s/o The long hard slog to the top - how to encourage a child after academic disappointments?

[mathnerd]

I did not want to hijack Ruth's thread. I am going through a similar situation with my 8 year old. Last winter and spring he had so many successes and it looked like he could do nothing wrong. This winter, he has had repeated failures in competition. Admittedly, he is working on more complex material and he could have been better prepared. It came as a shock to the child to whom everything has come easily that some things are difficult, need forethought, need patience, need deeper thinking and it hurts his ego to know that there are others who could accomplish what he could not etc. I am trying to tell him that every one has failures and we just need to keep swimming. But, he is fast coming to the conclusion that he does not have it in him to be a competitor. He is naturally very competitive and thrives when he is competing. Any wisdom to share for a parent trying to say the right things?

 

PS: He is not radically accelerated and the competitions that he has been in are all local and "fun". He is competing with kids 2-3 years older than him.

[Ravin]

It's good for kids to be challenged and learn to cope with failure. I would emphasize how hard he's worked and how much more it means to achieve something and make progress through hard work than because it was so easy you could skate through it. Helping him focus on how to better prepare and do the hard work is what I would do, rather than letting him dwell on his failures.

 

It's a lesson I didn't get until high school. But there's ALWAYS someone out there smarter, or stronger, or whatever. No competition, however, of any sort, is about just raw talent. You have to work hard to get anywhere. That's not a reason not to compete. 

[ebunny]

Just a thought….maybe this needs to be posted on the 'general ed' board too.

 

Having failed myself in pursuits that I was passionate about as a child, I can understand why your DS is coming to that conclusion. Time is a good healer. Children can recover from most events, even traumatic ones, given enough time.

 

As the PP said, there's always someone smarter/stronger. So, avoiding competitions is not an appropriate strategy.

 

But, at the same time, he needs to gain back his confidence and his self identity as a worthy opponent.

 

Maybe expanding the goal or outcome of the competition would help? You could point out that these competitions are a good place to meet like-minded peers. 

 

Maybe a change in the type of competitions he enters would help to regain his confidence? Something more long-term (a 6 month research project) rather than an intense, one-shot, high stakes competition?  

 

 

[lewelma]

My ds could never handle competition at a young age, so I don't really know how to help.  His first competitions were at 12, and not exactly of his choosing (they kind of told him out of the blue that yes, this is what you are doing). So he didn't really start until 13, and at that time he had the emotional maturity to handle the disappointment.

 

Hope you find some answers,

 

Ruth in NZ

[Donna]

My dd started competing (music, not academic) when she was 6yo. Her teacher suggested she go to meet other young people who had the same interests…we had no idea dd would win (we were clueless as to the skill level of others and the age category was under 12 so how could a 6 year old win).

 

I didn't know if winning that first time out was a good thing. I thought she won because she was cute, little, and might have been the best 6 year old fiddler that judge had ever seen, not because she was the best fiddler under 12 in that competition. I was worried it would set up in her expectations that she "should" win every time out which is not a good thing especially with competitions that have subjective adjudication.

 

That competition was a qualifier to go to Ireland to compete in what's basically the world championships. We knew she would not win at that level but, because I thought she won due to being cute and thought it might be our one and only chance to go to Ireland (she wouldn't always be so cute and little), we went. We didn't tell her she would not win. We only told her that competitions are for fun and she can only control her level of preparation and her performance on that day. She cannot control who is competing against her or their preparation level (or in music, what any particular adjudicator prefers). Winning, if it happens, is "icing" on the cake after preparing well, performing in a way you are happy with, and making new friends.

 

We've kept that same approach to competition through the years. She makes friends with her competitors, cheers them on when they perform, and is happy for them when they win. Sometimes she is disappointed when she does not place after working really hard and performing really well but it's a momentary thing. She likes to discuss what she liked and didn't like so much in all the performances she heard…things she might like to include to improve in her own performance or what she thought that particular judge was thinking (she will make a good adjudicator someday as she's learned to appreciate the skill involved even when the style isn't one she prefers). Then she's off to have some tunes into the wee hours with her friends.

