Something else that stinks about starting a career at 40

[Moxie]

Ignore if you aren't interested in more of my little mid-life crisis.

 

Just to give some history--in a year I'll have no kids at home. I'm currently a professional volunteer which is great and I'd be happy to do it if we were swimming in cash. We ain't!!

 

This whole thing is really bruising my ego. Up until now, my circle was mostly homeschoolers. All us moms were equals. Since I've expanded my circle and started paying attention, I'm working with a woman who is the CFO at a very large factory, one who is the strategic planner for the school district, lawyers, doctors, etc. I look at the jobs I'm qualified for and think "damn, it would suck to sit in this meeting and tell everyone I'm a bank teller". I imagine they will think I'm not very bright and maybe I'm not since it never occurred to me to develop any kind of professional skills outside of wet nursing. Ugh.

[happi duck]

(hugs)

 

I know the feeling.

[Tap]

I feel the same way.  I was thinking about starting a girls night out.  The top 10 friends that I think would be interested and who I wanted to invite, all have Masters to Doctorate Degrees and are very successful in various fields from engineering to MD.  I'm a pharmacy technician.  I do a job that any 18yo with a 6mth training program can do. I'm experienced at my job after 20 years, but quite honestly, aside from knowing some tricks a new person wouldn't  I am only average at my job (Fast, accurate typing is 90% of my tasks, and I only type about 35wpm). So, it isn't even like I can say Im really great at my average job. 

 

:0( 

 

I can't seem to start the group.  I know I would go home and feel horrible about myself. 

[Starr]

I think often we are harder on ourselves than others are/would be on us. 

[Carol in Cal.]

These are friends of yours, right?  So they must not look down on you.  You wouldn't look down on them if your roles were reversed.  So stop looking down on yourself!

[Guest]

These are friends of yours, right? So they must not look down on you. You wouldn't look down on them if your roles were reversed. So stop looking down on yourself!

Not really friends. People I volunteer with mostly.

[Guest]

These are friends of yours, right? So they must not look down on you. You wouldn't look down on them if your roles were reversed. So stop looking down on yourself!

Honestly, I wouldn't look down on them but I would probably wonder why they didn't do more, kwim?

[Ausmumof3]

I try not to assume people think in a certain way about me unless they actually say it. Most women understand the whole career family dilemma to some extent.

[AK_Mom4]

I wish someone would invite me to a Girls Night Out.

 

I have a graduate degree and work as a professional. If you told me you were a pharmacy tech, my reponse would be That Sounds Really Interesting and I would mean it because you are doing a job where you are also helping people. I wish I could do that in my job.

 

I'm not brave and could never organize one myself, but I would admire you very much if you did.......

[bettyandbob]

Hey, I have 3 degrees. After time off and some part-time efforts I've given up on reentering one field I was previously in and do want to go back to another. So at 50 I beginning a career path that requires no degrees. The thing is I like what I'm doing and that is worth a lot. I think as people get older many people put a value on liking the career.

Another thing to keep in mind is the population where you live. Where I live, having multiple degrees is very common. So, many jobs that don't require degrees are filled with persons who have degrees.

 

Anyway I'm starting to get less disappointed in my status career wise as I've started to see a direction I can go to build on in the years I have left working. I think when asked about work I project a confidence in what I do and a satisfaction. So, people listen. Years ago I used to say " I'm just a..." my whole demeanor was low. I think the response I got from others wasn't so much about the job but a reaction to how I presented myself.

[4arrows]

I think often we are harder on ourselves than others are/would be on us. 

Truer words were never spoken!

[marbel]

Honestly, I wouldn't look down on them but I would probably wonder why they didn't do more, kwim?

 

Is this a JAWM thread or meant to be lighthearted?   'Cause this right here could use some unpacking.  :-) 

 

[PrincessMommy]

I get it too. 

[Jenny in Florida]

I can relate. Through some kind of quirk, the employment and social circles in which I find myself tend to be populated by people with significantly more in the way of formal educational credentials than I hold. Next to my co-workers' multiple master's degrees (Yes, I know several people who have hold two master's degrees each.), my paltry, 30-year-old B.A. feels really insignificant. 

