Can you make a kid stop talking?

[lovinmyboys]

So my "spirited" ds6 has come a long way over the last few months with his behavior. I have had very few problems with him lately. This weekend we went to a festival and the kids had to be 8 to do one of the activities. Ds went on and on about how mad he was about the rule. It wasn't great behavior, but it was only words (and no bad words). Then we went to a water park and he was too short for one of the things he wanted to do. Again, he talked about it and was very animated, but to me his behavior was better than it would have been a few months ago.

 

So, one of my family members said she would never allow one of her kids to act like that. What does that mean? How can you get a kid to stop talking?

 

This isn't a JAWM. I didn't love ds's behavior, but all he did was talk ("That's not fair. Why would you even take me to a place that wouldn't let me do this. Who made up this stupid rule anyway.") He was very mad. Last year he would have gone crazy.

 

Is talking an acceptable way to release anger, and If it isn't, how would you stop it? Fwiw, if I only had my 4yr old I would probably say I wouldn't let my kid act like that too. He is so easy going. My 6yr old though, I honestly don't know if I could make him stop talking.

Edited July 18, 2016 by lovinmyboys

[katilac]

First, boo to your family member for the non-helpful commentary, lol.

 

Second, this sounds like a big improvement in behavior. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint, and I'd be happy with him talking it out for now. You will gradually be able to work on this, but it will take time, and certainly you don't want to discourage him when he's made great strides. 

 

Perhaps the relevant question is how do you make the family member stop talking . . . 

[Tanaqui]

Did you have a problem with this behavior before Auntie Busybody stepped in and criticized?

 

If not, then there's no problem whatsoever.

[PeterPan]

If you know you've been teaching strategies and making steps toward appropriate behavior and that you're seeing improvement (or at least doing all you can!), you say you've been working on it and you pass the bean dip.  Lots of people have kids with problem behaviors, and yes we get looks all the time.  All the time.  If you've done what you can and he's making progress, give them the we know, we're working on it, and move on.  

 

I think sometimes maybe people think you're oblivious.  They don't realize all the backchannel and how much you HAVE been working on it.

 

And if you're asking if it's normal, well who am I to say?  I mean my ds has ASD and apraxia.  We can get pretty bad here, lol.  But I think strategies and having a plan and working on it are good.  You know it's an issue.  You could do some 5 point scale work.  Just look it up and get the idea and talk about it.  Or talk about strategies for letting things go when we get stuck.  Or talk about how other people feel when we're doing xyz.  SocialThinking.com has lots of good materials for that.

[FlyingMOm]

How can you get a kid to stop talking?

Is talking an acceptable way to release anger, and If it isn't, how would you stop it?

 

First of all- I have two children who are *extreme* talkers.  They have been highly verbal from a very early age & language is their strength (and, as is often the case with a strength, it is their weakness as well!)  All that to say, I totally GET what it's like to have a child who is extremely verbal.

 

Yes, you can get a kid to stop talking.    Can talking be an acceptable way to release anger?   As with all things, the answer here is balance.   It is *sometimes* appropriate and sometimes not- one benchmark that I try to use when assessing whether to allow them to continue is to determine if they are A)talking it through to think it through/process it, seeking and willing to listen to constructive comments/interpretation of a situation   or B) obsessing over an incident and feeding their anger, participating in negative/unhelpful/untrue thought patterns.

 

I don't think it is true to say that kids must always be allowed to talk about every thought/feeling they have, endlessly.  (not implying that you said this, just commenting on a current parenting trend that I think is out of balance)   It really depends on the HEART of why the kid is talking about an issue, what is their focus, are their thoughts kind or true?   Is their self-talk leading to understanding/processing OR feeding a spirit of anger, injustice, victim attitude?  If it is the latter of the two, then I try to ask questions that lead to truth, extending grace, kindness, treating others as you want to be treated (i.e. giving someone the benefit of doubt), etc.   

 

As to getting a verbal kid to stop talking- it IS a helpful skill for them to learn- mine are still working on learning to filter their thoughts and edit their comments but they have vastly improved as they've gotten older.     In our house, if I were to give a child a direct instruction, such as "stop talking", I would expect the child to obey.    My cousin helpfully pointed out to me (because I really DID NOT know) that it's nothing more than a verbal temper tantrum...  Would I allow my physical/spatial/active kid to throw a temper tantrum?  As in getting down on the floor & kicking & screaming.   Absolutely not.  But a verbal kid can do pretty much the same thing only its with words- and when I realized that was what was going on with one of my children, I put a stop to it.    They can and they will learn self-control and for my verbal kids, that means learning to stop talking when instructed to do so.    I don't know what discipline methods you use in your home, but if you decide you want the child to stop talking, just tell them so directly & then enforce it in whatever manner you choose.    (in our house, I would begin with something concrete- i.e. "I want you to stop talking for 10 minutes.  I will set the timer.   When it goes off, we can talk about this some more.")