 

All that to say…talk with your ds about the reasons why he is competing. Did he initiate the idea of doing competitions? Does he enjoy competition? (My middle ds loves his music but hates to have it judged against other people so does not compete. Performing and playing are enough for him.)  Is he able to have time to hang out and get to know the other competitors? Is he competing for some gain/prize or is it to see where he is with the things he has learned? Whatever the reason, knowing why he is there and setting a personal goal, one not attached to those things he cannot control (ie. other people's performance), might help.

 

After the competition, maybe look back at his performance and discuss whether or not he answered correctly on those things he studied. Did he meet his personal goal? Praise him for correct answers especially in areas he worked hard. Was there an area where he needed more preparation? Set goals for working on those areas.

 

Some kids are very competitive and hard on themselves no matter the parental input. So if nothing else works, maybe finding other activities until he is able to handle disappointment better might be a good thing…maybe find other smaller ways to teach him to deal with disappointment before doing more competitions or find some sort of group competition/games where he is working cooperatively with others to solve a problem…(do they still have Odyssey of the Mind or Olympics of the Mind competitions around? I loved doing those.)

 

 

[snowbeltmom]

My kids started competing in their individual sport around the age of your son.  We never focused on the final outcome of the competition.  At the conclusion of the event, whether it was a win or a loss, we would ask them to discuss parts of the game they were happy with and areas of the game that they wanted to focus on improving during upcoming practice sessions.  They would then set goals for themselves to work on in practice.

 

In academics, I always told them that if they knew how to solve all the problems that I gave them, then I wasn't doing my job as their teacher. 

 

In your son's situation, could you try to shift the focus of the competition from how he did compared to the other kids, to how he did compared to himself in a prior competition?  You could also stress that the process is more important than the outcome of a single competition.  Have him set goals for himself that he wants to accomplish that are independent of the actual competition. 

 

Good luck.

 

 

[wintermom]

He is still VERY young, no matter how talented and hard working he is. I would perhaps think very strategically about what are the best competitions for his long-term growth and well being.  A cost/benefit analysis of each competition situation might be good:  weigh all the benefits of participating against all the negatives, and see just what things are going to be worth the time, effort and pain.

 

On a similar note, my dd is going to go for a music certification in Canada, where we have single examiners in a completely closed exam situation. Parents and teachers are not allowed in the room or even within hearing distance. This is simply the way it's done. My dd's teacher went through a music education system in the Ukrain, where examiners discussed individual students with the teacher, listened to how the student was developing and what kind of feedback would be most beneficial to the student's growth and development. It sounds so much better than our ridiculous system where everyone is faceless, with no past or future. 

Edited February 26, 2016 by wintermom

[pinewarbler]

I agree he is very young to cope with this.

 

Our first biggy was when my eldest auditioned to be in a string ensemble when she was 10 and there was a ton of competition. We (she and I) decided that we'd just view it just as an "audition practise" for the next time. She got in, much to our surprise. 

 

I found that chunking down the experience into separate skills that she needs to acquire has helped a bit. This time you'll learn to work through the stress and still remember the dynamics, for instance. She memorizes all her pieces, so that is another goal; see if you practised enough to still remember a very long piece while being judged, etc.

 

We also do an analysis afterwards... what could she work on next time, what did the competitors seem to excel at, do we want to commit that much time to this event? We talk about luck; this year the string ensemble had many kids auditioning with odd posture/hand position. It was an easier year to get in.... and that is luck.

 

Even the years things haven't worked out, we've analyzed the process. This year for the same ensemble, she had to jump through hoops, and finally contact the conductor directly to get an audition. The politics of the process was fascinating (we even got to learn the word "extortion" and how adults practise it-long story!) and was a HUGE learning moment. No one has power over your decisions, and no one can stop you, but they may slow you down.

 

Our eldest is now aware that there are kids who can outperform her. But that can be really hard to deal with. Right now she won't enter a math contest because it requires group work, and she believes the group is better than her. This comes from the school's insistence that there is only one way to see a math problem... and that people have math talent or not. The struggle continues...