Tell my parents today, or wait?

[ktgrok]

So, I'll be 8 weeks on monday. Had an ultrasound at 7 weeks and saw a good strong heartbeat, baby measured right on schedule, but there was a small subchorionic hemorrhage. Which, since I'e had no bleeding and is small I've been told doesn't matter and isn't a big deal at all. I'm planning to have the Panorama NIPT test at 9 weeks, will have results around 10 weeks. I had planned to tell my parents and kids after that, after I know everything is fine. Or after processing if it isn't fine. (I turned 40 two months before conceiving, but was on supplements supposed to lower the risk of chromosomal defects back down to younger age levels...who knows.)

 

Anyway, my sister knows. And she thinks I should tell my mom when I see her today, (my oldest's birthday family celebration is today). The biggest reason is if I wait, she'll be hurt and stressed and wonder why I didn't tell her sooner. (trust me on this...it's a common thing with her). If I tell her now, she'll be stressed wondering if everything is okay. Those are kind of the two options. 

Trust, telling family important things, not lying, etc are big in this family. When she has medical tests she shares, even if they might worry us, etc because honesty is important to her. So this is a real issue. On the other hand, if I wait I can hopefully tell her and say "and we'v had testing done, everything is fine" at the same time. More of a celebration versus cautious optimism. Of course, there is a chance everything isn't fine...and having to tell her I'm pregnant, but that it isn't going well/miscarrying/birth defects/etc all in the same announcement would suck. 

 

Plus, I'm bloated and look fat lol. Which I'm sure she'll notice if I wear comfortable clothes (tank top and shorts..it's hot and we will be outside today). DH is fine either way. 

 

If we do tell we still won't tell the kids (other than my teen, he knows, he babysat while I got the ultrasound) until after we know how things are going to go. I'd pull my parents aside and tell them while my sister watches the kids, then pull her aside separately so my mom thinks I'm telling her. 

 

Any thoughts? We see them about once a month or so, and are fairly close. 

[Guest]

I don't think today is a good idea, because it'll steal your child's birthday thunder. However, given what you've said about your mother, I think you should probably tell her very soon.

[zoobie]

If your test gets bad news, would you go through that without your mom? If you would tell her when the worst happens, I'd tell her when the news is good!

[katilac]

If your test gets bad news, would you go through that without your mom? If you would tell her when the worst happens, I'd tell her when the news is good!

 

This. My doctor told me, in the first trimester, to "tell the people you will want to grieve with you if things go wrong." 

[JFSinIL]

I'd tell her at the end of the visit, after family birthday.  Quietly, and assure her you will call her as soon as get results in a couple weeks.

[FaithManor]

My mother was not good when I went through my miscarriage so after that I waited much longer before telling.

 

I think the advice about telling the same people who are in your right circle whom you would grieve with and take steength from is spot on, but definitely not on your child's birthday because it steals some of the focus.

[Janeway]

Very first world problems. Just a few years ago, we did not have the tests we have today, like the MaterniT21. And a few years before that, we did not have the level of sonography we have now. Instead of it all bringing peace, others will lay a pressure of health and all that on the Mom until they have a re-assurance from all available tests.

 

I did vote to wait to tell, but I change my mind. I do not think I can change my vote. I suspect your sister will tell if you do not. And since you already told your sister, you might as well tell your mom.

[fdrinca]

I would tell her, especially if she wants to be told. ESPECIALLY if others know, and she might find out that she wasn't in the first wave of notifications. 

[TranquilMind]

If your test gets bad news, would you go through that without your mom? If you would tell her when the worst happens, I'd tell her when the news is good!

 

Yes, tell her.  She's your mom.  Would you want your child to tell you or would you want to be the one who is left out until later?

 

[barnwife]

Yes, tell her.  She's your mom.  Would you want your child to tell you or would you want to be the one who is left out until later?

 

I'll disagree. The state of another person's uterus is nobody's business until they choose to make it so. If anybody is upset about the order of telling or whatever, that's not on the pregnant person. 

 

Disclaimer: We are expecting at the end of the year. Most of my friends were told after I entered second trimester. Family was told a few weeks later. If there was any way possible, I'd totally be in the "tell once baby is born" camp. (Not too realistic as it would mean avoiding too many people for too long.)

 

Clearly, I'd tell whenever you want to. But if you tell today, do it after the celebration.

 

Edited July 23, 2016 by barnwife

[TranquilMind]

I'll disagree. The state of another person's uterus is nobody's business until they choose to make it so. If anybody is upset about the order of telling or whatever, that's not on the pregnant person. 

 

Disclaimer: We are expecting at the end of the year. Most of my friends were told after I entered second trimester. Family was told a few weeks later. If there was any way possible, I'd totally be in the "tell once baby is born" camp. (Not too realistic as it would mean avoiding too many people for too long.)

 

Clearly, I'd tell whenever you want to. But if you tell today, do it after the celebration.