 

And I've been feeling so good about my recent bump in salary and "professionalism" with my new part-time job . . . only to hear while hanging out with a friend a couple of days ago that she was, out of the blue, offered a new job at twice my hourly rate.

 

This same friend is going back to school for he second master's this year, while I'm trying to dig out enough to make it possible for me to begin working on a certificate program at the community college.

 

I know. I know that comparing my life isn't conducive to contentment. I'm proud of my kids and grateful that I had the chance to be really present to parent and educate them in the way that worked for them.  I don't regret or resent the years I put my own career on hold in order to homeschool,. I know that I wouldn't actually trade lives if I could. I get that. 

 

But I'm having one of those weeks when I have to remind myself of those facts regularly and forcefully.

[Mama Geek]

I have a degree and more than 10 years experience in my field.  I haven't worked for 7 years.  I have always been happy to make friends with people I click with and that include people from various walks of life.  While I was working one of the people I really liked and respected barely got out of high school and was raising 4 kids with her dh.  The dh worked in his family's business.  We came from totally different walks of life and really enjoyed each other.  We did share lots of the same values.

[laughing lioness]

I went back to work a few years ago due to a major health crisis with dh, who is self employed (read: no work=no money). I have 2 grad degrees and have done tons of volunteer work but am over 50 and hadn't "worked" for 18 years. I started out at the local gas station- it was close to home so I could leave my kids with no worries (we live way off the beaten path so leaving them stranded for hours on end was not a good option). It was humbling. But it got me motivated to really ramp up my resume (volunteering = expanded skills) and get a "better job"  - one I liked, that used my skills/ degrees and paid a salary. 

[madteaparty]

Is it at all comforting that this happens at all levels? I'm an attorney and see the result of similarly educated people making different choices..

Eta that everyone has their insecurities no matter the station in life. The title gives some shield but not really. We are just so work-focused here :(

Edited June 19, 2016 by madteaparty

[Acadie]

I was talking to my aunt about this, and she said she's seen so many woman make a major shift in their lives somewhere in their 40s to 50s. If caregiving was the emphasis before the shift, work/career/life purpose often become more the focus. If career was the focus before, then caregiving/personal life/creativity become more the focus.

 

I love seeing how women in our age group go through such gorgeous metamorphoses. There are painful and awkward periods (and it's hard to start from the ground in a job when you've learned and accomplished so much in your four decades on this planet!). But when I'm dismayed or overwhelmed at where I am, it inspires me so much to see the courage, strength and desire for growth in other women at midlife. 

 

Amy

[Crimson Wife]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Nobody sits around on their death bed regretting that they didn't achieve a fancier job title. But there are LOTS of Type A careerists who regret that they didn't spend more time with their families. Be grateful that you got to be there for your kids when they were little even if that means you're "just" a bank teller or pharmacy tech or whatever as an empty nester.

 

I will be applying to grad school in the fall not because I want to prove that I'm as smart as my friends and relatives who got grad degrees in their 20's while I was raising babies. I'm doing it because I saw a real need in my community and as a Christian, I feel a moral obligation to use the talents God gave me to help out.

[Daria]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Nobody sits around on their death bed regretting that they didn't achieve a fancier job title. But there are LOTS of Type A careerists who regret that they didn't spend more time with their families. Be grateful that you got to be there for your kids when they were little even if that means you're "just" a bank teller or pharmacy tech or whatever as an empty nester.

 

I will be applying to grad school in the fall not because I want to prove that I'm as smart as my friends and relatives who got grad degrees in their 20's while I was raising babies. I'm doing it because I saw a real need in my community and as a Christian, I feel a moral obligation to use the talents God gave me to help out.

Ouch, as someone who has worked the whole of my son's childhood, I know that some of the things I will remember proudly on my deathbed (assuming I'm not hit by a bus or something else fast) are my work accomplishments, because everyone of them is a child I helped, or a system I established or changed that helped many children. I also know that among my regrets will be the kids, both individuals and categories of kids, who I didn't help, in some cases because I didn't have a leadership position that allowed me to make systemic changes.

