Have you ever forbidden your teen to date someone and if so, how did it go? (UPDATE in #70)

[Janie Grace]

I'm not talking young teen, I'm talking 16-17. Dd has feelings for a guy who I strongly suspect is bad news. I don't want to post a lot of details but suffice it to say he has a reputation for getting as much as he can s*xually (with or without any commitment) and moving on. I think she has an idealistic view that with her it is/would be different -- that he is sincere in his interest and would respect her boundaries. I'm struggling not to be freaked out by this. I don't trust him and don't want to let her spend time alone with him. She is 17 and finishing up her junior year. I'm well aware that in a year and a half, she will be out from under my roof making her own choices. But she still IS under our roof right now and I have such a strong desire to protect her. 

 

I have seen this go badly -- the forbidden becomes more appealing. So I don't want to err in that way. And I do have hope that this will die of natural causes. He will be away all summer and feelings/attraction can be fickle. I really, really hope that happens. But if it doesn't, I want to know... how did/would you handle a romantic interest you don't have a good feeling about with a senior in high school?

Edited May 23, 2016 by Janie Grace

[Home'scool]

My daughter dated a guy who I could tell was bad news. I didn't forbid it because (a) that would have made him even more desirable and (b) she would not have grown from the situation.

 

I just kept a close eye on the whole situation .... driving them to the movies, inviting him over to hang at our house instead of them going out some where. Very quickly he cheated on her, she found out and dumped him. A LOT of tears and hurt, but she learned to get over it and move on. And she was stronger in picking a guy to get into a relationship the next time.

 

YMMV

[Janie Grace]

My daughter dated a guy who I could tell was bad news. I didn't forbid it because (a) that would have made him even more desirable and (b) she would not have grown from the situation.

 

I just kept a close eye on the whole situation .... driving them to the movies, inviting him over to hang at our house instead of them going out some where. Very quickly he cheated on her, she found out and dumped him. A LOT of tears and hurt, but she learned to get over it and move on. And she was stronger in picking a guy to get into a relationship the next time.

 

YMMV

 

Were they drivers? It is hard for me to imagine doing this since both dd and this boy have their licenses. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yeah just looking back at myself and how I would have responded.  I would have probably not listened to my parents to be honest.

 

It seems to me like it might be better to keep talking to her and hopefully she'll feel comfortable to talk to you if there are problems.  To me if you come down hard with this that could really backfire. 

 

What a difficult situation though. 

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

Forbidding won't help.

 

Depending on your relationship you can sit down and calmly share your concerns. But ultimately it's going to have to be her choice.

 

She may already know how he is, and not care.

[SquirrellyMama]

I dated a guy that was bad news in high school. He'd run away several times, and had stolen a car. Like a pp said, he very quickly cheated on me. I imagine this kid will probably do something to end the relationship, especially if he can't get what he wants from her.

 

Kelly

[BlsdMama]

If this was the reputation we're talking about and not just some random "feeling" then why is she interested in him?  He's promiscuous and uses girls sexually? Why does she find that attractive?  It's concerning and I'd ask her to think about that - what makes a good boyfriend/mate?  Isn't it faithfulness, depth of character, thoughtfulness?  His activities suggest the opposite.

 

And, no, my daughter wouldn't be spending time alone with him.  Now, in the spirit of flexibility, if she'd like us to give him a fair shot, I would consider getting to know him better by him spending time with our family as a group.  And if he is really and truly interested in her long term and as a person, I'd think he'd be willing to make the sacrifice.  Could be eye opening for her.

Edited May 16, 2016 by BlsdMama

[bettyandbob]

OK my parents tried to forbid me from seeing someone at that age. I'm sure they thought they were quite successful in their effort. I lied. I dated him seriously for three years--into college when they had no idea what I was doing. He was a really good guy. I'm sure if my parents had not forbid the relationship it would not have gone on so long. We are friends on FB. We've run into each other over the years, first at mutual friends weddings and then through work. It's been 20 years since we saw each other IRL.

 

My parents didn't actually know anything about him.

 

YMMV

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm curious as to where you got this information.  Do you live in a very small town or something?

 

My parents never knew anything at all about any guy I dated.  They wouldn't have dreamed of even asking. 

 

 

[Janie Grace]

If this was the reputation we're talking about and not just some random "feeling" then why is she interested in him?  He's promiscuous and uses girls sexually? Why does she find that attractive?  It's concerning and I'd ask her to think about that - what makes a good boyfriend/mate?  Isn't it faithfulness, depth of character, thoughtfulness?  His activities suggest the opposite.

