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"Mother's Day is for all women"


Moxie
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I keep seeing this sentiment and it kind of bugs me. I don't care for MD at all and we do very little but I have no problem with setting aside a day just to honor the women who do the tough work of raising kids. Am I just being an old fart??

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I am not a fan of Mother's Day just because it feels like a "Hallmark Holiday" to me.  I do think it's a painful day for many people.  I'm thinking of women who desperately want to be mothers, people who are estranged from their mothers, people who have lost their mothers, mothers who have lost children, etc.  I haven't heard of anyone saying the day should be for all women, though.  My own experience is that I had a childless aunt who was much more of a mother to me than my own mother was and I always honored her on Mother's Day even though she wasn't a mom herself.  

 

What bugs me is that there are things like Teacher Appreciation Week or School Board Appreciation Month, but mothers only get one day?  

 

Erica

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Yes, that seems a little silly to me.  And I don't really celebrate or care about mothers day.

 

Maybe we should say Admin assistant's day is for all workers?

 

As far as I can tell this is meant to make people who have lost kids, or have fertility issues, better.  I am not sure it would though.

 

 

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Mother's Day is for mothers, however you personally define them in your life. That's why it's called Mother's Day. Call me callous, but I get really annoyed when people post reminders on FB of how painful Mother's Day is for some people. Unless there is something I can actually do to help you, why do you need to try to make me feel bad on Mother's Day? My husband and kids celebrate me on Mother's Day. I celebrate my two mothers, my mother-in-law, and a mother figure in my life. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

 

I never see people make guilt-inducing Father's Day posts.

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I think there are a lot of complicated emotions tied up with Mother's Day for a lot of women for a lot of different reasons. I'll celebrate it or not the way I want to and it's okay with me if others look at it differently.

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 Call me callous, but I get really annoyed when people post reminders on FB of how painful Mother's Day is for some people. Unless there is something I can actually do to help you, why do you need to try to make me feel bad on Mother's Day? My husband and kids celebrate me on Mother's Day. I celebrate my two mothers, my mother-in-law, and a mother figure in my life. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

 

 

I never thought about it that way.  I have had the opposite experience where so many FB friends post how special and enduring a mother's love is, but my mother is a narcissist and we've been estranged for a very long time after she was unbelievably vicious to me for years.  I don't post anything at all about moms or Mother's Day on FB, but I hate those memes because they certainly don't represent all mothers.  

 

That's wonderful that you have so many women to celebrate on Mother's Day!

 

Erica

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Mother's Day is for mothers, however you personally define them in your life. That's why it's called Mother's Day. Call me callous, but I get really annoyed when people post reminders on FB of how painful Mother's Day is for some people. Unless there is something I can actually do to help you, why do you need to try to make me feel bad on Mother's Day? My husband and kids celebrate me on Mother's Day. I celebrate my two mothers, my mother-in-law, and a mother figure in my life. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

 

I never see people make guilt-inducing Father's Day posts.

Omg, yes! "Thank you to all those men who wanted to be fathers but couldn't, to those fathers who have lost children, to all those missing their fathers today". That isn't a thing! Why can't we just be happy?!?

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Mother's Day is for mothers, however you personally define them in your life. That's why it's called Mother's Day. Call me callous, but I get really annoyed when people post reminders on FB of how painful Mother's Day is for some people. Unless there is something I can actually do to help you, why do you need to try to make me feel bad on Mother's Day? My husband and kids celebrate me on Mother's Day. I celebrate my two mothers, my mother-in-law, and a mother figure in my life. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

 

I never see people make guilt-inducing Father's Day posts.

 

Agreed.

 

Every "special" day can be painful for some people.  Actually, pretty much anything anyone can say can be painful for some people, right?  My kids didn't make National Merit Scholar but no one's worried about how painful that is for me when they post about their kids making it.  

 

(Actually, it's not painful. But I hope you (general you) get my point.)

 

Better example:  I know several single people (male and female) who would like to be married but haven't found the right person yet.  They may find it painful to see friends' engagement photos on FB.  But, they are not telling their friends to feel guilty for their happiness. 

