Conflict resolution and should I apologize?

[EMS83]

I can't make this too detailed, but I had a conversation with someone close to me which while I knew I upset the other party, I didn't define as an argument.  They did (as in, I'm trying to change their mind), and they felt disrespected.  I am confident I didn't say anything nasty, negative, or with an aggressive tone.  I made a frank statement, though, from a drastically differing viewpoint (with "I" phrasing).  The application of this discussion directly affects how my children participate in a certain activity, so it wasn't just idle opinion swapping.  (Think about how different perspectives lead to different homeschooling methods or different levels of parental permission; same concept here).

 

This isn't an isolated incident with this person, but I've also noticed some other people respond similarly--as if I'm arguing when I think I'm simply presenting my (differing) perspective.  I know I'm not using nasty tones or language, but I'm open to the possibility that my phrasing could be improved.  I also realize that perhaps it's a temperament thing on the other person's part and I need to be more careful if/when I recognize it.  I'd like to find the balance between throwing "me" all over people and being a silent doormat or just adopting the other person's view (I used to do that on everything).

 

So I'm wondering if there's a way to apologize for the result, without sounding backhanded?  Or if I should just drop it?  We see each other regularly.  And if anyone has any favorite resources on conflict resolution or just generally how to communicate clearly and neutrally, I'd love for you to share.

 

 

[zoobie]

It's impossible to say from what you've given. An "I" statement can be offensive. "I think you're an ignorant buffoon," for example. No one other than my DH has an opinion in how we homeschool, so I'm trying to imagine who else would need to feel respected on this topic. Some people use the disrespected crap as manipulation when you don't agree with them or do what they say.

[Rosie_0801]

Are we sharing a bench under the same unlucky star? 

[GinaPagnato]

It's impossible to say from what you've given. An "I" statement can be offensive. "I think you're an ignorant buffoon," for example. No one other than my DH has an opinion in how we homeschool, so I'm trying to imagine who else would need to feel respected on this topic. Some people use the disrespected crap as manipulation when you don't agree with them or do what they say.

 

Oh man, that's so right on! I never knew what bothered me about that so much, but you're right. It's straight up manipulation!

 

To the OP, I would probably tell the other person when I saw her/him again, "Hey, I hope everything is okay between us. I wasn't trying to offend you or anything. I think we just have different perspectives on this issue, so we come at it differently. No hard feelings?"

 

IOW, I would address the elephant in the room without conceding fault. Some people are more direct or intense in their conversation, which can be upsetting or off-putting to others whose approach is more "gentle", for lack of a better word. I don't think you need to apologize, based on what you've shared. Just acknowledge the differences and let her/him know that no offense was intended.

[Tess in the Burbs]

My sister always reacts like this during discussions. She tells her side, but soon as I start to speak she goes off on me and my opinion (unspoken at this point) and walks out of the room.

 

However, she is going through some personal issues and focusing on being a better person. She brought up the old conversation and I took the opportunity to present my opinion. She let me. I was shocked.

 

So perhaps it's how people handle discussion these days. I told dh I felt like you can't sit and discuss controversial topics anymore among friends. In college we always had great discussions and no one was on the same side!!! Everything is different. Everyone seems to want all to agree or they are mad. What happened to just hearing all sides and move on?

 

No answers for you. If it affected the relationship, maybe apologize. However, it could be the people not knowing how to agree to disagree.

[EMS83]

zoobie: Good point, lol!  It wasn't an offensive "I" statement.  It was an, "I'm not going to do X because I see things from Y perspective and Z results may happen."  sort of thing.  It was franker than I typically communicate, but I have had a decades long habit of communicating by adopting other people's opinions; I'm trying to be a little healthier these days.  Hope that clarifies!

 

 

[EMS83]

I don't think it's intentional manipulation, though I know that certainly happens.  Perhaps what tess says about it being hard for people to disagree?  I have noticed that general trend, though.  That's why I'm also hoping to find ways to express as neutrally as possible.  

 

So apologizing for the offense but not admitting fault isn't backhanded?  I do want to keep this relationship positive!  And hopefully close, though I can't completely control that.

 

 

[Pegasus]

This isn't an isolated incident with this person, but I've also noticed some other people respond similarly--as if I'm arguing when I think I'm simply presenting my (differing) perspective.  I know I'm not using nasty tones or language, but I'm open to the possibility that my phrasing could be improved. 

