Trauma and HS plans...

[lauraw4321]

I just got back yesterday from Europe.  I was at the Brussels airport at the time of the bombing.  My friend and I were not hurt, but helped injured people.  We were about 100 feet from the blast; the second was closer.  The short version is that I'm traumatized.

 

I had been planning on sending my oldest DD to school next year.  Part of me wants to send her back now.  My younger two go to MMO / preschool.  I don't think I can do school.  I need to go to therapy.  I need to be able to just sit at home and have no major responsibilities.  I'm usually a very type A person and have tons going on.  I can't do that right now.

 

I will be home with all of them all summer.  They are not traumatized.  We eventually told them a few things, but they are not in fear.

 

Would I be selfish to send her to school?  She likes the school fairly well, went there before, knows the kids, etc.  I just don't know how I could handle having her with me all day every day.  I keep bursting into tears, or I hear a loud noise and I get terrified.

 

WWYD?

[JudoMom]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:   I'm so sorry.  I'm glad you're safe; I cannot imagine the emotions.

I would say if you want to send your daughter now because you need time alone, that is okay.  But if you're sending her because you're worried about school, keep her home and don't do school.  It will not hurt her in the long run.

 

[Valley Girl]

What a horrifying experience! So glad you are safe. Your DD is 7? How many weeks of school do you have left? If you don't feel you can handle the remaining weeks, sending her to school is certainly one option. You need to do what is necessary to help yourself deal with what you experienced. I wonder, though, if you only have a few weeks left, can you pare things down to the bare minimum and/or see if family or friends might step in and help tutor her? I'm just thinking formal school is a big change in routine for everybody and that might be hard right now. But bottom line, you need to take care of you. You are NOT being selfish if you send her to school. Best wishes to you and your family as you work your way through the horror of what happened.

[catz]

With a 7 year old, I would just drop school for the rest of the year.  Give yourself time to regroup.  Go for walks.  Cuddle.  Read some books.  I wouldn't drop a child in school this late in the year.  I'd consider getting a mother's helper or using relatives if I needed time for myself and therapy.  

 

My child went to school for K and 1st.  It's a lot of work to keep up and adjusting to the new environment will be effort for you.  Probably considerably more effort than just kicking back the rest of the year and taking a break.

 

I'm so incredibly sorry.  :grouphug:

Edited March 24, 2016 by WoolySocks

[Junie]

:grouphug: Does your daughter want to go to school?  If she does, I would probably send her.  If she doesn't, sending her to school might

actually be emotionally more draining for you.

[HS Mom in NC]

I think you should see someone who specializes in trauma and run it past them.  They would have more insight into all the related issues and how each thing will affect you in the short term and long term.

[Amira]

:grouphug:

[Entropymama]

Nothing more to add that hasn't been said, just wanted to  :grouphug:

[TranquilMind]

I just got back yesterday from Europe.  I was at the Brussels airport at the time of the bombing.  My friend and I were not hurt, but helped injured people.  We were about 100 feet from the blast; the second was closer.  The short version is that I'm traumatized.

 

I had been planning on sending my oldest DD to school next year.  Part of me wants to send her back now.  My younger two go to MMO / preschool.  I don't think I can do school.  I need to go to therapy.  I need to be able to just sit at home and have no major responsibilities.  I'm usually a very type A person and have tons going on.  I can't do that right now.

 

I will be home with all of them all summer.  They are not traumatized.  We eventually told them a few things, but they are not in fear.

 

Would I be selfish to send her to school?  She likes the school fairly well, went there before, knows the kids, etc.  I just don't know how I could handle having her with me all day every day.  I keep bursting into tears, or I hear a loud noise and I get terrified.

 

WWYD?

I'm sorry and I am so glad you are safe (and sad for those who are not).  This year is almost over. 

 

Maybe you can just wait awhile before making this decision?   You don't have to make it today. 

[happi duck]

Many (hugs)

[bolt.]

Talk it through with your therapist, but, as for my opinion: you need to take care of your trauma. Recovery is your top priority, and your daughter will be fine at school.

 

That's not "selfish" it's acknowledging that in families all the people matter. You matter *and* your daughter matters.

