Are thank you notes not needed anymore?

[PeacefulChaos]

The sentiment of not giving gifts or severing the relationship (which does seem a bit extreme to me) with those who don't write thank you notes isn't about "strings attached". It's about the giver realizing that their efforts and thoughts were not appreciated, and *that* is what degrades the relationship. But I suspect most people here understand this and just choose not to acknowledge that fact.

It's just foreign to me. I've never heard of anything like this before, seriously.

It honestly blows my mind. I'm not trying to be obtuse. I just can't imagine a situation where a verbal thank you for a gift wouldn't be enough, or a friendship that is close enough to give gifts in the first place doesn't have appreciation implied.

I'm honestly just completely befuddled by the idea. A thank you note seems like it matters too much in these scenarios.

I don't consider a little piece of card stock to carry that much weight.

 

Eta: I can say I don't think any one thing in a friendship can carry that much weight.

If, as some posters have said, it's just one of many signs that the relationship is one sided, that's different. But that's not what some have said - some have literally said that those who send thank yous continue getting gifts while others don't. Those two things are different to me.

If I always have to be the one to call Suzy and make plans and I'm always the one who tries to make time for her and it goes on for a year and her not appreciating a gift I got for her is one of many things, that's one thing.

If I love my niece and she goes to college and I think 'oh, I'm going to send her a little care package just because she's away from home/it's finals week/whatever' and I don't get a thank you, that wouldn't even register on my radar.

 

So if people are talking about the first thing - ok, whatevs. But then don't make it sound like its the second, which is what several have done.

Edited July 3, 2016 by PeacefulChaos

[TranquilMind]

I'm stunned that people don't give gifts to give them, but as a measuring stick to decide if someone else is worthy.

Good manners are never controversial.

Making them into something worth disowning someone over is.

 

I don't know anyone who does "decide if someone is worthy" by gift giving or by their bad manners, so I am not sure why you quoted me. Perhaps you inadvertently quoted the wrong person. 

[marbel]

Shortly after I moved to the West Coast I was chastised by people for sending Thank You notes.  I was told I was violating the social order and I needed to stop.  I didn't totally stop, but I did slow down a lot and then having kids I've slowed down even more about it.  It was quite surprising to be chewed out for expressing gratefulness, and I really didn't know what to make of it.  I am not sure if it really is a regional difference, or if it is a social class difference (my social circles changed upon my move as well).

 

Interesting. I lived much of my life on the west coast and both sent and received thank you notes.

 

My guess - and this is just a guess - is that it was code for "hey, stop sending thank you notes; you're making the rest of us look bad."    :-)

 

You are talking west coast USA, right? 

 

[marbel]

If I send my sister $150 worth of groceries when she is having a poor week, I would vastly prefer if she not call or email or write me a thank you note (gack) because it makes me uncomfortable.  I didn't get her the groceries in exchange for any sort of expression of gratitude, or to acknowledge how great I am for  giving her something; I got them because she's broke and I'm not, at the moment, and it makes me happy to think of her being slightly better fed.

 

The formal expression of gratitude is just a separate thing from all of that.  If we're talking anyway and she happens to say, hey, thanks for the groceries!  that is natural and fine - but if she writes me an email specifically for the purpose it makes me feel yuck and I'm hesistant to buy the groceries next time because I feel like there's some sort of weird distance between us now because of it, if that makes sense.

 

If I sent my sister some groceries and I didn't get any sort of acknowledgement, I'd wonder if she'd received them.  Were they stolen off her porch?  Did the store send them to the wrong place?    It seems odd to me not to want to know the person got the thing sent.  It's not to make myself feel like a big hero but just to know they got it.  I don't understand how that can be rude or undesirable.

 

ETA: I think not acknowledging receipt of any sort of gift not hand-delivered puts the giver in an uncomfortable position.  I know I hate asking if something I sent arrived, but I need to know so that if it didn't, I can take action with the shipper or vendor.   I don't take it for granted that everything I ship is delivered properly.

 

Edited July 4, 2016 by marbel

[Incognito]

Interesting. I lived much of my life on the west coast and both sent and received thank you notes.

 

My guess - and this is just a guess - is that it was code for "hey, stop sending thank you notes; you're making the rest of us look bad."    :-)

 

You are talking west coast USA, right? 

 

 

Well, almost. ;)  Not quite, though, so perhaps it is an issue of a different country as well.  There are definite international cultural differences, but I wouldn't think that the TY note culture would be a part of that (as there is a large bit of cultural overlap, with Canada seeming to put emphasis on how very polite everyone is, if anything I'd think it would lean the other way towards excessive notes, not less).

[Prairie~Phlox]

My daughter just finished 45 thank you notes for her graduation gifts. One person thanked me & said that they had 4 graduaions & she was the only one that sent one. Especially older people expect to see them, I expect my kids to say please & thank you, that's just common curtesy.