 

I absolutely think that the choice to stay home is an excellent one. Had my circumstances been different I might have made that choice. I would never judge a woman who reentered the paid workforce late and found her choices impacted. But I don't think that judging people who made a differen choice is any better.

[Liz CA]

Honestly, I wouldn't look down on them but I would probably wonder why they didn't do more, kwim?

 

So here is my little speech to mothers: Life is to be viewed in phases. Some of us had the good fortune and foresight to finish a high caliber education before getting married or at least before having children.

Others had children and then return to an area they are passionate about. I happen to belong in the second group. I had my basic college stuff done but returned to university for advanced degrees just after my ds moved out.

 

You have raised / are raising five children and have obviously retained some sense of humor as evidenced by your posts. This is in and of itself an achievement. You could not "have done more." Life is not over once the kiddos are all in college or out of the house. You can reenter universities or other institutions to deepen knowledge or acquire new skills.

 

Just the mere fact that one possesses a graduate degree does not necessarily make one smarter, more resourceful, kinder, more empathetic or more fun to be with!

[Liz CA]

Ouch, as someone who has worked the whole of my son's childhood, I know that some of the things I will remember proudly on my deathbed (assuming I'm not hit by a bus or something else fast) are my work accomplishments, because everyone of them is a child I helped, or a system I established or changed that helped many children. I also know that among my regrets will be the kids, both individuals and categories of kids, who I didn't help, in some cases because I didn't have a leadership position that allowed me to make systemic changes.

 

I absolutely think that the choice to stay home is an excellent one. Had my circumstances been different I might have made that choice. I would never judge a woman who reentered the paid workforce late and found her choices impacted. But I don't think that judging people who made a differen choice is any better.

 

I think Crimson Wife was  saying "nobody regrets no having gotten another degree", not that you may not remember all the good things you have done in your work life.

It does not sound to me as if it is an indictment of those who chose or had to work while their children were young.

[Lawyer&Mom]

I think professional women of a certain age are pretty good at discerning who is smart and interesting and who isn't. I'm a lawyer. I know *a lot* of lawyers. A law degree doesn't impress me. A law degree does not mean I want to hang out with you. On the the other hand there are women with associates degrees who work at my daughters' daycare that I would absolutely love to get drinks with. The women you volunteer with, the CFO, the lawyers, the doctors? They would love to be friends with a smart, interesting bank teller.

[Ottakee]

Ask them, invite them.

 

One of my closest friends is a Family Nurse Practioner with her PhD....so you could call her Dr. A....even though she isn't a full medical doctor. I have a degree in special education but hadn't worked in 20 years until this winter when I went back to substitute teaching. She makes almost as much an hour as I do a day

 

She is still one of the most down to earth people around. She loves to sit and chat with other moms no matter what degrees or jobs they do or do not hold.

[NorthwestMom]

Gently - Moxie, this is all in YOUR head. You are projecting negativity onto people who have not voiced any such opinion. Stop sabotaging yourself.

[foxbridgeacademy]

Ignore if you aren't interested in more of my little mid-life crisis.

 

Just to give some history--in a year I'll have no kids at home. I'm currently a professional volunteer which is great and I'd be happy to do it if we were swimming in cash. We ain't!!

 

This whole thing is really bruising my ego. Up until now, my circle was mostly homeschoolers. All us moms were equals. Since I've expanded my circle and started paying attention, I'm working with a woman who is the CFO at a very large factory, one who is the strategic planner for the school district, lawyers, doctors, etc. I look at the jobs I'm qualified for and think "damn, it would suck to sit in this meeting and tell everyone I'm a bank teller". I imagine they will think I'm not very bright and maybe I'm not since it never occurred to me to develop any kind of professional skills outside of wet nursing. Ugh.

See I'd look at them all and compare their level of time commitment and stress and think, "thank goodness I'm only a bank teller. I've put in my 35 hours, still get to spend time with my grown kids and husband, actually finished the book I started and my garden looks spectacular.  Plus best of all I'm not inhaling TUMS because I so worried about my job."

