Help me "convince" my dd11 to stay home through a ughout middle school

[mysticmomma]

If any of you have kids or personal experiences with middle schoolers that either chose for themselves or ended up coming home, please help me by sharing. I'd especially like to hear students own words.

 

I gave dd the option to stay home or go to the local middle school this year for sixth. She went to the open house and after a few days decided she wanted to stay home.

 

She mostly wants to go to feel "normal." Most of her friends go to school. Her best friend is a year behind her and will go to middle school next year, so she thinks she wants to go for 7th grade because they will be in the same school. I will stress the fact that the will not see each other in school due to being in separate grades.

 

We lead a very busy life. I am in school (2 years left for BSN). DH is in school and works a very unpredictable restaurant schedule. A large part I her wanting to stay home is because she will hardly see DH. He almost always works both weekend days, and when he closes she wouldn't see him at all.

 

We take advantage of midweek off season trips, she works as a mothers helper during the week sometimes. She is super sensitive and would fee very left out of family time not being home. Selfishly I don't want to give up this flexible lifestyle and our family time.

 

My own personal middle school experience (at the school she will go to) is horrid. I was bullied, assaulted, battered and eventually became so depressed I was suicidal. We have reports from current students that there is a lot of sexual pressure, drug pressure, smoking and drinking happening.

 

A friend entered middle school at 8th grade and also reported it as awful because all of the social groups had already been formed and it was very hard to adapt. She never ended up belonging and became so discouraged she didn't even try in high school.

 

I haven't heard from anyone that entered in 7th.

 

I am fine with her going to high school. I want her to make it through the first hormonal years of puberty finding her place, her interests and herself without the peer pressure to conform.

 

If you've made it this far, thank you. I have "convince" in quotes because obviously I can force her, but it is always better to get them to "buy in" on their own.

[regentrude]

I withdrew both my kids form middle school; DD from 6th, DS from 5th grade. They wanted to homeschool because they were not challenged and were bored out of their minds. Also, DD experienced severe bullying - socially, the middle school was absolutely vicious. Stereotypical mean girl stuff like out of a book, disgusting.

The only one who needed convincing was I.

My DD put it succinctly on the day after I brought her home: "I am glad I don't have to go to school anymore. Now I can finally learn something."

 

 

Edited July 14, 2016 by regentrude

[SanDiegoMom]

Is there anyone outside the family that can lend their experience of middle school? My younger kids really look up to their older sister, and she tells enough about the bad parts of middle school that they would be happy enough to skip it. And she went to a very tame and much more academically focused middle school -- where we live now the bullying and social pressure are much higher. 

 

And have you shared your experiences with her? Would that help to sway her? To me that would be a safety and emotional well-being issue, which in my mind trumps personal choice! 

 

Definitely a tricky situation.  I wish you the best of luck!

[mysticmomma]

Thank you for your insight. I intend to let my daughter read this thread.

[Farrar]

I think the thing that's hardest to understand when you're middle school aged and makes kids make the worst decisions is that it's so temporary. You feel like it's forever - all the feelings you're feeling at age 12. But it's actually a really fleeting time of life.

 

And all the need that most kids feel at age 12 or so - the need to get out there and prove yourself and be independent - will still be there in a couple of years and yet the forum for doing so (high school vs. middle school) is so much better for most kids. Everyone is struggling in middle school and middle schools struggle to know what to do with kids that age. Being in school doesn't give most kids a big head start on figuring out the social dynamics of school just because most high schools are so radically different. And by the time kids get to high school, they're all a little more mature. Most high schools are bigger, there are more choices to make - it's just generally a little better in a million ways.

 

It sounds like she likes the life you guys have at home and has opportunities to be independent (mother's helper is a great one) and has a say in her life - all key things for happiness at this age. I'd just keep pushing those things.

 

I'm not brave enough to give my kids the option. They're both on board for being home for middle school, but this is a mommy knows best one for me. If they'd really wanted to go to elementary school, maybe. If they really want to go to high school, okay. But middle school? No way. I'm a former middle school teacher. No way would I ever let my kids go to middle school.

[MinivanMom]

I gave my 2 oldest kids the option to go to middle school with the caveat that it was all or nothing. Either they started in 6th grade or they waited until 9th grade. I made sure that they understood that I wouldn't let them change their minds and start in 7th or 8th grade, because

(a) the social issues with coming in partway through, and

(b) crazy placement policies that make it very difficult to get onto the advanced academic track if you enter middle school partway through (our high school is much more accommodating)

 

We have a nice, upper-class middle school with a reputation for being very proactive in preventing bullying, but I'm still glad they decided to stay home. Even "good" middle schools kinda suck. It's just the age. I think it's been really positive for my kids to know that they don't have to face the public school decision every single year, because a decision has been made for all of middle school. But at the same time, they know that it's their choice to homeschool and they know they'll still have the option to make a switch to public school in 9th grade if that's what they want to do.

