Painful Parent- Adult Child Religious Conflict more widespread today?

[SparklyUnicorn]

The kids I know who are trans* spend a significant amount of time in therapy or otherwise working through the issue.  To come out as trans, especially at school or at work, is a huge undertaking, involving YEARS of psychological and medical things to consider and work through.  It's not something that can be done on a whim.  

 

Now of course anyone can move their fashion choices to be more masculine or feminine than they've previously been, but actually coming out as trans* is a long, involved process that is much, much more complicated than choosing a different outfit for the day.

 

Well I have personal experiences that lead me to believe otherwise.

 

I would assume this is how it would be for most people (how you describe).  I have seen some examples otherwise. 

 

Anecdotal evidence it may be, but are you saying I should ignore what I've personally experienced?  Since it personally happened in front of me that it can't be real?  KWIM? 

 

And really the fashion choices are the least significant aspect for some people. 

[Tsuga]

Well, my first year in college I once heard some of the older students talking about how it was trendy the previous year to be lesbian, where there were several girls that came out as lesbian that year (including making out in bars), and that that next year most of those girls had boyfriends again. So, YMMV, but I think that was more the former definition of cool.

In college people talk. They also dismiss other people's sexuality by claiming it's not real if it's not your only choice.

 

It doesn't mean girls experiment because it is cool. There are many reading girls in particular prefer girls for a time or are "fag hags" which have less to do with cool than they have to do with safety and sexual maturity.

 

Edit: "reading girls"? I meant college girls. Thanks autocorrect.

Edited April 27, 2016 by Tsuga

[Scarlett]

Yeah but don't you just expect to disagree with your kids and have ups and downs (strains) with them? To me the difference in a close relationship and a passing relationship that doesn't matter, is that you hang on tight even when it's hard. Not that there's never strain.

 

What kids who are gay and have religious parents are asking them to do (usually, I think), is not to abandon everything they've ever believed. They, like all people, just want parents that reach out toward them and HOLD ON even when it's a bit of a stretch.

 

"you"== everyone, inescapably.

 

I think if your child has not hurt you maliciously and isn't a dangerous psychopath.....they just do some stuff you strongly disapprove of (whether the issue of homosexuality or not)....and you disavow them, then you're a bad parent fullstop. I think that's a fair thing to say. Your kids are stuck with you as their parent...be freaking nice.

I didnt say disavow the kid/adult kid. I said it would be strained and painful.

[TranquilMind]

Well, my first year in college I once heard some of the older students talking about how it was trendy the previous year to be lesbian, where there were several girls that came out as lesbian that year (including making out in bars), and that that next year most of those girls had boyfriends again. So, YMMV, but I think that was more the former definition of cool.

 

I have heard this too.  Similar things. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm bowing out of the conversation now before I say anything too stupid. 

 

Sorry.

 

 

[TranquilMind]

There are issues either way.......... if you were the spouse, wouldn't you want to know? I think I would. As for the kids, divorce is always hard, no matter "why", so hopefully, the parents still work together to parent. I have actually watched a family at church go through this. They were married around 15 years, I think. They are both in better places now, one in a new marriage, one working their way to one. They share custody, 50/50. They are doing a better job than many divorcees as far as co-parenting and getting along. It wasn't easy at first, especially for her. What was interesting was that when I first met him, I thought he was gay. That was about 5 years before he came out.

 

Apparently your perception is better than hers. 

 

I'm fairly good at this too, but there are a few who astonished me along the way. 

[Leonana]

That's my understanding too.  It's like a counterculture thing, like being a hippie in the '60s. 

 

 

I agree. This article addresses the trend of being gender neutral.

 

http://fortune.com/2015/06/29/gender-fluid-binary-companies/

[Guest]

But would a parent be wrong for making his opinion known? NO

 

Of course it is more likely that the kid will just hide it.  But even hiding it shows knowledge that it is wrong, or he wouldn't hide it. ..............or the child doesn't want to deal with their parent's crazy... or they don't feel like going through life never being able to talk to their parents about anything, just because they are gay. The drive to HAVE your parents in your life is super strong.

