Divorce

[Scarlett]

I hate it also. Because it is never used to describe broken homes (regardless of marital status) and it is always used to describe single parent homes. It originated as vernacular laden with judgment.

 

My own home was MUCH more broken when I was married to the kids' Dad.

I use it when talking about my son and step sons and neither live in a single parent home. I don't know about the judgment part....it is just a term to describe their situation.

[Scarlett]

I'm divorced. The term "broken home" doesn't bother me, and - thus far, anyway - nor does it bother my children.

 

I think we give rise to emotionally charged words when we can just as easily take them at face value. I think it's a choice, though perhaps a more difficult one for some depending on the baggage they carry over from negative relationships and painful experiences.

 

I could replace the word BROKEN with a synonym, such as FRACTURED. And that's exactly what a divorce does - it fractures a home. A divorce legally fractures, or breaks, a family of origin. Also true: sometimes this break, or fracture, is the same or better than the INTACT family. One need only to look at mosaic art to see that something beautiful and good can come from the broken pieces. That a piece is a lovely work of art doesn't negate that it was created from broken bits. That someone is better off (emotionally) through divorce doesn't negate that this, too, was created from a broken relationship.

 

The term "broken family" doesn't have to be anything more than descriptive - if insensitively so, to some people's perception - unless we choose for it to be.

 

FWIW only one of my children has any genuine relationship with my ex-husband; the others are civil and courteous but could go the rest of their lives not interacting with their father ever again. They'd be the first to say that their home was much more 'broken' during our marriage than following our divorce. None of their friends come from divorced families, so the phrase 'broken home' could feel particularly loaded when coming from those families' mouths. And yet, it's just not a big deal to us because it's true - they are children from a broken, fractured home. Fortunately for them, we're all better off for it - financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. So we can shrug off any judgment, implied or inferred, and just accept the phrase at face value. Maybe it'd be different if we were struggling on any of those fronts, I don't know. We're not, which puts us in a great position to shed any baggage associated with the phrase and to move beyond it.

This. Exactly how I feel. And how my son feels.

 

I actually use the word fractured more than broken to describe my sons FOO.

[Scarlett]

Tita,

 

I am glad your experience and reaction to the phrase is so evolved.

 

It's not, as you suggest, that I have "baggage." I truly find the phrase insulting. Inaccurate as it is used to describe homes in which there has been divorce and that it (still) carries judgment and sometimes pity, patronization, and contempt.

 

You continue on with your evolved self. I ask that you consider allowing me to have my own reaction to the phrase without being corrected. Thanks.

She didn't correct you anymore than you corrected me. Which is to say it wasn't correction but just our own opinions and perceptions.

[Tita Gidge]

Tita,

 

I am glad your experience and reaction to the phrase is so evolved.

 

It's not, as you suggest, that I have "baggage." I truly find the phrase insulting. Inaccurate as it is used to describe homes in which there has been divorce and that it (still) carries judgment and sometimes pity, patronization, and contempt.

 

You continue on with your evolved self. I ask that you consider allowing me to have my own reaction to the phrase without being corrected. Thanks.

 

:seeya: Reading you loud and clear. I'll refrain from further discussion here other than to defend the incorrect inferences from my post.

 

I didn't suggest "you" have anything. I was replying to Scarlett's question about the phrase when your post must have gone through. I hadn't seen your post, didn't mention you by name, didn't quote you, and I certainly didn't correct you. I don't know you from Adam to care what baggage you do, or don't, carry with regards to that phrase or any other. I'll accept that I'm evolved, but I'm no mind reader; you flatter us both.

 

I contributed my thoughts to an on-going conversation, and will continue to do so. It'd be great if you could, and would, too. A difference of opinions and reactions is what makes these discussions interesting and valuable; it's what challenges us in our own beliefs and invites us to better understand others'. Frankly, it's why I'm here - to read, to learn, to grow, to fritter away time while my car gets fixed ...

 

What could have been an informative dialogue on how each of us (and others) interpret the phrase has been lost to, what, exactly? What was the point of your post to me, the one quoted above? the words you use, the tone you wrote with? Rhetorical question. I know we'd disagree on what it was and what was driving it. I bet we can agree that neither of us cares about the other's opinion on it, so here's to that!  :cheers2:

 

Nobody corrected you and nobody needs to give you permission to have, and to share, your own reactions. To assert otherwise is petty and absurd, but you know this. To infer that my having a different reaction than you has somehow prevented you from having your own reaction? Well, that is more indicative of your "self" more than it is mine - evolved as mine was said to be.  

 

To bring this full circle, note your use of the word EVOLVED. Like the words "baggage" and "broken home," use of EVOLVED in this context can be taken any number of ways. I accept it at face value, regardless of what your intent was - maybe you intended it at face value, maybe it was an emotionally charged attempt to get a rise. I maintain that it's our choice how to accept those words, however they are tossed our way. I already explained my reaction to "broken home" and can easily sum up my reaction to "baggage" at it's face-value: we all carry things through life that slow us down.

 

I'll re-acknowledge that we're all at different places in our healing, and that this affects our ability to recognize the choices we have. But it's true that we have the choice in how we accept the words used by others. We assign their emotional charge (positive, neutral, negative) for ourselves. This has even been demonstrated on a large scale - the appropriation of negatively charged words such as those found in ethnic and sexual minority groups, e.g. 

 

It's true that some people are at a point where they are able to see this. It's also true that others are still weighed down by their experiences and pain, and not yet able to see that the choice exists. But I wasn't the one to claim this made one person better than another. I don't believe it to be true. You used evolved, but I think self-actualized is more appropriate. It describes where someone is on their journey, not who or what they are, which is more in line with what I originally posted.

 

See you around campus, Joanne.