S/O: Memorial Service

[DawnM]

How do you handle it if the demands of your living ones for after they die is too much?

 

 

My mother lives on the west coast now but is from the east coast.  They bought burial plots in the middle of the country.  She wants a memorial for her W.C friends, then another for her E.C. family and then a graveside service.  And she expects ME to orchestrate all of it and attend all of them.

 

I have tried very gently to explain that that is too much but she gets upset and says, "That is what I want and you always need to do what people want when they die because those are their wishes, not yours."

 

UGH!  

[SKL]

I would try to do a modified version.  For example, keep the ashes and plan the different get-togethers at a later date.  Bury the ashes when it is convenient for you to go to that location.  Even if it's years from now.  Or, you could delegate that and be there via skype or something.

 

For now I would just tell her "I will do my best."  Might as well let her feel good about it while it matters to her.

[zoobie]

I'd tell her she needs to pre-arrange it if it's that important to her. But I'm not on super good terms with my mother.

[MysteryJen]

Bearing in mind that I do not have the greatest relationship with my mom AND she did what she wanted when my dad died, not what he wanted, I would say, I will do what I can. (Financially, emotionally, logistically...this would be true). If that is not good enough, she should find someone else to organize and plan things.

[OhanaBee]

I have a fairly difficult relationship with my Mom.  She has made some demands about her death/service that, frankly, I have no intention of keeping.  But I haven't said anything beyond, "Mom, you know we'll do the best we can for you.  We know your wishes and you have to trust that Brother and I will keep them to the best of our abilities". 

 

At one point she was getting ridiculous and I finally said, "Mom, you'll be so busy connecting with old friends in Heaven that you won't care one bit what we're doing down here!"  Fortunately she saw the humor in that and laughed it off.

[Bluegoat]

I would tell her I could not manage the thing on the other coast.  She needs to make other arrangements for her friends to have their memorial out there.  I would do the local to me memorial, and I would try and manage the graveside bit though that could be tricky.

[bolt.]

I wonder if there are "party planners" that might arrange events like that?

 

If so, get a few quotes (about the cost) and find out what details, generally, an event planner or funereal venue would need in order to do what she wants. Return this info to your mom, ask her to provide the details (prob a guest list with contact info, maybe other things) and to "ok" -- or even set aside -- the costs.

 

If she implied or says 'you should do it yourself' tell her that you expect that, as someone recently-bereaved of a beloved mother, you expect to be very sad. Usually the bereaved expect to feel overwhelmed, and it is reasonable for you to expect yourself to be unable to cope with the details of such complicated events. (If she still insists, tell her that if you must 'do it yourself' -- you will do your best at the time, but you can't make any promises.)

[DawnM]

No ashes, she believes cremation is "desecrating the body" don't get me started.

 

My intention is to possibly do the West Coast one if I can, but def. do the East Coast.  I have NO and I mean NO intention of going to the middle of nowhere in Iowa to bury her.  

 

The problem will come if my dad dies first.  She will want me to do it all and will be upset if I don't.  When she is gone, she really won't care anymore anyway.

 

I know she is mentally unstable, so there is no reasoning with her.

[catz]

Ugh.  :(  I could not do that.  Nope. 

 

My dad died out of state last year and he was cremated and shipped back here for a memorial.  Some people asked about a memorial for the friends at their 2nd home but none of us could deal with planning 2 funerals.  I think it is fine to do what works for you when the time comes.  If she's mentally unstable, I'd just start passing the bean dip when discussions ensue. 

[MysteryJen]

My mom arranged burial plots near where she grew up. This is a state where we (my brother and sister) never go. It always seemed okay, but when my dad died, it definitely became not okay. Not only because, we never go there, but because mom had dad cremated because it was too cold to bury him there. And it was cheaper. Seriously. He died in October and wasn't buried until June. And she picked the one weekend I told her I absolutely positively couldn't go.

 

So I just say, I will do what I can. Which at this point in our relationship is precious little. But is probably more than my siblings will do.

[happi duck]

I'd encourage her to research it all and set aside the money for it...including money for airfare for whoever orchestrates everything. (Probably first the surviving spouse then you?)

 

Both my parents are gone.

 

My mom died first so my dad took care of my mom's final requests.

 

My dad had a simple request and my sibs refused to honor it. I was outvoted because what dad wanted wasn't what they wanted. It made me sad to not honor his request.

 

I hope you and your parents can come up with a good compromise.

[MinivanMom]

Funerals are for the living, not the dead.

 

That said, I have tried to honor the wishes of those who have passed on, but when their wishes are unreasonable, then they need to make arrangements ahead of time. It's really not fair to put that burden and financial expense on grieving relatives.

[DawnM]

I'd encourage her to research it all and set aside the money for it...including money for airfare for whoever orchestrates everything. (Probably first the surviving spouse then you?)

 

Both my parents are gone.

 

My mom died first so my dad took care of my mom's final requests.

 

My dad had a simple request and my sibs refused to honor it. I was outvoted because what dad wanted wasn't what they wanted. It made me sad to not honor his request.

 

I hope you and your parents can come up with a good compromise.

 

It is all paid for.  The funeral homes, the transportation of the bodies, the caskets.......what is not accounted for is the money spent and time spent to do all that she is asking.

 

My father took care of it all and did the research.  She doesn't even use a computer.  That is a whole different issue.

[City Mouse]

Well, she won't really know...

 

But if she has a church or close friends there, could you ask the, to plan a memorial service of school me kind, and you wouldn't necessarily have to attend.

[Lori D.]

I know she is mentally unstable, so there is no reasoning with her.

 

So you just say: "Thank you so much for pre-planning and making your last wishes clear to us for when the time comes. We really appreciate all the work you've put into planning and making all of the final arrangements. Now that's taken care of, let's talk about …. (fill in the blank -- whatever life-filled or joyful event is going on in one of your lives)." :)

 

Such a statement does not commit you to anything, but it acknowledges that you understand what her wishes are, and that you really appreciate that she has made all the plans needed for her final affairs. Since there is no reasoning with her, there is no need to get into anymore detail or discuss with her. If she keeps bringing up, you can just keep reflective listening: "Yes, I can hear how important this is to you. That must feel like such a relief to have it all planned and prepared for." If she absolutely presses for some sort of commitment, then I agree with the previous posters: "Thank you for sharing your final wishes with us; rest assured that we will keep them to the best of our abilities." (pass the bean dip)

 

When the time arrives, do what you can, and don't take on any guilt for what you can't. It is overwhelming to have to grieve, deal with all the paperwork, and all of the physical estate. One memorial service would be plenty to attend; pick the site where you would feel most connected, or would receive the most support, and let other people in those other locations step up to the plate (or not) as they feel led to do other memorial services or actual burial service.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[DawnM]

If my dad dies first, that will be the real problem.  She will expect me to do all of that for my dad, even though my dad doesn't care.  And she will want me to fly to Arizona, fly her all over to those places and then fly her back to Arizona.

 

Although I really am considering she may be too frail by that time to do it all.  She will still expect me to.

 

It will be so much easier for EVERYONE if she dies first.