I got DH to agree to infant adoption. What do I need to know?

[3 ladybugs]

I know it is going to cost a lot. So that one is covered. 

 

I should add that this would be domestic adoption. With my history of cancer (6 years out but still there) we would have issues with overseas. We also don't want to do foster to adopt with children living at home. I think it would be too hard on all of us. I also would want a child to be younger then my youngest. 

 

What else do I need to know? Right now I know I want to go through an agency, and have an open adoption. I will not do a closed adoption as I think it is unfair to the child. I found an agency that I like in a neighboring state. I live in NJ so it isn't THAT far away. We have not contacted anyone yet. We are waiting till September to get our ducks lined up a bit first. 

 

How many agencies should I look at? What should I be looking for? Any been there done that would be helpful. My father adopted twice from China (since I have been an adult) so I got to see a bit what that is like, though I imagine this would be way different. 

 

Thank you for the help. 

[Spryte]

We have domestically adopted two infants. Both open adoptions. Invited into the delivery room by both birthmothers, so I do mean infant. Our adoptions are very open, so we have essentially added two more paternal and maternal families to our own. Holidays are a whirl of coordinating visits. We love it. We love all of them. That is not to say it's been easy. We've had to work extremely hard to keep things open.

 

Since you want an open adoption - read about it. Read everything. Read positive and negative stories.

 

You will learn a lot about love. And it won't be a walk in the park all the time. But it will be worth it.

 

You are welcome to pm me. :)

 

Knowing your state laws re: adoption is important. If you choose an agency outside of your state: they won't know as well. Your attorney will, though. I'd recommend that you connect with an attorney before making contact with a birthmother. BTDT experience here.

 

ETA our 2nd adoption went through foster care, but is basically a domestic infant adoption. That is extremely unusual in our area though.

Edited July 6, 2016 by Spryte

[Spryte]

Your history of cancer just registered with me. You will still have a home study with domestic adoption. Beyond that, and much more importantly, you owe the potential birthparents honesty and forthrightness about your health history, too. I know "owe" is a strong word, but if you want an open adoption, it has to start with full openness on your part. There is no way around this, if you truly want an on-going open adoption. I can tell you without a doubt that it would not have impacted one of our adoptions, if DH or I had had a history like that. I don't know for sure about the other. I do, however, know that holding back that info while either set of birthparents was making their decision to go with us ... It would not have been the right thing to do.

[3 ladybugs]

I wasn't planning on hiding anything. I can get a letter from my oncologist (just saw her last Thursday) that states I have a "normal life expectancy". 

 

When I got diagnosed with my cancer I had 5 frozen embryos. At 2 years in remission, I was allowed to start going to get them. I went through 3 frozen embryo transfers. The first time 2 were defrosted 1 didn't survive the thaw and 1 was transferred. I had a miscarriage early. The second time 2 were defrosted. Again one didn't survive the thaw and one was transferred. This time nothing. I decided to wait a month before trying my last and poorest quality embryo. He was also frozen the longest. To say I didn't have high hopes was an understatement. I feared I would do all of this work and have nothing transferred. In that time I researched adoption. China, where my sisters are from, it was clear they would only let me get a waiting child that was under special circumstances  (a child that has issues and/or is hard to place). American agencies told me that they would only go forward with me if I could get a letter from my oncologist saying I had a "normal life expectancy". That I wouldn't be able to get till June 2015 when I was 5 years in remission. Seeing how it was October 2012 I was a bit sad. However it worked out that my son survived his thaw and held on tight. He is actually older then my nearly 8 year old, but he was frozen for 5 years, 3 months, 2 weeks and a few days.

 

Medically statistically speaking I am no different then anyone else that doesn't have my history. This will have to be something that the birth mom will have to decide for herself. Honestly I have a living maternal grandmother who is 87 and is still living on her own in her own 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom home. This past March I lost my paternal grandmother and she was older then my maternal grandmother when she died (can't remember exactly how old she was). I have very good genes in me, it is just a matter if someone could get past the fact that I had a medical issue that could have killed me, but didn't 6 years ago. I am still seeing my oncologist btw because when I see any other doctor, and they hear I have a history of cancer, they freak out a bit. Too many people sue for something stupid. When I tell them that I still see my oncologist, they know that is one less thing they really have to worry about with me. For $238 (if I paid out of pocket, which I have done in the past), it is a cheep insurance policy every year. 

 

My very nature is an open book. I have a blog where I talk about everything we have went through in the last 10 years. Assuming a birth mom was interested in us, I would like the agency to share this blog with her. In there she can see all of our high's lows and everything in-between. Their child would go on there too. So they could see, sometimes even daily, how they made the right decision to let us have their child. However I am not sure how much contact I want to have. I have 3 dads right now, not including my father in law. I don't know if I want Christmas to be too much more complicated then it is right now. However that is something I would talk with the agency about. I want open but I don't know if I want constant visitation schedules so I feel like I got a divorce from the birth mom. I would worry that they would want to take the child back after the infant age or something like that. 

[Spryte]

I don't think the history of cancer would be a big deal. I would, personally, get to know a birthmom and then tell her as things unfold in your getting to know each other process.

 

Whatever you decide, re: degree of openness, just be honest about it, and be prepared to honor your commitments and promises. One of our kids' birthmoms is like family, and we see her often. The other - we are lucky to see once a year at kiddo's birthday. Fortunately, birthfather there is more involved, at the moment. These things will wax and wane a bit - and will change year to year.

