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So, DS 7 (almost 8) has a tough time being corrected by me without getting frustrated. Or, I have a tough time correcting him without getting him frustrated. We have books we've read about frustration. I try to model good habits when I'm frustrated (saying I need a time out or taking a break or deep breathing). It doesn't matter the subject matter, if I correct during work, afterwards, or stop a lesson to teach differently. DS hates to make mistakes and hates to get things wrong and I've talked about that too and emphasize working hard and making mistakes being good to learn.

I try to be positive, but that usually doesn't work. Correcting in a silly voice will work but I honestly can't do that all the time. Others correcting him (piano teacher, karate, OT, etc), he's usually okay with.

 

Any tips on how to improve my corrections or help DS with this? It frustrates me to no end as well because he'll make faces and noises that push my buttons. Then school work needs a time out, etc. Public school won't fix this because we'll still have to after school and do homework. It's been worse over the summer because DS feels upset anyway that we do any minimal work over the summer, despite needing to.

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Our behaviorist said she puts ds in motion (movement) any time she has to do something that will make him feel stressed like confronting.  I've started doing it, and it definitely works for him.  So she'll put him in a swing or something.  I played tennis, bouncing the ball back and forth.  I don't know why it works, but it does.

 

I'm rereading here.  Are we talking inappropriate behavior or melting down when confronted or both?  Because for the self-regulation while being confronted, yes the movement is what we're doing that works.  For inappropriate behavior where maybe he's getting silly (yellow zone in Zones of Regulation), not so much a timeout but maybe anticipating that, seeing what was coming before, and shortening the sessions and bringing in more breaks to keep him more regulated and heading it off.  My ds needs a lot more breaks than you would think necessary.  Like in a 3 hour tutoring session, they'll do an hour of breaks.  LOTS of breaks to keep him regulated.

 

You can also do something positive.  With my ds, movement breaks are big currency, very reinforcing.  So they'll reward him with MORE when he has appropriate target behavior.  Like we've been working on transitions, so if he has good behavior on transitions he earns an extra 10 minutes of break time.  And that break will still be together (soccer ball, that kind of thing), so it's still a learning break.  And it's not like he gets no break/movement reward time if he doesn't have appropriate transition behavior.  He just earns EXTRA.  So to me I'd keep it short, like we're going to work and if in our 30 min session you have appropriate behavior (follows the rules list you read), then he earns an EXTRA 5 minutes of whatever, so 15 instead of 10.  At least that's how it has been rolling around here.  

 

But it's true, my ds is wicked challenging to work with.  Just to say don't do it doesn't get us very far.  But you might post a list of rules for expected behavior, review them, reward following them, use some positive techniques. I thought it would be hard, but really my ds' currency is simple.  It was more a matter of figuring out what that currency was than anything.

Edited by OhElizabeth
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Do you think he's doing it to get a break or to get you to stop? He doesn't have to REALIZE that's the case. If this is what's happening, it could be as simple as him noticing that *something* works to take the heat off, so when you give an inch, he takes more without it being about a power struggle, etc. It also doesn't mean you are letting him get away with something, necessarily. It's just self-reinforcing in a way that makes it challenging to fix and so very easy to reinforce.

 

I think there are strategies for that kind of thing--like teaching him to request a break vs. forcing one (vs. giving him more breaks than he needs because you have to do something to get it to stop). Hopefully someone with some insight will respond.

 

My kiddo went through a phase of this a couple of years ago (maybe third grade). It was terrible. Breaks didn't work because then he wouldn't want to come back to the work. We had to kind of go ground zero on him over it (with help from our psychologist). I can tell you what we did, but I hink you might find behavioral strategies a better fit, and they are probably a better place to start, lol! I would not do what we did unless we'd tried it all (and we had tried all the strategies we knew at the time).

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My child with anxiety becomes very upset when he makes an error. It is hard not to be frustrated by the child's response, but try to condition yourself not to be. Then you can wait out any response from him and approach things in a a "let me help you through this" way. 

 

ETA: We also had to involve a therapist to assist. 

Edited by MomatHWTK
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I have an emotionally sensitive child who used to become GUTTED when "corrected" or told that he did something "wrong" etc.

 

I have learned to allow a day to pass before discussing how I feel about what happened or letting him know what will happen if he does it again etc.  Clearly this won't work in EVERY situation and I am not sure if you are talking about correcting him as in behavior or correcting him as in school work?

 

But here is an example from a few years ago that it works for to show you what I mean - 2 years ago ds was at a friends house.  Friend got the neighbors BB gun and in fun used it to shoot at both MY ds and another boy that was there.

