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How to choose a roommate for ds? Is 28yo roommate too old for our 18yo?


Suzanne in ABQ
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18yods will be going far away to college next fall.  He'll be attending a school that doesn't have dorms, but is surrounded by apartment complexes where the students live.  Due to cost, he will need a roommate to share expenses.  The school provides a list of people looking for roommates, along with some basic information.  The students must contact each other and interview each other to determine whether they want to room together.  They both must pass background and credit checks, and they both appear on the lease.  We, as parents, will also be on the lease, either as guarantors or co-tenants, depending on the property managers.

 

Today, ds received a call from someone who is interested in rooming with him.  They hit it off right away, and had a friendly conversation, sharing their interests and backgrounds.  They really clicked, but they didn't delve into the nitty-gritty details (like, "Where will you get money for rent?" and other important questions).  They both left it open to talk more in the near future.

 

So, my concern is that this guy is 28 years old.  He has been on his own for awhile, already has a bachelors degree, and is going back to school for another degree.  He would like to live close to campus because he won't have a car unless he uses his student loan to buy a car.  He works at Best Buy, but I don't know if he'll be continuing to work while he's in school.  That's all I know about him so far.  

 

I could see that the right type of older guy could be a good mentor for my son, but I'm nervous because the wrong guy could cause a lot of damage, exploiting him, or leading him into situations he's not ready to handle.  How can I figure out what kind of guy this is?  Should we just say no, and tell ds he needs to find someone closer to his age (18)?  I know the apartment complexes will do all the credit and background checks on the guy before leasing to him, but is that enough?  Can I ask him to show his bank balance or something to show he has his finances in order?  Should we do our own background check?  How do you even do that?  

 

Any advice about a course of action to determine whether this guy would be a good room mate would be awesome,

Thanks,

Suzanne

 

 

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I wouldn't automatically say no. If the guy has no red flags besides being a decade older and he holds a job, gets along with your son, etc, I'd be willing to give it a six month test period.

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I would think older might be better - might be calmer & more mature & less into partying. It might be a good 'older brother' type situation. I don't know how to find out what you want to know... I'd probably want to know about his parents & talk to his mother LOL.  I know someone who rented a room out to a student and the guy put down his mother as a reference - which at first we thought was weird but then she said wth and called the mom & had a nice long chat. You can get a sense of what kind of people you're dealing with once you've talked to them & their mother, kwim? 

Can you creep him on facebook? 

 

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I would be really upset if the *parents* person I was going to live with did anything. I understand your concern, but your child is going to college. If you want him to have a decent roommate, you should tread lightly. Being that involved would be a red flag to me to stay away if I was a settled, competant person. I flat out would not be okay with that level of over stepping from a third party.

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I would be really upset if the *parents* person I was going to live with did anything. I understand your concern, but your child is going to college. If you want him to have a decent roommate, you should tread lightly. Being that involved would be a red flag to me to stay away if I was a settled, competant person. I flat out would not be okay with that level of over stepping from a third party.

:iagree: At this point I'd let my kid decide, after all they're the one who is going to have to live with the guy.  I would probably make a strong case that DC should meet the potential room mate in person for coffee or lunch before agreeing to anything, otherwise I'd stay out of it.... even if I'm the one paying.

Edited by foxbridgeacademy
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Honestly, over a 28 year old on a second degree or an 18 year old away from home for the first time I'd be much less likely to think a 28 year old will be leading anyone into poor situations...

 

Dh was a student at 28 when I met him and he was quite sensible enough for serious 20 year old me. I don't think I would have liked him much at 18 or 20!

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You are looking for a roommate not a mentor. The potential roommate is probably not seeking to be a mentor. He wants someone ways rent on time and doesn't interfere with his ability to meet school requirements.

 

This person is 28 and supporting himself. That sounds "this is a serious endeavor and not in this experience freedom or do other stuff to screw this up."

 

Self supporting 28 year old doesn't sound like the descriptor of someone who will skip a lot of classes and seek the most parties.

 

You can't know for sure but I wouldn't hold his age against him.

