s/o when should your kids have sex?

[Lawyer&Mom]

Awkward title, I know. Let me elaborate. What to you tell/teach your kids about when they should have sex?

 

No sex until marriage? College? Until you love someone?

 

My parents didn't have much to say about this, and I often wonder what I will tell my girls. I imagine there is a huge range on this one and I'd honestly love to hear all opinions.

[madteaparty]

I've no idea, but DS pointed out it was illegal until 17. I did not correct him ;)

[Tanaqui]

I've said that they should not have sex until THEY want to do it (that is, not because somebody is pressuring them, that's the sort of somebody you ditch fast) and that if they want to have sex they shouldn't try to justify it with "well, I love him, so it's okay", because I've seen  people tie themselves into bad relationships that way. Having sex doesn't make it true love, and it doesn't mean you're obligated to keep trying to make it work if it isn't working.

 

(Also, we've pretty strongly emphasized protection. Like whoa.)

 

But I don't think the choice to have or not have consensual sex overlaps much with morality at all. The choice to break a real or implied promise of monogamy does, and of course if the other party isn't consenting or isn't able to consent then it certainly does, but other than that? Meh.

[abba12]

We're a wait until marriage family, I hope my children will and I'll teach them about why we believe it's important to wait and how we believe God designed marriage and sex. 

 

(but, for the record, sex before marriage is NOT the most heinous sin in existence, and if one did have sex before marriage we would still love, accept and support them, while disapproving of that choice. I've seen some wait-until-marriage families who act as if sex before marriage is the ultimate sin and destroys you for life, forever. *rolls eyes*  ). 

[Mabelen]

I talk about how important it is to wait until they feel emotionally and physically ready for it and to not let anyone rush them into it. I also emphasize that sex can be wonderful but you are very vulnerable so they'd better wait for someone who they absolutely trust and with whom they have a committed relationship. Of course there are a lot of things to consider including stds, pregnancy, etc.

[DawnM]

Well, we believe sex is for marriage.  So that is what we teach.  They are well aware most of the world doesn't believe that way.  They are not naive or sheltered.  But we believe it anyway.

[Chris in VA]

After marriage. Agreeing with abba12.

Too early in a relationship can prejudice one in favor of a relationship that may not last, and I believe sex is to be discovered and savored and deepened over a long time in a relationship committed to the long term and pledged in front of a helpful community.

Maybe ideal, but that's what we shoot for, even if it doesn't work out.

[bolt.]

If they maintain the Christian faith and tradition in which they are being raised, I will support them in the values of that shared religious community to refrain from all sexual activity until they marry someone.

 

If they choose a secular life, I will encourage them to wait until they are legal adults, in a committed already-long-term-ish relationship with healthy dynamics, commencing after STD testing for each, using protection until they are fully ready for kids.

 

If they choose another faith, philosophy or tradition,I will support them in the values of that community in-so-far-as they don't actively violate the above two possibilities.

Edited February 29, 2016 by bolt.

[gardenmom5]

I'm a strong proponent of only within marriage. I've heard all the arguments against, but I've also seen the deleterious effect from my natal family.

I've four adult children, and they've chosen of themselves to wait. (Only one lives at home )

[The Girls' Mom]

We strongly advocate waiting until after marriage.  However, we aren't naive and have throughly explained how to protect oneself. 

[Wabi Sabi]

Whenever they are old enough to be able to deal with the possible ramifications of sex, they are educated about protection, when they have the emotional maturity to handle that level of intensity in a relationship, and when they feel ready, meaning that they are not being pressured by their partner. 

Frankly, I didn't wait until marriage and I'm glad I didn't. I was 17 the first time, had more than one partner before settling down with dh in my late 20s, and have absolutely zero regrets.  

[Tsuga]

I walk a fine line as a divorced parent. Their dad definitely believes in wait until marriage. As the sole residential parent I have a responsibility to ensure that I do not belittle or criticize his values even if I strongly disagree.

