Are thank you notes not needed anymore?

[Lady Florida.]

I am uncertain about modern protocol because my kids are now asking why they have to write thank you notes.

 

I've always made them write one even for thoughtful (small) gifts.

 

My love language is gifts, so even when someone gives me a candy bar, the fact that they thought of me makes me feel special!

 

But now, my kids are saying that no one else does it so it means no one expects it....

I made ds write them for graduation gifts last month and he asked me why it was necessary if he said thank you or sent a message. I told him they're probably the last ones he'll ever have to write. As sexist as it sounds, if thank you notes are still expected when he gets married, his wife will probably send them. But I do think they're on the way out.

 

I personally don't like them. I feel they're a waste. I would like acknowledgement but I'm happy with a verbal thank you if I gave a gift (including money) in person, or any kind of electronic thank you - text, messenger, or email - if I sent the gift.

Edited July 2, 2016 by Lady Florida.

[SereneHome]

Well,  I make VERY STRONGLY ENCOURAGE my kids to write a Thank you note or to call a person.  I've been brainwashing  teaching them from the very early age that no one has to give you anything and if someone does (yes, Bday and holiday presents included) you should be grateful enough to say "thank you".

 

I don't think you can ever go wrong with saying "thank you".

[Incognito]

Shortly after I moved to the West Coast I was chastised by people for sending Thank You notes.  I was told I was violating the social order and I needed to stop.  I didn't totally stop, but I did slow down a lot and then having kids I've slowed down even more about it.  It was quite surprising to be chewed out for expressing gratefulness, and I really didn't know what to make of it.  I am not sure if it really is a regional difference, or if it is a social class difference (my social circles changed upon my move as well).

 

 

[Sharon77]

 To me, not acknowledging a gift in some fashion, is no different than ripping a present open in front of the giver and then ignorimg them. Rather like having it snatched out of your hand by a brat.

 

This is exactly how I'm feeling. And I can't stand it...

 

If a gift is opened in front of me & I'm verbally thanked, that's enough. If it's sent or not opened in my presence, then there should be a call/email/note. 

Yes, I agree, a verbal thank you is enough

 

 

I think of gifts as fun for the giver and receiver, and don't consider them to have strings attached, ever.  Thank yous don't matter.  

 

I have to say, this statement shocked me. I have never even heard someone say Thank yous don't matter, perhaps I am taking it out of context?

Gifts are only fun for me when I see the recipient smile or see the happiness in their eyes. Or receive a kind note. To just hand over money and hear or see nothing makes me feel taken advantage of. 

 

In my experience, people send thank you cards for weddings only.  I'm gonna bet that's the one card you got - am I right?

 

:) No it wasn't the wedding, with that I can wait. I know they are very busy in this time of life. 

 

It was the senior I gave $100. She wrote me a sweet little note, that I plan on donating to her mission trip too. 

 

 

OP you are a very generous gift giver! I know you weren't posting to brag, but those are significant gifts in my mind. Unless everyone in those gift receivers' lives are that generous, they should be sending a thank you to stay in your good graces. They should at least acknowledge the gifts in some way even if they don't write notes.

:thumbup:

 

I don't do them and I don't like them.  I find them to be a formality that puts distance between the giver and the receiver - it's like, you wouldn't send one of these to your DH, right?  Because you are close enough and the relationship is real enough that thanks is not required when giving gifts; it is understood.

 

We also don't say please or thank you verbally unless we really exceptionally mean it.  We discourage the kids from saying it; if some adult comes into our house and tries to insist that our kids say "please give me the bread" instead of "can I have some bread" or "what is the magic word?" or whatever other nonsense, I tell them quite directly that we don't teach the kids to say these things because in our family they are considered rude.

Wow again. Of course I wouldn't write dh a card! But when he gives/buys me things (he knows my love language is gifts) I show him great appreciation for thinking of me. Because he wants to see me happy. And these are things as little as a card or a piece of candy he brings back from some place. My bro picks up free pens for me at conferences cause he knows how much I love them! He says it's hysterical to see someone so excited over a pen!

 

The people I gave gifts to, are just friends we hang out with in group activities. That's it. 

And yes, I expect a thank you.

 

 

 So since I have messed up in the past, I try to give grace.   What does a high school graduate have to feel overwhelmed about?  It's just easy money for them. 

Agreed. I can understand big life changes and busy jobs.

The seniors? Yes, I expect a thank you of some sort. My dd received $1K over the course of her graduation from many relatives and friends.

You bet she wrote thank you cards!!

[Sharon77]

Shortly after I moved to the West Coast I was chastised by people for sending Thank You notes.  I was told I was violating the social order and I needed to stop.  I didn't totally stop, but I did slow down a lot and then having kids I've slowed down even more about it.  It was quite surprising to be chewed out for expressing gratefulness, and I really didn't know what to make of it.  I am not sure if it really is a regional difference, or if it is a social class difference (my social circles changed upon my move as well).

:confused1:  :confused1:  :confused1: What does that even mean? That's crazy! Were you ever able to understand what the social order is? I would love to know!

[HSmomof2]

I like to think that I'm hip and young and can change with the times :)

So I'd really like to know if thank-you notes are passe.

 

I would like to list the presents not to boast, PLEASE do not take it like that.

It's just perhaps the gifts were not significant enough to warrant a thank-you note? I truly do not know....

 

 

In May of this year, I've given 8 different people graduation/ baby/wedding gifts. All cash.

 

I gave one young woman I volunteered with for 1 year $100 for a new baby.

