How to engage the world of screen-stare-ers.

[Ginevra]

Kind of ironic, since I'm posting this from an iPad. :P

 

In another thread, a poster (i think it was Janeaway) remarked that so many people are always looking at their phones nowadays. Yes, this is true, especially people younger than maybe 40 or 35.

 

I was just thinking about this yesterday. We are currently in a vacation location; my nephew's family was here. To give credit where due, nephew did not have a phone/device out; he was doing all activities without a phone. But his wife had her phone continually out. Photos, video, shares, likes. None of this is bad by itself, of course, and clearly, I do these things sometimes, too. (Now, for example. ;)) It just was noticeable because I was talking to mama, and mama was talking to me, but I seldom saw her actual face. Her face was in her phone. Even while she was feeding her baby, her opposite hand was scrolling, liking, posting or whatever she was doing.

 

I don't know - I have some mixed feelings about this because I am not anti-screens. I share things, I "like" things. I use FB and post videos and photos. I come here, obviously, and "talk" to my cyber-friends. But when is it too much? When has it crossed into ANTI-social networking?

 

Do you attempt to pull people off their devices? (I'm not talking about your kids; I mean other adults.) Do you ever say, "Hey, mama. Why don't you put down your phone and look at the face of your nursing baby?" Or is that just an old fogie reaction?

[regentrude]

Do you attempt to pull people off their devices? (I'm not talking about your kids; I mean other adults.) Do you ever say, "Hey, mama. Why don't you put down your phone and look at the face of your nursing baby?" Or is that just an old fogie reaction?

 

No, I do not attempt to pull adults off their devices. It is not an issue I have encountered.

Normally, people playing on the phone while I am talking to them would irritate me, but you mention a young nursing mother - and there I would be inclined to cut a lot of slack: this may be the only time she ever gets to sit and mess on her phone. Telling her to put down her phone and look at the face of her baby would be patronizing and rude. The only thing I could see somebody saying is to look at them because it is irritating to have a conversation with somebody who does not make eye contact. But telling her how to care for her child? No, out of line.

Edited June 19, 2016 by regentrude

[Soror]

I don't like to talk to people that don't actually look at me, I mean I find it nearly impossible. So, if I keep trying to talk to someone and they don't even bother to look at me or stop playing on their phone at the same time so be it. I don't feel it is my job to engage people, unless someone is at my house but then again if people obviously don't want to engage then I say just let them be(then again I think why bother to come in the first place). I do find it terribly rude when people only give other people half of their attention, no matter what they are doing.

[marbel]

I don't know too many people who do that, but if they do it when I'm talking to them, I just stop talking.   Eventually the person looks up to see why I'm not saying anything, and that gives me the opportunity to say something like "I can see you're busy; we can talk later."  If it's appropriate to the situation, I walk away. 

 

When I was nursing my kids, I would read sometimes.  I know I looked at their faces, but it wasn't constant.  So to me only the device has changed. 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I encounter this constantly.  I've sat in a room with 12 or so other adults and watched as they all stared at their phones.  Nobody talked to each other.  I don't have a phone worth staring at (it's only good for calls and barely even good for that).  It's weird.  And that's coming from a major introvert.  I've also encountered this with people who specifically invited me out or to their home.  But for one thing I specifically do not buy a phone like this because I know myself.  I'd be doing the same thing.  I know, if you can't beat them join them, but I already spend too much time staring at screens.  When I'm out I want to focus on that.  Otherwise, why bother leaving the house?

 

But, to each their own.  I'm not going to tell other people how to do things. 

[Soror]

No, I do not attempt to pull adults off their devices. It is not an issue I have encounteered.

Normally, people playing on the phone while I am talking to them would irritate me, but you mention a young nursing mother - and there I would be inclined to cut a lot of slack: this may be the only time she ever gets to sit and mess on her phone. Telling her to put down her phone and look at the face of her baby would be patronizing and rude.

True. I'm with my kids 24/7(and have been for nearly 12 yrs now) when I'm out at park day that is generally my time to visit w/ other moms. Earlier this year I actually sat in the car in the parking lot while the kids played in the park in front of me. Some people do perpetually ignore their kids, but that is on them. Historically kids were certainly not the center of the universe. I think it is good for us to realize that we don't have to devote all our time and attention to our kids, it will be ok, even if I think massive amounts of electronic time aren't the best use of time(I admit that I'm on to much myself).