[lovinmyboys]

Thanks. I think if she says something again, I will say we are working on it or whatever. I personally try not to comment on other kids behavior (unless it directly affects me in some way) or other people's parenting. I thought it was out of line that she said that, but it also made me wonder what she would do if her child kept talking. I can't physically force him to stay quiet. Sort of like when he was a baby (or even now) I can't force him to sleep.

 

I am planning to work with him on acceptable ways to behave when things don't go his way. Unfortunately, he isn't as open to learning when he is in the middle of the situation. I wasn't exactly ok with his behavior, but it didn't rise to a level I was willing to fight him about. And, he did get over it after he was talked out, so it was productive talking even if it wasn't polite.

[happi duck]

Complaining/angry kids can make people feel uncomfortable.

 

I do think it's good to express anger as opposed to bottling it up or never being "allowed" to be angry.

 

Iiwm, I would talk to a child quietly or away from the group for a quick "I hear you" and them we'd move on, kwim?

 

Dwelling on a negative isn't good for the upset child either, imho.

[OneStepAtATime]

Your relative doesn't get it.  BTDT.  We have an extreme talker in our house and even DH doesn't get it.  For kids that talk a LOT they may not have developed an inner voice, yet.  That can take time and targeted instruction.  They don't need to be punished or cut down.  They aren't trying to be a bad kid.  They may have many underlying causes for the excessive talking but especially at 6 they aren't trying to be rude or irritating.  It sounds like your son has matured quite a bit.  I think that's great!  Just keep working with him to help him get over disappointments and to eventually develop his inner voice and ignore miss busybody.  And keep focused on the positives so he doesn't end up developing a negative self-image.

[Arcadia]

I thought it was out of line that she said that, but it also made me wonder what she would do if her child kept talking. I can't physically force him to stay quiet.

I think it depends on how long. My younger boy had complained non-stop politely but loud enough for anyone nearby to hear at Legoland Calfornia because he is short for age. My hubby took him aside away from crowds because it does spoil other people's mood.

[Shred Betty]

Op, imho keep your chin up and I agree with other posters :)

I don't think it is true to say that kids must always be allowed to talk about every thought/feeling they have, endlessly. (not implying that you said this, just commenting on a current parenting trend that I think is out of balance) It really depends on the HEART of why the kid is talking about an issue, what is their focus, are their thoughts kind or true? Is their self-talk leading to understanding/processing OR feeding a spirit of anger, injustice, victim attitude? If it is the latter of the two, then I try to ask questions that lead to truth, extending grace, kindness, treating others as you want to be treated (i.e. giving someone the benefit of doubt), etc.

 

As to getting a verbal kid to stop talking- it IS a helpful skill for them to learn- mine are still working on learning to filter their thoughts and edit their comments but they have vastly improved as they've gotten older. In our house, if I were to give a child a direct instruction, such as "stop talking", I would expect the child to obey. My cousin helpfully pointed out to me (because I really DID NOT know) that it's nothing more than a verbal temper tantrum... Would I allow my physical/spatial/active kid to throw a temper tantrum? As in getting down on the floor & kicking & screaming. Absolutely not. But a verbal kid can do pretty much the same thing only its with words- and when I realized that was what was going on with one of my children, I put a stop to it. They can and they will learn self-control and for my verbal kids, that means learning to stop talking when instructed to do so. I don't know what discipline methods you use in your home, but if you decide you want the child to stop talking, just tell them so directly & then enforce it in whatever manner you choose. (in our house, I would begin with something concrete- i.e. "I want you to stop talking for 10 minutes. I will set the timer. When it goes off, we can talk about this some more.")

 

Boy am I glad I read this thread. I am really struggling right now with DD7 and this "verbal tantrum." Omg I had NO idea but it's so true that's exactly what it is! Ok so I've been trying to ask her several times nicely to stop, then trying to force her to stop, but not wanting to stop her from expressing feelings often I just end up failing :(. Seeing it for what it is - more like a tantrum - will help me put my foot down, but do you have any additional suggestions on where to start looking for examples of what you describe, "asking questions leading to truth, extending grace, " and strategies to help turn the tables?

 

Your relative doesn't get it. BTDT. We have an extreme talker in our house and even DH doesn't get it. For kids that talk a LOT they may not have developed an inner voice, yet. That can take time and targeted instruction. They don't need to be punished or cut down. They aren't trying to be a bad kid. They may have many underlying causes for the excessive talking but especially at 6 they aren't trying to be rude or irritating. It sounds like your son has matured quite a bit. I think that's great! Just keep working with him to help him get over disappointments and to eventually develop his inner voice and ignore miss busybody. And keep focused on the positives so he doesn't end up developing a negative self-image.

do you have any suggestions on where to start finding out about developing the inner voice like you describe, the many underlying causes for excessive talking, and "targeted instruction?" Thanks! Edited July 18, 2016 by Shred Betty

[Ausmumof3]

One thing I find helpful with my excessive talker is to use a reflective listening technique but then continue with my own commentary.