 

 

 

[TranquilMind]

Maybe you're just not understanding how " upper class liberals" talk,lol. My son has told me his school is very understanding ( yay liberal school!), that profs ask kids how they want to be addressed, that homophobia is seen as disgusting, etc. Basically it's all cool, meaning it's no big deal, no judgement, live your own life. I saw a post in his FB a few months ago from a friend he knew as a boy his first semester, but now lives as a female. I was nearly in tears reading all the posts from college kids, and her relatives, congratulating her on her decision. It gives me hope. However, I'd never say kids claim it's cool/popular, just that these people deserve to feel comfortable. Maybe to outsiders it seems like transgendered are getting "popular" attention when it's really just their friends making sure they know they're loved? Sorry, I don't really know how to explain it in a better way.

 

Well, maybe.  I've heard that the girls think it is kind of attractive to guys to make out with other girls, though it doesn't work that way for the guys.

 

YMMV

[Leonana]

I honestly believe that this is possibly happening, but it remains to be seen to what extent. 

 

I can't tell if more people are just willing to come out or finding it easier to come out, or if some people are wanting to be a member of a club and get attention.  I have reason to believe the first scenario is not outrageous.  Probably this isn't so much in very conservative areas, but in liberal areas definitely.  I mean here it is good enough for a kid to go to a guidance counselor at school and tell them they think they are XYZ and that sets in motion a whole bunch of things for the kid including actions taken despite the parent's permission. 

There are organizations on the Internet where kids can contact strangers to get them stuff that could potentially be hazardous to their health but this is all done behind the parent's back.  And I don't think we know enough about when these situations are about the actually being gay or trans or if it is something else. 

 

 

edited...sorry i meant the second scenario is not outrageous...

 

I agree. And it probably does depend on where you live. Although, my evidence is all anecdotal, but I think it is more widespread than people realize.

Edited April 26, 2016 by Leonana

[justasque]

Well I have personal experiences that lead me to believe otherwise.

 

I would assume this is how it would be for most people (how you describe).  I have seen some examples otherwise. 

 

Anecdotal evidence it may be, but are you saying I should ignore what I've personally experienced?  Since it personally happened in front of me that it can't be real?  KWIM? 

 

And really the fashion choices are the least significant aspect for some people. 

 

I don't expect you to ignore what you've personally experienced.  Perhaps you could share a bit more of the story so we can understand better what you're describing.

[TranquilMind]

Parents naturally and rightfully teach their children what they believe to be true. For those who believe that God has certain standards he commands we live by, it is no simple thing to see our children go against those standards.

 

The reaction doesn't have to be harsh for the relationship to be painful and strained. There is really no way around that unless the parent disavows their beliefs of God's standards.

 

Yeah, that is kind of the gist I gleaned from the conversation.  You pretty much summed it up.  Sounds painful on both sides, and one side should not just be dismissed out of hand. 

[Scarlett]

Wow. I'm not going to post your reply to me Scarlet because I hope you do the right thing and remove it.

 

Dd has talked with our priest and thankfully he feels differently about this than you.

Ok I removed it and I am sorry I offended you. Maybe I don't understand when you say your dd is gay....Or maybe I don't understand Catholic teaching.

[TranquilMind]

This would be beyond difficult for some people.  Imagine you live in an area where there are almost no people who aren't ultra conservative about their religious views.  Imagine every "friend" and family member is in that club.  I'd always choose my kid over that because I personally don't care and am so introverted I'd be fine if nobody ever talked to me again.  BUT I can imagine this would be incredibly difficult for some people.  And reactions towards them could get violent.

 

I live in a liberal area so this would not really happen here.  (This is not to say that bad stuff does not happen.)  It's just so so different in some places.  I talk to a lot of atheists on-line and some of them go through some incredibly difficult things and I never really quite get it because it has not been my experience.  I am 100% free to be an atheist around here.  I think I made one friend once who turned out to have an issue with it.  Whatever.  One person ever...that's not a big deal. 