[SparklyUnicorn]

I sometimes wonder what people are looking at on their phones.  Like are they on message boards or Facebook being social?  LOL  It's like hello...there are actual people in the flesh here that you could talk to, but you are "talking" to people on the Internet instead...  Strange.

 

 

 

[City Mouse]

I find it humorous sometimes, but I try not to make judgements. I was at the Grand Canyon with my DS yesterday. We saw many people sitting on benches in the shade on screens and many more using devices for taking photos.mmany if the people just sitting had obviously been dioing some serious hiking. Maybe they were using said devices to let other people know that had survived hiking down the Grand Canyon.

At times, I was one of those people. I was using social media to share photos with family members who were not able to go with us on this trip. My son and I were also playing a web based game that uses GPS (kind of like geocaching), so it would look like I was face down in a screen and not paying any attention to my surroundings but actually the exact opposite was going on.

 

Now, that being said, I do call out my DH when we go out to eat and the first thing he does is pull out his phone.

[SKL]

If it's a meeting with you and her alone (and her baby), then I think it is rude for her to stare at her screen, unless she excuses herself and says she has something urgent she needs to attend to.

 

If she's just one of many in the room, and it's just a general chat session, I'd cut her some slack.  Who knows how often she gets to check into social media?  I don't know if your person has other significant demands such as work or ailing family members that she needs to keep track of.  Or was she in a place where internet is spotty and this was a brief opportunity?  It's hard to assume she was being rude.

 

I would be reluctant to judge a mom who is multitasking.  It may be the best option she has at that moment.  I have had times when I've taken my kids somewhere fun and then "ignored them" i.e. attended to my urgent work responsibilities on my iphone / walked the perimeter of the park.  Would it be better to "ignore them" at home instead of at the park?  Maybe I believe it's better for them to play without my direct interaction at times.  (And I did this when they were tots also.)  We tend to do our heart-to-hearts in private anyway.

 

Well, my parents didn't have iphones, but they never took us to parks / libraries etc., let alone interacted with us there.  We kids did all of that on our own, once we were old enough.  Before that, we just stayed home / played in the yard - but our mom was busy working or cleaning or *gasp* watching TV, not staring at us.  Go back 100 or 200 or 300 years and I think you'll find it similar.  I heard a study showed that modern parents actualy spend *more* time with their kids than historically, and it may well be because of iphones etc.

[SKL]

Also, some babies will stop nursing if you keep "interacting" with them, so maybe this lady has one of those.

[regentrude]

And, to add to previous post:

I have a friend who is a mother of four and has a job teaching online classes. She will use the phone while she is nursing her baby to answer student emails, post course content, read assignments. Technology enables her to work from home and combine parenting with being the bread winner for the family. Beats going to an office.

[SKL]

With very close friends, I will comment if they are glued to their cell phones in a social situation.  Sometimes, though, they have a good reason.  Like the elevators broke during a wedding at their event center.  :P  My friends are close enough that they don't need to say "excuse me" if they switch from my gorgeous face to their phone.  Most other people do tend to apologize if they need to interrupt a conversation to look at a screen.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Oh I totally get the allure with mothers of very young kids. I managed to find enough adult interaction at that point in time, but my needs for that are pretty low.  For some people it's probably a sanity saver. 

 

 

[regentrude]

I sometimes wonder what people are looking at on their phones.  Like are they on message boards or Facebook being social?  LOL  It's like hello...there are actual people in the flesh here that you could talk to, but you are "talking" to people on the Internet instead...  

 

With my teens, the most prevalent phone use is texting with their friends.

So yes, somebody else may be present, but they are communicating with the people they feel closest to. 

ETA: And yes, they know what is perceived as rude and won't text while we are having a meal or a conversation

Edited June 19, 2016 by regentrude

[BarbecueMom]

I'm pretty sure the smartphone saved nursing with my third kid (who is actually still nursing at almost 3). Sensory wise, nursing is like someone taking my hand and scraping my nails on a chalkboard over and over, and then rubbing them on upholstery. Without the distraction, I literally start to gag while breastfeeding from the sensory overload. I've tried reading, but I can't concentrate on that with three kids and the babies always swatted the book out of my hands.

[Guest]

If it's a meeting with you and her alone (and her baby), then I think it is rude for her to stare at her screen, unless she excuses herself and says she has something urgent she needs to attend to.

 

If she's just one of many in the room, and it's just a general chat session, I'd cut her some slack. Who knows how often she gets to check into social media? I don't know if your person has other significant demands such as work or ailing family members that she needs to keep track of. Or was she in a place where internet is spotty and this was a brief opportunity? It's hard to assume she was being rude.