[Crimson Wife]

Ouch, as someone who has worked the whole of my son's childhood, I know that some of the things I will remember proudly on my deathbed (assuming I'm not hit by a bus or something else fast) are my work accomplishments, because everyone of them is a child I helped, or a system I established or changed that helped many children. I also know that among my regrets will be the kids, both individuals and categories of kids, who I didn't help, in some cases because I didn't have a leadership position that allowed me to make systemic changes.

 

Most people's paid positions are not in "helping" professions. The one I quit before having my 2nd child wasn't. My DH's isn't. The typical worker is just expending effort to make money for his/her employer, not to make this world a better place.

[Crimson Wife]

So here is my little speech to mothers: Life is to be viewed in phases. Some of us had the good fortune and foresight to finish a high caliber education before getting married or at least before having children.

 

Well, I would say that some of us used our foresight to know that a woman's fertility starts to decline at age 27 and that what society has deemed the "correct" sequence is not actually the one that is best for women who hope to have multiple children. Infertility (primary and secondary) runs in my family on both sides and I wasn't going to give up my dream of having multiple children just because society thinks that women should spend their most fertile years in graduate school and establishing a high-powered career.

 

I'm pushing 40 now and so many of my college friends who "used foresight" to put off having a family are going through the heartbreak of infertility and multiple miscarriages. A not insignificant number of them will wind up with fewer children than they originally hoped for because they did what society told them was "right".

[Jenny in Florida]

I think Crimson Wife was saying "nobody regrets no having gotten another degree . . "

I suspect I will regret not having pursued more formal education. I regret it now, at 50, even with and alongside all of the good memories and the sense of satisfaction associated with my choice to be a SAH-homeschooling mom.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I was talking to my aunt about this, and she said she's seen so many woman make a major shift in their lives somewhere in their 40s to 50s. If caregiving was the emphasis before the shift, work/career/life purpose often become more the focus. If career was the focus before, then caregiving/personal life/creativity become more the focus.

 

 

Interesting. I read once that people who worked with their hands (blue collar jobs) often start to become more interested in knowledge jobs/hobbies, while white collar workers often experience a desire to work with their hands.

 

I wonder if there is something in people that needs all of the above to feel whole (career, caregiving, knowledge, hands-on) and that whichever have been put on the back burner in early adulthood become a higher priority in mid-life.

[Shelly in IL]

I have a degree. After college I followed my husband around (USMC), which allowed for me to have a very unimpressive resume'. My longest employment was selling real estate, which I did for two years before we moved again and I was pregnant. I took 20 years off - wasn't stellar on paper before that, and lacked serious confidence (despite having homeschooled my two boys very successfully to the point my eldest received not one, but two full ride scholarships to the same big 10 college (one academic, one hand picked for leadership through ROTC and youngest is doing amazingly well too at 16).

 

I turn 50 in September, and I just took a 15 hour per week job at a chiropractor. I replaced a high school girl and make less per hour than my two kids. But, I love it. It has changed my life. I now talk to people all work day and hustle my butt off. It is a very unimpressive job, but it has turned my confidence around. I don't know if I'll stay at this job for years or if it'll give me confidence to move higher. But, I am happy again (felt kinda depressed for the last couple years) and I'm smiley and back to my old self. (Except for the damn 40 pounds I should lose!)

Edited June 20, 2016 by Shelly in IL

[RootAnn]

I have an engineering degree, a (current) professional license to practice said engineering, but have stayed home with my kids for the last 13 years (after working ~ 7 yrs in the field). When I retire from this homeschooling gig, if I go back to work, I think I'd like to try being a bank teller. I like counting other people's money, math, and think I'd like to deal with the public during the day. Plus, I bet the gossip is great.  :lurk5:

 

That said, I play a really good ditsy brunette, so most people are shocked that I'm an engineer. If I cared what people thought of me, I'd never have started (or kept) homeschooling.  :driving:

[Arcadia]

I am considering self employment as I am too bossy to work for someone. I'm not into Mom's Night Out but I don't know and couldn't care less about the academic and career info of my neighborhood Mom's Night Out coordinators. Ours was hosted at Red Robins and I don't fancy the food there so double incentive not to go. I would have gone to the one hosted at Peet's except hubby was working late (seasonal) and It wasn't worth paying a babysitter just to go.