 

Eg

Oh you are so frustrated you can't go on the waterslide because you are too small. It's too bad when we miss out on something that we think would be really fun. I bet the people running the waterslide would love to let everyone on but if they do and there's an accident the waterslide would have to close down completely. That would be annoying.

 

I also wouldn't be happy if they were having a go at me personally. I would fairly strongly explain my viewpoint. Hey I tried to do something fun for you and I'm really sorry it didn't work out. But if you keep talking about it like this next time I really am not going to want to try.

 

Maybe that's manipulative but I get frustrated when my kids expect everything to go their way all the time. I think there's a good balance between letting them express themselves and wrecking stuff for everyone else.

 

Now that said... All this applies to my kids with their own sets of behaviour. You have your own stuff to deal with that probably looks totally different to mine. And the person who said that to you was pretty rude. Maybe another time it would be worth removing your kid a bit earlier if they are being super annoying but this depends on where you are at. I can totally imagine some kids making it even worse if you attempted that.

[LucyStoner]

People who say that they "would never allow their child to act like that" aren't worth it. They have demonstrated rudeness and disrespect both to the parents and to the child. They are also usually full of themselves AND full of it.

Edited July 18, 2016 by LucyStoner

[TranquilMind]

Complaining/angry kids can make people feel uncomfortable.

 

I do think it's good to express anger as opposed to bottling it up or never being "allowed" to be angry.

 

Iiwm, I would talk to a child quietly or away from the group for a quick "I hear you" and them we'd move on, kwim?

 

Dwelling on a negative isn't good for the upset child either, imho.

This.

[wendyroo]

I don't allow incessant whining and complaining.  It is fine to express genuine frustration and upset, and I try to really focus on the child for a moment to hear their point of view, but then it is time to move on before it devolves into a misery-loves-company mindset of upsetting the whole group and dwelling on the disappointment.

 

I don't try to get the child to stop talking, but I do explain to the child that I cannot allow him to take out his bad mood on the rest of the group, so if he is not yet ready to move beyond the disappointment and start to enjoy other available activities then he and I will just have to sit in the car/take a break on a bench/go home/etc.  Sometimes that behavior is a direct result of the child being over tired, over stimulated, hungry, etc so I take steps to remedy the underlying issue.

 

Also, I have found with both my autistic son and with my neurotypical kids, that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  Days before going somewhere like a water park, I would have started the conversation about what it would be like, how the children would be expected to behave and possible disappointments such as age/height/weight limits.  We would have looked at the website together to get a feel for the layout, the crowds, the rides and the restrictions which are often detailed on the site. 

 

Wendy

[Guest]

This doesn't sound like a big deal and the family member should probably just mind her own business. However, there have been times I have gotten on a kid's level, held their hands and said, "i know it's disappointing and I'm sorry; it stinks. But it's time to get over it. Let's have fun doing the things we are able to do and stop worrying about the things we can't."

 

I would also be happy he was doing better than in the past, though.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't see the big deal.  Both of my kids talk a lot.  Sometimes I'm just sort of in zone out mode.  I just tell them that.  "I'm only half listening at the moment because I'm driving, tired, etc."  They don't mind. 

 

Maybe your relative is in the "children should be seen but not heard" camp.   Bless their heart.. :laugh:

[Valley Girl]

People who say that they "would never allow their child to act like that" aren't worth it. They have demonstrated rudeness and disrespect both to the parents and to the child. They are also usually full of themselves AND full of it.

 

Yes! And chances are, they've never actually had to deal with a child who has challenges. You're seeing success in your DS's behavior. That's fabulous! You're doing something right. A previous poster's suggestion to respond with "We're working on it" should help shut rude relative down.

[gardenmom5]

People who say that they "would never allow their child to act like that" aren't worth it. They have demonstrated rudeness and disrespect both to the parents and to the child. They are also usually full of themselves AND full of it.

 

this.

they likely also have young children (or a really easy one) and haven't had much parenting experience.

I roll my eyes. 

 

I have an aspie who is  . . a handful at times.  in the past, I've had a few mothers of YOUNG children repeatedly tell me what I was doing wrong/needed to do . . . did I mention when he was born, I already had two IN college? big. huge. eyeroll.

 

bless their little hearts.

 

 

those who really think they can control their children . . . ( :smilielol5: ),  unless they're so narcisstic they engage in malevolent manipulation. . children aren't a blank slate, and they DO come with their own personalities.  only extremely naive and inexperienced idiots think otherwise. (including so-called 'experts'.)  and  some kids. . will give the best parents in the world a run for their money.