 

I would be reluctant to judge a mom who is multitasking. It may be the best option she has at that moment. I have had times when I've taken my kids somewhere fun and then "ignored them" i.e. attended to my urgent work responsibilities on my iphone / walked the perimeter of the park. Would it be better to "ignore them" at home instead of at the park? Maybe I believe it's better for them to play without my direct interaction at times. (And I did this when they were tots also.) We tend to do our heart-to-hearts in private anyway.

 

Well, my parents didn't have iphones, but they never took us to parks / libraries etc., let alone interacted with us there. We kids did all of that on our own, once we were old enough. Before that, we just stayed home / played in the yard - but our mom was busy working or cleaning or *gasp* watching TV, not staring at us. Go back 100 or 200 or 300 years and I think you'll find it similar. I heard a study showed that modern parents actualy spend *more* time with their kids than historically, and it may well be because of iphones etc.

Just to clarify, it's not so much I felt it was being *rude* to me. It's more that, when I see that, I feel like the person is missing out on real life, because they are busy with the cyber-life, KWIM?

 

This particular woman does not seem shy or socially stressed or anything that would indicate using the phone to avoid being present IRL. It was just noticeable that she was not looking *up* much. And I have noticed that in many other settings, too.

[Janeway]

I have a friend who will clearly not be "here" because she is in the online world. I have been known to say "I see you are busy right now" to her.

 

Also, I am guilty of too much phone too. My husband is way too guilty of this. I have been talking lately about the need to acknowledge each other's existence. The thing with him is out of hand,

[regentrude]

I feel like the person is missing out on real life, because they are busy with the cyber-life, KWIM?

 

I found that in the younger generation, this distinction between "real" and "cyber" life is not really a distinction: the friends with whom they communicate through electronic means are real.  In some cases, these are their friends and significant others, groups and communities they see in person - in other cases, they have developed deep relationships with people whom they have never encountered face to face, but these relationships are no less real.

 

I am part of an online group of mothers who were all expecting in the same month of 1997. We first communicated through an email list, later moved to a yahoo group, are now in a facebook group. The kids are now 19 years old, and of the 120 or so original members, 49 of us are still in close, pretty much daily, contact after 20 years. Over two decades, we shared not only our parenting experiences, but also good and bad moments with spouses, parents, jobs. We celebrated the births of siblings, the school successes of the children, the college acceptances, and we supported each other through divorces, homelessness, the death of one of  the children. For all practical purposes, we are a close knit group of friends - and most of us have met no more than a handful of the others in person, but this is real life.

[SKL]

The irony of us talking about screens here on WTM.  :P  This is where I probably spend the most of my screen time outside of work.  Since it looks like I'm working, perhaps it isn't considered so bad ....

[marbel]

I found that in the younger generation, this distinction between "real" and "cyber" life is not really a distinction: the friends with whom they communicate through electronic means are real.  In some cases, these are their friends and significant others, groups and communities they see in person - in other cases, they have developed deep relationships with people whom they have never encountered face to face, but these relationships are no less real.

 

<snip>

 

This is true, and true of me too, even at my advanced age. :-)

 

But, if I'm with people - in person - for the purpose of talking or otherwise engaging with them, I need to focus on them, not on the people who are not in the room with me.  If the people I engage with via electronic means are more important to me, that's fine, but then I need to excuse myself from the people who are actually in the room to interact with those who are not. 

 

[lllll]

nm

Edited November 30, 2016 by cathey

[SKL]

Just to clarify, it's not so much I felt it was being *rude* to me. It's more that, when I see that, I feel like the person is missing out on real life, because they are busy with the cyber-life, KWIM?

 

 

I know this is a thing, but I think it's more complex.  In some ways, we're less social with the people in front of us (perhaps - though some people would just stay home otherwise).  In other ways, we are more connected with people at a physical distance.  I do value the cyber connection I have with people I rarely see in person.  In fact, it very much helps me to be less shy and awkward when we do meet.  For example, in the international adoption community, we have occasional get-togethers so the kids can be with others like them.  We would attend them, but we mostly felt like outsiders because we had no contact between times, and many of the other members did.  I finally found and joined the facebook groups they were on, and it has made a big difference - not only do we recognize each other better, but I'm able to contribute and get parenting ideas etc. and celebrate all the kids' accomplishments, pray for them when troubles hit, etc.  In some respects it isn't "real," i.e., we are only seeing a small snapshot of the other people, but in other ways it's more real, because you can have a sensitive conversation with people who understand and won't (usually) be hurt by it.