 

So I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Bolt's statement is helpful.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

My kids know what <I> think. 

 

What the Catholic Church teaches.

 

What many protestant sects teach.

 

And what society generally finds acceptable.

 

I've told them to follow their heart as to what is right for them.

[myfunnybunch]

I tell them that ideally, if I were the one choosing, they would wait for marriage.

 

I then tell them that I live in the real world, and because it's not my body then it's not my choice, it will be theirs. We talk about what it means to be ready for sex.

 

I will not be judgmental of a different choice than what I would wish for them, but I do expect that they understand that physical intimacy should only occur in a relationship in which there is mutual respect and consent. No means no, I'm not sure means no, I thought I was ready but I'm not means no, whether it's their partner or themselves saying it. Sometimes when we talk about readiness and consent with boys, we only address it from the perspective of a consenting partner, and forget to talk about giving consent also.

 

I remind them that our brains are primed to pair physical and emotional intimacy, and they need to be certain that they and their partner are on the same page. If they can't have that discussion then they aren't ready.

 

Safe sex protects them and their partner. (I try not to always use the word girlfriend/wife, because who knows? I am pretty sure they'll all date girls, but I don't know for certain.) If they are not prepared/mature enough to be safe, they have no business being sexually active. If they are underage, I'd rather know than not, so that they can be reminded of safety even if it would be weird to tell their mom.

 

That's the nutshell version of our car chats. There's lots more, questions and information and values, from both me and sons. Basically, be mindful, be respectful, be safe. Will they follow my advice? Who knows. Young people do stupid stuff sometimes. I just cross my fingers and hope they've got enough information to be less stupid.

Edited February 29, 2016 by myfunnybunch

[Jerico]

Marriage.

[Crimson Wife]

Adult and a commited, monogamous relationship. Hopefully married or at least formally engaged, but I'm in no position to judge a couple who plans to get married "some day" jumping the gun.

[Guest]

Not today.

[HS Mom in NC]

I told them they should wait until marriage, but if they choose not do what they should, then they're obligated to meticulously use 2 methods of contraception at the same time, every time or they're too immature to even consider sex. Then we talk about the math of know failure rates among people who use one method correctly.  I also tell them if that's what they choose to let me know and I'll take them in to the doctor and pay for the contraception (I have) because having kids outside a stable marriage is stacking the deck against the kids.  Do some of those kids over come it?  Yes, but most suffer for it.

[myfunnybunch]

Not today.

 

:lol:  :lol:  :lol:  

[Guest]

Inside of a marriage, ideally.

[FriedClams]

When they are married.

[Wheres Toto]

I've said that they should not have sex until THEY want to do it (that is, not because somebody is pressuring them, that's the sort of somebody you ditch fast) and that if they want to have sex they shouldn't try to justify it with "well, I love him, so it's okay", because I've seen  people tie themselves into bad relationships that way. Having sex doesn't make it true love, and it doesn't mean you're obligated to keep trying to make it work if it isn't working.

 

(Also, we've pretty strongly emphasized protection. Like whoa.)

 

But I don't think the choice to have or not have consensual sex overlaps much with morality at all. The choice to break a real or implied promise of monogamy does, and of course if the other party isn't consenting or isn't able to consent then it certainly does, but other than that? Meh.

 

 

I talk about how important it is to wait until they feel emotionally and physically ready for it and to not let anyone rush them into it. I also emphasize that sex can be wonderful but you are very vulnerable so they'd better wait for someone who they absolutely trust and with whom they have a committed relationship. Of course there are a lot of things to consider including stds, pregnancy, etc.

 

 

Basically something like both of these.  Doing what is right FOR THEM and doing it as safely as possible.  It's only really come up once since two of mine are pretty young still. 

[MedicMom]

My kids are young, but...when they are ready to be a parent. Emotionally, financially, etc. and when they are in a relationship with someone they are willing to tie themselves to for many years through a shared child.