Edited by marbel
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Omg, yes! "Thank you to all those men who wanted to be fathers but couldn't, to those fathers who have lost children, to all those missing their fathers today". That isn't a thing! Why can't we just be happy?!?

 

The reverse of that is 'why can't people stop pouring salt into other people's wounds?'

 

 

I think a better question is 'why can't we just be mature?'

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Mother's Day is for mothers, however you personally define them in your life. That's why it's called Mother's Day. Call me callous, but I get really annoyed when people post reminders on FB of how painful Mother's Day is for some people. Unless there is something I can actually do to help you, why do you need to try to make me feel bad on Mother's Day? My husband and kids celebrate me on Mother's Day. I celebrate my two mothers, my mother-in-law, and a mother figure in my life. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

 

I never see people make guilt-inducing Father's Day posts.

I couldn't just "like" this. I think it's a shame when you have to be so concerned about how any and every thing can be painful for someone that no one can enjoy a day of celebration. I just lost my mother, and it was tough getting through this first Mother's Day without her, but I certainly wouldn't expect anyone else to not enjoy their day today or any other day that might be difficult for me.

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Life is pain. Anyone saying different is selling something.

 

If I get offended every time I'm reminded of the wounds I've accumulated over my life, I'm going to live in perpetual offense.

 

Never mind that we don't have a right or even reasonable expectation of going through our days without being offended.

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Omg, yes! "Thank you to all those men who wanted to be fathers but couldn't, to those fathers who have lost children, to all those missing their fathers today". That isn't a thing! Why can't we just be happy?!?

I have my mother and my boys. I am happy. That doesn't keep me from caring about and acknowledging how Mother's Day is painful for a grieving daughter or mother or for someone whose heart is broken by not getting to be a mother or is estranged from a child.

 

I had a lovely day today. But the intensity I feel that can't compare to the intensity of the pain other women are in. You can be happy. I hope you are. But I don't feel like I need or want a 'zone' where others can't express compassion for those for whom today is especially painful.

Edited by Danestress
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If you are worried about a friend, you call them and express concern. Maybe offer to have a "not Mother's Day" day together.

 

You don't need to send a general guilt trip to every mother you know that she shouldn't be too happy lest it maybe offend someone else.

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If you are worried about a friend, you call them and express concern. Maybe offer to have a "not Mother's Day" day together.

 

You don't need to send a general guilt trip to every mother you know that she shouldn't be too happy lest it maybe offend someone else.

I didn't send anything to any mother besides my own. I doubt most of us did. Are we talking Facebook here?

 

I guess I agree that intentionally shaming people for enjoying MD is unnecessay. But if me expressing compassion for women who are struggling with a tough day makes a someone else feel guilty, they need to cope with that or just stay off Facebook if it really bothers them. I don't feel guilty enjoying my family's affection and little Mother's Day indulgences, even knowing others are hurting. But I do remember those who grieve and maybe want to say so.

Edited by Danestress
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The Facebook post that angered me was the one that encouraged moms to do something nice for their children this Mother's Day because "they are the ones who made you a mother."  The post included a template you could use to create a personalized letter for your child listing all the unique things you love about him/ her.  It also included printable labels for the homemade treats you are sure to make for you children on Mother's Day that say "It is a treat to be your mother."  

 

Maybe it is my own feelings of inadequacy and feeling unappreciated but I honestly wanted to smack the author in the head.  Usually I don't care about all the Pinterest-worthy silliness that goes on like the friend who makes themed food for every holiday or faux holiday that occurs in the calendar year.  If that is how you define good parenting, more power to ya, Sister, but for some reason the one about celebrating your child on Mother's Day made me see red.  Could there be one day free from the guilt that I am not doing enough for my children?  Apparently not.  Well, that explains my older children's problems.  I didn't let them know how special they were every Mother's Day.  I hope it is not too late to make this a special day for my younger children.   :ack2:

 

Amber in SJ

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I saw a Facebook post of a friend my dd's age- she is 23. She said that at her church they gave all women flowers because they wanted to honor single women and also married women who haven't started a family.  And dd's friend said she felt 'validated'. But...she's not a mom, she's a single college girl.   Like the poster upthread said- it feels like Little League where everyone gets a trophy. 

