The difference between normal desire for marital (emotional) intimacy and emotional dependence

[Janie Grace]

This is a question I have struggled with my whole marriage. I know it's common for a woman to crave more emotional "connection" than a man. But I'm pretty sure I want this too much (hyper-sensitivity to whether I feel we are close or not, panicky feeling when we are not). Yes, I have a childhood history that explains this.  

 

How do you know when you have an overblown desire for emotional connection (that he cannot satisfy) and how do you know when it's a good instinct that helps preserve closeness in the marriage? How do you go from being "the girl that always needed a doting boyfriend" to "that emotionally healthy middle-aged wife who doesn't drive her dh crazy"? 
 

If it's the latter, how do you get better? What are your strategies to NOT be this way? I'm a Christian, so if that's part of your answer, that's great. But please don't tell me that only God can fully satisfy all the longings of our hearts. I really don't believe that anymore (for this life). I think His comfort is very real, but I think that we will be somewhat restless until we are with Him face to face. I don't believe in a sublime state of constant fulfillment in Jesus. (But if that's your experience, I'm happy for you.)

 

Please be gentle with me. It's humbling and hard to see less-than-flattering stuff about how you've been doing marriage for 15+ years. :(

[EndOfOrdinary]

I am all ears. Some of this I think comes from how our culture views women aging vs men aging.

 

The last few months I have been really uncomfortable with any form of physical flattery or such from my husband. I want him to find my intelligence, mothering, loving nurturing, emotional strength, whatever to be desirable. This stems from recently being surrounded by girls in their very early twenties at work who are so overly needing sexual admiration from men. However, it has also gotten me really noticing that Dh doesn't tend to mention any of those emotional things very much at all! I realize that is societal and very cultural in our country, but part of me believes it is also because I am aging. I know my bOOks no longer look like they used to. I have a mommy belly a bit. My bottom and thighs are jigglier. My hair is getting greyer and my face more lined. This does not make me unsexy, but it definitely has shifted my ideas about what is sexy.

 

Men in our culture are allowed to age, be lumpier, be grey, and be loved with all those things. Women are often raised with the idea it is the inside that counts. We are taught how to engage emotionally. I do not think my husband loves me any less, but I honestly do not know if he has ever seen many cultural examples of how to express much other than the physical. When I do not respond in a very positive way anymore, he is at a bit of a loss. This leaves me needy, him frustrated, and us both clueless!

 

That is not necessarily helpful to your situation, but it might be

[gaillardia]

How I went from one to the other...

 

Sometimes I think I don't connect with most of the people here anymore. :leaving:  

Edited July 1, 2016 by Gaillardia

[gardenmom5]

have you ever had a full thyroid panel run? hypothyroid can cause some of the issues you mention.  re: clingy, emotional, etc.

 

so can adrenal fatlgue.

 

 

[Liz CA]

You mentioned some childhood issues. Have you had a chance to process some of those things?

[nd293]

I was much more needy in my 20s and early 30s. I put a lot more into the relationship than I got out, emotionally speaking. I came to realise I was expecting someone else to make me happy and that was never, ever going to work. Happy and fulfilled is up to me. I just stopped expecting him to do that for me, to provide what I was lacking. Overall I'm so much happier in my relationship now because I don't feel like I'm the vulnerable party in it. I'm ok. I'd be ok on my own. It's very freeing when you realise that. I'm much more assertive about what I do need to be happy, but I let a lot of things go because I realise they're not really central to my needs (example - it would bother me if dh opted for drinks after work when I expected him home on a Friday. I changed my thinking: what I need to be happy on a Friday is to get everyone sorted early and to relax with a movie. If dh doesn't let me know he'll be home I don't plan supper for him. I no longer take it as a slight, it's just a fact and I work with that fact to make sure I get what I need.)

[kroe1]

Why does there have to be a normal? It is individual based on the couple. Defining a normal, and, therefore, a dysfunctional, just keeps psychiatrists and those who write books in business.

