3 ladybugs Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 Everyone was so helpful as I got ready for this visit in the last few months. I thought I would let you know that they get in today. I have all sorts of emotions about this visit. My husband and I have done as much as we can to prepare ourselves for this. He will be taking half days all week to deal with them. I will get them from the airport today. For those that don't remember my story, I am the one that had the MIL say that she wanted to have a family compound in a few years. I am also the one that has the autistic BIL who still lives with his parents. I am taking the Hive's advice and not going to talk about houses. However I will offer to show them neighborhoods as I know realtors can't disway anyone from any neighborhoods. I also recently found out politics really is off the table too. Normally that was an easy go-to topic for discussion. I am debating on taking my sewing stuff out of the basement where they will be staying, and putting it in my older son's room for me to have an out if needed. Not ideal and I hate the thought of moving it, but at least I could get away if need be. DH is taking the big lead on talking to his parents about everything. I will be in the background. It is only a week right? I am just glad that both my parents use text messaging so if I feel like I need to talk to someone I can text them. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 You may want a midweek evening break. Sort of something to look forward to if you need to get and regroup. Can you say you have a church mothers group that meets 7-9pm on xxx night. And then meet a friend that night or even just go to a mall. If home is not terribly oppressive you can say you are skipping the event that night and stay home. It's just an opportunity built into the week to let the pressure valve off. Good luck! 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 Are they going to be staying in your house, or in a hotel? Can you make a list of errands so that you have some reason to be out for at least part of everyday while your husband is at work? If they aren't doing it for themselves, I urge you to rent them a car for the week so they can go out (away from you) on their own. If you think they are safe people, maybe you can give them a list of suggestions of things to go do with the kids (zoo or something). 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkTulip Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 My in-laws come a lot, and although they are nice people with good intentions, they are very hard for my introverted personality to deal with. I always plan 2-3 nights where I have "Book Club" or something, and a few days of errands or something. Like other posters said, it gives you an out and a much-needed break, even if "Book Club" is some time at the local bookstore or library. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashfern Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 :grouphug: Good luck. My IL's usually only stay 2-3 days and we're all ready to kill each other by the end of day 2. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Marmalade Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 A whole week?! Bless your heart! I agree that you need some errands or distractions that you can do or not do as needed. They also usually like to take the kids to a movie. The kids like that because they don't have to pay for it, and it's also time where they are not getting badgered with a million questions about everything. So it's a few hours of peace for all of us. But we only have to make it through 3 days! A week! :scared: You come here to vent as needed. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamiof5 Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 What about planning an evening out by yourself? Treat yourself for dinner, read a book somewhere, window shop, run errands you have had pending? Whatever you'd like to do? It'd also give them quality time with their son. Good luck!!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 They probably mostly want to spend time with their son and grandkids. You're there in the mix, but it's not the same as wanting to see their son. So, when you dh is home with them, that's when you can probably have a dentist appointment that you can't break, need to pick up some things for dinner at the store, etc. They'll be happy being with their son, you'll be happy being away for a bit. Your dh gets a break when he goes to work. Are they going to want any alone time? Or are they complete extroverts? I wonder if they're thinking the same thing, "Oh dear. We are staying for a week. When will we have down time?" I wonder if you could let them know that if they want to go out together on the town (movie or dinner) that you guys will be ok with that. You can say, "If you guys need some quiet time without the hustle and bustle of a family, we'll understand." This only matters if they are staying in your house and not a hotel. If they are in a hotel, then they'll have their own downtime. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3 ladybugs Posted May 10, 2016 Author Share Posted May 10, 2016 (edited) They normally go with the flow as long as it is on west coast time, type of people. I live on the east coast. In the past I have let them do their thing and sewed to get away when needed. So I might have to move the sewing area. They are staying in my basement where I have a playroom/sewing area/everything else. Other then that I will be spending time with them all the time. MIL I don't think will want to talk to me alone unless it is to try to get me on her side to plot against DH, like last time. Last time she went with me to the store under the guise of saying she needed things (she is diabetic, we have learned the hard way to keep very little food in the house as they like to eat out) and then told me about the whole family compound thing. She even told me not to tell DH, which I then told him ASAP. So she might try something like that again. Not sure. I know she is going to need "her" water right away and we are out. She doesn't like that we drink filtered or spring water in the house and not tap water. So I may just go out before I need to get them to get that. As far as other things to do to get a break from them, I am still nursing. So he is ALWAYS my out. He is nearly 3 so he doesn't nurse often but he does nurse enough for me to have an out. I also got into a new series (to me) on Netflix so I can watch that in another room too. I also plan on taking a walk in the morning to talk to my mom on her way to work everyday. I talk to her normally every morning at that time, so this would be only different because I would be out of the house. I just hope it isn't too cold. I thought it was going to warm up this week! ETA My oldest has self esteem issues (family trait, I was the same way as a child), and MIL likes to point out his flaws as a way to "improve" him. I have been working with him for weeks to control things that are normal kid things, but she would take as a sign as something else. So I don't want to leave my children alone with them at all. I have already told my son that he can come up to me and say that he "wants to go for a walk" and have that be his out to talk about anything he needs to. Edited May 10, 2016 by 3 ladybugs 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 :grouphug: I would avoid being alone with her...and keep them from any alone time with the children. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 Other then that I will be spending time with them all the time. Gosh, do you have to? Can't you schedule some errands, the kind that she wouldn't want to come on (get your hair done? change the oil in the car? medical check ups? )? Take the kids to a half day (the half that your dh is working) daycamp an hour away that you are running (with just you and the kids)? I'm an introvert and I need my home to be a "safe space away from the world". Your post made me feel like I would have an actual panic attack. Then I realized, I just wouldn't have problem people in my home, at all. So you're a better person than I am. I hope you will do as much as you can to give yourself space away from them. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BooksandBoys Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 My in-laws usually come stay with us for a full week whenever they visit. It is, umm, challenging. I definitely recommend a mid-week escape just for you, as Diana suggested. I make it a priority to hide in my room for an hour during the kids' quiet time every afternoon just to read. I must recharge away from my MIL. To that end, yes, I encourage you to make the effort to move your sewing supplies. Hugs and good luck!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3 ladybugs Posted May 10, 2016 Author Share Posted May 10, 2016 Well I have had my first hiccup from their trip and they are not even here yet! I wanted my son to take out the recycling. Something he does every so often. Well in an effort to keep the house clean I had him go out the back door and not the front. This made it so I had to open the gate, that he didn't close, and I let the dog out and he got to the next door house. It could have been worse but my neighbor didn't recognize him so she call the number on his tag and then put him back in our backyard. I was in the kitchen the WHOLE time! Well he is at my feet right now and will stay inside till my DH comes home. I feel awful though! I can't believe I didn't think to check the gate! I am going to go move my sewing now. At least the baby got educated today. The older one is refusing. Grrr!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Professormom Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 (edited) Good luck to you:-). I know this won't be easy, but you have some good escapes in place. Keep this phrase tucked in your head, "I really wouldn't know how to respond to that. You can bring it up to Dh tonight at dinner. Hey, look at that (cake, platter, flying duck :D )" This may help if she tries to back you into a corner on a scheme. Edited May 10, 2016 by Professormom 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted May 11, 2016 Share Posted May 11, 2016 Also remember that you can have a drink date with any one of us any night this week............ you're drinking whatever you want (coffee, tea, wine) from some booth somewhere while you are on the WTM talking to us, it's a date! And I for one will provide any alibi needed. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamakelly Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 Hope your week goes well. ITA with the others who said make some "appointments" for yourself for this week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamiof5 Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 Hope things are going well!