Supervision s/o from stealing thread

[Ausmumof3]

I know this sounds dumb but how do you handle a constant supervision required situation? Every now and then I realise some issues with my kids are really due to me wanting to hide away, zone out, do my own thing. So I go with an increase in same room time. This works well but sends me batty and over time I drift back into old habits.

 

How do you train yourself as an adult to actually be on all the time, even when you are tired, grumpy and stressed. How do you manage all the housework etc? I am finding it best if the kids are working with me, but if they all work with me it's crazy and my housework takes up more time than I feel like kids should be doing housework for. So sometimes I just grab one helper at a time.

 

This isn't a major issue for me right now, but I thought it might be helpful overall to share some strategies for dealing with being on all the time.

[Melissa in Australia]

In my family the twins are the ones that need supervision. just in the last 3 months they have settled down enough that they can be playing in the next room with checks every minute. =for up to 10 minutes then back to supervision. What I do is get either dd16 or dh to watch them for a few minutes while I go to the toilet or something like that. ds 12 will take them out to play on the trampoline for a few minutes each day  plus he takes one along when he does his chores. DH takes them for a min of 30 minutes a day for an outside activity.  When twins sibling was visiting they needed ( the three of them ) supervision that was a maximum of 2 metres at all times. it was very stressful to be so hyper-vigilant and the momentary lapses in my concentration were very evident in harmed animals and hurt child.

 

It is challenging at times. That is the reason that DHS is funding a housecleaner for me atm.

 

One thing that helps is having special activities that are only available at specific times. they can do them at the table while I am preparing a meal. we also save up tv time for when I am doing meal preparation ds12 watches cartoons with twins so he is loosely supervising them. In reality I couldn't do it without all the help from the rest of the family.

 

If a child ( twin) needs close supervision as a punishment then they have to be right by my leg, or if I am cooking ( and I have a wood combustion stove) they have to sit on a chair near me and watch.

[Carrie12345]

I just don't.

 

I mean, I do all of the standard things for a good part of the day, but not ALL day, EVERY day.  I'm guessing that if we had a *serious health or safety issue, I'd find some way to suck it up and do the 24/7 deal, but that doesn't happen to be the case here.

 

I have no problem admitting that I keep my expectations lower than some.  The kids are getting older, so my expectations are getting higher, but we've gone through having drawings on the walls, play doh in the carpet, toothpaste art in the bathroom, wet sugar crusted on the floor, broken toys, yadda yadda.  I've never liked any of those things, there have been consequences, and it's a pain in the butt overall, but it's not the end of the world.

 

I guess I kind of look at it as, if it's so exhausting for me to try to be "on" all the time, it must be absolutely miserable for energetic, inquisitive young children with questionable impulse control.  I do stupid things all the time. Why wouldn't they?

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't think it is necessary to be "on" all the time, but the younger they are the more challenging it is for sure because there are fewer opportunities for down time and me time and getting stuff done is more challenging. 

 

I'm not even going to offer advice because I don't think I had extra special skills in that department.  Just day to day I coped however I could.  Now my kids are beyond that stage and it is so much easier.  Although the problems are so much more complicated.  So that's something to look forward to.  :lol:

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I did have to do the 100% thing. Two of my four boys have ADHD and were very destructive and dangerous (to themselves and others) as little boys. The four combined could be...I shudder to remember...

 

Practically speaking, I learned from others, and used trial and error, to find out what would work for my particular children and my particular home setting. (Regarding babyproofing and logistics.) That's going to vary, so I won't get into it.

 

But I think you're asking about mindset? One thing that helped me a LOT was that I'd worked in early childhood/preschool and had some training, before becoming a mother. It was drilled into me very well that when you're in charge of someone who can't mind himself, you may not look away. One instant can equal tragedy. This child has been entrusted to your care -- keep him safe. That's your only job -- take care of this child.

 

Well, that's true for our own children, too. It's not true just because it's someone else's child and they are paying us. It's true because every child is precious and must be kept safe...including our own. Tales and memories of free range kids from the 70s notwithstanding, if THIS child can't be left to his own devices, it does NOT matter that I could, at the same age. Doesn't matter that all the other kids in this church/school/town can XYZ, if he can't, then he can't. We can work on it but we have to stay in reality.

 

For THIS child, I am responsible to...