[MinivanMom]

I think the thing that's hardest to understand when you're middle school aged and makes kids make the worst decisions is that it's so temporary. You feel like it's forever - all the feelings you're feeling at age 12. But it's actually a really fleeting time of life.

 

And all the need that most kids feel at age 12 or so - the need to get out there and prove yourself and be independent - will still be there in a couple of years and yet the forum for doing so (high school vs. middle school) is so much better for most kids. Everyone is struggling in middle school and middle schools struggle to know what to do with kids that age. Being in school doesn't give most kids a big head start on figuring out the social dynamics of school just because most high schools are so radically different. And by the time kids get to high school, they're all a little more mature. Most high schools are bigger, there are more choices to make - it's just generally a little better in a million ways.

 

It sounds like she likes the life you guys have at home and has opportunities to be independent (mother's helper is a great one) and has a say in her life - all key things for happiness at this age. I'd just keep pushing those things.

 

I'm not brave enough to give my kids the option. They're both on board for being home for middle school, but this is a mommy knows best one for me. If they'd really wanted to go to elementary school, maybe. If they really want to go to high school, okay. But middle school? No way. I'm a former middle school teacher. No way would I ever let my kids go to middle school.

 

Yes. Just yes to all of this, especially the bolded part.

[Wheres Toto]

I'm not offering the option for middle school and we have a very good school in our district.  I definitely wouldn't give the option given the issues you say they have at your local school.  Middle school is the worst even at the best schools.  My oldest was public schooled straight through.  She was always very social, made friends easily, was "popular" and she still struggled greatly in middle school.  And IME, girls are the worse than boys.

 

In your situation, I would definitely try and talk her into staying home for middle school.  High school is a much better time to transition if she wants to go to school at some point.

[Chrysalis Academy]

I think the thing that's hardest to understand when you're middle school aged and makes kids make the worst decisions is that it's so temporary. You feel like it's forever - all the feelings you're feeling at age 12. But it's actually a really fleeting time of life.

 

And all the need that most kids feel at age 12 or so - the need to get out there and prove yourself and be independent - will still be there in a couple of years and yet the forum for doing so (high school vs. middle school) is so much better for most kids. Everyone is struggling in middle school and middle schools struggle to know what to do with kids that age. Being in school doesn't give most kids a big head start on figuring out the social dynamics of school just because most high schools are so radically different. And by the time kids get to high school, they're all a little more mature. Most high schools are bigger, there are more choices to make - it's just generally a little better in a million ways.

 

It sounds like she likes the life you guys have at home and has opportunities to be independent (mother's helper is a great one) and has a say in her life - all key things for happiness at this age. I'd just keep pushing those things.

 

I'm not brave enough to give my kids the option. They're both on board for being home for middle school, but this is a mommy knows best one for me. If they'd really wanted to go to elementary school, maybe. If they really want to go to high school, okay. But middle school? No way. I'm a former middle school teacher. No way would I ever let my kids go to middle school.

 

I couldn't agree more with every word you wrote here. 

[Lori D.]

Not speaking from personal experience, but from several local families who are friends who STARTED homeschooling in either the middle school grades or at 9th grade, it was directly due to very "negative social" situations (bullying, friendless, students burned out/no time for socializing due to long hours) -- and also due to the poor academics. Also have a friend whose son did public school all the way through, and she had to get him skipped a grade in middle school to get out of there a year sooner due to the bad situations going on. Elementary grades and High School were fine for him.

 

Just to be fair, a LOT seems to ride on the particular group of students and the dynamics that develop in late elementary/middle school. Our local private Christian school (K-12) just graduated a "bubble" of girls who were bad news all the way through, from about 3rd grade through high school -- they just seemed to feed off the worst in one another, and delight in power plays and verbally destroying other students. And that's at a Christian school that worked closely, each grade up through middle school, with those girls to try and get that attitude turned around. :( Most years, this was NOT a problem at the Christian school. I still remember a Lynda Barry cartoon in which she said the "cruelest force in the universe is a roving pack of 6th grade girls".  :crying:  :scared:  That was certainly true in my own public school experiences...

 

And, again, to be fair, there are families here who have gone from homeschool to public middle school (more frequently it's at 8th grade rather than 6th grade -- or sometime in elementary grades), and it's been a very positive and good experience.

 

 

JMO, but I think it is increasingly difficult to connect with friends or have much in the way of social time with friends at a traditional school. The public school day is very long, you're not allowed to talk in class, and there is only 5-10 minutes between classes and a short 30-45 minute lunch break. Then parents pick up students right after school and race off to afternoon commitments of sports, music lessons, specialized lessons, etc. And then after dinner, plan on several hours of homework every night...

