Feedback on my ten year old's paragraph on 9/11

[Upennmama]

I am struggling with knowing how my student is doing in writing. I am wondering what you more experienced moms and dads think of this paragraph, written by my 10 year old. Thank you. 

 

 

"If you are old enough to remember, what you were doing on September 11th 2001? Is the memory sad? Why, were you scared for those you loved? For most Americans it was very scary. This was the day that Middle-Eastern terrorists hijacked a plane and flew it into the World Trade Center. It was also the day that the Pentagon was crashed into by a hijacked plane. Still another plane was stolen on that day and the attackers were going to crash it into the White House or the Capitol building, but the brave and heroic passengers on board gave their lives to attack the terrorists. The plane crashed into a field in Shanksville, Pennsylvania. In all, these attacks killed 2,996 people and over 6,000 people were injured. These hijackers were all part of the radical Muslim terrorist anti-American group Al-Qaeda. This was a disastrous event for many Americans not only because of the fatalities but it was also symbolic. The World Trade Center attack said that those terrorists were against our wealth and economy. The pentagon attack said they were against our military and the try for our Capitol building or White House is obviously against our government. Also many thought this would keep happening.  America was in a moment of confusion and stress. Many thought this was how it was going to go on for a while. America had troops in Iraq until 2011. This was a terrifying moment for many Americans and a day of sadness."

 

[Upennmama]

32 views! Somebody help out? :) 

[freesia]

I am going to post and run for the night. There is such a wide range for ten year olds. I think your child did a great job. There are a variety of sentence openers and good detail. He also uses a hook and a clincher sentence. I would not be concerned about this child at all.

[HomeschoolingHearts&Minds]

I think as a 10-year he is doing quite well. :)

[Upptacka]

I think it is great!

[Upennmama]

Thank you! I get nervous at years end. She did edit it first.

[importswim]

I have a struggling 11 year old writer and this far surpasses anything that he'd put on paper. I'd say that you shouldn't be worried.

[AggieMama]

Great job!

[Alicia64]

Very, very good. I'm really impressed. I like how "conversational" the tone is -- that's a real skill that most adults never master.

 

This child is a writer.

 

Alley

[Tanaqui]

Thank you! I get nervous at years end. She did edit it first.

 

Thinking back to when I was in middle school... and high school... and college... well, anyway, it seems to me that convincing students they ought to edit is an uphill battle. The fact that she did this is not something to be nervous about, but another thing to be proud of!

[gypsymama]

I'm impressed! That is a beautiful passage. I think she did awesome. I agree with the other posters... no need to worry about this child's writing! :) 

[Carol in Cal.]

It's very good.   I wouldn't think it was written by a 10 year old; it has an older 'feel', perhaps because of the subject matter but perhaps because of the excellent writing.

 

 

[Shalott25]

It is a good free write.  A good paragraph has a clear structure.  To prepare your child for high school and eventually college, he needs to learn this basic structure.

 

Topic Sentence--A sentence (not a question) that is general enough it includes everything in the paragraph. Example:  September 11 was a tragic day in American history.  

Subpoint #1 that proves it was tragic.  Example:  Many innocent people died.

Support:  Discuss the people who died on the planes and on land.  

Subpoint #2 that proves it was tragic.  Example:  The terrorists attacked out economy.

Support:  Discuss the immediate and long term impact.

Subpoint #3 that proves it was tragic (optional). Example:  It caused us to enter a war overseas.

Support:  Discuss the tragic impact of the war.

Concluding Sentence--One sentence that connects back to Topic Sentence.  Ideally, it draws a conclusion or sums up what was said.  Example:  Because that event took many innocent lives, caused an long term economic problems, and initiated a costly war, it was a tragic day.  

 

Keep in mind that a paragraph has one point.  In the case above, I proved it was tragic.  Sure your one point could be Sept. 11.  Even if that were the case, you should have something you are proving about Sept. 11.  He begins with where were you?  Were you sad?  afraid?  Then he just gives facts about the event.  Nothing is about being afraid. It is why I call this a free write which is essential for getting ideas down and practicing feeling comfortable writing.  

 

If my child wrote this paragraph, I would tell him it is a great start.  He did an excellent job getting his ideas down on paper.  Then, discuss what point he is trying to make.  Finally, revise to make everything prove that one point and had a strong structure.