 

1. keep him safe at all times, as much as is in my power (knowing that accidents may still happen, but it will be an accident and not negligence on my part*), and

 

2. get some help ASAP if Point #1 is more than I can bear.

 

Therapists, doctors, medication, respite care, housecleaning help, marital counseling, whatever it takes.

 

Editorial aside: some homeschooling families need to take these steps much more seriously. Some may even be better off utilizing schools, if they have trained professionals that can really help and not just say they'll help, because of the respite care AND the structure.

 

My cousin does not homeschool because her child, who has severe ADHD and ODD, needs her to pretty much stay awake and engaged every instant he's with her, and she has to sleep sometime! So he's in school, she sleeps during the day, and guards him the rest of the time. It was a very hard choice because school is not ideal, but he's safe there, and home needs to be reliably supervisory. She also found one babysitter who understands exactly what the child needs and whom she can trust, so she and her husband can have a night out now and then. They also have therapists and counselors. It's not an easy life but she'll just say, "My son is my full-time job and the love of my life."

 

That's how it goes for some families. No one should ever think they're the only one who can't look away from a child for a particular season, even for years, because some children need more than others.

 

*Accident vs negligence -- I believe it is possible for a child with special needs to get into a horrible accident, or even to be killed, without the supervising parent being to blame. I want to make that very clear, as someone who advocates for more responsible parenting. You can do everything humanly possible and still have tragedy strike your family, because humans are imperfect and we do have to blink, sleep, etc. And then there's miscalculation of risk. Some situation that has been safe for months has suddenly turned unsafe for this child - maybe because of what's going on in his own mind - and we just didn't know that.

 

When tragedy "doesn't" ever affect a family, it's not because they are more perfect. It's just life sometimes. PLEASE hear that, if you have ever had something horrible happen on your watch. I have, too, and was just thankful that everyone lived through it in my case.

I'm talking about the mindset. If we know our child is a caution, we do whatever it takes, to the best of our ability, to keep him safe and get us all through this phase/stage/life. We don't say, "Well, I can't watch him all the time. I don't want to go outdoors when he's outdoors. I want him to play quietly while I nap. I don't want to get off the internet and engage him. Kids should be fine if left alone." No. Not if you know your kid is NOT fine when left alone.

Edited July 15, 2016 by Tibbie Dunbar

[LucyStoner]

The poster who started that thread, unless I am totally mixed up, has previously posted that she works daytime hours from home at the same time as her husband and doesn't have childcare for them. EDITED to reflect I was quite mistaken. Still, it sounds like she has not be able to be present for the kids due to her own health factors and sensory issues. It sounds like they are fending for themselves for a lot of time, perhaps longer than is age appropriate because she is overwhelmed. She also has posted that the kids get into everything and respect no limits and that she can't get any school done. These are *little* boys she is talking about (one is all of three) but it seems that they are largely untended. And it seems to be causing all sorts of problems.

 

Sometimes it's not just about the child needing supervision, it is also about the child deserving attention, education, stimulation and hands on care. Not usually every waking minute. But enough of the time that the kids are safe and a positive parent child relationship is being formed and reinforced. For a family at the point of crisis, that's more hands on time than a child from an average family.

 

My sons are not supervised every minute and I am far from a helicopter parent (13 year old takes the city bus and is allowed to go hiking and walking/biking on his own for fairly long distances, 7 year old is allowed to do a number of things out of my sight) but they are with a caregiver (primarily me but there are alternate arrangements at times) to the extent they need to be with one. For supervision to fun plans to just hanging out together. And no, my sons aren't super compliant, easy kids. Both have special needs and have gone through periods where they needed near constant supervision for their own safety and the safety of others. So I'm not advising anything I haven't had to do myself. Nor am I saying that special needs boys will always need constant supervision. Good supervision need not be constant in most circumstances but it may need to be for certain sorts of situations.

Edited July 15, 2016 by LucyStoner

[zoobie]

If your child needed constant supervision for a medical issue, you would do it, right? It's the same with developmental issues. Some kids NEED constant supervision. We joke about "constant vigilance." It's exhausting. If my 3rd were my oldest, she'd probably be an only. She started preschool last year, and the brief breaks were awesome. She needs constant supervision and engagement. Needs it. My other kids need me too, and we all need a break from her intensity. So, school. Little kids by design need constant supervision of some sort. You can't expect a 7, 5, and 3 year old to fend for themselves. That's not how parenting works, even with an "easy" kid. If you hired a babysitter, you'd expect her to be on the whole time. School teachers can't check out during the day, so they build in breaks. With a super intense kid, you have to find a way to do that. 