 

It's also nice to see and give family updates so we are all caught up when we get together at holidays.

 

I am rambling here.  I just feel it's a balance.  In the "old days," people used to go off and write a letter or make a telephone call.  Now they squeeze in a few keystrokes without leaving the room.  It can be too much, or not enough.  I do think young people need to be taught iphone etiquette though.

[kewb]

No, I don't normally try to pull other adults off of their devices. I don't think it is my job to be the screen police. No matter how annoyed I may feel at the moment. I will stop speaking with an adult who is not giving me their undivided attention until they finished up what they are doing on the screen and then continue as if there was no interruption.

I do remind my teens to engage with the people they are actually sitting with and to please put their phones away.

Edited June 19, 2016 by kewb

[Guest]

Ok, I will be the odd person out and say I am 100% without fail on my phone when I'm in a group of more than 3 people.  I will almost always accept invitations but 5 minutes into it, I done people-ing.  So I find myself a nook or cranny or the far end of a restaurant table and check out for a while.

And I noticed one of the comments from the other thread saying that there was a mother whose toddler was doing adorable things while the mom was in her phone or something like that.  I was that mom, and honestly, it's not so adorable when you've seen pretty much the same things 100 other times and have already gotten the pics and videos.  So DS learned how to play by himself because I was NOT going to be his playmate and we were both happier for it.

[theelfqueen]

If I have a phone out in a social situations. Its usually because I am uncomfortable in the social situation and wish to disengage from it.

[SKL]

My kids have limited screen time.  I wonder if it is one of the reasons they find it relatively easy to jump into social situations.  I have friends who are scared to send their kids into a new social experience because they don't deal with it well.  Too much eye contact I guess.

 

I promised my kids cell phones for their 10th birthdays (if they act right!).  I have to decide what kind to get and what rules to impose.  Some say no texting ability, but I'm not sure; I can see the value of texting at times.  But no, I won't tolerate rude behavior knowingly.  Maybe giving them a smart-ish phone will give me a better opportunity to teach them iphone etiquette before they go out and make fools of themselves where it matters.

[Guest]

Ok, I will be the odd person out and say I am 100% without fail on my phone when I'm in a group of more than 3 people. I will almost always accept invitations but 5 minutes into it, I done people-ing. So I find myself a nook or cranny or the far end of a restaurant table and check out for a while.

And I noticed one of the comments from the other thread saying that there was a mother whose toddler was doing adorable things while the mom was in her phone or something like that. I was that mom, and honestly, it's not so adorable when you've seen pretty much the same things 100 other times and have already gotten the pics and videos. So DS learned how to play by himself because I was NOT going to be his playmate and we were both happier for it.

Yes, I was the poster who said that. :) I'm sure there's a component of wistfulness, because I don't have adorable toddlers any more.

[Guest]

If I have a phone out in a social situations. Its usually because I am uncomfortable in the social situation and wish to disengage from it.

Yes, I think this is a common reason, but then you are not improving in this fashion. Although you may be okay with that.

[SKL]

Yes, I was the poster who said that. :) I'm sure there's a component of wistfulness, because I don't have adorable toddlers any more.

 

When I had toddlers, I was too busy and stressed out to think about them being "adorable."  Except when they were asleep.  I'm probably not the only one.  :)

 

I look at the photos from those days, and I think, "wow, my kids were cute, I wonder why I don't remember it that way."  :p

 

Before kids, I thought tots were extremely cute.  I'll probably feel that way again someday.  But when you're in it, it's not the same.

Edited June 19, 2016 by SKL

[SparklyUnicorn]

This is true, and true of me too, even at my advanced age. :-)

 

But, if I'm with people - in person - for the purpose of talking or otherwise engaging with them, I need to focus on them, not on the people who are not in the room with me.  If the people I engage with via electronic means are more important to me, that's fine, but then I need to excuse myself from the people who are actually in the room to interact with those who are not. 

 

 

Same here.  And I met my husband on-line before that was cool or common. 

[Bluegoat]

This is true, and true of me too, even at my advanced age. :-)

 

But, if I'm with people - in person - for the purpose of talking or otherwise engaging with them, I need to focus on them, not on the people who are not in the room with me.  If the people I engage with via electronic means are more important to me, that's fine, but then I need to excuse myself from the people who are actually in the room to interact with those who are not. 

 

 

I think this is just basic etiquette, and it's always applied to other things that clearly cut you off from the people you are with as well. 