 

The only real problem is when the individual couple has such vastly different needs. At that point, it should be left to the couple to decide how to compromise the issue.

 

Over the years I have met some very functional and prospering couples who would light up a DSM IV manual. So be it. I hope they never find out they are "dysfunctional".

[Carrie12345]

Why does there have to be a normal? It is individual based on the couple. Defining a normal, and, therefore, a dysfunctional, just keeps psychiatrists and those who write books in business.

 

The only real problem is when the individual couple has such vastly different needs. At that point, it should be left to the couple to decide how to compromise the issue.

 

Over the years I have met some very functional and prospering couples who would light up a DSM IV manual. So be it. I hope they never find out they are "dysfunctional".

 

Therapy is not about making someone "normal".  It's about helping people function well within their individual conditions.  If someone is feeling overwhelmed and anxious, getting help to cope and feel more comfortable in their life is a GOOD thing.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

The book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus is a good book IMHO for both spouses to read and may help open up the lines of communication. As for yourself, are your doing anything specifically for you that you enjoy? Or are you consumed with taking care of the family and neglecting yourself as many of us tend to do? IMHO finding ways to care for yourself and your needs will also go a long way to feeling fulfilled.  Currently I am really focused on getting better health with exercise and healthy eating since my health was really not great and I am way too old to keep putting off taking care of myself. It has been helpful.

[fairfarmhand]

Beth Moore's book So Long Insecurity was helpful.

 

Also, Lysa Teurkerst's book, Unglued was good. It's not just about anger. IT's about taking charge of your feelings.

 

Do you journal? I say that because it is helpful to write down what you're feeling and process them on paper.

 

This helps you analyze your feelings. Feelings are big but they are just feelings.Take them out, examine them. Ask yourself why you feel this way. Ask if there's any substance to that feeling and it helps process them. When that feeling pops up and you've already analyzed it, you can say, Ugh...this again. It's just a feeling. I had it last week. This is how I handle that feeling.

 

 

Also, learn your dh's love language. He may be saying "I Love you" in ways that aren't speaking to your heart. But when you feel doubtful, you can say, Yes, he didn't speak my love language this week. But he did try to say I love you in the way that is most natural for him. Of course, it is good for couples to speak to one another in the language they know best, but when life gets busy, it's SO easy for everyone to fall back on the love language that THEY understand most and forget that your spouse is different. As a couple you do have to give the other party points for trying though.

[gardenmom5]

This has been my experience.  I was like the OP for years until I got treated.  More recently, my dosage was off and I was a mess again.  Changed dosage and I was back to normal in a day.  You will probably get offered an anxiety pill of some kind if your thyroid labs come out normal.  Mine went out of range finally but i suffered for years til that point. You can find a thyroid doc that will treat you even if you are not in the range (treat according to symptoms) but they usually do not take insurance.  Stop the Thyroid Madness book and website are very helpful.

 

I was untreated for years.  no one checked.  I look back - and I was probably hypo in my teens.  I didn't start thyroid rx until I was in my 40s.

 

most western medicine treats thyroid by tsh.  usually they'll give a synthetic t4 if your tsh is >4.  then tell you your tsh is "normal" if it's >4,  but the patient frequently still feels hypo.  (becasue they are.)

 

OPTIMAL thyroid - the tsh is <1.5

 

we've had some very educational discussions about thryoid on this forum.  it's certainly made a difference for me - I no longer take synthetic t4, but natural desiccated thyroid.   big difference.

 

pay attention to the tests the dr should run, and if your dr refuses to run them,  find a new dr.  my dr actually TOLD me she would run a free t3 and free t4 and only as I was looking at the results did I realize they were totals - which are worthless numbers.  iow: my own dr lied to me.