 

eta: OP - recognize the growth, and you have evidence that he has made progress.  dudling used to melt down if strangers talked to him. . . we took him to shakespeare in the park (which he complained about - but he watched it.).  before it started, one of the actors was going through the crowd looking for kids to be fairies at the pertinent time.  even a year ago, his response  would have been over-the-top.  this time, much more controlled and appropriate - now we can work on "polite".

Edited July 18, 2016 by gardenmom5

[SparklyUnicorn]

this.

they likely also have young children (or a really easy one) and haven't had much parenting experience.

I roll my eyes. 

 

I have an aspie who is  . . a handful at times.  in the past, I've had a few mothers of YOUNG children repeatedly tell me what I was doing wrong/needed to do . . . did I mention when he was born, I already had two IN college? big. huge. eyeroll.

 

bless their little hearts.

 

 

those who really think they can control their children . . . ( :smilielol5: ),  unless they're so narcisstic they engage in malevolent manipulation. . children aren't a blank slate, and they DO come with their own personalities.  only extremely naive and inexperienced idiots think otherwise. (including so-called 'experts'.)  and  some kids. . will give the best parents in the world a run for their money.

 

That or they had very quiet kids or they haven't had little kids in a zillion years and forgot those details.

 

Once went to a restaurant in Germany and had a woman flip out because our baby was fussing.  He had bad colicky and it was very challenging, but I took him outside if he got loud.  I attended to it as best I could.  We made sure to go to a restaurant that was at a time that wasn't too obnoxious (you know not Friday night date night or something...like an odd time after lunch during the week).  It was awful, but she was yelling about why we couldn't make him shut up. 

 

At least the owner of the restaurant sided with us and I just thought to myself, "I'll never see this person again."  : / 

[gardenmom5]

Yes! And chances are, they've never actually had to deal with a child who has challenges. You're seeing success in your DS's behavior. That's fabulous! You're doing something right. A previous poster's suggestion to respond with "We're working on it" should help shut rude relative down.

 

maybe, or maybe NOT.  I ended up having to share far more about dudeling with dh's relatives than I would have liked 'just to shut them up'.  it still took months, and there are still "episodes".  though one young mother started really coming to me for advice (and NOT her mother-in-law, who lives here.)

[KungFuPanda]

I had an excessive complainer. It IS annoying. I'm not sure my son would have learned other ways of coping of we'd just let him repeat his complaints over and over again. It's just one of those little discipline problems you have to deal with so it doesn't become a worse and more ingrained habit. The relative probably shouldn't have said anything, because then you're coping with TWO complainers. However, if the OP just tuned him out and let him go on like a broken record I could see how the relative might snap and say something. One comment is certainly easier to listen to than non-stop whining.

 

I think it's healthy and ok to express your feelings, but it's not ok to torture your family and innocent bystanders by repeating you grievance ore than two or three times. Letting things go is a life skill. Having compassion for your listeners is a life skill. Knowing you don't have a right to make others miserable because you are unhappy is important. Not everyone gets that without direct instruction. I know six was a rough age for my own son. I'm sure we were a public nuisance more than once. It took time and consistency for him to get it. Even though DS was very immature for his age, he had this particular behavior under control by the time he was 8. He'll never be able to play poker because you KNOW what he's thinking, but he's no longer verbally assaulting people's ears.

[Mimm]

So, one of my family members said she would never allow one of her kids to act like that. What does that mean? How can you get a kid to stop talking?

 

 

People are always saying they "would never allow" such behavior. As if you're wanting your child to act that way. What does "not allowing" it look like? Were you supposed to punish him? How? What if those punishments didn't work and he continued doing it? Were you supposed to spank him? What if those spankings didn't work? What if all your "not allowing it" escalated into a huge tantrum? Would those oh-so-helpful people then "not allow" the public tantrum? How would they go about not allowing that?

 

It's the least helpful thing you can possibly say. It's utterly meaningless as far as any real actions that could be taken to help the situation, yet dripping in judgement about what you, the parent, are doing wrong. Clearly he only does this because you allow it, and if you just decided to not allow it, the problem would be solved. How simple! Why didn't you think of that, right?

 

Presumably, you're working with him on this. You've already seen improvements. That's really all that matters.

[lanalouwho]

Oh my goodness. He's 6. He probably genuinely doesn't understand why he's not allowed on that ride. Height & weight safety requirements are very arbitrary and seem silly to kids. I wouldn't stress over him expressing disappointment. If he had made a scene, that would be a different story.

 

Sent from my HTCD200LVW using Tapatalk

[fairfarmhand]

Other than Duct tape, no. There's not a good solution.

 

For my extreme talker, he usually needs me to sit down in a quiet place and really HEAR him. Eyeball to eyeball listen to his concerns for five or ten minutes. I usually preface it by saying "I see you need to talk this out. Here's your chance. I'm all ears. But after this time, we have to move on."