 

I agree with you about choosing the child, but I can't imagine where these mythical bastions of conservative views could be.  Surely not around here.  It's like sighting a unicorn to see others. 

 

Pretty soon they will be going underground (I'm joking, a little, but it certainly isn't popular here). 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't expect you to ignore what you've personally experienced.  Perhaps you could share a bit more of the story so we can understand better what you're describing.

 

information is too sensitive

 

sorry

[Guest]

I didnt say disavow the kid/adult kid. I said it would be strained and painful.

 

And I am asking, "so what?"

 

Not to minimize on an individual level, but because I's expect strain in the normal course of events.

[TranquilMind]

I really think you have no evidence for this. 

 

Statements like this belong to the school of misogyny that assumes because lesbianism doesn't involve penis in orifice sex, it's not 'real'. Not a real threat, not a real identity. 

 

That's just baloney.

 

My only evidence is from having teens but I've heard exactly the same thing, that it is ok for girls, and really not ok for guys to experiment.  Just not a cool thing (and I have both males and females).  

 

So YMMV, but she isn't being misogynistic to say  that she has heard or experienced this.   

 

Edited April 26, 2016 by TranquilMind

[justasque]

information is too sensitive

 

sorry

 

I understand.   :grouphug:

[TranquilMind]

In college people talk. They also dismiss other people's sexuality by claiming it's not real if it's not your only choice.

 

It doesn't mean girls experiment because it is cool. There are many reading girls in particular prefer girls for a time or are "fag hags" which have less to do with cool than they have to do with safety and sexual maturity.

 

What are "reading girls"?  Maybe a typo?  I don't understand what you said here. 

[Guest]

That's just baloney.

 

My only evidence is from having teens but I've heard exactly the same thing, that it is ok for girls, and really not ok for guys to experiment.  Just not a cool thing (and I have both males and females).  

 

So YMMV, but she isn't being misogynistic to say  that she has heard or experienced this.   

 

You're misunderstanding misogyny here.

 

OF COURSE anything done for the benefit of the male gaze is cool. That's literally misogyny in action.

 

It doesn't make the person who made that statement A Misogynist, necessarily.

[TranquilMind]

Hard to answer that. Your example is not in the same category as gay for me.  And probably not for lots of people. 

 

But then are we talking about an adult kid?  What's the point of objecting strenuously when they are an adult?  KWIM? 

 

Well, that's why I used that example.  The reason a person of faith might still object when an adult child is having an affair is because it is still wrong according to the faith and that child should know better.

I'd like to see the (Christian, Muslim?)  mom and dad who wouldn't react to this situation unfavorably and wonder what the heck their kid is thinking.  Sure you can't control it, but I can't imagine not thinking I was in a position to address it simply because my kid was an adult. 

 

[TranquilMind]

You're misunderstanding misogyny here.

 

OF COURSE anything done for the benefit of the male gaze is cool. That's literally misogyny in action.

 

It doesn't make the person who made that statement A Misogynist, necessarily.

 

Who says it is done only for the male gaze?  I think you are assuming a lot. 

 

[TranquilMind]

 

 

Well, that's another way to view it.  Not sure where your quote went, as it disappeared when I clicked on reply! 

[SparklyUnicorn]

That's just baloney.

 

My only evidence is from having teens but I've heard exactly the same thing, that it is ok for girls, and really not ok for guys to experiment.  Just not a cool thing (and I have both males and females).  

 

So YMMV, but she isn't being misogynistic to say  that she has heard or experienced this.   

 

I have no self control here cuz I said I was bowing out.

 

Anyhow, yeah. My point wasn't that girls are all free flowing lesbians sometimes or not.  I'm just saying I don't think we should interpret any time they kiss and hug that they are lesbians.  I was talking about something a therapist told me about thinking a mother misinterpreted a situation with her daughter.

 

Of course the therapist could have been wrong, lying, etc.  The situation could be absolutely not like that.  But it's not the first person who told me about something like that.  So, again, I am wondering if maybe there is a bit of jumping on the bandwagon thing going on.  I know this comes off as highly insensitive because I do know that these people can go through some crazy hard times.  So I'm not trying to minimize their legitimacy by saying I think some people are "coming out" who aren't really gay or trans. 

