teaching kids to ask first

[caedmyn]

I cannot figure out how to convince my 3, 5, and 7 YOs to ASK before getting into things or going into areas they're not supposed to go. They're supposed to ask before going outside. They're not supposed to go into the basement or library room w/o permission (because they mess with all sorts of things they're not supposed to, put paper in the guinea pig cage, get into DH's tools, etc). Sometimes they have a legitimate reason to go into the basement, but because they aren't trustworthy they need to get permission first so I know what they're down there for and how long they really need to stay down there. They're supposed to ask before getting into the pantry, fridge, or cupboards. I'm not talking about asking before getting a spoon to eat food with, but asking before raiding the kitchen utensils to dig in the dirt with, asking before taking plastic baggies to litter the yard with, asking before climbing on the counters to get things that are out of their reach (cuz they're usually put out of their reach for a reason!). They do things and go places all day long that they're not supposed to, and it drives me crazy. I have not been able to come up with consequences that motivate them to ask first.

[wintermom]

They sound like really creative go-getters. Could you have a cabinet of "Stuff they can use" so they know where to go for supplies? Otherwise, you may need to keep a closer eye on them, and perhaps get the oldest dc to help be a whistle blower.  I find it a lot easier to prevent or redirect certain behaviours than finding effective punishment/consequences for misbehaviour.

[Tanaqui]

An ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure. If they like to dig in the dirt, why do they have to use your silverware? Why don't they have their own gardening tools? Likewise, if they had their own child's set of tools for building, they wouldn't be so interested in Daddy's set.

 

On that same line, if there are things that need to be put out of reach, your peace of mind would be greater if you put a lock on a cabinet and used it for everything "out of reach".

 

Three and five and seven year olds have poor impulse control. That's one of the defining features of childhood, in fact. Especially the youngest, there are very few consequences and punishments that will overwhelm their desire to do these things that annoy you.

[38carrots]

How much freedom do they have overall? Do they have to ask for everything? My three children have always asked for permissions (almost too much?). My anwer, 99.99% of the time is "Of course you may!" I never had to specifically teach them to ask first.

 

My other reply is "Yes, but later, after X and Y are done."

 

It is only rarely that they are not allowed what they asked for, and even then, if it is very important to them, we might have a conversation and come to a compromise.

 

They have no problem understanding a "no" either. Maybe it's just their personalities, I'm not taking much credit ha-ha! But I do think that providing an environment of freedom is important.

 

 

 

 

[mamiof5]

As others mentioned, do they have their own digging tools? Maybe a bucket with safe toys, tools etc that they can use would help? Can you put a top lock on the door? Going outside without me knowing would put me over the edge. As far as climbing on counters, going in rooms you have specifically asked them not to...for me it's a total disrespect to you as a mom, and I don't put up with stuff like that. Timeout worked for us, or losing some sort of privilege (TV, electronics, whatever applies in your case). Even the 3and a half could go in a short timeout. They need to know they can't do what you asked them not to do. Good luck with this! Parenting is not always easy :(

[Paige]

Your kids are still really little. Learning to ask first (instead of learning it's better to ask for forgiveness!) is about consistency, IMO. Just keep trucking along with patience and they will get it. Keep reminding them why you want them to ask, don't make a big deal about their failures so they feel forced to hide, try to be generous with saying yes so that they don't get discouraged, and hopefully one day you will realize that they haven't been getting into stuff they aren't supposed to for a while. If they keep getting into the same thing over and over, put a lock or bell on it or give them something else they can use to satisfy the same desire. It's kind of like drawing on the walls and putting their fingers in light sockets- eventually they will mature and outgrow it. 

 

Although my almost 12yr olds just left a steak knife in the dirt overnight! They had used it to measure for a path and patio in the backyard! LOL! I was surprised they didn't have more sense, but it's progress- it's the first silverware that's been left outside in over a year! When they were 7 it was a pretty regular thing. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Well my thought is that sounds very restrictive and I'd be driven mad by all the constant asking.  But my kids ask me for stuff I've never told them to ask me for.  Food...they ask even though I have told them many times they don't have to ask.  Same with watching TV.  A few other things.

 

One thing I flipped out over once though was one of mine going outside and up the street when younger without telling me.  That's something I made clear to him he had to ask for. 

 

So I dunno. 

[HomeAgain]

There is no substitute for a watchful pair of eyes and open ears. There just isn't. Catch, remind, redirect. Be on your toes until they get the idea that you will be heavily enforcing house rules.