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I think "Mother's Day is for all women" is born out of the idea that a woman's noblest purpose is to bear and raise children. The reason we don't see a similar sentiment expressed about men is because men have a reason for existing beyond fatherhood. If you're a woman who has been taught that being a mother is the most important or wonderful role you will ever fill and you are not a mother for reasons outside your control, it is painful to get reminders of your "failure."

 

I've heard variations of "all women are mothers" in church throughout my life. This is to soften the sting because women are simultaneously told that being a wife and mother are a woman's primary responsibilities in God's plan. "But don't worry. You're still a mother even if you don't have kids of your own."

 

Personally, I believe I am more than a wife and a mother and I'd have equal value and purpose even if I had never married or had children. The problem lies in emphasizing motherhood as a universal Must for all women.

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You don't need to send a general guilt trip to every mother you know that she shouldn't be too happy lest it maybe offend someone else.

Yep. Don't enjoy your Mother's Day too much, because other women may not be enjoying it at all.

 

I dated (briefly) a guy whose mother would not acknowledge my birthday because it fell on the day her daughter had died ... 23 years prior.

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I don't know. I think it's okay to celebrate Mother's Day for mothers AND recognize that manufactured or not, it is a particularly painful day for some people. I mean, Christmas and Thanksgiving are manufactured as well. I don't think you have to do anything about it (well, unless Mother's Day IS painful for your best friend who just lost her mother or your adult daughter who just miscarried 2 weeks ago - then maybe just be a decent human being to them). I celebrated mothers' day in the usual "dinner for mom and flowers" kind of way, but I also sent a text to a friend who desperately wants a child, and that prayer has gone unanswered, and it was appreciated by her. She didn't begrudge me Mother's Day, but it was just a nice gesture on my part to take two minutes out of my "happiness" to acknowledge that it was probably a tough day for her. It doesn't take that much out of my happiness to do that. 

 

I think life is complex -- and there is a reason that holidays, not just Mother's Day, are hard for many folks. Mother's Day isn't guaranteed time off from complexity of life. Maybe I am too sensitive to others -- but I do think about how to include folks on holidays, not in some false/fake way -- if you aren't a mother, you aren't a mother (although I acknowledge a wide range of mothering anyway).  Both/and can exist. If a little text made the day easier for her as I went off to my mother's day dinner, it's a very small thing. I do see the point of the comment about Father's Day -- but, let's face it. Father's Day has different mythology and expectations around it (some would say a "lower bar"). Motherhood is idealized, while actual mothers sometimes get less support than what they really need (but that's another story). But a lot is hyped up in a consumerist society -- good flowers and jewelry are more expensive than ties. The pressure on Mother's Day is more than the Father's Day parallel holiday. Perhaps it's silly, but I certainly wouldn't heap that sentiment on someone who was truly hurting. Attack the greeting card companies if you need to attack anyone. 

 

 

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There's nothing wrong with acknowledging friends and loved ones who struggle on holidays. It's definitely the decent thing to do. But trying to dampen other people's happiness with (what can feel like) manipulative demands to not be too happy is ... not really the decent thing to do.

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I was once asked, "Do you feel guilty on Mother's Day?" When I asked why, the person replied, "Well, don't you think your kids' real mothers feel sad?"

 

Ok, first of all, who in the world thinks this is an appropriate question? Second, this person knew nothing about my kids' circumstances. And lastly, WTF? Really?

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There's nothing wrong with acknowledging friends and loved ones who struggle on holidays. It's definitely the decent thing to do. But trying to dampen other people's happiness with (what can feel like) manipulative demands to not be too happy is ... not really the decent thing to do.

I guess I don't understand where the line is, and maybe it's because I am not seeing the exact content of the kind of posts you are talking about. It seems like the manipulation can go both ways.

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Mother's day is for mothers. And no, your "fur babies" don't count.

 

But whatever, I hate this stupid holiday. I've never had a good mother's day, like ever. So dog owners and childless women can have it.

