What do you do for learning strikes?

[3 ladybugs]

My 7 year old is on a learning strike. He refuses to do schoolwork for the last 2 days. I am trying something different this time and not hounding him about it, I am just taking things away. Yesterday he lost his i-pad/TV and desert. Today he lost toy cars (as well as iPad/TV and desert). Not sure what I will take away tomorrow. 

 

Part of me thinks that he is doing this because then daddy will have to pay attention to him all weekend. Last week he pulled this and my DH spent all weekend with him getting him "caught up". We can't afford to do that again so I told DH not to do that this weekend. I need things done around the house before his parents come out in about a month and they NEED to be done. There are only so many weekends in a month!

 

Anyway, am I on the right track of how to deal with this? My son is ahead in most of his subjects enough that even a month of this wouldn't be the end of the world. Besides we school year round. 

 

BTW my younger son also has school and he is doing okay in not following big brother's example for now. He does have his moments but so far it hasn't been an issue as he likes having his toys and he can't play with them till after "circles" (circle time or school) as he calls it. 

[Miss Mousie]

Oh my.  I've never had to deal with that, but given what you've said about attention from Dad and DS being ahead, what do you think would happen if you called next week an off week for both kids but still do not return older's goodies?

 

Is there anything at all that older can help with to prepare for the visit?

 

Do you think he would eventually get bored enough to ask for schoolwork, or at least spend the week reading?

 

I'm thinking along the lines of taking the power back....

 

[HomeAgain]

What does he do instead of school, then?

I think I would require presence.  Whether or not he did the work would be up to him, but his presence at the lessons would be required.

[OneStepAtATime]

I'd first be asking myself a lot of questions regarding why he has shut down so completely, before deciding on additional punishments.  Most of the time if a child shuts down this much at such a young age there is an underlying cause that maybe the child isn't even aware of, much less the parent.  And it may be a combination of things, making it harder to determine what is happening.

 

1.  Is he bored?

2.  Is he struggling in a subject/skill set and embarrassed to admit it?

3.  Is he needing more attention from Dad on a regular basis?

4.  Is he needing more time to play with friends?

5.  Does he need more physical activities?

6.  Does he have anything he does outside of home?

7.  How long does academics usually last each day when he isn't so shut down?

8.  Are the materials/teaching style you are using a good fit for this child?

9.  Is he depressed/anxious about something?

10.  Is he needing more "mom" time with you and less "teacher" time?

11.  Have you sat down and just tried to talk to him, without anger/frustration/punishment?  Just talked about what is bothering him and then just listened to what he had to say, without any negative or instructional or judgmental response?  If so, what did he say?

12.  Is it possible he has a learning issue like stealth dyslexia or dysgraphia or maybe he is gifted or even both (2e)?

13.  Is he jealous of his sibling?  Is his sibling finding school to be much easier than he does?

14.  Do you sit with him while he does his lessons?  Do you interact with him during lessons and have discussions and rabbit trails together or does he function without you for most or many things?

Edited April 7, 2016 by OneStepAtATime

[Rosie_0801]

It sounds like the cure is more attention from dad.

 

 

Dd only strikes when she's too stressed to do otherwise. I lay out all the subjects I'm willing to administer and let her choose what she will and won't do.

[3 ladybugs]

Right now he is playing obsolete alarm sensors from our home alarm. He has read to his brother and to himself in this time.

 

1. I don't think he is bored with his schoolwork. 

2. He was struggling with a couple subjects recently but I took a couple weeks to review (which turned into longer time because I got ill for a week in there so no schooling got done) recently. 

3. My husband has made it very clear that he will pay more attention to him and do fun things with him (RC cars and such) if he gets his schoolwork done. 

4. I am unsure about friends. He has told me about someone that he is friends with in his german class. I am unsure where they live in relation to us as we travel about 40 minutes one way to go to German school but I told him I would try to reach out to their parents to see about a playdate. He also sees a local friend every week at swim time. He also has Sunday school every Sunday. 

5. My son plays baseball 2 times a week right now and has swim class once a week. I also encourage my children to go outside often when the weather is appropriate (not muddy as my children don't like to get dirty - I know, odd for boys). 

6. See answer 4 and 5.

7. All told it takes him about 3 hours a day to get things done, when he does them. Sometimes less, sometimes more. *His brother is normally done in 1.5-2 hours.

