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When they actually share and you wish you didn't know


Joyofsixreboot
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So dd 17 shared with me last night her concerns for many of her friends. Evidently she is the only one not having sex, and risky sex at that ( random hook ups, unprotected vaginal and anal sex, etc). She wanted my take on whether she should carry protection with her, what I thought she should tell her friends, and lots of other concerns. I, of course, reiterated safety, maturity, the need to avoid dangerous situations, my feeling that sex is best in a committed relationship and she was fine but I am shaken. It's not that her high achieving, church going " good girl" friends are having sex but that it is so unsafe and random. I almost wish she hadn't said anything.

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My kids are 9 and we've had these conversations in the past week:

  • They are studying David and Bathsheba and Uriah in religion (Lutheran school).  The teacher is teaching the Biblical version.
  • A classmate (4th grade) told them that she "did sex [later described as being done 'through their clothes']" with her (also young) cousin.  She told him no, but he didn't stop.  My kids reported it to the teacher, who apparently did what should be done in such cases.
  • My kids asked me whether it's OK to have sex before marriage if you know you're going to get married.  They went on to explain that their classmate's divorced mom's boyfriend has moved in and they had a baby together and they are going to get married.  But he's not very nice, because he hits he baby for crying.
Edited by SKL
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My kids are 9 and we've had these conversations in the past week:

 

  • They are studying David and Bathsheba and Uriah in religion (Lutheran school). The teacher is teaching the Biblical version.
  • A classmate (4th grade) told them that she "did sex through her clothes" with her (also young) cousin. She told him no, but he didn't stop. My kids reported it to the teacher, who apparently did what should be done in such cases.
  • My kids asked me whether it's OK to have sex before marriage if you know you're going to get married. They went on to explain that their classmate's divorced mom's boyfriend has moved in and they had a baby together and they are going to get married. But he's not very nice, because he hits he baby for crying.
The baby 😥

It makes me sad to consider that these kids are taking risks that can have lifelong effects. How is there no concern for STDs?

Tbh, I don't even understand how a**l is a thing. (I'm ridiculously naive and don't want to Google.)

The reasoning is you can't get pregnant. It all makes me so worried about them. Edited by joyofsix
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Honestly? I would probably go down to the PP clinic, get as many free condoms and dental dams as they'd let me carry away (with an explanation of what for) and encourage my DD to become the condom fairy for her social circle. I'd tell her to encourage her friends at every opportunity to be safe and not stupid. Random hookups should have a friend in screaming distance, for instance, and anal, vaginal, and oral contact with someone's genitals should have a safety barrier involved. I'd also provide her with info about where her friends can go to get free confidential STD testing to pass along.

 

I'd do this in the interest of safety. Preaching isn't going to stop a teenager from having sex if they're going to--a condom stuck under their nose at the right moment might help keep them safer than they'd be otherwise.

Edited by Ravin
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It makes me sad to consider that these kids are taking risks that can have lifelong effects. How is there no concern for STDs?

 

Tbh, I don't even understand how a**l is a thing. (I'm ridiculously naive and don't want to Google.)

 

As mentioned above, there is the reasoning that you can't get pregnant that way. Also, some people simply enjoy it.

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<p>My kids are 9 and we've had these conversations in the past week:

  • They are studying David and Bathsheba and Uriah in religion (Lutheran school). The teacher is teaching the Biblical version.
  • A classmate (4th grade) told them that she "did sex through her clothes" with her (also young) cousin. She told him no, but he didn't stop. My kids reported it to the teacher, who apparently did what should be done in such cases.
  • My kids asked me whether it's OK to have sex before marriage if you know you're going to get married. They went on to explain that their classmate's divorced mom's boyfriend has moved in and they had a baby together and they are going to get married. But he's not very nice, because he hits he baby for crying.

