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mommybee

Divorcing Officially JAWM

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I need friends to commiserate with me.

 

My ex got tired of waiting to divorce and filed on me. I have a lawyer so that's good. We were on good terms and now he is just killing me.

 

I am probably going to have to sell my house and live in an apartment and I'm so sad and upset. I just can't afford to keep it. And this was the first year ever my son was going to public school for 8th grade (which everyone here really was a great help on advising me about public school). What if I can't find a place in my neighborhood? It so sad for him.

 

I just need some good stories. I have people in my life telling me to just get over it....to just deal with it.....to move on....but I am hurting and it does suck and no one will allow me to be sad.

 

I just started a full time job and am in the middle of training and then add this and I'm kind of losing it.

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*hugs* Will he be in 8th or 9th next year?

 

The good thing is -- most places, being in a high school (especially) or even a middle school, you have a much wider area you can live and still go to the same school.  That will give you more choices.  Elementary schools tend to pull from a very small area -- as small as two neighborhoods. (or parts of two neighborhoods).  While high schools -- sometimes there is only one in the entire city.  Our City has 22 elementary schools and is building their 4th high school.

 

 

Edited by vonfirmath
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:grouphug:

 

You have the right to your emotions. It is natural for you to grieve the end of this part of your life and expected.

I'm sorry that some of your friends/family aren't being very supportive during this time.

 

 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

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:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Yes, you have every right to be sad and move through all the emotions you are feeling.  Take that time.  This is HARD.  As for a place to live, if you are moving into an apartment surely there is something in the same school district?  At least around here it is usually easier to find an apartment than a house for rent in a particular school district.  Your area may be very different, however.  Either way, I am so sorry you will have to sell your home.  

 

 

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Oh, you have every right to be sad and angry and frustrated! 

 

Divorce was the hardest thing I've EVER done. And it was my decision, I filed. And it was still awful. 

 

But my life really did get way better, I promise. And my sister, who was recently divorced by her husband, out of the blue, went through an awful time but is also much happier now, happier than she's been in 10 years probably. 

 

So there is hope for the future, but right now is going to suck. The first holidays will suck. But it will get better. 

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:grouphug:   Yes, go ahead and be as sad - and whatever else you're feeling - as you want.  I tend to think that avoiding the emotions only prolongs the agony (for me, anyway).  It's the whole grieving process that must be lived.

 

Fwiw, we had to sell our house and move into a motel/apartment.  I was so sad and upset about that.  But once I calmed down a little, I discovered that I truly enjoyed not having all the maintenance that comes with home ownership.  Maybe you'll find the same ... 

 

Take your time and find a peaceful and wonderful place to live - apartment, rental, cabin, whatever.  A place to create your own memories.

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I'm so sorry.  I'd be sad, too.  Your friends are being stupid and unsupportive.  That's on them, not on you.  Come here and complain any time  you want.  Share your joys, too.  You'll have them, I promise.

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:grouphug:

 

You JUST found out! You haven't had a chance to process and grieve yet.

 

Good luck selling and finding a new place.

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Well, I think you deserve a pat on the back for having an attorney, having a job, and having your son in ps already, so his transition will be less. Actually, multiple pats on the back.

 

Can you speak with a social worker in the school district? Some schools in our district have support groups for kids of divorced parents, and they can be a big help. Also, some local organizations may have support groups. In my area, JCC (Jewish Community Centers) are helpful, but in other area, it may be a Y or a church group that welcomes people of all beliefs/persuasions. I find its a big help to be in a group with people going through the same things you are.

 

Some people find that moving to a smaller place helps them focus on what they do, rather than what hey have. Perhaps in your new career, you will meet more people -- married, single, divorced, with or without children -- than you did in your previous life, and a smaller place will feel more typical and normal. But changes aren't easy, I know.

 

I am sorry that people are telling you to get over it!. Are they completely clueless about stages of grief and so on?

 

Good luck!

Edited by Alessandra
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I'm sorry you are going through this! Very glad you have an attorney. I wish you the best in this sad and stressful process. Many prayers for you and your son!

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:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

It's been 3 years and almost 3 months since I separated. I'm 3/5th of the way done with my B.A., ds just got back from a study abroad in Japan (a place he's been wanting to go since he was a young teen), and my house is peaceful. It took me about a year and a half to get out of the fog and really start to figure out who this divorced me was going to be. Trite visual: but my world shattered and I got to control which pieces I picked up. 