 

​http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/586811-got-my-lab-results-tsh-and-others/?hl=%2Boptimal+%2Bthyroid&do=findComment&comment=6829491

 

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/585947-another-thyroid-thread/?hl=%2Boptimal+%2Bthyroid&do=findComment&comment=6811564

 

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/579166-armour-vs-synthroid/?hl=%2Boptimal+%2Bthyroid&do=findComment&comment=6725286

 

http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com/long-and-pathetic/

 

[Janie Grace]

You mentioned some childhood issues. Have you had a chance to process some of those things?

 

Yes, I have been seeing a counselor for about nine months. I feel like there is more work to do, but it's happening.

[Katy]

Hmmm...  I was very clingy and needy in my 20's.  I did have thyroid issues. My ex had very different love languages than me.  Honestly I feel that was part of it, my age was part of it.  I think many young women get very clingy with their first intense adult relationship.  Also that relationship was volatile (he had a personality disorder and depression), he blamed me for many things that were not my fault, and I didn't know any better than not to believe him.  So there were legitimate reasons for me to feel insecure in that relationship.  I needed to learn boundaries and to correct my thoughts. 

 

The book Boundaries helped.  A book called Stop Walking on Eggshells that's about borderline personality disorder (but would help anyone with this relationship dynamic) helped. Stormy O'Martian's book about praying the bible for your husband helped. Not so much because the prayers changed anything in him so much as saying those prayers helped me to both love him unconditionally AND to understand that it was okay to demand to be treated better, to not accept abuse, and to refuse to join him in his spiral of despair. And it made it okay when he decided to leave me because he wanted someone who didn't demand he be responsible for his actions.  

 

If you have a similar situation and Christian books don't appeal to you, cognitive behavioral therapy can help you change your thoughts in similar, though secular, ways.   Both help you separate what you can control (yourself, your thoughts, your actions, what your needs are in a relationship) from what you cannot control (DH).

 

I calmed down.  I got in a relationship with someone in the military who was frequently deployed, which forced me to get some additional emotional independence.  It turned out that relationship only worked when we were apart because HE was clingy and controlling when not deployed. Not fun.

 

Finally I met DH.  He shares my love languages.  He'll stay up late and talk something out if one of us feels unsettled about something.  His ex was clingy and full of drama and emotional abuse too, and what he most wanted was calm, drama free stability.  We don't have that fiery, screaming love-or-hate passionate crazy volatility I had with the relationship when I was younger. We have quiet, supportive, loving peace. It's nice.  It's boring. It only rises to conflict when one of us isn't listening (about the toilets, for example), or when we haven't taken the time to think through what is stressing us out and we start snapping at the other.

 

So, part of it is personal and about boundaries and working through your childhood conflict.

Part of it is probably physical.

Part of it is emotional maturity.

Part of it is just dumb luck in getting someone who shares your personality and love languages and wants to work through the same sorts of things.

And it's possible part of it is generational.  It seems to me like older generations expected men to be more stoic and not talk through those sorts of things.

[TranquilMind]

Why does there have to be a normal? It is individual based on the couple. Defining a normal, and, therefore, a dysfunctional, just keeps psychiatrists and those who write books in business.

 

The only real problem is when the individual couple has such vastly different needs. At that point, it should be left to the couple to decide how to compromise the issue.

 

Over the years I have met some very functional and prospering couples who would light up a DSM IV manual. So be it. I hope they never find out they are "dysfunctional".

 

This is good.

 

How about just saying, "This is what I want.  Can you do this?" 

 

I've been married forever and one thing I know is that men are not mind readers.  He may be perfectly content, not realizing that you are all wound up inside.  Tell him and tell him what you would like him to do.  See what he says. 

 

If you are different, then negotiate.  You say what you need and ask what he is willing to do, and ask what he needs and tell him what you are willing to do. It can work out if you deal directly.  It's fine to tell him why.  I have some sore spots that prompt over-the-top reactions, mostly due to abandonment and loss in childhood.  I probably do not respond like others would, but he (and the family) know why so they respond in a way that makes sense.  ( Mostly.  Except one, but that isn't my husband, so that's a different issue. )

[Janie Grace]

How I went from one to the other...