 

Then after he's had his piece, I say, "Now, I hear you. It does seem unfair but that's just the way it is. It's ALSO unfair for you to subject your whole family to griping about it. It's not pleasant to hear someone constantly complain about things that can't be changed. Now that I've heard you out, we need to think of some other things to talk about. ANd I won't let you ruin everyone else's good time with constant griping. If you can drop the subject, we'll rejoin the group. If it's going to be too hard, we can sit here in the shade and you can continue to complain. Your choice on how you want to spend the day, sitting around complaining or rejoining the fun."

 

This is what he needs to be heard and then a gentle nudge to move on.

[Rachel]

It sounds like the aunt was not minding her own business and like your son has improved a lot. 6 year olds are still pretty young.

 

With my own kids, if this behavior was bothering me, I would say something like "Hey, I understand your frustration. That's the rule and we need to respect it. I need a break, can we talk about this later?" It doesn't always work and sometimes you can tell a kid just needs to vent.

 

If that wouldn't work for you, maybe set a timer on your phone and give him 5 minutes to get it all out, then request quiet. Later you could help him write a complaint to the company.

[wendyroo]

I had an excessive complainer. It IS annoying. I'm not sure my son would have learned other ways of coping of we'd just let him repeat his complaints over and over again. It's just one of those little discipline problems you have to deal with so it doesn't become a worse and more ingrained habit. The relative probably shouldn't have said anything, because then you're coping with TWO complainers. However, if the OP just tuned him out and let him go on like a broken record I could see how the relative might snap and say something. One comment is certainly easier to listen to than non-stop whining.

 

I think it's healthy and ok to express your feelings, but it's not ok to torture your family and innocent bystanders by repeating you grievance ore than two or three times. Letting things go is a life skill. Having compassion for your listeners is a life skill. Knowing you don't have a right to make others miserable because you are unhappy is important. Not everyone gets that without direct instruction. I know six was a rough age for my own son. I'm sure we were a public nuisance more than once. It took time and consistency for him to get it. Even though DS was very immature for his age, he had this particular behavior under control by the time he was 8. He'll never be able to play poker because you KNOW what he's thinking, but he's no longer verbally assaulting people's ears.

 

I agree with all of this.  

 

I also think the issue is even more annoying if there are other kids (especially non-siblings) in the group.  Whining can be contagious...it's why my kids are not allowed to watch Dinosaur Train or Caillou...and I would be very frustrated if my children repeatedly witnessed a friend or cousin being allowed to be whiny and complaining without at least a gentle correction and eventually being removed from the situation if the whining continued unabated.

 

Wendy  

[zoobie]

Huh. I guess he inherited this from the rude relative's side of the family, eh? ;)

 

My oldest was/is excessively verbal. 6 was the peak of it (so far, knock wood). They're making huge developmental leaps at that age, and the verbal kids process everything out loud. I would get down on her level and give her some empathy. Yes, this sucks. Then ask if it's going to ruin the whole day and she needs to leave, or if she can take a deep breath and move on. Depending on how mired down she was, it would be time to leave or take a break. We also prepped her beforehand with a little pep talk in the parking lot. Things aren't always going to go our way. Are you going to get stuck in the negatives? When she got a little older, I was able to talk to her (not in the heat of the moment) that hey, the tirade of complaints about something I've planned, paid for, and tried to make fun for the family makes me not want to do this again. Would you rather stay home the next time I plan an outing? 

 

https://www.amazon.com/What-When-You-Grumble-Much/dp/1591474507/ that book is helpful, along with the one about worrying too much. For my DD part of it is anxiety-based. She doesn't like unfamiliar situations and negative events make her more anxious.

[lovinmyboys]

People are always saying they "would never allow" such behavior. As if you're wanting your child to act that way. What does "not allowing" it look like? Were you supposed to punish him? How? What if those punishments didn't work and he continued doing it? Were you supposed to spank him? What if those spankings didn't work? What if all your "not allowing it" escalated into a huge tantrum? Would those oh-so-helpful people then "not allow" the public tantrum? How would they go about not allowing that?

This is exactly what I was thinking. What do people actually do to stop it that doesn't escalate it. I could have threatened punishments but that would have made him more mad and likely escalated it. I was there by myself with 4 kids at a water park so it would have been difficult to take him elsewhere by himself.

 

To clarify, he was mad talking-not whining. He wasn't yelling, but his tone and body language made it clear he was angry. It was loud at both places he had his meltdowns so I don't think he was really bothering anyone. Like I said, he wasn't talking loud, but he definitely has a "tone."