 

But in between then and now there were some pretty awful days. I literally shook for about 3 months - like I had the chills. I had to rely on my parents financially because of some lies ex told. It sucked for a while, but I'm not sorry. I'm the one that started the divorce proceedings. I found out I was stronger than I thought, not as messed up as I thought, and that I had been walking on eggshells for a long time. 

 

It takes time to process and there is not just one day where you wake up and it's all okay. I am sorry, I do hope you have someone IRL that will just listen to it all, that helps. 

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That's a lot of transitions in a relatively short time. Of course you're hurting. Let it hurt as much as you need to, be as sad as you are, because it does suck. It sucks rotten eggs.

 

And for pete's sake, don't listen to the folks who are being unsupportive. What is wrong with those people??? Taking the time you need to grieve is the healthiest and wisest thing you can do, because who wants to carry this crap into a new life?  If you were my dear friend, I'd be there with a bottle of wine and a shoulder, and I'd hold your hand and cry with you. 'Cause that's what you do when someone is hurting.

 

Sending you virtual wine and a box of tissues and a hug.

 

 

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Many hugs to you. It must be very stressful with so much going on. I hope you are able to gain peace.

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Is he already registered in school? How long can you postpone sale? I mean if you move after he's already enrolled you wouldn't have to change schools (but the commute might be longer).

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:grouphug:

 

I mean if you move after he's already enrolled you wouldn't have to change schools (but the commute might be longer).

We have to change schools here to the new assigned school in the same district even if it is middle of a term. Many local schools have waiting lists and kids overflow to another nearby school though. If it is an unpopular school which has many leaving for public charter schools, then the child gets to stay.

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Are you able to remain in the house now only because you two haven't officially divorced? And his having filed official paperwork is going to upset whatever arrangement (financial or otherwise) that's currently in place? 

 

If so, maybe he did you a favor in a roundabout way. Where I live, courts prioritize the STATUS QUO of the children - not officially, but in practice. And if he's the one making changes to it (by filing), he's the one who gets to figure out how to maintain the status quo (keeping the home until you are ready to sell it.)  I hope that's the case where you live, too.

 

Has he met someone new? Does your state recognize legal separation? Maybe some compromise can be found, for the benefit of your son's situation.

 

In my case, we were waiting until the new year to file, for his tax purposes. I had no need to wait, I was doing him the favor.  But in the months we waited, he entered a private contract to sell our family home (without telling me). He didn't realize the title company wanted my signature, too, since I wasn't on the deed (but they did because we were still legally married in a community property state). His plan to walk away free and clear, and to leave me stranded backfired HUGELY. His choices were to honor the sale and maintain my status quo by paying me 50% of the sale price (which he was paying off the mortgage with, it's not like he had a few hundred thousand to give me) ... OR ... to break the sale contract, be sued by the buyer (who could also be entitled to a % of the agreed upon sale price, according to DH's attorney) and then still owe me my half of the sale price.

 

I consented to the sale of the house on condition of child support through age 23 or 6 months after they leave college - whichever is latest). I was going to get my 50% of the house sale in some shape or form, and this was win-win for both me and for DH (for him, in that he could defer what he legally owed me and save time/money/face with the buyer). It was two months of rage, frustration, and a hatred I've never known before or since. But then the sun started shining through the clouds. Once I was out of the thick of the situation, I could forgive him and we're back on friendly terms. Because karma, God, and the universe are good!

 

It's hard to grieve the loss of a marriage, a family, a dream. Add to that the loss of a plan you worked hard to get into place to help your son transition and the loss of your home ... and it's no wonder you feel the way you do.  I hope your friends are unsupportive only because they don't know what you're going through, and that you make good use of your 'friends' here to support you through all of these painful, frustrating changes.

 

:grouphug:

 

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It seems like this is all there is right now, or it did to me... SO overwhelming. SO hard. So personally enthralling...

 

Grieve it -- grieve the loss of the hopes and ideas you thought were your future. Grieve the marriage that was such a part of your life. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be miserable. For a while.... but don't let it consume you. Don't let yourself descend into darkness. Find support and hope -- it's out there. There IS light at the end of the tunnel. But it's okay to be in the tunnel while you are in it.

 

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I am very sorry for your pain. No one has the right to say how you should feel or when you should feel it.

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Has the lawyer advised you to sell the house?  I would talk to her about it.

 

Frankly, you didn't ask for this divorce and your kids deserve to keep their lives as intact as possible. Having their dad ask for a divorce, changing school situations..to then ask them to move is a pretty big ask.  I am NOT saying it's not possible. Kids do it all the time and are just fine. BUT, it seems to me that your ex has some obligation to his kids here. And keeping them in their own home can be seen as part of that.