 

Another young woman for her baby's bday present (I was invited to the big party) $150.

 

HIgh school graduation gifts in the amounts of $50, $75, $75, $100---- all my kids' hsing friends. Nobody we are super close with, just good co-op friends, I am only co-op friends with the moms.

 

$120 for a wedding

 

$100 for a person who was being ordained into ministry

 

I have only received one thank-you note. The others, the only way I know they got the gift is when the check has been cashed :)

 

I still like all these people and my feelings for them will not change at all, but I am wondering, are notes, whether paper or email, considered unnecessary?

I think thank you notes, paper preferably (but email is certainly better than nothing) are still the right thing to do when receiving a gift.....especially for something like graduation/weddings/showers.

[momacacia]

Showers, weddings, graduations, major occasions like that, yes a thank you is still needed. Birthday, I'd say not needed.

 

And, after baby gift (as in gave the gift within first 3 months postpartum), please new mommy, do any of a million other things but don't write me a thank you note. ;)

[mamiof5]

I don't do them and I don't like them. I find them to be a formality that puts distance between the giver and the receiver - it's like, you wouldn't send one of these to your DH, right? Because you are close enough and the relationship is real enough that thanks is not required when giving gifts; it is understood.

 

We also don't say please or thank you verbally unless we really exceptionally mean it. We discourage the kids from saying it; if some adult comes into our house and tries to insist that our kids say "please give me the bread" instead of "can I have some bread" or "what is the magic word?" or whatever other nonsense, I tell them quite directly that we don't teach the kids to say these things because in our family they are considered rude.

I probably misunderstood your post, I'm tired and sleep deprived so I'm having a hard time following the conversation. What's considered rude in your family? Do you mind explaining a bit? I'm just not getting it. Sorry, very slow today :(

[mamiof5]

Shortly after I moved to the West Coast I was chastised by people for sending Thank You notes. I was told I was violating the social order and I needed to stop. I didn't totally stop, but I did slow down a lot and then having kids I've slowed down even more about it. It was quite surprising to be chewed out for expressing gratefulness, and I really didn't know what to make of it. I am not sure if it really is a regional difference, or if it is a social class difference (my social circles changed upon my move as well).

Really??? Hope this is not the rule in AZ. If it is, I've broken it one too many times :)

[mamiof5]

I didn't grow up with thank you notes. No idea if it's the culture, or just the area where I was raised? But when I came to the US was exposed to the concept and I love it! We have our kids do it every time we have a chance. Birthdays, Christmas presents, graduation, fundraising support etc. Our son made 2 nice cards for his baseball coaches at a camp he did this week, he had a blast and wanted to acknowledge it in writing.

[abacus2]

I was taught to do thank you cards for big events like weddings, baby showers, and graduation. I do not want to burden the person I am giving a gift to. Thank you cards feel wasteful to me, especially coming from someone who already thanked me in person. 

 

I personally failed to get my wedding thank you cards out. I literally had 100s of gifts to write thank you cards for. I am slow at writing and find it difficult. I spent many hours writing thank you cards. After about a year and a half, I was halfway done, lacked contact information for many people, and couldn't afford the postage on the cards I had written, so I gave up, threw out everything, and hope it isn't held against me. I am extremely grateful for the many gifts we received, but thank you cards didn't happen.

 

 

[HSmomof2]

Shortly after I moved to the West Coast I was chastised by people for sending Thank You notes. I was told I was violating the social order and I needed to stop. I didn't totally stop, but I did slow down a lot and then having kids I've slowed down even more about it. It was quite surprising to be chewed out for expressing gratefulness, and I really didn't know what to make of it. I am not sure if it really is a regional difference, or if it is a social class difference (my social circles changed upon my move as well).

I've always lived on the west coast and have always sent and received thank you's. I don't send them for everything, many things are just a verbal thank you, but definitely for wedding/showers/special gifts. Dc call their grandma on the east coast to thank her for gifts. She'd rather talk to them than get a note.

[Melissa in Australia]

I have never sent a thank you note or received one ever. I never knew about thank you notes until reading this thread. Maybe they are not a thing over here?

[Melissa in Australia]

I have never sent a thank you note or received one ever. I never knew about thank you notes until reading this thread. Maybe they are not a thing over here?

[Annie G]

We taught the kids to write thank you notes, but as they became adults I noticed they rarely do. That bugs me but they're adults and it's their choice.  But ds did recently write a thank you to someone who gave him some temporary part time work- so I am glad about that. 

 

I have written two thank you notes this morning- one to a friend for sitting with me while dh had surgery, and the other to a couple who has recently gone above and beyond to help us.  Neither situation required a note but I think it's nice to let people know you appreciate them. 

 

I received a totally unneeded than you note yesterday for a small donation to our local homeschool group. I was not expecting it at all, but it was so nice of them to make that extra effort to show appreciation. 

 

I'm an old fashioned thank you note kind of gal. 

 

[Okra]

We write thank yous for any amount.   Although I worry about my children not keeping it up, I really have to be on top of them to make it happen, and one is attending college next year. 

 

I hope she does, as it is just a  nice simple gesture that doesn't take too much time out of a day.

[Hyacinth]

There a lot of issues raised on these forums where I can see the validity of two opposing sides. This isn't one of them.

 

Expressing gratitude--whether in person, text, phone, email, or snail mail--is always the right thing to do.

 

Ignoring a gift-giver's thoughtfulness is always rude.