8. He seems to like the style. We have had issues with this in the past and I really took a step back and thought about things before proceeding. I finally feel we are in a good spot with everything now for him.

9. I have no idea what it could be that he would be depressed or anxious about. We have talked about his grandparents coming out and they will probably move here in the future, but nothing is set yet. I have been anxious about my 14 year old sister going to China today (school trip) but I don't think he has seen much of that. He hears the news sometimes but in the last couple weeks I haven't heard much so I doubt he has. 

10. We have had a different relationship since his brother was born. Up until that day, he was VERY over protective of me. I got diagnosed with cancer when he was just 15 months old and he was with me at EVERY Chemo appointment. When I was in radiation (he was almost 2 at that point) I would have to sleep with him till he fell asleep then I got up before he woke up and drove the hour each way to my radiation appointment. DH said he was always looking for me. We ended up getting a puppy (something he REALLY wanted) when I was done with treatments. The next 2 years we did all sorts of things eventually starting schoolwork early as I could tell he wanted it. He did PreK at 3, K at 4 though I am not sure how much he got out either. When I got pregnant (finally, it took 3 tries and honestly a miracle to get last and oldest frozen embryo), he was with me through most of the VERY high risk appointments. He was always my little guy. The day I gave birth, he was watched by grandma and grandpa who had rented a hotel nearby with a pool (it was July). I thought he would be anxious to see his little brother, whom he seemed to be looking forward to. Instead he just was kind of "whatever" and wanted to go back to the hotel. I tried my best to connect with him after that but the stupid doctors didn't tell me everything and we spend a few months worried about my baby's growth. Since that time he has come to really enjoy his brother but our relationship is less then ideal. It has it's moments but he is more of a daddy's boy now. I could probably try more but honestly we haven't found our "thing" yet. 

11. In the past when I have asked him about this he doesn't say anything to me. I end up spoon feeding him reasons and he parrots them back to me. 

12. I am not sure what all of those are. I have had his eyes tested and they said that he has 20/35 vision and an astigmatism and that is it. He is smart. He acts exactly like his daddy who honestly can qualify for Mensa but thinks it is pretentious (no offense). 

13. I am sure he has some jealousy to his brother, but I am not sure what I could do about it. His brother JUST started school on March 2. I have him doing a boxed curriculum. He is only 2 (3 in July) and so I am not pushing him too much (though he is starting to read and getting counting). I do have my older son do some of the circle time with my younger son as long as he does it in German. He is doing well with this, but I know he wants to do ALL the activities with his brother. They are all too young for him do I don't include him. 

14. He has lessons that are both with and without me. He is a kinesthetic learner so we do things like AAR, AAS, and Shiller Math. He is also doing SSL, ZB penmanship with a fountain pen, vocabulary (ZB) and once a week Art. Daddy does HO and Elemental Science with him. I have workboxes for him and I use an excel sheet to plan my week, and print out daily sheets for him to do all of his schoolwork from. I highlight (in color) the things I think he can do on his own while I am working with his brother. The rest I do with him. So on a given day he doing things without me when I am working with his brother, and then things with me (sometimes before and after working with his brother). He does History and Science at night or on the weekend with DH. I should also say that I do use his iPad to dictate things like spelling words that he will write out. 

[Carol in Cal.]

My philosophy might be a little bit unusual, but one of the reasons that I wanted to homeschool was specifically to be able to be home with my kid and give her personal attention.  I think that if I got very distracted, and she made it clear somehow that she needed more attention, that would be a reasonable thing for her to want, and I would need to figure out how to give it to her, even if schoolwork suffered some (at that age.)

 

It's analogous to how I viewed daycare.  When DD was 2 1/2 and I had to go back to work for a while, she was pretty distraught.  I didn't think she was bad to be distraught (although it was certainly very inconvenient).  Rather, I thought that she wanted her mother, and that that was natural and reasonable for a 2 year old, and that society and the absolute necessity for me to go back to work then was the abnormal, wrong thing, not her.  So I gave her a lot of extra attention during that whole period, and I never conveyed to her that I thought she was bad to want this.  Funny thing, she started sleeping with me every night, and once I finally was able to quit my job, after about 2 weeks she went back to sleeping in her own room except when she had a nightmare and came in in the middle of the night.  She did this on her own, no discussion; it was just natural.  She was not needing to be there at night anymore because I was around all day.