[Rachel]

I think a lot of this depends on the ages and personalities of your children. What works for us is having routines. I help with breakfast and getting everyone ready for the day then I expect them to handle themselves while I get ready. Our house is very open so it's easy to supervise even when I'm cooking and they are in the living room. When I need a break, my kids can play quietly together but if they can't get along they get separated. For my family it works well to alternate between supervised and unsupervised time. It isn't perfect it it helps me to not have to be "on" all the time.

 

I believe lots of outside time is important and we go for walks regularly. This summer my two older kids are on swim team, swimming an hour every day. They also play outside regularly. Tired kids have less energy to misbehave.

 

As far as housework, my kids are just getting to ages that they are actually helpful. I'm still figuring things out but I do keep up with dishes and sweeping my first floor daily. It helps the house feel cleaner even when it isn't. I give my 8 year old lists. He has written instructions how to clean the bathroom etc. I give my 6 and 4 year old one job at a time and help a lot. My expectations are lower than they used to be. I recently had a weeks worth of laundry to be folded that was driving me crazy. We dumped it all on my bed. I had the bigger kids fold theirs and put it away. It wasn't perfect, but it was done. The little one folded underwear, napkins, and washcloths. We got the whole thing done in 30 minutes. I was shocked but it was a good reminder that things don't have to be perfect and I don't have to do it all myself.

[LucyStoner]

Oh, I am not ON all the time. I am not super woman and do not pretend to be. Not even when we are having a period of needs high supervision. I build in breaks using quiet time, dad time, park time, grandpa, YMCA, babysitters (somewhat limited), cousins (somehow 4 kids are easier and entertain themselves better and fight less than 2 kids). It helps that both of my sons love to read so quiet time is usually actually quiet. I can be on with the kids when I am getting my own needs adequately met. If I am hiding out or leaving them to their own devices all day, I take that as a sign that I am not getting enough sleep or kid free time. Or for me, due to my history with mental health issues, I might be overly depressed or anxious and trying to insulate them from that.

Edited July 15, 2016 by LucyStoner

[SparklyUnicorn]

And there is a huge difference between "letting the TV babysit for an hour" and "leaving kid to his own devices most of the day".  Nothing wrong with the first scenario IMO.  We are mothers, but not machines. 

[zoobie]

Oh, I am not ON all the time. I am not super woman and do not pretend to be. Not even when we are having a period of needs high supervision. I build in breaks using quiet time, dad time, park time, grandpa, YMCA, babysitters (somewhat limited), cousins (somehow 4 kids are easier and entertain themselves better and fight less than 2 kids). It helps that both of my sons love to read so quiet time is usually actually quiet. I can be on with the kids when I am getting my own needs adequately met. If I am hiding out or leaving them to their own devices all day, I take that as a sign that I am not getting enough sleep or kid free time. Or for me, due to my history with mental health issues, I might be overly depressed or anxious and trying to insulate them from that.

 

Definitely. It doesn't mean mom has to be the only one on. It means SOMEONE needs to be. If you can't do 24/7 (and no one should), you have to find backup supervision. Otherwise it becomes Lord of the Flies especially with a bunch of kids!

[SparklyUnicorn]

Like right now.  My kids are probably sleeping and it's way too late, but I'm kinda enjoying the quiet so...

 

:lol:

[zoobie]

And there is a huge difference between "letting the TV babysit for an hour" and "leaving kid to his own devices most of the day".  Nothing wrong with the first scenario IMO.  We are mothers, but not machines. 

 

There are kids who wouldn't chill out for an hour even with TV. I use it with other things to keep my little nut ball busy. My oldest two would actually sit and watch a show. Ah, those were the days... ;)

[zoobie]

Like right now.  My kids are probably sleeping and it's way too late, but I'm kinda enjoying the quiet so...

 

:lol:

 

Quiet is trouble here! Though if I can't relax a bit by the time 3 is your kids' ages, I certainly will lose my damn mind. 

[caedmyn]

The poster who started that thread, unless I am totally mixed up, has previously posted that she works daytime hours from home at the same time as her husband and doesn't have childcare for them. Leaving them all but entirely to their own devices for much of the day. She also has posted that the kids get into everything and respect no limits. These are *little* boys she is talking about (one is all of three) but it seems that they are largely untended. And it seems to be causing all sorts of problems.