 

And, no, my daughter wouldn't be spending time alone with him.  Now, in the spirit of flexibility, if she'd like us to give him a fair shot, I would consider getting to know him better by him spending time with our family as a group.  And if he is really and truly interested in her long term and as a person, I'd think he'd be willing to make the sacrifice.  Could be eye opening for her.

 

We have discussed this. He has lots of character traits that do make him appealing (and I understand the attraction based on those things) -- he is hardworking and has deep convictions about things and takes initiative in terms of his future that is unique among guys his age. Again, I don't want to get specific but adults that know him think very highly of him, not because he's a poser but because he actually does have good qualities. Dd and he connect on a social/emotional level, I guess -- he's outgoing and friendly where a lot of guys are quiet and awkward. And he's good looking. Of course all of these are outweighed by the stuff I mentioned in the OP in my book but when you are 17, it is easy to downplay the other stuff when you're drawn to someone and they are flattering you with attention. She think that "all guys are horny" and he has made some mistakes but she can forgive them, and that she has firm boundaries and that if he pushed her to cross them, she'd just break up with him. I know that things can go differently in the heat of the moment, but she is young and inexperienced. She's not a wimp but I know what it's like to be 17 and swept away by an idealized view of someone. 

[Janie Grace]

I'm curious as to where you got this information.  Do you live in a very small town or something?

 

My parents never knew anything at all about any guy I dated.  They wouldn't have dreamed of even asking. 

 

From dd herself. She tells me a lot. And from her brother, who attends the same school and is on a sports team with the guy.

[Crimson Wife]

Keep her busy and if there's maybe an older-but-same-generation relative or close family friend who can talk to her, she might be more receptive to a warning coming from that individual. My BFF-in-high school's younger sister dated a guy who was the very least controlling & jealous and whom we suspected may have been abusing her (she denied it back then, not sure what the truth of the matter is). When they started talking about getting engaged after graduation, my BFF asked me and some of her other close friends to stage an "intervention". They didn't break up immediately, but she did apply to colleges out of the area when her original plan was to commute to the local branch of the state university.

[SparklyUnicorn]

From dd herself. She tells me a lot. And from her brother, who attends the same school and is on a sports team with the guy.

 

Ah.

Well hey it sounds like she is pretty honest with you.  That's a definite plus.  Her comment about all guys are horny...well I don't think we can exactly deny that.  Especially young guys.

[Lolly]

I would not forbid. You have discussed your concerns. Unless you think he is a possible rapist, you have to trust your dd at this point. Unfortunately, these are her mistakes/problems to deal with. Hopefully, she will stick to her guns. Maybe big brother can give the big brother glare and possibly speech to the guy.

[TammyS]

If this was the reputation we're talking about and not just some random "feeling" then why is she interested in him?  He's promiscuous and uses girls sexually? Why does she find that attractive?  It's concerning and I'd ask her to think about that - what makes a good boyfriend/mate?  Isn't it faithfulness, depth of character, thoughtfulness?  His activities suggest the opposite.

 

And, no, my daughter wouldn't be spending time alone with him.  Now, in the spirit of flexibility, if she'd like us to give him a fair shot, I would consider getting to know him better by him spending time with our family as a group.  And if he is really and truly interested in her long term and as a person, I'd think he'd be willing to make the sacrifice.  Could be eye opening for her.

 

:iagree:  All of this. 

 

And lots and lots of conversations (which have hopefully already started) about what makes for a good relationship, what is the plan long term, where does she see this going, where does he see it going, etc.  Lots of talk about the harms of recreational dating and not giving out parts of ourselves (I'm talking emotionally, not sexually, though of course that applies) to people who aren't interested in a real, long-term commitment.

 

I would probably try to avoid the use of the word "forbid", but I would make sure alone time didn't happen, whatever it takes.  Of course, I don't really believe in alone time for dating teens anyway.  I see no upside and lots of downsides.

[Rachel]

I don't have teens so I can't give advice from a parenting perspective but I know my sister snuck around to see a guy my parents didn't like. She would say she had to work, had debate practice, or was at a friend's house. It was easy for her to lie and get away with it even though my mom attempted to check up on her.

