The kids get a movie. It works well for us and is easy.

[Guest]

as re: entertaining...maybe it is mostly the fact that we do it a LOT so everyone kind of knows the drill...

 

i will grill or heat anything.  I ask people to bring something to eat and share.  And I provide burgers and hot dogs but not BUNS as we cant eat them.  So I ask someone to bring those.  We provide beverages, kid and adult.  And everyone comes and has a great time and stays a LONG time because they feel entitled.  :0)  And that is peachy by me.  

 

Generally, the floor is swept and the carp is off the seating surfaces.  No one has reason to call the health department.  :0)