 

When I retire from this homeschooling gig, if I go back to work, I think I'd like to try being a bank teller. I like counting other people's money, math, and think I'd like to deal with the public during the day. Plus, I bet the gossip is great. :lurk5:

 

That said, I play a really good ditsy brunette, so most people are shocked that I'm an engineer

The juicy gossip is in the bank's backroom :) Too juicy to yak in front of customers.

Acting dumb is easy and hilariously entertaining at times. People guessed the wrong engineering even when they know I have a BEng. :lol:

[Liz CA]

I suspect I will regret not having pursued more formal education. I regret it now, at 50, even with and alongside all of the good memories and the sense of satisfaction associated with my choice to be a SAH-homeschooling mom.

 

Can you start again? I am your age and I am continuing purely so I can serve my clients better. It's never too late.

[Laura Corin]

I do think that one's own attitude makes a difference.  I work in a university and almost everyone I meet has a PhD. 

 

I've done a lot of things that they haven't however.  I don't think that the seven years that I spent home educating my children is 'less' than the four years they spent pursuing their doctorates.  Whilst I observe the social niceties about hierarchies in the workplace, on a social level I don't feel in any way inferior to those around me.  I appreciate their achievements, but I don't devalue my own.  I'm not 'just' a secretary.  I'm on my third career, starting as an administrator in my 50s.  Those three careers (the middle one being raising and home educating children) aren't nothing.

[Jenny in Florida]

Can you start again? I am your age and I am continuing purely so I can serve my clients better. It's never too late.

No, I really can't, for a whole host of reasons I've discussed in other threads and won't bore people with (again) here. For me, due entirely to my own life choices, it is too late.

 

It's not a tragedy. I will be fine. As I said, I'm proud of my kids and whatever part I played in helping them become them. I have a part-time job I like and that has some room for growth that should allowe to build a reasonably worthwhile "encore career" in the 15 or so years between now and retirement.

 

But I do, in my heart of hearts, wish I had done more to develop and support that part of myself.

[tm919]

I think professional women of a certain age are pretty good at discerning who is smart and interesting and who isn't. I'm a lawyer. I know *a lot* of lawyers. A law degree doesn't impress me. A law degree does not mean I want to hang out with you. On the the other hand there are women with associates degrees who work at my daughters' daycare that I would absolutely love to get drinks with. The women you volunteer with, the CFO, the lawyers, the doctors? They would love to be friends with a smart, interesting bank teller.

So true.My friends who are lawyers seldom seem to pick other lawyers for friends... although I think part of it is schedule. Their schedules aren't conducive to getting together with other people with similarly busy schedules, so they tend to form friendships with people who have less highly-powered jobs (like me!). Strangely, the doctors I know do seem to be friends with other doctors... maybe the schedule is different.

 

I have a PhD myself and I have a load of insecurities... mostly that once I had kids I didn't "use" my degree the way I thought I would. I used to say I should have just gotten a PhD in diaper changing.

 

[DawnM]

I actually DO regret staying home for the last 11 years.  There, I said it.  I haven't worked in 11 years and am now trying to get back into working and am having a dickens of a time getting anyone to even interview me.  This is strange because in the past I would get interviews immediately.  The only difference for me is the long gap in work history and my age.  It stinks.

 

I really wish I had found a way to at least continue part time while HSing OR that I hadn't taken quite this much time off.

 

But I don't look down on those without degrees or those who have taken different life paths.  The only time it bothers me is when people say they wish they had finished and they still CAN and don't.  

[Prairie~Phlox]

I'm thankful that I've actually been able to work part time for quite some time, at least last 10 years, so I've got things on my resume to help in a few years when I get a full-time job. I really think all stay at home mom's should find something that they can then contribute to their resume, whether it's volunteering or just working part time, it's easier to do as your children get older.