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No way would I let my 18 year old new college student have a 28 year old man as his roommate.

 

Their life experiences are WORLDS apart. There's something to be said for embarking on a new stage of life with others who are similarly situated in terms of life experience.

 

At 28, he can legally drink and he could easily have a girlfriend(s) who he wants to spend the night. The power dynamic resulting from a 10 year age difference is such that it may be very hard for your ds to say something if he feels uncomfortable.

 

Having btdt with college kids, even when a dc of mine has had a crappy roommate, the playing field was level. They were 18, first time on their own, and they had to figure out how to compromise. I would think it would be much more difficult to achieve a comfortable balance with that age and life experience difference.

 

Btw, I also completely disagree that you shouldn't get involved. As the paying parent, who is still responsible for her kid, YOU are the best person to guide this decision.

 

 

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My son had horrible roommates his freshman year, same age as him.  They did everything a mother would not want a roommate to do.  I found out after the fact though.  Luckily my son wasn't easily led astray but it did make for a depressing year that forced my son to go out and find friends because he definitely didn't want to hang out in his room.  It made things much harder for him.  If he had had a different kind of character it might have sunk his academic experience.  

 

So I am in the camp that thinks a more mature 28 year old who has worked for a living and will be on a budget sounds more stable.  Doesn't sound like he'll have the funds to do a lot of partying/dating anyway!  Even so, 18 yo's can bring a girl back to spend the night (or a guy for that matter) and they drink and do drugs in spite of the fact that that is illegal.  Roommates are the luck of the draw anyway.  I say try it out and if it doesn't work your son can look for another roommate.

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I would do a little FB creeping. There are ways to background check someone (I think one is called iVerify), but I'm inclined to agree with the others that a kid going off to college is walking into adulthood and can't have so much parental inference going forward. A college roomate could be a great or terrible influence no matter their age.

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No way would I let my 18 year old new college student have a 28 year old man as his roommate.

 

Their life experiences are WORLDS apart. There's something to be said for embarking on a new stage of life with others who are similarly situated in terms of life experience.

 

At 28, he can legally drink and he could easily have a girlfriend(s) who he wants to spend the night. The power dynamic resulting from a 10 year age difference is such that it may be very hard for your ds to say something if he feels uncomfortable.

 

Having btdt with college kids, even when a dc of mine has had a crappy roommate, the playing field was level. They were 18, first time on their own, and they had to figure out how to compromise. I would think it would be much more difficult to achieve a comfortable balance with that age and life experience difference.

 

Btw, I also completely disagree that you shouldn't get involved. As the paying parent, who is still responsible for her kid, YOU are the best person to guide this decision.

 

I would also be concerned about the power dynamic.

 

As far as whether or not to get involved in such matters, one of the things I ponder is whether or not the fallout from the young adult's decision is likely to land in my bank account. 

 

 

Edited by Penguin
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I don't see a problem.

When DD was 15, all her best friends were college seniors.

 

I fail to see how 28 y/o is worse than another 18 y/o. I do not understand pp's argument that that guy can legally drink and may have a girlfriend - another 18 y/o may drink illegally and have a gf over as well.

 

And a young man who has shown that he is capable of earning a bachelor's degree and who is motivated to go back to school for another degree sounds focused and goal oriented. Better than a kid who is only in college because his parents make him.

 

 

Edited by regentrude
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It's worse because of the power dynamic.

 

If an 18 year old is uncomfortable with something a 28 year old is doing (it can be anything---even not picking up after himself), it can be extremely difficult to address. How likely is a 28 year old to accept confrontation, correction, compromise from an 18 year old? How likely is an 18 year old to engage in those areas with someone 10 years older? I think it's unlikely, even for a very mature 18 year old.

 

There's just too much of a difference at too critical a time in life development.

 

Also, if something becomes a problem, a really BIG problem, a roommate of the same age is likely going to have parents who he is accountable to, or at the very least are responsible for him. A 28 year old? Not so much.