 

I think my parents would have been better off inviting him to our house for dinner a couple times a week. If my parents started to like him, he may have lost his appeal. From my perspective (older sister) the kid wasn't marrying material, but he wasn't horrible by any means. He was certainly better than the next couple guys she dated.

[fairfarmhand]

I think if she's truly committed to chastity, you should have the disease discussion with her anyway. Even if it's "I know. I know."

 

Then get her the HPV vaccine. And explain to her that an experienced guy who is "horny" can put tremendous pressure on a good, strong principled girl like herself. If she dates him, you feel that it's likely that she will be another girl in his string of girls and you want to protect her from HPV. This isn't because you want to give her "permission." Its that you know how difficult it is for even good girls to withstand the pressure.

 

And make sure that their dates happen in public places. They have a firm timeline for which they plan. Lots of visits with family. Etc.

 

THat would be for any guy, not just the bad news guys.

Edited May 16, 2016 by fairfarmhand

[Supertechmom]

I would prepare her for the possibly of sex.   Including the infamous STD pictures of what things look like when it goes wrong, the resources available  to pregnant single moms, etc .  Do some volunteer work at a crisis center.  When the person in question is generally a good person who has that one quality that someone feels they can change, I supply the facts and the reality of what if it doesn't change.  And then do my best to be supportive and helpful as needed.  Maybe he's  a great person who hasn't found the right person and she's the right person and he leaves his bad habits behind. :hurray: Maybe he's a douche bag who will break her heart. :cursing:  the one I thought would be an awesome person turned out to be so very wrong and the one I am most concerned about for my kid has turned out to be a good thing.  So, predicting is rather hard  to do.  

 

At her age, I consider my role to mitigate the fallout.  So I would make sure her sex ed is up to date and include him in as much family life as I could.    The douche bag will show up quickly in most cases.  But forbidding it......... will make things so much worse in my experience.

[Sarah CB]

My twenty year old complimented dh and I on how we handled her first boyfriend.  She was 17 and started dating him a few months before she was due to start university on the other side of the country.  The guy she was dating seemed very nice, but set off some red flags.  It wasn't until she had settled in to university and he started getting really clingy - calling her and texting her often, talking about how he wanted to move out to where she was, etc., that she became less interested.  Finally, they saw each other in another country for a sport's tournament and dd realized she wasn't interested anymore.

 

She knew we had misgivings, but we kept out of it as much as possible. She told me that if we had tried to get in the way then she probably wouldn't have lost interest the way she did. Getting out of the way gave her the freedom to figure things out on her own.

 

But, it was hard. Especially when he was expressing serious intentions so quickly.

[Janie Grace]

I would probably try to avoid the use of the word "forbid", but I would make sure alone time didn't happen, whatever it takes.  Of course, I don't really believe in alone time for dating teens anyway.  I see no upside and lots of downsides.

 

Does this mean that your kids will not go away to college, or that you will ask them to not spend one-on-one time with the opposite sex while they are at college? Or does the rule change once they leave home? I am not trying to contradict your convictions, I am just curious. We used to have this same thought (no one-on-one) and we still do for when they are young teens, but as our oldest approaches young adulthood, we feel the need to transition into greater freedom for her and trust on our part. 

[teachermom2834]

Ugh. Teen dating. I am in the middle of it and I feel for you. I am in the camp that thinks forbidding backfires. I tend to try the love my kids and their significant others through these things and hope that they come to a conclusion without too much damage. I have said about one relationship "we can't keep them apart so let's hold them close". I want to know what is going on and be there to help with the fallout.

 

This is a really hard stage of parenthood.

[Seasider]

Keep her busy and if there's maybe an older-but-same-generation relative or close family friend who can talk to her, she might be more receptive to a warning coming from that individual. My BFF-in-high school's younger sister dated a guy who was the very least controlling & jealous and whom we suspected may have been abusing her (she denied it back then, not sure what the truth of the matter is). When they started talking about getting engaged after graduation, my BFF asked me and some of her other close friends to stage an "intervention". They didn't break up immediately, but she did apply to colleges out of the area when her original plan was to commute to the local branch of the state university.

I can't speak from experience but I think I would go with keep her busy with other things (harder with a mobile older teen, maybe).

 

Also, I've heard others say before that they sort of "love bomb" the suitor - invite him to spend so much time with your family that he wearies of it and moves along.

[gardenmom5]

I had one that really wanted to be with a toxic person.  knowing this child - I knew they were a risk for doing something phenomenally stupid if I forbade it.