 

That's fundamental to attachment parenting.  The idea is that you don't spoil your kid by indulging them with attention (obviously avoiding forcing it on them in a smothering fashion), but rather that if you give them the attention they need, it gives them a secure emotional base from which to launch themselves fearlessly.  DD is 20 now, and it worked for her.

 

Regarding your son, you've selected this fight, and I would not have done so, but I have picked fights I shouldn't have a time or two. Some of them I apologized for, and some I just made a midcourse correction--it depends on how badly and for how long I felt like I had gone off course.  My inclination would be to quietly start giving him a lot more attention, without making a big deal out of it.  At some point, fairly soon, I'd tell him that the time was up, and give him back his stuff.  The increase in attention might look like this: I'd incorporate him into the other things you were doing anyway, kind of like tomato staking, a lot.  I'd read to him and then while we cooked dinner together discuss that reading and what we saw outside the day before and all kinds of things.  I'd tell progressive stories with him while we were driving around--I have a line and then he has a line.  I'd start corresponding with him in writing, with some kind of family mailbox for our messages back and forth.  This stuff is all education, but it is also relational.  I'd ask him to read to his little brother and be in the room folding clothes while he did that.  At the end I'd tell his little brother to thank him.  I'd quietly insist that he do his work, but I'd be in the room while he did it.  7 is still really young.  I don't think too many people have much luck setting a 7 year old to work on his own with or without a 2 year old in the same room.  Re. the two year old, I think it's pretty nice that your 7YO wants to be with his brother and that you would be wise to encourage that.  Let him be the big, strong, protective older brother sometimes, the one who the little one respects. It will help him a lot, and give them a better shot at a good relationship.

Edited April 8, 2016 by Carol in Cal.

[regentrude]

I would take it as a sign that something is not working - and I do think him wanting Dad's attention is understandable and not a bad thing. Can Dad do educational activities with him? At that age it does not take much formal work.

I would probably do a radically different approach and completely change the way we do "school". I'd ditch curriculum and just... learn, in a way that does not seem "schoolish". At age 7, you can get away with that easily. It should be easy to get an elementary age kid curious and excited about learning; if my kid wasn't, I'd think the materials we have been using are not a good fit.

 

What I would not do is take away stuff. Somehow I cannot see this to create an atmosphere that is conducive to excitement about education. (Besides, this would not have worked at all to pressure my kids into doing anything they did not want to do. Setting up a battle of wills would create a power struggle that is unwinnable if the child is strong willed.)

 

ETA: I also cannot think of anything more important a father could do at home than spend time with his kids. Not being available because he has stuff you tell him to do to get ready for the grandparents... I can see how that could rather damage the kids' relationship with the grandparents who take their father away from him preemptively. (Btw,  my DH would not be "told" by me what time he may or may not spend with his kid and would not be dictated what chores he had to do instead.  )

Edited April 8, 2016 by regentrude

[MomatHWTK]

I include any child in any experience they want to be included in- especially if I want the children to bond well together. It sounds like there are a lot of unnecessary conflicts being set up in your household. Let the child's personality guide your more than your own ideas of what should be. 

[Ravin]

Right now he is playing obsolete alarm sensors from our home alarm. He has read to his brother and to himself in this time.

 

1. I don't think he is bored with his schoolwork. 

2. He was struggling with a couple subjects recently but I took a couple weeks to review (which turned into longer time because I got ill for a week in there so no schooling got done) recently. 

3. My husband has made it very clear that he will pay more attention to him and do fun things with him (RC cars and such) if he gets his schoolwork done. 

4. I am unsure about friends. He has told me about someone that he is friends with in his german class. I am unsure where they live in relation to us as we travel about 40 minutes one way to go to German school but I told him I would try to reach out to their parents to see about a playdate. He also sees a local friend every week at swim time. He also has Sunday school every Sunday. 

5. My son plays baseball 2 times a week right now and has swim class once a week. I also encourage my children to go outside often when the weather is appropriate (not muddy as my children don't like to get dirty - I know, odd for boys). 

6. See answer 4 and 5.

7. All told it takes him about 3 hours a day to get things done, when he does them. Sometimes less, sometimes more. *His brother is normally done in 1.5-2 hours.