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IDK, I think "It's for all women," is a phrase said so churches can try to manipulate the women struggling with infertility or the death of a child into not giving them crap about having an over the top emotional mother's day fest every year.  Seriously, I think our church does more for mothers day than they do for adults around Christmas or Easter, or even for adults that are new to Christianity!  It's obnoxious, and people complain, and then church leaders manipulate to stop the complaining.

 

But no, it is not for all women.  It's for women who decided to become parents and who have good (or pretending to be good) relationships with their children, who didn't have fertility or relationship issues that precluded becoming parents, and who didn't have any personal tragedies that ever occurred on Mother's Day.  On the whole, I think that if you're only ever appreciated on mother's day, something is wrong.

 

I wish it would go away, personally.  I might have nearly had an Amy Chua moment of nearly rejecting a clearly half-assed gift and been really annoyed with church today though, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

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I guess I don't understand where the line is, and maybe it's because I am not seeing the exact content of the kind of posts you are talking about. It seems like the manipulation can go both ways.

Well, I have one FB friend (wife of a high school friend, I met her once) who used to post, every year, how Mother's Day was the worst day of the year and she was so upset when she looked at Facebook and saw all the Mother's Day posts because she was unable to have kids and she was so upset about it.

 

Ok, then don't look at Facebook on Mother's Day. I have a lot of sympathy for people who would like to have kids but can't (for whatever reason). But it's honestly not my responsibility to refrain from sharing my day with others who want to enjoy my happiness (and I theirs) on the one day that's set aside specifically to do so just because some other people might not like it.

 

Intetestingly, now that this woman has adopted a child, her Mother's Day Facebook posts are just like everyone else's ... It seems that she has forgotten that Mother's Day is the worst day of the year.

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it bugs me too.  but then what about the women who can't have children?  or have lost children?  we don't want to hurt their feelings . . . that's where this sentiment started.  but I did have a great-aunt who had no children of her own - but was more of a mother to some of her nieces and nephews than their own mothers.

 

the opposite saccharine MD stuff makes me want to be violently ill.  while I've come to be able to see my mother's positives - she had many shortcomings (the older I get, the older my children get, the more I see the full ramifications of those shortcomings - and I hated her for them when I was a teen.  It was a big  move for me to come to have compassion on her and love her for who she was, but I also see the other side.)

 

iow:  not all women who nurture children are mothers - and not all mothers nurtured their children.

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The Facebook post that angered me was the one that encouraged moms to do something nice for their children this Mother's Day because "they are the ones who made you a mother." The post included a template you could use to create a personalized letter for your child listing all the unique things you love about him/ her. It also included printable labels for the homemade treats you are sure to make for you children on Mother's Day that say "It is a treat to be your mother."

 

Maybe it is my own feelings of inadequacy and feeling unappreciated but I honestly wanted to smack the author in the head. Usually I don't care about all the Pinterest-worthy silliness that goes on like the friend who makes themed food for every holiday or faux holiday that occurs in the calendar year. If that is how you define good parenting, more power to ya, Sister, but for some reason the one about celebrating your child on Mother's Day made me see red. Could there be one day free from the guilt that I am not doing enough for my children? Apparently not. Well, that explains my older children's problems. I didn't let them know how special they were every Mother's Day. I hope it is not too late to make this a special day for my younger children. :ack2:

 

Amber in SJ

Are you serious???? Ugh!!!! I love my children, no doubt about it, but...really??? Hope you had a fantastic Mother's day!!! :)
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Mother's Day is for mothers, however you personally define them in your life. That's why it's called Mother's Day. Call me callous, but I get really annoyed when people post reminders on FB of how painful Mother's Day is for some people. Unless there is something I can actually do to help you, why do you need to try to make me feel bad on Mother's Day? My husband and kids celebrate me on Mother's Day. I celebrate my two mothers, my mother-in-law, and a mother figure in my life. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

 

I never see people make guilt-inducing Father's Day posts.

Thank you for this. 

It gets to me when I can't even be happy or excited about Mother's Day without somebody saying how painful it is for some or how they are glad that they choose not to celebrate a ridiculous "Hallmark Holiday." 

Whaevs.