 

after MUCH prayer - the s/o was invited  to spend lots of time in our home. (it wasn't remotely logical, but it is what brought peace *when I prayed*.)  after a month - child wanted them to go away.

 

Edited May 16, 2016 by gardenmom5

[HRAAB]

I was in a similar situation with my dd.  I didn't forbid her from seeing him because, honestly, I didn't know how to enforce that.  Short of me not allowing her to leave the house, I had no way to make sure she didn't see him.  She had her driver's license, had a job, was active in her church youth group which all gave her plenty of opportunities to see him - unless I followed her to work, church, and other activities.  Plus, I couldn't stop him from attending church activities or hanging around where she worked.  Another thing that made it very hard in our particular situation was that his family was very active in our church homeschool group, a very close knit group.  All our children's friends, and many of our friends, were part of this group.  Frankly, at that time I don't think anyone would have believed that this family's son could be bad news, but bad news he was.

 

Her father and I talked to her frequently about what we saw; of course, she denied everything and told us we were imaging things.  Fortunately, one of the youth group leaders saw some unhealthy behavior on his part, and she also talked to my dd.  Not that my dd listened to her either, but that meant I had another set of eyes and another voice backing me up.  I tried sharing some concerns with his mother, but that did not go well.

 

I wish I could say it all turned out fine (it finally did but not before some real damage was done).  Things escalated to where we forbade him to come on our property, and at that point told our dd she could not see him anymore. My dh called his parents and told them he wasn't allowed on our property (he wasn't 18 yet), but they didn't believe us plus really had little control over him.  The youth minister tried to talk to his mother sharing what she had witnessed, but that ended up making the situation even more hostile.  It ended with us having to call the police, and a few very uncomfortable encounters with his family. I'm so glad that we had a close relationship with our dd, and even though she didn't believe us at first about him, she still came to us when she needed help.

 

I had had 'bad' feelings about him and had been told a couple of things, but I didn't really know how bad it was. I still look back and wonder what we could have done differently.  If we had forbid her from seeing him early on, what could have happened?  She could have run off with him, and it could have been much worse.  Or, maybe it would have died out, and we would have been saved a lot of grief.  I really suspect it would have been worse if we had forbidden it up front, but who knows.  It's one thing I still have a lot of guilt over even though it was 10 years ago.

 

No good answer to your question.  I would keep my eyes and ears open and talk with her a lot.  Parenting teens sometimes is just plain hard.  And I hate teen dating.  Many come out of it unscathed, but some don't.  I haven't had to deal with teen dating with my next two dds, thankfully, but I still have two more to go.  And I still don't feel qualified.

 

 

[Penguin]

Just add me to the list of those whose parents forbid me to see the guy I was in love with. I saw him all the time. For several years. Where there is a will, there is a way. And it just caused me to not tell my parents ANYTHING. They were right about him, though.

[Bluegoat]

I'm not sure how to stop a 17 year old from seeing someone?  I was a compliant teen about practical stuff, and wouldn't have complied with that - I'd have just been very discrete.  My sister, who was entirely non-compliant, would have simply done it anyway.  People get married at 17 sometimes, and that's the age my dh joined the army!

 

I'm also not surprised that his past doesn't bother her much.  On the one hand, if she's nice she'll tend to see him through those eyes.  And on the other, a bit of a bad boy has a lot of romantic appeal.

 

I think being up front about concerns, giving some ideas about how to handle situations and what they might look like, and being very open if she needs help, might be the best bets.

[ktgrok]

We have discussed this. He has lots of character traits that do make him appealing (and I understand the attraction based on those things) -- he is hardworking and has deep convictions about things and takes initiative in terms of his future that is unique among guys his age. Again, I don't want to get specific but adults that know him think very highly of him, not because he's a poser but because he actually does have good qualities. Dd and he connect on a social/emotional level, I guess -- he's outgoing and friendly where a lot of guys are quiet and awkward. And he's good looking. Of course all of these are outweighed by the stuff I mentioned in the OP in my book but when you are 17, it is easy to downplay the other stuff when you're drawn to someone and they are flattering you with attention. She think that "all guys are horny" and he has made some mistakes but she can forgive them, and that she has firm boundaries and that if he pushed her to cross them, she'd just break up with him. I know that things can go differently in the heat of the moment, but she is young and inexperienced. She's not a wimp but I know what it's like to be 17 and swept away by an idealized view of someone. 