 

My ds never told me.  The other boy had a mark and hos parents saw and were pissed and called and there was a whole big situation.  I was almost 8 months before I heard of it and ironically it was his teacher who told me and assumed I knew the story because as she understood my ds was shot also.

 

I had a million questions for my ds and his story was that it was not his buddy who shot him but the neighbor kid who owns the gun.  So way late to the game I get the story from the parents (that is a whole nother story and I was pissed that no one ever mentioned it to me) and they gave me the REAL story and how it was in fact their son who shot the two kids and that my son was "just being a good friend" and covering for his buddy.

 

I wanted to rip them all a new one.  I wanted to punish my son for lying etc.  Instead I told him that I knew that he lied to me and that his friend did in fact shoot him and that we would discuss it later.  So he cried and wailed about how dumb he is and how he hates himself etc etc.  And I just supported him and talked him down and reassured him that he just made some poor choices.

 

A few days later I brought it up again and slightly scratched the surface of how he lied and that it could have caused problems and let him digest that.  No tears.   A few days later I brought it up and elaborated on how dangerous it was too play with guns etc.  Then I went on to discuss lying and me needing to know I could trust him etc.  I also let him know that the next time there would be XYZ consequences.

 

This was a technique that was suggested by the school guidance counselor who has also witnessed my sons extreme reactions to getting into "trouble" at school.  Literally one day three boys were chatting when they shouldn't be and the teacher asked them to stop and my ds was devastated.  Sobbing unable to bounce back from it.  He had to be redirected and taken from the class to calm down!

 

She said the point is for kids to LEARN and you need to have them in the head space where they can hear what is being said not just reacting to it.  This worked for us and now it is unnecessary for the most part.

 

 

 

 

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Thanks for the feedback. We will be seeing a child psych so I think I should ask about behavioral therapy too, if it would help.

 

DS tends to have perfectionist (so?) tendencies, plus with the LD it can be a problem. I'm referring to corrections with school as well as social situations. In the future I'll write down the social corrections and bring them up in the future. School work feedback needs to happen immediately though.

 

I tried to ferret out the cause of the frustration, but I'm still gathering info. One cause, for piano, is that DS thought I was correcting him wrong (that I was wrong to say he was playing the wrong notes). So, um, yeah. We talked about that! :)

 

Another is during reading. Because of the vision and dyslexia this must be corrected immediately. He said I was interrupting him. So I think I'll trace my finger under and just pause my finger for corrections.

 

He is not mean or nasty when frustrated. He used to be super dramatic but now has a decreased moan/groan, breathing heavy, or facial behavior. It is not horrible but enough that if it's happening in public school it will be a problem.

 

I think he wants the summer off, and when we have a three or four day weekend it's "torture" to come back to any type of work. I have decreased work load to half of what I wanted to accomplish so far this summer. I walk out of the room when I'm frustrated, and it's a random event of school stopping for the day because of this. He has a ton of breaks during school work, but we are getting a lot less exercise because of the heat, so that's probably contributing.

 

One day at a time!!

Edited by displace
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My younger son does this, as well. He always has, even when he was a preschooler. He gets defensive to the point of refusing to listen and try again. He shuts down. He argues. He cries. A switch seems to flip off, so that he becomes paralyzed in his thinking and unable to move on. We have not been able to conquer it, and it affected our ability to accomplish his schoolwork and our relationship. It got to the point that he just seemed to reject having me teach him anything. Giving him even simple instructions would trigger his reactions.

 

We did choose to enroll him in school. It has helped our relationship a lot for me not to be his primary teacher any more, and he was able to hold himself together more in the classroom. Not 100% of the time, and we had some conversations with his teacher about it when it popped up at school.  We are waiting for a NP appointment to help us sort out what might be the source. I'm sure that anxiety and perfectionism are part of it, but I suspect there may be more in his case.

 

Homework was still an issue, but that was for an hour or less (usually less) per day, whereas in homeschooling, the problem was pervasive. Being in school was a definite improvement.

 

Honestly, this issue has been harder to deal with in homeschooling than the LDs and other issues my other kids have.

Edited by Storygirl
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My DS 12/does this exact thing. I have done what OhE mentioned, bribery, I mean rewards lol. If he doesn't do those things ir at least tempera it, he gets more break time .

I also do EVERYDAY even if it's only an hour of school, a reward at the end of the day for doing school good,and lots of praise.

This has worked very well with him.

Also, again what OhE mentioned, have them "do" something. Every child is diff bu the movement in anyway seems to be helpful.

For my guy it's being able to tap his pencil on the table ( drives mom nuts! Lol) then, during the break, he gets to dig holes and pound things on the ground like a board or pound a nail and hammer into a board outside .