 

 

 

[Valley Girl]

In my opinion and in what I teach my children, expressing thanks to people who have taken the time give a gift or do something special is what well-mannered people do. (And, yes, I am quite judgmental about it. No apologies for that.)

 

For us, graduations... weddings... and other happy milestone events require a written note and envelope. If an in-person thank isn't possible, birthday thanks are a phone call or a note depending on the circumstance. I've written thank you notes for kindnesses received upon the death of a loved one, but that's the one area where I think there's a lot of leeway. Quite honestly, I don't buy the whole "if you give a gift expecting thanks, it's not a gift" nonsense. If people give a gift, it is not unreasonable to want to know that the recipient enjoyed it, found it useful, heck, even just received it.

 

I know from previous threads that plenty of people disagree with that. That's cool. However, I have finite time and resources, and I've found that I'm not willing to invest much thought or effort in giving gifts to people who seem as though they could care less if I do.

[PeacefulChaos]

 

I have to say, this statement shocked me. I have never even heard someone say Thank yous don't matter, perhaps I am taking it out of context?

Gifts are only fun for me when I see the recipient smile or see the happiness in their eyes. Or receive a kind note. To just hand over money and hear or see nothing makes me feel taken advantage of. 

 

 

Well, when I say Thank Yous don't matter, I mean in the context of being the person who has given the gift.  

 

I give gifts to give, not to receive accolades or appreciation.  It is usually obvious that a person likes a gift, and TBH I've never had someone not thank people for gifts verbally and in person as it was being received.  I think sending a thank you note on top of that would be a waste.

 

I may not be expressing it well.  I still believe in saying thank you when I receive something, and gifts are my love language as well, which is perhaps why to me the thank yous from others don't matter.  My kids say thank you, as well.  So I'm not saying that we don't believe in thank yous... but that whether or not I receive a thank you doesn't affect me at all.  

 

Did that explain it better?  

 

 

We also don't live in a culture where gifts are sent a lot.  It's just a foreign idea to me, unless it is, again, a graduation, wedding, baby gift, but even then it is pretty rare.  Those are the things that I was taught to do thank yous for, and I guess I'll teach my kids the same.  I still don't think it is a huge deal, but I'd hate to think that other people in the world think that we are somehow rude or backwards because they don't get a handwritten note in the mail for a onesie or a sleeper that one of my kids one day gets for an upcoming kid or whatever.  

That is the attitude I don't understand, and really what I was trying to address more than what we do personally... that gifts don't have strings attached.  Gifts should be freely given and not withheld after someone doesn't 'thank' 'appropriately'.  It sort of makes me feel ill to think people would do such a thing.  

 

I guess I'm just someone who believes that the joy is to be found in giving the gifts, not in how nice the handwritten thank you card looks.

Edited July 2, 2016 by PeacefulChaos

[JessReplanted]

We send thank you notes. It might take us a while to get them out, but I think it is important to teach my children to express gratitude.

[poppy]

This is exactly how I'm feeling. And I can't stand it...

 

Yes, I agree, a verbal thank you is enough

 

I have to say, this statement shocked me. I have never even heard someone say Thank yous don't matter, perhaps I am taking it out of context?

Gifts are only fun for me when I see the recipient smile or see the happiness in their eyes. Or receive a kind note. To just hand over money and hear or see nothing makes me feel taken advantage of. 

 

:) No it wasn't the wedding, with that I can wait. I know they are very busy in this time of life. 

 

It was the senior I gave $100. She wrote me a sweet little note, that I plan on donating to her mission trip too. 

 

:thumbup:

 

Wow again. Of course I wouldn't write dh a card! But when he gives/buys me things (he knows my love language is gifts) I show him great appreciation for thinking of me. Because he wants to see me happy. And these are things as little as a card or a piece of candy he brings back from some place. My bro picks up free pens for me at conferences cause he knows how much I love them! He says it's hysterical to see someone so excited over a pen!

 

The people I gave gifts to, are just friends we hang out with in group activities. That's it. 

And yes, I expect a thank you.

 

 

Agreed. I can understand big life changes and busy jobs.

The seniors? Yes, I expect a thank you of some sort. My dd received $1K over the course of her graduation from many relatives and friends.

You bet she wrote thank you cards!!

 

Re: the bolded. You only give gifts so you can get a thank you? Then it's not a gift. It's an exchange.   I know you don't think of it that way, but to me it reads as "I trade money for displays of gratitude".

[Jane in NC]

I don't give gifts to receive thank you notes but I do think that an acknowledgement of the gift is a lovely thing.  It tells me that the gift has arrived for one thing. Our extended family lives in a number of states.  I don't see all of my nieces and nephews and their children that often so my notes to them or gifts are one way of reminding them that we have a relationship.

 

My niece who lives in a western state will often send an email after I send her boys a Valentine or small gift.  She has often remarked on how much she loved mail as a child and how her boys also get excited when a card arrives for them.  This encourages me to keep sending the boys mail.  And even though I may only see her lads once or twice a year, they know my husband and me. 

 

Admittedly I was a bit miffed after the holidays this year. I had send an eight year old grand niece a special gift and would have loved to have received a note of thanks from her.  A couple of months after the holidays, I was visiting friends and having a discussion of holiday gift giving.  This couple has drastically cut back on gifts instead hosting family events, either holiday parties or summer boating.  They decided that everyone just has too much stuff so they would rather host experiences for the younger members of the family.  I like this idea but with family living all over the place, it just won't happen for me. Hence the gifts.  But when I complained about not having the gifts acknowledged, I was told that I was not a true gift giver.  This really took me aback as I see acknowledgement as something anyone with manners would do.