 

The thing with something like FB is it is so habit forming - and it is absolutely meant to be, and I think when it is right there, people sometimes can't help themselves.

 

Also - there is a way that some people in particular need to be careful off, that online interaction can fulfill the need for social communication, but without the demands and hard parts of concrete community life.  It's easy to just shut it off or ignore people when it is hard, the demands it makes probably won't be great, you can easily arrange it so many of the people are a lot like yourself.  But in the end, those aren't the people you will need to come up with a plan for a new sewage treatment plant with, or be on the PTA with, or whose door you will need to knock on when you lose your keys behind your stoop in -40 weather. 

[marbel]

Ok, I will be the odd person out and say I am 100% without fail on my phone when I'm in a group of more than 3 people.  I will almost always accept invitations but 5 minutes into it, I done people-ing.  So I find myself a nook or cranny or the far end of a restaurant table and check out for a while.

 

<snip>

 

If you can only stand 5 minutes of socializing, why do you go?  Why accept the invitation at all?  

 

I think (but I am not sure because I've never experienced it), if I invited someone to a social thing and repeatedly saw that they checked out after a few minutes, I'd stop inviting them after a time.   I might feel hurt, or maybe just annoyed, that the person bothered to come if they didn't want to engage with the group.  Or if we were so boring the person couldn't stand to be with us.  I might wonder if there were some bad feelings between you and someone else in the group, including myself.  If it was the first time, I might wonder if one of us had said something to offend you.  I think it would be uncomfortable for the group (or maybe just some people in the group, or maybe just me.)

 

Do you just prefer one-on-one situations? 

 

(I don't mean to be pushy and of course you don't have to respond if you don't want to.  I'm genuinely puzzled by this though.) 

 

[shawthorne44]

Oh I totally get the allure with mothers of very young kids. I managed to find enough adult interaction at that point in time, but my needs for that are pretty low.  For some people it's probably a sanity saver. 

 

 

I've read that they think kids are talking later than they used to.   The reason being that the kids are being talked to less.   Instead of commenting to the baby on the pink and blue elephants on the wall in the waiting room, parents are whipping out their phone.  

 

SparklyUnicorn, I don't have a data plan for the same reason you don't have a smart phone.  'Because I'd use it'.   I actually have a smart phone now.   It is a hand-me-down from my parents, but I use it basically as a dumb phone.  

[SKL]

FTR I use my iphone as part of my communication with my kids.  I let them read some of my messages and help me compose texts and such.  So it isn't an escape from my kids.  Actually I am no great lover of phones, never have been.  My kids like them more than I do.  :P  I would much rather be present with my loved ones.  It's just a tool for me.  But I know when people see me whip it out around my kids, they are thinking, "bad mom.  Poor kids."  :P

 

My kids never were big on talking, but it wasn't because I didn't blab at them enough.  :P  I did notice that they talked more after being around *other* adults, like the grandparents.  I'm not sure exactly why that was.  I guess Mom's voice just goes in one ear and out the other.  :P

[Guest]

If you can only stand 5 minutes of socializing, why do you go?  Why accept the invitation at all?  

 

I think (but I am not sure because I've never experienced it), if I invited someone to a social thing and repeatedly saw that they checked out after a few minutes, I'd stop inviting them after a time.   I might feel hurt, or maybe just annoyed, that the person bothered to come if they didn't want to engage with the group.  Or if we were so boring the person couldn't stand to be with us.  I might wonder if there were some bad feelings between you and someone else in the group, including myself.  If it was the first time, I might wonder if one of us had said something to offend you.  I think it would be uncomfortable for the group (or maybe just some people in the group, or maybe just me.)

 

Do you just prefer one-on-one situations? 

 

(I don't mean to be pushy and of course you don't have to respond if you don't want to.  I'm genuinely puzzled by this though.) 

 

 

Thankfully, my friends know me and don't mind my lack of social skills.  The shortest time I've been friends with someone is 8 years, all the way up to 29 years. You and me probably wouldn't get along well IRL. 

I actually prefer zero interaction, but one-on-one with a very select few people is definitely preferable to many or even one-on-one with just anyone.  By the time I sort out my words in my head and slow my thoughts down enough to be somewhat understandable so I won't stutter very much, the conversation has moved on.  Repeat. Repeat. Repeat....And just in general, the closeness of people wears on me, to say nothing of the interactions.  I will have short, quippy conversations with the person next to me at the restaurant table or interject one liners when I think the general conversation calls for some sarcasm, but for the most part I stay out of it all.  Game nights are better even though there are usually a lot more people since I can hide behind my cards/pieces and just laugh at various antics.