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I don't see how a 28 year old would be any more likely to lead someone astray than someone the same age.  Wouldn't that be more of a character matter?  I would think that a 28 year old might be less likely to be in school for the purpose of partying. 

 

Agreed. A grad student sounds like a much safer bet as far as drinking, partying, etc. Much.

 

Also, as for finances, are there separate leases for each student, or one lease they both are on?

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I don't see a problem.

When DD was 15, all her best friends were college seniors.

 

I fail to see how 28 y/o is worse than another 18 y/o. I do not understand pp's argument that that guy can legally drink and may have a girlfriend - another 18 y/o may drink illegally and have a gf over as well.

 

And a young man who has shown that he is capable of earning a bachelor's degree and who is motivated to go back to school for another degree sounds focused and goal oriented. Better than a kid who is only in college because his parents make him.

 

 

A 15 year old girl who is best friends with college seniors (say, 21 years old), is completely different. In that case, they were friends already. This boy is walking into a situation with a complete stranger to *live with* for a whole school year. Yes, another 18 or 19 year old would also be a complete stranger, but the balance of power is equivalent.

 

After guiding young adult dc through roommate situations for years, no way would I be okay with this.

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on the other hand, if your 18 year old does want to have lots of people over, and is a typical freshman he may drive the 28 year old crazy.

 

The power dynamic could be an issue, depends on if your 18 yr old would be intimidated by an older roommate. 

 

 

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Honestly, two of my own kids had very bad experiences with roommates who were the same age.  I myself had a bad experience where I switched roommates (because my 18 yo roommate stopped talking to me.  Weird, weird situation).  I have a friend whose dd had a terrible roommate who was a control, manipulative freak, very unkind.  She had to live through the horror and then get a new roommate for her sophomore year.  Roommates the same age can be terrible so  I don't know if  'balance of power' is all that better if a kid is the same age.  In fact, it might be more hurtful because you are hoping that roommate will be a friend.  I think it really depends on the personalities of the persons involved. Other 18 yo's can be terribly manipulative, unstable, rude, mean, etc.  I have a 29 year old living here with me who is going to college.  Lovely house guest, helpful, good study habits, etc.  Someone going back to school to try to get a livelihood (and not just in college because it is the next thing to do and their first time away from mama) sounds to me like just as likely to be a better roommate than not.  

Edited by Faithr
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Doubt the 28 year old wants to hang out with an 18 year old. If it is anything like my son's roommate situations in off-campus apartments, the dudes will each do their own thing and not be chummy.  I think an older grad student would be a great roommate over another wide-eyed 18-year-old away from home for the first time.

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Ok, by room mate you mean housemate, yeah? They're not actually sharing a room, are they?

 

This all seems pretty normal to me. I've shared houses with people of all ages. As long as everyone pays their share of the bills and doesn't steal your food, the rest is pretty much ignorable.

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I'd encourage my son to meet up in person before committing. My freshman year dorm mate and I got along swimmingly on the phone but were horrible together as roommates. I got along really well with our suitemates thankfully. I'm actually still close to them and haven't seen my freshman roommate since that year. I think if they meet and get along in person and talk over some questions you find important that I'd be ok with it.

Edited by UCF612
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The real question is whether a 28 yr old really wants to share with an 18 yr old.

 

We have 20-something tenants in one of our rental houses.  In desperation (when they needed another roommate) they took on a 19 yr old.  It's been a disaster.  She does nothing around the house and mostly whines about how everyone is making her life hard.  They need to be taking care of her constantly -- she has no clue how to deal with finances (except to blame everyone else for doing things like cashing the checks she writes).

 

This is not to say that all 18-19 yr olds are like this, but if I were 28 and looking for a housemate, this would certainly cross my mind.  Some kids just away from home are not the most responsible roommates.  As a group, they do tend to drink a lot more, and a lot less responsibly.  So if the 28 yr old is making the decision based on average behavior in this age group, he may well turn down your son before you have a chance to turn him down.

 

 

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I was the older student with younger housemates a few times. Off campus house, mix of grad and undergrad students. I had male and female housemates. (Housemates that mostly became very good friends, but only platonic, in case spelling that out is necessary.)