 

If sending her to school helps you and doesn't have any potential to harm her (it doesn't) there's every reason to think of it as an excellent solution to a problem no one asked for. (Big sympathetic hug.)

[Arcadia]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I would say if you want to send your daughter now because you need time alone, that is okay. But if you're sending her because you're worried about school, keep her home and don't do school. It will not hurt her in the long run.

 

:iagree:

[Rachel]

No advice but many hugs.

[FairProspects]

Send her to school. I actually think it might be best for her as well because she will have time to adapt to school and know what the routine is for fall. I would opt her out of testing if they still have that to go for the year, but otherwise I'm sure she will be fine. I had a friend who enrolled her son in May and it was fabulous. He experienced all the fun end of the year activities and field trips and had no issues whatsoever.

 

Take care of yourself and heal. :grouphug:

[lauraw4321]

I'm not making the decision now - I was looking for opinions and thoughts.

 

I have an appointment with a therapist next week and I will ask his opinion.  I have not asked her what she thinks yet.  I don't want to talk to her about it until I'm more sure of my decision.

 

I am responsible for reporting school days to my cover school.  We have about 20 left.  I just feel badly that she'll be spending tons of time watching TV, playing Kindle while I'll be incapable of doing anything.

[Stacia]

If you feel you need the alone time to cry, regroup, & heal, I would certainly put your dd in school. 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[vonfirmath]

Send her to school. I actually think it might be best for her as well because she will have time to adapt to school and know what the routine is for fall. I would opt her out of testing if they still have that to go for the year, but otherwise I'm sure she will be fine. I had a friend who enrolled her son in May and it was fabulous. He experienced all the fun end of the year activities and field trips and had no issues whatsoever.

 

Take care of yourself and heal. :grouphug:

 

Agreed. Here, they are JUST starting the last 9-wk period of school. (so there is still ~1/3 of the school year to go). A new student recently entered the classroom in my son's class (3rd grade) and there are no statewide standardized tests in the 2nd grade.  At least in my son's school, the only way to opt out is to keep the child out of class the days the test are being administered. the principals tell you this openly. They have no way to supervise children at school that are not participating in the test.

 

Edited March 24, 2016 by vonfirmath

[mamiof5]

What a traumatic experience!! God bless you for helping others, and SO GLAD you were not hurt. As far as sending her to public school now, as others said, the adjustment could be chaotic itself. And in our area it's towards the end of the school year...I wouldn't send her right now just for that reason, it might be harder for you and her than what you think. I heard in a homily not long ago, "don't make drastic changes/decisions in time of distress"...and that thought kind of stuck to me. Yes, decompress, more cuddling, reading, just enjoying your family. This is very recent, maybe you will feel a little better in a while. And if you are shaky, easily upset, teary eyed...nothing wrong with the kids knowing that mom is shaken for what happened, and we all need to pray (or light a candle, meditate, send good thoughts)... whatever everyone does, but we all need to unite and PRAY (for me...insert what works for you) for our world. Not trying to tone down by ANY means what you went through and how traumatizing it must be, but I just don't see how it will help you that much to put her in school right now, if anything, I am looking at it from different perspectives, in my case that solution would just make it worse. I am so sorry you were so close to such tragedy!

[Rosie_0801]

I think you're likely to recover quicker if she stays home. Learn a bit of the biology of stress reactions (a therapist will help you with that if it's stuff you don't know) and talk to her about it. Kids can be very understanding of "Oh, that's just a stress reaction" when stress reactions happen. It's real and it's ok. Bad ok, but still ok.

 

You need to have no major responsibilities, but it will hinder if you don't have responsibilities to work towards. Be gentle with yourselves. Hug trees, read stories and watch Jane Austen movies.

 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[PinkTulip]

I'm on my phone, so can't access emojis, but want to first give you a huge hug.

 

I think you should do what you think is best for you at this time. If that means sending your daughter to school while you sit on the couch and process what you have been through, then do it. She is young and it sounds like she knows the kids and would be fine. If you think your healing would be best with lots of cuddle time and movies holding your daughter close, then do it. Your daughter will be fine either way, and she will be better off if you take care of yourself right now.

[linders]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  I can't imagine.