 

I think the above quote is key. It is very self-aware for you to realize that the issue may be with how you are communicating and not your intent.  Consider if the other person could have taken the statement of your perspective as judgmental of their own approach.  For example, even just stating that you homeschool because you feel it provides the best education for your children can be taken poorly by a parent whose children attend the local public school.  Suddenly, they are confronted with a statement that implies that they are not providing the best education for their own children.

 

I don't think it is ever wrong to apologize when a miscommunication took place. .  

[brehon]

I deal with several people both in my family and at work for whom the slightest disagreement with their stated opinion means that the person with the differing opinion is "disrespecting" them or doesn't like them or whatever. Frankly, I'm tired of dealing with it and call it out when it happens.

[Tammyla]

I think an apology would be nice, since this wasn't an isolated incident and you want to continue a relationship.  You may want to review the conversation from their side and see how you might disagree in the future without offending the other party; since you mentioned other people thinking you were arguing.  It's hard balance to find, but if this is going to reoccur it would be worth working on your delivery and acceptance of opposing viewpoints.

 

 

I can't make this too detailed, but I had a conversation with someone close to me which while I knew I upset the other party, I didn't define as an argument.  They did (as in, I'm trying to change their mind), and they felt disrespected.  I am confident I didn't say anything nasty, negative, or with an aggressive tone.  I made a frank statement, though, from a drastically differing viewpoint (with "I" phrasing).  The application of this discussion directly affects how my children participate in a certain activity, so it wasn't just idle opinion swapping.  (Think about how different perspectives lead to different homeschooling methods or different levels of parental permission; same concept here).

 

This isn't an isolated incident with this person, but I've also noticed some other people respond similarly--as if I'm arguing when I think I'm simply presenting my (differing) perspective.  I know I'm not using nasty tones or language, but I'm open to the possibility that my phrasing could be improved.  I also realize that perhaps it's a temperament thing on the other person's part and I need to be more careful if/when I recognize it.  I'd like to find the balance between throwing "me" all over people and being a silent doormat or just adopting the other person's view (I used to do that on everything).

 

So I'm wondering if there's a way to apologize for the result, without sounding backhanded?  Or if I should just drop it?  We see each other regularly.  And if anyone has any favorite resources on conflict resolution or just generally how to communicate clearly and neutrally, I'd love for you to share.

 

[freesia]

Another thought is that sometimes when you change and become more assertive people who are not used to that get rattled and upset. It's more about the change than the words. I saw this happen with Ds this week when he stood up to an old friend. This boy is used to being the alpha male and he absolutely flew off the handle calling Ds names and going on about how he always has his friends backs and no one has his back, etc. It was crazy.

[SproutMamaK]

zoobie: Good point, lol!  It wasn't an offensive "I" statement.  It was an, "I'm not going to do X because I see things from Y perspective and Z results may happen."  sort of thing.  It was franker than I typically communicate, but I have had a decades long habit of communicating by adopting other people's opinions; I'm trying to be a little healthier these days.  Hope that clarifies!

 

I'll be a bit a dissenter here, since you said this was about parenting decisions that affect how you (and I'm assuming the person with whom you were communicating) do an activity. The "and Z results may happen" can be tricky to phrase properly. Ie, a "helicopter Mom" might say "I prefer to watch my children directly when they play because I feel it's important for me to teach them the skills necessary to interact with others in a positive way," OR they could say, "I watch my kids on the playground because most kids act like hooligans and I won't have *my* kids behaving that badly!" Conversely, a free-range parent might say "I like to give my kids space to learn on their own because I believe it's important for their devlopment to learn how to work out problems on their own and get a taste of independence," OR they could say, "I Let my kids play on their own because all these kids who never get freedom are going to get older and have no clue how to take care of themselves and rebel in college and become hooligans because they have no idea how to control themselves or make their choices."

 

When you're talking with people about their reasoning for your choices, especially if they disagree with you, and ESPECIALLY on parenting issues where it related to the fibre of their being and their dreams for their children... well, hackles are bound to be raised already, and any hint of negative language regarding the consequences of their parenting on their children is very likely to be taken as an affront. You say that you're new to asserting yourself, and that this isn't the only person who seems to have been responding this way to you lately... is it possible that in the transition from being a push-over to standing firm in your beliefs that you may have gone a bit too far over and have begun to defend your own position by (ever so slightly) maligning others' parenting or beliefs? You say that you weren't negative but that you were "frank". The line between those two is awfully blurry. If it were just one person who reacted to your new-found assertiveness badly, I'd write it off, but if it's multiple people, it may be worth examining if you may have crossed over the line from being frank in to being offensive.