 

Ok, sounds like a good talk! Can you talk with her, openly about how you are proud of her having boundaries, but that even Mother Teresa might have gotten carried away in the right circumstance, and how to protect boundaries? What lines might she set to do that? Ask her, don't tell her. 

 

Also, a talk about how it can be VERY tempting to want to "save" someone at that age, for girls. And to "change" someone. But that it often is more about ego, about feeling special and different to all the other girls he dated, rather than about true feelings. 

[zoobie]

I don't know if there's much you can do on the forbidding front, but from a mom perspective on this sex side of things, this is an excellent time to draw the infamous cluster exposure chart of how diseases spread and how when you sleep with one person, you have to consider the exposures to all previous partners as well. It sounds like y'all have a very open relationship so even though she thinks at the moment she isn't planning on it, having this information drawn visually on a chart may stick with her on a more practical front beyond the risk of emotional hurt. I've had a couple of friends ask me to do this with their teens and you can almost see the wheels turning and counts being done in their heads, even if they are pretty quiet and say "yeah I know" during the discussion.

 

It may also be a good time (if you haven't already done so, or are on the fence) to look into the full series of HPV vaccines for her. An ounce of prevention in this case can save a life.

 

That has to be such a hard situation. :grouphug:

This. And stressing how diseases can be spread through all types of sexual contact where bodily fluids are shared.

 

And sure, teenaged guys are horny. But so are teenaged girls! Saying you're going to be chaste when you're talking to your mom is a very different thing than saying it when the hormones are running hot and heavy. If she hasn't been in that situation before, she may not fully understand how easily things progress.

[Scarlett]

Not all teens rebel against parents wishes. I would not appear to give my approval to a relationship you are uneasy about. Tell her you dont approve and dont want her alone with him. Acknowledge she is capable of sneaking around and rebelling against your counsel.....and tell her you hope she won't go that route.

[TranquilMind]

I'm not talking young teen, I'm talking 16-17. Dd has feelings for a guy who I strongly suspect is bad news. I don't want to post a lot of details but suffice it to say he has a reputation for getting as much as he can s*xually (with or without any commitment) and moving on. I think she has an idealistic view that with her it is/would be different -- that he is sincere in his interest and would respect her boundaries. I'm struggling not to be freaked out by this. I don't trust him and don't want to let her spend time alone with him. She is 17 and finishing up her junior year. I'm well aware that in a year and a half, she will be out from under my roof making her own choices. But she still IS under our roof right now and I have such a strong desire to protect her. 

 

I have seen this go badly -- the forbidden becomes more appealing. So I don't want to err in that way. And I do have hope that this will die of natural causes. He will be away all summer and feelings/attraction can be fickle. I really, really hope that happens. But if it doesn't, I want to know... how did/would you handle a romantic interest you don't have a good feeling about with a senior in high school?

No matter what you think or know, the teen won't listen and is sure she knows better.   My mom went through it with me, and wisely, kept her mouth shut, though to this day, I don't know how she did it.  I went through it and did not keep my mouth shut; I attempted to rationally reason with a teen.  Not possible, I discovered.  They don't really hear you once you have contradicted their views.  I have one that would hold on like a pit bull to the death to an idea or belief, especially if a parent thought it was a bad idea. 

The only thing that corrects this is time and maturity.   Keep your mouth shut if you can do it.  Or only ask open-ended, "how do you feel about that" questions. 

[TranquilMind]

Just add me to the list of those whose parents forbid me to see the guy I was in love with. I saw him all the time. For several years. Where there is a will, there is a way. And it just caused me to not tell my parents ANYTHING. They were right about him, though.

 

That is funny.  Even if you had known this up front, would you have seen him for several years anyway because your parents said no? 

 

I have one who would, I think.  And of course, I would be right, but not hear about it until the kid was maybe 30. 

[Hypatia.]

Just add me to the list of those whose parents forbid me to see the guy I was in love with. I saw him all the time. For several years. Where there is a will, there is a way. And it just caused me to not tell my parents ANYTHING. They were right about him, though.

 

Me too. I ended up sneaking around to see him for a couple years in high school and never shared anything with my parents, then once I was 18 in college started dating him again. That was followed by a 4 year marriage that was horrid and then divorce. I honestly think that if it hadn't been forbidden, the relationship would have run its course in about 6 months when I was a teen.