 

Send her to school if it is what you need. Or keep her home and do nothing but read and color and play dolls with her the rest of the school year. At her age, she won't be missing anything.

 

Do you have a friend or relative who could take her to the park for a couple hours a day so you can cry and see a therapist? 

[Guest2]

Hugs! If you decide to keep her home the last 20 days, remember that along with read alouds ( which you would probaby need to do even if she went to school):Magic School Bus, CyberChase,,documentaries and nature walks are great. Maybe it is time for some Life of Fred? I am glad you are getting some therapy, and second the getting more help to get some alone time to process everything.

[Mom2Five]

I'm not making the decision now - I was looking for opinions and thoughts.

 

I have an appointment with a therapist next week and I will ask his opinion.  I have not asked her what she thinks yet.  I don't want to talk to her about it until I'm more sure of my decision.

 

I am responsible for reporting school days to my cover school.  We have about 20 left.  I just feel badly that she'll be spending tons of time watching TV, playing Kindle while I'll be incapable of doing anything.

There is nothing wrong with sending her to school, if that is what you feel you need to do to take care of yourself.

 

I also agree with just calling it quits for the remainder of the year. We have had multiple births and surgeries, moves etc. and I took way more time off than I care to admit in the early years. Honestly all that stuff is so repetitive you really only need a year for grades K-3 IMO.

We have a cover school too, but we are able to count whatever we want for days. You could get some educational movies, audio books, you tube videos and sit back and let her read and do some math facts and call it a day.

[trulycrabby]

I am sorry. :grouphug: Your dd could do spectrum workbooks and watch magic schoolbus for 20 days and you can call it a school year. See the therapist. Get outdoors with your kids and take talks, go to park, and just exist.

 

Thank you for helping others in the midst of a dangerous and terrifying situation. :grouphug:

Edited March 25, 2016 by trulycrabby

[SumSum]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Mimm]

Kudos to you for realizing you need help to process and heal. I think you need to take care of you and sending your daughter to school isn't at all selfish. She'll be fine there for the last bit of this school year.

 

:grouphug:

[NorthwestMom]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Nancy in NH]

Sending lots of hugs your way...

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Nancy

[JFSinIL]

Glad you are physically in one piece. I agree with others who suggest seeking a therapist. Very possible to have a degree of PTSD from such a horrific event. Your little ones will be fine just watching Magic School bus and doing minimal school. Don't know if sending the oldest into school this late in the year would be more stress than it is worth, but you won't know unless you try it. Keep us posted, we are here when you need to vent, etc.

[Hikin' Mama]

I have no advice, but I wanted to say that I'm glad there are people like you in the world. Thank you for caring for strangers. (((Hugs)))

[LisaKinVA]

I'm so sorry!  

[Aiden]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Thank you for helping others--it can be hard to hold it together in the moment and help rather than following the biological imperative to seek safety for yourself first, but you will always be glad that you were able to do that.

 

I think that none of us know you well enough to advise you about whether or not to send your daughter to school right now. From what you've described, it sounds like she'll be fine either way. It comes down to what you need. You seem to believe that you need time alone to work through what has happened. I believe that's what I would need in a similar situation ... but then I remember another event in my life, nowhere near as traumatic as what you've gone through, but still traumatic, and I *did* need time alone to process. But I also desperately needed to be responsible for my daughter (then an infant, and my husband wasn't able to be with us at that time). Her need of me is what kept me from shutting down and disengaging from the world completely. But I did still need a lot of time alone, and I was able to have that because I was staying with my mother, who cared for my daughter when I couldn't. School may serve a similar purpose for you--caring for your daughter when you can't, giving you time to work toward your own psychological healing. Because your kids will be home in the evenings, you won't be able to completely retreat from the world and shut down. It may give you the best possible combination right now. And you know they'll be home with you all summer, so your goal is to work toward being able to manage that.

 

On the other hand, if your personality is such that long periods of time alone will not help you, but will drive you deeper into depression or anxiety, then you should keep her home.

 

You, your spouse, and your therapist are the ones in the best position to decide what will help you most.

 

Either way, it is not selfish to seek what you need to get through this crisis. Even if it turns out that you send your daughter to school and it wasn't ideal for her, it's far more important for her (and your other kids) to have a healthy mother than to avoid whatever negatives come from sending her to school near the end of the school year.