 

Their dad is firmly in the wait till marriage camp. He didn't date until he was 25, and then we married just a few months later, so I'm not sure how viable his advice on the whole thing is going to be.

[PeachyDoodle]

We believe that sex is for marriage. I am happy to be able to tell them honestly that their father and I waited six years for our wedding night, starting from age 15. So it is not impossible, no matter what anyone says.

 

I'm not sure whether our story will work for us or against us. I'd like to think it would be inspiring, but it's just as likely to incite rebellion, I suppose. So I guess we will wait to see just how much we reveal when the time comes.

 

Regardless, we intend to make sure they are fully educated on all the aspects of sex that impact emotional and physical health and safety.

[mamiof5]

We firmly believe in the Sacrament of Matrimony. Hope they wait until after they are married.

[Dmmetler]

DD once told me she'd figured out the rule of three for humans (the rule of three for breeding cornsnakes is that they need to be 3 feet long, 3 years old, and 300g). You shouldn't have sex until you

 

1) have a job and can support a child

2) Have a house in a safe place so the child has somewhere to live

3) Are at least 30 years old.

 

I kind of doubt she'll wait until she's 30-but the first two seem pretty good to me (although I'd accept apartments. I don't think DD had visited a friend's home which wasn't in a house, either owned or rented, because in this area you can rent a several bedroom house for the same cost as a decent apartment)-and are basically what is required before you can be considered as a possible adoptive parent. 

 

 

 

[regentrude]

When they are in a committed relationship, able to think through consequences, responsible enough to use protection.

We consider sex healthy, normal human behavior and do not attach moral judgments to sex without marriage.

 

Clearly, we come from a different culture than the majority of posters here.

 

Edited March 1, 2016 by regentrude

[LMD]

We teach that sex is an adult activity with adult consequences. It is fun but serious.

So, we talk about mature and healthy relationships. About enjoying and making the most of each stage of life for its unique benefits (IE don't grow up too fast!), about not obsessing about finding a partner but being a fantastic person who is happy in themselves, the right partner for them will be drawn to that.

I also subscribe to the theory that some kids like a "mun said no" out. I'm happy to be the bad guy while they gain their own confidence.

[Misha]

My girls are a little young for this but I've told them they should only have sex with someone they care deeply for, that doesn't ever pressure them, and that they can talk to - openly and honestly. I've also encouraged them to never have sex with someone they can't see in their lives forever (in case of an unplanned pregnancy and in case they move ahead to complete the pregnancy). 




 

[madteaparty]

When they are in a committed relationship, able to think through consequences, responsible enough to use protection.

We consider sex healthy, normal human behavior and do not attach moral judgments to sex without marriage.

 

Clearly, we come from a different culture than the majority of posters here.

Same here, these sorts of thread always surprise me.

[Lawyer&Mom]

DD once told me she'd figured out the rule of three for humans (the rule of three for breeding cornsnakes is that they need to be 3 feet long, 3 years old, and 300g). You shouldn't have sex until you

 

1) have a job and can support a child

2) Have a house in a safe place so the child has somewhere to live

3) Are at least 30 years old.

 

I kind of doubt she'll wait until she's 30-but the first two seem pretty good to me (although I'd accept apartments. I don't think DD had visited a friend's home which wasn't in a house, either owned or rented, because in this area you can rent a several bedroom house for the same cost as a decent apartment)-and are basically what is required before you can be considered as a possible adoptive parent.

These are basically my rules for marriage, so I think she's on to something. I married at 32. After college, after grad school, after establishing myself professionally. I'd gladly advise my girls to do the same. Pretty sure I don't want them to be 32 year old virgins... Like I said before, not sure what my advice will be. They are still so young, I've got some time, but I'd like Dh and I to have an agreed party line soon. I think what you tell kids when they are young really matters.

[bibiche]

That the safest course of action is to wait until they are married. No form of birth control is 100 % ( and the boys know that our youngest was an "accident while I was using birth control as prescribed!!!!) There are so many STD's out there. They shouldn't have sex until they are willing to be a father ( or mother.) If they aren't ready, then they shouldn't have sex.