 

I understand that you might be in a situation where you already know what is what and know what you will be getting. But, as the injured spouse, you might be able to push on a few things.  I mean... you could always refuse to give him the divorce unless he meets your demands,  or at least makes life easier for the kids, right? 

 

I know you might not have the emotional space to even think of such a thing, so feel free to ignore me.  And you don't have to justify your choices or decisions to anyone, especially not to me. Whatever you do is the right thing.

 

And congratulations on starting that part time job! That is impressive and you should be proud

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Divorce question aside, as re: your kid:  My son went to school school at 8.5 grade.  He wishes he had gone at 8.  Given the turmoil you will be in for the next little while, it is probably a good thing that he doesn't have to be there for that, 24/7.  

 

And I didn't read all the other threads.  I'm sorry you are going through this.  I'm glad you have a lawyer--the Law isn't that great, when you come right down to it, and it's not for amateurs.  Alas.

 

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So sorry to hear of your pain and loss.

Have you talked to an accountant or finicial planner? 

 

In the meantime, just look around and see if there are apartments in the school you want your son to attend. Is there a better school that moving to an apartment in that district would help? 

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You have been smart and proactive so far. Just keep swimming.

 

It does get better. You must trust me on this.

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Thanks everyone! I just so need the encouragement.

 

Yes he is already enrolled. I'm not sure what to do yet about the house.....the lawyer says wait a bit.

 

We have been separated for 3 years so I knew we would be here soon but he has cut all communication and keeps telling me to go through his lawyer. It's painful and feels like he hates me. I don't know how to share my 12 yr old with him when he won't speak to me. He just keeps using legal verbal in his emails.

 

I'm just lost and mad at myself cause we should have gotten this over with a long time ago. I just feel very alone.

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:grouphug:  :grouphug:     I'm so sorry you are going through this. Don't be mad at yourself. I'm sure you have been doing the very best you can for your son, and that is all you can do. Take care of yourself and your kids as much as you can, and just face one day at a time. I think it is absolutely normal to feel sad at times like this, even if it is something that you think is for the best. I have been, still am, in a somewhat similar situation and it has been the most difficult time I have ever faced. I hope you have at least one good friend who can be there for you and support you where you are, and not where they think you should be. Gentle hugs to you.  :grouphug:

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Thanks everyone! I just so need the encouragement.

 

Yes he is already enrolled. I'm not sure what to do yet about the house.....the lawyer says wait a bit.

 

We have been separated for 3 years so I knew we would be here soon but he has cut all communication and keeps telling me to go through his lawyer. It's painful and feels like he hates me. I don't know how to share my 12 yr old with him when he won't speak to me. He just keeps using legal verbal in his emails.

 

I'm just lost and mad at myself cause we should have gotten this over with a long time ago. I just feel very alone.

A lot of states require some kind of parenting class as part of a divorce. Perhaps your dh can learn some basic communication skills. Ok, that was intentionally snarky, but I thought you might need that, lol. It sounds as though you have better communication skills and a better sense of what is important for your son.

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Thanks everyone! I just so need the encouragement.

 

Yes he is already enrolled. I'm not sure what to do yet about the house.....the lawyer says wait a bit.

 

We have been separated for 3 years so I knew we would be here soon but he has cut all communication and keeps telling me to go through his lawyer. It's painful and feels like he hates me. I don't know how to share my 12 yr old with him when he won't speak to me. He just keeps using legal verbal in his emails.

 

I'm just lost and mad at myself cause we should have gotten this over with a long time ago. I just feel very alone.

 

Listen to your lawyer! Don't do anything or agree to anything without consulting your lawyer. And keep any email or phone messages your ex sends you. AND DON'T go to his lawyer about anything, as his lawyer will ONLY look out for his client's interests. Your lawyer should do the contacting of the other lawyer. It may cost more this way in the short run but not in the long run.

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Thanks everyone! I just so need the encouragement.

 

Yes he is already enrolled. I'm not sure what to do yet about the house.....the lawyer says wait a bit.

 

We have been separated for 3 years so I knew we would be here soon but he has cut all communication and keeps telling me to go through his lawyer. It's painful and feels like he hates me. I don't know how to share my 12 yr old with him when he won't speak to me. He just keeps using legal verbal in his emails.

 

I'm just lost and mad at myself cause we should have gotten this over with a long time ago. I just feel very alone.

