WWYD? Friends

[SquirrellyMama]

My son is making some new friends this summer, which I think is awesome. I do have a couple of wwyd questions.

 

I like to invite the families of my kids' friends over for lunch or dinner before they can have extended periods of time at their houses. I'm also fine if their friends' families want to do the same. I'm always up for a free meal ;)

 

Actually, I just like to know who people are. I want to be able to put a face with a name. I can't know everything about them after meeting them once or twice, but at least I know what they look like. Also, if I get alarm bells going off in my head I can be extra cautious.

 

Friend #1- After this friend left the other day my son said his friend was unsure if he would be welcome here. My son went on to say that friend was not a Christian, but was learning. His family is Christian. I think Catholic. Anyway, I felt horrible that my son would think that we wouldn't welcome a non-Christian friend. (ETA - I'm not referring to the friend as non-Christian because he's Catholic, but because his friend said he isn't a Christian yet.) I was starting to freak a bit. After reassuring my son that his friends of any religious or non religious leanings were welcome I found out it is friend's family that is not very welcoming to "outsiders". So, friend was unsure if we would be welcoming.

 

I have to admit I'm a little afraid of inviting them only to be found lacking in my Christianity. I like his friend, and have no problem with him coming here. Not sure I want my son over there if they are unwelcoming. I also don't know that it was a religious reason that the friends were not welcome. Maybe that is just how the boys perceive it?

 

Should I invite them to get a better feel? I think the worst that would happen there is that my kid won't be welcome in their house. That might not be a bad thing.

 

Friend #2 - This friend has an alcoholic father, that can be violent when drunk. My son will not be going to their house anyway. Do I invite this family? I think it's an intact family, maybe just friend, mom, and siblings will come?

 

I'm not trying to offend anyone with my questions. I've never really dealt with situation number 2 before. I'm sure I've been in situation number one because I can think of a couple of families that never got back in touch with us :)

 

Thanks! Kelly

Edited June 27, 2016 by SquirrellyMama

[Um_2_4]

For #2, I would just do a mom's brunch or lunch invite. Phrase it as a mom's time so the kiddos can play.

For #1, no idea, I'm usually the mom who isn't invited  :tongue_smilie:

[Bambam]

How old is your son?

 

I typically arranged to meet people at public parks where the kids could play and the moms could chat. That answers a lot of questions. If the children are teens, I'd probably pick a Starbucks or yogurt place so moms can chat and teens can chat.

 

I have been surprised at the number of families where we met at group activities that would simply drop off their child at my house without ever stopping to say here is my child and what time did you want me to come back to pick them up? Just drive-by drop-off child care. 

 

In my experience too, most people don't invite others over. I don't know why. Usually we invite kids over. So much nicer and easier on me!

Edited June 27, 2016 by Bambam

[Guest]

I think I would invite both on separate occasions and not worry about how either will react. If #1 are so judgmental they are grading your level of Christianity then perhaps that's better to just get of the way now. I'm not sure how they would exactly so that- maybe if you have a TV or something you fail the test. At any rate you are still being a generous and welcoming person who tried, and that is what matters.

 

For #2 I would invite the whole family and just not serve alcohol. Even if dad doesn't chose to attend it might be a sore subject, especially for the child- assuming that's how you found out about the alcoholism. Sounds like he needs a safe space so making introductions with mom may let her be more comfortable with sending him there as a refuge when there's a bad day/night with dad.

[QueenCat]

How old is your son?

[SquirrellyMama]

My son is 13.

[momof4inco]

For #2, I would just do a mom's brunch or lunch invite. Phrase it as a mom's time so the kiddos can play.

 

I like that idea. For #1, I would invite them to lunch or dinner, see if they are judgmental. If they are, they will probably decline the invitation anyway.

 

We would never send our kids over to someone's house without meeting the parents. We are probably weird for that, but I have trust issues.

[ThursdayNext]

I like that idea. For #1, I would invite them to lunch or dinner, see if they are judgmental. If they are, they will probably decline the invitation anyway.

 

We would never send our kids over to someone's house without meeting the parents. We are probably weird for that, but I have trust issues.

My parents did that and I think it's a good thing. I do that too.

(Sometimes I haven't met the husband but my kid is only there when the husband is at work. We try to all meet soon.)

Not all our neighbors were that great growing up. So unless my parents met, got to know, and trusted the other parents, we only played with other kids outside or at our house.

 

I like having people over, and I don't think it's a practice that should die out. I would probably invite the whole family over, even the alcoholic dad. Having him over for dinner doesn't mean you approve of his choices. If things go badly, are tense,then not again.

 

And you never know with the possibly judgmental family. They might like you. And you might rub off on them. A real life example: Family A thinks that Harry Potter is evil, and that any family who allows their kids to read them is failing. They become acquaintances of Family B. As they grow closer, they discover Family B does read Harry Potter. And somehow none of their children are turning into Satan-worshippers. At first Family A is shocked. But instead of cutting off the friendship they continue cautiously. (And warn their children about worldly influences.) By another year or 2, Family A has changed positions, and their younger children are allowed to read Harry Potter.