[G5052]

Glad you are physically in one piece. I agree with others who suggest seeking a therapist. Very possible to have a degree of PTSD from such a horrific event. Your little ones will be fine just watching Magic School bus and doing minimal school. Don't know if sending the oldest into school this late in the year would be more stress than it is worth, but you won't know unless you try it. Keep us posted, we are here when you need to vent, etc.

 

DH and I have both been treated for PTSD. There's no shame in getting help from someone who knows how to help you through this. IMHO sooner is better before you find yourself in unhealthy ways of thinking.

[sparkygirl]

Please call 1-800-985-5990 this is the Disaster Distress Helpline they are there for exactly this type of situation. What you are experiencing are normal reactions to an abnormal situation. You can call or text them and relieve support anytime of day or night. They are specifically trained in acute stress reactions after traumatic events.

 

http://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/disaster-distress-helpline

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[sassenach]

I would also consider bringing help in, if you can manage it. Maybe someone who can drive kids, and do some light household work. Anything that will release the pressure a little.

 

You can withdraw from your cover school and call the year done. Don't feel guilty about the tv watching. It won't harm her.

 

I'm very sorry.

[JFSinIL]

DH and I have both been treated for PTSD. There's no shame in getting help from someone who knows how to help you through this. IMHO sooner is better before you find yourself in unhealthy ways of thinking.

Yes. One of my sons was diagnosed and treated for PTSD after our car crash - he wasn't in it, but just seeing the wreck (and the old folks laid up in hospital) caused bad nightmares (etc) - you were actually right there when the bombs went off and (thank-you!) helped with injured folks. Your injuries may not be physical, but they are no less real.

Edited March 25, 2016 by JFSinIL

[lauraw4321]

I appreciate all of the responses.

 

My husband took charge and removed several items from my list of responsibilities, temporarily.  (Girl Scout Leader, Tae Kwon Do (stressful driving there / bad time of day / no toddler entertainment), Church worship leader for preschool, small group at church).

 

That still leaves keeping 3 kids alive and fed for most days, driving to and from preschool, driving to and from piano lessons, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, paying bills, paying my grandmother's bills, checking on grandmother / taking her out, school for oldest.  

 

I'm going to try and shift a few more of those responsibilities.  

 

I have an appointment on Wednesday with a therapist.  I hope that he's good.

[ktgrok]

Do you have family you could just pick up and go visit? the kind of family that would be more help than hinderance. I know in that situation I could call my mom and have her come stay with me, or I could go stay with her, and she'd watch the kid while I walked on the beach or whatever, and would sit up with me late into the night talking or crying if need be. Heck, maybe you should go stay with my mom, lol.

 

But I think that's what I would do. Or you could send your daughter to visit relatives for a week or two, on her own. 

[lauraw4321]

Ha - yes I'll go stay with your mom. My MIL fits that description but it's really complicated. I'm considering sending the kids to her for a bit but I just got back and was gone longer than intended, so I don't want to leave them again so quickly. A lot is going to fall onto DH's shoulders, but they're strong. :)

[Eagle]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[sassenach]

I appreciate all of the responses.

 

My husband took charge and removed several items from my list of responsibilities, temporarily.  (Girl Scout Leader, Tae Kwon Do (stressful driving there / bad time of day / no toddler entertainment), Church worship leader for preschool, small group at church).

 

That still leaves keeping 3 kids alive and fed for most days, driving to and from preschool, driving to and from piano lessons, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, paying bills, paying my grandmother's bills, checking on grandmother / taking her out, school for oldest.  

 

I'm going to try and shift a few more of those responsibilities.  

 

I have an appointment on Wednesday with a therapist.  I hope that he's good.

He sounds like a good man. Can you lean on your church family to pick up some of the remaining tasks? I bet they would be happy to drive kids and bring you guys meals. Don't be afraid to ask.

[lauraw4321]

I don't feel that there's anyone we can ask for meals from.  A few people have brought meals which have been really helpful.  It's weird because it's not like I had a baby or got hurt or whatever.  It's hard to say - hey my brain is really really screwed up right now, could you bring me food?  KWIM?