 

And to me it wouldn't be such a big deal if some kids are coming out who really aren't sure because they want some attention or want to be a part of it (or heck maybe they just support it so much they want to be among that diverse and cool group of people). But what I worry about is if sometimes there is a push into a direction that could ultimately have negative consequences for some people.  This is especially true for trans where it does not JUST involve making some sort of declaration. 

[TranquilMind]

Ok I removed it and I am sorry I offended you. Maybe I don't understand when you say your dd is gay....Or maybe I don't understand Catholic teaching.

 

I would have liked to have seen what you said, personally.

 

I'm so over edited conversations because people are so sensitive. 

 

I'm assuming you said something about the Catholic position on homosexual behavior.   I'd be interested to know how much it has changed with the culture today.  

[Joker]

Well, that's why I used that example.  The reason a person of faith might still object when an adult child is having an affair is because it is still wrong according to the faith and that child should know better.

I'd like to see the (Christian, Muslim?)  mom and dad who wouldn't react to this situation unfavorably and wonder what the heck their kid is thinking.  Sure you can't control it, but I can't imagine not thinking I was in a position to address it simply because my kid was an adult. 

 

 

An adult child choosing to have an affair is not the same as a child being born gay and choosing to tell their parents. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Well, that's why I used that example.  The reason a person of faith might still object when an adult child is having an affair is because it is still wrong according to the faith and that child should know better.

I'd like to see the (Christian, Muslim?)  mom and dad who wouldn't react to this situation unfavorably and wonder what the heck their kid is thinking.  Sure you can't control it, but I can't imagine not thinking I was in a position to address it simply because my kid was an adult. 

 

 

Well I would object to it and it's not about religion for me.  I just think it's a crappy thing to do for various reasons.

 

I'm not sure how strongly I'd react towards my kid on that. 

[monstermama]

Your distinction is unclear to me.  If parents disagree with cultural change, then just the parents have a conflict between their faith teachings and the trend of popular culture.  But I wastalking about cognitive dissonance of the one who is simultaneously attempting to identify with a faith and engage in things that the faith proscribes.  That is the conflict I was talking about.

 

It's not that long ago that the American church used the Bible to support bans on interracial marriage, and before that, slavery.  I think there's always been cultural practices that people avoid examining by quoting a few Bible verses to shut down the conversation.  It does make me wonder what baggage I'm bringing to the table as well when I read scripture.

 

I also think there's a lot of hypocrisy in middle-class Christian churches today, so honestly I'm not surprised that once a young adult experiences something that conflicts with what they've been taught, they dismiss the whole thing as rotten.  It's also interesting what a world-shatteringly awful sin homosexuality is viewed to be when there are so many other sins that people knowingly and unrepentantly commit daily.  It does feel like the church is more interested in denouncing the "other" (1 in 45 people, I think someone quoted upthread) than in making churchgoers uncomfortable by confronting their own sins.

 

I think it is easier today, with our mobility and the Internet, to find an alternate faith community, or none at all.  One of my Southern friends used to joke that in her hometown, when meeting someone new, you'd ask which Baptist church they attended :)  So, less conflict?  I'd guess probably not, just that people realize there are other options than staying with a faith they disagree with.

[Leonana]

It doesn't mean girls experiment because it is cool. There are many reading girls in particular prefer girls for a time or are "fag hags" which have less to do with cool than they have to do with safety and sexual maturity.

 

I can see this. I think there is a lot of pressure on young women today to look perfect, to be perfect. OTH, there is the danger of date rape. I think it takes a lot of pressure off to opt out for awhile, until they are more mature.

Edited April 26, 2016 by Leonana

[Joker]

I would have liked to have seen what you said, personally.

 

I'm so over edited conversations because people are so sensitive. 

 

I'm assuming you said something about the Catholic position on homosexual behavior.   I'd be interested to know how much it has changed with the culture today.  

 

I didn't say anything about homosexual behavior. I said my dd is gay.