8. He seems to like the style. We have had issues with this in the past and I really took a step back and thought about things before proceeding. I finally feel we are in a good spot with everything now for him.

9. I have no idea what it could be that he would be depressed or anxious about. We have talked about his grandparents coming out and they will probably move here in the future, but nothing is set yet. I have been anxious about my 14 year old sister going to China today (school trip) but I don't think he has seen much of that. He hears the news sometimes but in the last couple weeks I haven't heard much so I doubt he has. 

10. We have had a different relationship since his brother was born. Up until that day, he was VERY over protective of me. I got diagnosed with cancer when he was just 15 months old and he was with me at EVERY Chemo appointment. When I was in radiation (he was almost 2 at that point) I would have to sleep with him till he fell asleep then I got up before he woke up and drove the hour each way to my radiation appointment. DH said he was always looking for me. We ended up getting a puppy (something he REALLY wanted) when I was done with treatments. The next 2 years we did all sorts of things eventually starting schoolwork early as I could tell he wanted it. He did PreK at 3, K at 4 though I am not sure how much he got out either. When I got pregnant (finally, it took 3 tries and honestly a miracle to get last and oldest frozen embryo), he was with me through most of the VERY high risk appointments. He was always my little guy. The day I gave birth, he was watched by grandma and grandpa who had rented a hotel nearby with a pool (it was July). I thought he would be anxious to see his little brother, whom he seemed to be looking forward to. Instead he just was kind of "whatever" and wanted to go back to the hotel. I tried my best to connect with him after that but the stupid doctors didn't tell me everything and we spend a few months worried about my baby's growth. Since that time he has come to really enjoy his brother but our relationship is less then ideal. It has it's moments but he is more of a daddy's boy now. I could probably try more but honestly we haven't found our "thing" yet. 

11. In the past when I have asked him about this he doesn't say anything to me. I end up spoon feeding him reasons and he parrots them back to me. 

12. I am not sure what all of those are. I have had his eyes tested and they said that he has 20/35 vision and an astigmatism and that is it. He is smart. He acts exactly like his daddy who honestly can qualify for Mensa but thinks it is pretentious (no offense). 

13. I am sure he has some jealousy to his brother, but I am not sure what I could do about it. His brother JUST started school on March 2. I have him doing a boxed curriculum. He is only 2 (3 in July) and so I am not pushing him too much (though he is starting to read and getting counting). I do have my older son do some of the circle time with my younger son as long as he does it in German. He is doing well with this, but I know he wants to do ALL the activities with his brother. They are all too young for him do I don't include him. 

14. He has lessons that are both with and without me. He is a kinesthetic learner so we do things like AAR, AAS, and Shiller Math. He is also doing SSL, ZB penmanship with a fountain pen, vocabulary (ZB) and once a week Art. Daddy does HO and Elemental Science with him. I have workboxes for him and I use an excel sheet to plan my week, and print out daily sheets for him to do all of his schoolwork from. I highlight (in color) the things I think he can do on his own while I am working with his brother. The rest I do with him. So on a given day he doing things without me when I am working with his brother, and then things with me (sometimes before and after working with his brother). He does History and Science at night or on the weekend with DH. I should also say that I do use his iPad to dictate things like spelling words that he will write out. 

 

The biggest things I see in this more detailed response are:

 

1. Fun Time with dad should not be dependent upon schoolwork.

2. It will not hurt him to include him in his brother's lessons. It won't hurt his brother either as long as you don't let the older one answer everything for the younger. Let him tutor/help teach him, make him a part of that part of the day. If the younger still naps, let that time be for you sitting down one-on-one with the older one, or for him to do his independent work without his brother distracting him while you get a break. If he resists schoolwork, read to him or let him build with legos--anything that's at least nominally educational. Even screen time IF it's educational screen time. He's 7, there are plenty of "out of the box" ways for him to learn.

 

1. is based upon excellent advice from my DD's therapist that really helped with her.

2. is based upon how I would handle my DD if I had a do-over of the last several years--plus what you said about the brothers being close and there maybe being some jealousy going on. Give the younger one on one time when the older is busy with Dad or engrossed in something such that it's not going to bother him.

[Coco_Clark]

This is ME, and what I would do...so take what you want and feel free to chuck the rest.