[PeacefulChaos]

I don't know anyone who does "decide if someone is worthy" by gift giving or by their bad manners, so I am not sure why you quoted me. Perhaps you inadvertently quoted the wrong person.

The part re: it being controversial was in regards to the part I quoted of yours, not the first sentence of what I said. :)

I can't bold things or multi-quote on my phone bc I don't have/want the app I guess. Sorry for any confusion. :)

[poppy]

If I sent my sister some groceries and I didn't get any sort of acknowledgement, I'd wonder if she'd received them. Were they stolen off her porch? Did the store send them to the wrong place? It seems odd to me not to want to know the person got the thing sent. It's not to make myself feel like a big hero but just to know they got it. I don't understand how that can be rude or undesirable.

 

ETA: I think not acknowledging receipt of any sort of gift not hand-delivered puts the giver in an uncomfortable position. I know I hate asking if something I sent arrived, but I need to know so that if it didn't, I can take action with the shipper or vendor. I don't take it for granted that everything I ship is delivered properly.

 

There is almost always tracking numbers for online orders.

[marbel]

There is almost always tracking numbers for online orders.

 

Packages can be delivered to the wrong place.  I've received packages not meant for me.  Letters, too.  Things are taken off front stoops. 

 

If I wanted to give an anonymous gift to someone, I'd take the risk, knowing I'd never know if they received it or not.   But if it's not meant to be anonymous, I'd like to know that the thing got to the intended person, not just that USPS dropped it off somewhere and scanned the bar code. 

 

I just don't get what is so bad about that. 

 

 

[poppy]

I didn't say it was bad. I do think it's a little .... paranoid? I mean, packages are much more likely delivered than lost, especially if you can confirm shipment if you feel concerned. But it's not bad to be concerned.

[mellifera33]

I didn't say it was bad. I do think it's a little .... paranoid? I mean, packages are much more likely delivered than lost, especially if you can confirm shipment if you feel concerned. But it's not bad to be concerned.

 

I don't know--I've received an awful lot of packages with delivery confirmation that were addressed to the same address one street over. On the plus side, I've gotten to know more neighbors than I otherwise would have.  :lol:

 

But if I wanted to know if a package had arrived, I'd just text and ask. 

[sheryl]

I read the OP note but not the replies.   Whew!

 

Well, I'm a first time older Mom.  I'm in my 50's.  I'm rather old-school because I was raised in the 60's and think some things never go out of style and they shouldn't go out of style.  And, if the world tries to minimize importance assigned to certain acts, then I think people may reconsider and still do the right thing out of respect for not only the gift but the giver.

 

Like you, I think of myself as a younger 50's woman, wife, mother.  Who says 50's is old?  Again, I don't think being hip means being ungrateful.  It's not the worst thing to not send a thank you note, but it sure does go the extra mile and make known that you care for that person enough to invest a few minutes and effort to send a thank you note to him/her.

 

To me, a recipient of a gift might not like the gift but it's the thought/act that counts.  Usually!  :glare:  One Christmas my brother and his wife gave my dd a sports-like bra and another gift.  REALLY!?!??!!!  How weird. 

 

So "usually" it's the thought that counts.   My dd just celebrated her 17th birthday with inviting a few girlfriends over for a sleepover.  In recent years (5 or so) we decided to add on the invitation, "gifts not expected".   My daughter like a lot of kids have a fair amount of friends and a birthday gift for every friend can add up.  We just don't want families to be burdened so we add that.  Each girl always brings a gift each time but at least they know they don't have to. 

 

All of this to say that this morning we pulled out some thank you cards and she is going to hand write and personalize each one for the gift she received. 

 

ALSO - recently my dd went to a birthday party and what arrived in the mail?  A hand written/personalized thank you note from this girl.  It is just a nice gesture.

 

 

 

 

[Ausmumof3]

It's common in our circles to send a thank you for a baby and engagement or wedding gift. I have to say with the baby notes a few people didn't write return addresses and trying to track down the address on top of hand making fancy notes (because we couldn't afford the preprinted type and it's what everyone else was doing) became a bit stressful with bub number 1. Plus it took ages to mail them all. So while I think it's kind of polite, I'd definitely cut a heap of slack to anyone who had a new baby etc. of course in hindsight it would have been fine to just write a note on any piece of paper and get it done but clear thinking and sleep deprivation don't go together well for me.

[Tita Gidge]

I like thank you notes, both as a sender and a receiver.

 

Are they necessary? I don't know; is anything etiquette-related truly necessary?

 

Are they a good idea? I believe so. I write them often, as do my children.

 

Are they the end-all, be-all? I don't think so. I think it's a changing social expectation.