 

Sometimes I think I don't connect with most of the people here anymore. :leaving:  

 

I am so sad that you deleted. I came back to reread your comment because it was helpful! Can you PM me to remind me what you said?

[Janie Grace]

have you ever had a full thyroid panel run? hypothyroid can cause some of the issues you mention.  re: clingy, emotional, etc.

 

so can adrenal fatlgue.

 

Just TSH and it was always been normal. What does a full panel include? I wonder if it's worth pursuing...

[gardenmom5]

Just TSH and it was always been normal. What does a full panel include? I wonder if it's worth pursuing...

 

I included several links to previous wtm threads on  hypothyroid in post #12.  either soror or elle post very good information on exactly which tests - which are more than I've included below.

 

forgot tsh - it's really a worthless number.

 

You want

free t3

free t4

reverse t3

iron

cortisol (adrenal fatigue is another very common problem)

b12

d3 (MINIMUM!!! of 50)

 

 

eta: if your dr won't - find a new dr.  I'm serious.

 

Edited July 1, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Janie Grace]

This has been really helpful. Thanks for the book recommendations (I do like Christian books! Just not "quick fixes" that make you feel guilty for not being happy in Jesus 24/7) and for the advice. Some of my takeaways...

 

~ "normal" varies based on the couple. 

~ I might need something different from someone else (esp. with a different background) and that's okay. It's honest negotiation and mutual comfort with the dynamic that matters.

~ be responsible for my own happiness (this is SO HARD and new for me; I would love to hear more from those who have walked this road)

 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

One more--you should have other friends.

No one person is going to satisfy all of someone's need for connection, and channeling that into your relationship with the kids can be unhealthy if it's taken too far. 

You need to find other adult friends, gradually and in a non-needy way.

 

I think that one of the best ways to do this is to join a local group with a common interest. At various times I've been in Bible studies, book clubs, a weaving guild, and several choirs.  Those are great places to develop a variety of light friendships, and to add some close friends over a period of time.  I would love to join a group of very slow hikers, but I can't find one, LOL.  I would totally have a lot in common with them!

[SparklyUnicorn]

One more--you should have other friends.

No one person is going to satisfy all of someone's need for connection, and channeling that into your relationship with the kids can be unhealthy if it's taken too far. 

You need to find other adult friends, gradually and in a non-needy way.

 

I think that one of the best ways to do this is to join a local group with a common interest. At various times I've been in Bible studies, book clubs, a weaving guild, and several choirs.  Those are great places to develop a variety of light friendships, and to add some close friends over a period of time.  I would love to join a group of very slow hikers, but I can't find one, LOL.  I would totally have a lot in common with them!

 

Thank goodness my need for friends is LOW. 

 

I get this advice, but it kinda annoys me (no you don't annoy me) because finding friends is freaking hard.  Sure I can find people who share interests any day of the week.  Every day I can probably find someone who wants to meet up to do something.  But to find someone who isn't just someone to hang out with and wants to talk about more than the weather or some purse they bought...difficult.  And that is the sort of friend I'd prefer.

[SparklyUnicorn]

OP, I really do not know the answer to this for you.  Have you told your husband what you need from him? 

 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

Thank goodness my need for friends is LOW. 

 

I get this advice, but it kinda annoys me (no you don't annoy me) because finding friends is freaking hard.  Sure I can find people who share interests any day of the week.  Every day I can probably find someone who wants to meet up to do something.  But to find someone who isn't just someone to hang out with and wants to talk about more than the weather or some purse they bought...difficult.  And that is the sort of friend I'd prefer.

I agree, it IS hard.

And it's not a sure thing.