[fairfarmhand]

OH, one more thing.

 

Always have the attitude of "I could be wrong about bad news guy. In fact, I hope I am wrong about bad news guy. But the decision is up to you and I want it to be yours. Be wise; only do things that YOU want to do and don't let anyone, good guy or not, pressure you into doing ANYTHING that you don't want to do or put you in situations where you may make poor choices."

 

Also talk about how wisdom is lookin ahead to what could happen were you to put yourself in a bad situation or something that you can't handle.

[Prairie~Phlox]

I would never, it's a learning life lesson. Negative things make them want to defy you more.

[katilac]

I think forbidding at that age is impossible, and I likely wouldn't do it on principle anyway. I am sure someone, somewhere, has had success in forbidding their older teen to see someone, but I have yet to see it happen. I know a few parents who think they were successful, but they definitely weren't. 

 

At some point, they have to live their own life and make their own mistakes. I think your best line of defense is to keep her talking and keep her busy. And invite him over a lot. 

 

One thing I tell my kids again and again is to never lie to me about who they are with or where they are going, because if something happens or they don't come home on time, I will have no idea of where to look for them. If we disagree on what's reasonable, we'll discuss it until we reach a compromise. It's a fear for me because I used to be out with the guy I was forbidden to date, parked on a lonely road by a closed warehouse so that no one would see us. Luckily, he was more or less a gentleman, and no serial killers found us. 

 

I would also really urge you to give him a chance to succeed or fail with your daughter on his own merits and actions. Unfair rumors spread about boys just like they do about girls, and all young people make mistakes. 

 

 

[FaithManor]

My cousin ran off and married the bad boy her parents forbid her from seeing. It didn't end well. Another cousin -different family- did the same with matching results so I am not a fan of the forbidding thing.

 

I do believe in a cautious eye and lots of family involvement, open talks, and serious sex and health ed including talks about consent and what to do if. All our teens have a safety word so if we were to get a phone call and they use that word, we go get them if we knew the location or keep them on the line while we called 911. This applies to both males and females. No judgement, just call, safety is the number one priority.

 

Make sure you emphasize during the safety talk importance of never drinking a beverage or eating food they have left unattended due to date rape drugs.

[FaithManor]

And as Katilac said, give him a chance. You would be surprised by the number of teen boys with sullied reputations often from mean spirited lies spread amongst local youth who then repeat to parents as if the unsubstantiated is gospel truth.

[snickerplum]

I'm a rule follower. I wish my parents told me to stay away from a certain boyfriend. They didn't like him (and for good reason, and they didn't know the half of it), but let me date him anyways. It was a horrible experience. Terrible. If they did forbid me I would have been able to see him at school, but I wasn't crafty enough to arrange meetings behind their backs.

[Penguin]

That is funny. Even if you had known this up front, would you have seen him for several years anyway because your parents said no?

 

I have one who would, I think. And of course, I would be right, but not hear about it until the kid was maybe 30.

Nah, I did not stay with him to spite my parents (just my mom, really...my dad was more laid back about everything). I was a very independent teen. Just being honest, my parents' opinion of my boyfriend seemed irrelevant to me at the time. I did whatever I wanted to do, and if my parents tried to get in the way of that...well, I just figured out a workaround.

 

Yes, I have apologized to my mom for my teen years. I was very difficult to parent after age 12. Before that, I was the dream child lol.

Edited May 17, 2016 by Penguin

[Anne in CA]

I don't know if there's much you can do on the forbidding front, but from a mom perspective on this sex side of things, this is an excellent time to draw the infamous cluster exposure chart of how diseases spread and how when you sleep with one person, you have to consider the exposures to all previous partners as well. It sounds like y'all have a very open relationship so even though she thinks at the moment she isn't planning on it, having this information drawn visually on a chart may stick with her on a more  practical front beyond the risk of emotional hurt. I've had a couple of friends ask me to do this with their teens and you can almost see the wheels turning and counts being done in their heads, even if they are pretty quiet and say "yeah I know" during the discussion.

 

 It may also be a good time (if you haven't already done so, or are on the fence) to look into the full series of HPV vaccines for her.  An ounce of prevention in this case can save a life. 

 

That has to be such a hard situation.  :grouphug:

Agree, Agree, Agree!