Having to have ANY of these conversations at 9 just revolves my stomach. How sad :( And the baby??? Ugh!! It breaks my heart :(

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Honestly? I would probably go down to the PP clinic, get as many free condoms and dental dams as they'd let me carry away (with an explanation of what for) and encourage my DD to become the condom fairy for her social circle. I'd tell her to encourage her friends at every opportunity to be safe and not stupid. Random hookups should have a friend in screaming distance, for instance, and anal, vaginal, and oral contact with someone's genitals should have a safety barrier involved. I'd also provide her with info about where her friends can go to get free confidential STD testing to pass along.

 

I'd do this in the interest of safety. Preaching isn't going to stop a teenager from having sex if they're going to--a condom stuck under their nose at the right moment might help keep them safer than they'd be otherwise.

 

Honestly I think this is a great idea, and I'd do the same. For that matter, I've recently seen an article about a mom who sent her daughter off to college with 3 doses of the morning after pill, for her or her friends.  At Christmas break all of them had been used.

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I am not exactly ready for all of these conversations - that is, ready to be comfortable with them - but I am kinda glad I got a wake-up call that my kids are in that social stage of development, whether I'm ready or not.  Time for *me* to grow up.  :/  Kinda weird when the same kid wants to climb into my lap and cuddle at other times.

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I got to listen in to many unasked-for conversations at work awhile back, and I really, really did not feel comfortable knowing this stuff about my one son's friends. He actually started opening up more when he realized I now knew what his friends were up to, but I can relate to your feelings.

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As mentioned above, there is the reasoning that you can't get pregnant that way. Also, some people simply enjoy it.

I realize this...I literally don't understand how it is physically possible or safe...though I guess it is possible since it happens. Like I said, I am ridiculously naive and apparently don't understand anatomy.

*waddles away embarrassed and not wanting to hijack the thread*

 

.

Edited by happi duck
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Honestly? I would probably go down to the PP clinic, get as many free condoms and dental dams as they'd let me carry away (with an explanation of what for) and encourage my DD to become the condom fairy for her social circle. I'd tell her to encourage her friends at every opportunity to be safe and not stupid. Random hookups should have a friend in screaming distance, for instance, and anal, vaginal, and oral contact with someone's genitals should have a safety barrier involved. I'd also provide her with info about where her friends can go to get free confidential STD testing to pass along.

 

I'd do this in the interest of safety. Preaching isn't going to stop a teenager from having sex if they're going to--a condom stuck under their nose at the right moment might help keep them safer than they'd be otherwise.

That's sort of where I'm at. The nearest PP or health clinic is about 50 miles away. We are small and rural. I'm worried they could catch any number of STD's and never even be screened. I just don't see them calling up the GP they go to church with to get an appointment KWIM. ~sigh~
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Honestly? I would probably go down to the PP clinic, get as many free condoms and dental dams as they'd let me carry away (with an explanation of what for) and encourage my DD to become the condom fairy for her social circle. I'd tell her to encourage her friends at every opportunity to be safe and not stupid. Random hookups should have a friend in screaming distance, for instance, and anal, vaginal, and oral contact with someone's genitals should have a safety barrier involved. I'd also provide her with info about where her friends can go to get free confidential STD testing to pass along.

 

I'd do this in the interest of safety. Preaching isn't going to stop a teenager from having sex if they're going to--a condom stuck under their nose at the right moment might help keep them safer than they'd be otherwise.

Very practical advice. I practically buried ds22 in condoms when I suspected he was becomming sexually active and have not regretted it

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I realize this...I literally don't understand how it is physically possible or safe...though I guess it is possible since it happens. Like I said, I am ridiculously naive and apparently don't understand anatomy.

*waddles away embarrassed and not wanting to hijack the thread*

 

.

 

When you think about what comes out of your bottom, then you can imagine what might be able to go in.  And most of the time, that part of the passage is more-or-less empty.

Edited by Laura Corin
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I think it is amazing that your child is willing to have these conversations with you. 