There are these liminal times when people form friendships fairly easily--at school, in college, when they have their first baby, when their kids start school.  And then there is the rest of life, during which it seems like everyone has the friends they are going to have ALREADY.  There are little opportunities to connect, like class reunions, or church functions that are a bit out of the ordinary, but they don't necessarily go any further.

 

But, I think joining a group that has a common, substantive interest is a good way to try and do that.

[Janie Grace]

OP, I really do not know the answer to this for you.  Have you told your husband what you need from him? 

 

Over the years, we have had many talks (and fights) about this topic. I think for the longest time I felt it was my job to teach him how to be a better husband (and that = more connection, more affection, more romance, etc). I wouldn't have phrased it or thought of it as "what I need from him" (because I guess that sounds selfish or demanding to me...) but I have definitely expressed when I'm discontent with how things are. But more recently, I've begun to realize that just because I HAVE a desire, it doesn't mean it's a healthy one. And that if you are a bottomless pit in terms of what you want/need, it is alienating and exhausting for the other person. I guess what's hard is not knowing if my desires are healthy or not. Like how much yearning for connection with one's dh is good/natural and how much is overblown and codependent? That's what is hard for me to figure out. 

 

I feel like my moods are very much tied to how things are with us. I feel much more stable/happy when he is away. Not because he is mean to me or unpleasant to be around (quite the contrary, I love being around him) but because I am not constantly trying to perceive if he's "good" with me, if he's feeling loving toward me, if he's being nice/friendly/open... I'm just living life and my moods are way more steady. Realizing this is kind of what made me realize I probably have a problem. I just think I'm too reliant on his vibes toward me for my stability and happiness. But I don't know how to stop.

 

He's not a super moody guy, by the way. I really think this stems from growing up with a very volatile parent. I was hyper aware of my mom's moods and adjusted accordingly because it was necessary for my emotional survival. I just can't break the habit.

[Janie Grace]

One more--you should have other friends.

No one person is going to satisfy all of someone's need for connection, and channeling that into your relationship with the kids can be unhealthy if it's taken too far. 

You need to find other adult friends, gradually and in a non-needy way.

 

I think that one of the best ways to do this is to join a local group with a common interest. At various times I've been in Bible studies, book clubs, a weaving guild, and several choirs.  Those are great places to develop a variety of light friendships, and to add some close friends over a period of time.  I would love to join a group of very slow hikers, but I can't find one, LOL.  I would totally have a lot in common with them!

 

I do have other friends, thankfully. Lots of friendly acquaintances and several I could text if I'm having a low day, am worried or frustrated, etc. For me, I think this is particular to my marriage relationship. But you are right, having other connections helps. I'd join your slow hikers club! :) 

[eternalsummer]

Thank goodness my need for friends is LOW. 

 

I get this advice, but it kinda annoys me (no you don't annoy me) because finding friends is freaking hard.  Sure I can find people who share interests any day of the week.  Every day I can probably find someone who wants to meet up to do something.  But to find someone who isn't just someone to hang out with and wants to talk about more than the weather or some purse they bought...difficult.  And that is the sort of friend I'd prefer.

 

I agree, I think telling anyone that there is one definite thing she needs to be happy is just BS.

 

I don't have friends.  I have DH.  He is enough for me.  We are quite mutually emotionally dependent, and that doesn't bother either of us, so it works.

[myfunnybunch]

I agree, it IS hard.

And it's not a sure thing.

There are these liminal times when people form friendships fairly easily--at school, in college, when they have their first baby, when their kids start school. And then there is the rest of life, during which it seems like everyone has the friends they are going to have ALREADY. There are little opportunities to connect, like class reunions, or church functions that are a bit out of the ordinary, but they don't necessarily go any further.

 

But, I think joining a group that has a common, substantive interest is a good way to try and do that.

[myfunnybunch]

I agree, it IS hard.

And it's not a sure thing.