 

The church hasn't changed with the culture. Being born gay isn't an issue. They do believe acting on it is. Dd is 16 and and not dated. She's talked with our priest. Dd has come to the decision that she doesn't agree with the church on the acting on it part but she's made no move to do so. We fully support whatever decision she will make, though, and she knows it. 

[QueenCat]

Apparently your perception is better than hers. 

 

I'm fairly good at this too, but there are a few who astonished me along the way. 

 

Mine, as well as many others......... there weren't too many people that were surprised and those that were surprised were all older (think 65+).

[Leonana]

I think there is additional tension when the spouses don't agree. You could have one spouse willing to accept the child's lifestyle, and one who won't. The accepting spouse is faced with the possibility of losing the closeness the family once had. So, it's not just losing the support of the faith community, there is the aspect of not wanting to lose the marriage either, assuming the spouse is an otherwise nice person, and just has conservative religious views. But yet the accepting spouse wants to support the child also.

Edited April 26, 2016 by Leonana

[TranquilMind]

My number one role as a parent is to stand up for my kids. Is that hard at times ? Yes. Being an advocate for your children in face of significant opposition from your community might be the hardest thing you ever do.

 

I didn't say it was easy. I said it was right.

 

That raises another interesting question.

Does standing up for your child in this situation equate to approving of homosexuality? Can one disapprove of homosexuality while still standing up for his child?  What would  either position look like?

 

I think yes it is possible, but then I know my kids have done and chosen things I really strenuously objected to, but I still loved them.  Those are two entirely different concepts to me and one does not affect the other.

Edited April 26, 2016 by TranquilMind

[SparklyUnicorn]

It's not that long ago that the American church used the Bible to support bans on interracial marriage, and before that, slavery.  I think there's always been cultural practices that people avoid examining by quoting a few Bible verses to shut down the conversation.  It does make me wonder what baggage I'm bringing to the table as well when I read scripture.

 

I also think there's a lot of hypocrisy in middle-class Christian churches today, so honestly I'm not surprised that once a young adult experiences something that conflicts with what they've been taught, they dismiss the whole thing as rotten.  It's also interesting what a world-shatteringly awful sin homosexuality is viewed to be when there are so many other sins that people knowingly and unrepentantly commit daily.  It does feel like the church is more interested in denouncing the "other" (1 in 45 people, I think someone quoted upthread) than in making churchgoers uncomfortable by confronting their own sins.

 

I think it is easier today, with our mobility and the Internet, to find an alternate faith community, or none at all.  One of my Southern friends used to joke that in her hometown, when meeting someone new, you'd ask which Baptist church they attended :)  So, less conflict?  I'd guess probably not, just that people realize there are other options than staying with a faith they disagree with.

 

Not exactly the same, but this made me think of the bathroom debate.  I am not 100% sure how I feel about that, and I don't think there is a super simple answer.  However, there was a time in this country where black people had separate water fountains because white people thought it was too icky to share with people who weren't fully human (AKA African Americans).  Which I think now most people would consider to be a pretty horrific thought.  So looking at it that way I hope whatever resolution comes of this that we do the humane thing.  The thing that takes into account we are talking about human beings and not hypotheticals. 

[TranquilMind]

I think there is additional tension when the spouses don't agree. You could have one spouse willing to accept the child's lifestyle, and one who won't. The accepting spouse is faced with the possibility of losing the closeness the family once had. So, it's not just losing the support of the faith community, there is the aspect of not wanting to lose the marriage either, assuming the spouse is an otherwise nice person, and just has conservative religious views. But yet the accepting spouse wants to support the child also.

I agree. This is really one tough situation unless all parties just agree. 

[TranquilMind]

I didn't say anything about homosexual behavior. I said my dd is gay.

 

The church hasn't changed with the culture. Being born gay isn't an issue. They do believe acting on it is. Dd is 16 and and not dated. She's talked with our priest. Dd has come to the decision that she doesn't agree with the church on the acting on it part but she's made no move to do so. We fully support whatever decision she will make, though, and she knows it. 

