Help for a Chronic Complainer

[Squawky Acres]

There is another mother I see at least weekly at our childrens' activities, and also on Facebook.  We often chat, and I like her a lot, but I have noticed that she is never, ever happy.  She posts many times a day complaining about various things -- one child has a stomach flu (one of her children *always* has a stomach flu or some terrible fever), one won't do his schoolwork, her MIL is being difficult, she is tired, hungry, sick, overworked, overwhelmed, ugh, three hours to bedtime, when will this day end sorts of posts.  Every. Single. Day.  In person, she is very interesting and engaging when I can get her to talk about something else, but she sounds about the same as on Facebook when talking about her own life and complaining about her children, health, husband, and in-laws.  

 

I have never told her this, but it is very clear to me that if her life is truly this bad, she needs to get some help and make some changes right away.  Does this sound like depression?  And how does one tactfully suggest counseling or speaking with her doctor about it?

 

[gardenmom5]

how you deal depends upon "why".

there's depression, and just say "have you talked to your dr about why your kids are always sick?  or why she is sick etc?

 

and there's those who think it will bring them sympathetic attention

 

my grandmother lived to complain . . . .

dh was *always* cheerful around her. he went out of his way to find the positive in whatever she was complaining about.  oh - you saw your oncologist and  after five years you've been declared cancer free, that's wonderful. you must be very happy.  - actually she wasn't. it was one less thing to whine about.  she whined for attention - you couldn't give her enough attention. (and  then we had lives to live . . . )  she avoided him.

Edited March 29, 2016 by gardenmom5

[MegP]

People  like this are toxic. They don't take advice, and just want to complain and complain. They usually want attention. But after you are around people like this, you leave them feeling negative and worn out. Therefore they are toxic and I choose to not be around people like this, if I can help it.

[Murphy101]

I am more curious to know why you feel a need to fix her.

 

You aren't under an obligation to hang out with her or listen to it.

 

And no, it doesn't necessarily sound like depression to me. Maybe her kids are sick a lot. Btdt and it does indeed suck. Doesn't mean there's something wrong with her or them, sometimes that's just a too long phase. And it makes all the other stuff a lot more aggravating. Maybe she just has a Debbie downer personality. Maybe to her it's not complaining it's just life.

 

Who knows.

 

But it's not up to you to decide she needs fixing.

[MaeFlowers]

You said she is different in person. Maybe, for some odd reason, she is more comfortable venting when it is not face to face? Maybe that's the only place she feels she can vent when she needs it?

 

It sounds frustrating. But, I would be honest with her. Gently and kindly tell her what you are seeing. Sometimes people can't see what they are doing and simply making them notice helps.

[Arcadia]

Some of my relatives just like to whine when they are bored. Give them something to do or talk about and they stop whining. So for them its just a symptom of boredom and complaning is more fun to them than finding something to do themselves.

 

My depressed relatives actually stop whining so if any of them suddenly don't whine, then someone have to check if they don't have situational depression because it is so out of character for them.

[Squawky Acres]

Thank you for the advice. No, I don't feel it is up to me to "fix her," but I was just wondering if this constant complaining was a sign of clinical depression, as I can't see anything unusually bad about her life except that her kids tend to get sick a lot. I know if I were that unhappy, I would be making many and drastic changes to make things right again -- so it disturbs me to see her hopelessness in the face of all of these relatively minor problems. Perhaps she does not realize that it is abnormal to be so unhappy, and does not know that she should seek professional help --- unless she really isn't that unhappy and just enjoys complaining? I don't know how to tactfully ask, "Are you truly this miserable, or do you just like to vent?"

 

It IS draining to listen to her, so I recently unfollowed her on Facebook -- but I can't avoid running into her a lot.

[redsquirrel]

I wouldn't engage.  When you are together just say stuff like 'Oh, that's too bad', 'Wow, what are you going to do about that?' or 'That sounds difficult'. Don't offer suggestions or solutions, just ask her how she is going to solve the problem.

 

And, no, that doesn't sound like depression. It sounds like she is a chronic complainer.

 

 

[Laurie4b]

Thank you for the advice. No, I don't feel it is up to me to "fix her," but I was just wondering if this constant complaining was a sign of clinical depression, as I can't see anything unusually bad about her life except that her kids tend to get sick a lot. I know if I were that unhappy, I would be making many and drastic changes to make things right again -- so it disturbs me to see her hopelessness in the face of all of these relatively minor problems. Perhaps she does not realize that it is abnormal to be so unhappy, and does not know that she should seek professional help --- unless she really isn't that unhappy and just enjoys complaining? I don't know how to tactfully ask, "Are you truly this miserable, or do you just like to vent?"

 

It IS draining to listen to her, so I recently unfollowed her on Facebook -- but I can't avoid running into her a lot.

 

Complaining is not a sign of clinical depression.

 

Being sad/blue most days is as is not being able to experience pleasure are. Those things could be experienced in utter silence. 

 

She may be a verbal processor and whether orally or in writing "getting it out there" actually helps--or at least feels like it helps in the moment. She may not realize the effect on others. My guess is that she *is* overwhelmed at some level as are many young mothers. That doesn't mean that she "enjoys" complaining, but may get some relief from it.  

 

You might try empathizing: "Sounds like there is a lot that is really hard for you right now" and see if that gets more real and less surface-y complaining. It also might bring out that there are things that are positive in her life. 

[TammyinTN]

I would give her a Gratitude Journal and tell her to write 5 things daily she's grateful for...when you start to see how much good stuff there is you pay less attention to the bad stuff.   Sounds really simple, but it works. :)

[foxbridgeacademy]

I'm a happy person. I love my husband and children and I'm very content but I do complain often. I'm not board and I don't consider myself toxic. What I am is chatty and I like to talk to those close to me about what's going on in my life.  The good things are mentioned then I move on.  I don't need to go on about them, it might make the person I'm talking to feel bad because my husband just got a promotion while her's is in danger of being laid off.  Problems though are meant to be shared and IMO talked over, maybe my friend can commiserate, maybe she's been there and has a good idea of what to do.  Maybe I just want someone to listen.

[Tess in the Burbs]

some people thrive in the chaos.  I have a friend who lives this crazy life and complains about.  But she won't make changes to lessen the load.  I sent her a very direct email last fall when she had dumped on me about how she wanted to change her life and how things run.  I was very honest and made suggestions to her about how to make those changes.  She did nothing.  She's still just as busy.  She is planning another year ahead just as busy.  

 

So at this point, her complaining irritates me.  Does she need help?  yes, but she won't change.  

 

My advice, you can make comments to suggest she needs to get help, but don't expect any change.  

[Guest]

I think it's just a habit, the way some people get to talking this way.

 

IMO it's super annoying. But that's the breaks.

[elegantlion]

Sounds like she is overwhelmed and overworked. I wouldn't read anything into that except that this may be a stressful time for her. Periods of stress may not come and go for some people, they may seem to ongoing for years. Venting on Facebook seems fairly benign if she's just posting to her wall. I wouldn't attempt to do anything except try to steer her towards other topics in person. 

[catz]

I just avoid people like that if they start stressing me out.  I find it hard to be positive in my own life when I'm regularly around negative people.  I often use pass the bean dip techniques if acquaintance types start chronically complaining.

[Squawky Acres]

Oh yes  . . .  a verbal processor.  That makes sense.  I think some of that could be going on.

 

I do like the idea of empathizing about how difficult things must be right now.  She may open up about a deeper need for some help, or she may tell me that actually things are not so difficult and that there is a lot of good in her life as well.