 

I go to things because I truly do like the people in my circle, and I'm pretty sure they like me since, you know, they keep inviting me to things.  I don't think that just because someone has troubles socially they should exclude themselves from everything.  That's a little heartless.

 

ETA: a statement qualifier.

Edited June 20, 2016 by WendyAndMilo

[marbel]

Thankfully, my friends know me and don't mind my lack of social skills.  The shortest time I've been friends with someone is 8 years, all the way up to 29 years. You and me probably wouldn't get along well IRL. 

I actually prefer zero interaction, but one-on-one with a very select few people is definitely preferable to many or even one-on-one with just anyone.  By the time I sort out my words in my head and slow my thoughts down enough to be somewhat understandable so I won't stutter very much, the conversation has moved on.  Repeat. Repeat. Repeat....And just in general, the closeness of people wears on me, to say nothing of the interactions.  I will have short, quippy conversations with the person next to me at the restaurant table or interject one liners when I think the general conversation calls for some sarcasm, but for the most part I stay out of it all.  Game nights are better even though there are usually a lot more people since I can hide behind my cards/pieces and just laugh at various antics.

 

I go to things because I truly do like the people in my circle, and I'm pretty sure they like me since, you know, they keep inviting me to things.  I don't think that just because someone has troubles socially they should exclude themselves from everything.  That's a little heartless.

 

ETA: a statement qualifier.

 

Thanks for the explanation.  It makes more sense now.  I'm sorry I offended you.

[KungFuPanda]

Kind of ironic, since I'm posting this from an iPad. :P

 

In another thread, a poster (i think it was Janeaway) remarked that so many people are always looking at their phones nowadays. Yes, this is true, especially people younger than maybe 40 or 35.

 

I was just thinking about this yesterday. We are currently in a vacation location; my nephew's family was here. To give credit where due, nephew did not have a phone/device out; he was doing all activities without a phone. But his wife had her phone continually out. Photos, video, shares, likes. None of this is bad by itself, of course, and clearly, I do these things sometimes, too. (Now, for example. ;)) It just was noticeable because I was talking to mama, and mama was talking to me, but I seldom saw her actual face. Her face was in her phone. Even while she was feeding her baby, her opposite hand was scrolling, liking, posting or whatever she was doing.

 

I don't know - I have some mixed feelings about this because I am not anti-screens. I share things, I "like" things. I use FB and post videos and photos. I come here, obviously, and "talk" to my cyber-friends. But when is it too much? When has it crossed into ANTI-social networking?

 

Do you attempt to pull people off their devices? (I'm not talking about your kids; I mean other adults.) Do you ever say, "Hey, mama. Why don't you put down your phone and look at the face of your nursing baby?" Or is that just an old fogie reaction?

I have a "When in Rome" rule. If I'm at a coffee shop with DH, we either both have the phones out, or both put them away. It just depends. DH works from home, which means we CAN co to the coffee shop midday, but he may have to respond to something when we do. I'm sure someone, somewhere sees us and thinks we're antisocial, but work is no longer confined to offices.

 

If I'm with friends, I make a point of never being the first person to break out the phone unless I get a call from my kids. If I'm with people for the whole day, or an entire weekend, I really don't expect hour after hour of undivided attention. If it's just a few hours, I keep the phone in my purse ignoring any calls or texts that aren't time sensitive.

[JumpyTheFrog]

When I was a kid, I read in an etiquette book that when you have friends over, you shouldn't answer the phone, or should just answer and state you'll have to call them back. I guess that rule has gone out the window in people's minds. I'm tired of having people whip out their phone to check their texts or messages as soon as their hear their phone, even if I am in the middle of a sentence.

[Murphy101]

I don't talk much to someone who is doing something else. *I* am too distracted to carry the conversation and I figure I'm boring them, so I just mosey along.

 

But also, I wonder if people are just exhausted from constantly being "on" socially bc of their kids? I mean if little Timmy is in school and all the attached events to it, one sport, maybe church whatever, and maybe scouts. And this is normal for many people though I personally think that's just way too much for one kid. And the parent also works. Just picturing the constant never ending social interaction of all that makes ME want to crawl in a hole and the irony is that most people who know me IRL would not at all think I am at all an introvert and most think I'm rather hyper, so I don't think it's about those personalities either. I think for many people that "hole" used to be reading a book, or knitting, or doing some paperwork maybe. Nowadays, it seems to be their device.