 

I don't expect anyone with a new baby to send a thank you note.  If a friend is ill or a new parent and I supply food, I don't expect an acknowledgement.  I am talking about holiday and graduation gifts. 

[Valley Girl]

Re: the bolded. You only give gifts so you can get a thank you? Then it's not a gift. It's an exchange.   I know you don't think of it that way, but to me it reads as "I trade money for displays of gratitude".

 

I'm not the person to whom you responded but I easily could have been because I share the general sentiment. I do NOT give a gift for the purpose of receiving a thank you. I do not do it so that I have a pretty card to look at after the fact. If that's how you're reading it, then I think you're missing what some of us are saying. 

 

I give a gift to celebrate an event, share someone's milestones, and, hopefully, please the recipient. And while it's done freely and with love, people on the receiving end should understand that when others go out of their way for you, it's appropriate to acknowledge the effort. Why that very basic courtesy is somehow controversial when the topic comes up eludes me.

 

If I my children do something for me whether it be an act of kindness or a chore, I say "thank you." When my husband stops on the way home from work to do an errand I didn't have time for, I let him know I appreciate it. Even when it's not so great, my husband never fails to thank me for making dinner. When someone gives me a gift, I make sure to acknowledge it. Because nobody HAS to do anything for us. But we sure like it when they do.

[Guest]

There a lot of issues raised on these forums where I can see the validity of two opposing sides. This isn't one of them.

 

Expressing gratitude--whether in person, text, phone, email, or snail mail--is always the right thing to do.

 

Ignoring a gift-giver's thoughtfulness is always rude.

And maybe I'm just lower class and broke, but those are substantial gifts in my circle. Not a small shower gift or birthday present at all. That level of generosity is met with a thank you, and certainly warrants a card or letter. We try to practice doing both and thankfully most people seem happy to get handwritten letters from myself and the kids expressing gratitude and goodwill.

 

But yeah, I wouldn't consider those too small to warrant a written or at least typed thanks by any stretch!

[Guest]

Re: the bolded. You only give gifts so you can get a thank you? Then it's not a gift. It's an exchange. I know you don't think of it that way, but to me it reads as "I trade money for displays of gratitude".

Giving gifts is a love language for some people more than others. I give gifts for the joy of watching someone else be happy too.

[happi duck]

For a gift that you weren't handed in person I think it's especially important to acknowledge that you received it!

 

I'm confused by the notion of thank you notes always being formal and distant. Ime, thank you notes tend to reflect the relationship...some are formal, some chatty, some funny etc.

 

And yes, I might thank my dh in writing for a gift! (Obviously not *required*)

 

Eta:

I like writing notes, letters, cards and postcards anyway. I wonder if people who hate thank-you notes don't like written correspondence in general?

Edited July 2, 2016 by happi duck

[kitten18]

Re: the bolded. You only give gifts so you can get a thank you? Then it's not a gift. It's an exchange. I know you don't think of it that way, but to me it reads as "I trade money for displays of gratitude".

I totally agree. And that is the impression I have gotten many, many times over the years when reading these kinds of threads.

 

 

 

I would be thrilled to never ever receive another thank you note.

[eternalsummer]

I probably misunderstood your post, I'm tired and sleep deprived so I'm having a hard time following the conversation. What's considered rude in your family? Do you mind explaining a bit? I'm just not getting it. Sorry, very slow today :(

 

In our family it is rude to use formal expressions of thanks or request; it separates the people using the expressions (by formalizing their interactions) and says (for us) "you are not someone I'm close enough to to just say what I want or need, instead I must couch it in some sort of formal language").

 

So for us, saying "thanks" and "please" before and after every single give/take interaction is a mark or what other people do in public settings, and *not* what we do with people we know or care about.

 

Except in extreme circumstances, where it's not a formality but really an expression of the feeling itself.

 

Like, I'm not actually all that thankful that DD gives me the butter knife - she is as me, and the passing of the butter knife is an expected thing between us, and it has nothing to do with please or thanks.

 

But I *am* thankful if she cleans the kitchen when I was expecting to have to do it myself at the end of a long day, so then I will thank her.

 

At Christmas, for instance, we don't say thank you after opening every gift (or sometimes any of them) - we all know we're getting each other gifts, so to say thank you formally is just weird, to us.  We do say things like, "oh, it's wonderful!" (if it is wonderful) or "perfect color, this is awesome!" or whatever - just whatever comes naturally.  

 

Then again, we are in general pretty direct and honest with the kids and each other.  They have never believed in Santa Claus because we don't lie to them.  So I guess small children don't normally do a lot of thanking at Christmas anyway because it is all from this mythical "Santa" who isn't there to thank :)

Edited July 2, 2016 by ananemone

[eternalsummer]

If I send my sister $150 worth of groceries when she is having a poor week, I would vastly prefer if she not call or email or write me a thank you note (gack) because it makes me uncomfortable.  I didn't get her the groceries in exchange for any sort of expression of gratitude, or to acknowledge how great I am for  giving her something; I got them because she's broke and I'm not, at the moment, and it makes me happy to think of her being slightly better fed.

 

The formal expression of gratitude is just a separate thing from all of that.  If we're talking anyway and she happens to say, hey, thanks for the groceries!  that is natural and fine - but if she writes me an email specifically for the purpose it makes me feel yuck and I'm hesistant to buy the groceries next time because I feel like there's some sort of weird distance between us now because of it, if that makes sense.