 

 

You are getting me mixed up with someone else.  I do not work at all, and haven't since I've had kids.

[LucyStoner]

You are getting me mixed up with someone else. I do not work at all, and haven't since I've had kids.

I am so sorry. I should have checked before writing my post like that.

[Wheres Toto]

My kids have only recently hit the point where they don't need very close supervision.  We're dealing with SPD, possibly ASD (he's "Asperger-ish"), and ADHD - with poor impulse control being our biggest issue probably. 

 

When they were younger and it was a lot more difficult:

 

-extreme child-proofing.  Making sure anything they could reach was something they should reach.  Bolting every piece of furniture that could be climbed to the wall.  No coffee table. 

-our house is very small.  Every room opens off the living room.  As much as I hate it, it does make supervision easier.  I'm sitting on one side of the living room, I just heard my dd sneeze in the bedroom that's off the opposite side of the living room, and the door is closed.   When they were little, those doors were never closed.  Now they usually are but it's not hard for me to hear what's going on and poke my head in frequently.

-I get downtime when they get computer time.  Their computers are in the living room and I can see the screens from my chair, so I'm still supervising but it's not every second vigilance.  They've been doing various computer things for years (probably starting at 3 or 4 years old).  The threat of losing it all if they do something that's not approved keeps them pretty well in line for now.

-Toys that are broken go in the trash and are not replaced unless it's a true accident.  Dd has a problem with deliberately pulling things apart.  She fidgets and picks at stuff.

-When they were outside, I had to be with them.  This probably lasted longer than it would for most people because we have bears and we didn't have a fence until we got our dog last year.   We had a canopy over our deck so I could sit in the shade, they have a swing set, had a trampoline, and sidewalk chalk/bubbles/sandbox with toys/bats and balls/shovels, etc.  I could read a book but would be glancing up very frequently.
-We would take walks , "nature hikes" to look at interesting things, bike rides - all with the main goal of wearing them out.  Didn't always work
-Quiet time in their rooms.  They didn't nap but would sit and read or draw or play.  If it was really bad, tv was definitely on the table.

-Carefully picked outside classes where I could sit with a book even if I couldn't leave the premises. 

[eternalsummer]

Indeed,  I think LucyStoner got me mixed up with caedmyn.

 

Both DH and I work from home (though not just during daylight hours!  hah! I wish!) and we have lots of littles at home.  They don't have special needs, though, so we don't, thankfully, have to deal with a constant hyper-vigilant supervision sort of situation.  They are destructive in what I think is a fairly normal way but they don't do anything dangerous or particularly obnoxious (imo). 

 

What works for us, with the amount of supervision they do require, is A.  we run a small business online and no part of the business is either child-dangerous (we hired out those parts) or requires more than 2 minutes at one time of attention - and because it is online, everything can be dropped at any time to tend to whatever child needs there are.

 

B. We have an open floor plan for the main parts of the house, with sliding doors to the fenced backyard, and all windows in the main part of the house face the backyard and are picture windows.  Ideal set-up, which we basically lucked into.

 

C. We have extensively, extensively childproofed.  We don't own breakable dishware of any variety.  We own one (one!) cutting knife and it is kept where even I have trouble getting to it, and the kids have no chance.  Nothing we own that the children have any access to at all has a sharp corner or is valuable.  We don't own electronics other than the PCs we use for the business (and they are not fancy).

 

D. We don't own food that I don't want the kids to eat.  We have an open-grazing food strategy that works pretty well for us.  The kids (and we) eat well.

 

E. I don't mind mess and chaos.  The kids have learned a lot about how to clean up every kind of mess. :)

 

 

But to be completely honest, I think what makes all of the above possible is that we are financially relatively secure, so we don't have to worry as much about food rationing or constant carpet shampooing or buying lots of crayons and paper (as they have a habit of breaking crayons and going through a lot of paper), and we're both home almost all the time.

 

Two people can manage lots of littles much easier than 1 person, and we both know that at any time we can say, hey, I am LEAVING THE HOUSE for 20 minutes, or taking a bath, or sitting in the bedroom with the door locked and a cup of iced tea and staring at the wall, and the other person is available to be solely responsible for a while.

 

 

I guess the only advice I could give would be to schedule regular nanny/babysitting if you can possibly afford it - even a couple of hours a week makes a huge difference.