 

I don't think I do it that much. But then again, I say no to a lot of things that I know many moms would never think to not do bc they view it as a requirement of good parenting to over commit every waking moment it seems. Which might mean I'm not quite as drained as some for the activities we do participate in? Idk. And hey, I know that sounds judgy, but it really isn't. If they are happy with it, I don't care. Their kid, time and money. Just don't judge me as being lazy for not wanting to join the circus. Please.

[poppy]

I view constant phone interaction as either (1) my real friends that I'm texting with are important than you and (2) fearful social phobia. 

I do both occasionally myself, but I'm not proud of it.  I d view it as a form of social stuntedness.  Harsh, I know, but I don't exclude myself from that view.

 

However, people who get miffed if the phone comes out discretely for a few minutes here and there .... well I don't have patience for that either.  Unless there is a reason for you to be the sole social focus (it's your wedding shower, you are the president, I'm visiting you because you are sick, etc) there is no reason putting IRL interactions on a vaulted pedestal.

[pinkmint]

Didn't read all responses, just wanted to say about phone-staring and nursing...

 

My youngest came along when I finally got a smart phone. I would be nursing him and looking at my phone, usually reading/ commenting on my Baby Center birth club. I would think "this is so dumb". Then I'd put my phone down and look at him in all his glorious babyness. It's good to savor the baby/ toddler stage. At the same time, it can be really tedious and exhausting. Nursing 10 times a day, it's hard to sit and reflect during every second of it how precious it is. Reading and interacting with other grown up women online helped my sanity. 

 

I can see both sides of it though generally speaking. Screens have brought good and bad into modern life. I always try to have my phone put away when I'm talking to someone, unless we're looking up directions or hours of a store or something that applies to what we're doing IRL. 

[Bluegoat]

I don't know about the people being too on thing.  Too busy, I guess, but wouldn't that mean they want to talk to grown-ups, at least for some?  Participation in public things, like clubs, is way down over what it used to be, adults don't seem to have nearly as much of a social life.  My grandparents, looking back, look like total extroverts and joiners, though they weren't especially, but they both were out at adult social events several times per week, and that seems to have been very common in that generation.

Edited June 20, 2016 by Bluegoat

[Murphy101]

I don't know about the people being too on thing. Too busy, I guess, but wouldn't that mean they want to talk to grown-ups, at least for some? Participation in public things, like clubs, is way down over what it used to be, adults don't seem to have nearly as much of a social life. My grandparents, looking back, look like total extroverts and joiners, though they weren't especially, but they both were out at adult social events several times per week, and that seems to have been very common in that generation.

That's just it though. They are "on" but it often isn't social engagements of their own choosing. It's work or their kids stuff.

 

For example, one reason I refuse to do scouts is because of the very heavy commitment I see from parents in it. God bless them if that is what they want to do, but *I* have absolutely zero interest in camping or derby for example. I'll happily cheer my kid on if they are interested in it, but I expect them to do at least 90% of it on their own.

 

So when I am at one of my kids functions, I cheer them on and knit or do whatever on my device. I doubt I could tell you anything about the other parents there. I am not at that social function for ME.

 

Now you sit me down at my once a month knitters meeting and I can't hardly shut up. But my dh might be off in the corner on his phone as he waits to pick me up and go home.

 

I wouldn't presume that if a person isn't engaging that they are not engaging for at least some things. They probably are. I guess I could be insulted that they aren't at the same one I am, but that seems like fruitless use of my energy.

 

Now I will say I have gone to some other knit groups or whatever function for myself or the kids and gotten a distinct vibe that their "club" was not looking for new members. They all knew each other and were chatting together, but no one made an effort to include the newcomer. After a few minutes of being excluded from conversation and not getting all the inside jokes, or just not being introduced the newcomer decides to check their phone or wander off to look at yarn. They might come back one or two more times to see if the ice breaks, but many don't bother and I can't say I blame them. Some are more outgoing and will insert themselves more forcefully or diplomaticly, but most don't.

 

In the OP scenario, I have been married to my dh for 22 years and at functions with his family, I doubt I exchange more than a dozen words with any of them. Everyone is polite enough. But I can only hold up to so much small talk with people I rarely see or speak to other than the 2-3 holiday social requirements. And even that is getting to be less and less obligatory. So I tend to sit somewhere and read a book, or knit, or mess with my phone while taking care of my youngest one at the time. My husband's family has their little club and it doesn't include me and likely never will. It's just the way they are. *shrug*

[SparklyUnicorn]

That's just it though. They are "on" but it often isn't social engagements of their own choosing. It's work or their kids stuff.