 

As a teen, I was told that the door was always open and that if I was responsible enough to make the decision to have sex, that I'd be responsible enough to come to my parents and tell them, so I could start using birth control pills. 

 

Except, when I had that conversation, I was accused of being a wh*re, even though I was a virgin.  I made the decision to get ON birth control before I lost my virginity.  Even though that was an anomaly among my peers. 

 

I was the only one in my peer group that routinely used condoms AND birth control.  I remember wanting to puke when I found out a friend had an STD.  Thankfully it was a treatable one.  I just remember being *really* freaked out and lots of friends going for testing that they had never considered before.  

 

My husband's mother provided condoms starting around 16/17 and although he wasn't sexually active, she repeatedly refilled the supply-- no questions asked.  

 

I *really* hope that our children feel comfortable honestly telling us what is going on in their peer group.  I know the tendency is to want to control the friendships (or end them) after you find out, but even among really "nice" peer groups this is an issue.  I was an honors student, graduated 7th in my class, and hung out with what some considered "nerds."  Even nerds have sex and sometimes they do it irresponsibly.   

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I had a lovely conversation about how normal it is for teens to send naked pictures of themselves to each other.  

 

Ds said he hasn't done that because a) he doesn't have a girlfriend and b) it's kind of weird for a guy to send a naked picture of himself.

 

We have had lots of conversations about internet and the fact that nothing is actually private.  Also about long-term ramifications of one's actions online and about pornography charges - although now apparently it's not illegal for someone to send a photo of themselves to another person provided the two are close in age.  Sharing the photo with others would still be illegal.

 

 

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SF and Oakland gives out condoms to their miiddle school and  high school students no questions asked.

"But San Francisco isn't alone. Oakland Unified School District adopted a similar policy in June 2014, and although the vast majority of school districts don't offer condoms to middle schoolers, some 25 school-based health centers in Contra Costa County do, without requiring parental consent.

There wasn't pushback and it wasn't controversial at all when the policy was passed ... because most parents want their kids to have the resources they need," said Mara Larsen-Fleming, the director of health and wellness for the Oakland district. Larsen-Fleming pointed out that about 8.5 percent of Oakland Unified seventh graders surveyed as part of the California Healthy Kids Survey in the 2014-2015 school year reported being sexually active."

 

http://www.contracostatimes.com/breaking-news/ci_29566946/san-francisco-school-district-joins-oakland-offering-condoms

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I had a lovely conversation about how normal it is for teens to send naked pictures of themselves to each other.  

 

Ds said he hasn't done that because a) he doesn't have a girlfriend and b) it's kind of weird for a guy to send a naked picture of himself.

 

We have had lots of conversations about internet and the fact that nothing is actually private.  Also about long-term ramifications of one's actions online and about pornography charges - although now apparently it's not illegal for someone to send a photo of themselves to another person provided the two are close in age.  Sharing the photo with others would still be illegal.

 

This site has a map which details the laws on sexting for each state, including as how they pertain to minors. 

 

http://mobilemediaguard.com/state_main.html

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My graduate degree and post grad work for several years was centered on HIV and STIs. I worked with, and our studies were on, extremely high risk teens and adults. Because of this I have quite the book collection with medical photography leaving nothing to the imagination of what these diseases do and to how many people they do it. Several of my friends have had me sit down with their teens and these books to have a much more concrete understanding of these diseases than a high school health class is going to offer. Is it awkward? Maybe a little, but it's pretty clinical. Seeing an STI in photograph is way different than reading about one. And i also have pointed out to them that condoms don't stop everything, which is something a lot of people don't like pointing out, but it's true, and they should understand you are still at heavy risk of several STIs even being "safe".....and yes- kids are going to do what they're going to do, but I'm pretty sure they are at least well informed after seeing these books.

