s/o - friends

[Bluegoat]

REading the thread about whether our husbands have friends, I got to thinking about my families - my mom's, dad's, and in-laws, and how different their friendship culture is.

 

For example, in my mom and step-dads life, they don't seem to have many friends at all.  My mom's last close friends were, I think, from her nursing training days, and when I was little she went out about once a year with them.  Now she hasn't spoken to most in years though they try and keep up I think with family news.  She is similar with my aunt - my father's brother's ex-wife - they were at one time time quite close but now mostly see each other occasionally at funerals and such where there is a real family cross-section. 

 

I also don't think her parents had huge circles of friends, especially after my grandfather left the navy.  Mostly they associate with family.  My step-father is the same, but even more so - the closest thing he has seemed to have are friendly collegues.

 

My dad on the other hand seems to be much more inclined to develope friendships, and he spends a lot of time with friends.  People he knew in high school, people who are much older than him, or much younger, people who are really strange sometimes.  His parents also seemed to have a much larger circle of intimate friends they kept over the years, some of them were people who I didn't realize until I was much older were not actually family.

 

My ILs are more like that too.  They have a boat and so have a club membership but it is largely a social thing - they go to events and such.  They know and socialize regularly with their neighbours.  They go every year or so to meet up with some people they were friends with when they lived elsewhere.

 

It all makes me wonder how different families are about such things.

[J-rap]

I'd guess that for the most part, how you view friendships as an adult often reflects your parents' view of friendships.  My parents both grew up in smaller but very caring circles, mostly relatives but also a small group of very close friends.  When I watch the old Dick Van Dyke shows, they remind me of my parents.  They had their close group of couple friends that they did things with a lot.  They really enjoyed that.  That continued while I was growing up, as many of those couple friends also became family friends.  We'd spend holidays together, go camping together, or the adults would play bridge together, go out for dinner together, etc.  Part of that was because all of the other families (including us) lived in an area thousands of miles away from any relatives.  

 

That naturally changed a bit as we grew up and had our own families.  Then my parents, if they had to choose, would rather spend their social time with us!   :)  But, they still, even at 88, really enjoy getting together with their old (and some newer) friends, usually as couples.

 

I think both my husband and I are a lot like that too, though our social circle is probably a little bigger -- partly because we have lived and traveled in a lot of places.  We love to keep up those friendships when we can.  Just last week, we were able to get together with a couple who we only have the chance to see about every five years.  It was such a fun weekend!  But, we don't feel the need to be with friends constantly.  (Neither did my parents.)  Life is busy enough and as our children become adults, they have become our best friends.

[Pam in CT]

Yeah, I've been thinking about this issue too, especially since I read Atul Gawande's soooooo great Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End.

 

My parents are in very good health for their pretty advanced ages, and have -- truly -- a more active and diverse social life than my husband and me, and even my younger kids.  They moved to a college town after they retired, take a course or two every semester, both work two days a week with Habitat and a museum respectively, and have made a bazillion friends of all types and ages.

 

When I really parse it, though, it's my mother who actually moves the social bar beyond who they see situationally to what they do socially -- she's the one who arranges the meet-at-the-movies dates with other couples they meet at a class, who invites the Habitat team over for a closing celebration dinner, who signed up their house to host the bed-and-breakfast-benefit the town library runs during Parents' Weekends at the college and so on.  My father is super game but he's largely going along for the ride.

 

I'm conscious of this because only after my mother-in-law died, did we realize that she too largely filled this role... so now I worry a bit for my father if my mother goes first.

[Rosie_0801]

In my life, it seems it all depends on how much money is coming in. Low wages and long commute- no real time for friends. Lots of money due to high power job- no real time for friends. You have to make enough to afford housing close to work, but not have too much responsibility.

[Prairie~Phlox]

We are blessed to live next door to some really great people that have become great friends.  We hang out on the weekends, have "family" dinner on Sundays where we take turns cooking and just this past weekend had dinner every night together (I cooked Friday cause she wasn't feeling well and then Saturday she called and said, don't cook dinner, come over for spaghetti) & Sunday was my "family" dinner night.  It's worked well, we spent Easter dinner with them and always do Christmas dinner as well (just celebrated the 3rd year of that) We have other friends too, friends from church that we occasionally get together with, but that we could call on if we needed something.  My parents don't so a lot with other people, but my dad is a farmer and always has meetings and what not to attend, they also have a church family. 

[eternalsummer]

I had never thought about this, but my parents didn't have all that many close friends after they'd had kids.  They were married for 8 years before having me, and were best friends with another couple; they maintained those friendships to a degree, but when they moved they didn't continue them.

 

My dad had a best friend that he'd had since he was 4 years old.  They had a few long-term spats, and it was long distance once we moved out of state, but they remained friends, give or take.  He was Dad's first call when Dad knew he was dying; I don't think they'd spoken before that in years.

 

Largely my parents just had each other.

 

My best friend from high school became my sister in law as I married her older brother.  I have not made a new best friend since then; I still think of her as my best friend rather than my SIL, although we talk/see each other maybe twice a year.

 

At any rate, all of that to say, DH and I are each other's closest friend and to a large extent only friend; that is okay with me :)  Possibly because it was okay with my parents!