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3 ladybugs Posted May 13, 2016 Author Share Posted May 13, 2016 They are not saying much. I have taken the back seat approach to talking to them about things. Sadly MIL mentioned something today and my DH was there (3rd row of the minivan, she was the front passenger) and DH didn't say anything! What I know right now: She thinks it will cost $40,000 to move from Washington to New Jersey. That is just moving expenses. I think they may be going with the company that dips the items in gold leaf before wrapping them! My mom moved from Washington to Florida and didn't pay even half that (granted that was 20 years ago, and mom downsized before moving, but still!). No date that they would come out. BIL will not fly for a visit, but is open to moving, according to them. She doesn't want us living with them right away, just after one of them dies to "help out". She suggested since the house would be in our name (not sure what that would do to our credit but the house would be paid for), that we either rent out our house or have BIL move into it. We are not moving, especially since by that point my mother is likely to be in our basement. I have decided to ignore this as it isn't worth fighting over right now. She is looking at houses of the same size as her current house because she thinks that is how they would avoid capital gains on selling their house. I have been through this with my mom and know that it is the value of the house (sell house for X purchase house in new location for as close to X as possible), not the size, unless something has changed in the last 20 years (which is possible). Not much else has been talked about. So we will see. Hopefully DH will talk to his parents tonight and go through his concerns. They haven't been mentioned yet. Oh and there is talk that she may come out with FIL for a week then stay 3 weeks next time. That would be interesting. I should also add that I have a GREAT relationship with my parents but if either of them came out for 3 weeks I would likely have a hard time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 You know what they call people who don't say anything when the in-laws start talking about moving in? Roommates! 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SproutMamaK Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 Why are you letting them talk about all these plans and not saying anything? They need to know that it's not going to happen. You need to start sticking up for yourself and putting your foot down or you will find your family living with them full time and taking care of your brother in law simply because you were so scared to stand up to them that you are willing to give up your family's entire plan for the future. I don't mean to sound harsh, but seriously.... it's time to put your foot down and SAY something. Tell them it's not going to happen, and stop sitting there letting them tell you how it's going to be without teling them otherwise! Letting them develop all these ideas and start making plans around them is not fair to you, and it's not fair to them. 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 She doesn't want us living with them right away, just after one of them dies to "help out". She suggested since the house would be in our name (not sure what that would do to our credit but the house would be paid for), that we either rent out our house or have BIL move into it. We are not moving, especially since by that point my mother is likely to be in our basement. I have decided to ignore this as it isn't worth fighting over right now. Is anyone setting her straight when she prattles on about these plans? May I respectfully suggest that NOW is exactly the time to hash this out? Once the wheels are in motion it will be harder and harder to roll things back. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MegP Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 It is unkind to her to let her think that you are going to move in with her. By your silence, you are telling her that her plans work great for you. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3 ladybugs Posted May 13, 2016 Author Share Posted May 13, 2016 Talked to DH tonight while putting the kids to bed. He says there is going to be a "big" talk and he will say something then. He did mention some of the things he is concerned about when I was elsewhere in the house. He said he didn't get far as he was 1 on 1 with his mom and wanted his father there as well. I am not sure when the big talk will be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MegP Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 I don't at all understand how or why you and DH have allowed it to get this far in the first place. Why have you not told her no, like months ago? How does it benefit you or anyone else to continue to let her think that you are going to all live on some compound together when you have no desire to live with them? I am really confused about the whole situation. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storygirl Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 I agree that your husband needs to be straight with them. Also, be wary about accepting ownership of any new house unless you talk to an attorney or tax professional first to find out how it will accept your finances. That just doesn't sound like a good idea to me. I would say no to that. If they want you to have the house, they can give it to you in their will. I'm not sure their financial plans about the house are based on a good understanding of the way that things work legally. Make sure that you understand it completely before agreeing to something like that. Better yet, don't agree. Keep your finances separate. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamakelly Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 I just don't understand. It's not hard to say, "Oh that's so sweet of you, but we aren't going to be moving and you can't live with us. Pass the bean dip." Repeat- as many times as needed. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 I can see how hard this is, but it's just going to get harder and harder the longer you let this go on. Please, set them straight right away. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 "You keep mentioning that you're planning on this, but we already said no." A big discussion will not be helpful. Just "That is not possible. No." "Once again, that is not our plan. No." "No, we are not planning on that." You can't stop them from moving near their own grandchildren but you can absolutely stop them from planning on making you their caregivers. "MIL, you're right to plan for retirement. But we are not going to have a carer here. We will help the survivor find a place in a nice retirement community or something, or help you hire someone to help. But there is no room for another person here." (That is assuming that your DH and you are okay with providing that level of support of course. I know I would be. But it's up to you. I think it's helpful to provide a positive alternative. What CAN you do? Offer that.) 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 I remember your previous thread on this too... :grouphug: to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 They are not saying much. I have taken the back seat approach to talking to them about things. Sadly MIL mentioned something today and my DH was there (3rd row of the minivan, she was the front passenger) and DH didn't say anything! What I know right now: She thinks it will cost $40,000 to move from Washington to New Jersey. That is just moving expenses. I think they may be going with the company that dips the items in gold leaf before wrapping them! My mom moved from Washington to Florida and didn't pay even half that (granted that was 20 years ago, and mom downsized before moving, but still!). No date that they would come out. BIL will not fly for a visit, but is open to moving, according to them. She doesn't want us living with them right away, just after one of them dies to "help out". She suggested since the house would be in our name (not sure what that would do to our credit but the house would be paid for), that we either rent out our house or have BIL move into it. We are not moving, especially since by that point my mother is likely to be in our basement. I have decided to ignore this as it isn't worth fighting over right now. She is looking at houses of the same size as her current house because she thinks that is how they would avoid capital gains on selling their house. I have been through this with my mom and know that it is the value of the house (sell house for X purchase house in new location for as close to X as possible), not the size, unless something has changed in the last 20 years (which is possible). Not much else has been talked about. So we will see. Hopefully DH will talk to his parents tonight and go through his concerns. They haven't been mentioned yet. Oh and there is talk that she may come out with FIL for a week then stay 3 weeks next time. That would be interesting. I should also add that I have a GREAT relationship with my parents but if either of them came out for 3 weeks I would likely have a hard time. Personally, I think your DH is handling this the right way. People talk about a lot of things that never come to pass. Let her talk. Let her spend hours upon hours looking at houses online. No harm. I wouldn't say anything until they start asking you for commitments or if they do things which they believe will commit you. Yeah, they'll be angry, but they would be angry no matter when you brought it up, so I would kick that can down the road as far as it will go, because chances are nothing more than talk is ever going to come of this. No, just no, not ever to the 3 week visit. But again, until they are actually wanting to schedule it, I would ignore. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 Personally, I think your DH is handling this the right way. People talk about a lot of things that never come to pass. Let her talk. Let her spend hours upon hours looking at houses online. No harm. I wouldn't say anything until they start asking you for commitments or if they do things which they believe will commit you. Yeah, they'll be angry, but they would be angry no matter when you brought it up, so I would kick that can down the road as far as it will go, because chances are nothing more than talk is ever going to come of this. No, just no, not ever to the 3 week visit. But again, until they are actually wanting to schedule it, I would ignore. But by letting them talk and not setting things straight, it DOES give the impression that the plans are OK. That's not right or fair to either party. Kicking the can down the road gives MIL two reason to be angry: (1) that they won't go along with what she wants and (2) that they allowed her fantasy to get out of control because they didn't give her a reality check. I think I remember from the other thread that the in-laws have been told "no" before but that the message isn't sticking. That's why it needs consistent, firm (but kind) reinforcement with language such as Tsuga mentioned. And if MIL still doesn't get it, she needs to be (nicely) shut down when she brings the topic up. Every time. The OP sounds like a sweet person. I would hate see see her stuck with a situation she and her DH clearly don't want just because the situation was allowed to remain fuzzy. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 OP, I'm sorry. It sounds like your MIL is one of those people who won't pick up on subtle clues or hints. She's going to need you to hit her over the head with this, isn't she? (Or DH, as the case may be.) I do think that hit needs to happen sooner, rather than later, too. But I've learned from watching my own in laws that sometimes the approach of letting them plan ceaselessly for awhile leads to things fizzling out. So the PP who suggested that could be onto something - it's just contrary to my instincts, and apparently lots of others' too! Could you or DH find a way to discuss some assisted living homes in the area, and introduce those as an option for when one in law passes? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 But by letting them talk and not setting things straight, it DOES give the impression that the plans are OK. That's not right or fair to either party. Kicking the can down the road gives MIL two reason to be angry: (1) that they won't go along with what she wants and (2) that they allowed her fantasy to get out of control because they didn't give her a reality check. I think I remember from the other thread that the in-laws have been told "no" before but that the message isn't sticking. That's why it needs consistent, firm (but kind) reinforcement with language such as Tsuga mentioned. And if MIL still doesn't get it, she needs to be (nicely) shut down when she brings the topic up. Every time. The OP sounds like a sweet person. I would hate see see her stuck with a situation she and her DH clearly don't want just because the situation was allowed to remain fuzzy. I disagree. She's been told once that the answer was "no". After that continuing to argue about it just gives them permission to harass you about it. You should never have to say "no" more than once to anything. After that you are just being badgered. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 Talked to DH tonight while putting the kids to bed. He says there is going to be a "big" talk and he will say something then. He did mention some of the things he is concerned about when I was elsewhere in the house. He said he didn't get far as he was 1 on 1 with his mom and wanted his father there as well. I am not sure when the big talk will be. Telling them he has concerns gives them hope to work through the concerns. Makes them think it can be worked out. He needs to let them know you all aren't moving in with them or vice-versa if that is what you want. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 (edited) I hope you come back and tell us how The Talk went. I'm very curious. I also have a hard time telling the in-laws no to things. They've never asked to move in, and I hope I'd be clear if they did, but I do understand having trouble confronting in-laws. Edited May 13, 2016 by Garga 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 They don't need a yes or not nfrom you to proceed with the first stage of their plan - purchasing a large home near you. Sounds like you aren't really expected to move in for some time. I think it would be really cruel to let them purchase a home and then you refuse to move in. Better to tell them before they make a purchase. Being nice and being passive are not interchangeable. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 (edited) They don't need a yes or not nfrom you to proceed with the first stage of their plan - purchasing a large home near you. Sounds like you aren't really expected to move in for some time. I think it would be really cruel to let them purchase a home and then you refuse to move in. Better to tell them before they make a purchase. Being nice and being passive are not interchangeable. They have told them in the past, well that is what the original poster has said in previous threads. This is not a new issue. Some people just refuse to listen or accept reality. It would not be cruel to allow them to buy a house when the issue has already been discussed. Edited because auto type chose disgusted instead of discussed?!?! Edited May 13, 2016 by hjffkj 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 They have told them in the past, well that is what the original poster has said in previous threads. This is not a new issue. Some people just refuse to listen or accept reality. It would not be cruel to allow them to buy a house when the issue has already been discussed. Edited because auto type chose disgusted instead of discussed?!?! Exactly. To continue talking about it just gives the impression that you are open to (at best) having your mind changed or being harassed about it endlessly. They are not children, they don't need reminders or reinforcement or guidance. They are grown ups who have been told the decision. If they choose to move forward and do something based on a fantasy (and personally, I doubt they will actually do it) that something is going to change, that's on them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 They have told them in the past, well that is what the original poster has said in previous threads. This is not a new issue. Some people just refuse to listen or accept reality. It would not be cruel to allow them to buy a house when the issue has already been discussed. Edited because auto type chose disgusted instead of discussed?!?! Maybe my memory fails, but I didn't think that OP and (more importantly, because he is their actual son) her husband have actually clearly made a bold statement of, "No, we will not be doing this." OP? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 Maybe my memory fails, but I didn't think that OP and (more importantly, because he is their actual son) her husband have actually clearly made a bold statement of, "No, we will not be doing this." OP? Maybe you are correct. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 OP, perhaps your DH could write out a letter explaining in short, explicit, polite, respectful, but very firm and very clear words that their plans are not acceptable and your family will not participate? In black and white, where they cannot "mis-remember" a conversation? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted May 14, 2016 Share Posted May 14, 2016 Personally, I think your DH is handling this the right way. People talk about a lot of things that never come to pass. Let her talk. Let her spend hours upon hours looking at houses online. No harm. I wouldn't say anything until they start asking you for commitments or if they do things which they believe will commit you. Yeah, they'll be angry, but they would be angry no matter when you brought it up, so I would kick that can down the road as far as it will go, because chances are nothing more than talk is ever going to come of this. No, just no, not ever to the 3 week visit. But again, until they are actually wanting to schedule it, I would ignore. The problem with this is that end of life discussions are really important and it sounds like they think they are doing this by informing their son of their plans to move in. "This is our plan, okay?" THey're not talking about a garden, they are talking about their plans for something that definitely WILL happen: they will get old and one of them will die and they will need help. That will come to pass. They need a plan. OP is in a tough spot. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted May 14, 2016 Share Posted May 14, 2016 (edited) Double post. Edited May 14, 2016 by Tsuga Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted May 14, 2016 Share Posted May 14, 2016 The problem with this is that end of life discussions are really important and it sounds like they think they are doing this by informing their son of their plans to move in. "This is our plan, okay?" THey're not talking about a garden, they are talking about their plans for something that definitely WILL happen: they will get old and one of them will die and they will need help. That will come to pass. They need a plan. OP is in a tough spot. I would agree, except that they were already told "No". And until the "no" sinks in, there is no useful discussion to be had, because one party will be talking about what they are doing and the other party will be fantasizing about a world in which they have badgered the other party into submission. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MegP Posted May 16, 2016 Share Posted May 16, 2016 OP, do you have an update? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamiof5 Posted May 16, 2016 Share Posted May 16, 2016 Ugh!!! Making plans that interfere with others is just not OK. I hope you can straighten things out soon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamiof5 Posted May 16, 2016 Share Posted May 16, 2016 (edited) Dp Edited May 16, 2016 by mamiof5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted May 16, 2016 Share Posted May 16, 2016 Waiting for an update. This is a tough sport for the OP. I hope that her dh was able to make his mother understand, "No, is no, is no, is no, is NO!" We have had a very hard time discussing this type of thing with dh's mom and my folks. We bought this house as our forever home and for ten years plans have hummed along. Mil bought a home six miles from us, and my parents got it in their heads we would always be here. My brother alsi purchased here the same year. But both dh and brother work in IT and things have changed a lot. Unless there is a radical upset in current management direction, they will both have one more move ahead before they retire. My brother will eventually have to go to North or South Carolina, and my dh will be in southern Michigan too far to commute. Mil is saddened but taking it in stride. She knows that she can come and stay two weeks at a time, move near us, or go to her daughter's in Florida. My folks are furious, and of course with my dad in his last year of life, mom is very emotional. She knows that we will buy a place big enough that she can live with us since her finances are very iffy, but she is claiming she will be staying put and dyjng alone. Sigh.... It is never easy. I hope the OP can get her in laws to see reality. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted May 16, 2016 Share Posted May 16, 2016 I understand crazy MILs. Hope you are surviving. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SproutMamaK Posted May 17, 2016 Share Posted May 17, 2016 bumping in hopes of an update. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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