 

Another friend of mine also drew cluster charts for her daughter showing how diseases spread so quickly, and how just sleeping with one person, isn't really sleeping with one person. This has a stunning effect on the daughter as she realized how quickly one could expose herself to several hundred people when the hypothetical cluster was drawn. I err on the side of being over informative, as it has shocked me over the years how little even adults know about these diseases. Look at how long it has taken to get the general public to understand HPV causes multiple types of cancer......I know it's depressing, but it's great she came to you, and maybe your daughter can inspire some fear and self respect into her friends.

 

I had a health teacher that showed us the same thing.  Health was my last class and I remember looking forward to the end of the day but dreading seeing the pictures.  

 

We also had to draw out clusters.  Very eye opening and lifechanging. 

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As mentioned above, there is the reasoning that you can't get pregnant that way. Also, some people simply enjoy it.

No hymen = no loss of virginity, aka the poophole loophole.

 

Talk to your kids about anal, people. It is most certainly a thing.

 

Also, OP... Hugs. Great that she talks to you.

Edited by Tsuga
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By the way, it's not that I believe in the "anal saves your virginity" thing. But it's been around for decades and appears to be growing in popularity which is awful for the non-condom using public because anal sex carries a high risk of disease transmission.

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Am I the only on wondering why something isn't being said to CPS or the powers that be about the baby that's being hit by the boyfriend? :(

 

I told my kids that maybe their friend should tell the teacher about the hitting.  If she did that, would the teacher have to report based on hearsay about a child she never sees?  I don't know.

 

I don't know that family at all, and I don't know how accurate my kids' second-hand reports are, nor am I in a position to learn more.

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By the way, it's not that I believe in the "anal saves your virginity" thing. But it's been around for decades and appears to be growing in popularity which is awful for the non-condom using public because anal sex carries a high risk of disease transmission.

 

See I wonder if it's really more popular or what.  I heard stuff as a teen.  People freaked about the same stuff as they are freaking out about now.  And that was not yesterday.  KWIM?

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Reminds me of a movie I saw years ago.  Burt Reynolds was the Dad.   The high school aged daughter was crying in her bedroom to her mom because the captain of the Hockey team refused to have sex with her (in a hockey town).   Burt opened the door and wanted to know what was wrong, mom said no he didn't want to know, it went back and forth with Burt insisting and the mom refusing.  Finally, the mom said, "I swear, if you ask one more time.   I will tell you!"   Burt got this stricken look and closed to door without saying anything.   
 

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That's sort of where I'm at. The nearest PP or health clinic is about 50 miles away. We are small and rural. I'm worried they could catch any number of STD's and never even be screened. I just don't see them calling up the GP they go to church with to get an appointment KWIM. ~sigh~

 

First, it's incredibly awesome that you have such a good relationship that your DD trusts you.  I hope I have that good of a relationship with my kids when it's time.

 

Does their school nurse provide condoms or is that a no-no where you live?

 

Honestly, I would consider contacting the PP that is 50 miles away and see if they would send you stuff....and also see if they have some sort of mobile unit that could visit the area every month or two.  Tell them the need, what you've been told.

 

If not, I'd buy in bulk online.....put a bowl in my house....and distribute freely.

Edited by umsami
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I realize this...I literally don't understand how it is physically possible or safe...though I guess it is possible since it happens. Like I said, I am ridiculously naive and apparently don't understand anatomy.

*waddles away embarrassed and not wanting to hijack the thread*

 

Anal isn't just about the virginity loophole and pregnancy. A wide range of people actually enjoy it for a wide range of reasons, it's not just an alternative to sex when you can't have sex, some people find it genuinely enjoyable. Different strokes for different folks. It doesn't usually hurt once you and your body gets used to it (I was abused and forced into child prostitution, and have no modesty/shame on sexual topics, so, yeah, I've done it, both willingly and forced. I didn't know how taboo it was until much later, so the responses on this thread are a little weird to me lol, as I'm sure this post probably is to some of you. Totally different frames of 'normal' in our lives.)