[OnTheBrink]

I made dd write thank-you notes for her graduation gifts before I let her deposit them. If she gets a check from her grandparents, she has to call and thank them before depositing. They don't care about notes, but they do appreciate thankfulness. 

 

And, I think thank-you notes should be specific to the person and the gift. I spent bucks on a wedding gift for a friend's daughter's bridal shower. During the shower, she was laughing and cutting up with her friends while opening gifts, never really acknowledging the giver, sort of acting like they weren't even there. Her thank-you notes were, "Thanks for the gift. It's appreciated." I don't think she had the first idea who gave her what, nor did she care. Rude. 

[happi duck]

I grew up with "can I have the butter?" (said in a pleasant voice) and dh grew up with "*Please* can you pass the butter?" with please and thank you being required.

 

I don't like *required* please and thank yous *but* there is a lot of ground between required use and forbidden use.

 

Please and thank you are not always formal and/or insincere!

 

Ananemone...please know that when you hear others using please and thank you that they are *not* automatically being insincere or overly formal etc. It sounds like you've encountered that but it isn't universal.

[catz]

I totally agree. And that is the impression I have gotten many, many times over the years when reading these kinds of threads.

 

 

 

I would be thrilled to never ever receive another thank you note.

 

As someone who had a couple envelopes stolen at my urban wedding, I don't think wanting simple acknowledgment of receipt and appreciation is over the top for something like a wedding, graduation, etc.  I don't get never wanting to see one again.  I get it if you're indifferent.  Dreading getting them is over the top to me.  I personally think an e-mail, call, text, message is all fine in this regard.  It doesn't mean I'm giving the gift to get the thank you.  I don't lose any sleep if I don't get one.  I just appreciate it when I know someone physically got something.  If they share their appreciation, I enjoy that too.

 

I send thank yous.  I've never spent more than 3 minutes writing one.  I buy cheap blank cards at the dollar store.  When I get a thank you, I don't expect poetry at all.  I don't get the hatred for them. 

 

However, I do not like public thank yous on social media.  If people tag me in one, I remove from my timeline.  Those are over the top and unnecessarily demonstrative in most cases IMO. 

 

My husband did all the thank yous for his side of the family/guest list at our wedding.  We actually bought cheap post cards from our honey moon destination to do them.  So don't let your sons off the hook for that!

[PeacefulChaos]

I'm not the person to whom you responded but I easily could have been because I share the general sentiment. I do NOT give a gift for the purpose of receiving a thank you. I do not do it so that I have a pretty card to look at after the fact. If that's how you're reading it, then I think you're missing what some of us are saying. 

 

I give a gift to celebrate an event, share someone's milestones, and, hopefully, please the recipient. And while it's done freely and with love, people on the receiving end should understand that when others go out of their way for you, it's appropriate to acknowledge the effort. Why that very basic courtesy is somehow controversial when the topic comes up eludes me.

 

If I my children do something for me whether it be an act of kindness or a chore, I say "thank you." When my husband stops on the way home from work to do an errand I didn't have time for, I let him know I appreciate it. Even when it's not so great, my husband never fails to thank me for making dinner. When someone gives me a gift, I make sure to acknowledge it. Because nobody HAS to do anything for us. But we sure like it when they do.

 

I think there is a big difference between acknowledging what we do (the entire last paragraph quoted) and expecting something of others (the middle paragraph).

 

While I am not sure who has said it, there have been people who have said that they will not continue to give gifts to those who do not send an appropriate thank you note.  That, to me, is very sad.  I can't speak for the poster you quoted, but to me, to cut off future gifts because of what they feel is an inappropriate gesture of gratefulness is more wrong than whatever an inappropriate gesture of gratefulness may be.

At the same time, however, if someone was giving *me* gifts with stipulations and strings attached like that, I am pretty sure *I* wouldn't want their gifts, anyway.  

[poppy]

Giving gifts is a love language for some people more than others. I give gifts for the joy of watching someone else be happy too.

 

"Dear Aunt Linda, Thank you for the kind gesture of the gift card! It was so nice to hear from you on my birthday. Tom and I had a lovely dinner at the steakhouse.  Warmly, Debra".    To me that isn't watching someone be happy, it's just checking off the obligation.  Of course I know that's not true for everyone, but, if I never get a TY card, I do not care in the least.

 

 

Rant warning: I can't stand the love languages! Everyone likes getting gifts.... but "I like getting gifts" is now a personal identity for some. I find that really off-putting.

(I am guessing from your wording this isn't your love language.... hope it didn't read as an attack).

[happi duck]

If I send my sister $150 worth of groceries when she is having a poor week, I would vastly prefer if she not call or email or write me a thank you note (gack) because it makes me uncomfortable. I didn't get her the groceries in exchange for any sort of expression of gratitude, or to acknowledge how great I am for giving her something; I got them because she's broke and I'm not, at the moment, and it makes me happy to think of her being slightly better fed.

 

The formal expression of gratitude is just a separate thing from all of that. If we're talking anyway and she happens to say, hey, thanks for the groceries! that is natural and fine - but if she writes me an email specifically for the purpose it makes me feel yuck and I'm hesistant to buy the groceries next time because I feel like there's some sort of weird distance between us now because of it, if that makes sense.

I wouldn't be surprised if my sister shared good news with me: "hey sis, my friend Bob left a box of groceries on my doorstep, isn't that great? I really needed them." So I wouldn't be surprised if she specifically phoned or emailed to say "I got the groceries you left on my doorstep, thanks! I really needed them." I wouldn't be surprised about a thank you *because* we have a close relationship and we're not hesitant to help each other or to thank each other, kwim?

