How do I deal with a bully?

[Excelsior! Academy]

Be forewarned, I plan to delete for privacy reasons.

 

We have neighbors with boys about the same age as our own.  They are all public schooled, so the hours they can play are limited.  One of the boys is a bully and the others go along with it.  They generally pick on my youngest son.  He can be a bit of a handful and has acted up in the past, but thankfully has gained maturity and has learned more socially acceptable behavior.  

 

 

Unfortunately a couple of years ago when the boys were out playing together and the bully was picking on my ds, my ds chose to rectify the situation by peeing on the bully's outdoor toys.  Yep, you read that right.  Of course, when I learned about it I immediately made him do the walk of shame across the street and apologize.  Well, the bully has never let him forget.  Today when ds went to go play with the neighborhood kids their were comments made like, "Oh! He's out here!" and such.  Well ds just went to ride his bike and ignored them.  After he put his bike away and went back out the boys ganged up on him and used super soaker water guns to wet his shorts to make it look like he peed and taunted him about the situation years ago.  While he usually lets it roll off of him this time he had had enough and was distraught.  He came in angry with tears in his eyes.  My older boy was not home.  He usually sticks up for his brother and surprisingly the bully doesn't usually pick on him.  

 

We live on a double lot and have told the neighborhood boys they can play in our front yard.  Well, after today's incident I marched my ds over and told one of the boys in question (bully had left) not to treat ds that way and if they wish to continue to play in our yard they would include our dc.  I have called dh to ask him to talk to the respective dads, though that won't likely happen until tomorrow or even later in the week as dh is currently out of town.  

 

What is the best way to go about this?  We like the parents and they are generally good neighbors.  

Edited March 19, 2016 by Excelsior! Academy

[Jean in Newcastle]

You need to give all the boys the same message.  You might have to supervise outside time for a while until you establish the new ground rules. 

[Mergath]

:grouphug:  Kids can be so awful. I peed my pants once in first grade because I was scared to ask the teacher to go to the bathroom and kids were still bullying me over it in high school. :( 

 

I agree that you should probably supervise for a while. Talk to them and tell them it isn't acceptable, but don't expect any follow-through without adult supervision.

[Harriet Vane]

Tell the boys in question and their parents to never, ever bring up the peeing incident again.

 

And tell both the boys and their parents about the bullying incidents. Make it clear that this will not be tolerated. When they attempt to rationalize or minimize, just repeat one sentence: "This bullying behavior must stop." Do not over-explain or debate the issue. Just repeat these words. "Bullying" is a loaded word, so it's a good one to repeat so they understand how the behavior is viewed. 

 

Then, supervise as if they are younger children. Be there. If they are in the yard, be out there reading a book or doing some gardening. The instant any nonsense occurs, no warnings and no sweet talk. Just a simple, "You're having a hard time being kind, so it's time for you to go home." Tell the parents why you sent the kid home.

 

Do none of this angrily or emotionally. Be soooooo calm and so persistent. If you can manage it, do it with a smile on your face even as your tone of voice is firm and your eye contact is steady.

[Excelsior! Academy]

Thank you Mergath and Jean!  Supervising does seem like the obvious solution.  As one would expect, it doesn't happen when an adult is present.

 

Excellent advice, Harriet!  I will learn and use that phrase.

 

It has been hard emotionally distancing myself and thinking this through logically.

[NorthwestMom]

I agree with Harriet! I am curious to know how old these boys are, and your DS. That might affect the outcome. Younger kids are easier to correct.

[Excelsior! Academy]

They are all 9.  

[NorthwestMom]

I think that's good - they are still young enough to be cowed when confronted with their behavior.

 

I would do exactly what Harriet said - and I would tell their parents what has happened.

 

Good luck!

 

:grouphug:

[Entropymama]

I agree that using the word 'bullying' is powerful, especially if they're in public school as it's probably been drummed into them that bullying is wrong. I recently had a talk with my boys that went something like, "When you are doing something and it is clear that another person doesn't like it, but you keep doing it, that is bullying." It really caught there attention and overcame their protests of "I'm just having fun!". 

[gardenmom5]

I have a rule about water gun fights.  if you shoot at someone who is unarmed - that person can use the hose.  very effective if you have a pressure adjustable nozzle.  and only cowards run in the house to avoid the hose.  (they wanted to have a water fight . . . )

 

I would ban the bully asap. at least for a period of time.  no second chances -that WAS his second chance. 

 

IF (BIG IF) the other boys are willing to apologize for being turds (and following a bully), I would allow them to play.  if they refuse - they too would be banned for a time.

 

eta: I don't understand why you haven't spoken with them or their mothers.  this is something that needs to be address sooner than later.

 

Edited March 20, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Excelsior! Academy]

I have a rule about water gun fights.  if you shoot at someone who is unarmed - that person can use the hose.  very effective if you have a pressure adjustable nozzle.  and only cowards run in the house to avoid the hose.  (they wanted to have a water fight . . . )

 

I would ban the bully asap. at least for a period of time.  no second chances -that WAS his second chance. 

 

IF (BIG IF) the other boys are willing to apologize for being turds (and following a bully), I would allow them to play.  if they refuse - they too would be banned for a time.

 

eta: I don't understand why you haven't spoken with them or their mothers.  this is something that needs to be address sooner than later.

 

I mentioned upthread that dh plans to discuss this with their dads. :)  We see the dads much more than the moms, so it makes since for dh to speak with them.  I agree with you the parents need notified and am hoping they are not aware that this behavior has been occurring. 

[Mrs. Tharp]

Very likely the parents have no idea. The thing to hope for now is that they are grateful you are bringing this to their correction, instead of resentful/defensive. 

[EmilyGF]

For a while, I had ds come in or play in the yard whenever the neighbor kids were playing outside because it always degenerated.

 

They aren't homeschooled, and have tons of homework now, so they generally are never outside anymore. But for one summer it was really bad.  Hope you can find a good way to handle a lousy situation!

[laundrycrisis]

I wouldn't involve the parents yet. My experience is they don't want to deal with it and will just be annoyed with the complaining parent. I would have my kids avoid the others and stick close to home, and keep an ear out. When the other kids show up, I would be proactively present. If they are bothering my kids at our house/yard, I would tell them it isn't acceptable. I wouldn't address it with their parents unless it happens again after I've told them to stop.

[kroe1]

My first thought is that your son also did some bullying by peeing on the other boy's toys. That act may have long term ramifications no matter how much supervising you do.

 

That is no excuse, however, for the water gun incident. It is a shame your son did not run and get another water gun or garden hose to return fire. I know my brothers would have been proud to have such a lethal peeing weapon. I think they would have turned any bullying threats into taunts of their own, threatening to down a big glass of water and then aiming at anything within 6 ft.

 

I like your plan to have the dads involved. Many men seem to work out their own best solutions in these instances.

[MegP]

I agree about supervising...but I also think it would be a wise idea to empower your own kids to know how to deal with this kind of thing. There must a book or something that teaches kids what to do/say to a bully.

[Xahm]

Is your son the kind who can pull off "Really? You're still teasing me about something from TWO years ago? I hope you get some new stories soon!" and then walk away (apparently) calmly while shaking his head? You wouldn't want him to take it so far as to bully the bully, but if he can take a "that's a silly thing to bring up, we were practically babies then" approach, it would probably diffuse the other boy's fun when teasing him. If it works, he could learn to use that approach against a lot of verbal harassment to great affect. A physical bully, or one who increases aggression, is a different matter.