Edited May 14, 2016 by SproutMamaK

[SparklyUnicorn]

Impossible to say if their reaction is warranted, but I would be inclined to seriously wonder if this is happening with more than one person. 

 

In terms of apologies, well I often apologize just to make peace with someone.  Maybe I don't particularly regret what I said, but I regret that it caused problems.  So I just say sorry. 

Edited May 14, 2016 by SparklyUnicorn

[TammyS]

It doesn't sound to me like you did anything wrong.  Some people are just emotionally fragile and can't handle someone with a differing opinion.  Especially when it comes to parenting area decisions they take anything that you do/say/think that is different from them as an indictment on their parenting, even if you were only talking about yourself and not even thinking about their parenting.  People like that need to grow up.   I wouldn't try to tip-toe around them or tone myself down with people like that, either.  You'll never get it right, but you will make yourself crazy.  Just let them think whatever they are going to think.  If you want to do anything at all (which I wouldn't, I would just drop it) I would work on making statements about how you say what you mean, but nothing more is implied, and you'd really prefer if people not attempt to read your mind.

 

My sister once threw a fit when I was going to take her son and mine to a water park the next day and her son was spending the night with us because we were getting up early the next morning.  When she dropped him off at 9pm, I sent him off to get ready for bed (the boys were like 6 or 7 at the time) and then she started telling me that she had told him that he could stay up until 11p.  I told her that we were leaving early (which she knew already) and that I really needed the boys to get into bed and get into bed myself soon after.  She WENT OFF.  The next thing I knew there were phrases about "not everyone is perfect like you" and "not everyone wants to homeschool their kids" and "not everyone is religious", etc. and when she stopped screaming (well, she never really stopped screaming) she grabbed her son and left.  None of that was about me or what I said.  That was about her taking a very minor point of disagreement as an indictment against her as a parent.  Some people just do that and there is really nothing you can do to avoid unless you are willing to be a doormat and make yourself very, very small in conversation.

[ThisIsTheDay]

This isn't an isolated incident with this person, but I've also noticed some other people respond similarly--as if I'm arguing when I think I'm simply presenting my (differing) perspective.  I know I'm not using nasty tones or language, but I'm open to the possibility that my phrasing could be improved.

 

I agree that this is key right here, and I have two people close to me say something similar to me. I'm very matter of fact and it can be seen as overbearing(?) I guess.

 

You want to keep the friendship. I'd be frank: "I'm sorry that I came across poorly when we last spoke.  It wasn't my intention. I am realizing that I can come across poorly, that it's something I need to work on. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings."

 

:grouphug:

[elegantlion]

As someone who used to be more comfortable communicating in writing, I've went through a lot of communication studies (informal) to get better at being upfront  (confrontational if needed) while being tactful. 

 

Things I would examine about myself: 

 

Communication is also about body language. Am I presenting myself in a way that is more intimidating than I mean? Standing too close, gesturing, facial expressions too tense, not smiling or making eye contact, or making too much eye contact?

 

A weird recommendation is to watch shows or read books that show people communicating that disagree and still function together. I've been watching Downton Abbey lately (finally started watching) and I like how they show people who have conflicts still working alongside each other - obviously that is scripted and most characters understand the "rules"  of communicating. 

 

Two books that helped me initially were How to win friends and Influence People (ignore the sales-y title) and How to have Confidence and Power in Dealing with People (again ignore the title). It's been years since I've read these, but I remember both helping me to learn to be more assertive in conversation without coming across as aggressive. 

 

To this day, I practice conversing before I do anything confrontational. I'll even stand in front of the mirror and watch my own body language and posture. 

[Plateau Mama]

 

So apologizing for the offense but not admitting fault isn't backhanded?  I do want to keep this relationship positive!  And hopefully close, though I can't completely control that.

Why would you admit fault if you weren't wrong? You can apologize for upsetting them but your opinion is your opinion and isn't wrong, (unless you decide it's wrong.)