 

I would never expect a "formal" thank you.

 

I hope you wouldn't really stop doing nice things because a "thank you" made you feel yucky.

[Jane in NC]

If I send my sister $150 worth of groceries when she is having a poor week, I would vastly prefer if she not call or email or write me a thank you note (gack) because it makes me uncomfortable.  I didn't get her the groceries in exchange for any sort of expression of gratitude, or to acknowledge how great I am for  giving her something; I got them because she's broke and I'm not, at the moment, and it makes me happy to think of her being slightly better fed.

 

The formal expression of gratitude is just a separate thing from all of that.  If we're talking anyway and she happens to say, hey, thanks for the groceries!  that is natural and fine - but if she writes me an email specifically for the purpose it makes me feel yuck and I'm hesistant to buy the groceries next time because I feel like there's some sort of weird distance between us now because of it, if that makes sense.

 

I don't think most of us were discussing the situation in bold.  At least I am not.  I am talking about holiday and life events (graduation, birthdays, showers, etc.)

 

There is someone in my life who I have given financial assistance several times over the last few years.  I have paid for car repairs, a medical bill, tuition--non-trivial sums.  This person is a good friend who knows that it drives me crazy if she doesn't have a working vehicle or see the doctor when she needs to do so.  She always thanks me verbally.  I don't expect a card for something like this although she has written them. That card usually says less about the gift I have given and more about how my friend appreciates me.  This has not placed any sort of distance between us.  In fact, we are probably closer than ever.

 

[Valley Girl]

 

 

While I am not sure who has said it, there have been people who have said that they will not continue to give gifts to those who do not send an appropriate thank you note.  That, to me, is very sad.  I can't speak for the poster you quoted, but to me, to cut off future gifts because of what they feel is an inappropriate gesture of gratefulness is more wrong than whatever an inappropriate gesture of gratefulness may be.

 

 

I don't know. There are people to whom I continue to give gifts even though I know they will not acknowledge its receipt. But given a limited amount of time and resources, I will say I'm much more likely to go out of my way to put in extra effort for people who take the trouble to let me know that the gift pleased them (as I hoped it would) as opposed to those who simply accept the gift as their due with no response of any kind. Again, I think (and teach my children) that it's basic good manners. Others do differently. We'll all probably just continue to judge each other accordingly.

[Guest]

I don't do them and I don't like them. I find them to be a formality that puts distance between the giver and the receiver - it's like, you wouldn't send one of these to your DH, right? Because you are close enough and the relationship is real enough that thanks is not required when giving gifts; it is understood.

 

We also don't say please or thank you verbally unless we really exceptionally mean it. We discourage the kids from saying it; if some adult comes into our house and tries to insist that our kids say "please give me the bread" instead of "can I have some bread" or "what is the magic word?" or whatever other nonsense, I tell them quite directly that we don't teach the kids to say these things because in our family they are considered rude.

I'm curious- do you ever worry that this might come back to bite your children in the professional world? I'm not sure if you are in the US, but coming from my experience here, please and thank you are basic politeness, and lack of would be a huge detriment if they wanted to aspire to upper ranks of a company, or own their own business and have to deal with customers. I'm not saying they have to be simpering fools, but I cannot see someone at a higher executive level not using please or thank you, particularly if they're dealing with donors or investors. And sure- your secretary would write the letter, but people donating or investing money in certain areas are going to expect a letter of acknowledgement from a decently high ranked company representative, which is basically- a thank you note on company stationary.

[Incognito]

I've always lived on the west coast and have always sent and received thank you's. I don't send them for everything, many things are just a verbal thank you, but definitely for wedding/showers/special gifts. Dc call their grandma on the east coast to thank her for gifts. She'd rather talk to them than get a note.

 

I think the level of acceptable thanks was the issue.  I wasn't doing it for big occasions, but for gifts.  I have/had always felt that when someone gives a gift (over $10 or so) a thank you card was appropriate.  Also, for other things like favors/help doing larger household tasks/ etc.  It's been a long time since this happened (I'm getting old!), but it's what I can remember of it.  I *think* big occasions weren't considered an issue, and considering it all more now that I am older, perhaps it was a person I shouldn't have listened to at all.  It was quite surprising, and it did seem to fit with what I was experiencing from the people around me.  I will admit I was left thinking it was a social class issue and if I continued to send thank you notes it would be me inadvertently advertising my wealthier/more educated background and causing others to feel guilty in some way.

[Sharon77]

There a lot of issues raised on these forums where I can see the validity of two opposing sides. This isn't one of them.

 

Expressing gratitude--whether in person, text, phone, email, or snail mail--is always the right thing to do.

 

Ignoring a gift-giver's thoughtfulness is always rude.

Thank you for this. I too feel it is rude.

 

 However, I have finite time and resources, and I've found that I'm not willing to invest much thought or effort in giving gifts to people who seem as though they could care less if I do.

Yes, this is how I am feeling. If it doesn't make a difference to them, I'd like to keep my money!

 

Re: the bolded. You only give gifts so you can get a thank you? Then it's not a gift. It's an exchange.   I know you don't think of it that way, but to me it reads as "I trade money for displays of gratitude".

I give gifts to let the person I am thinking of them. If it doesn't matter to them at all, I'd rather not give it. I literally get nothing from giving a kid from co-op a graduation gift. I can find more things to do with my money than that. 