 

Plus, while it's not a part of every gay male couples sex life, it certainly happens between a large portion of gay male partners. The prostate provides sexual stimulation. 

 

I've posted an explanation of the anatomy of how it works below, in white. Highlight this post and you'll be able to read it, I put it in white so I don't make anyone uncomfortable with graphic descriptions. I tried to find a safe link instead but no one online on any safe sites seemed to care about the anatomy of it lol.

 

 

For those afraid to google, the anal passage is very flexible and can stretch a lot more than people realize (or will ever need/want it to, lol), and contract back to size quickly, and really a penis isn't much larger than a regular bowel movement. A penis has a rounded tip obviously, so it can gradually stretch the opening, like pulling something down a cone, so it's not like trying to put a flat-ended thing in, but the penis isn't sharp, so it's not going to pierce through the tissue or anything either (I've heard of people who think this). There are some minor risks, but basic common sense, working up slowly so the body has time to adjust itself, and stopping if it hurts removes most of those. The muscular movements when you go to the bathroom aren't just an 'outward force'. They're unusual because in this case gently tensing your muscles doesn't cause a clenching movement like it does in most of the body, but along with the downward force are also a 'muscle relaxing' and 'opening' movement so they facilitate exit, as well as entry. And once you're in, your body adjusts and will remain 'stretched' for a short enough time that moving in and out isn't a big deal. It's quite safe in most cases. 

Edited by abba12
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Anal isn't just about the virginity loophole and pregnancy. A wide range of people actually enjoy it for a wide range of reasons, it's not just an alternative to sex when you can't have sex, some people find it genuinely enjoyable. Different strokes for different folks. It doesn't usually hurt once you and your body gets used to it.

 

 

I'm sorry if it came off that way--my concern is that many kids engage in anal sex thinking it's not "real sex" and therefore not taking precautions.

 

 

Honestly I have a hard time believing that self-proclaimed virgins until marriage are choosing anal exclusively because it's their preferred position, particularly when they tell researchers that they haven't even tried vaginal sex, you know?

 

I hear what you're saying and yes, there are MANY positions and sexual activities that can be enjoyed, but the fact is, some people claim to engage in anal to avoid "real sex" and in my opinion, that is not a healthy choice because it's a choice that comes from shame and fear.

 

Now if you want to do whatever you want between two consenting adults or at least cognizant teens that is fine with me, but don't come telling me you told your daughter about the hymen and virginity and her precious gift, and left out the whole anal / oral sex discussion because "who would want to do that".

 

 

The same goes for oral.

 

That is my point. The whole not being careful thing. I guess at this point I should bring up withdrawal and Other Lies Horny Toads Tell:

 

1. If you withdraw before orgasm, it's still sex and you can still get pregnant.

2. If it's in a hot tub, it's still sex and you can still get pregnant.

3. Just because it doesn't hurt doesn't mean he's not all the way in and even if he's not all the way in doesn't mean it's not sex.

4. Pen!s in your mouth, pen!s in your butt, pen!s in your vagina, pen!s in the wrong hole, ALL S-X.

 

Pen!s in your hand, debatable, but you can get herpes on your hands if they are moist enough (sweaty, whatever), so yeah. 

 

Sorry for marginalizing a whole category of sex. My point was to include it, not to marginalize it.

Edited by Tsuga
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I'm sorry if it came off that way--my concern is that many kids engage in anal sex thinking it's not "real sex" and therefore not taking precautions.

 

 

Honestly I have a hard time believing that self-proclaimed virgins until marriage are choosing anal exclusively because it's their preferred position, particularly when they tell researchers that they haven't even tried vaginal sex, you know?

 

I hear what you're saying and yes, there are MANY positions and sexual activities that can be enjoyed, but the fact is, some people claim to engage in anal to avoid "real sex" and in my opinion, that is not a healthy choice because it's a choice that comes from shame and fear.

