My in law issue....

[Ann.without.an.e]

I wrote a very long post around Thanksgiving about my in-law situation.  I haven't seen them or talked to them.  MIL sent a birthday and christmas card with a check.  Sappy card, signed Love mom and dad and that's it.  Nothing more for her to say.  I'm just still so torn over this whole situation.  If everything had stayed the way we planned this wouldn't bother me at all.  DH was supposed to visit them alone and we were supposed to take the break that MIL said she needed until she was ready to revisit the relationship.  Instead DH went on his first visit, invited them to Christmas Eve at our house (we had already talked about this and they weren't coming) and then he had to bow out because of me.  So rather than the ball being in her court, where I wanted it, I feel like the ball is in my court and that I am supposed to come to her or write her a letter or say something. I feel like because he had to then write a letter saying we needed space it now falls on me to resume the relationship.  This is so NOT what I wanted.  DH really screwed things up with his crazy, impromptu invite.  I just don't know what to do.  I feel responsible now since it has fallen on me.  Yes, she's the one who ignored our attempts to make Thanksgiving plans, when she finally did return DH's calls, she called me instead to vent her disappointments over how they imagined moving here and being closer to us.  She ended the call with the words "I am done with this relationship".  I called her back and she handed the phone to FIL, who is the crux of the problem and she knows it so it was like a slap in face.  DH and I can't have a tight knit relationship with them.  It just isn't an option.  They don't respect us, they don't respect our kids, they have no idea how to get along with people.  They have zero friends.  I am not exaggerating.  Absolutely zero.  DH wasn't allowed friends growing up either.  They sit alone and bad mouth everyone.  It is sad.  My girls want nothing to do with them.  DH has been visiting monthly.  This last time it was near MIL's birthday so DH offered for kids to go and youngest DS is clueless so he went.  Older DS went because he is just so easy going and anything they say or do rolls off his back.  He knows they are ridiculous.  The girls refused to go.  

 

What is my responsibility?  Now that the ball IS in my court (of sorts).  I feel so much guilt over this.  

Edited June 30, 2016 by Attolia

[regentrude]

The ball is not in your court. These are your DH's parents, he gets to deal with them, after consulting you if he intends to make any arrangements that woudl involve you.

You have no responsibility.

Edited June 30, 2016 by regentrude

[eternalsummer]

I may be misreading the situation but I don't see why this has anything at all to do with you, or why you have any obligation to do anything.

 

You don't have a relationship with your in-laws.  You have no personal obligation to them, and you don't like them, and they don't like you.  

 

Whatever your DH wants to do is his business (unless he signs you up for something, at which point you'll have to make clear to him what you are willing and are not willing to do).

 

Other than that, live your life.  Let them live theirs.  Their feelings are not your responsibility.

[TravelingChris]

I don't think you have any responsibility.

[Ann.without.an.e]

Then why do I *feel* so responsible?  Maybe because I just sat there and didn't respond to their crazy talk.  I just let it drive a wedge between us rather than confronting it head on.  Have I now taught my kids to do this?  They are truly impossible though-I learned early on that you can't get a word in edgewise and expressing opinions or feeling contrary to theirs is completely pointless-they will just argue with no logic until you give up.

[regentrude]

Then why do I *feel* so responsible?  

 

Maybe because you always have felt in charge of managing the social interactions of the family? Many women take on this role.

[trulycrabby]

I really don't see how you have done anything wrong. Reasonable people would not be offended that the impromptu invite at Christmas was cancelled. Honestly, I would take her at her word when she stated "I am done with this relationship" and go on with your life.

[Plink]

DH created a mess.  He can now deal with it.  Your guilt exists because you would like to make things perfect, however you have no responsibility in this situation.  Let the crazy exist and just watch it from the outside.  

 

You don't need to fix this.  

[Janeway]

Your husband is not taking responsibility. He really is screwing up as you say. And the only people who are truly being put in the middle are the children. He should not be giving them a choice to visit them. Those poor children! They are being stuck being the bad guys. Tell your dh to grow up. You all decided to end the relationship. Your MIL made this decision. That needs to be the end of things. No more games. Your dh is the only reason they are interested in anything so he is the focus of all this and the children are just pawns. Do not engage in their circus. 

[Tess in the Burbs]

we have weird relationships with dh's parents.  We finally had to talk about this and get in agreement about contact.  When we went back east it was me who was setting up the day/times wth them, not dh.  I knew we should visit, even if just a short one.  And it was the most awkward, painful visit of my life.  I don't know how any of us made it out alive.  DS even said something out loud during the weird visit that all could hear. Truth out of my kids mouth...why are we here?  DH failed completely at making the visit work.  However, I feel like I tried.  I was available to visit.  We sat and stared at them for 2 days.  I realize now that some of the problems are DH is just like them in some ways.  So he really can't step up and do what needs to be done in a way that would make me happy.  So I made the visit happen so I feel no guilt.  It was up to them and DH to make it go smoothly.  It didn't.  It was just soul sucking for all.  Luckily we have no plans to visit anytime for years.  They won't come here due to costs.  

 

My point is, you have to do what will make you feel less guilt.  It's very possible your DH can't help even though he should.  My own DH is clueless on how to handle the situation and makes it worse.  I *had* to get involved to make it go better and put me in a better light.  

 

I guess the question is...do you want any relationship?  If your MIL does not, don't.  If your DH wants to have one with her, let him.  You don't have to be part of it.  Don't force the kids into something they don't want either.  Your DH has ties to them in a way you all don't.  Just be clear with your DH that his connection to them involves it happening away from you/your kids/your home.  Surely he can manage that.  

