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2e daughter and beginning homeschool (again)

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Hi everyone,


I have a 13 year old daughter in 7th grade this year. She has diagnosed ADHD, ODD and sensory processing issues. She has undiagnosed Aspergers. She was tested for it was considered to be borderline at the time. I am a teacher and have had several Asperger kids, and she does display some of the symptoms, but not all. She did test gifted with an IQ of 139 as well.


Anyway, my daughter has always attended the school where I have taught. I have always taught in small, private schools. In early and middle elementary we were able to handle the issues she had with school for the most part. From the beginning, she struggled with making and keeping friends, but, academically, she was doing very well. She was at the same school for K-3 to 4th grade. Then, in 5th grade, we moved to a new state and a new school. Her teacher did not have much experience with 2 kids or even kids with special needs. We made the decision to homeschool her for most of 5th grade. My husband was at home with her during the day while I continued to teach. Because we both need to work, I changed schools for the next year, and my daughter went back to school for 6th grade. Other than social issues, she did well there. Then, my husband changed jobs with necessitated a move to another city, so she had to change schools yet again. This year has been a disaster. For one thing, she is now changing classes and has 6 different teachers. it has become clear that she cannot handle this-not with the executive function issues she has. Also, even though I've had several meetings with certain teachers, she has difficulty with a couple of teacher who "don't believe" in ADHD and just think she is lazy and/or manipulating me as a parent. Now, this has been especially difficult because I am a teacher here. Seeing what my daughter is going through has made it clear that we have to homeschool again. In fact, she is asking to homeschool again. However, I do still have to work. My husband still works an overnight shift, so my daughter will not be home alone. I may have a schedule that allows for a couple of early leave days next year. Otherwise, we will be mostly schooling in the evenings because my daughter is not a very independent worker.


Does anyone else who might be in a similar situation have any recommendations for me concerning schedule, curriculum and social activities for my daughter. I would appreciate hearing all ideas. I plan on doing year round homeschooling if that helps.

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This is cs or ps where she attends?  And she has an IEP or no IEP?  I'm all for homeschooling and I'm (of course) heavily in favor of interventions.  However it seems like the homeschooling is an escape.  Rather than figuring out what supports and interventions she needs to be able to do age-appropriate things, you're pulling the requirement to do the things.  I would just think through that and figure out what interventions you are planning to bring in.  If she doesn't get those skills now, she doesn't have them to pursue college or a job.  Even if she comes home, she's going to need some settings and instruction so she develops those skills. 

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I am curious about the school environment too (public, private, etc.). I applaud you for wanting to remove your daughter from a situation that could spiral out of control and/or leave her feeling inadequate. It's not okay to tell these kids that their problems are fiction! I hate it when teachers do that!!!


  • She is going to need social skills intervention, not just social opportunities--do you have a plan for this?
  • Behavioral intervention can be used to help gain the executive functioning skills/compliance to be more independent in her work, but it takes doing this in bite-sized pieces and accountability with someone supervising. My son has become quite independent, but the wheels fall off the bus without close supervision and discussion. I can't just take a completely checklist as proof that things are going well. It's so much more than that.

    This can happen in a home environment, but it won't happen without intentional work and a plan between you and your husband (and maybe outside help). Also, 2e ASD kiddos can kind of back themselves into corners academically without realizing it--they might have workarounds for problems that create a bigger problem in the long-run, they can be resistant to input and feedback from others, while also wanting help (or alienating the helper!!!...or yelling at the helper!!!...or not knowing what to ask...). It's a messy dynamic. For instance, we have a behavior plan that includes things like accepting input and feedback from a parent/teacher without getting defensive, etc. This is a social skill, and it has a behavioral component as well.

    Basically, these kids resist having someone knock off the rough edges, and they have a lot of rough edges. (I love my ASD kiddo and think he's fantastic, but he can act in a way that makes him look like a total jerk). It's not something they come programmed to do easily, and as a result, they avoid, they create conflict around it, etc. But they NEED that outside perspective from an adult, and they often need it for very little, easily overlooked things that can snowball and put them in a bind. Most of my son's overwhelm can be traced back to this kind of thing. Almost 100%. My son has  LOT of self-awareness for someone on the spectrum (he sees, though often in hindsight, where he self-sabotaged, and it's hard on him). Now, some kids are less self-aware, and they might need more black and white rules. A behaviorist can help you decide what is reasonable to expect from your child in this regard. Our bar is pretty high because under ideal circumstances, it takes getting to know my son to realize that something is up. 

    This is a problem in school too. You can tackle this problem in school or at home, but it must be addressed. If addressing it at home is easier, then go for it. 
  • I would go into this with a very clear idea of what skills need to develop, and then I would get a behaviorist, consultant, etc. to help formulate a plan (and see them for ongoing troubleshooting).

I can try to answer more questions about what you actually asked, but these are the concerns that continually rise to the top with my son. In our case, at least when he was younger, school exacerbated these personal growth concerns while almost completely removing the possibility of addressing them. At home, we have the same issues, but we can kind of control the temperature of the situation and allow the problems to boil up in a more controlled fashion while we work on them, but it takes creativity to evaluate where my son is in all his capabilities--academics are the easiest part of all of it. The best thing we ever did was bring in a behaviorist to work on this stuff. Even then, it took a while for him to hit a wall that was evident to the behaviorist (he hides thing well!). 


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Is there a school option that is not where you work? Bc I would tend to say, try to have the IEP followed.


But when you work there, you have a lot of limitations in doing that.


But you need to be employed, too!


I also wonder if you could move somewhere that is better. I don't think it is a crazy thing to do, if maybe your husband could get a job somewhere else.


Bc it is frustrating that your daughter has been successful in school.


A nearby middle school has students in a group of 4 who have the same schedule and help with organizing and transitions.


Sometimes kids can get EF goals and a resource period at school to have help with organization.


If the situation is beyond where that would help; that is different.


If she might do well if she was properly accomodated; I think it is worth a try.


It sounds like a hard situation to make work.


But I am not in favor of leaving kids in a mentally harmful situation, either.


Sometimes that is reality.


Sorry I have no advice like you are needing right now.

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