Give me your best "pass the bean dip" response here

[kirstenhill]

We've chosen to share with people who are working with DS7 (teachers, parent helpers in his co-op and Sunday school classes, etc) about his ADHD diagnosis, if nothing else so they can have a little compassion for his struggles.  Of course, lots of people have given their unsolicited advice and I've felt pretty confident doing the "that's interesting" or "thanks for sharing your thoughts" sort of reply when necessary.

 

So, as I was heading out the door, trying to keep up with DS4 at the end of an event, a parent helper from a class of DS7's literally shoved a DVD into my hand and said "You really need to watch this.  Watch it before we have our next meeting, and bring it back and tell me what you think.  It was life changing for us."   I couldn't do anything but take it as I ran out the door after DS4, and didn't even look at it until I got home.  It turns out that the DVD is about a particular diet change that we're not really interested in pursuing right now.  I have a "never say never" attitude about diet changes, but it is just not where we are going first.  I certainly don't want to spend an hour of my time just to humor this acquaintance.

 

Would you tell a little white lie and say you watched it just to get her off your back? Or just give it back and honestly say "hey, I'm glad it worked for your family but we're trying other approaches right now."   This lady is really a bit the pushy type about a lot of things, and I am a bit nervous she will argue with me about it since she was so pushy about giving it to me in the first place.  I can't really avoid her completely, as we will see each other at classes and group events.  Uggg...Is there a better "pass the bean dip" sort of response I can give her now that I have to give the DVD back?

 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

I think your response is perfect, but she will probably keep bugging you.

If it were me, I would put it on the computer when I was doing something relatively mindless, like mending or knitting a scarf, and then seriously think about it, and then give it back to her with the words you said.  I would want to know the details.  If I started watching it and it turned out to be a sensationalized infomercial, I would say that if pressed.  "It's kind of you, but I just don't find that kind of presentation credible on any level.  I do better with juried articles or other written reports.  Thanks again!  By the way, did you hear about our great hike last week?"  Changing the subject at the end of your comments is kind of key sometimes.
 

[8circles]

- Thanks for the recommendation but it isn't for us right now.

 

- Did you watch it?

- No.  It isn't something I'm interested in right now.  So glad it worked out for you.

[Heathermomster]

You don't have time to deal with that.  You are not interested in it now but maybe reserve the right to borrow at a later date.  Hand the DVD back, thank her, and be on your way.

 

I had a gal tell me she understand my struggles because her eldest child has type 2 diabetes.  She told me to call to her anytime.  I thanked her and moved on

Edited March 28, 2016 by Heathermomster

[SKL]

I couldn't fit it into my schedule this week.  If you want to burn me a copy I will keep it on file for later.  Thanks!

[wendyroo]

"DS's doctor wants us to try a couple different strategies before we modify his diet.  I wrote down the information about the DVD so I can find it if we get to that point.  Thanks for thinking of us."

[PeterPan]

I'd put a note with her name and a polite thank you onto it and just leave it with wherever she's going to be.  (church in-box, the class she's working, whatever)  And in the future, just don't tell anyone the diagnosis.  It doesn't really matter, because it's already obvious.  Most people haven't got a clue what it really means and if they do they're already observant enough to have modified their behavior.  And, as you're finding, it just opens you up to scrutiny.  

 

It's a newbie sort of mistake to make, thinking people will give a rip.  They won't, and they won't be more compassionate.  My ds has an autism diagnosis, and when I mention something he does people go OH YEAH, MY KID DOES THAT TOO!  I'm thinking yeah maybe, but my kid does it in spades, can't stop, and is gonna hurt your kid and drive you crazy.  And they don't get it.  So it's just not worth it to talk with people.  If they don't know about disabilities, don't bother.  And if they know disabilities, they already knew before you told them.

 

I'd just do the polite drop, send it with your dh on a day when you won't be there, whatever.  Just let it blow over.  Diet really does help some people.  It was a nice gesture.

Edited March 29, 2016 by OhElizabeth

[itsheresomewhere]

Personally, I do share a diagnosis with certain people who will be working with DS.  Most of the time, I just shake off the advice. Or those special people who don't take no for answer-  I give them some "advice". 

