How to prepare kids for separation?

[ExcitedMama]

We have never left our kids before except for maybe an hour at a time. It's a combination of just enjoying being together and not having anyone nearby that we trust them with. Unfortunately DH is having surgery soon so there is no choice in needing to leave them. The hospital is far so right now the plan is to drop them off while DH and I drive up for his pre-op appointment the day before and stay in a hotel and I'll stay there the next night after I get kicked out of his ICU room since I won't be allowed to stay overnight. Hopefully he will then be admitted to a regular room which I can only stay in if he's lucky enough to get a private room so I'll probably drive back and forth to see the kids and stay overnight with them. How far in advance would you tell the kids? They don't know anything about DH needing surgery and I'm not sure when to tell them that part. Has anyone left their kids when they were older for the first time? I know it's probably more usual to leave them for the first time as babies or toddlers so maybe it's never a big deal to them.

 

DD is very attached to me. Last night I was sick and throwing up and DH tried and tried to put her to bed but she just kept crying for me. She loves her Daddy but she insists I put her to bed every night. I was in the hospital overnight a few months ago and she cried for me for hours. She has no problem doing things with DH all day without me but she will not let him put her to bed. I think being away from me will not go over well. On the positive side they visited me in the hospital so I'm hoping they won't be too worried about DH being at the hospital. His job can sometimes lead to erratic hours when he gets called out so they are used to him being gone for some days at a time so I'm hoping that will help with him being away because I don't think he would be up to having them visit. I'm less worried about DS because he's far more easy going and I think will enjoy being spoiled for a few days plus he can read and write so he can have fun texting me. I'll of course call and try to FaceTime them.

 

I bought some kid books on hospital stays and being away but I'm not sure when to give them to the kids. Any advice about how far in advance to tell them? Any experience with this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[ktgrok]

If it helps, I think it is easier on the kids to have a different routine at someone else house, where things are new and exciting. My kids are your kids ages and just stayed overnight for the first time at Grandmas house a few months ago. I was worried sick, but it went fine. My littlest never missed me at all. So good luck, and I bet it goes fine. Maybe send new jammies/new pillowcase/sleeping bag or something? Something fun to sleep with, even a new stuffed animal? Maybe go to build a bear and make one, with your voice in it?

[Rachel]

I think it depends on the ages and personalities of your kids. If they typically deal well with new situations well, you can tell them whenever. My oldest is 8, he can't have too much time to think about new things or he will worry too much, but if we spring it on him at the last minute, he get frustrated too.

 

If it were him, I would tell him 4-5 days in advance. That would give me enough time to prepare him but not too much time to fret. I would give him a few details: "dad needs to have surgery, he is going to be ok, but he needs all my attention, so you are going to stay with grandma for a couple days. What kinds of things do you hope to do while you are there?" Then a day or two ahead of time I might suggest a special toy or treat to take along. I would let my kids ask questions and answer at their level. Good luck!

[Forget-Me-Not]

If it helps, I've often found my kids do better if I'm gone completely than if I'm there but unavailable to them, if that makes sense.

 

If it were my kids, I'd wait until the last day or two to tell them, because I have a couple that would stress and carry on during the anticipation of the event. So you have to weigh that out yourself, but I wouldn't give them too much notice to build up a big amount of anxiety over it.

 

Good luck! I hope your husband's surgery goes well!

[mamiof5]

I'm a "tell them the last minute" gal. Mine would worry sick about us being gone, surgery etc, so I'd probably tell them the morning of. But, it also depends on kids' personality, ages etc.

I'd make them a "fun" basket, which includes the books you got, but also some coloring books, stickers etc (just fun, no hospital related stuff).

For my dd (and ds if needed) I'd find a special blanket, stuffed animal or something related...which, is magical and has special mommy powers. It holds indefinite amount of hugs, kisses, cuddles for them, because mom's powers are infinite, and her love and kisses are always with you even if she's not there (I have told my kids something sort of like that).

I have also made them "memory games" with a heart punch out. Each heart (and match) has different phrases: 1000 kisses from mom, mom loves you, 100 hugs from mommy etc etc... whatever you can come up with.