[ktgrok]

I don' t think she meant there wouldn't be regrets, but that on your deathbed, at the very end, it wouldn't be what you were thinking about. 

 

But I've had a lifetime of under utilizing my skills, per many, so maybe I'm just used to it. Genius level IQ, but never finished my BA and loved working in small veterinary offices where I was one of the few with even a AS. Never once felt looked down upon by the veterinarians I worked with. Was friends with some of them, and one just drove 3 hours to attend my 40th birthday party. Friendship has nothing to do with degrees. 

 

And degrees have nothing to do with intelligence, or really even education given the number of free courses online,and the availability of libraries. 

[Jenny in Florida]

I don' t think she meant there wouldn't be regrets, but that on your deathbed, at the very end, it wouldn't be what you were thinking about. 

 

But I've had a lifetime of under utilizing my skills, per many, so maybe I'm just used to it. Genius level IQ, but never finished my BA and loved working in small veterinary offices where I was one of the few with even a AS. Never once felt looked down upon by the veterinarians I worked with. Was friends with some of them, and one just drove 3 hours to attend my 40th birthday party. Friendship has nothing to do with degrees. 

 

And degrees have nothing to do with intelligence, or really even education given the number of free courses online,and the availability of libraries. 

 

My feelings are totally not about how others see me. They are personal regrets about things I did not do for myself.

 

I've taken a bunch of those online courses. Heck, I WORK in a library.

 

For me, it's not the same.

Edited June 20, 2016 by Jenny in Florida

[bettyandbob]

I actually DO regret staying home for the last 11 years. There, I said it. I haven't worked in 11 years and am now trying to get back into working and am having a dickens of a time getting anyone to even interview me. This is strange because in the past I would get interviews immediately. The only difference for me is the long gap in work history and my age. It stinks.

 

I really wish I had found a way to at least continue part time while HSing OR that I hadn't taken quite this much time off.

 

But I don't look down on those without degrees or those who have taken different life paths. The only time it bothers me is when people say they wish they had finished and they still CAN and don't.

Yeah I have regrets about not working and not keeping a solid professional network. I don't regret all I put into my dc. Just regret not continuing professionally part time. There really will be no financial recovery. I have jobs now. I'm building a new career. Getting a foot in the door for interviews is very difficult.

 

I've told my dc the long term financial consequences are a very important consideration should they ever come consider a long break.

 

I will likely work until I die. I may not have time to be a doting grandma. I will do everything I can to keep myself and my ds who has lifelong disabilities from needing help from our other dc.

 

That is not say homeschooling wasn't good. For my oldest it was essential. I think there's a way to balance work and

homeschooling and wish I'd done it.

[Jenny in Florida]

I don' t think she meant there wouldn't be regrets, but that on your deathbed, at the very end, it wouldn't be what you were thinking about. 

 

We'll have to see where life takes me between now and then.

 

If I were to die today, though, it would definitely be on my mind. It wouldn't be the top of the list, but it would be there.

[ktgrok]

We'll have to see where life takes me between now and then.

 

If I were to die today, though, it would definitely be on my mind. It wouldn't be the top of the list, but it would be there.

 

Can I ask why? Not trying to badger you, just trying to understand. What difference would a degree make, at that point? Or is about something else. 

 

I tend to dislike school, so I'm not in the same place and really trying to understand, while knowing my experience/feelings probably aren't typical. 

[Jenny in Florida]

Can I ask why? Not trying to badger you, just trying to understand. What difference would a degree make, at that point? Or is about something else. 

 

I tend to dislike school, so I'm not in the same place and really trying to understand, while knowing my experience/feelings probably aren't typical. 

 

I'm a natural academic. I like school. I get a sense of accomplishment out of doing well and being "validated" by the grades and the piece of paper. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but such things are meaningful to me.

 

I feel like I didn't give it my best shot my first time around, for a variety of reasons. I got the degree, but don't feel I got the education I could have. I would love to get a chance to try again.

 

There's more, but that's the gist.