[Ausmumof3]

The other thing I think about the thank you note expectation and I may be wrong but it's one of those social areas like sending birthday cards etc where boys are more likely to get a free pass than girls. Though dh is more likely to make a phone call than send a letter.

[OnTheBrink]

The purpose of etiquette is to put others at ease, right?  I'm not sure how the etiquette of thank you notes is a part of that idea. 

" Here is a gift. It does have strings attached. If you failed in your obligation to reciprocate this gift with a written thank you, you will be judged."

 

 

"I've received a gift. I'm not going to be a selfish, entitled ingrate and I'll give the giver tangible evidence of my appreciation, acknowledging they spent time and money on me for my pleasure."

[Murphy101]

Not too long ago this year I made some hand knit items for a cousin who had a baby. A matching dress, boots, and hat. Mailed it to her. Never heard a single thing. No pic on Fb of her girl in it. Radio silence. But a couple months later she posted a thank you on Fb of her dd in something someone else made. Hmm. What's up with that? Bummed. I was fairly confident she was going to really like what I had sent bc she had commented on loving pics of similiar hand made items on my FB page. So I bit the etiquette bullet and PMed her saying no pressure bc I for sure know how new babies can mess with daily life, but did she get the outfit I made for her baby girl?

 

Turns out that no she did not. No idea where it ended up. Because it was a knit baby set, it didn't weigh much and shipping was something like $3 iirc. So I didn't bother to get verified delivery and such. My economical trust in luck and favorable odds was misplaced! Crap. And at that point, I doubt they'd have still fit her anyways.

 

I did reknit some of the boots for her and tried sending them again, and she was really happy to show off her little girl in them for me.

 

So no, it's not paranoid to think packages get lost. Just because most packages do arrive, doesn't change that packages also fail to arrive all the time.

 

The other thing I think about the thank you note expectation and I may be wrong but it's one of those social areas like sending birthday cards etc where boys are more likely to get a free pass than girls. Though dh is more likely to make a phone call than send a letter.

Ugh. Then they get married and suddenly everyone expects their wife to stand in for mommy. No. Dh does thank you cards all by his self like a grown literate man. Sometimes I do them for both of us, but he does them too. It was a big deal after our wedding because his grandmother and mother actually called ME really ticked off that I hadn't sent out 100ish thank you cards yet after 2 months. Except I had sent them to my half of the gift givers. Dh was supposed to send them to his family and he never did. I had a whole stack of thank you cards ready for him to use and he hadn't touched them. I was informed that was a bit much to expect of him and really this was my obligation as his wife. Uh. No. It isn't. He is a grown man and if they hadn't been able to get him to do it for the previous 19 years, damned if I was going to waste the next 19+ doing it for him tyvm.

 

In hindsight, I suspect there were lots of indicators that my mil and I were never going to be besties. 😕

Edited July 7, 2016 by Murphy101

[Guest]

On the topic of this thread, my seven year old, unprompted, wrote a thank you card to my mom for a game and some old costume jewelry she sent up for all the kids. The others didn't offer to write one and I won't make them, but I definitely think it's something that isn't weird or mercenary - that she decided to write a letter on her own to a relative she wouldn't see in person.

 

The idea that someone writing a thank you card is somehow rude or puts pressure on the gift giver is still mind bogglingly weird to me.

Edited July 7, 2016 by Arctic Mama

[katilac]

I didn't read all the responses, but I will say that my dd is still working on her graduation thank you notes, so don't despair of getting one. 

 

Would I prefer that she be finished? Yes, I would, but she is working through them slowly and steadily, and is really doing a great job of writing meaningful notes particular to each person, so I'm hoping people don't mind the lateness TOO much! 

 

 

[poppy]

"I've received a gift. I'm not going to be a selfish, entitled ingrate and I'll give the giver tangible evidence of my appreciation, acknowledging they spent time and money on me for my pleasure."

You can't control other people. You can only choose how you will respond. Score keeping about who sent notes ... is that the kind of person you wish to be?

[Annie G]

I didn't read all the responses, but I will say that my dd is still working on her graduation thank you notes, so don't despair of getting one. 

 

Would I prefer that she be finished? Yes, I would, but she is working through them slowly and steadily, and is really doing a great job of writing meaningful notes particular to each person, so I'm hoping people don't mind the lateness TOO much! 

 

Good for your dd!

 

This week I received a thank you from a recent high school grad. It was a Shutterfly photo card that was preprinted with 'thank you for helping me celebrate my graduation' and his mom addressed the envelope.  (I know both her handwriting and his)

 

I don't care that he didn't write a personal thank you. But I do notice and really appreciate notes like your daughter is writing.  During grad season it's often a juggling act to get to all the graduations so it's nice to be remembered.