s/o Prom...Instructing on Socially Appropriate Behavior

[fairfarmhand]

Ok, so this is slightly different angle than my prom question.

 

My oldest daughter and my youngest son have "sparkly" personalities. Fun, enthusiastic, outgoing...sometimes a little...loud and boisterous, which at the proper time is great. We have lots of fun together.

 

How do you instruct them on social appropriateness for different times and occaisions without outright attacking their personality style? I'm a much quieter person, and I don't want to take away what makes them fun and unique. But it's not always the right time to be loud and the center of attention, IYKWIM.

 

They sometimes embarrass themselves (this isn't my projection, this is from actual conversations) when their natural boisterousness has gotten out of hand and they went overboard.

 

So how do you do that?

 

My oldest is 18 and open to discussions with me about this stuff. My youngest is 8.

 

How do you balance the conversation with out seeming critical?

 

(I have excellent relationships with both kids. We communicate very well. )

[SKL]

For the younger kids, I am very clear and specific about what is required and why.

 

Not sure about the older crowd yet.  I hope that most of it would be ingrained by then.  But if not, I guess I would say the same things I said when they were younger.  :P

 

A handy rule I learned late and try to teach my kids is:  watch what [mature] others are doing.  When in doubt, use the mature others' behavior as a guide.

 

Handy rule #2 is that good manners equals making the others around you feel comfortable.  I'm not sure my kids are mature enough to get this yet, but hopefully by the time they are in high school ....

 

I think it's important to take the kids out to non-casual but safe events from time to time, to model and encourage proper behavior in advance of their going out with out parents.  (Warning:  this will be the source of many gray hairs.)

[Katy]

Find an etiquette book and assign it for homeschool.  Introduce it by watching Blast From the Past, a movie that does a wonderful job of explaining the reason for good manners.  Have a formal dinner as a family once a week to practice manners. 

 

[Lara in Colo]

I don't know what is even proper these days-- I see adults that should be setting good examples, doing just the opposite.  So whereas I think prom should be special and dignified (especially with the cost of it today) society seems think differently.  I know of several youth groups these days that think it is fine for the group to get together for food fights---umm ick, and wasteful.   I think fun is fine, but it seems that the "in" thing today is to try and out-do someone else-- to seem cooler, more fun than last year.  I guess I just try and tell my children that I expect them to think though situations and tell them what type of people we want them to be or to emulate.  Youth group food fights are just wasteful of the food that God provided.  There is nothing wrong with another activity that is respectful of themselves, their property and the feelings of others.

Perhaps we need a checklist (feel free to add an)

 

Will this destroy anything (clothing, food, grass, etc...)

Will this make someone else feel bad?

Are you setting a good example?

Do you know at what point things have gone too far?

 

 

 

I am not saying that everything has to be dignified, but I think that everything should be respectful of others and property.

 

For instance-- when painting-- it is funny to "accidentally" paint someone's  stained t-shirt, but not so funny to paint the dog. The first is playful, the second is "too far"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[SquirrellyMama]

Can you talk to them from the angle of discussing your own personality and times when it isn't appropriate? When I'm trying to give any advice to my kids I usually try to find a fault of my own to show them that I'm not perfect, and I'm open to change. Or a time when I had to change?

 

I know that quieter personalities find loud and boisterous personalities annoying at times, but the other way around is also true. Maybe go from that angle?

 

Ooooh, this quote (from a post above)- There are times a boisterous personality or a quiet personality can make people feel uncomfortable in a situation.

Handy rule #2 is that good manners equals making the others around you feel comfortable.

 

 

Kelly

 

 

Edited April 25, 2016 by SquirrellyMama

[Ellie]

It is not a coincidence that God made your children outgoing and exuberant and gave them to you to parent. :-) Which is to say that you don't need to be worried about correcting behavior that you believe is not socially appropriate. It is your job to do so.

 

Children are not like sea turtles, who dig their way out of nests on the sand knowing everything they need to know. Children come out of the womb knowing nothing; they need parents to guide them in all sorts of ways, including teaching them the social norms for whatever society they live in.

 

When your dc behave inappropriately, correct them. Every.single.time. Sometimes it may require a conversation, but not always. 

[Arcadia]

They sometimes embarrass themselves (this isn't my projection, this is from actual conversations) when their natural boisterousness has gotten out of hand and they went overboard.

How does your 18 year old react when she realized she has gone overboard?

 

My public high school had a social etiquette course which was compulsory attendence but not graded. That was useful for kids who need explicit examples. The course taught interview skills as well and was conducted during the weekly general assembly time

 

My extended family is big so we were taught how to behave at formal occasions like weddings and wakes since we were small. My grandparents generation (born around WWI) were the kind that children were to be seen and not heard. My hubby's grandma who is approaching a hundred years old, is similar though she would let the young great grandkids be boisterous.

 

My mom would also bring me and cousins to afternoon tea at hotels for us to practice fine dining skills. For hotels, the doormen would actually open the car doors for the ladies if drop off is at the lobby entrance, as well as open the hotel doors for us.

 

If I went out with a guy friend (not colleague or relative) usually the guy would come around and open my door for me. So if I see the guy coming round the front of his car to my side, I wait to open the car door myself. If he goes straight front and wait for me, then I just open the door myself.