 

All right.  Well I am talking about homosexual behavior and the Church's current position on that, because it does very much address the behavior. 

It sounds as if your daughter is at variance with Church teachings on engaging in the behavior part (if current, not sure...haven't checked on anything in this vein recently). 

 

If you are Catholic yourselves, how do you feel about that?  Do you feel any dissonance between what your faith teaches and what your daughter may ultimately choose to do?  Or do you figure that is just between she and God and just leave it alone there with no sense of involvement/responsibility?  Just curious if you don't mean sharing.   But maybe you aren't Catholic so it is a nonissue?

Edited April 26, 2016 by TranquilMind

[SparklyUnicorn]

That raises another interesting question.

Does standing up for your child in this situation equate to approving of homosexuality? Can one disapprove of homosexuality while still standing up for his child?  What would  either position look like?

 

I think yes it is possible, but then I know my kids have done and chosen things I really strenuously objected to, but I still loved them.  Those are two entirely different concepts to me and one does not affect the other.

 

And sometimes standing up for our kids might mean NOT supporting every single thing they do or want to do because we believe we are protecting them from making very bad decisions.

 

(homosexuality isn't one of those things for me, but other things yes...other things that some people might not agree with me on)

[Farrar]

I think it's very difficult to have any nuanced conversation about to what extent young people experiment with their sexuality (and all kinds of young people do experiment with different identities - male, female, gay, straight, and everything in between thereof) before settling into an understanding of where they "really" stand in a thread where there are some hostile and ignorant things being said about homosexuality.

[TranquilMind]

This is the thing I don't understand. I hear 'we're all sinners'. OK, well if you are a sinner, focus on your own sin, don't be disavowing a child for being no better, no worse than you are.

 

Yep, for sure.  We all have various sins and temptations that are a snare to us, and they are all different.   And some are sins for me, but not for you (or vice versa), necessarily, given our various experiences and place in our faith walk at the moment (IF you are a person of faith - I have no idea). 

 

As I heard Joyce Meyer say one time, "Not once do I ever wake up in the morning and ask God to help me not rob a bank today.  That's not my struggle."

 

Yep. 

Edited April 26, 2016 by TranquilMind

[Joker]

All right. Well I am talking about homosexual behavior and the Church's current position on that, because it does very much address the behavior.

It sounds as if your daughter is at variance with Church teachings on engaging in the behavior part (if current, not sure...haven't checked on anything in this vein recently).

 

If you are Catholic yourselves, how do you feel about that? Do you feel any dissonance between what your faith teaches and what your daughter may ultimately choose to do? Or do you figure that is just between she and God and just leave it alone there with no sense of involvement/responsibility? Just curious if you don't mean sharing. But maybe you aren't Catholic so it is a nonissue?

I will have no problem if she decides to date and/or marry. The only responsibility I feel on that issue is to continue being a loving and supportive parent to my amazing dd. She will continue to have a relationship with God but it may not be how our particular church thinks it should be. I'm fine with that.

[TranquilMind]

An adult child choosing to have an affair is not the same as a child being born gay and choosing to tell their parents. 

 

Well, the similarity (to at least certain groups of Christians) is that either is a situation of sexual activity being inappropriate outside of Biblical marriage.   So that is the point there. 

 

If you reject Biblical marriage as the extent of legitimate marriage, then of course, you are correct in that they are not the same. 

 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think it's very difficult to have any nuanced conversation about to what extent young people experiment with their sexuality (and all kinds of young people do experiment with different identities - male, female, gay, straight, and everything in between thereof) before settling into an understanding of where they "really" stand in a thread where there are some hostile and ignorant things being said about homosexuality.

 

I never heard of the concept of experimenting with sexual identity until fairly recently.  This is not something that I heard of as a teen myself.  So I dunno.  Was I very boring, lived under a rock, etc.?  I never questioned that aspect of myself.  This is not to say everyone was like me, but that was not a commonly talked about thing when I was that age where I lived.