 

I'm curious- do you ever worry that this might come back to bite your children in the professional world? I'm not sure if you are in the US, but coming from my experience here, please and thank you are basic politeness, and lack of would be a huge detriment if they wanted to aspire to upper ranks of a company, or own their own business and have to deal with customers. I'm not saying they have to be simpering fools, but I cannot see someone at a higher executive level not using please or thank you, particularly if they're dealing with donors or investors. And sure- your secretary would write the letter, but people donating or investing money in certain areas are going to expect a letter of acknowledgement from a decently high ranked company representative, which is basically- a thank you note on company stationary.

This is an excellent point. My dh is a high level executive and not saying thank you would never fly. And he would never have gotten to where he is.

He sends gifts and thank-yous constantly.

 

AND

 

he's involved in hiring dozens of people a month.

Ungrateful or entitled people always get negative strikes

 

whether anyone likes it or not, it may mean a job!

[catz]

I think the discussion about writing a thank you being about checking a box is interesting.  Plenty of times I'm invited to an event where a gift is a social norm like a wedding or graduation and I write a check.  That also feels like checking a box to me.  Using please and thank you probably to excess is another of those things.  I was in a European country recently and I was really reminded of this by how many times I heard "Thank you" and "you're welcome" in single conversations in the foreign language.

 

I personally have zero issue with no gift occasions.  Some people find it really offensive to see "No gifts please" on invitations.  Gift giving is definitely not my love language since that came up.

 

If I show up to a wedding without a gift, a couple might think me rude.  If I show up with a gift, and never even get acknowledgment of receipt, I might think them rude.  Maybe our social norms are different?  Maybe they are rude?  Maybe people are just oblivious? Anyway, an aside, but food for thought. 

 

I can't imagine thinking badly of someone for sending the thank you.  Which is almost the feel I get from some responses on this thread. 

 

ETA - I was going to add I know people who have cut off gift giving.  Like we don't gift our out of town adult niece and nephew any more.  We just aren't in heavy contact with them and barely know them as adults.  We were much more in contact with their family when they were kids.  Relationships are 2 way streets and if it turns one way, sometimes it makes sense to just end that part of a relationship.  We still have a cordial relationship with these adults.  One is getting married this year so he will get several gifts from us before all is said and done.

Edited July 2, 2016 by WoolySocks

[Tanaqui]

If I send my sister $150 worth of groceries when she is having a poor week, I would vastly prefer if she not call or email or write me a thank you note (gack) because it makes me uncomfortable.  I didn't get her the groceries in exchange for any sort of expression of gratitude, or to acknowledge how great I am for  giving her something; I got them because she's broke and I'm not, at the moment, and it makes me happy to think of her being slightly better fed.

 

I think that's an entirely different situation. Because you're family, it's not quite charity, but it's not really a "gift" either. In that situation I would still prefer at least a text "Got the groceries!" (because I want to know that they didn't get waylaid) but yes, nothing drawn out or awkward as well - because unlike normal gifts, this one is difficult to reciprocate. Better to keep it short and sweet.

[Guest]

Thank you for this. I too feel it is rude.

 

Yes, this is how I am feeling. If it doesn't make a difference to them, I'd like to keep my money!

 

I give gifts to let the person I am thinking of them. If it doesn't matter to them at all, I'd rather not give it. I literally get nothing from giving a kid from co-op a graduation gift. I can find more things to do with my money than that.

 

This is an excellent point. My dh is a high level executive and not saying thank you would never fly. And he would never have gotten to where he is.

He sends gifts and thank-yous constantly.

 

AND

 

he's involved in hiring dozens of people a month.

Ungrateful or entitled people always get negative strikes

 

whether anyone likes it or not, it may mean a job!

Your post just made me think of the after the interview "thank you for the opportunity " email from the applicants that is always well received. If it came down to two applicants who were equal on every level, but one sent a polite follow up email and the other did not, that would make my choice a lot easier on which I would hire.

[Sharon77]

I appreciate all the replies. It really is eye-opening to understand the different views out there. 

 

I've also realized and now not afraid to say, yes, I give gifts and expect something in return. I expect appreciation shown in some way.

When I give a gift, I am sacrificing something from myself whether time or money. 

 

Yes, I would rather give it to someone who appreciates it and benefits from it.

 

I am going to adjust my gift giving accordingly.

[PeacefulChaos]

 

 

ETA - I was going to add I know people who have cut off gift giving.  Like we don't gift our out of town adult niece and nephew any more.  We just aren't in heavy contact with them and barely know them as adults.  We were much more in contact with their family when they were kids.  Relationships are 2 way streets and if it turns one way, sometimes it makes sense to just end that part of a relationship.  We still have a cordial relationship with these adults.  One is getting married this year so he will get several gifts from us before all is said and done.

 

To clarify just in case this is response to anything I've said, the regular change of relationship that occurs, or changing giving patterns because of finances or whatever, is a totally different thing.  

We used to buy gifts for DH's entire family at Christmas.  That's... hang on... MIL/FIL + 3 sets of BIL/SILs + 4 nieces and 7 nephews, in our case.  It was just too much because of the cost.  We tried drawing names for a year or so before we just stopped altogether, with the exception of MIL/FIL.  We do gifts for the kids birthdays sometimes, but it varies because we aren't close with some as much as we are with others.  

 

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I get the part quoted.  I was only speaking of people specifically saying they weren't going to give gifts anymore to people if they didn't get thank you notes from them.  

[Murphy101]

I don't do them and I don't like them. I find them to be a formality that puts distance between the giver and the receiver - it's like, you wouldn't send one of these to your DH, right? Because you are close enough and the relationship is real enough that thanks is not required when giving gifts; it is understood.