 

I've always been a secure and strong person, and I was very confident going into my divorce. But trying to tread water during the thick of it was the most challenging thing I've ever done.  It turned me into someone who constantly questioned myself, who started to fear, and who became as emotionally wiggly and jiggly as a bowlful of jelly. Or my belly, since I ate my stress. And there was a lot of it going around, as you know.

 

Three years ago you had more and even younger kids still at home, and not that your two older ones won't be affected still ... but they won't be affected to the extent your youngest is now that the paperwork has been filed. Only time will tell if delaying the process was a good, poor, or neutral decision - that can't be determined right now, so be kind to yourself until it is all said and done.

 

Forgive yourself for what you didn't know then, and for what you are learning on the go. :grouphug:

 

I'm sorry you feel so alone. If there was ever a time for women to rally together to support each other, it's a time like this. Unfortunately, some women - consciously or not - feel divorce might be contagious. Or maybe they just don't know what to say or how to be supportive. And so while losing a marriage you also feel like you're losing friendships. It sucks. I wish I had advice for that. I ended up throwing myself into really awful reality television. I've heard exercise is a better option LOL. I hope you find an outlet to guide you through all this crap.

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The hard of being a single mom was a much, much better hard than the hard of being married to the kids' dad.

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 I don't know how to share my 12 yr old with him when he won't speak to me. He just keeps using legal verbal in his emails.

 

You learn not to expect an answer.

 

You drop the child off when you are supposed to, you pick him up when you are supposed to, you inform his father of anything you are obliged to inform him of and remember that he is an independent person who is allowed to ignore anyone he wishes to ignore. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

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The hard of being a single mom was a much, much better hard than the hard of being married to the kids' dad.

My brother found this to be true of his ex wife as well. She was so messed up, and parenting without her was actually much easier than trying to parent with her or make the marriage work.

 

OP, you simply can't control your ex. He's a jerk, plain and simple. All you can do is be there for your son, and look for ways to carve out a new normal for yourselves. It may very well turn out to be a better normal than the one you had with his father. I think that if you can let go of any expectations of your ex, and only interact with him as required by law, you will save yourself a lot of extra pain and stress. Once my brother was finally able to do that, his situation improved a lot.

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I meant legal verbage not verbal....stupid autocorrect on my phone.

 

I am so grateful for all the kind words. I'll get back to the thread tonight and respond more but with this new job I don't have much time to be online.

 

Some tips on surviving with very little money? Really that scares me more than amy thing else.

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Dry beans are a wonderful source of protein and cheap. You can do a whole bunch at once and then eat on them all week. I serve them over rice with salsa, or chilled on top of salads and baked potatoes. For tacos as well, and in spaghetti sauce with a small amount of ground beef to make the meat go farther.

 

A hearty vegetable stew with only a little chicken or beef for flavoring is cheap especially if you use frozen veggies and again use kdney or pintk beans to make it dense and served with an apple or a baked potato makes an excellent soup.

 

Run fans and not air conditioning as much as possible this summer, keeps the lights off, make it a habit to turn lights off when leaving a room. When it gets too hot during the day, go hang out at the library for the free air conditioning and cool off. A wading pool in the shade may seem silly, but it is cheap and sitting in it while reading a book makes you feel like you have had a mini vacation.

 

Use envelopes and cash to budget so you do not inadvertently overspend in an area. If you do jot have dental insurance, you can go to a dental school for heavily discounted cleanings and fillings. Keep paper products to a minimum. It is cheaper to clean up with rags and wash them out, hang outside to dry than it is to buy paper towels, and you can make your own disinfectant wash with peroxide and white vinegar.

 

Brown rice, beans, and potatoes are healthy things that fill up growing boys. Round out with oatmeal and granola with milk for breakfasts, salds with boiled eggs and beans at luncb, apples and grapes or other fruit when it is on sale for mid afternoon snacks, and popcorn before bed, and you should be able to keep your grocery bill down without sacrificing nutrition.

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I find that keeping a record of expenditures is helpful, knowing, not guessing, where $$ are going.

 

Cable tv, if you have it, is easy to cut, as there are many other ways of watching things.

 

Also, make a big effort to have an emergency fund, so that, say, an unexpected car repair does not throw you into a tailspin. Not having funds when you *really* them is awful.

 

Commercial cleaning products can be expensive. Faith mentioned something in above post, but I'm sure others will have good ideas. Vinegar, ammonia, and bleach are cheap. (But NEVER mix ammonia and bleach!)