 

I do agree on the hostility comment.  I do think some people are very afraid, confused, and don't understand.  But I do believe it's hard wired into a person so there is no way to talk a kid out of it or convert them.

 

Although I don't quite understand the free flowing fuzzy categories.  Don't know what those are about.  And trans...that's not the same thing, but gets lumped in. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

It's not ABOUT how we interpret their behaviour. It's about how they identify. 

 

Honestly, do you seriously think that after hedging around it for two years and finally coming out and telling me she was gay, I should have said to my dd, "Really ? I think you might just have been brainwashed into being fashionable. Let's pretend you're straight for a few more years, denying you the support you might need right now, just because you might be mistaken. Girls kissing girls is a thing right now."

 

Plenty of girls come out as lesbians before ever having an identifiable behaviour. Just like many girls know they are attracted to boys before they ever kiss a boy!

 

Let's say after a few years dd decides she isn't a lesbian ( not gonna happen, but anyway). How has she been harmed by being supported in her journey along the way ? She hasn't. And our relationship is stronger for it, not weaker. 

 

You can't lump issues with trans kids in with issues with lesbian kids. Being a lesbian doesn't require hormones or surgery. Going to the Glitter Ball with a girlfriend is about as radical as it gets. 

 

No not at all, but I wasn't talking about you and your situation.  I was talking about something a therapist told me about her client. 

[Scarlett]

I didn't say anything about homosexual behavior. I said my dd is gay.

 

The church hasn't changed with the culture. Being born gay isn't an issue. They do believe acting on it is. Dd is 16 and and not dated. She's talked with our priest. Dd has come to the decision that she doesn't agree with the church on the acting on it part but she's made no move to do so. We fully support whatever decision she will make, though, and she knows it.

Well I certainly apologize then because I still have the tendency to think gay means action. I have to remind myself it now means feelings as well.

 

So I am cautiously wondering how you can be Catholic and support your dd dating in a homosexual context.

[bolt.]

I think generational conflict over things that parents consider "against faith" and the newest adults consider ordinary choices -- I doubt they are more prevalent as a genre.

 

However, it is possible that homosexuality has newly entered that category, and therefore is (itself) seen more frequently as the specific focus of that genre of conflict than it used to be.

 

I don't think one (as a parent) has to reject Christian faith, or even conservative views of homosexuality-as-sin, or (still less) to reach the conclusion that 'there is no right or wrong'. In order to continue in good relationship with children in these scenarios.

 

One simply has to accept that it is perfectly normal for humans to do wrong things while thinking they are doing right things -- so it ought not to surprise us or change our style of parent-child relationship if one discovers that a child's actions fit that definition (in the parents' eyes). It's not like parents think their adult children are flawless paragons of every virtue before such discoveries -- do they? Most people are not. Chances are your children will not be. If you are surprised to learn that you raised someone average... Well: Pride... Fall.

 

ETA: not trying to imply that homosexuality is a "wrong thing" -- just providing a logic path that supports continued good relationships without abandoning "faith" that (might) hold to that idea.

Edited April 26, 2016 by bolt.

[SparklyUnicorn]

See I'm all over the place with this.  I'm caught between a rock and a crazy place.  I can't make sense of my views.

 

I agree with both sides.  I don't know where that leaves me.

 

 

[Joker]

You are a good mom, Joker.

Right back atcha!!!

[Rosie_0801]

Well I certainly apologize then because I still have the tendency to think gay means action. I have to remind myself it now means feelings as well.

 

Gay means action as much as hetero means action.

 

Probably at some point, but not necessarily right now.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Well I certainly apologize then because I still have the tendency to think gay means action. I have to remind myself it now means feelings as well.

 

So I am cautiously wondering how you can be Catholic and support your dd dating in a homosexual context.

 

Catholics are cool like that.  They have their beliefs and their ideal rules, but at the end of the day they forgive people for being human. 

[Rosie_0801]

See I'm all over the place with this.  I'm caught between a rock and a crazy place.  I can't make sense of my views.

 

I agree with both sides.  I don't know where that leaves me.

 

As a person who is thinking that one topic can move pretty quickly into related topics?