How would you react and respond to this? NPD related

[LarlaB]

Sibling sent this email:

 

"We would like to restore our relationship with you guys and are open to whatever path we need to go down to do that. We are well aware that things have changed in the last two years and are not certain all the reasons on your side. Are you guys interested in taking a step that direction with us?"

 

Without knowing the details trust that it is a very complicated sibling relationship involving an NPD parent and this sibling is prime enabler who has Enabled and encores NPD parents to do yucky things to us. The closest to ownership that sibling has ever gotten was to say "if I've ever done anything to hurt you, I'm sorry".

 

For our own health, We've worked hard to release and forgive but still don't want toxic yuck sucking any more of our energy.

 

We are so happy and at peace having sibling out of our lives and truly bear sibling no ill will but have ZERO interest in discussing anything. There isn't a relationship to restore and we aren't interested in spending any more energy on this person.

 

Thoughts?

[Tap]

Dear sibling #1,

 

Thank you for reaching out, It means a lot to me that you are trying to restore our relationship.  Unfortunately, I am not ready to go down that path yet. When I find that that I am ready to begin that journey, I will contact you.  

 

I hope this email finds you in good health and happiness,

Sibling #2. 

[happi duck]

If you decide to reply, I think you've already said it well in your post:

"We are at peace" with the situation and bear no "ill will" toward you.

 

I'd be concerned about 'thanking' someone in this situation or leading them on in any way. Also "no thanks, we'll call you if we change our minds" feels ripe to be used against you at some point.

 

(Hugs)

[gardenmom5]

the only thing I would say is the sibling is fulfilling a role they have been trained  for  since birth.  to call it enabling sounds like they only started this in adulthood and it was voluntary.

 

I understand the sibling probably is completely sucked in (golden children often are and rarely break free) - but they are still fulfilling role they were taught, they didn't pick it up themselves.  I had to come to that understanding with a sibling of my own when I realized she was also a victim -even though she had  "favored" status.

 

as to the letter, I'd probably be scratching my head trying to figure out what they really wanted. I might reevaluate things - then again, if I had little contact and felt that was the right choice, I might continue as they are and not worry about the letter.

 

eta: if  the decision is to continue with little/no-contact.  I would only respond to say "I got your note - I am doing well, and I hope your life is going well." and leave it at that.

Edited April 28, 2016 by gardenmom5

[G5052]

If you decide to reply, I think you've already said it well in your post:

"We are at peace" with the situation and bear no "ill will" toward you.

 

I'd be concerned about 'thanking' someone in this situation or leading them on in any way. Also "no thanks, we'll call you if we change our minds" feels ripe to be used against you at some point.

 

(Hugs)

 

Similar family situation here.

 

When I was still trying to make things better, I tried to initiate this type of thing with my sibling, and it went downhill very quickly. They wanted 100% of the control, and that was unacceptable.

 

A few times since, they've tried, but they never keep it up. Ultimately they go into old ways and decide not to have any contact with me initiated by them. They're charming if I initiate on a very surface level, but any deeper and they disappear.

 

Another relative confronted them about 18 months ago about all of this because it was affecting that relationship too. They admitted some fault and initially had more contact with that relative. Then I got an email that they were breaking contact because that relative has dementia and is mentally ill, and they've had "enough of it."  I have ongoing contact with that relative, and they are perfectly fine. We have a respectful, healthy relationship.  

 

That was always our mother's code to justify breaking contact. The other person was "mentally ill."  She used to tell all her friends that was the reason why I didn't have a relationship with her. When I showed up at my father's funeral, some of her friends were surprised because she had told them I wouldn't be there because I was in a mental hospital.

 

So I just let it is sit where it is now, which is very minimal contact. So things are best that way.

 

You might try, but only if you're prepared to back off again.

[Carrie12345]

Because it's so personal, it's hard to say when it comes to two strangers.  If it were my actual sibling, my response would be along the lines of

 

My family is in a happy, healthy place right now, and I intend to keep it that way.  I wish the same peace for you and yours.

[LMD]

What do they mean by 'things have changed'?

 

I'd probably either completely ignore it - any response feeds the drama.

Or, I'd call their bluff - I'd ask what exactly they are expecting from a relationship with me, that you're not convinced that a healthy relationship is possible. I'd need us to do at least 6 months of therapy with a psychologist of my choice, that there will be no face to face contact during this time - or whatever you would honestly need to consider this.