I enjoy it. My husband enjoys it. My children enjoy it. DD14 and DH spent an entire day shopping for special meals and gifts - and DD14 woke up this morning crazy excited. 

I like Mother's Day (and Father's Day and Valentine's Day).

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Mother's day is for mothers. And no, your "fur babies" don't count.

 

But whatever, I hate this stupid holiday. I've never had a good mother's day, like ever. So dog owners and childless women can have it.

I'm sorry you have never had a good Mother's day :(
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I can see many sides of this issue. I celebrated today with my mom but only the first half. She was obviously ready to be alone when we left her. She's lost a child and her own mother. I think this day is hard when she gets gifts and phone calls/visits from her surviving children but it's obvious one is not here. 

 

She doesn't try to bring us down, though. She's active on social media too and usually has a good balance of happy and sad on this day. 

 

I do see the sad Father's Day posts. Maybe it's because it's a difficult day for me since my birthday and Father's Day are usually the same weekend and I've lost my dad. I do my best to make it great for dh and be happy but I'm sad part of the day as well because I wish I could celebrate with my own dad. 

 

 

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The Facebook post that angered me was the one that encouraged moms to do something nice for their children this Mother's Day because "they are the ones who made you a mother." The post included a template you could use to create a personalized letter for your child listing all the unique things you love about him/ her. It also included printable labels for the homemade treats you are sure to make for you children on Mother's Day that say "It is a treat to be your mother."

 

Maybe it is my own feelings of inadequacy and feeling unappreciated but I honestly wanted to smack the author in the head. Usually I don't care about all the Pinterest-worthy silliness that goes on like the friend who makes themed food for every holiday or faux holiday that occurs in the calendar year. If that is how you define good parenting, more power to ya, Sister, but for some reason the one about celebrating your child on Mother's Day made me see red. Could there be one day free from the guilt that I am not doing enough for my children? Apparently not. Well, that explains my older children's problems. I didn't let them know how special they were every Mother's Day. I hope it is not too late to make this a special day for my younger children. :ack2:

 

Amber in SJ

Pinterest mommying gone wild. No not just wild. Off the frigging cliff.

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As far as I can tell this is meant to make people who have lost kids, or have fertility issues, better.  I am not sure it would though.

 

I remember when women were given recognition in public for how many children they had, or oldest mother, or newest mother, etc - then that stopped - because,  "must not make childless women feel bad".

 

I've experienced enough in life to be of the opinion: it's not always about us, and sometimes we need to be happy for other people - even if we're crying on the inside because they have something we wish we had TOO, but dont'.  that refusing to allow honor to someone else because it makes "us" sad because of our own issues, is selfish.  'cause - it's not all about 'us'.

 

and yes - I've walked out of overly saccharine mother's day celebrations. 

 

there was one man who would give out these "booklets" to all the women about how wonderful mother's are on mother's day.  I found it patronizing.  give me dead flowers and chocolate.

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Mother's day is for mothers. And no, your "fur babies" don't count.

 

 

 

this!  a thousand times this!

 

I saw so many dogs in stores this weekend.  it was very tiresome - they are ANIMALS.  (service dogs are working dogs and I do not have a problem with them.)

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I don't have strong feelings about this, but I will say that I try to remember that not everyone who has had a baby has a child to celebrate with on Mother's Day.  If you knew a woman had lost a child, you would be considerate of that on Mother's Day.  But chances are, some people you know have lost a child and you aren't aware of it.  Or they might be working on becoming a mom, and you might not know that either.

 

I agree with just letting everyone celebrate however they feel right celebrating.  How does it matter to me?

 

My dad and sister recognized me on Mother's Day 2007, when I was in the adoption process but had neither legal nor physical custody of my kids.  I was so touched.  I hope nobody else was offended by my family's kind gestures.

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I do see the sad Father's Day posts. Maybe it's because it's a difficult day for me since my birthday and Father's Day are usually the same weekend and I've lost my dad. I do my best to make it great for dh and be happy but I'm sad part of the day as well because I wish I could celebrate with my own dad. 

 

my (and 1ds's) birthday is within a week of MD.  so, I understand that.  I'm sorry for your loss.  