I'm barely ever gone, but as you can tell, my kids don't like it when mom is gone. They don't like it when dad's gone either, but they handle it better.

Many prayers for you, dh and all of you in this process! Hope surgery goes extremely well and things go back to normal soon!

ETA: I'm a crier and easily get teary eyed. If you also cry, whatever you do, don't cry in front of them when you are dropping them off. It's better to make it short and sweet, but don't let them see you cry when you are leaving... it'll just make it harder for all :(

Edited June 7, 2016 by mamiof5

[Ewe Mama]

I wrote a simple story about where we were going and what special things the children were going to be doing while we were gone. Included in the story were reminders of love, hugs, kisses, and all the fun we would have hearing about the fun things the kids all did while we were gone. I inserted special family photos onto the pages along with photos of the caregiver having fun with the kids as a reminder of how special their time was going to be with the caregiver. The story was specifically for the child who had separation issues and he was allowed to carry it around and have ownership of it.

 

I had to do this for date nights when the kids stayed with a family friend whom they adored but didn't see terribly often. The story became part of the date night ritual and was read several times throughout the evening, as needed to prevent tears and fears.

[Xahm]

I can't say this is what is right, but what I'd do with my kids is tell them about 3 days before. I'd remind them about when I was in the hospital (since they know you came back and it was all okay in the end) and say that this time it's dad's turn for the doctors to help him. My focus with them would be what do you think we should pack? What fun games do you want to play with Grandma? If they start talking about how much they will miss you and dad, I'd be matter of fact. "Yes, that will be tough, but you can make us cards. Do you think we should pack some glittery stickers to put on the cards? What else do we need?" Not to minimize their feelings but to put the focus on what they can do.

I'd also make sure that whoever is caring for them knows not to talk on the phone or with visitors about how dad is doing while assuming the kids aren't listening. Mine sure would be, and it would upset them greatly to overhear something they hadn't been told directly!

[J-rap]

Kids can pick up a lot in our own tone, so when you do tell them, I'd try and do it in a way that makes it sound like fun!  Don't sound worried or make it seem like a big deal.  Concentrate on the fun things they'll get to do, and then plan a few things in advance and start talking about it with them.  So, it might mean going to the store and picking up a cheap craft kit that you know they'll love, but tell them they won't be able to do it until they're at Grandma's (or wherever they're going).  (And be sure to tell Grandma or whoever about it!)

 

One thing I did when I was going to be gone awhile is I prepared a paper lunch-size bag for each day I'd be gone.  I'd label each bag with the day they could open them.  Each one had little cheap dollar store items, fun little snacks, etc.  My youngest dd -- who I was most worried about -- was very excited about them each day.

 

I'd tell them 5 days or so in advance, and also maybe arrange that they can sleep together in the same room.  As someone else said, when we were actually completely gone, they really did okay, especially when they had another sibling.   

 

Good luck with the surgery and everything!

[Mergath]

My dd had her first sleepover when she was six, and I tried not to make a big deal out of it. I think if I had spent days beforehand preparing her, she would have thought, "Holy crap, this must be really bad if Mommy has been trying to make me feel better about it for a week now."

 

My dd is very attached too- we'd coslept up to that point and everything- and she had a blast. Didn't miss me at all. ;) 

 

I would try not to overdo it before you're gone. Just mention it a few times, telling them how lucky they are to get a special sleepover and how much fun they'll have.

 

It's probably going to be much harder on you than it will be on them. ;) 

[MercyA]

Thank goodness--I thought this thread was going to be about marital separation! You've already received lots of good ideas. I'm sure all will be fine, and I hope your husband's surgery goes well. 

[Katy]

Would that episode of Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood where the babysitter puts Daniel to bed make her feel better?  There's a little sing-song "Grown ups come back."  It always makes a little one I know feel better to sing that song when he's worried.

[Ausmumof3]

My kids do better when they think they are the ones going out doing something fun. If they were can be taken out somewhere away from the normal routine and distracted it seems best.