We have a "OT" sections set up outside. Of course they don't see it as OT, they see it as play.

We have the flat swing hung from a large oak tree outside and thwy push each other on it like they are flying. Loads of fun for them and they are....self OT'ING LOL

WIN WIN! :)

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I think for some kids my dd is particular (she also has an LD SPD Dyspraxia and some vision/hearing issues) it is honestly just SO FRUSTRATING to have it pointed out how many "mistakes" you are making.  I get it.  I can't imagine how depressing it would be to have every thing you attempt be corrected.  Piano, math, reading, spelling on and on not to mention just how much as parents we are on them about brushing their teeth, forgetting gym shoes, forgetting to bring home an assignment.

 

I know you said that when it comes to homework you need to correct him immediately...but maybe you don't?  Maybe if the task is piano you could just let him "piano" and when the session is over rave about how well he did with xyz and then point out that you also noticed that he made a few mistakes and where and tell him to keep that in mind for the next time.  Then prior to the next session remind him of what he was going to work on.  Maybe provide feedback in one conversation?

 

Same with school work.  I have come to realize that my dd's LD means that we need to accommodate her brain.  She is NEVER going to read without skipping words.  Unless it is math (where every word has impact) then we allow her to skip words.  She usually pieces it all together effortlessly (which is a necessary skill) on the off chance that she says "That doesn't even make sense?!?!" after she reads something I usually say "Well I noticed you skipped a few words in this sentence...read it again and see if that helps".

 

I dunno...it's hard to find the balance.  But I saw a poster once that said "Never put your child's grades above their mental health" and it stuck with me.  If he is getting corrected more than the average kid (as is expected with our kiddos) and it is causing him to lash out...than maybe the priority should be on stabilizing his emotions and self esteem and saving some of the corrections for later?

 

 

Edited by mermaid'smom
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Mermaids mom, your so right . I go back n forth on the skipping words issue. Gosh. Never thought of it that way. That sure is something we here can eliminate.

I bet that is one reason my DS 12 almost wants to cry when it comes to reading. Boy , this isn't my post, but I sure did need to hear that. Thanks :)

And youre right. I've noticed at times when moms simply too exhausted to correct that point , it's either minor enough they can still understand the text or, they realize it didn't make sense and go back and find their own mistake.

...needed...to ...hear this :)

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I feed my ds while he reads aloud.  I keep a bag of pistachios and shell them and feed him persistently.  It seems to help him stay more stable.  Now he *can* read without them, but I'm just saying he's more regulated with them, lol.  It might also give you something to do so you're not interrupting.  You seem to have a lot of musts like this must correct, must this or that.  I would kind of look at those, since they're creating conflict.  Maybe a different way?  Maybe they're not really a must?  Maybe hand signals or a flag or withholding the pistachios?  Maybe a Staples Easy Button?  I SO want one of those, lol.  So then when he reads the word incorrectly you slap the Staples That was Easy! button and work through it.  

 

There just aren't a lot of musts.  There are a lot of things we THINK are musts.  

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Mermaid, given that you just got your dd diagnosed with retained reflexes and developmental vision problems, I wouldn't assume she'll NEVER read without skipping words.  It's not essential to skip words just because one is dyslexic.  So far as we know, my ds does not currently have developmental vision problems, and he doesn't skip words in spite of his doubled down, confirmed last night by the tutor dyslexia diagnosis.  In fact, I would assume just the opposite, that your dd is skipping words because her physical problems are affecting her eye movements.  They should improve dramatically with the therapy.  

 

You could even get radical and stop all reading aloud and just go to immersion reading and audiobooks till after VT.  Or increase the size of the font.

Edited by OhElizabeth
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Displace, breaks are my ds' currency, but break here is codeword for movement, sensory input.  So it might be playing soccer, doing a sensory activity, something with movement.  He just has a lot of motion, so that's his currency.  I agree it's challenging to sort out where you need to keep him more stable, where rewards/motivators can help.  Usually what they do is plug in the amount it takes to get him stable and then *slightly stretch* those sessions.  But if it takes like 5 minutes on, 5 minutes together break, that's where you could start.  Whatever it takes.  

 

You've done tons of OT stuff, yes?  BalavisX, S'cool Moves, anything like that?  Are you doing Mindfulness?  Considered ADHD meds?

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Hahaha. OhE. The pistachios struck me as very funny. Laughed out loud bout it.

I needed a laugh :) thanks.

That's too cute.

I'm gonna try it too. DS gets so hyperfocuses when reading, idk if he will go for it but, never hurts to try .