 

I would hard stop school. Full brakes on both kids. And I would spend that time repairing relationships. Spending time together just enjoying each other. Having those conversations about anxiety and jealousy and why school isn't working, with enough silence to actually get an answer. I would FIND "our thing". I would spend up to next September if I had to and I'd make sure he felt ready before I restarted. I dont think it would take that long- but I would be willing to spend it. It sounds like wasted time but honestly? How efficient is working with a kid on strike? You are getting no where anyways.

 

I would also make large efforts towards making friends and organizing playtime with them. Activities do not equal play or friendship. They may lead to either, but even if a child has an activity every night of the week it doesn't necessarily mean he is getting a satisfying social life.

 

When I started school back up...

 

Time with parents would not be dependent on school work. Screens? Sure. But I would not hold attention/affection as a hostage to performance.

 

I would allow older to sit in on youngers lessons. There is no harm in doing quality activities that are "too young". In fact Id be looking into why he's more interested in brothers school than his own. Basic jealousy? Is his own work too hard or not enjoyable? Burn out?

[Tanaqui]

When my kids act up, my first instinct is to try to punish the problem away. I think that's very common in our culture, actually.

 

However, years of painful experience have shown me that this is not the most efficient or effective way to solve problems. I can't give you specific advice on your situation, because I wasn't homeschooling at 7 and I don't have any experience as an adult with school refusal, but I urge you to consider carefully some of the advice in this thread where people give ideas other than simply taking away privileges until he shapes up.

 

(Also? I firmly agree that parental attention should not be contingent on whether or not he does his schoolwork. That just sets the stage for a lot more problems further down the line.)

[OneStepAtATime]

OP, I realize this is very frustrating for you.  Having had to deal with serious health issues isn't easy either (BTDT).  It can really throw things off kilter.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:   Parenting is hard, and when you are in the moment it is easy to not know which way to leap or lose sight of the overall goals.  

 

I do think that others have a point.  There are some situations being set up that are going to push this child to butt heads with you and may potentially damage the relationship significantly.  I agree with others, I think I would bring formal academics to a full stop for a bit.  Don't make this a force of wills.  Your child is trying to tell you he is hurting in some way.  Things I noticed off the top of my head (and I don't mean this as a criticism, just as my observations.  I am sending you lots of supportive vibes, I promise.):

 

Honestly, after your more detailed post, I was saddened to see that hanging out with Dad was dependent on finishing school work.  I admit I would strongly hesitate to tell my child that hanging out with me or my husband was dependent on if they finish school work (or chores or anything else like that).  It makes it seem like school work is more important than the family bond and spending quality time with the child.  As a child that would have hurt me.  I would have taken it to mean that my only real value was my school work, not me as a person.  As an adult that would hurt me, too.  Think of it this way:  Would it be motivational and help your self-esteem if your husband came home and told you that he wasn't going to hang out with you since you hadn't finished all the dishes and the laundry?  

 

3 hours of school work seems like a lot for a 7 year old if most of it is seat work, not interest led.  

 

And I have to agree with others, if he wants to spend time with his younger brother I would absolutely cultivate that while they are still young.  Once he hits the pre-teens it may be too late to really foster that bond.  Let him "teach" his younger brother, and "help" you with lessons.  

 

Covering academics for a 7 year old can be really pretty short.  If he is struggling with math or reading, then yes, he may need some very specific one on one targeted instruction but lessons could still be kept short.  His younger brother is so young there really wouldn't be anything I think an older brother couldn't be around to "help" with.  Let the rest be interest led for now.  Audio books, documentaries, games, science exploration, cooking, gardening, field trips, impromptu plays, fort building, etc.

 

Enjoy this time.  They are both still very young.

 

Hugs, best wishes, and good luck

Edited April 8, 2016 by OneStepAtATime

[HomeAgain]

I'm going to throw this out there - I think the one person you should truly be discussing this with is right in front of you. :)

 

My oldest and I used to go have conferences.  One on one time, with a sweet or a trip downtown to the cafe where we talked about our week or month.  "Hey, kid, what did you like doing this week?  Didn't like?" "Okay, here's the schedule for next week - everything on this side HAS to get done, but I'm willing to drop some on that side.  How we get it done is up to you, so lets figure out a way to make this work."  And then I'd listen, write down pros/cons to solutions, and we'd each voice concerns.