 

"I'm sorry you were upset by my opinion the other day. I hope we can still be friends even though we disagree on this subject."

[Anne in CA]

Definitely there is a trend toward less direct communication in society. I worked in a large hotel before we owned the restaurant and we had to communicate directly, but lots of people are not mentally flexible enough for direct communication. They want consider calm directness to be rude even if someone is using a calm tone and being logical. My oldest is like this and she is often upset that she is not considered a leader at work or in college, but passive aggressive stuff rules out leadership. I've had lots of people work for me that are so passive aggressive that they cannot be left in charge of anything. They never know why they aren't management material either. It's very sad.

[wintermom]

  It wasn't an offensive "I" statement.  It was an, "I'm not going to do X because I see things from Y perspective and Z results may happen."  sort of thing.  It was franker than I typically communicate, but I have had a decades long habit of communicating by adopting other people's opinions; I'm trying to be a little healthier these days.  Hope that clarifies!

 

If you limit your part of the conversation to, "My children and I are not going to do X," you will probably be much better off. There is no need for explanation. It just opens up an opportunity for debate, which you've said doesn't go well with this person. If doing thing X is mandatory in this group, then you should consider leaving the group.

 

I wouldn't draw attention to things by apologizing, and I would take more care to phrase things you plan to do, or will not do, as simple statements, and do not attach an explanation. If pressed about why, don't go there, just stick to the simple statement. 

Edited May 14, 2016 by wintermom

[hornblower]

I wonder if it's something like I experienced: 

In my case, I had several instances where arguments arose because I decided to homeschool a different way. I know I wasn't trying to convince anyone else to do it my way, but at the same time, when they were discussing their thing, I would say stuff to indicate that I had veered off to another way of doing things. With a couple people it didn't go over well because people seemed to take that as a critique of what they were doing.  

20/20 hindsight, I should have just shut up, nodded at their comments & done my own thing. I thought it was a safe place to discuss alternatives & share how we were growing and changing our approaches but it wasn't. I think if you're very confident and articulate and explain things really well (& sometimes I was just thinking out loud about things I'd read and how they resonated with me etc) it's seen as lecturing.   

I don't think it's all or nothing. You don't have to adopt the other person's viewpoint. But you don't actually have to say your own either, kwim?  You can just be silent and mysterious lol  I talk WAAY too much & I finally figured out in my 30's that I should just be quiet more. That's my personal #1 conflict resolution thing IRL. I shut up. 

I speak up about big social justice issues but I don't expect to stay friends with someone with whom I disagree about human rights and justice.  Pretty much everything else I try to let slide as much as I can & discuss only with safe people - people who either share similar views or people who are ok hashing out completely different pov's without getting their hackles up. 

 

[Guest]

It doesn't sound to me like you did anything wrong. Some people are just emotionally fragile and can't handle someone with a differing opinion. Especially when it comes to parenting area decisions they take anything that you do/say/think that is different from them as an indictment on their parenting, even if you were only talking about yourself and not even thinking about their parenting. People like that need to grow up. I wouldn't try to tip-toe around them or tone myself down with people like that, either. You'll never get it right, but you will make yourself crazy. Just let them think whatever they are going to think. If you want to do anything at all (which I wouldn't, I would just drop it) I would work on making statements about how you say what you mean, but nothing more is implied, and you'd really prefer if people not attempt to read your mind.

 

My sister once threw a fit when I was going to take her son and mine to a water park the next day and her son was spending the night with us because we were getting up early the next morning. When she dropped him off at 9pm, I sent him off to get ready for bed (the boys were like 6 or 7 at the time) and then she started telling me that she had told him that he could stay up until 11p. I told her that we were leaving early (which she knew already) and that I really needed the boys to get into bed and get into bed myself soon after. She WENT OFF. The next thing I knew there were phrases about "not everyone is perfect like you" and "not everyone wants to homeschool their kids" and "not everyone is religious", etc. and when she stopped screaming (well, she never really stopped screaming) she grabbed her son and left. None of that was about me or what I said. That was about her taking a very minor point of disagreement as an indictment against her as a parent. Some people just do that and there is really nothing you can do to avoid unless you are willing to be a doormat and make yourself very, very small in conversation.

 

Ah-yup. BTDT. Not the most fun ever.

[SKL]

It doesn't sound to me like an apology is needed.  It sounds like a "least said, soonest mended" kind of situation.  Hard to say for sure from the info given.