 

Now if you want to do whatever you want between two consenting adults or at least cognizant teens that is fine with me, but don't come telling me you told your daughter about the hymen and virginity and her precious gift, and left out the whole anal / oral sex discussion because "who would want to do that".

 

 

The same goes for oral.

 

That is my point. The whole not being careful thing. I guess at this point I should bring up withdrawal and Other Lies Horny Toads Tell:

 

1. If you withdraw before orgasm, it's still sex and you can still get pregnant.

2. If it's in a hot tub, it's still sex and you can still get pregnant.

3. Just because it doesn't hurt doesn't mean he's not all the way in and even if he's not all the way in doesn't mean it's not sex.

4. Pen!s in your mouth, pen!s in your butt, pen!s in your vagina, pen!s in the wrong hole, ALL S-X.

 

Pen!s in your hand, debatable, but you can get herpes on your hands if they are moist enough (sweaty, whatever), so yeah. 

 

Sorry for marginalizing a whole category of sex. My point was to include it, not to marginalize it.

Ah, yes, obviously im talking as a married person who enjoys both.

As far as im concerned, if youve had anal youre not a virgin.

Do people really, honestly still believe those sorts of things about not getting pregnant?

I figure anyone having risky sex just doesnt care. How can anyone in this day in age honestly believe any of that stuff with all the education that happens. Even abstinence only education says youll get pregnant doesnt it? (Different country here)

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Ah, yes, obviously im talking as a married person who enjoys both.

As far as im concerned, if youve had anal youre not a virgin.

Do people really, honestly still believe those sorts of things about not getting pregnant?

I figure anyone having risky sex just doesnt care. How can anyone in this day in age honestly believe any of that stuff with all the education that happens. Even abstinence only education says youll get pregnant doesnt it? (Different country here)

 

Everything I've ever read or previewed says yes, you can get pregnant.  However, there are still very outdated thoughts about when ovulation actually occurs.  As a successful NFP'er (both to avoid and conceive), I'm ALWAYS shocked how little OBGYN's really share about cycles with their patients.  So if an OBGYN is giving false info, imagine what people without medical degrees think about sex.  

A very educated woman once said to me, "I can't be pregnant!  I didn't even HAVE SEX on Day 14!"  

 

It'd be funny if it wasn't so sad.  

 

And THEN, add in that teenagers always seem to have an "it won't happen to me" mentality and you have a situation that is unsafe all around.  

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I told my kids that maybe their friend should tell the teacher about the hitting.  If she did that, would the teacher have to report based on hearsay about a child she never sees?  I don't know.

 

I don't know that family at all, and I don't know how accurate my kids' second-hand reports are, nor am I in a position to learn more.

 

I honestly can't fathom this response. It is not your young children's job to report it nor is it their job to have their friends tell. It is yours. My oldest dd was told something when she was 16. She was devastated and didn't know if was true or what to do. She told us, her parents. and we told those in a position of authority and ability to help. I had no idea if it was true or if they could do anything. I was informed later that there was already an open CPS investigation because of several other concerns. They were grateful for our input as they had a more narrow focus for questioning and investigation. I honestly do not get those who hear these things and do absolutely nothing. 

 

FTR, I have had CPS show up at my door based on bad information. I hated it and am forever changed because of it. In the end, nothing was done because it was completely bogus. The difference is that, in my case, bad information was given by an adult who should have known better. I would never discount or pass off information given by my dds based off information they received from their friends. 

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My kids are 9 and we've had these conversations in the past week:

  • They are studying David and Bathsheba and Uriah in religion (Lutheran school).  The teacher is teaching the Biblical version.
  • A classmate (4th grade) told them that she "did sex [later described as being done 'through their clothes']" with her (also young) cousin.  She told him no, but he didn't stop.  My kids reported it to the teacher, who apparently did what should be done in such cases.
  • My kids asked me whether it's OK to have sex before marriage if you know you're going to get married.  They went on to explain that their classmate's divorced mom's boyfriend has moved in and they had a baby together and they are going to get married.  But he's not very nice, because he hits he baby for crying.