 

My sister is an ER nurse and tells about every week (she is a nurse in a very, very small farming community) girls like your dd come in with stomach pain and are told they can never ever have kids now because some jerk led them on. They let their symptoms go too long because they simply are in denial that having s76 one time can lead to serious disease. Lots of these girls only ever had s56 ONCE, the guy dumped them, and left them with this "gift".

 

My sister HATES guys who lead girls on, it always ends up badly for them. I'm sorry, because I agree that forbidding a relationship would be a bad strategy, but this guy is bad news. Someone who uses people does not have good qualities that overcome that particular bad trait IMO.

[FaithManor]

I guess I should confess that I was a people pleasing girl that went out on a limb to date a boy my parents didn't like. Or more accurately, it was their family that was the big concern - lots of marital problems, lots of emotional and verbal abuse in the house. My dad wanted to absolutely lock me up in my room and forbid me from the outside world until I agreed not to see him. My mom went ballistic and intervened. She was definitely around a lot, tried to keep the lines of communication open. She really pushed me hard with my two passions, music and marine biology, because these were two things that I couldn't major in at a local college. It worked. I wanted to pursue my loves, and that meant applying to out of the area colleges and universities. Once away at school, I quickly came to realize that he was not very nice - lots of anger problems which probably had something to do with his parents' marriage - and that his family would be a horrible mess to deal with in the future. On top of which I was meeting many focused, lovely, mature, respectful young men at college which kind of made me hold a mirror up to the situation and see him for what he was.

 

Good ole mom! She knew what she was doing. LOL, I broke up with the dude over the phone - I know, I know....not nice - three weeks into my first semester and never looked back. I dodged a bullet let me tell ya. His parents split and his mother became so promiscuous that it was profoundly embarrassing to her kids, the dad became really bitter about it and was very unkind, turned quite inward and unwelcoming, and the boy ended up becoming an alcoholic in college. Took a total nose dive academically. Partied. Became a mess. Ended up in rehab where thankfully he did get things turned around, but he was 40 years old by then. So I can honestly say that ending up with my wonderful dh now is something that I am very thankful for because it might not have happened if mom hadn't had those excellent instincts about how to handle the situation.

 

My cousins had some pretty messy times. The forbidding thing just simply did.not.go.well.for.them. Very ugly and for the most part, family relations never healed properly so there has always been a level of tense distance between them now as adults. There just doesn't seem to be a way for everyone to get past the hurtful things that were said and done. I think the parent-child relationships between my aunts/uncles and their once hard to parent kids are permanently damaged.

[ktgrok]

Yes, talk about the disease issue, but also, make sure she knows you aren't just concerned that HE will want to move faster than expected. But that it is NORMAL and healthy and natural that SHE may find herself wanting to go further than she had planned. That good girls DO have hormones and urges. And that you have to plan for that, and be proactive. 

[Janie Grace]

Yes, talk about the disease issue, but also, make sure she knows you aren't just concerned that HE will want to move faster than expected. But that it is NORMAL and healthy and natural that SHE may find herself wanting to go further than she had planned. That good girls DO have hormones and urges. And that you have to plan for that, and be proactive. 

 

Great point. 

[TranquilMind]

Nah, I did not stay with him to spite my parents (just my mom, really...my dad was more laid back about everything). I was a very independent teen. Just being honest, my parents' opinion of my boyfriend seemed irrelevant to me at the time. I did whatever I wanted to do, and if my parents tried to get in the way of that...well, I just figured out a workaround.

 

Yes, I have apologized to my mom for my teen years. I was very difficult to parent after age 12. Before that, I was the dream child lol.

 

Yeah, I have one of those too.  Dream baby, toddler, child.  I never knew what hit me.

[BlsdMama]

I'm not talking young teen, I'm talking 16-17. Dd has feelings for a guy who I strongly suspect is bad news. I don't want to post a lot of details but suffice it to say he has a reputation for getting as much as he can s*xually (with or without any commitment) and moving on. I think she has an idealistic view that with her it is/would be different -- that he is sincere in his interest and would respect her boundaries. I'm struggling not to be freaked out by this. I don't trust him and don't want to let her spend time alone with him. She is 17 and finishing up her junior year. I'm well aware that in a year and a half, she will be out from under my roof making her own choices. But she still IS under our roof right now and I have such a strong desire to protect her. 

 

I have seen this go badly -- the forbidden becomes more appealing. So I don't want to err in that way. And I do have hope that this will die of natural causes. He will be away all summer and feelings/attraction can be fickle. I really, really hope that happens. But if it doesn't, I want to know... how did/would you handle a romantic interest you don't have a good feeling about with a senior in high school?