*gulp*. You told your children that one of them was an accident?!

[madteaparty]

These are basically my rules for marriage, so I think she's on to something. I married at 32. After college, after grad school, after establishing myself professionally. I'd gladly advise my girls to do the same. Pretty sure I don't want them to be 32 year old virgins... Like I said before, not sure what my advice will be. They are still so young, I've got some time, but I'd like Dh and I to have an agreed party line soon. I think what you tell kids when they are young really matters.

Ha. Well I had neither job not 30 years of age (and actually we were intentionally "homeless", traveling Europe the summer before we moved for law school when DS was born. I shouldn't have had him, eh? But he got to see the Colosseum at 2 months old, can I keep him, o hive? Lol. Edited March 1, 2016 by madteaparty

[athomeontheprairie]

*gulp*. You told your children that one of them was an accident?!

My oldest was a surprise. We were on two forms of bc. I'll make sure she knows it. Bc doesn't guarantee anything (and this is what the point is). That doesn't mean we don't absolutely, 100% and unconditionally love her. Is just Life doesn't always go as planned-be old/mature enough to handle it.

[catz]

Ha. Well I had neither job not 30 years of age (and actually we were intentionally "homeless", traveling Europe the summer before we moved for law school when DS was born. I shouldn't have had him, eh? But he got to see the Colosseum at 2 months old, can I keep him, o hive? Lol.

 

I didn't hear anyone say only ONE approach is right for everyone.  Just what they'd advise for their own kids.  If YOU are happy with how it worked out and your choices, that's all that is important.

 

I was 29 when I married, owned my own home previously, had multiple degrees, and worked professionally a number of years.  We had our first child when I was 30 and my DH was 38.  I have no regrets and I would tell my kids that.  I can say neither of us held out that long for s*x.  But we did both take it seriously and not jump into bed with people either.  I had several serious relationships in my 20's that could have led to marriage but it's good they didn't.

 

We have been able to make decisions and do things as a family had we not done things this way.  Financially alone it has been a huge boon for us to be 2 established debt free adults going into our married lives. I personally do not have particular regrets about s*x before marriage.  If my kids chose to do things differently, I will still love and support them.  That is their decision. Different transitions into marriage and parenthood will work for different people.   I personally hope my kids will at least finish an undergrad degree before marrying.  Our college educations have paid out substantially.  

 

Ultimately, you can recommend whatever you want to your kids and they can still do the opposite!  LOL.  If my dd came home pregnant at some point (she's only 11!), all I would do is love on her. 

 

[Lawyer&Mom]

Ha. Well I had neither job not 30 years of age (and actually we were intentionally "homeless", traveling Europe the summer before we moved for law school when DS was born. I shouldn't have had him, eh? But he got to see the Colosseum at 2 months old, can I keep him, o hive? Lol.

I was born out of wedlock, raised by a single mom who worked crazy long hours to support us. I was super paranoid about having all my ducks in a row before I got married and had kids. Maybe slightly more than strictly necessary... Europe with a newborn sounds both awesome and terrifying. Glad it worked out for you!

[madteaparty]

I was born out of wedlock, raised by a single mom who worked crazy long hours to support us. I was super paranoid about having all my ducks in a row before I got married and had kids. Maybe slightly more than strictly necessary... Europe with a newborn sounds both awesome and terrifying. Glad it worked out for you!

It was easier with a newborn than a toddler ;)

[Guest]

Well my eight year old informed me that he wouldn't mate until he was ready to breed, and will only breed when he finds a woman that let him eat sardines in his own house, not on the porch, unlike his mother.

 

Wouldn't it be amazing if he still feels this way as a teenager? Haha

[marbel]

I wish I had waited till I was married or at least for something beyond "when I felt it was right."   I don't put much stock in teens/young adults acting wisely based on when they feel something is right, though of course that is based on my own experiences and observations and I know this is a big YMMV area.