There are these liminal times when people form friendships fairly easily--at school, in college, when they have their first baby, when their kids start school. And then there is the rest of life, during which it seems like everyone has the friends they are going to have ALREADY. There are little opportunities to connect, like class reunions, or church functions that are a bit out of the ordinary, but they don't necessarily go any further.

 

But, I think joining a group that has a common, substantive interest is a good way to try and do that.

I agree.

 

To make the 3-4 close friends I've made over the past 5-10 years, I'd say I've hung out, groups and activities and some progressing to coffees and such, with a hundred. It takes time to find those kindred souls and build a lasting friendship.

Edited July 2, 2016 by myfunnybunch

[Carol in Cal.]

I agree, I think telling anyone that there is one definite thing she needs to be happy is just BS.

I didn't mean it the way you say here.

I meant one more thing to add to her list of take aways, which she had already posted. 

One among several, not one alone.

[mamiof5]

Someone mentioned the love languages, maybe it's something worth looking into. I don't know much about it, but I do know dh's and my love languages couldn't be more different. That has helped me a lot

[SparklyUnicorn]

I agree, I think telling anyone that there is one definite thing she needs to be happy is just BS.

 

I don't have friends.  I have DH.  He is enough for me.  We are quite mutually emotionally dependent, and that doesn't bother either of us, so it works.

 

Well the hardest thing is that relationships take time and you cannot force them.  Most people won't go out and quickly make a bunch of intimate friends who will fulfill their need for emotional intimacy.  To me the better tactic is to learn to like yourself and not mind your own company because at the end of the day that is ultimately who one is guaranteed to "have".

 

I suspect definitions of friendships vary though.  When I think friend, I think someone I am very close to.  Not just someone I hang out with.  I don't use the term lightly.  But then I encounter people who call anyone they talk to more than once a friend.

[Ausmumof3]

It's hard to tell from the outside whether you are needy or he is emotionally distant. I do think this is a fairly normal part of the other side of 30. When you are in your twenties your relationships are wrapped up into each other and at some point as someone said you realise you alone are actually ok. You become somewhat more of a separate identity again. If you are like me you may have to be careful not to go too far the other way and leave your other half feeling unloved.

 

I think having good strong friendships or family relationships outside of yourselves can help. Having some passions or hobbies can help. I don't think dependency is all bad it's mismatch in desire for connection that can cause problems.

[aaplank]

NM.

Edited July 2, 2016 by aaplank

[PeacefulChaos]

I started typing up a big long reply but it's not helpful at all lol, because I honestly have no idea what your situation looks like.  

 

If anything, I would maybe be considered the opposite.  But it works for us.  

 

DH is high on my priority list but we are two different people and act as such.  There are many things that we are hugely different on, and that's fine.  I'm an extrovert so yeah, the 'friend' thing to me is big, but I know everyone is different.  

I'm someone who likes having stuff to do a lot without everyone else in the family, and many things I'd rather not do with DH but with friends, instead.  

A perfect week to me involves being out of the house a fair bit, without the rest of the family at least once a day.  

I guess it could be said that DH and I live sort of different lives in some aspects, but I think that's healthy - I would never want my identity to be tied up with anyone else, and I wouldn't want my world to revolve around any person, be it a spouse or a kid.

 

Who DH is has nothing to do with who I am.  He's pretty much the opposite of me, and that's probably why we work so well.  We've been married for 15 years and everything just gets easier with time.  

[KungFuPanda]

I think you want to be a whole person all by yourself. Relying on someone else to complete you might not be sustainable if the other person feels like you are constantly draining them emotionally. I've been married for a few decades, so I get being drawn to your husband. However, I think you owe it to him to be a person he is also drawn to. I mean, you weren't emotionally dependent on him the second you met. You were a person with her own fire who was interesting enough to pursue.