[SparklyUnicorn]

*delete*

 

What e-mail....don't know nothin about no e-mail... :leaving:

[Garga]

This is the sibling and not the NPD parent, so I'd drop one of the lines above that other people have written. After that, if they write back, then delete further messages.

 

Well, if they don't write back for 2 more years, you can respond to the message two years from now. But for right now, if the respond to your email, don't respond back any further.

Edited April 28, 2016 by Garga

[plansrme]

NPD mom here (my mom, not me), so I would be sure not to apologize, not to engage, not to promise to engage, not to express regret at not engaging, etc.  I would probably respond since you bear this person no ill will but limit yourself to banal pleasantries, "Hey, Sis.  Good to hear from you.  Hope all's well.  Everyone's fine here.  Please give our love to the kids."  And then I would delete and move on.  It is perfectly acceptable not to have a relationship with someone, and doing so in no way means you have hatred or bitterness towards that person.  I'm perfectly pleasant to, have no ill will towards but also have no relationship with a number of people in my circle, including people to whom I used to be close.  It's okay.

[SKL]

My interpretation of the email:

 

"I'm missing some drama in my life.  Let's sit down and stir some up."

 

If she really wants to fix things, she should start by doing enough self-examination to understand what the problem is in the first place.  And then the appropriate message to you would be an apology.

[bolt.]

I don't have any experience with manipulation and narcissism in families. From that somewhat ignorant position id probably reply with something like:

 

I want you to know that I appreciated your email. You are right that our relationship has changed. I made those choices intentionally, because changing our relationship has made it more healthy and less upsetting for me. I don't want to Go back in those changes. I don't want the relationship to be to the way it was before, so your idea of 'steps towards restoration' isn't an idea I welcome. I'm also not going to discuss my reasons with you.

 

What I'd like best is to have a warm, polite, and respectful relationship that preserves a reasonable distance between us, and keeps us all minding our own business. Steps towards that kind of a relationship include sending each other holiday and birthday cards and occasional emails about things that are superficial and positive. I'd like to keep up with each other's lives without things getting too personal. If you like, you can consider this a 'step' -- but I'm probably not going to be interested in further steps.

[TammyS]

Generally speaking, I agree with a lot of the advice given here about no/limited contact.

 

However, they did indicate "are open to whatever path we need to go down to do that".  That sounds like there might be potential.  Might be. 

 

So, if you are interested and willing to invest the resources, you might consider writing back and saying that you are also interested and would like to begin by meeting together with a therapist who can help you work up a plan to move forward.  And then just take it one step at a time and see how it goes.

 

If they are serious about being open, then there's a shot for a happy ending down the road.  If they aren't serious and just want to stir up drama, that will become quickly apparent, too, and you can just shut it down.

[amy g.]

Personally, I would not engage at all. It just isn't worth the drama.

 

I'd delete the email and go on with my day.

[Zebra]

What has been so hard in my own situation, is realizing that when the other party initiates contact it's all about them.   And I know how self-centered that comes across, but these types of situations are not normal and can't be looked at in normal ways.   Just first understand that your sister most likely has something going on that has nothing to do with you.   She needs some drama, or she's mad at your NPD parent, or someone asked about you and she felt guilty, or who knows what.   I highly doubt this is about her actually wanting to restore your relationship.

 

I would either ignore her, or give some sort of banal reply.   She may reply to you angrily because you didn't do what she wanted, and that I would definitely ignore.

[texasmama]

"Our situation at present is working out well for our family.  We wish you the best,"

[goldberry]

"Our situation at present is working out well for our family.  We wish you the best,"

 

I like this.  You can add, we don't bear you any ill will, but...

 

Short and sweet.

[PrairieSong]

I'd either ignore and delete or reply with something short and direct like texasmama's reply.

 

Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk

[Seasider]

"Our situation at present is working out well for our family. We wish you the best,"

Direct, short and sweet.

 

I would also anticipate her reply. It's possible that another plea will follow even your direct response. Perhaps a future message will reveal truer/more detailed reasons she's initiating contact. At that point you could either then start the delete/ignore process, or, if the plea is valid, decide then how to engage. But tread lightly for now.

[kroe1]

Why is this a question? You said you were happy without the sibling in your life. Do not respond to the email.

[mathnerd]

Personally, I would not engage at all. It just isn't worth the drama.