 

One piece of advice I received (which I did not follow) was not to have sex with anyone I wasn't prepared to have in my life for the rest of it, because if there was a baby, married or not, that guy was going to be in my life. 

 

I'm not sure I'll ever tell my kids that, but we have discussed all this with them and they know that we would prefer they wait till marriage.  We are not stupid and we won't reject them if they don't do that.  They do know how to protect themselves as best as one can against disease and pregnancy.  Don't know if they are prepared for the heartache that can come from a too-early sexual relationship. 

 

ETA: We also consider sex to be normal, healthy, and desirable, under the right circumstances, which for us would mean marriage (or as Crimson Wife said, a committed monogamous relationship at least).

Edited March 1, 2016 by marbel

[Crimson Wife]

Same here, these sorts of thread always surprise me.

 

Why? According to Gallup, 1/3 of Americans consider premarital sex to be immoral. I would presume that the percentage is higher among homeschoolers since many are more religious than the average American. http://www.gallup.com/poll/170789/new-record-highs-moral-acceptability.aspx

 

Yes, there is a lot of "do as I say, and not as I did" when it comes to premarital sex among Americans. Which is why I personally say, "adult, and in a committed, monogamous relationship" rather than taking a hard-line about waiting all the way until the wedding night as would be best. 

[ktgrok]

That the safest course of action is to wait until they are married.  No form of birth control is 100 % ( and the boys know that our youngest was an "accident while I was using birth control as prescribed!!!!)   There are so many STD's out there.  They shouldn't have sex until they are willing to be a father ( or mother.)  If they aren't ready, then they shouldn't have sex.  

 

Pretty much this. That my preference is that they wait until marriage, but at the least to be emotional and financially stable enough to handle a child if one is produced (and you never know if one will be! ) and then of course there is the risk of disease, as well as the emotional risk of becoming too involved in a relationship too fast, and it being harder to break up. 

[madteaparty]

Why? According to Gallup, 1/3 of Americans consider premarital sex to be immoral. I would presume that the percentage is higher among homeschoolers since many are more religious than the average American. http://www.gallup.com/poll/170789/new-record-highs-moral-acceptability.aspx

 

Yes, there is a lot of "do as I say, and not as I did" when it comes to premarital sex among Americans. Which is why I personally say, "adult, and in a committed, monogamous relationship" rather than taking a hard-line about waiting all the way until the wedding night as would be best.

You are right, of course. I often forget that about these boards. Threads like these remind me :)

[Crimson Wife]

My oldest was a surprise. We were on two forms of bc. I'll make sure she knows it. Bc doesn't guarantee anything (and this is what the point is). That doesn't mean we don't absolutely, 100% and unconditionally love her. Is just Life doesn't always go as planned-be old/mature enough to handle it.

 

Ditto. We always wanted kids but the timing with her was NOT good as I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after DH had gotten accepted to grad school. Thank goodness I was 25 and married rather than 15 and single.

 

[Joker]

*gulp*. You told your children that one of them was an accident?!

My parents had four children and we all knew only the first was planned. They were using bc with all the rest of us. My mom was told at the beginning with her fourth that he wouldn't actually be born but she did everything she could and miraculously he made it. None of us ever thought anything of it except that bc isn't 100% effective. My parents always showed us they love us and knowing they didn't plan for us isn't a big deal.

Edited March 1, 2016 by Joker

[Wabi Sabi]

*gulp*. You told your children that one of them was an accident?!

My son has been told that he was the best accident that could've happened to us. He asked how we decided that it was time for us to have kids, and we just laughed and told him the truth.   :tongue_smilie: 

 

He was conceived just a couple of months after we got married. We totally weren't planning on having a baby THAT soon, and I never thought I'd be 9 months pregnant on our first anniversary, but it ended up working out beautifully! 