 

I wish I'd known about the power dynamic so I could've exercised some mad power skilz and convinced them that leaving dirty dishes in the communal sink for days was uncool. Instead, I viewed them as equals. Or the time the 19 yr old showed up with three kittens, without getting a consensus. And then used our only toilet to litter train - ewwwww!

 

What does your son think? I'd follow his gut...

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Males are creepier don't you know?

 

:001_rolleyes:

 

of course. Of all people, my grandmother had a problem with the situation: because I was married (DH lived 1,000 miles away in another state) and my room mate was a guy. She could not wrap her mind around the concept of room mates - I don't blame her, it was not something she ever encountered - and always called it "living with another man". Nope, not the same thing, LOL.

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Hmm. My gut reaction is "too big of an age gap." Not that he will necessarily be into partying, but there's just a huge age gap that to me implies the worlds apart thing as a pp said. I found it hard to live with a sibling of mine and I don't know if that was because of our eight year gap, but that probably didn't help lol.

 

My sister needed a roommate in college and my parents made no qualms about telling her no to a male roommate (we knew him, he was closer to my age than hers and they had a completely platonic relationship). So you wouldn't be the first to say no to your college student about their living arrangements.

 

I think I'd be curious if there are girls coming in/out of the apt. a lot or steady girlfriend spending a lot of time there. That would be something I'd consider no matter the age, though. They'd need to make boundaries or expectations known early on.

 

You said they got a list. Is there anyone on the list your ds wants to contact? Maybe he should start doing some contacting of his own and weigh his options. If it turns out this guy is the best option he might not sound so bad.

 

ETA: oh yeah it's not uncommon to work retail WITH a degree. I worked at Best Buy ironically while I had my degree. At the time that is all I could get.

Edited by heartlikealion
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It's a really tough one. In some ways I see how it could be good (he's past the wild partying age-hopefully, he is more serious,responsible etc etc)...on the other hand, there's the age difference, experience, being two totally worlds apart etc. BUT, we just don't know. These are all hypotheticals. He could be serious and mature, but he could not. He could be an older guy who likes to drink and bring his girlfriend over, but maybe he's not. Many, many other scenarios come to mind...good and bad.

I am a firm believer of checking out his social media. I probably wouldn't do it myself, but encourage my ds that we do it together? I know social media doesn't truly show who he is...but, if all he shows on there is negative I'd definitely take those as red flags. I'd encourage son to check fb, Instagram, Twitter... anything he possibly can (and really, really hint that you'd like to be included in the process...just for your peace of mind?)

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. These are all hypotheticals. He could be serious and mature, but he could not. He could be an older guy who likes to drink and bring his girlfriend over, but maybe he's not. Many, many other scenarios come to mind...good and bad.

 

But what about this has to do with his age?

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Dd 19 currently has 3 housemates all close to 30. It is working out swimmingly. They talked about the typical areas for conflict before agreeing to the situation. Things like general level of tidiness and cleanliness, overnight guests, food policy, expectations for quiet time, and in their case LGBT friendly atmosphere. Is it perfect? No, of course not. But it seems to be healthy for everyone.

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I understand your concern, plus they are probably at quite different stages in their life.  We'd probably do a little searching on social media too.  Maybe they could get together for coffee or a burger or something somewhere, too, before making a final decision?

 

It would be a different kind of experience, even if everything was good.  The older one is maybe just looking to make it through college and is maybe more focused and serious, and not looking for "the college experience."  So, he may be even a little boring for your ds!  

 

On the other hand, if the college doesn't have dorms at all, then maybe that isn't so unusual.  And if they have separate bedrooms, then I don't even think of them as typical roommates.   My dd went to a college with no dorms (in another country), and ended up sharing a house with a married couple and two men about 10 years older than her.  (She had her own room and bathroom.)  It was a fine arrangement.  They were all trustworthy and looked out for each other.

 

Also, as far as a 28 year old being more likely to drink or have a girlfriend sleep over;  well, I'm quite sure an 18 year old would be just as likely to do that.