 

To be fair, if I didn't have this child I might think things like I would never let my child do that (I hope I wouldn't say it). My first two kids are pretty average and my littlest is so easy. I could tell them they weren't behaving appropriately and they would likely knock it off. This little guy-I don't know how to describe him. I guess I will just say that I cannot "make" him stop talking. It's more like I have to work on things over time. In the moment I feel like if he isn't hurting anyone or anything I have to let a lot of not great behavior go.

 

I do appreciate everyone's perspective and ideas.

Edited July 18, 2016 by lovinmyboys

[J-rap]

It sounds like he has come a long way, but of course outsiders would have no idea.  Also, it seems very rude that someone would say that to you (even if they were thinking it).  I would just stick to the path you're on and try and shut out the rude comments.

 

As far as people even thinking those thoughts (without actually saying them), I don't agree that those people are necessarily full of themselves.  They are probably just ignorant.

 

I have one dd who talks non-stop!  I actually appreciate it because I always know what she is thinking!  

Edited July 18, 2016 by J-rap

[SparklyUnicorn]

Well and he is 6.  I doubt he'll act exactly the same way 10 years from now. 

 

I hate when people tell me how to parent.  Buzz off is what I want to tell them.

 

 

[gardenmom5]

This is exactly what I was thinking. What do people actually do to stop it that doesn't escalate it. I could have threatened punishments but that would have made him more mad and likely escalated it. I was there by myself with 4 kids at a water park so it would have been difficult to take him elsewhere by himself.

 

To clarify, he was mad talking-not whining. He wasn't yelling, but his tone and body language made it clear he was angry. It was loud at both places he had his meltdowns so I don't think he was really bothering anyone. Like I said, he wasn't talking loud, but he definitely has a "tone."

 

To be fair, if I didn't have this child I might think things like I would never let my child do that (I hope I wouldn't say it). My first two kids are pretty average and my littlest is so easy. I could tell them they weren't behaving appropriately and they would likely knock it off. This little guy-I don't know how to describe him. I guess I will just say that I cannot "make" him stop talking. It's more like I have to work on things over time. In the moment I feel like if he isn't hurting anyone or anything I have to let a lot of not great behavior go.

 

I do appreciate everyone's perspective and ideas.

 

with dudeling - there have been times I've had to be so blunt about expectations of behavior *I* am uncomfortable. it would remind me of my grandmother's lectures (she was controlling.)  but that is what it takes to register with him.  I try to phrase it in as positive as way as possible, but it is still excruciatingly blunt.  anything less, he's oblivious.  but aspies are often socially clueless. . . .

[happi duck]

If I feel wronged I talk about it.

 

What I want is for dh to listen to me and agree with me ;) and *help me get off that train of thought*.

 

What dh often does is *just* listens and I ramp up and up. Ramping up is terrible for me. I doubt it's healthy for anyone.

 

Even without being able to take a child aside I think you can quietly speak to them to acknowledge their feelings and encourage moving on. Ime it's better for the upset person.

[Wabi Sabi]

This is NOT the case in the OP's issue, but sometimes I think that people just want to see you trying something, anything. 

I made the mistake once of carpooling with my sister and two children on a cross-country trip to visit relatives. Her girls, who were admittedly quite young, would not stop talking. I don't expect young children to sit in silence, but there were several times during the drive that we were driving through storms or other stressful situations, and the girls just kept yelling louder (not in fear or being upset, just very exuberant and wanting their mother's attention.)  I was miserable and my kids were just as unhappy- the non stop noise was just so unpleasant. I begged my sister to please do something: to talk to them, to sit with them for a little while so they would stop yelling for her, to ask them to be quiet for a few minutes. She just shrugged and did the whole, "Oh, come on now, how am I supposed to make them stop talking?" thing. She never even made an attempt to ask them to keep it down or be quiet for a few minutes. Perhaps asking them to be quiet for a few minutes would've been futile, but how would we know since she couldn't be bothered to even try and didn't seem to think that it was even reasonable to ask of them? At that point I was so stressed out that I just wanted to see her try make the situation better. A good faith effort. Something. Anything! 

Needless to say, I won't be offering to drive them 1,000 miles across the country and then 1,000 miles back home again anytime soon.

[FriedClams]

I may be destroyed for this, but sometimes outsiders can give us a perspective on our kids if we're willing to listen. Yes, asking for input is preferred, but sometimes they have valid (if poorly delivered) points.

 

I am of the "take them aside, acknowledge their need to be heard, then move on" camp. I do think kids need to learn (slowly and age appropriately) "there's a time and a place" for everything. Yes, they need to be heard, but social grace is important.

 

It sounds like you have a great handle on this specify issue and your child is making strides. I know people can catch us of guard, but "I totally hear you. We've been working on it and I'm so proud of how far Junior has come. You should have seen us six months ago. He's really doing an awesome job." would be appropriate IMHO.

 

Again, I wouldn't throw out input because of delivery, but I do think in this case you've got it handled.