 

FD has always been difficult for me because my adored father committed suicide FD weekend the year I was 12.  I have to work to make it a good day for dh as he deserves the recognition and respect.

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BTW, in my view, Mother's Day is about my mother.  It isn't really about me, until my kids are old enough to feel the way I feel about my mother.  I mean, yeah, the teachers had them make a craft for me and the aunties took them to buy cards and cake and they got excited about showing me all that (and eating the cake).  But as a mom, for me, today was pretty much like every other Sunday.  I would be fine with skipping it as far as my kids are concerned (but they want the cake!).

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I keep seeing this sentiment and it kind of bugs me. I don't care for MD at all and we do very little but I have no problem with setting aside a day just to honor the women who do the tough work of raising kids. Am I just being an old fart??

 

No, you're just being thoughtless and unkind to the many many women who have put in hours of toil as teachers, nursery heads, babysitters, and in other ways to help raise the children of others, with not a fraction of the reward mothers get.

 

I personally support International Women's Day (March 8th) over Mother's Day for this very reason.

 

I know a woman who wanted to have children then adopt but it never happened then her husband died.

 

How incredibly cruel and petty to say to someone like her, "Well it's not really for you, I did the tough work."

 

It is for this reason that I seriously, seriously dislike Mother's Day.

 

I would agree that pets don't count, but then, I just hate the whole idea of a pissing contest over how many babies you can pop out of your hoo-hah. BTW I do know one person, well met her once, who said that c-sections didn't count. YES. She said that. "So I'm not a mother?" asked another woman. "Well it's just not the same." The words I have for that woman are UNPRINTABLE.

 

"Excuse me! Excuse me! I thought you were barren? What are those flowers for, then?"

 

If you wouldn't say that aloud, then why are you posting this? A barren woman is reading it and she is in pain because of you. She read it, you know?

 

Just because she didn't have children or lost them doesn't mean she can't read and she doesn't know you think that you deserve a day and she doesn't.

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By the way, if anyone feels bad because of someone else's loss on Mother's Day, that their pain takes away from your special day, I don't know how I can help you.

 

I personally have no problem enjoying a day for me (as my children like to celebrate it) and at the same time thinking of others who can't have it. Like, having empathy for those with less is not considered a big burden for me. It's part and parcel with being a decent human.

 

Do you guys also sneer at people who post pictures of the hungry Christians suffering martyrdom in the Middle East, on Christmas? Like, "Dude, I'm SORRY you can't eat but I just don't need to hear about that on this special day when I'm supposed to be celebrating family!"

 

Wait, don't answer that. This is, after all, America. Where hating on the poor, the disenfranchised, the weak, and the sick is becoming something of a national pastime.

 

 

The Beatitudes

He said:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

 

11 â€œBlessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

 

 

Edited by Tsuga
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It depends.

 

I think Mother's Day with family at home is mostly for mums. However if something is being done through church or whatever being inclusive of those who don't have kids for whatever reason is the least thing anyone can do to mitigate a little bit of what can be a really painful time.

 

Even though I love the holiday and acknowledgment I would happily see it dropped for the sake of those with infertility or who have experienced the pain of child loss.

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IDK, I think "It's for all women," is a phrase said so churches can try to manipulate the women struggling with infertility or the death of a child into not giving them crap about having an over the top emotional mother's day fest every year.  Seriously, I think our church does more for mothers day than they do for adults around Christmas or Easter, or even for adults that are new to Christianity!  It's obnoxious, and people complain, and then church leaders manipulate to stop the complaining.

 

<snip>

 

I don't get churches that celebrate Mother's Day (or Father's Day).  I've been subjected to the flower tradition on MD - all mothers get a flower, red or white, depending on if their mom is alive or... not.  I experienced this for the first (and only) time on my first MD after my mother died in January.  Nice lady getting ready to pin a flower on me:  "and you do you still have your mother?"  Ugh. 

 

But, rant aside, I don't get MD references, special sermons, etc. I can see a mention of it during announcements or something.  But big deal, sermons focusing on it... I don't understand why churches do this. 

 

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