 

I happen to like t shirts from AC Moore or Michaels. They come in bright colors, wear well, and are often on sale for a few dollars each.

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Divorce is hard. It hurts. And it can put one in a financial tailspin.

 

You have been separated for three years, so assuming this is beyond repair, it is probably best to make some breaks. If you can't afford the house, you have to reconcile to that. Many couples have to budget carefully to cover expenses. When they separate and have to pay for an apartment or home for one of them, it's not feasible without increasing income.

 

It's awesome you have a job now and it sounds like you are working hard to figure all of this out. No one gets to tell you how long you are allowed to mourn. We all want the very best for our children and you are entitled to be stressed, sad, angry etc.

 

I work in family law, and we often end up advising people to do what it sounds like your stbx is doing. As long as there is no abuse, communication and collaboration between parties is good. But sometimes one party really needs to create space. Apart from emergencies and communications about exchanging the child and other truly important matters related to the child, limiting conversation can be desirable.

 

The goal ultimately is to settle matters so that the court and the attorneys can get out of your lives and you can get out of each other's lives. Some people remain wonderfully cordial and communicative, but others need firm boundaries, especially as they establish lives with new partners. It's true, but it's not easy, and it's probably not what you thought your life would be like. So grieving is part of it.

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:grouphug: Do listen to your lawyer not your ex.  If you don't have a set visitation schedule in place; have your attorney draw one up.  I can imagine how hard it is on you and your ds, but hopefully things will smooth out over time once things settle down.  It often takes finalizing the actual divorce to come to a more amicable shared custody.

 

If you have a divorce support group meeting near you...attend one.  Many of our local churches have them and being a member is not required.  You would meet sympathetic people there offering support and btdt shoulders.

 

On the school, most places have open enrollment options.  Get the info and stall (listen to your lawyer) on doing anything about the house.  Your dh....He wants you to do what he wants... to stress you till you cave and give in. :grouphug:  

 

 

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Ok it's sad when all the tips for saving money are things I already have been doing for a while now.

 

I understand him being told to distance himself. I am upset though that the papers I got seem to say he not only doesn't want to pay spousal support but he also wants me to pay him back for some supposed benefit I have received living in the house and getting support from him that is too much.

 

I will let my lawyer handle it but she is on vacation. Just scary because I will be living on very little money and probably have to work two jobs. And even though I am glad to be untied to him I am afraid to fall behind my bills.

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Here goes some more advice on saving money, but it's free and we all know what that means.    Before you head out and look for another job and increase your income (which will work towards his benefit), check into any benefits you might qualify for with your state.  Even when not qualifying you may be able to get one time only assistance.  Many food banks and churches have pantries you can try and for summer our place of worship is feeding kids lunch in the parks.  The schools have free breakfast for all children under 17 in my sisters state.  

 

Cutting budgets is often overwhelming...Have you checked out Dave Ramsay or others in the field.  Our library has a big selection on cutting back. :grouphug:

 

Expect you ex to be a heartless unsympathetic jerk at least through the divorce, that is what his lawyer and those advising him will recommend.  He may also just be a donkey-butt forever.

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I'm sorry about your lawyer being on vacation. That was very hard on a friend in the middle of a custody case when her lawyer's mom needed surgery and she had to be there for her mom and not her clients for a couple of weeks.

 

Don't give in about the spousal support. Just don't. That's why you have a lawyer. Also, consider taking in roommates to save the house. I know two divorced women who rented out rooms to keep their house and are super glad they did. The equity made it possible for them to retire. If they had lost their home they could never have retired.

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Also, consider taking in roommates to save the house. I know two divorced women who rented out rooms to keep their house and are super glad they did. The equity made it possible for them to retire. If they had lost their home they could never have retired.

 

Yes!  And if you can, try to find one of them as someone young and strong (maybe a college student) who you can barter some of the household chores that you may too tired to fool with: mowing, minor repairs (drippy faucet, that sort of thing).  It can be really beneficial to both of you if you find the right person (references, references, references....try to have people you trust steer people to you, rather than advertising).  The young person gets a cheap place to live, you get a bit of extra money and some help.  Double bonus points if you can find someone who works off-hours from you, so that you aren't both home at the same time all that often.  It gives you both a bit more privacy.

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I do have an emergency fund as I am a saver. So for now I'm good there. I do have a lot of debt but it is all 0% so that's helpful.

 

I've thought of a roommate. My house is kind of small but I could make it work. I believe I should wait until the lawyer sorts it out. I think he wants to sell it but there is so little equity.

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