[LucyStoner]

If I feel wronged I talk about it.

 

What I want is for dh to listen to me and agree with me ;) and *help me get off that train of thought*.

 

What dh often does is *just* listens and I ramp up and up. Ramping up is terrible for me. I doubt it's healthy for anyone.

 

Even without being able to take a child aside I think you can quietly speak to them to acknowledge their feelings and encourage moving on. Ime it's better for the upset person.

Yes but talking to them and helping them shift their thinking or move on to the next thing isn't "not allowing them to behave that way." We spent a lot of time helping them both "keep small problems small" etc. I talk to and help guide my kids to let go and move on but I am quite willing to admit that what they do has very little to do with what "I allow." it has far more to do with their skill level and state of mind. I can help them let go and move on but I can't just force them to stop or prohibit them from having unpleasant reactions to things. For one, I need them to be able to learn to self regulate even when I am not around to "allow" or "not allow" things and two, it's a complete fiction that I can control them. They are people, they control themselves. The best I can do is control myself, model good anger management/letting things go, and to help them grow and mature.

[LucyStoner]

It's kind of like this.

 

I walk into my brother's home and his living room and kitchen are generally messy. Sometimes too messy to find a chair to sit in, a place to chop a tomato for dinner or a flat surface on which to set something (floor included).

 

I think we'd all agree that it would be rude as heck for me to announce "I would never allow my home to look like this." And he actually does have full control of how he keeps his house.

 

Yet somehow it's ok for me to make a similar comment about his daughters? I don't think so. How snotty would commenting on his home be? Pretty snotty. But it would not be snotty when it's about something far more important like his girls and how he parents them? What? That doesn't compute for me.

 

I can and have said, because I know it's ok in our relationship "would you like me to help you clean the kitchen?" much the same way I might offer him help with my nieces if he was overwhelmed or needed an extra set of hands.

 

Offering help or having a positive interaction with my nieces would always be more loving and appropriate than disparaging him relative to what "I allow". The aunt could have told a story to the boy about a time she was in a similar situation or disappointed. Or tried to help him get excited about a ride he was tall enough for. Or any number of other things. There are ways to offer input free of self righteous criticism. Inherent in "I would never let my kids do that" is that a person saying that feels they are somehow superior. Even if it is somehow non-judgmental (and I've never seen that), it's too general of feedback to be remotely constructive.

Edited July 18, 2016 by LucyStoner

[wendyroo]

Yes but talking to them and helping them shift their thinking or move on to the next thing isn't "not allowing them to behave that way." We spent a lot of time helping them both "keep small problems small" etc. I talk to and help guide my kids to let go and move on but I am quite willing to admit that what they do has very little to do with what "I allow." it has far more to do with their skill level and state of mind. I can help them let go and move on but I can't just force them to stop or prohibit them from having unpleasant reactions to things. For one, I need them to be able to learn to self regulate even when I am not around to "allow" or "not allow" things and two, it's a complete fiction that I can control them. They are people, they control themselves. The best I can do is control myself, model good anger management/letting things go, and to help them grow and mature.

 

Sometimes, when that type of sentiment is expressed, I think there are some unspoken codicils:  "I would never allow that behavior"...to continue uncorrected in this type of location while with a group.  

 

It still is rude and presumptuous to say so, and it may be complete BS, but it moves the statement away from "I believe I have complete control over my child" and toward "I believe in Get Off Your Butt Parenting and enforcing boundaries that I feel are important".

 

My family went to dinner once with my BIL, SIL and their three kids who are all older than mine.  Their kids decided to hang out under the restaurant table banging into legs, stepping on feet and making a ruckus that was disturbing nearby tables.  My SIL asked me why my kids were not joining the fun and I simply said that we did not allow that.  I did not mean that my kids were angels who had never tried to go under the table.  I simply meant that DH and I do not allow our children to play under restaurant tables and that if necessary we would take gentle, yet firm steps to prevent a child from doing so even if that meant our whole family had to leave the restaurant.

 

Wendy

[LucyStoner]

Sometimes, when that type of sentiment is expressed, I think there are some unspoken codicils: "I would never allow that behavior"...to continue uncorrected in this type of location while with a group.

 

It still is rude and presumptuous to say so, and it may be complete BS, but it moves the statement away from "I believe I have complete control over my child" and toward "I believe in Get Off Your Butt Parenting and enforcing boundaries that I feel are important".

 

My family went to dinner once with my BIL, SIL and their three kids who are all older than mine. Their kids decided to hang out under the restaurant table banging into legs, stepping on feet and making a ruckus that was disturbing nearby tables. My SIL asked me why my kids were not joining the fun and I simply said that we did not allow that. I did not mean that my kids were angels who had never tried to go under the table. I simply meant that DH and I do not allow our children to play under restaurant tables and that if necessary we would take gentle, yet firm steps to prevent a child from doing so even if that meant our whole family had to leave the restaurant.