[kirstenhill]

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone! 

 

OhE, I wish I could just leave it somewhere with her name, but the next time I will see this particular person will be at a fairly small gathering that I can't skip, so little chance of avoiding actual conversation (as in, even if I leave it somewhere or conveniently "forget" to bring it, she would just walk up to me and ask about it, most likely).   I'll have to decide which response will deflect her in the best way!

[Lecka]

I think asking her a question is great for deflecting. She is just trying to be helpful, and it did help her child. You can just say you are happy with your current approach.

 

The main thing is don't seem defensive, and don't seem helpless.

 

If you seem confident and interested in her and respectful of her, I think that goes a long way.

 

If you actually don't like her that much, that is different, but I think if you like her otherwise, hopefully it won't be awkward for you to say you are not interested in changing his diet. You can still have an interest in how it worked with her, if you do.

 

I think a lot of people don't really want to draw a line in the sand over a treatment approach. They just may be doing a different one than you are. I always try to expect that and usually I get it. I am usually pretty interested in this kind of thing, though, and I do like to hear first-hand accounts even when I am confident it is not a direction we are going to go in.

[OneStepAtATime]

I think asking her a question is great for deflecting. She is just trying to be helpful, and it did help her child. You can just say you are happy with your current approach.

 

The main thing is don't seem defensive, and don't seem helpless.

 

If you seem confident and interested in her and respectful of her, I think that goes a long way.

 

If you actually don't like her that much, that is different, but I think if you like her otherwise, hopefully it won't be awkward for you to say you are not interested in changing his diet. You can still have an interest in how it worked with her, if you do.

 

I think a lot of people don't really want to draw a line in the sand over a treatment approach. They just may be doing a different one than you are. I always try to expect that and usually I get it. I am usually pretty interested in this kind of thing, though, and I do like to hear first-hand accounts even when I am confident it is not a direction we are going to go in.

Yes, be polite, kind, firm, pleasant, non-defensive, and not helpless.  Good suggestions up thread for a response.

[Lecka]

Otoh -- maybe she will say something offensive or critical to you if you don't do the exact same treatment approach as her.

 

But honestly, most people are not like that. Or if they are, maybe it is a phase.

 

But if that happens -- just saying "this is what we think is best right now" or something I think is fine.

 

Try for a confident body language, though, it goes a long way in seeming relaxed.

 

I have realized I can seem like I am unsure and looking for advice from my body language, so I try to remember to seem confident, and it does help a lot.

 

I would usually seem apologetic with a child with noticable behavior, but I have switched to trying to come across with a confident, "I have got this under control" manner and it is a lot better for me.

[kirstenhill]

Thanks, that is good advice!  I think it caught me so off guard to have the video shoved in my hand (and I am sure she was well meaning!), and had I not been in such a hurry I might have been able to deflect it a lot more quickly by not taking it home in the first place.  And I think honestly she would have eventually tried to give me the video at some point whether or not I had shared the diagnosis, because DS7's behavior went through such a bad patch in the last couple months. Even people who know nothing about what is really going on with him have been offering unsolicited advice on how to "fix" his problems! 

 

ETA, I am also trying hard to avoid further discussion with her because there is a bit of a back story here too with the approach in this particular video that I know my DH would not appreciate and have issues with our family trying out, so this video in particular would really not appeal to our family for various reasons.  So I especially don't want to get into all of that back story of why this specific thing would be pretty low on the list of approaches we might ever try, so I am trying to deflect on the basis of not wanting to pursue diet changes in general (because we really are waiting to see how other approaches work first). 

 

Edited March 29, 2016 by kirstenhill

[Targhee]

"It was very kind of you to share something you found to be valuable."

 

Inevitably she will asks if you watched it. And my reply would be, "I didn't. We're pursuing other things right now."

 

And then "pass the bean dip"

[PeterPan]

I keep saying this, but you need to establish what is personal information and what is public.  That backstory behind why the video makes you uncomfortable does NOT have to be public information.  It's just not.  It's private, personal.  You need some healthy emotional boundaries here.  