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[maize]

Oh my goodness.

 

I don't have any advice, just virtual hugs.

 

Do whatever you need to to take care of yourself and family.

[Eagle]

I don't feel that there's anyone we can ask for meals from. A few people have brought meals which have been really helpful. It's weird because it's not like I had a baby or got hurt or whatever. It's hard to say - hey my brain is really really screwed up right now, could you bring me food? KWIM?

You might be surprised. I think most people are very understanding that what you experienced was a severe trauma. If you were my casual acquaintance or neighbour I would make you a few meals in a heartbeat.

[Aiden]

I don't feel that there's anyone we can ask for meals from.  A few people have brought meals which have been really helpful.  It's weird because it's not like I had a baby or got hurt or whatever.  It's hard to say - hey my brain is really really screwed up right now, could you bring me food?  KWIM?

 

If I lived near you, I'd bring you meals. If I knew you in real life--enough to know your contact information and your preferences--I'd be thinking about some other way to help you, possibly by hiring a cleaning service or mother's helper who was local to you.

 

What you went through is a real, big deal. Don't be afraid to ask for whatever form of help you need. A lack of physical injuries does not mean that you don't need time and space to heal. If you have a good church family, they will understand that.

[Pippen]

If I lived near you, I'd bring you meals. If I knew you in real life--enough to know your contact information and your preferences--I'd be thinking about some other way to help you, possibly by hiring a cleaning service or mother's helper who was local to you.

 

What you went through is a real, big deal. Don't be afraid to ask for whatever form of help you need. A lack of physical injuries does not mean that you don't need time and space to heal. If you have a good church family, they will understand that.

 

Every single one of us reading this thread recognizes that you don't wake up the next day after a traumatic event and just get on with life. The people in your real life know that as well.Those who brought you meals are reaching out to you.They want to help, and in fact some of them probably said something along the lines of "Let me know what I can do to help."  Please let them.

 

There have been two periods in my life when friends and acquaintances from various places (church, neighborhood, work, etc) circled around us and helped us through events that impacted our family in huge ways. The help ranged from meals, rides for the kids, errands, funds, cleaning, laundry, yard care, shoveling snow, etc. Neither situation involved having a baby, but people were so very glad to help out when they learned of our needs--including taking on some tasks to free my husband up from having to do it. 

 

This is what community does for each other. We take care of the people in our lives.

[BooksandBoys]

If you feel you need to put her in school, absolutely do so. If you feel it's better for her to be home watching documentaries, do that. I kept my kids at home, and that was right for us, but they were traumatized by our event as well, so I didn't wsnt to change their lives any more than I had to. If it affected only me, I might have made a different decision.

 

I'm in treatment for PTSD right now. Initially, I did a year of traditional therapy with elements of cognitive-behavioral and mindfulness treatment. Of course, I also edited nearly a year trying to convince myself that I was ok. Oh boy was not ok. Traditional talk therapy helped some, but I just switched over to EMDR three months ago and am having an amazing response. At the risk of sounding like a salesperson, it's the best therapy in the entire world and now that I have experienced it, I would do anything to have access. I would drive for hours, I would pay lots and lots of money. It's that amazing. It's short term (I'm almost done after only 8 sessions, 2 of which were intake, so no therapy in those 2), and it has an awesome success profile for PTSD (it is specifically for PTSD). I also have two friends who were treated with EMDR successfully, and a therapist friend who has seen it work in many if her clients (she doesn't do EMDR). If you can find a therapist who does it, I highly recommend it.

 

Hugs to you. Trauma is devastating. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.

[El...]

If I lived near you, it would feel like a privilege for me to help you right now.  Ask, ok?  :grouphug:

[vonfirmath]

I don't feel that there's anyone we can ask for meals from.  A few people have brought meals which have been really helpful.  It's weird because it's not like I had a baby or got hurt or whatever.  It's hard to say - hey my brain is really really screwed up right now, could you bring me food?  KWIM?

 

It's weird. But they won't know if someone doesn't tell them. (Even if they knew what you went through, having never been through a similar thing themselves, they may not realize what it MEANS).  Give them a chance to help lighten the load in any way you can figure out together.