 

Age 7 is a little young, but even my 6yo is vocal about his likes/dislikes.  I may have to guide him more by giving a handful of options, but the most important thing during these weekly or monthly times is that you listen and he feels heard.  No, not all of his ideas will be put in place, but neither will all yours.  The goal is to hit a compromise and a tweakable plan to work through until the next conference.

[OneStepAtATime]

 

10. We have had a different relationship since his brother was born. Up until that day, he was VERY over protective of me. I got diagnosed with cancer when he was just 15 months old and he was with me at EVERY Chemo appointment. When I was in radiation (he was almost 2 at that point) I would have to sleep with him till he fell asleep then I got up before he woke up and drove the hour each way to my radiation appointment. DH said he was always looking for me. We ended up getting a puppy (something he REALLY wanted) when I was done with treatments. The next 2 years we did all sorts of things eventually starting schoolwork early as I could tell he wanted it. He did PreK at 3, K at 4 though I am not sure how much he got out either. When I got pregnant (finally, it took 3 tries and honestly a miracle to get last and oldest frozen embryo), he was with me through most of the VERY high risk appointments. He was always my little guy. The day I gave birth, he was watched by grandma and grandpa who had rented a hotel nearby with a pool (it was July). I thought he would be anxious to see his little brother, whom he seemed to be looking forward to. Instead he just was kind of "whatever" and wanted to go back to the hotel. I tried my best to connect with him after that but the stupid doctors didn't tell me everything and we spend a few months worried about my baby's growth. Since that time he has come to really enjoy his brother but our relationship is less then ideal. It has it's moments but he is more of a daddy's boy now. I could probably try more but honestly we haven't found our "thing" yet. 

 

11. In the past when I have asked him about this he doesn't say anything to me. I end up spoon feeding him reasons and he parrots them back to me. 

 

12. I am not sure what all of those are. I have had his eyes tested and they said that he has 20/35 vision and an astigmatism and that is it. He is smart. He acts exactly like his daddy who honestly can qualify for Mensa but thinks it is pretentious (no offense). 

 

I realized I wanted to address these three things more particularly.  

 

With #10 and #11, he may not know how to articulate what is bothering him but it may very well tie to the change in your relationship once his younger brother came along.  There is nothing wrong with being a Daddy's boy but I would definitely try very hard to mend the relationship between the two of you.  Maybe you and your older son could brainstorm some great things to do with the 2 year old.  Work as a team to find some cool projects to do as a family.  Have him come up with lists of vocabulary words he could act out for his younger brother.  Or whatever.  There are dozens and dozens of things that the three of you could do together that might help your older son feel useful and appreciated and loved that would also help strengthen the bond between he and his brother and he and you and even he and his dad.  Right now you have more options.  When he hits the preteen years and hormones it may become a WHOLE lot harder to turn things around.  FWIW, my son does not have a younger sibling and has desperately wanted one from the time he was 2.  It is something he regrets nearly daily.  Not all kids are interested in hanging out with a younger sibling.  If yours is, definitely cultivate that while he is still interested.  

 

#12  Dyslexia means a difficulty in phonological processing.  Can he effectively sound out nonsense words and words he has never seen before?  How is his spelling?  Dyslexia frequently shows up in people who are very intelligent, even gifted, because their brains are wired a bit differently. Usually they have strengths in other areas, and may end up being great engineers or surgeons or pilots or architects or inventors or entrepreneurs, etc, etc. in adulthood if they were not undermined as a child for difficulties with reading or writing or spelling.

 

Dysgraphia means difficulty writing.  That can be caused by a lot of things.  There are a ton of processes that go into writing.  It can be physical issue such as poor motor planning or a neurological issue such as difficulty pulling up the words and organizing thoughts to get onto the page.  At the extreme it can mean atrocious, illegible physical handwriting or extremely slow handwriting with poor sizing/spacing control or whatever, but not always.  Sometimes the handwriting looks o.k. It is the struggle to get thoughts on paper that causes trip ups.

 

2e means a person who has a learning challenge such as one of the above but also is gifted.  This can be the hardest scenario because the child functions extremely highly in some areas but struggles in others.  To a layman it might look like the child is being defiant or lazy when in fact they have a glitch or difference in processing that makes certain tasks exceedingly difficult.  They may be working 10 times harder than a neurotypical child but only producing mediocre work or maybe taking a LOT longer to finish their work or both.  Their efforts may not be recognized because what they produce is not up to what the parent/instructor feels is their potential.  The effort is behind closed doors so to speak.  Their gifts mask their challenges and their challenges mask just how strong their strengths could be.