[SparklyUnicorn]

There is no substitute for a watchful pair of eyes and open ears. There just isn't. Catch, remind, redirect. Be on your toes until they get the idea that you will be heavily enforcing house rules.

 

Yeah this sounds about right to me. 

[redsquirrel]

It's going to mean you are the gatekeeper for a lot of things.  If they can't go into the basement without permission, then you put a hook and eye lock on the door above their reach. Same with the library room etc.

 

Or you could just rearrange stuff so that what is in their reach is always ok and what is not ok is too difficult for them to access. That is how I lived for years, literally for years.  The bottom drawers in the kitchen had plastic cups and plates and the glass ones were up high.  The basement door still has a lock on it. Our basement is not safe for small children because it has an open sump. We still don't have lamps because those could get knocked down. I only recently got a coffee table to prevent kids launching off one.

 

So, either you make the house super kid friendly, or you lock it down, or a combination of the two. But, putting it on them is much harder. It's prob easier to just adjust and wait for them to get older.

[SparklyUnicorn]

And I think you should focus too on what they are allowed to do.  What can they do?  Your list of can not do seems long to me.  Do they know what they CAN do?  KWIM?

 

 

[school17777]

Well, I stored stuff that I didn't want the kids to get into under my bed and told the kids our pet alligator lived under there. They never touched it and they told all their friends. All their friends who came over went as far as my bed, but no one ever had the guts to look under it. So, my stuff stayed safe from kid hands.

Edited April 24, 2016 by school17777

[barnwife]

It's going to mean you are the gatekeeper for a lot of things.  If they can't go into the basement without permission, then you put a hook and eye lock on the door above their reach. Same with the library room etc.

 

Or you could just rearrange stuff so that what is in their reach is always ok and what is not ok is too difficult for them to access. That is how I lived for years, literally for years.  The bottom drawers in the kitchen had plastic cups and plates and the glass ones were up high.  The basement door still has a lock on it. Our basement is not safe for small children because it has an open sump. We still don't have lamps because those could get knocked down. I only recently got a coffee table to prevent kids launching off one.

 

So, either you make the house super kid friendly, or you lock it down, or a combination of the two. But, putting it on them is much harder. It's prob easier to just adjust and wait for them to get older.

 

OP, I sympathize with you. There are things our children are supposed to ask before using/doing. FWIW, they are almost 6, 4, and 2.5.

 

Sometimes they remember, and sometimes they don't.

 

As for the hook and eye on a door, hahahahaha. That would slow mine down while they went to get a chair so they could then open the door. Putting things out of reach doesn't stop any of ours (and hasn't for a while now). Do other people's kids not climb? 

 

Yes, our kids have plenty of stuff in their reach (including their own real tools and stuff). But, for reasons I can't fathom, mommy's stuff is superior and often disappears.

 

Does it irritate me that my scissors and tape and things disappear at an alarming rate? Yes. But I haven't found a solution yet. Thankfully, they are semi-decent at not actually losing things. When I ask where my things are they usually know.

[redsquirrel]

OP, I sympathize with you. There are things our children are supposed to ask before using/doing. FWIW, they are almost 6, 4, and 2.5.

 

Sometimes they remember, and sometimes they don't.

 

As for the hook and eye on a door, hahahahaha. That would slow mine down while they went to get a chair so they could then open the door. Putting things out of reach doesn't stop any of ours (and hasn't for a while now). Do other people's kids not climb? 

 

Yes, our kids have plenty of stuff in their reach (including their own real tools and stuff). But, for reasons I can't fathom, mommy's stuff is superior and often disappears.

 

Does it irritate me that my scissors and tape and things disappear at an alarming rate? Yes. But I haven't found a solution yet. Thankfully, they are semi-decent at not actually losing things. When I ask where my things are they usually know.

 

Ah, but then it is a different situation other than not remembering to ask permission. It is actually taking affirmative action to break a rule.  It means that there was more than just a small child forgetting to ask, there had to be planning to thwart the lock that is there as a reminder to ask first. For me, that would be a different parenting situation. Instead of dealing with an impulsive act, I am dealing with disobeying.

 

The lock isn't there to prevent all access. It is there to remind a child to ask first, to slow them down enough to get an adult. It isn't a be all and end all solution, but I think it is a place to start.

 

But the OP says that there are dangerous things in her basement. She is actually worried someone could get hurt.  I have an open sump in the basement and it could drown a toddler or preschooler. You had best believe that I had a lock on that door. And no, my children never attempted to circumvent the lock. They knew it was there for a good reason and that if they wanted anything in the basement all they had to do was ask. It wasn't a big deal.