 

 

Is she a Christian?  I ask only because my talk would be different with my believing daughter than it would be with not.

[Laura Corin]

A story for you. Someone I know started seeing a 30yo man when she was 16. She was bright, stubborn and academic. He was a pleasant, pot-smoking, unemployed man with no interest in changing.

 

Her parents were scared that she would leave home if they banned the relationship. They made sure she had time to study and held their tongues while she pursued the relationship.

 

She got into Oxford, came home after one term and dumped him. Sighs of relief all round. She is happily married and none the worse for the experience.

[Scarlett]

I just don't understand the either or thinking on 'forbidding' or not.

 

Can't we withhold approval to that which we do not approve without outright 'forbidding'?  

 

Kids need and many kids crave boundaries and guidance.  I consider it a life lesson to let my son oversleep when he forgot to set his alarm....not to let him rush headlong into a relationship that I see as a big mistake.  

[Liz CA]

We have discussed this. He has lots of character traits that do make him appealing (and I understand the attraction based on those things) -- he is hardworking and has deep convictions about things and takes initiative in terms of his future that is unique among guys his age. Again, I don't want to get specific but adults that know him think very highly of him, not because he's a poser but because he actually does have good qualities. Dd and he connect on a social/emotional level, I guess -- he's outgoing and friendly where a lot of guys are quiet and awkward. And he's good looking. Of course all of these are outweighed by the stuff I mentioned in the OP in my book but when you are 17, it is easy to downplay the other stuff when you're drawn to someone and they are flattering you with attention. She think that "all guys are horny" and he has made some mistakes but she can forgive them, and that she has firm boundaries and that if he pushed her to cross them, she'd just break up with him. I know that things can go differently in the heat of the moment, but she is young and inexperienced. She's not a wimp but I know what it's like to be 17 and swept away by an idealized view of someone. 

 

Agree with the idealistic view at that age and even into the twenties. Forbidding is likely to result in their going behind your back and communication to shut down. I'd talk a lot about her goals, her values and what she is looking for in a guy- the whole package. I'd probably also talk a lot about consequences of not so good choices, etc. And this is probably all you can do. Monitor, be available for any and all conversations, be her cheerleader...and pray that the "real" person will be revealed. If he is being maligned by gossip you may find out he is not as bad as previously thought or if he truly has an agenda, she (and you) will discover it.

[Janie Grace]

A story for you. Someone I know started seeing a 30yo man when she was 16. She was bright, stubborn and academic. He was a pleasant, pot-smoking, unemployed man with no interest in changing.

 

Her parents were scared that she would leave home if they banned the relationship. They made sure she had time to study and held their tongues while she pursued the relationship.

 

She got into Oxford, came home after one term and dumped him. Sighs of relief all round. She is happily married and none the worse for the experience.

 

Oh my word. That must have taken some major self-control. I cannot imagine holding my tongue if my 16-year-old were dating a 30-year-old pot smoker. Obviously it worked out for her but YIKES.

[Janie Grace]

Agree with the idealistic view at that age and even into the twenties. Forbidding is likely to result in their going behind your back and communication to shut down. I'd talk a lot about her goals, her values and what she is looking for in a guy- the whole package. I'd probably also talk a lot about consequences of not so good choices, etc. And this is probably all you can do. Monitor, be available for any and all conversations, be her cheerleader...and pray that the "real" person will be revealed. If he is being maligned by gossip you may find out he is not as bad as previously thought or if he truly has an agenda, she (and you) will discover it.

 

Yes, I think you're right. I already did some damage by speaking too strongly about what a bad guy he is based on the rumors and what ds has told me about how this guy talks/jokes. I crossed a line into being obviously fearful and controlling and basically communicating that dd isn't capable of making good choices -- and she called me out on it. She was right. We are raising her to be wise and confident and we are teaching her that God leads us and is worthy of our trust... and yet my words/tone were communicating the opposite of all that. I apologized and I am trying to trust God more while at the same time praying like crazy that these feelings will dissipate, that they will be totally unappealing to each other, and that if this guy is the jerk he seems to be, it will be revealed in vivid living color to dd. And yes, even that someone will come along who is so obviously BETTER than this guy that dd will realize she was lowering her bar. Just today I had the thought that I should also be praying for this guy, because I truly do believe God can change people.