 

Rather than just focusing on "to public middle school or not to public middle school" (lol), my vote is to, together, you and DD spend this next year together exploring ALL your options -- both for social opportunities (extracurriculars, volunteering, hosting friends, etc.) AND possible personal interests that DD would enjoy trying out or exploring. It's hard to make any choice except traditional school, if that's all you know about… Figuring out what DD needs and wants, determining YOUR goals for social and emotional and academic growth for DD, AND looking in to what's available to fill those needs, wants, and goals, will better help your family make the best choice for middle school. :)

 

Homeschooling often allows for exploring special interests and personal passions in a way that the rigid schedule of a public/private school cannot. I'm thinking of the threads by:

- Chrysalis Academy and the super-cool middle school studies she has tailored for her oldest daughter and her theater interests

- 8FillTheHeart, who uses middle school to explore individualized academics around areas of personal interest to her children, such as the Anne of Green Gables study or an in-depth JRR Tolkien study

- EndOfOrdinary, whose son has been able to run with his social-environmental concerns and organized big public events and rallies while in elementary and middle school

- Quark  and lewelma who have very advanced/accelerated students who have been able to go deep into their academic areas of interest at a high school and college level while still in middle school

 

Even when you're not an exceptional student or are a student who already has strongly developed interests, passions, or hobbies, homeschooling can give you the time that traditional schools can't to explore and find out what you might be interested in. For example, in the middle school co-op class I taught this last year, I saw very average/ordinary students have the opportunity to try out activities of interest to them because they were not locked into an exhausting long-school-day-plus-hours-of-homework schedule:

 

- one boy started his own business with backyard chickens and selling eggs

- two girls had the time for their high interest in creative writing and doing NaNoWriMon

- a pair of brothers got to do lots of cool STEM things -- involved science projects for the annual week-long science fair, and got to talk with the International Space Station via ham radio as their 4-H group's ham radio project

 

Check out these past threads for inspiration in maximizing homeschooling or tailoring homeschool to explore interests:

"Can we talk logic stage projects and changing things up?"

"Pressing through the middle years of homeschooling: How do you do it?"

 

What about socializing through academics other than full-enrollment at a traditional school?

- take 1-2 classes at the local public school, or band/orchestra, or school sports team participation

- summer camps (usually offered through local university or community college)

- online class with live student interactions

- get together with 2-3 other local homeschool families with middle schoolers for special activities, field trips, and other interactions for your middle schoolers

 

There are a lot of ways to have meaningful social time with current friends (or make new friends) than just attend a public/private middle school, or even in participating in a homeschool group or co-op -- and it's a great way to try out some new activities and possibly discover a passion! You're more apt to meet and make friends, or have time to do enjoyable activities with friends, when you share an interest in the same activity:

 

- host a weekly book club, movie night, jewelry-making session, crafting session, etc.

- join a group of tweens/teens that's already in the community -- 4-H, Parks & Rec class, YMCA class, scouting, cheer squad, choir, dance group, Junior Strings orchestra, youth theater... 

- have fun with an after school club at the local school: chess, electronics, robotics, filmmaking, Junior Achievement, speech & debate...

- participate in community tween/teen activities: public library programs, after school bowling league 

- join a swim team or sports team

- take classes in an area of interest -- martial arts, fencing, dance, horseback riding, cake decorating, jewelry making, sewing, etc.

- get involved in volunteering with a community service group of interest to you

- join an all-ages community group -- Orienteering, History Recreation, hiking, biking, paint balling...

- join, or create, a homeschool youth group with a Student Council that plans/executes monthly youth activities

 

See these past threads for more ideas for social opportunities:

"Once your child hits middle school, does this mean all the "fun" stuff stops?"

"s/o: What are you planning for social opportunities for 7th/8th grade?"

 

 

BEST of luck as your family researches, discusses, looks ahead, and plans for the middle school years! Warmest regards, Lori D.

Edited July 15, 2016 by Lori D.

[lewelma]

My younger ds was interested in going to school next year, but in his words about his best friend "Matthew's personality is in flux, and I think it is due to school."  He was becoming aware of peer pressure and it's negative effects on his friend's personhood and identity. DS wants to be his own person and not feel pressured to become someone else in order to fit in.

Edited July 15, 2016 by lewelma

[mommyshanti]

My ds went to school starting in 4th. When he left for 6th his friends all lived in zoning for diff. Middle school. He made friends easily, bullying was never an issue but him gettibg in trouble for talking was lol. Why else do they go to school except to "socialize?" Lol. There really is zero time for that or for teachers to go in depth when students have real questions. My son wants to come home next year. He realizes he can learn at his fast pace, have time to actually read, and do things he enjoys. Then when school lets out he can actually play with his school friends:)