 

I'd delete the email and go on with my day.

BTDT. I have had the emailer "confront" me through a relative that I did not respond on purpose to her texts and emails. I always say that I get 100's of emails in a day (true) and a ton of text (not true) and I probably missed them. I don't want drama and I don't want the relative to carry my "reasons" back to the emailer and prolong the episode of blaming me nor do I want to make the emailer "fix" any problems that I have with them and then try to contact me again. 

 

If you cut off someone before for good reason, then your life is better off without them. Even if they changed, the relationship is not going to be without strain because of the history. So, ignore, delete and move on is my advise.

[Chris in VA]

I don't think my parents have NPD, so probably my situation is very different.

I am estranged from my brother, and have long wanted to change that, but I am very afraid of his rejection. He has already rejected me, but if I don't engage in trying to repair the relationship, then I can sort of be in denial--if I try and he very specifically rejects me, I am going to hurt even more.

So I don't try.

 

I would be heartbroken if I reached out and he told me he didn't want me in his life, point blank.

 

Again, as I said, perhaps this is totally different than your sib's situation.

 

I do appreciate your sharing your post, because maybe that's how my brother feels about me.

[Pam in CT]

I don't think my parents have NPD, so probably my situation is very different.

I am estranged from my brother, and have long wanted to change that, but I am very afraid of his rejection. He has already rejected me, but if I don't engage in trying to repair the relationship, then I can sort of be in denial--if I try and he very specifically rejects me, I am going to hurt even more.

So I don't try.

 

I would be heartbroken if I reached out and he told me he didn't want me in his life, point blank.

 

Again, as I said, perhaps this is totally different than your sib's situation.

 

I do appreciate your sharing your post, because maybe that's how my brother feels about me.

 

 

:grouphug:   I'm so sorry.  Family relationships can be sooooo hard.

 

 

 

OP, I don't  quite understand the root issue from your post.  If the fundamental / irresolvable difficulty is with the parent, I would personally make periodic efforts to check in with the sibling.  People do grow and change perspectives; you don't know if you don't know.  YMMV.

[QueenCat]

I don't think my parents have NPD, so probably my situation is very different.

I am estranged from my brother, and have long wanted to change that, but I am very afraid of his rejection. He has already rejected me, but if I don't engage in trying to repair the relationship, then I can sort of be in denial--if I try and he very specifically rejects me, I am going to hurt even more.

So I don't try.

 

I would be heartbroken if I reached out and he told me he didn't want me in his life, point blank.

 

Again, as I said, perhaps this is totally different than your sib's situation.

 

I do appreciate your sharing your post, because maybe that's how my brother feels about me.

 

I completely understand where you are coming from. We have one family member that we try to reach out to, as we really don't know why she cut us out of her life, and hurts each time we try. We now only try once a year, as to not bug her, but to also still let her know that we love her and just hope that someday she'll let us in her lives again. Hurts so much to be rejected though.

[Anne in CA]

I had a random thought today. I was watching a certain political candidate who is DEF a narcissist, and I realized, narcissists prosper by holding others to a standard of accountability they have no intention of applying to themselves. That's how these people work. They get "ahead" financially that way by taking advantage of others, and they make relationships work for them because they are never bound by reciprocation in any relationship. In any relationship they derive all the benefits and have none of the obligations.

 

Before responding to any email I'd know what I expected from an estranged relative and I'd make it clear so that they know not to bother going forward unless they do their part first. That was huge for me in dealing with my oldest dd's mom (I'm her step mom) who in BPD. Any agreement I made with her had to include her part coming first. She would NEVER do her part if she got what she wanted first. But once I figured out to make her obligations come first in any agreement we had several fairly peaceful years.

[DesertBlossom]

What about asking then to elaborate on what mean by "going down that road." Waht kind of relationship would they like to have? How much contact? Who contacts who? In their mind, what is it all going to look like? I suspect that their answer would help you understand their motivations and if it's something you really want to do.

[LarlaB]

OP here....the background of the story informs why we are unwilling to have interactions with sibling.  It's messy and not limited to a once and done issue, but rather a plethora of sibling's recurring actions over 15 years that are constantly misplaced at DH's feet, as though his responsibility.  The last round of siblings enabling IL's and behaving badly, resulted in DH losing his job in the family business.  He did nothing wrong.  I promise. Its been 2 years since he lost his job and we've been scrambling- ususally too busy figuring out how we are going to survive to care about who is pestering us.  But.they.are.relentless. in attempts to get us to engage.

