NM

[lauraw4321]

NM.

Edited March 10, 2016 by lauraw4321

[zoobie]

She could have one or multiple diagnose-able issues. Reading up on the 10 main ones could help. Some are pretty easy to rule out. ETA: Borderline isn't super well summarized below. I'd look into it.

 

As far as what I would do, BOUNDARIES. I would not interact regularly. I would set and maintain boundaries which will cause, to put it mildly, all hell to break loose while she tests them. If you are getting nothing out of the relationship except emotional battering, there is zero reason to continue the relationship.

 

Copying from a googled website (linked below): 

 

The 10 personality disorders listed in DSM-IV-TR include:

• Paranoid personality disorder . The individual affected with this disorder believes in general that people will exploit, harm, or deceive him or her, even if there is no evidence to support this belief.
• Schizoid personality disorder . The individual with this disorder seems to lack desire for intimacy or belonging in a social group, and often chooses being alone to being with others. This individual also tends not to show a full range of emotions.
• Schizotypal personality disorder . With this disorder, the affected person is uncomfortable with (and may be unable to sustain) close relationships, and also has odd behaviors and thoughts that would typically be viewed by others as eccentric, erratic, and bizarre.
• Antisocial personality disorder . Individuals with this disorder have no regard for the rights of others. Other, recent names associated with this personality type are psychopath and sociopath. Unable to base their actions on anything except their own immediate desires, persons with this disorder demonstrate a pattern of impulsive, irresponsible, thoughtless, and sometimes criminal behavior. They are often intelligent, articulate individuals with an ability to charm and manipulate others; at their most dangerous, they can become violent criminals who are particularly dangerous to society because of their ability to gain the trust of others combined with their lack of conscience or remorse.
• Borderline personality disorder . People with this disorder are unstable in their relationships, decisions, moods, and self-perceptions. These individuals are often impulsive and insecure.
• Histrionic personality disorder . The behavior of individuals of this personality type is characterized by persistent attention-seeking, exaggerated emotional displays (such as tantrums), and overreaction to trivial problems and events.
• Narcissistic personality disorder . This disorder consists primarily of an inflated sense of self-importance coupled with a lack of empathy for others. Individuals with this disorder display an exaggerated sense of their own importance and abilities and tend to fantasize about them. Such persons also have a sense of entitlement, expecting (and taking for granted) special treatment and concessions from others. Paradoxically, individuals with narcissistic personality disorder are generally very insecure and suffer from low self-esteem.
• Avoidant personality disorder . This disorder has characteristics that resemble those of social phobia , including hypersensitivity to possible rejection and the resulting social withdrawal in spite of a strong need for love and acceptance. Individuals with this disorder are inhibited and feel inadequate in social situations.
• Dependent personality disorder . Persons with dependent personality disorder are extremely passive and tend to subordinate their own needs to those of others. Due to their lack of self-confidence, they avoid asserting themselves and allow others to take responsibility for their lives.
• Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder . This disorder is characterized by a preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and control.

Read more: http://www.minddisorders.com/Ob-Ps/Personality-disorders.html#ixzz42Rul6cQi

 

Edited March 9, 2016 by zoobie

[lauraw4321]

That is very helpful, Zoobie.  Thank you.

[bolt.]

She sounds (maybe) slightly on the autism scale, with "good" coping -- because it allows her to function in the world -- that is also "bad" coping because it fully prioritizes her own desires-as-needs, and prevents her from having fair or reciprocal relationships with others. However, it seems like fair, fulfilling, reciprocal relationships might not have been possible under any circumstances?

 

What would I do? I'd treat her as disabled, and expect that whatever I've seen is 'her best' and is therefore likely to continue. I'd cease all expectations of warmth or 'fair treatment' and only enter situations where I felt I could adequately 'look out for number one' and 'own my no'.

 

That would mean plenty of avoiding, maybe some bean dip, and the development of a concrete vocabulary like, "I don't want to do that, so I'm not going to." // "It's ok for you to be upset with me." // "If we don't want to eat together, we can eat apart." // "I don't approve of your decision."

 

That vocabulary will help you feel empowered and independent, which will help with your own emotions. It might (?) also help her analytically to understand what will and won't work in her relationship with you.

 

Get in touch with some of those ladies who wanted to mother you a little. They might still want to have a 'tea and sympathy' relationship. It could be a help to you to have them in your life.

 

I'd tell myself that 'for some unknown reason' her psychological processing is slightly broken. (It might have a name, it might not. It might have a cause, it might not.) Whatever it is, it's probably not her fault, and I would try to honestly think she 'can't do any better.' There are things she is incapable of, and, apparently following 'the golden rule' is one of them.

 

It's hard to swallow, but it might cure your churning insides... Because her behaviour is unlikely to be cured.

Edited March 10, 2016 by bolt.

[lauraw4321]

Bolt - I've read that and cried and read it again. And cried. Because you have basically nailed it. And you've given me the vocabulary I was missing to talk to myself.

 

Some of those women are still in my life. Thank God. I get a let of "advice" about how to "get through to her" or how to have a better relationship. And I know deep down that it's not possible. But so many people seem to think it is that I doubt myself.

 

I'm going to print out what you wrote and tape it to my mirror.

 

The hard thing is to know what lines to draw with respect to my children. I have to do a lot of thinking about that.

 

Thank you. You have truly helped an internet stranger.

[sbgrace]

I was going to mention spectrum stuff as a possible underlying issue, but Bolt said it way better than I could have.

If that seems likely, I am pretty sure I've seen either books or online resources for those with autism spectrum parents. There are lots of books for spouses of those with autism, if that might help.

 

Mostly :grouphug:

Edited March 10, 2016 by sbgrace