Father's Day family dynamics situation... not sure what to do

[Pen]

I've found myself feeling troubled by a seemingly little thing from Father's Day.  

 

My father and I have a troubled situation/relationship. I posted before that he was having surgery for pancreatic cancer and that I was praying for both recovery and also some amends from him to my mother (his first wife, divorced long ago) whom he was terrible to. He made it through his surgery all right, but is not yet to the point of maybe being able to talk through relationship issues.

 

My aunt, my father's sister, and I got together shortly before Father's Day and she wanted me to sign a group card from her and several others in the family, kind of a cute card, and with the sentiment along the lines of "We all agree, you're the world's best father" (not the exact words, but along those lines).  I ended up signing it, not to make a scene or make my aunt feel bad (I think maybe she really should have a card that said something about him being the world's best brother, since I think she feels that is true). But I really do not feel that my father is anything like the world's best father. I know there are far worse ones--ones who murder or incest their children for example. But I'd rate him sort of low amongst fathers, at least for myself as child--I think he did better with the kids from his second marriage.

 

I have carefully chosen cards for my father so that they do not say anything I cannot say genuinely (despite that he was a pretty terrible father, I do love him anyway, so there are usually cards that have sentiments that work okay).  My own father's day card was very sweet, I think, while saying nothing that I felt was dishonest--focus more on love for him and hoping he would have a wonderful day type of sentiment.

 

This seems like it is trivial and silly to still be thinking about. But I am. Not sure if I should try to say something to my aunt at some point, and if so, what.

 

WWYD?

Edited June 21, 2016 by Pen

[Carol in Cal.]

I wouldn't say anything to your aunt at this point, but in the future if asked to sign a group card I would say, "I already got a card myself, thanks anyway." and don't join in.

[regentrude]

I would not waste any emotional energy on a discussion with my aunt.

I also highly doubt your "carefully chosen" messages will have registered with your father at all.

 

So not worth overthinking, IMO.

Edited June 21, 2016 by regentrude

[J-rap]

I'd feel the same as you.  I wouldn't worry about what you have already done.  In the future, just tell her you have already gotten your own card.

[purplejackmama]

I just wanted to commiserate with you, I have the same greeting card dilemma every year. I keep looking for the card that's says, "Happy Fathers Day, hope you have a good day!" But alas, I haven't found it and it feels disingenuous to give a card that isn't true (worlds best dad!, um NO)

 

I finally just stopped searching for a card ;)

[happi duck]

(hugs)

 

It feels terrible getting caught in an over thinking loop.

 

Don't say anything to anyone.

[OneStepAtATime]

Nothing you say to your aunt will improve the situation or clear things up.  What could you say that would make this better?  I can't envision anything that would help, but maybe you can.  You know her better.  What I see is a possibility of making this worse.  It could potentially explode into something negative that makes the situation more stressful and could trigger additional issues.  It won't be easy to get out of a mental loop like this and I sympathize with your situation but I agree the best option it seems to me at this point is just to decline in the future and say you already have a card.  

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  

 

Signing that card does not mean you lied or are falsely representing yourself over the long haul.  It was one card signed by many.  People do that all the time.  He was facing a serious health crisis.  Maybe the card helped him in some way to feel stronger.  You still care so that seems like a good thing to me.  When I get a card signed by a group I do not think every person signing on that card is accountable for everything pre-printed on the card.  I appreciate that they signed it but it isn't some sort of abiding contract.  The card you sent individually, and the cards you have sent in the past, are the one that really count in my book.  

[Spryte]

I wouldn't say anything either. And I totally here you on the greeting card problem.

 

This time, though - your name was one among many. You didn't choose it. You signed a card full of well wishes, and that's it. I bet not everyone signing it meant to convey the exact sentiment on the card either.

[ErinE]

.

Edited November 8, 2016 by ErinE

[FaithManor]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Right there with you. I am trying to be genuine to myself, to keep my conscience clear, and to not give my mom false hopes. Sigh...so my father's day card was hand written, merciful, kind, and graceful, but not overwhelming with sentiment either. What did my sister do? Went out an bought a father's day gift from our sons without their knowledge and then gave it to my dad as though the boys' had dropped it off to him.

 

Let it go. My brother knows better. Really, and so do the other important people. The rest of the world doesn't need to embrace my true reality, and deep down, I am pretty certain my mom understands what is going on between dad and I. If she can't accept that, I can't help her. I just don't go out of my way to make things worse if I can help it. That said, he's dying, and I am not going to give him false hope. I don't want him hanging on for something that isn't going to happen which is me telling him he's the best thing since sliced cheese and his actions don't matter a fig because he is better than everyone else. Sorry. He really needs to be remorseful. Not my look out to get him to feel remorse, but also not my look out to blow smoke up his skirt so to speak or to make things worse for my own family in order to cater to my mother's dysfunctional reality.

 

Try to think of the card as one of those retirement cards that get sent around inter officer mail. You sign something to be nice to a co-worker that you may not actually know well. Same thing. It is a random act of kindness.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'd just let it go.  It's not worth it.  I don't like those kinds of cards either. 

 

 

[mamiof5]

I'd let it go. I also dislike cards like that. We are all humans and have dropped the ball so many yes! No one is "best" nothing. Some folks just drop the ball more than others. And there's some who sadly do really bad stuff, more often than not I just don't understand it :(

[Evergreen State Sue]

I hate it when I can't let something go like this and I keep thinking about it and rethinking about it.  Maybe by just sharing your feelings here, that will help you let it go.  I don't think it is worth talk to your Aunt about something that has already happened.  Like what was said before, if you are asked to sign a card again, just say you already have a card to give him.