? about grounding for high school student

[AimeeM]

No.  When there is a commitment that must be followed through on.  You don't let other people down or punish other people when they did nothing wrong.

I started to say that I agree, but then I realized that, while the reasons would be few and serious, there are infractions that I would punish this severely. 

Finding out that my child was drinking and driving, even once, and even if the cops didn't "catch them doing it." My kid wouldn't be allowed behind the wheel until they had moved out.

File above under my "driving recklessly" category. I would take away all driving privs for driving recklessly, and if the only way my kid could get to this activity was to drive themselves, well...

If my kids grades tanked to "failing," I would assume they were overwhelmed or needed serious tutoring, and they would have to drop any time-consuming activities.

Edited April 25, 2016 by AimeeM

[razorbackmama]

In general, no, we do not ground our teens from commitments that impact others like this.

However, we recently made our 17yo take a leave of absence from work because he was consistently falling behind on school due to simply not doing his school (not because work and school is too much...one week he literally read 2 chapters in his lit book and that was it). After months and months of trying this, that, and the other, and implementing numerous other consequences, it came down to this. My husband wanted him to quit, but we are HOPING that he will be able to return to work, so I had my son ask about the procedure for going back, and we all decided on a leave of absence instead.

 

I do feel very badly because it does put his employer in a bind, but this has been an ongoing issue for months. And his employer told us at the beginning that if his schoolwork suffered then school, not work, needed to take priority.

 

But this is not our "typical" way of dealing with this sort of thing.

[TranquilMind]

File this under "I'm just curious what other people do." 

 

I am in charge of an activity where high school students are the coaches, they get paid a small salary. It meets weekly from Sept-May. We have one coach who has done a great job but recently sent an email saying that she would be unable to finish out the year because her parents had taken away all activities due to something she did. We only have about 4 weeks left. 

 

I don't know what she did to cause the punishment but I was surprised that part of it was that she had to stop coaching for us. It puts our program in a bit of a bind, we will be ok but it definitely impacts us. And the kids in the activity are little and it will be a big deal to them that this girl who they like is no longer there to finish out the year. It seemed to me that the punishment is hurting us as well as her.

 

At this point it doesn't really matter, I'm not going to say anything to them. But since I don't have high school students it made me wonder what others with teens would do when it came to grounding or punishment. Do you make them quit jobs or volunteer work even if that impacts other people negatively? 

 

Unless it is really serious, like criminal activity, drinking and driving, or something, I would never do that because it affects others.  I always thought it was stupid when some parent would punish her kid by not allowing him to hang out with my kid, even though I'd already told my kid that he was having a friend over. 

 

Punish your own kids, not mine, I always wanted to say.

 

Anyway, I think this is a stupid punishment, with the caveat above. 

 

[Joanne]

Didn't read the other responses, but I only punished with related consequences. So, my child would (possibly) be pulled from a sport or activity if the issue involved the sport or activity.

 

I've observed it's rarely helpful to pull supervised, positive, engaged activity as a consequence.

 

But I don't think I ever grounded my kids, so *shrug*.

[KungFuPanda]

Please tell me you'd have her inform the employer in some way....... I'd be worried sick that your daughter had gotten in a wreck (or some other harm) if I hadn't been told that she wasn't coming.

I'd have her do it in person while giving her two-weeks notice. An email seems like a cop out.

[TammyS]

My 17 year old recently started a job at a fast food joint.  We have been very clear that his priorities first are at home (school and family responsibilities).  I wouldn't willy-nilly pull him from his job, but if things got to a level of seriousness, or he wasn't upholding his obligations, then I would absolutely pull him and make him refocus at home.

 

If I was the OP, I would understand that I hired a teenager and these are the things that sometimes happen.  I would also understand that there's a good chance that the teenager isn't telling the whole truth (and that's ok, details aren't really necessary) and this situation is probably more serious than she realizes.  I would not expect the parents to call me, it's not their job, it's the teen's job and the teen needs to handle it.  And I would have made her call, not email, that's chickening out.  If she gets someone on the phone upset because she's failing in her commitment, then good.  She needs to understand that what we do affects others, often in unpredictable ways, and they are likely to be upset about it and give us an earful.  I would also say this, about those who are upset with the parents:  presumably the teen did not just meet her parents this week.  So she had to have a pretty good idea that whatever she did to create this situation was likely to result in her being pulled from her job.  So again, be upset with the teen who did something to create this situation, not the parent who is handling it as best as they know how.

[wintermom]

File this under "I'm just curious what other people do." 

 

I am in charge of an activity where high school students are the coaches, they get paid a small salary. It meets weekly from Sept-May. We have one coach who has done a great job but recently sent an email saying that she would be unable to finish out the year because her parents had taken away all activities due to something she did. We only have about 4 weeks left. 

 

I don't know what she did to cause the punishment but I was surprised that part of it was that she had to stop coaching for us. It puts our program in a bit of a bind, we will be ok but it definitely impacts us. And the kids in the activity are little and it will be a big deal to them that this girl who they like is no longer there to finish out the year. It seemed to me that the punishment is hurting us as well as her.

 

At this point it doesn't really matter, I'm not going to say anything to them. But since I don't have high school students it made me wonder what others with teens would do when it came to grounding or punishment. Do you make them quit jobs or volunteer work even if that impacts other people negatively? 

 

If you've been happy with this youth's commitment and efforts for the last 8 months, and this sudden leaving of the program is not a pattern of unreliable behaviour, then I would simply feel a loss of a good coach and hope that things will turn out alright for her. As the mom of a busy high school student, I have to be as committed to her activities as she is, as I do the driving. Other parents of high school students I know are in the same boat. If a normally committed student and parent combo suddenly had to leave a commitment they've kept for 8 out of 9 months, then something pretty major must have happened.