 

A constant need analyze the relationship or to be constantly reassured can be read as fundamental mistrust by your husband. I could see that getting old and him feeling that no matter what he says or does you'll need the same gut-wrenching, 2 a.m. "relationship" conversation the next day. While having those talks often can create intimacy in the beginning, most people don't want to keep up that level of spoon-feeding a relationship forever. It would get tedious if the topics didn't change and exhausting of there was a new problem every day. You'd never get to enjoy the relationship and just feel happy and secure with one another.

 

If the relationship is solid, and you have no reason to doubt him. I'd find a way to work on my personal issues that don't force my DH to constantly play a therapist's role.

[SparklyUnicorn]

It's hard to tell from the outside whether you are needy or he is emotionally distant. I do think this is a fairly normal part of the other side of 30. When you are in your twenties your relationships are wrapped up into each other and at some point as someone said you realise you alone are actually ok. You become somewhat more of a separate identity again. If you are like me you may have to be careful not to go too far the other way and leave your other half feeling unloved.

 

I think having good strong friendships or family relationships outside of yourselves can help. Having some passions or hobbies can help. I don't think dependency is all bad it's mismatch in desire for connection that can cause problems.

 

This was my thought.  Is it you are too needy or is it he is too distant or is it both?

[Minerva]

Over the years, we have had many talks (and fights) about this topic. I think for the longest time I felt it was my job to teach him how to be a better husband (and that = more connection, more affection, more romance, etc). I wouldn't have phrased it or thought of it as "what I need from him" (because I guess that sounds selfish or demanding to me...) but I have definitely expressed when I'm discontent with how things are. But more recently, I've begun to realize that just because I HAVE a desire, it doesn't mean it's a healthy one. And that if you are a bottomless pit in terms of what you want/need, it is alienating and exhausting for the other person. I guess what's hard is not knowing if my desires are healthy or not. Like how much yearning for connection with one's dh is good/natural and how much is overblown and codependent? That's what is hard for me to figure out. 

 

I feel like my moods are very much tied to how things are with us. I feel much more stable/happy when he is away. Not because he is mean to me or unpleasant to be around (quite the contrary, I love being around him) but because I am not constantly trying to perceive if he's "good" with me, if he's feeling loving toward me, if he's being nice/friendly/open... I'm just living life and my moods are way more steady. Realizing this is kind of what made me realize I probably have a problem. I just think I'm too reliant on his vibes toward me for my stability and happiness. But I don't know how to stop.

 

He's not a super moody guy, by the way. I really think this stems from growing up with a very volatile parent. I was hyper aware of my mom's moods and adjusted accordingly because it was necessary for my emotional survival. I just can't break the habit.

 

:grouphug: You did such a good job articulating this.

 

While you are working on this issue within yourself, would it help if your DH just gave you a few extra hugs and some reassurance that you guys are good? Is it possible that some of your insecurity comes from his genuinely not filling your emotional coffers? (I think this might be what people mean by love languages.) I am not trying to pawn off your issue on your DH, but maybe it isn't just you? Perhaps it is as much a marital issue as a personal one and something your DH should be working on with you. 

[fairfarmhand]

BTW, one thing that helped me be content with my dh was stopping reading any novels or books where the largest thrust of the book was romance and relationships, even if they were "Christian". For some reason, reading about fictitious relationships really fed my discontent with him. Why couldn't be like that guy in the book? Why was our marriage not like theirs? etc.

[MercyA]

I feel like my moods are very much tied to how things are with us. I feel much more stable/happy when he is away. Not because he is mean to me or unpleasant to be around (quite the contrary, I love being around him) but because I am not constantly trying to perceive if he's "good" with me, if he's feeling loving toward me, if he's being nice/friendly/open... I'm just living life and my moods are way more steady. Realizing this is kind of what made me realize I probably have a problem. I just think I'm too reliant on his vibes toward me for my stability and happiness. But I don't know how to stop.

 

Please don't be offended, but do you think it's possible you might have an anxiety disorder?

[ktgrok]

Please don't be offended, but do you think it's possible you might have an anxiety disorder?