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Mermaid, given that you just got your dd diagnosed with retained reflexes and developmental vision problems, I wouldn't assume she'll NEVER read without skipping words.  It's not essential to skip words just because one is dyslexic.  So far as we know, my ds does not currently have developmental vision problems, and he doesn't skip words in spite of his doubled down, confirmed last night by the tutor dyslexia diagnosis.  In fact, I would assume just the opposite, that your dd is skipping words because her physical problems are affecting her eye movements.  They should improve dramatically with the therapy.  

 

You could even get radical and stop all reading aloud and just go to immersion reading and audiobooks till after VT.  Or increase the size of the font.

 

We first had her assessed 13 months ago and knew her issues then we just decided to wait on the VT for a variety of reasons.  But yes I realize that with help (ie: VT) she may overcome this and if part of that plan includes me correcting her each time she skips a word I will happily.

 

I was just making a point that our kids are wired differently and sometimes we just need to learn to accept it and be ok with it so that they are ok with it.  If we keep holding them to the same bar as neuro-typical kids they will always feel like they come up short.

 

When we first started down this road - early on when things first started to "slide" with her.  I assumed it was laziness or disinterest and pushed her in ways I never would now.  When she would skip a word I would say "you skipped a word"  She would say she didn't I would insist no she really did.  She would start to get frustrated.  I would ask her to reread and she would skip the same word.  I would tell her.  She would get more frustrated.  I would get more frustrated.  Eventually I would be using my finger under EVERY word in some dramatic fashion until she FINALLY read some invisible word.  Her face would fall.  In the end she was miserable and felt less than and I was miserable and frustrated.  Nobody won.

 

Now if she misses I say - Oh you missed a word.  I just say - it should say "blah blah blah".  It's a gimme.  I can't "correct" her disabilities away - if I could I would have years ago when I corrected her with EVERY skipped word. 

 

This child of mine confuses everything. LOL! She reads recipes wrong, she reads time wrong, she reads directions wrong, she forgets to put her wet bathing suit in the sink.  If I fought against the way her brain works and tried to "correct" all of this out of her she will never feel good about herself.  In fact sometimes when she bakes in the kitchen and it doesn't turn out I say - Oh I think I set the oven to the wrong temp - my bad!  I used to say "how much water did you add? Did you remember the eggs??  Looking to show her how she screwed it up.  Now - meh who cares! 

Edited by mermaid'smom
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Your DS sounds like he gets a lot of anxiety from making mistakes. He hates the feeling, so he lashes out when you correct him. For reading in particular, do you think you can predict the words he'll struggle with? For the kids I teach, I can pretty well guess the words they'll get wrong. You could read over the passage/chapter beforehand and highlight the words you think will be hard - or write them on a piece of paper. Before you read, you could go over those words with him on a whiteboard. You could even call them something like Challenge Words or something, and make working on them a Big Awesome Deal with a Big Awesome Reward afterwards. He would grow accustomed to having this each day and then when he comes to the words in the reading passage, he won't get so frustrated. 

 

I agree with what others have said about constant correction. It must be so frustrating and unmotivating. Personally, I hardly do anything that I CAN'T do at least reasonably well.... if I can't do something, usually I don't do it!  I'm not forcing myself to learn a different language or how to do French cooking or high dive or anything like that. You could always experiment with a day (or morning, or hour) of no corrections and see what his mood is like, and then gently try a correction and see how it goes...

 

Good luck! This sounds really hard. As an aside, I used tutor and I saw this all the time... kids are always better behaved for someone else! And an outside person always has more patience because they only have to deal with the behavior for a couple hours a week, and then they go home and watch Netflix :)

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I had a similar situation, and I took it to heart about not letting kids make mistakes in reading.

 

I think that was very good advice at a very beginning level.

 

But then for some reading in sentences (maybe not reading only words) kids start to learn to use context clues to self-correct and go back and re-read a word.

 

So that was something that was a big change for me, but it is good. It is a big change in mindset and there is a lot written about not letting kids make mistakes, but at a certain point they will self-correct and learn to self-correct by practicing.

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I think sometimes when experts begin to claim that every child can be "fixed" they forget that our knowledge of the human brain is still very limited. And someone wholly focused on fixing may do more harm than good because of the damage their effort cause to the child's self-esteem. Everyone wants to be accepted. I doubt if anyone wants to feel that others perceive them as a project to fix. 

 

I want to help my child be his or her best. But I must be mindful that being his or her best is not the same as being like everyone else. 

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Kat, my ds is on the skinny side for his height, so I'm always trying to get good, dense food into him.  So there's an ulterior motive there using pistachios.  For another kid I might use bell pepper bits or frozen peas or something.  My ds actually needs the calories.  And yes, it's funny.  Glad you got a kick out of it.  :D

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