For those who aren't terribly familiar with NPD cycles, I will demonstrate my thought process:  

For sibling to feign ignorance as to why there is distance in the relationship, certainly makes us feel as though we are expected to feel guilt and responsibility for doing this 'bad thing' of distancing the relationship- which would now make sibling the victim (in siblings eye, we have now done such wrong and sibling is poor innocent victim) 

I found this great synopsis page:  http://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2015/05/the-narcissistic-cycle-of-abuse/#
NPD Cycle of Abuse:  
1.  Feels threatened   2.  Abuses   3.  Becomes the Victim  4.  Feels empowered (Back to step 1)

In my mind, how I (the abused) break the cycle is to step out and disengage at any point.   Hopefully after point #2- which we finally did this time. When the abused defends, stands ground or fights back in any way, the abuser (in his her mind) becomes the victim....NPD feels empowered and the cycle starts all over again. 

My bottom line is this:  sibling and IL's do not get to repeatedly hurt people and exhibit destructive, toxic behavior again and again and then get angry when those people choose to walk away.    Disengaging is the only way for the abused to really get free of this cycle. 

 

[LarlaB]

Thank you all for the replies- it is a very helpful cheering section of support for DH & I....

[Mimm]

I would probably completely ignore it. I'm a big fan of the power of silence to speak volumes.

[OneStepAtATime]

OP here....the background of the story informs why we are unwilling to have interactions with sibling.  It's messy and not limited to a once and done issue, but rather a plethora of sibling's recurring actions over 15 years that are constantly misplaced at DH's feet, as though his responsibility.  The last round of siblings enabling IL's and behaving badly, resulted in DH losing his job in the family business.  He did nothing wrong.  I promise. Its been 2 years since he lost his job and we've been scrambling- ususally too busy figuring out how we are going to survive to care about who is pestering us.  But.they.are.relentless. in attempts to get us to engage.

 

For those who aren't terribly familiar with NPD cycles, I will demonstrate my thought process:  

 

For sibling to feign ignorance as to why there is distance in the relationship, certainly makes us feel as though we are expected to feel guilt and responsibility for doing this 'bad thing' of distancing the relationship- which would now make sibling the victim (in siblings eye, we have now done such wrong and sibling is poor innocent victim) 

 

I found this great synopsis page:  http://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2015/05/the-narcissistic-cycle-of-abuse/#

NPD Cycle of Abuse:  

1.  Feels threatened   2.  Abuses   3.  Becomes the Victim  4.  Feels empowered (Back to step 1)

 

In my mind, how I (the abused) break the cycle is to step out and disengage at any point.   Hopefully after point #2- which we finally did this time. When the abused defends, stands ground or fights back in any way, the abuser (in his her mind) becomes the victim....NPD feels empowered and the cycle starts all over again. 

 

My bottom line is this:  sibling and IL's do not get to repeatedly hurt people and exhibit destructive, toxic behavior again and again and then get angry when those people choose to walk away.    Disengaging is the only way for the abused to really get free of this cycle. 

 

 

Agreed.  The only way to break the cycle is to completely disengage.  It sucks but they aren't going to be able to change.  Protect your family.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Seasider]

Given your update and the seriousness of the offenses, I vote do not respond. Further, change your email addresses.

[gardenmom5]

I'm so sorry.

It sounds like they want the drama (iow: they're bored bullies),  'destructive to your family' drama. these aren't just obnoxious people, they sound dangerous and not to ever be trusted.  the only way to be safe is to NOT engage at all.  I would not respond.

the siblings aren't enabling your ILs - the siblings are partners.  they are abusive in their own right.   they're are sick and twisted puppies.

 

block their phone number, block their e-mails, etc.  I would not respond.  I would try to keep my ear to the ground just to be aware in case they do anything in the background so you're hopefully not surprised.

 

 

 

 

[Murphy101]

We are so happy and at peace having sibling out of our lives and truly bear sibling no ill will but have ZERO interest in discussing anything. There isn't a relationship to restore and we aren't interested in spending any more energy on this person.

 

Thoughts?

Because of this fact, I would not respond at all. I'd ignore the email. I didn't bother reading any other responses bc this last 2 sentences are the only salient facts I'd need to decide to not respond.