 

 

I don't understand that way of thinking, but I suppose you have your reasons.

 

Heck, I told people before I was pregnant in one case. 

 

[ktgrok]

So I told them. Privately, brief conversation so as not to disrupt the day. They were supportive other than my mom begging me not to have another home birth. Sigh.

[eternalsummer]

Home births make people nervous.  Heck, the idea of a home birth makes *me* nervous!

 

Also, when they are not the ones going through the labor, one way or another, it makes sense that they want what they perceive as the absolute safest option, even if it might not be the best for you - they aren't really considering your experience of the whole thing.

 

Glad it went over well, though!  I have taken to telling my sister (who is always excited for another niece/nephew), my mom (with trepidation, as she has only barely acquired the skill of pretending to be okay with it) and letting the rest work it out whenever.  There's a lot of "if you have more than 2 kids you're ruining the environment and/or a fundie of some sort" crazy in my extended family, though.

[ktgrok]

Yeah, I knew the home birth thing would come up. This will be my third. The first one they staged an actual intervention with me and all my family members. It was awful. At one point i explained that of course I'd go to the hospital instead if anything went wrong, I had high blood pressure, etc. My dad actually said, "well then, I hope you get high blood pressure!" I was really hurt. My sister was mean, called my hypnobirthing tracks brainwashing and a cult, etc. 

 

The second one they were better about it. Hopefully this is the last time they mention it for this one. My husband did speak up and say "no" to the hospital birth idea even before I did, and told my mom if it is that stressful we'll find her a xanax or something. I suggested they could go the hospital if they like it so much :)

 

But other than that, and one question of "are you sure you want 4 kids" they were positive, and offered congratulations. 

[KarenC]

Yeah, I knew the home birth thing would come up. This will be my third. The first one they staged an actual intervention with me and all my family members. It was awful. At one point i explained that of course I'd go to the hospital instead if anything went wrong, I had high blood pressure, etc. My dad actually said, "well then, I hope you get high blood pressure!" I was really hurt. My sister was mean, called my hypnobirthing tracks brainwashing and a cult, etc. 

 

The second one they were better about it. Hopefully this is the last time they mention it for this one. My husband did speak up and say "no" to the hospital birth idea even before I did, and told my mom if it is that stressful we'll find her a xanax or something. I suggested they could go the hospital if they like it so much :)

 

But other than that, and one question of "are you sure you want 4 kids" they were positive, and offered congratulations. 

Wow.  Here's hoping for a healthy, happy pregnancy, and a supportive family.  I can't imagine that degree of (intrusion? for lack of a better word) into another adult's life.  The lack of support would really bother me.

[StaceyinLA]

I voted other because, while I don't think you should necessarily wait until testing, I don't think you should do it on your son's birthday. I think that needs to be his day. I'd wait until tomorrow.

[ktgrok]

Just to clarify, my son's birthday was actually a week ago, but and we had cake and presents here at my house for him then. This was at my parent's house, so they could see him. My dad took him and my husband out fishing on the boat for most of the day while my mom, sister, and I stayed at the house with the little kids. And since the little kids don't know about the pregnancy, it wasn't a big deal and didn't take away from my son's thunder or anything. He's low key anyway, and would probably prefer if attention was diverted from him, although it wasn't. 

 

I told my parents quickly before we at lunch, then the men folk went out on the boat, so not a big deal. Also, my son is 17, so I think that plays into it too. 

[gardenmom5]

I'll disagree. The state of another person's uterus is nobody's business until they choose to make it so. If anybody is upset about the order of telling or whatever, that's not on the pregnant person. 

 

Disclaimer: We are expecting at the end of the year. Most of my friends were told after I entered second trimester. Family was told a few weeks later. If there was any way possible, I'd totally be in the "tell once baby is born" camp. (Not too realistic as it would mean avoiding too many people for too long.)

 

Clearly, I'd tell whenever you want to. But if you tell today, do it after the celebration.

 

It may have been early signs my mother was mentally slipping (certainly her filter was), but I'd taken her to a dr. appointment during which I was having major cramping.  she started asking me about it in the waiting room.  just shut up mother.  she wouldn't drop it. in front of a waiting room full of people!   well, it did help me remember when I period was because it was my last cycle before dudeling.

 

I don't understand that way of thinking, but I suppose you have your reasons.

 

Heck, I told people before I was pregnant in one case. 

 

I know a woman who did that.  went around announcing she was pg before taking a test.  might have been a good idea . . . (she wasn't.)

 

Home births make people nervous.  Heck, the idea of a home birth makes *me* nervous!

 

 

 

and then there are those who despise the hospital.  one woman I know (who had several home births) gave her dd a lot of flak for choosing a hospital birth and NOT a home birth.  *in. the. delivery.room.*  the woman left her dd in hard labor because she was in a hospital, and not at home with a midwife.