 

With regards to the vision exam, was it done by a developmental optometrist?  There is a possibility that he might have a developmental issue which would not show up during a standard eye screening unless the eye doctor normally does that type of screening.  For instance, my son had more than perfect visual acuity but it turns out that he also has heterophoria.  One eye drifts just slightly out of alignment, especially when he is tired, but it wasn't really noticeable at all from just looking at him.  Normal eye exams never caught it but he had some odd glitches.  He had a bit of an issue with coordination.  Not bad but it was there.  He seemed overly sensitive to changes in light.  Things like that.  Nothing big.  After insisting on a screening for developmental vision issues (at the recommendation of people on this board) it turns out he has heterophoria and that was causing a lot of eye fatigue when he tried to read.  It made reading really unappealing even though he could never articulate why.  Vision Therapy helped.  

Edited April 8, 2016 by OneStepAtATime

[3 ladybugs]

Last night my husband had enough and forced him to start his schoolwork. I don't think I would have done what DH did (pretty sure I wouldn't have) but hubby was fed up with all of it. In 2 hours they were completely done with the whole day's worth of work (we are still behind a day this week but it is better). I talked to him this morning and told him of some things I had planned for us but we never seem to have time. He liked those ideas and promised to do his schoolwork today and this weekend so we can do them. We don't lock our child away in his room if he doesn't do his schoolwork, we just don't let him have certain things, and we don't do special things with him if he hasn't done it. Exceptions to this would be in the summer with camping.

 

The work that needs to be done around the house is because I live in New Jersey and since my DH isn't a CEO or the like, we don't have a house that has a dedicated room where we can set up as a guest room that would only get used a couple of weeks a year. Our whole house gets used all the time and most rooms have more then one purpose. Our guest room is in the basement which is also the playroom, a sewing room, laundry room, workshop and storage. Recently I got some shelving that we have yet to utilize because life happened and we had no time. We have also had some sewer backups that are behind our trampoline down there so that creates a mess (not sewage mess thankfully but just pulling things out and putting them back). The last visitor to our house was in October and I had less then 8 hours (overnight) to prepare for them. Needless to say it wasn't to my usual standard (thankfully it was my mom, though it was bad as her husband had a stroke while on business in NYC). So the basement has some serious cleaning that needs to happen before my in-laws come out. My MIL has also mobility issues. She can handle the basement steps but she needs other things that are minor but we don't have our house set up like that all the time. Combine that with spring starting and needing to do yard work, DS baseball games, German taking all morning on Saturdays, we still eat so we need to go shopping for that (not just one store, normally 3-4), church on Sunday, and you can see how even something that would take a good 2-3 hours of just focused work, could turn into a big deal. 

 

My husband does play with our son nearly every weekend. I can hardly remember a weekend he didn't. One of the reasons we go camping in the summer is because of the fact that we realized that we needed some more quality family time. Camping allows us to just relax without having to worry about things and such. I just wish our dog liked it as much as we do. We normally end up boarding him. 

 

My husband and his father have horrible eyes. I know we were worried about a lazy eye with both children (this son actually had high oxygen at birth so we have watched him for other issues). I believe he had a reading test at the last eye exam though I could be mistaken. My son has made comments that he gets board with some of his schoolwork but when I test him on it he is at the right level. Just now I was reading to him from his worksheet for vocabulary sentences that had missing vocabulary words in it. He refused to do this assignment when I was working with his brother earlier, but now that I was reading it to him, he got nearly every word correct. I don't know what that means other then he seems to lack confidence in some things. This lack of confidence we have also seen in his german speaking (he gets report cards) and even when he was learning to speak english. 

 

I do utilize teachable moments. Yesterday (or is that today??) my sister flew from LA to China. So I used that time (even though he refused to do schoolwork) to teach him about how the shortest distance between 2 points is a straight line, but it may not be the line we think. I will touch on this again in 2 weeks when she comes back. 

 

I talked to my son about different things I used to like to do that could be done when my younger son is still around. He seemed to want to do some of them. Some of them are odd, but hey he is my kid so I guess that should be expected. I will see how it goes. Something tells me this may not be all of it, just spending time with him more or focusing on it more. We will have to see.