 

I think most of my kids would not have minded a housemate who was 10 years older and responsible and quiet, at all.  One of my children though would have missed having peers her own age and going through exactly the same things/stages that she was going through.  So, maybe it mostly depends on your ds.

 

Bottom line, if your son doesn't mind and if you both feel that this guy seems like a trustworthy and responsible housemate, then I think it's fine.  My own ds is 28 and I think he'd be a great roommate for someone.   :)   He would not want someone who was into partying and playing loud music and staying up all hours making noises.   If he found someone 10 years younger who was responsible and serious about his studies and not into partying, he'd be good with that.

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The only problem I see is thinking he will "mentor" the younger guy.

 

I mean maybe, but that strikes me as an incredible reach of an expectation.

 

19 years olds ime are no more likely to "accept confrontation" from other 18 year olds than anyone else.

 

Either the 28 year ld is a normal person, or he is not. Same as any other room mate.

 

As a point of interest, my roomie when I was 17 was 18....and moved in her 49 (not a typo) year old mate and bought a bunch of stinky pets. Things can go south at any age :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

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But what about this has to do with his age?

Oh, I don't know for sure, have no idea who the guy is. It was men in another post, how he could be older have a more steady relationship etc etc...was mentioned as an example in age gap differences. It could be or it could not. Who knows?
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My first real apartment (not dorm), I was 21 and my roommate was about 10 years older than me. It worked out fine, in fact I never really thought about the age gap. A lot of people aren't fully launched until their early 30s or later now, so you can really be in the same stage of life with someone who is chronologically much older.

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My first real apartment (not dorm), I was 21 and my roommate was about 10 years older than me. It worked out fine, in fact I never really thought about the age gap. A lot of people aren't fully launched until their early 30s or later now, so you can really be in the same stage of life with someone who is chronologically much older. I do think there are some things that will make it easier, like discussing how cleaning will work, are they doing the 1 shelf of the refrigerator per person, how do they feel about overnight guests, etc. 

 

The only thing I might say if that a 28 year old is less likely to have a parent to fall back on if he can't make his half of the rent than an 18 year old, although it's not a sure bet either way. 

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I would think older might be better - might be calmer & more mature & less into partying. It might be a good 'older brother' type situation. I don't know how to find out what you want to know... I'd probably want to know about his parents & talk to his mother LOL.  I know someone who rented a room out to a student and the guy put down his mother as a reference - which at first we thought was weird but then she said wth and called the mom & had a nice long chat. You can get a sense of what kind of people you're dealing with once you've talked to them & their mother, kwim? 

 

Can you creep him on facebook? 

 

 

 

Yep...I'd be doing a CIA level investigation on this dude.  Maybe he is creeping on young guys.  Who knows? 

 

Can you tell I am not a very trusting person?  But then I was a landlord for decades. 

 

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Thank you, all, for your thoughts.  Just like mine, they're all over the place!  :)

 

I did easily find the young man on Facebook (he has an unusual name).  He seems like a really nice guy, much more nerdy than thug-like.  His first degree was a BA in business, and he is going for a BA in film.  He is a home theater consultant at Best Buy.  His photos on FB are mostly of him with his family or hanging with little kids in Haiti (he's Haitian, but born and raised in Florida).

 

The problem with meeting the guy ahead of time is that we live in New Mexico, and he is in Florida (as is the college).  Skype is the only way they'll be able to meet in advance.

 

My son hates drugs and alcohol, and I don't see that changing.  He has had girlfriends in the past, but doesn't plan to have one while he's in school because it will be a very intense program, and he wants to be able to focus.  He doesn't like loud music because he treats his ears like precious instruments and doesn't want to damage them.  So that's something they'll need to talk about.

 

By "mentor", I was mainly thinking of someone who will show him what it means to be responsible (paying bills, etc), not take him under his wing in a professional or personal manner.  I am most concerned about the power difference, as assertiveness isn't ds's strong suit. 