 

Going forward, I would try to say the shortest answer that gets the needed info across.

 

For example, "we don't do xyz on Sundays, sorry" would be better than "we don't do xyz on Sundays because we feel that's the Lord's day and ___."

 

You don't have to give an explanation for every decision you make.  Sometimes the more you say, the more you potentially offend.  :)

[TranquilMind]

I can't make this too detailed, but I had a conversation with someone close to me which while I knew I upset the other party, I didn't define as an argument.  They did (as in, I'm trying to change their mind), and they felt disrespected.  I am confident I didn't say anything nasty, negative, or with an aggressive tone.  I made a frank statement, though, from a drastically differing viewpoint (with "I" phrasing).  The application of this discussion directly affects how my children participate in a certain activity, so it wasn't just idle opinion swapping.  (Think about how different perspectives lead to different homeschooling methods or different levels of parental permission; same concept here).

 

This isn't an isolated incident with this person, but I've also noticed some other people respond similarly--as if I'm arguing when I think I'm simply presenting my (differing) perspective.  I know I'm not using nasty tones or language, but I'm open to the possibility that my phrasing could be improved.  I also realize that perhaps it's a temperament thing on the other person's part and I need to be more careful if/when I recognize it.  I'd like to find the balance between throwing "me" all over people and being a silent doormat or just adopting the other person's view (I used to do that on everything).

 

So I'm wondering if there's a way to apologize for the result, without sounding backhanded?  Or if I should just drop it?  We see each other regularly.  And if anyone has any favorite resources on conflict resolution or just generally how to communicate clearly and neutrally, I'd love for you to share.

 

I believe you can always find something honest for which you can apologize in a discussion gone wrong.

"I'm sorry sharing X upset you.  I really am not arguing, but merely presenting a different opinion, and I hope we can do that with each other."

 

"I'm sorry that we seem to be at odds and hope we can agree to disagree."

 

"I'm really sorry that our discussion the other day upset you and consider you a friend.  I hope we can get past this."

[JumpyTheFrog]

Maybe I am cynical, but I believe that most people don't really want your (general you) opinion about anything other than trivial stuff, even if they say they do. So if they ask about the new pizza shop, sure, say the service was slow. Anything much deeper than that can lead to trouble. I have better results either keeping my mouth shut or being vague.

[EMS83]

I guess I'll just see if things seem awkward the next time we see each other?  I appreciate all the input!  I know it's not the best information to go on, I'm sorry.  I'll chew on it all; I have several days to mull it over.  

I'll check out the books mentioned, too.  I definitely want some way to be able to be sensitive without losing myself in the process.

 

I'm all ears for anything else!  :)

[Ellie]

I'll be a bit a dissenter here, since you said this was about parenting decisions that affect how you (and I'm assuming the person with whom you were communicating) do an activity. The "and Z results may happen" can be tricky to phrase properly. Ie, a "helicopter Mom" might say "I prefer to watch my children directly when they play because I feel it's important for me to teach them the skills necessary to interact with others in a positive way," OR they could say, "I watch my kids on the playground because most kids act like hooligans and I won't have *my* kids behaving that badly!" Conversely, a free-range parent might say "I like to give my kids space to learn on their own because I believe it's important for their devlopment to learn how to work out problems on their own and get a taste of independence," OR they could say, "I Let my kids play on their own because all these kids who never get freedom are going to get older and have no clue how to take care of themselves and rebel in college and become hooligans because they have no idea how to control themselves or make their choices."

 

When you're talking with people about their reasoning for your choices, especially if they disagree with you, and ESPECIALLY on parenting issues where it related to the fibre of their being and their dreams for their children... well, hackles are bound to be raised already, and any hint of negative language regarding the consequences of their parenting on their children is very likely to be taken as an affront. You say that you're new to asserting yourself, and that this isn't the only person who seems to have been responding this way to you lately... is it possible that in the transition from being a push-over to standing firm in your beliefs that you may have gone a bit too far over and have begun to defend your own position by (ever so slightly) maligning others' parenting or beliefs? You say that you weren't negative but that you were "frank". The line between those two is awfully blurry. If it were just one person who reacted to your new-found assertiveness badly, I'd write it off, but if it's multiple people, it may be worth examining if you may have crossed over the line from being frank in to being offensive.

 

Well said!