 

Agreed, this sounds like anxiety, not an issue of emotional needs. 

[myfunnybunch]

OP, just realized I forgot to put this in my first post: You might want to look at the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment...

 

I don't know that I'd buy it. Maybe try to get it from the library. It's a quick read. It addresses this kind of push-pull that can happen for couples, the play between one partner being anxious and needing reassurance about the relationship, and the other partner needing or creating distance.

Edited July 3, 2016 by myfunnybunch

[lamppost]

OP, just realized I forgot to put this in my first post: You might want to look at the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment...

 

I don't know that I'd buy it. Maybe try to get it from the library. It's a quick read. It addresses this kind of push-pull that can happen for couples, the play between one partner wanting to being anxious and needing reassurance about the relationship, and the other partner needing or creating distance.

 

I haven't read this particular book, but I agree that what OP describes sounds like classic Anxious/Preoccupied attachment. 

 

OP, it's great you're in therapy, but I'm surprised that in 9 months your therapist hasn't brought this up. Maybe try reading some of the info on the websites below or just doing some Google searches on how to move from anxious to secure attachment. Then you could bring it up with your therapist, and if they don't know what you're talking about, maybe shop around for a new one.

 

http://www.whatiscodependency.com/change-your-attachment-style/

https://jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/type-anxious-preoccupied/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-freedom-change/201503/overcoming-relationship-anxiety-and-feeling-good-about-it

 

(Important to note you wouldn't necessarily fit the profile 100%, but read the descriptions of the different attachment styles and you'll probably find Anxious/Preoccupied is closest to true for you.)

 

 

Also, this book isn't specifically about attachment, but it has a great chapter that touches on attachment and trauma, and has a description of 3 types of interventions that help. https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090

1. "Top-down" therapy, like cognitive-behavioral (recognizing beliefs or behavioral patterns and challenging them)

2. "Bottom-up" therapy, like somatic experiencing (completing the emotional cycle rather than remaining stuck in fight/flight/freeze mode)

3. "Sideways" approach- mindfulness (different ways to do this, but one is to focus on your breath, notice without judgment any thoughts and emotions that pass, and choose what to give your attention to.)

[Janie Grace]

I haven't read this particular book, but I agree that what OP describes sounds like classic Anxious/Preoccupied attachment. 

 

OP, it's great you're in therapy, but I'm surprised that in 9 months your therapist hasn't brought this up. Maybe try reading some of the info on the websites below or just doing some Google searches on how to move from anxious to secure attachment. Then you could bring it up with your therapist, and if they don't know what you're talking about, maybe shop around for a new one.

 

http://www.whatiscodependency.com/change-your-attachment-style/

https://jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/type-anxious-preoccupied/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-freedom-change/201503/overcoming-relationship-anxiety-and-feeling-good-about-it

 

(Important to note you wouldn't necessarily fit the profile 100%, but read the descriptions of the different attachment styles and you'll probably find Anxious/Preoccupied is closest to true for you.)

 

 

Also, this book isn't specifically about attachment, but it has a great chapter that touches on attachment and trauma, and has a description of 3 types of interventions that help. https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090

1. "Top-down" therapy, like cognitive-behavioral (recognizing beliefs or behavioral patterns and challenging them)

2. "Bottom-up" therapy, like somatic experiencing (completing the emotional cycle rather than remaining stuck in fight/flight/freeze mode)

3. "Sideways" approach- mindfulness (different ways to do this, but one is to focus on your breath, notice without judgment any thoughts and emotions that pass, and choose what to give your attention to.)

 

Wow, this is an incredibly insightful and accurate post. I PMed you. 

 

Let me just say that book you linked was NOT what I expected it to be. Deleted that from my browsing history right quick! ;) I mean, I'm sure it's good but HELLO...

[Janie Grace]

Please don't be offended, but do you think it's possible you might have an anxiety disorder?

 

Not remotely offended. I will read and think about it for sure.