[snickerplum]

My oldest is the same. I've told her that there are times to be excitable and loud, but there are times when that is not appropriate. Like the PP mentioned, I've told her to be aware of others and if she's the only one being loud or boisterous, then she needs to reassess her actions.

My dd's personality (for the most part:-) ) is so open and friendly and positive. Every now and then she just gets carried away without noticing others have not. :-) So, like the OP, my intention is is not to change her personality, just to help be more socially aware.

[fairfarmhand]

Can you talk to them from the angle of discussing your own personality and times when it isn't appropriate? When I'm trying to give any advice to my kids I usually try to find a fault of my own to show them that I'm not perfect, and I'm open to change. Or a time when I had to change?

 

I know that quieter personalities find loud and boisterous personalities annoying at times, but the other way around is also true. Maybe go from that angle?

 

Ooooh, this quote (from a post above)- There are times a boisterous personality or a quiet personality can make people feel uncomfortable in a situation.

 

Kelly

 

That is one good way of putting it.

 

We've talked a lot about how introverts can be judged as standoffish and unfriendly if they don't make the effort to speak to others, even if it is difficult.

 

New people in a group won't feel welcomed by a quieter personality if that person doesn't try.

 

It's the same way if a spunkier personality isn't paying attention to the dynamics of the gathering.

[catz]

Both my kids can be this way.  My oldest son is much more measured and reserved than he used to be, but can have his moments.  One thing I instill over and over and over is if someone says NO or STOP, you must stop immediately.   It's about respecting other people's space and feelings.  Know your audience and your environment. 

 

 

[kbutton]

I think I would try to point them to people who are worthy of emulation that also happen to be like them in personality if you can.

 

I was very reserved as a kid (still am), and my most embarrassing moments are usually times when I was either trying to step out of my comfort zone, or when I was just unable to read a friend that was being too "spontaneous." I had a friend who was my complete opposite, and I had to defend my friendship with her A LOT and her behavior A LOT to all kinds of people. She didn't always know when to stop. She didn't know I was in this position and probably still doesn't. I also found out years later that some of her behavior got other kids in trouble, but those parents didn't air things in public. I knew my friend was a nice girl at heart and a fun person to be with (she actually was pretty effective at helping me break out of my mold in a good way, unlike other people who just called me a stick in the mud or put me on the spot). 

 

I like the other suggestions and checklists as well. Oh, this may not be your situation, OP, but I would try to avoid sending mixed messages to kids who already will struggle with this--I have a son who does not interpret social situations easily (has two diagnoses that contribute to this), but he often sees what went wrong later, and it's very, very hard for him, he gets embarrassed, feels bad about himself, etc. I am absolutely dreading youth group and all the mixed messages he's going to get in regard to behavior. He will absolutely mimic behavior he sees there, not know it's inappropriate in another setting, and then be embarrassed later. That's so unfair to him, but I can't do a lot about it except talk to him and maybe work on the checklist idea as a previous poster mentioned.

[kbutton]

I was very reserved as a kid (still am), and my most embarrassing moments are usually times when I was either trying to step out of my comfort zone, or when I was just unable to read a friend that was being too "spontaneous." I had a friend who was my complete opposite, and I had to defend my friendship with her A LOT and her behavior A LOT to all kinds of people. She didn't always know when to stop. She didn't know I was in this position and probably still doesn't. I also found out years later that some of her behavior got other kids in trouble, but those parents didn't air things in public. I knew my friend was a nice girl at heart and a fun person to be with (she actually was pretty effective at helping me break out of my mold in a good way, unlike other people who just called me a stick in the mud or put me on the spot). 

 

BTW, this friend is still fun. We aren't in touch as much as we should be, but she is very, very sensitive about making sure her kids are less "spontaneous" than she was. She might not know how much I had to defend my relationship with her, but she does know now that she caused trouble for other kids, and I've seen some tension with her trying to figure out how to parent kids with similar tendencies. She does provide opportunities for her kids to cut loose as well, but it's a tough line to walk, I think. 

[JumpyTheFrog]

We've talked a lot about how introverts can be judged as standoffish and unfriendly if they don't make the effort to speak to others, even if it is difficult.

 

I don't know what the answer is. I do think, as an introvert, however, that our culture expects introverts to spend more effort acting like extroverts than the other way around. 

[Haiku]

Well, I am apparently only five years old because I think a water fight at prom sounds fun, so take my comments with a grain of salt ... ;)

 

My son is very boisterous. I am not. What I say to him is, "Are other people enjoying your actions right now, or are you the only one?" He is able to interpret other people's social cues if he is directed to pay attention to them. Actually, now that he is a teen, he can usually figure it out without me bringing it to his attention. Sometimes I just flat-out tell him "knock it off."

 

So with your 8 year old, I would talk to him about paying attention to social cues.

 

With your 18 year old, I wouldn't address it unless she brought it up. Then I would have her make a list of times when her behavior has embarrassed her and ask her to explain what it was the prompted the behavior and where she thinks she crossed the line. Ask her what she could do differently next time. I doubt an 8 year old is capable of that type of introspection, though.

Edited April 25, 2016 by TaraTheLiberator