 

We also don't say please or thank you verbally unless we really exceptionally mean it. We discourage the kids from saying it; if some adult comes into our house and tries to insist that our kids say "please give me the bread" instead of "can I have some bread" or "what is the magic word?" or whatever other nonsense, I tell them quite directly that we don't teach the kids to say these things because in our family they are considered rude.

Actually, yes, I have sent thank you cards to my dh. It is also understood that I love him, but I still say it anyways.

 

It's never rude to tell the people we love that we love them or to tell the people we appreciate that we appreciate them. We should not be ostentatious about it, but a simple "thank you" is hardly like that.

[PeacefulChaos]

I appreciate all the replies. It really is eye-opening to understand the different views out there. 

 

I've also realized and now not afraid to say, yes, I give gifts and expect something in return. I expect appreciation shown in some way.

When I give a gift, I am sacrificing something from myself whether time or money. 

 

Yes, I would rather give it to someone who appreciates it and benefits from it.

 

I am going to adjust my gift giving accordingly.

.

I was thinking about replying to your other reply (lol) but then I saw this and I agree with the bolded.  Regardless of what everyone thinks on thank yous and not, it comes down to doing things in a way that then don't make us feel unhappy about having given in the first place.

 

Example 1: If I don't know someone well, I don't generally give a gift, anyway.  You had mentioned a kid in co-op - if I didn't know the kid well, I wouldn't have given it to begin with.  Not saying that is what happened in your case, but I do know that it used to be the thing to do to send people a gift if an announcement was received.  I think my grandma still does that, but I gave up on it a long time ago.  I've had to adjust my gift giving in that way because of financial reasons, mostly.  (Well, and there's this story: Link was having his 2nd birthday with some family - aunts, uncles, cousins - and one of them gave him some money.  One of the uncles was like, 'Oh, we all know mom and dad are actually who use that money!' and I'm thinking uuummmmm no... but the kicker was that I'd been sending his kids money on their birthdays for a couple years. Apparently he went out and spent it himself, or his wife did.  So.  I stopped sending it. :lol: )

 

Example 2: My grandma doesn't like when newly married couples use her financial gift for the honeymoon.  That has been hotly debated here, too, in the past, and I can see both sides, so I'm definitely not trying to start anything up about that!!  Suffice to say she always preferred that it be used for something for their home, etc.  She never said anything when she got thank you cards that said they used it to go out to eat on their honeymoon, etc - I only knew about it because it's me! - Instead, she just decided to get them gift cards to wherever they had registered.  It could then serve their purposes - getting what they wanted from a place they obviously liked - as well as hers - feeling like her money was going toward their home.  

 

Anyway, in lots of cases, we adjust how we do things so that we don't end up feeling uncomfortable.  So I totally get what you are saying and think that's really the crux of the whole thing - everyone should just do what they are comfortable with that makes them happy.  :)

[Murphy101]

I think there is a big difference between acknowledging what we do (the entire last paragraph quoted) and expecting something of others (the middle paragraph).

 

While I am not sure who has said it, there have been people who have said that they will not continue to give gifts to those who do not send an appropriate thank you note. That, to me, is very sad. I can't speak for the poster you quoted, but to me, to cut off future gifts because of what they feel is an inappropriate gesture of gratefulness is more wrong than whatever an inappropriate gesture of gratefulness may be.

At the same time, however, if someone was giving *me* gifts with stipulations and strings attached like that, I am pretty sure *I* wouldn't want their gifts, anyway.

I don't think it is sad at all. It just sounds like it's some sort of relationship flag for some people. For all the talk of how a gift is a gift with no expectation, relationships are not usually like that. They tend to be two way streets. If I am the only one to ever make any effort to maintain a relationship, whether it be gifts or other aspects - it is normal and healthy to question whether there is a genuine relationship in existence and if I want to continue maintaining it one-sided. And if not, then hey, no hard feeling, people drift and change. It happens. But no, it's okay to decide to let it go. Which could mean many aspects of the one sided relationship stop, such as no longer sending gifts to people I feel I don't have a genuine a relationship with anymore.

[PeacefulChaos]

Oh, and I'll be in the minority and say that I do think public shout outs have their place (social media, in my experience).  If someone has done something big, I'm going to say it on FB.  Not necessarily if it is personal, but my BFF and I planned a big field day for weeks and put a ton of work and money into it.  Another friend let us use her house/yard and was part of the planning process.  Yet others helped by setting up the day before and the morning of, blowing up balloons, spray painting lines, staking out obstacle courses, and supervising games.  

 

After it was all said and done, I gave a huge shout out to all of them, tagging them in the post and everything - especially BFF, and the few others who had done extra help.  I don't think that's embarrassing or inappropriate at all, but it wasn't a private event, either.  :)

[Sharon77]

I don't think it is sad at all. It just sounds like it's some sort of relationship flag for some people. For all the talk of how a gift is a gift with no expectation, relationships are not usually like that. They tend to be two way streets. If I am the only one to ever make any effort to maintain a relationship, whether it be gifts or other aspects - it is normal and healthy to question whether there is a genuine relationship in existence and if I want to continue maintaining it one-sided. And if not, then hey, no hard feeling, people drift and change. It happens. But no, it's okay to decide to let it go. Which could mean many aspects of the one sided relationship stop, such as no longer sending gifts to people I feel I don't have a genuine a relationship with anymore.

You just verbalized what I'm feeling but couldn't figure out.