 

For example, one reason I refuse to do scouts is because of the very heavy commitment I see from parents in it. God bless them if that is what they want to do, but *I* have absolutely zero interest in camping or derby for example. I'll happily cheer my kid on if they are interested in it, but I expect them to do at least 90% of it on their own.

 

 

I feel exactly the same way.  I don't see the point of an activity for my kid if I have to do all the work.  BTDT. 

[Ausmumof3]

Kind of ironic, since I'm posting this from an iPad. :P

 

In another thread, a poster (i think it was Janeaway) remarked that so many people are always looking at their phones nowadays. Yes, this is true, especially people younger than maybe 40 or 35.

 

I was just thinking about this yesterday. We are currently in a vacation location; my nephew's family was here. To give credit where due, nephew did not have a phone/device out; he was doing all activities without a phone. But his wife had her phone continually out. Photos, video, shares, likes. None of this is bad by itself, of course, and clearly, I do these things sometimes, too. (Now, for example. ;)) It just was noticeable because I was talking to mama, and mama was talking to me, but I seldom saw her actual face. Her face was in her phone. Even while she was feeding her baby, her opposite hand was scrolling, liking, posting or whatever she was doing.

 

I don't know - I have some mixed feelings about this because I am not anti-screens. I share things, I "like" things. I use FB and post videos and photos. I come here, obviously, and "talk" to my cyber-friends. But when is it too much? When has it crossed into ANTI-social networking?

 

Do you attempt to pull people off their devices? (I'm not talking about your kids; I mean other adults.) Do you ever say, "Hey, mama. Why don't you put down your phone and look at the face of your nursing baby?" Or is that just an old fogie reaction?

Fwiw just on the nursing baby thing

 

My mil described gazing lovingly into her babies eyes while nursing. For a while I wondered how I was deficient because I always wanted to read a book or something. Then I realised one day that nursing for her was a scheduled times event a few times a day that stopped at nine months. I have spent a good portion of my life nursing babies over the past nine years and there's no way I could have breastfed for as long or as frequently as I did without something to keep my mind busy while I did it. Before smart phone I read books. After smartphone I could do so much even my grocery shopping on it.

 

The playing on your phone while interacting with other adults does feel a bit rude. But I guess you could take it as a sign that she feels very comfortable and at home with you.

[poppy]

I feel exactly the same way. I don't see the point of an activity for my kid if I have to do all the work. BTDT.

Family oriented activities are considered a good thing by a lot of people! Especially ones who don't have a SAHP or who don't homeschool.....but if the parents are doing all the work instead of teaching , they're definitely missing the point .

 

By the way my experience is that Boy Scouts is very family oriented but Girl Scours typically is peers not families .

Edited June 20, 2016 by poppy

[SparklyUnicorn]

Family oriented activities are considered a good thing by a lot of people! Especially ones who don't have a SAHP or who don't homeschool.....but if the parents are doing all the work instead of teaching , they're definitely missing the point .

 

By the way my experience is that Boy Scouts is very family oriented but Girl Scours typically is peers not families .

 

No these were activities I had to work MUCH harder at than my kids.  I don't see how that is family oriented.  That's mom oriented.  Overworked mom....and compared with lots of other moms I'm not overworked. 

 

So, no thanks.  I don't do that anymore. 

 

I'm not willing to join boy scouts either way. 

[Entropymama]

Maybe veering into another realm here, but I find that when I'm depressed I'm on my phone more. It's a way to distract myself from what's going on in my head. I had been doing it for a long time before I made the connection. I'm not saying that's the case with this woman, but who knows? 

[Murphy101]

Family oriented activities are considered a good thing by a lot of people! Especially ones who don't have a SAHP or who don't homeschool.....but if the parents are doing all the work instead of teaching , they're definitely missing the point .

 

By the way my experience is that Boy Scouts is very family oriented but Girl Scours typically is peers not families .

I love family activities. We do lots of family stuff. But when I sign my KID up for something, I expect it to be for my KID. When something, for an example, says it is a derby race for kids, I expect the kids to actually put more effort in making their car than the parents. And so forth.

[poppy]

I have no experience with Boy Scouts. Not defending it. I was glad I had the option to have my Girl Scout troop be a parent free zone! Just funny to see homeschool parents say they sign their kids up for things to not have to he involved with them . (Funny in a 'you don't see that everyday' - not meant scornfully).