Edited April 4, 2016 by ananemone

[SKL]

My mom always told me that you can count your true friends on the fingers of one hand.  And that has been true as a general rule for most people I've observed.

 

My parents had friends who were couples when I was young.  Gradually they all moved away from each other and only kept in touch occasionally.

 

My mom had one "best friend" from age 13 until her friend died about 10 years ago.  I also have one particular "best friend" who will probably be my best friend until one of us dies.

 

My dad seems to have moved from having "fun friends" as a young adult to being closer to his family and re-connecting with old friends who weren't "fun friends."  I don't know if he has ever had the kind of "best friend" we women in the family have had.  It might be a gender thing.

[DawnM]

My parents always had friends around.  Now we have lots of friends.  

 

 

[Bluegoat]

My parents friends are family, for the most part, although they both have some ex-colleague friends. They do a lot of hosting within the family.

 

We don't have couple friends. I have friends though. But we don't do 'family' entertaining, except with close family on my side.

 

I think we are somewhat odd for our generation; most of my friends have couple friends, entertain etc.

 

Lack of money and space is part of it for us; but also, we don't much like each other's friends it seems.

 

The space for entertaining thing is a real issue for people I think.  And it also contributes to difficulties getting to know people - who wants to invite people you don't know well yet into your home in a casual way?

 

Free public spaces for get togethers are a big help, I think.  I've noticed around here in the last few years, people who are clearly newer Canadians using parks that way when the weather is good.  They will sometimes be a few families or other times a huge group and they set up a bbq and people bring potluck.  It didn't happen when I was a child much, but I know my dad's generation did it more.  And now it seems common for people from Africa, India, and the Middle East.

[Guest]

My inlaws are very interesting to me irt friends. They and their friends are FOREVER helping each other out in whatever way they can. They dont "hang out" per se, the way dh and i would want to, but they are always going to go see a buddy about a thing, or having a buddy stop by their place for something. And it inevitably gets drawn out with chatting.

 

It really shows, in DH. Hes always super optimistic about people lending us a hand, doing us a solid. And then he goes out of his way to help others. Its nice.

 

My dad always kept a small contingent of close friends. Not necessarily good people or god friends, though. Bar flies...like cheers but more depressing lol.

 

My step dad had TONNES of friends and never spent any time alone that he didnt want to. I loved mom and stepdads whole gibe at their house. Anyone was welcome but you had to be able to just chill out and hear the same funny stories over and over.

 

I wouldnt venture to guess how my parents' friendships affected me haha

[SKL]

I don't really have casual friends that I would invite over.  I am not that social for one thing.  And I don't fit into any group socially.  I'm not a couple, not a church social person, I'm an older mom, a professional but without a real professional network since I WAH....

 

Sometimes I think I ought to do more for my kids' sake, but I dunno.  They seem to be doing fine.  We do go to social things in the international community etc., just not at my home.

[Guest]

My parents had a few "couples" friends, but they got together infrequently. I think perhaps my mom tried to make the couples friends happen; I don't think my dad connected with those guys. It was more that my mom was besties with the women and she tried to create a couple-friends thing, I think. My dad is a deep, quiet, march-to-my-own-drummer guy. I don't think he often connected with other guys. I never knew him to have any close friends. He got along with other men, especially from church, but lack of time and money was probably a major reason for not really solidifying those friendships outside of church.

 

DH has a group of friends and I like their wives well enough. Two of the wives I like very much, and one is so similar in interests to me, we could be very good friends, I think. But I suppose, just like my dad, I don't go out of my way to solidify those friendships. I'm content when we interact, but I don't go to great lengths to get us all together. I have several circles of friends with whom I am social, and I know I could count on them if I was in need of help, but they are mostly not my deep friendships. They are my "fun friends."

 

I see myself as having more my dad's personality than my mother's (by a lot), but I am a lot more socially connected than he ever was. However, I can see that I enjoy solitude and I like it more the older I get. Being social for more than a day is quite tiring to me. I just spent two days and one night with a group of friends at my beach house and, while it was great fun and I don't regret it, I come back from such events feeling like now I need a "real" weekend! It was hard for me to go to church Sunday morning after having been "on" for Friday and Saturday. I also did not get groceries because I just wanted to curl up in my nest.

[Chris in VA]

My parents' best friends come from a group they attended in high school.

They still get together in FL when "everybody" goes down for the winter (the friends mostly live in CT, but Mom and Dad are in NH). They spend weeks together, staying at each other's rentals and houses (some own) in order to extend their stays in FL and miss most of the winter.

 

They have good neighborhood friends, too.

 

Unfortunately, many of them are starting to die off. (I'm sorry, I'm not good at phrasing that very politely.)

 

Dh and I had good friends in seminary, but he has a different idea of friendship than I do. I have MY friends, and their hubbies all know my husband, but he doesn't do anything with the guys or talk deeply or any of the friend things, so I say he doesn't really have friends. He feels otherwise. It's just a different way of looking at friendship, I guess.

 

We don't "entertain," either--my mom and dad were very into that, even moving across town to get a bigger house "for entertaining;" not a convincing argument for moving when one is 13.