 

Sometimes when I feel really emotional about things and am not ready to be tough, it means I need a bit of time/distance, that it's too raw.  I would give yourself that.  Skip the event.  You had a headache.  You sent your emissary.  Or take your husband along.  Or, dang, I forgot the video!  You know, totally punt.  Or become the group photographer for the event, so rats no time to talk. 

 

You don't have to tell anyone personal/private information.  Medical diagnoses, family history, these are all private.  

 

Adding: I like what the other people are saying.  I'm just saying I would go farther.  Nothing says you have to give it back at the party.  You could lose the video.  Rats, the video got returned to the library. It's in your dh's car, not the car you drove.  Oh I sent it with my dh husband to give to your dh with a really offensive food thank you, haha.  Don't talk medical where you don't want to.  It's private.

Edited March 29, 2016 by OhElizabeth

[kirstenhill]

I keep saying this, but you need to establish what is personal information and what is public. That backstory behind why the video makes you uncomfortable does NOT have to be public information. It's just not. It's private, personal. You need some healthy emotional boundaries here.

 

Sometimes when I feel really emotional about things and am not ready to be tough, it means I need a bit of time/distance, that it's too raw. I would give yourself that. Skip the event. You had a headache. You sent your emissary. Or take your husband along. Or, dang, I forgot the video! You know, totally punt. Or become the group photographer for the event, so rats no time to talk.

 

You don't have to tell anyone personal/private information. Medical diagnoses, family history, these are all private.

 

Adding: I like what the other people are saying. I'm just saying I would go farther. Nothing says you have to give it back at the party. You could lose the video. Rats, the video got returned to the library. It's in your dh's car, not the car you drove. Oh I sent it with my dh husband to give to your dh with a really offensive food thank you, haha. Don't talk medical where you don't want to. It's private.

 

I wasn't saying I was going to give any personal information. ... just explaining further here (vaguely), why I am trying to avoid a discussion and looking for a good response.

 

I really won't be able to avoid this person for long, and I personally would find it rude not to return the video or make DH do it. I just needed a good response to make it clear I don't want to talk about it.

 

My guess is that you and I have different views as to when it is helpful to share information with others about special needs that kids have. Personally when I am teaching or assisting in a class, I find it really helpful to know if a kid has issues, or if they are just ornery. I felt that way before I had a kid with "issues," and still feel that way now. I want to extend the same courtesy to others to let them know that yes, my kid is difficult, but we are seeking appropriate treatment. You or others may disagree with this view, but that is how I feel about it. Like I said, even people who don't know anything about the specific situation but have just observed DS have just come up to us and offered "advice" or asked if we are getting help for him. I like being able to say, yes, he has this diagnosis and we are receiving professional help.

[Tammyla]

"We're sticking with our doctors advice and plan."

[Tammyla]

I've never been gifted with changing the subject, but I've found it helpful to smile and move on with difficult people.  Many conversations bullies think I have a weak bladder and drink too much water. :closedeyes:   When my kids were little, they provided a good diversion with the needs for mommy checks; now I'll dig into my purse for some missing must have or my water bottle.

[Lecka]

I don't think it is a horrible thing for people to say "my child does that too." I think they are just trying to be nice.

 

It doesn't always literally mean they think their child does the same things.

 

I think you can go more by what people do.

 

A woman who point-blank asked me if I was sure my son was correctly diagnosed, went on to be one of the people who made an effort with him! That is not what I expected, but now I think that what people say, that maybe all the special needs parents know are irritating, maybe they don't know it is irritating, and they will go on to be kind and thoughtful.

 

/rose colored glasses

[KSinNS]

I'd just say, thanks for the video, and I'm glad this approach worked so well for your son, I might ask how the diet was working or where she found this approach so she wouldn't have a chance to ask if I'd watched the whole video. I usually nod and smile when I get dietary advice, and say that's interesting and I'm so glad you found that helpful.

 

In general we are very open about our kids' labels. When they were young, we got lots of denial type comments. I suspect it's more wishful thinking rather than dismissing our concerns. As everyone knows us better, we get less of it.