 

Also I did have to give up on a lot of magazine ideals - unstained white carpet, unscribbled walls, 3 hot meals a day, matching socks, organized craft activities with predictable outcomes, etc.  I am happy if the carpet is mostly unsticky, the walls have only washable crayon scribbles, everyone owns socks of some description, and craft activities stay mostly on the back porch, regardless of outcome, where the mess can be hosed off afterwards.  That is, in our current stage of life, a good day. 

[Farrar]

When my kids were younger and they needed a much higher level of supervision, my solution was to leave the house. I'm just incapable of giving them 100% for hours upon end here. It makes me insane. Too many distractions. The lure of books and chores and naps and house projects is way too great. But if we're going and doing and moving and have goals (run the errands, go to the playground, meet those friends, walk in the woods, see the new exhibit, drive all the way to the special pool and go swimming, etc. etc.).

 

Now that my kids are older, it's not an issue. I really feel for the people who have kids who genuinely need that level of attention that you have to give a toddler or young child.

[LucyStoner]

Indeed, I think LucyStoner got me mixed up with caedmyn.

 

Both DH and I work from home (though not just during daylight hours! hah! I wish!) and we have lots of littles at home. They don't have special needs, though, so we don't, thankfully, have to deal with a constant hyper-vigilant supervision sort of situation. They are destructive in what I think is a fairly normal way but they don't do anything dangerous or particularly obnoxious (imo).

 

What works for us, with the amount of supervision they do require, is A. we run a small business online and no part of the business is either child-dangerous (we hired out those parts) or requires more than 2 minutes at one time of attention - and because it is online, everything can be dropped at any time to tend to whatever child needs there are.

 

B. We have an open floor plan for the main parts of the house, with sliding doors to the fenced backyard, and all windows in the main part of the house face the backyard and are picture windows. Ideal set-up, which we basically lucked into.

 

C. We have extensively, extensively childproofed. We don't own breakable dishware of any variety. We own one (one!) cutting knife and it is kept where even I have trouble getting to it, and the kids have no chance. Nothing we own that the children have any access to at all has a sharp corner or is valuable. We don't own electronics other than the PCs we use for the business (and they are not fancy).

 

D. We don't own food that I don't want the kids to eat. We have an open-grazing food strategy that works pretty well for us. The kids (and we) eat well.

 

E. I don't mind mess and chaos. The kids have learned a lot about how to clean up every kind of mess. :)

 

That sounds like a good, realistic system. I'm pretty sure that I wasn't thinking of you. Life's little puzzles.

[fdrinca]

1. I don't prioritize housework. I have areas that must be clean for my sanity (kitchen counters, upstairs bathroom, living room), but the rest of the house can be in a fairly steady state of disarray before I would consider getting the kids involved. 

 

2. We have an open plan house, so the kids are always in the same room as I am. So, even if I'm cooking, lesson planning, teaching - they're all within eyesight. 

 

3. Use screen time and rest time very wisely. 

 

4. Get OUT OF THE HOUSE. Into nature, preferably, where there are no rules about messes and fewer expectations about behaviors. 

 

When my oldest three were tiny (three kids in three years situation), we took a lot of hour-away field trips. The time in the car, where they were buckled, content, and often asleep, was a much needed respite. Friends would question our adventures (just to the zoo or children's museums, nothing outrageous - but we went often), and I always came back to the relative peace and quiet of the car. 

 

The days where kids would sleep, I could listen to NPR or a podcast, and there was a drive-through coffee shop...almost a vacation.

[Ausmumof3]

Lots of good suggestions... I should be clear it's not safety issues with us as the kids are good at sticking to the rules about safety. It's more the messes and that I need to do a bit of "habit training" around stuff like putting clothes in the wash etc

 

I agree with the breaks for mum thing - getting a total break from the kids makes you feel so engaged with them when you come back. It can be hard to come by though. The supervision situation is pretty average at our local school (park over a road that kids go to play in, one teacher on yard duty for both sides of the road and a heap of kids) so if I had a high needs kids I wouldn't be considering it.

 

One other thing I find helpful that others might is using activities like swimming lessons etc as a break. However some are better than others, some require a lot of parent participation whereas others are totally teacher oriented (which I prefer).

[Rachel]

I didn't mention it above but exercise for me helps a lot too. I use the YMCA child care for the kids especially when my husband is traveling or working late.