 

I have many more thoughts, but don't want to dominate your thread. Feel free to ask anything.

[Ottakee]

Have you thought about race/ethnic background of the child? Open to any special needs/risk factors from birth parents?

[3 ladybugs]

I don't think the history of cancer would be a big deal. I would, personally, get to know a birthmom and then tell her as things unfold in your getting to know each other process.

 

Whatever you decide, re: degree of openness, just be honest about it, and be prepared to honor your commitments and promises. One of our kids' birthmoms is like family, and we see her often. The other - we are lucky to see once a year at kiddo's birthday. Fortunately, birthfather there is more involved, at the moment. These things will wax and wane a bit - and will change year to year.

 

I have many more thoughts, but don't want to dominate your thread. Feel free to ask anything.

 

Feel free to share if you like your other thoughts. We honestly spend Christmas alone most years. Our family is scattered from Florida, Washington, and Oregon. We have been going down to Florida at Thanksgiving as of late, and family out in Washington (DH's parents) have said they never want to come out again at Christmas. 

 

How many agencies should we look at before deciding on one? Could my cancer history preclude me from agencies? Should I be looking now at agencies that wouldn't be scared by that?

Have you thought about race/ethnic background of the child? Open to any special needs/risk factors from birth parents?

 

I asked my husband this and his first reply was "human". LOL My children are learning German, I have 2 sisters who are ethnically Chinese, the rest of us are European mutts. I think as long as the birth family wouldn't mind us teaching the child German, I would be open to any race. I would prefer if the race were known though. I have a long family linage that dates back to the time of King Henry the 8th. While I don't expect that far back with everyone, I would like to be able to teach my children, all of them, where they came from. 

 

Special needs - I think we would prefer just prematurity or even extreme prematurity. We are most familiar with that. I don't think we would also mind mild drinking early in the pregnancy before they knew they were pregnant either. I don't want a child born addicted to anything. We wouldn't mind things like Hep B positive either. Other things like blind, deaf, limb deformations and such we would consider. 

[Ottakee]

 

 

I asked my husband this and his first reply was "human". LOL My children are learning German, I have 2 sisters who are ethnically Chinese, the rest of us are European mutts. I think as long as the birth family wouldn't mind us teaching the child German, I would be open to any race. I would prefer if the race were known though. I have a long family linage that dates back to the time of King Henry the 8th. While I don't expect that far back with everyone, I would like to be able to teach my children, all of them, where they came from. 

 

Special needs - I think we would prefer just prematurity or even extreme prematurity. We are most familiar with that. I don't think we would also mind mild drinking early in the pregnancy before they knew they were pregnant either. I don't want a child born addicted to anything. We wouldn't mind things like Hep B positive either. Other things like blind, deaf, limb deformations and such we would consider. 

I would consider the race things carefully.  Having a cute little minority baby is vastly different than sending that child as a young man out on his own as a teen.  You might not see color, but the world sure will and without you present, they will see an African American young man (note all of the police shootings) or a middle eastern young woman, etc.  When they grow up and leave your house, they need to know how to function in society as the world sees them.  For example, my friend's sons can not wear the hoods up on their hoodies or put their hands in the pockets when walking down the street.....even if it is cold.....as they are black and therefore suspect.

 

I am PRO transracial adoption, but It is important to consider the racial make up of your family, friends, church, social groups, neighborhoods, etc.  Transracially adopted kids need same race models.....doctors, hair stylists, teachers, community leaders, friends, etc.  A friend of mine actually hosts a weekly Bible study for black and biracial teen boys in her house led by a black pastor.  She wanted her boys to see other black men leading their families.  They also often attend a mostly black church even though her own husband is a pastor of a white church.

 

I know that sounds harsh but often transracially adopted kids struggle, esp. if they don't have a lot of same race models.

 

As to the special needs, if you adopt an infant, research Fetal alcohol syndrome.  Often the worst effects are from drinking early in the pregnancy.  The child can appear normal but still have a lot of cognitive and behavioral challenges (I have one with full FAS).  Drugs can be terrible but honestly once you get through the withdrawal periods, the long term effect of drugs on a baby are often much less than those of alcohol use.

 

I know I sound like a Debbie Downer here and certainly don't want to come across like that as I am pro adoption but with my experience with children of other races (and those of my close friends) along with parenting 4 of my 5 with special needs it is best to know what you are getting into .

 

Now, many, many infant adoptions the baby has no special needs.  I just happen to take kids that do have the special needs.

[3 ladybugs]

I live in New Jersey, by very nature, we are very diverse. Having said that, I think there is more we could do to get into more minority communities. We go to 2 churches right now and both are not as diverse as they could be. Now one of the services is in German so that may be a big reason why, but it is still a consideration. 

 

My children, because they live with us, will be subjected to LOTS of science and history. DH has been hearing that schools are weighing asians because they tend to have very high scores in math and sciences. There is a bias there against them. One of my sons is likely to be short (the other one is likely going to be very tall) so he may have a bias against him at different points in his life. My older son loves cars to the point of exhaustion (that is ALL he talks about). He could be seen as "odd" because of this. This is not to take away from what the atmosphere is in the country right now, however by the time a baby born today is a teenager, the mood in the country could be completely different. I am sure when you adopted your children the mood was different then it is now. My point is NO ONE is completely immune from being discriminated against, on some level. If someone wants to make you feel inferior, they will. I see my job as a parent to help my children realize how the world is and how to adjust accordingly. 

 

I am not seeking out a child with disabilities. That is an area I need to read more about.