[Annie G]

I hoped they would all wait until they were at least 18 and three out of four did.  I wanted them to be responsible when they made the decision to be sexually active and they were.  

 

I can't go as far as saying that they need to be married or 'ready' to have a baby either emotionally or financially.  We got pregnant with our first - planned- and then both of us lost our jobs. We struggled for a couple of years.  We tried for years to have a 3rd child but were not successful with fertility drugs. So dh applied to a PhD program, we put our stuff in storage, and planned to head off to school. ....and I got pregnant.  So we're not exactly poster children for good planning or financial stability while pregnant.  And yet it all worked out.

 

I'm more interested in them being good partners- not pressuring a partner, making sure they are clear when they do and do not provide consent, and not mixing alcohol impairment with sex.   

 

 

[creekland]

*gulp*. You told your children that one of them was an accident?!

 

I was an accident.  I never thought twice about it.  Actually, change that.  I did.  I'm really glad abortion wasn't legal back then as I also know I wouldn't be here if it had been.  It's why I'm 100% pro-life actually.  (Except in very rare cases.)  I'm totally live and let live on other things, but not abortion.  Well... the "let the baby live" part trumps the rest.

 

As for sex though... all we've told our kids is hubby and I are 100% glad we waited for each other and had no relations with anyone else to taint our memories.

 

They can decide for themselves what's right for them.  We'll love and accept them no matter what.  They don't have to grow up to be clones of us in any way, shape, or fashion.  They know this.  We've told them point blank.

[Lady Florida.]

Good god, I didn't get married until I was almost 37. I can't imagine having waited. I would have practically been the 40 year old virgin if I did.  :lol:

 

 

Whenever they are old enough to be able to deal with the possible ramifications of sex, they are educated about protection, when they have the emotional maturity to handle that level of intensity in a relationship, and when they feel ready, meaning that they are not being pressured by their partner. 

Frankly, I didn't wait until marriage and I'm glad I didn't. I was 17 the first time, had more than one partner before settling down with dh in my late 20s, and have absolutely zero regrets.  

 

^^^This^^^

 

 

 

Of course, this is unlikely. So later is my preference - in or out of a committed relationship - but I am realistic enough not to make that the law.

 

Under 16 I am not happy, not happy at all. 16...hmm...not my preference but communication and safety trump all, so I won't freak out. 

 

17/18 + is a better age for decision making on this scale, imo. 

 

^^^And this. ^^^

 

 

Ds is 18. He and his girlfriend have been dating for 2 years. We (including her parents) are aware of their activity and have talked to them, plus she's taking bc pills. Beyond that (discussions), at this point it's their choice. 

[abba12]

I'm amused by the not marrying before 30 thing lol. I suppose if you're wanting to delay marriage that long, it makes a lot of sense that many people would not want to delay sex that long. Encouraging late marriage AND no sex would be hard. 

 

As for me, I married at 18 and had my first baby at 19 lol! (and sex had nothing to do with it, I wasn't a virgin, though my husband and I did not have sex between us until our wedding night and he was a virgin, but he was quite happy to remain that way many years longer if need be.)

 

I have no regrets at all, though young marriages do have some unique challenges and I think a large portion of them fail simply because of unrealistic and immature expectations, they also have some unique benefits in my personal opinion. I wouldn't dissuade my kids from marrying young, but I would also talk very seriously about expectations and maturity and knowing fully what they're getting into, but that's the kind of thing I hope to talk to them about all through adolescence, what relationships truly look like. 

[Mimm]

I told them that I hope they wait till marriage but if they don't, they need to be safe, etc. I waited and I'm happy with that decision. No regrets.

 

Regardless of waiting till marriage, they for sure need to wait till they're old enough and responsible enough to be safe and deal with all possible consequences of sex.

 

I haven't read many replies, just skimmed a couple late, but I don't think it's bad for kids to know they are a surprise. My last is 11 years younger than my other two. I'm pretty sure she'll figure it out. I will tell her she is the best surprise of my life. :)