 

If it makes you feel better, my DH almost made our awkward visit even worse....Dh's dad's mom had died while we were on vacation near them.  They had come from the funeral the first day we visited them.  I have been doing research into family history b/c I know my FIL was adopted.  I found out he was born 3 years after his mom divorced and 5 years before she remarried.  So the story of who his dad really is....isn't the truth.  And now she has passed on.  My darling DH thought it was a good time to ask about this the day after the funeral...  Seriously, he's got a string of relationship left with his parents only b/c I make it happen.  His shins were black from my kicking him to SHUT UP, geez.  

 

Do what makes you happy.  Allow your DH to visit them away from you and your family.  Have no guilt.  You can't make everyone behave properly.  You can only control you.  So put yourself in a good situation.  Let your DH fend for himself.  You owe your MIL nothing. 

[Tammyla]

I'm not sure why you feel so guilty or that it is your responsibility to fix the relationship.  Some people are good at making others feels guilty.  Your mil said she needed a break.  To me that sounds like she's setting down a boundary of sorts.  (Imo, it feels like the ball is in her court and she chooses contact with your dh & kids and a card for you.)  

 

You might try reading the book BOUNDARIES, by Cloud and Townsend.  It's available at most libraries.

 

In-laws can be hard :grouphug: .

[Carol in Cal.]

I've read the OP three times, and I just can't quite follow it.

My take away impression is that it was the OPer who put off the last contact, cancelling Christmas plans?  Is that right?

If so, then the Christmas card from the ILs could be interpreted as either a warm overlooking of that, or as a slap because it wasn't presents?  Which?  Neither?

I'm very confused.

 

However, in general, it sounds like these people are very hard to relate to and also like DH is doing most of the contacting (which is good.)  I think that if you, OP, feel like the ball is in your court to make a move, but you don't want to, you could maybe assuage that feeling by making a *small* move.  Send a card with some summer family photos, light, breezy, warm, non-invitational.  Something like that, a safe little move that makes you feel good and that is a nice gesture but that doesn't set up any further expectations.

[marbel]

I don't see what responsibility you have.  You and your husband are a unit, but he is the half that is related to them, so it's his deal. 

 

It doesn't sound as if the two of you communicate very well about his parents.  You need to get on the same page. 

 

[eternalsummer]

Then why do I *feel* so responsible?  Maybe because I just sat there and didn't respond to their crazy talk.  I just let it drive a wedge between us rather than confronting it head on.  Have I now taught my kids to do this?  They are truly impossible though-I learned early on that you can't get a word in edgewise and expressing opinions or feeling contrary to theirs is completely pointless-they will just argue with no logic until you give up.

 

 

This still has nothing to do with you and the in-laws.  When you say a wedge between us, do you mean between you and your DH?  In that case, that relationship is your responsibility and you must confront whatever weird feelings you have about the wedge, etc.

 

But there is no relationship with the in-laws and you.  You don't like them.  They are not good to you.  They are not good to your children.  They don't like you.  There is no relationship to manage; you don't manage DH's relationship with them, and you have no relationship with them.

[lllll]

nm

Edited July 10, 2016 by ~ d9n

[Ann.without.an.e]

I've read the OP three times, and I just can't quite follow it.

My take away impression is that it was the OPer who put off the last contact, cancelling Christmas plans?  Is that right?

If so, then the Christmas card from the ILs could be interpreted as either a warm overlooking of that, or as a slap because it wasn't presents?  Which?  Neither?

I'm very confused.

 

However, in general, it sounds like these people are very hard to relate to and also like DH is doing most of the contacting (which is good.)  I think that if you, OP, feel like the ball is in your court to make a move, but you don't want to, you could maybe assuage that feeling by making a *small* move.  Send a card with some summer family photos, light, breezy, warm, non-invitational.  Something like that, a safe little move that makes you feel good and that is a nice gesture but that doesn't set up any further expectations.

 

 

Confusion is a great way to put it - it is exactly what I feel.  MIL said she didn't want a relationship with us anymore because the amount of time we spend with them has not met their expectations.  She has vented things to me before but won't vent them to DH - she wouldn't tell DH that she doesn't want a relationship.  He called her numerous times and she admitted that she ignored his calls.  She called me back to tell me how she felt.  We have had good times with them - it hasn't been ALL bad ALL them time.  But they are extremely self centered and we are the only people they have in the whole wide world because they shut all other people out.  Other people aren't good enough for them.  Honestly, we aren't good enough for them but we are family so they mostly put up with our imperfections.  After saying she didn't want a relationship, she has not made any further contact with me except for her name scribbled at the bottom of a prewritten card.  DH went to see them soon after the conversation and he invited them to our house for Christmas Eve (he clearly wasn't thinking because we'd already discussed it) and MIL's response was "Are you sure that would be ok?" and he said "sure".  I was unhappy and DH felt like he needed to back out of christmas eve on my account.  He sent a letter and said that because of the hurtful words and actions, Christmas eve wouldn't be a good idea this year.  She sent a christmas card and birthday card.  Honestly, I am a very forgiving person.  This has happened many times in the past and I have just moved on like nothing ever happened.  We all move on and they never have to apologize or admit wrong.  They have called me every name in the book to my face or on the phone, they make up lies about me, but I just move on.  This time I decided that I'm done with just moving on.  If she had sent a christmas card with a letter and said "I'm sorry" I would be willing to move on.  They NEVER have to apologize.  They honestly think they do no wrong.  If she called today and said I'm sorry - all would be ok.  She is too proud.  The best I will get is a card with just love mom and dad scribbled on the bottom.

Edited July 1, 2016 by Attolia