 

Wendy

In that instance you were asked why and it's reasonable to answer. its not something we do is not a snotty answer to a direct question.

 

As I have never heard this particular zinger when I wasn't already very much off my butt and dealing with my child's reaction or situation, I'm uninclined to believe it is something people only or primarily say to parents they regard as not dealing with the situation.

 

On second thought I have heard this sentiment when I wasn't correcting/guiding my sons because I have also heard it when someone took issue with a total non-issue and there was no reason for me to do anything. Like my son not wearing shoes at the park or my son reading instead of watching the baseball game at the ballpark or another son deciding to take a break on a family/friend camping trip. Not everything someone feels the need to express about a child is in fact actually a problem.

Edited July 18, 2016 by LucyStoner

[SparklyUnicorn]

I may be destroyed for this, but sometimes outsiders can give us a perspective on our kids if we're willing to listen. Yes, asking for input is preferred, but sometimes they have valid (if poorly delivered) points.

 

I am of the "take them aside, acknowledge their need to be heard, then move on" camp. I do think kids need to learn (slowly and age appropriately) "there's a time and a place" for everything. Yes, they need to be heard, but social grace is important.

 

It sounds like you have a great handle on this specify issue and your child is making strides. I know people can catch us of guard, but "I totally hear you. We've been working on it and I'm so proud of how far Junior has come. You should have seen us six months ago. He's really doing an awesome job." would be appropriate IMHO.

 

Again, I wouldn't throw out input because of delivery, but I do think in this case you've got it handled.

 

No, I think that is fair.  I think it also depends on how often the person sees the kid or how well they know them.  Seeing someone in an unusual context once in awhile to me isn't good enough to judge that, but if that is not the case then ok.

 

 

[Barb_]

Your aunt was out of line. And it's good that you've made progress, but since you've asked what, specifically I would say to stop the whining, here's how I would handle it.

 

"Yeah, I agree that really stinks. If it were me I'd be annoyed too. It's time to move on now so that we don't put a black cloud over everyone's day. Who wants to grab some popcorn?"

 

Then if he continued the whining I would say something like, "How you feel is your business. You don't have to be happy about it. But how you act is everyone else's business. You may not punish the rest of the family for your unhappiness today. You've said your piece. If you feel the need to continue then you and I will go sit on a bench so you can stew about while everyone else goes on ahead of us. Would you rather have fun or sit and stew?" Then follow through. He may need to stew a while lol. But I wouldn't allow him to return to the group until he's gotten it out of his system.

[Barb_]

Also, contrary to common belief, "venting" doesn't release anger. Complaining, commiserating, and going on about how angry you are just increases anger. Talking things through to find a solution or crying on someone's shoulder for emotional support is totally different.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/high-octane-women/201102/feel-venting-you-may-want-think-again-literally

[katilac]

 

  If you feel the need to continue then you and I will go sit on a bench so you can stew about while everyone else goes on ahead of us.  

 

That's great if you're able to pull it off, but OP said she was at the water park with four kids. 

 

The other ways you suggested handling it often work well, but some kids are tougher than others - and keep in mind that the "mad talking" is great progress for him. Sometimes it backfires to not accept a solid effort that shows they are working on it, kwim? Like if my kid was failing a class and then brought the grade up to a C- with hard work, I wouldn't pick that moment to say that only a B or above shows true mastery. 

[Barb_]

That's great if you're able to pull it off, but OP said she was at the water park with four kids.

 

The other ways you suggested handling it often work well, but some kids are tougher than others - and keep in mind that the "mad talking" is great progress for him. Sometimes it backfires to not accept a solid effort that shows they are working on it, kwim? Like if my kid was failing a class and then brought the grade up to a C- with hard work, I wouldn't pick that moment to say that only a B or above shows true mastery.

I totally get that because I have one of these. The op asked more than once, "HOW would you get a kid to stop talking," otherwise I wouldn't have responded with what has worked for us. YMMV, of course.

 

As for the four other kids, I never travel without a crowd, so I'm familiar with that too. However, I was under the impression that there were more adults there than just herself, so it would be possible to send everyone on ahead. Not as a punishment, but as a way to pull himself together before rejoining the family.

[katilac]

 However, I was under the impression that there were more adults there than just herself, so it would be possible to send everyone on ahead. Not as a punishment, but as a way to pull himself together before rejoining the family.

 

I agree that it would not be a punishment for him, but the other adult might consider it a punishment to to go on ahead with 3 extra kids, lol. 

[Shred Betty]

I agree that it would not be a punishment for him, but the other adult might consider it a punishment to to go on ahead with 3 extra kids, lol.

Which would have been totally appropriate, considering the comments by Auntie as well as showing you are trying something LOL