 

 

ARRRGGGHHH. Sometimes, I am truly grateful that child rearing is over for me but what a world we are living in. Twenty years ago, I stumbled through explaining why one of ds's friends left town to see his Dad on the weekend and why they did not live in the same house...not to be compared with today's topics.

 

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Anal isn't just about the virginity loophole and pregnancy. A wide range of people actually enjoy it for a wide range of reasons, it's not just an alternative to sex when you can't have sex, some people find it genuinely enjoyable. Different strokes for different folks. It doesn't usually hurt once you and your body gets used to it (I was abused and forced into child prostitution, and have no modesty/shame on sexual topics, so, yeah, I've done it, both willingly and forced. I didn't know how taboo it was until much later, so the responses on this thread are a little weird to me lol, as I'm sure this post probably is to some of you. Totally different frames of 'normal' in our lives.)

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Edited by Mothersweets
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I just don't see them calling up the GP they go to church with to get an appointment KWIM. ~sigh~

 

You could call the GP for them. Obviously, you can't make an STD testing appointment for them, but you could let the GP know that they *should* have an STD testing appointment so he might be able to tactfully talk at least *some* of them into that during their annual.

 

ARRRGGGHHH. Sometimes, I am truly grateful that child rearing is over for me but what a world we are living in. Twenty years ago, I stumbled through explaining why one of ds's friends left town to see his Dad on the weekend and why they did not live in the same house...not to be compared with today's topics.

 

You really think that 20 years ago stuff like that didn't happen?

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Ah, the sticky wicket of the adults who preach abstinence only, would never believe their kids are hooking up and that it's only " bad" kids and who absolutely don't want to discuss it with their kids. I am so glad she felt she could talk to me. I'm sending up prayers and vibes of thankfulness on that.) We also discussed that if she ever felt she couldn't talk ith me her older sister ( who I truly trust to give good advice) would listen.

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So dd 17 shared with me last night her concerns for many of her friends. Evidently she is the only one not having sex, and risky sex at that ( random hook ups, unprotected vaginal and anal sex, etc). She wanted my take on whether she should carry protection with her, what I thought she should tell her friends, and lots of other concerns. I, of course, reiterated safety, maturity, the need to avoid dangerous situations, my feeling that sex is best in a committed relationship and she was fine but I am shaken. It's not that her high achieving, church going " good girl" friends are having sex but that it is so unsafe and random. I almost wish she hadn't said anything.

It is encouraging that she shared with you.

 

Seems like this would be a good time to discuss with your daughter her choice of friends and associates.

 

In another thread many people chimed in to tell a poster that a her friend was indeed a mismatch for her and encouraged her to move away from the friendship guilt free. The faults of the friend were no where NEAR as serious as what your dd's friends are doing.

 

I don't hang around with friends who are involved in behavior that is against my values and I would tell my son the same thing.

 

She can find friends whose values line up,with hers. Not every kid world is hooking up....your dd is one who is not. She should be praised for that and encouraged to retain herself and not get lost in this time of her life where actions can have longlassting devastating consequences.

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Ah, the sticky wicket of the adults who preach abstinence only, would never believe their kids are hooking up and that it's only " bad" kids and who absolutely don't want to discuss it with their kids. I am so glad she felt she could talk to me. I'm sending up prayers and vibes of thankfulness on that.) We also discussed that if she ever felt she couldn't talk ith me her older sister ( who I truly trust to give good advice) would listen.

 

Yes.  I think it is fine to tell our kids we think it's better to have sex in a committed relationship (if that is our belief), but it's naive to think they will necessarily listen. 

 

And it is not only "bad" kids.  What about the weird religious weirdos who preach this stuff to an extreme (like that's all they seem to talk about) who then later we find out are doing XYZ that they preach against?!  And these are adults with experience who should freaking know better. 

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