J-rap Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 A new young couple moved in next to us last fall. They had baby twins a few months ago! We've chatted just a bit, but winters here are generally so cold and harsh, that you usually don't see neighbors from December - April. So we really haven't had a chance to get to know them. A couple nights ago, there was quite the scene at their house. Our houses are very close together and it was the first warm night so windows were open. Lots of raised voices and in the middle of the night a scream by the husband (outside, directly below our window) begging her not to leave. She left with the babies (you could hear it all, the screeching of the tires, him chasing the car down the block calling her name, etc.). He then drove off himself shortly after that. Since then, she has been back home, and he is gone. She sits on her porch with her babies, and two young men are usually in her yard working and keeping her company (I'm thinking her brothers). It seems weird not to say anything because it was obviously heard by many of us neighbors. I just don't know if I should be the motherly-type neighbor to walk over there and ask her how she's doing, if she needs any help, or if that would appear nosy and I should just leave them alone. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prairie~Phlox Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 You could befriend her, but definitely not say anything about the "incident." Unless you felt the need to call the cops, I'd probably act like it didn't happen. 18 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 I had a similar issue with two different neighbors about twenty years apart. I never said anything. My current neighbors are still together, and it has been probably 7 or 8 years, maybe longer, since she locked him out of the house, and he went around beating on doors and trying to get in. I only witnessed this scene because I was running up our street at the time, late at night. I did not know either neighbor well, so I let them have their privacy. Of course I might have made a different choice if one of them had been hitting the other, but yelling and beating on the house? Nope. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 The weather is nicer, just be friendly and go see the babies. I am sure she needs support and a friend. I would not mention it - ever. I am sure it will come up if you become friends. 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewe Mama Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 It sounds like she could use a friend. Please stop over and see her and gush over her babies. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 Maybe bring something baked, say you had some extra and thought you would drop some off for her. Talk about the babies and keep things light. She may desperately need a casual friend to just visit with for a bit. No mention of what happened, just someone not involved she can visit with. Twins are challenging anyway. And raising your first baby can be scary and stressful under the best of circumstances. I know there were days I could have used a friendly, knowledgeable friend right after DD was born but we were in a new neighborhood, too, and I just didn't know anyone. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 Yes, I'd just be kind and see how it goes. Kindness will encourage her even if she doesn't open up. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 Another vote for being kind. Kindness never hurts. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 Lol i have maybe been that person. My marriage is currently fine to wonderful 😃 leaning heavily right haha. Be a friend if youre already so inclined and shes receptive. Baby years are so so very hard for some ppl and their marriages, in about a million ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
callapidder Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 I agree with others to be friendly and make a point of being available to talk and/or listen. I don't think I'd mention that particular incident, but focus instead on just being a kind neighbor. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 (edited) Be friendly, but under no cicrumstancs would I humiliate her by revealing that I witnessed the scene. Edited May 9, 2016 by regentrude 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 Sounds like she could use an experienced older mom friend since she has baby twins. Just go over when you see her out, gush over babies, and let her know your door is open if she needs help (like if she needs someone to watch one baby while she takes the other to the doctor, etc.) You do not have to mention what your heard the other night at all. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 Agreeing with the others. I've raised my voice on occasion, and I'd be mortified if someone came over and mentioned it. I've also heard the neighbors holler/scream. (Not regularly!) I think it's pretty normal, and as long as it doesn't appear that anyone is being abused, it isn't necessary to discuss it. She *knows* you heard it and you can see he's gone. The reason is likely to be very private and you probably don't even want to know. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MEmama Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 Be friendly, but under no cicrumstancs would I humiliate her by revealing that I witnessed the scene. This. I would mortified and feel judged. Also, you don't know she needs a friend. Perhaps her porch time is respite from other people. Perhaps the yard men are a small part of a very wide and deep social network. I don't think I'd rush to any conclusions. If it's in your nature to be friendly to neighbors by all means do so. But if not, you may come off looking like a judgemental busybody. Neighbourly relationships can be regional, too. Where I live it would be very strange and off putting to have a stranger offer me food and hold my babies just because they live next door. In a different area it might be normal behaviour. Go with your heart, of course, but I wouldn't rush to conclusions based on one scene. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 No way, no how. If it happens again, you might have to, just so that they realize that they are disturbing others peace. But for now, I would let it go. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 This. I would mortified and feel judged. Also, you don't know she needs a friend. Perhaps her porch time is respite from other people. Perhaps the yard men are a small part of a very wide and deep social network. I don't think I'd rush to any conclusions. If it's in your nature to be friendly to neighbors by all means do so. But if not, you may come off looking like a judgemental busybody. Neighbourly relationships can be regional, too. Where I live it would be very strange and off putting to have a stranger offer me food and hold my babies just because they live next door. In a different area it might be normal behaviour. Go with your heart, of course, but I wouldn't rush to conclusions based on one scene. I agree with regentrude and MEmama. Deeply. If the culture in your neighborhood is such that neighbors hold babies and bring food, then by all means do it for that reason. But don't do it just because you witnessed a scene. Or because you think she needs a friend. If you feel you must do something, then make a point to be out in the yard and wave, and see if things naturally progress into baby holding and support, and a true friendship. Hoping that she's okay, and that she's getting all the support she needs. And hoping for peace in your neighborhood, too! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 (edited) nm Edited May 16, 2016 by _ ?^.. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 Just be a kind neighbor, don't mention what you heard or what you noticed. She knows that people heard. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 If you want to, then I think I'd go offer support in the context of the babies. Absolutely don't bring up the "incident." Instead say how this age was the hardest ever, twins is way more twice as hard, etc. Neighborly support, let me know if there's anything I can do, yada yada yada. Aren't the babies just perfect. Aren't babies the best, etc. and so on and so forth. And if she's standoffish, don't hold it against her. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 It sounds like she could use a friend. Please stop over and see her and gush over her babies. This! Parenting multiples brings a special kind of stress to a marriage; if she's doing it now as a single parent, that's a ton of responsibility. She could probably use a kind neighbor, if you are so inclined. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 It seems like I'm in the minority, and I may be wrong, but I would be a friend, yes, but I would say something like, it sounded like you guys were having a hard time the other night, how are you doing? If she did not want to answer I would not press, and I would continue to be a supportive presence. That's just what I would do. I have asked my neighbor if she was okay when I found her bawling, and she vented to me about some bad things that were happening- it seemed helpful to her- I do not know her that well but it seemed like the right thing. Best wishes for however you choose to handle it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 If you stop over and she becomes friendly and opens up to you, the absolute most I would say was that "There was a little commotion." If she presses you for more just smile kindly and change the subject by asking about her gorgeous children. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 I wouldn't reference the incident, but I would stop by, say how cute the babies are, then ask if she needs anything. I'd also say, "I thought you might be having a hard time right now, and want you to know if you need anything, I'm here. You can knock on my door at any hour." If things are violent, she may need a safe place to go and I'd want her to know I was offering her that. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted May 10, 2016 Author Share Posted May 10, 2016 If it's in your nature to be friendly to neighbors by all means do so. But if not, you may come off looking like a judgemental busybody. This was my concern. It is my nature to be friendly, but seeing as we haven't had the chance to get to know each other yet, I wouldn't want it to come off strange and nosy because of the timing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted May 10, 2016 Author Share Posted May 10, 2016 (edited) It seems like I'm in the minority, and I may be wrong, but I would be a friend, yes, but I would say something like, it sounded like you guys were having a hard time the other night, how are you doing? If she did not want to answer I would not press, and I would continue to be a supportive presence. That's just what I would do. I have asked my neighbor if she was okay when I found her bawling, and she vented to me about some bad things that were happening- it seemed helpful to her- I do not know her that well but it seemed like the right thing. Best wishes for however you choose to handle it. This is what I've wondered too. I of course wouldn't want to say anything if it would embarrass her or upset her more. But I wonder if it would be the elephant in the room type of thing where you both know it's there but awkwardly no one says anything. I think I'm the kind of person -- and I realize I may be in the minority -- who would prefer (if I had been the young mother) that the person just be honest and say something like, "I'm sorry about the hard time last night. Marriage with young babies is hard." And then right away move on to admiring the babies. It sounds like most people wouldn't like that approach though. Edited May 10, 2016 by J-rap 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 Maybe at most mention that babies can be hard - twin babies can take a toll on mom AND dad (true)and if she ever needs a little break or help to call on you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 Happening upon someone crying and asking if you can help is way different than bringing up a very bad incident in their lives when they are just hanging out on their stoop and they dont know you from adam, and you dont know anything about what happened or why it happened, except that something did, in fact happen. Suppose she tells you that _she_ did something truly morally reprehensible and that was what happened? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 This was my concern. It is my nature to be friendly, but seeing as we haven't had the chance to get to know each other yet, I wouldn't want it to come off strange and nosy because of the timing. I've kind of skimmed so my apologies if I'm repeating what's been said. Since you have not had a chance to really meet/get to know her, why not just use that as your reason for going over now? "Hey, now that the weather's nice I thought I'd come over and say hi." That can extend to an invitation for coffee or tea, or not. You could take cookies or something, as people often do for new neighbors, even though she's not really new anymore. I wouldn't reference the incident, talk about how hard it must be with twins/babies that age, nor would I assume she needs a friend/mentor/etc. But I don't think there can be anything wrong with getting to know a neighbor. I wish I'd been more outgoing when we moved here, and since then, when others have moved in. But I am shy/reserved and didn't push myself. Ah well, a different topic. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 (edited) Perhaps it's just the southern speaking, but I would say something. Nothing presumptive (you don't know what went down, or why, so don't presume, kwim?), but I would say something along the lines of, "Hey, I heard something going on the other night. I just wanted to stop by to let you know that I'm here if you need anything." Alongside a freshly baked good, a friendly (non-judgmental) smile, I can't imagine it would be taken as anything other than kindly. It's the kind of thing I've seen done down here before in our neighborhoods, and have done myself. She knows y'all heard the ruckus and I think trying hard to NOT mention it at all would seem a good bit more awkward. Let her know you're there if she needs anything, then sit down and ask her about her children :) Edited May 10, 2016 by AimeeM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 It seems like I'm in the minority, and I may be wrong, but I would be a friend, yes, but I would say something like, it sounded like you guys were having a hard time the other night, how are you doing? If she did not want to answer I would not press, and I would continue to be a supportive presence. That's just what I would do. I have asked my neighbor if she was okay when I found her bawling, and she vented to me about some bad things that were happening- it seemed helpful to her- I do not know her that well but it seemed like the right thing. Best wishes for however you choose to handle it. I'd hate it if someone who I barely knew did that. I'd be so embarrassed. If they were already friends, that might be okay...... but they are not. They're barely acquainted. It'd be different if she walked over to say hi and the neighbor was currently bawling. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1GirlTwinBoys Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 Just be kind and ask about the babies. Tell her if she needs anything to please ask anytime. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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