 

The apartment will have two bedrooms, and hopefully separate bathrooms.  There are one bedroom apartments, but they cost almost as much as two-bedrooms, and are out of our budget.  There are places that offer separate leases, but it almost doubles the rent (i.e. a single lease for a 2-bdrm might be $1400/mo, while double leases for the same apartment are $1200 each!)  We will be paying the rent, so I have no problem interviewing this guy to determine if he has the resources to pay his share.

 

Most of the kids on the roommate list are 17-19 years old.  They are unanimously into video games, D&D games, and anime, or movies and Disney.  My son has little to no interest in any of these things.  He has shown no interest in seeking any of them as a roommate.  He is into audio production, and EDM, and break dancing.  He is a DJ and a composer.  He also enjoys video production and photoshop.  Also, (because we homeschooled so long, and he went to a media arts high school) he has way more experience in all these things than most kids his age.  He will be going for a BS in audio production or recording arts.  

 

The young man in question is very interested in rooming with my son.  He called yesterday and talked to ds, then called him again today (but ds wasn't home).  Ds stood out from the other students because his interests are so different from theirs, and the two of them really connected in their first conversation.  Within about 10 seconds, they were talking like old friends.

 

The school gave us an extensive list of questions to ask each other to make sure they're on the same page.  They encourage the students to have many conversations and not rush into anything.  They also encourage the parents to talk to each other (though I don't know how relevant that would be in this situation).  They encourage Skype conversations if in-person interviews aren't possible.  They say over and over that finding someone able to pay the rent and live in harmony is way more important than sharing interests.  I don't know where this guy is getting his funding.  

 

I think I've talked myself into at least getting more information and getting to know the guy.  My husband is way more hesitant, mainly because of the difference in life experiences.  I'm going to have him read all your responses and experiences.  Hearing from those of you who have roomed with people much older or younger than you was especially enlightening.  

 

I appreciate all your thoughts.  Thanks.

 

 

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I think I've figured out where he's going to school! I had friends in college who went there while I was at the larger university nearby. Anyhow, he still sounds ok to me and I'd encourage the Skype conversation.

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My ds had a 28yo roommate when he was 19. My ds is a slob, so having the roommate have the age advantage and insist that most of the house be clean was probably very good for ds. Also, the 28yo was hardly ever home. He worked full time and went to school so ds had a quiet place to study. Also, he had lots of "stuff" that ds could use, like all kinds of kitchen stuff, good furniture and a nice stereo.

 

Eventually ds found it lonely and he moved in with a lot of other people for cheaper rent, but was unable to study as well.

 

I suggest stalking this 28yo on social media to see what he's really like.

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College roommates are a crapshoot. Really. I've had a couple horrible, AWFUL? ones and another who became my life long friend.

 

You really just don't know people until you live with them. All the vetting in the world doesn't tell you everything.

 

I say go for it, good luck! If it's awful at least it's only a year :)

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Suzanne, reading your update made me smile. Your DS sounds like my adult DS! And my DH. We are an audio family. :) It's a great field. We did not expect DS to head in the same direction, but his degree just sort of evolved that way.

 

One other random thing stood out for me: one of the benefits we've seen in homeschooling is that our kids relate well to people of all ages, not just their age-mates. So, really, this might work out.

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I think the odds of a 28 year old being an idiot are MUCH lower than an 18-25-year-old being an idiot. Aren't 18-25 year old males the most dangerous creatures on the planet? It seems unfair to ask him anything you wouldn't ask a younger roommate. The fact that he can support himself through college is a big plus.

 

However, in all fairness to him, if the crazy must come out I'd do it right away. Don't lull him into a false sense that his roommate is an adult if you know you'll involve yourself in every domestic conflict that comes up. No adult should have to deal with his housemate's mother.

 

I was self supporting at 18 and a non-traditional college student, so that colors my perspective. The excitement of my personal freedom had worn off by then and I treated college more like a job than an "experience." That's a very common attitude among older students, even at a "party school." I really thing the older guy is assuming more risk, but it's probably really difficult to find an unmarried roommate his own age.

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