[SquirrellyMama]

Thanks everyone! I'm glad we aren't the only ones who still like to meet friends' families. As someone else said, I have some trust issues due to events in my past. I also just like having people over for dinner :) 

 

Kelly

[katilac]

I definitely like to know friends' families, but I usually do that in the context of where & how the kids are meeting - so park days, chatting at extracurriculars, and so on. 

 

Definitely don't assume that people aren't wanting to come over because they aren't welcoming to outsiders, it's just that some of us would really, really rather not go eat lunch or dinner with people we don't know. A casual group thing, maybe, but inviting just us over to get to know us better? We are way too socially awkward to handle that kind of pressure, lol. 

 

If we had chatted back and forth a bit, I'd probably be down with lunch at your house with the kids, but I'd still prefer it be at least another kid/parent set. DH would not be inclined at all, just because it's not the type of thing that's on top of his list  after a hard day at work. He also figures that friend and family vetting is a one-person job (mine). 

 

So, that's my lengthy way of saying that some people might be perfectly open and friendly, but prefer a more casual approach to learning about people. We've been lucky because I got to know most of their friends and their families gradually, just through ongoing activities. As far as the ones I don't know that well, I find that most people are thrilled when I say that I'm happy for my house to be the gathering place for loud and hungry teens  :laugh:

[SquirrellyMama]

I definitely like to know friends' families, but I usually do that in the context of where & how the kids are meeting - so park days, chatting at extracurriculars, and so on. 

 

Definitely don't assume that people aren't wanting to come over because they aren't welcoming to outsiders, it's just that some of us would really, really rather not go eat lunch or dinner with people we don't know. A casual group thing, maybe, but inviting just us over to get to know us better? We are way too socially awkward to handle that kind of pressure, lol. 

 

If we had chatted back and forth a bit, I'd probably be down with lunch at your house with the kids, but I'd still prefer it be at least another kid/parent set. DH would not be inclined at all, just because it's not the type of thing that's on top of his list  after a hard day at work. He also figures that friend and family vetting is a one-person job (mine). 

 

So, that's my lengthy way of saying that some people might be perfectly open and friendly, but prefer a more casual approach to learning about people. We've been lucky because I got to know most of their friends and their families gradually, just through ongoing activities. As far as the ones I don't know that well, I find that most people are thrilled when I say that I'm happy for my house to be the gathering place for loud and hungry teens  :laugh:

 

There are been times when just one parent comes by to chat. I probably wouldn't meet these parents through activities, that's why I wanted to have them over. I don't always go to their activities to meet with the other parents, usually that is where I'm the least comfortable talking. Well, I'll get to know the boys a bit first and see how they react to a family dinner invite.

 

Kelly

 

[Rebel Yell]

I get to know almost all of the families of my girls' friends more casually through their group activities, such as chatting during drop off, pick up, or waiting time during classes, rehearsals, shows, etc. Because my girls are older (21, 16, 14) if I were going to meet the family it would feel less weird to do so in a public place such as Starbucks while the girls shopped at the mall or went to a movie or show. Actually, I often suggest that as we find ourselves waiting, rather than just going home in between.

 

Of course, I don't expect to meet the families of Diamond's new acquaintances unless it is a young man seeking marriage.

 

I know or am familiar with most of the families of SweetChild's friends. I trust her judgement. We have an open-door policy here, meaning all friends are welcome at anytime. I meet most of the kids at my home, so we're comfortable with her visiting at theirs.

 

BabyBaby has a smaller circle of friends, including a boyfriend. I have briefly met his mom a few times and chatted for less than 5 minutes if we meet halfway for the kids to get together. My 14yo is my baby, but HER 14yo is her oldest, so we're in slightly different worlds. He mostly hangs out at our house. She beats him at video games, and we feed him. 😎

 

So... All of that to say, we have never invited another family over for dinner just to get to know them or to see if it will be ok for our kids to get together. Usually when we have a family over for dinner or get invited to dinner it is because the kids have already established a close friendship and we already know and like the family. That seems more typical for my area and others I know.

[SquirrellyMama]

 

So... All of that to say, we have never invited another family over for dinner just to get to know them or to see if it will be ok for our kids to get together. Usually when we have a family over for dinner or get invited to dinner it is because the kids have already established a close friendship and we already know and like the family. That seems more typical for my area and others I know.

 

It's not about whether the kids can get together. I'm fine if they hang out here, at the library, around town, etc... I've always met families in the past before my kids were allowed inside time at the friend's house. I wanted to know who the parents were, what they looked like, etc...

 

I'm not trying to be best friends or even have multiple dinner dates. Honestly, maybe I'll look at FB instead. I don't need their life story.

 

In the past this is what the families in our circle did, so it wasn't all that odd. The kids are moving out of our "bubble" and meeting new people. I think that is a great thing. I've been trying to do this for years, but it isn't easy in small town home schooling circles to find people who are different than we are.

 

I've never rejected any of their friends, but have had rules that they were not allowed to go into the friend's house if there were red flags. There was a friend who had an abusive family member sometimes. We didn't allow our dd to go into their house. I didn't know when the family member would be there. 

 

The kids aren't in any common activities so I won't be meeting the parents of these two kids that way.

 

Kelly

 

[lmrich]

Is there a place in town to get a coffee? It might be easier to meet the mom and kid there before you do a dinner invite.